The Mind Body Project
The Mind Body Project
Sit & Talk: Building Anchor Habits That Hold When Life Gets Rough
We explore anchor habits—the small, steady actions that keep us grounded when life gets windy—and share a four-part framework to build them. Real stories show how a strong why, the right support, and tiny steps create habits that hold through any season.
• boat anchor metaphor for stability through storms
• why as the emotional driver behind change
• what as the tools, people and environments needed
• how as logistics solved after starting
• micro steps to shrink overwhelm and build momentum
• accountability and community as force multipliers
• habit timelines and the myth of 21 days
• habit vs fixation and staying flexible
• habit stacking to leverage existing routines
• exercise as an anchor for mood and mindset
Welcome to Sit and Talk. If this is your first time to sit and talk, um, each week we have a mental health topic that we discuss uh via our live call, and you get to join in with us. So um I encourage you to just sit in, listen to uh the live call as I share uh this week's topic. And as those on the call might have thoughts, ideas, or comments just as you listen in. So again, thanks for joining us for sit and talk. Let's join the live call. We're gonna talk about anchor habits. So when I say anchor, what comes to mind when you hear the word anchor?
SPEAKER_01:A boat.
SPEAKER_00:A boat. And so what does it do for a boat? What what does the anchor, what's the importance of an anchor on a boat? Keeps it down in one spot, keeps it down, holds it one place. Exactly. And and the interesting thing is about an anchor and a boat, if there are different sizes of boats, or there are different size of anchors. Yes, yes, if you think about if your little fishing boat had the same anchor as a yacht or a cruise ship, what would happen to your little fishing boat?
SPEAKER_01:It would go sink down, it would sink down.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, especially if it was really deep and it never hit bottom, then it'd go it'd go down. So different size anchors are needed for different size boats and all different kinds of boats. So, what are we? We're all different kinds of boats. Some of us are little dingies, some of us are big old yachts. So we're gonna talk about how our anchors are different for each one of us, but part of that is finding out what our anchor needs to be. And so when we talk about anchor, when we talk about boats or ships or whatever type it is, the anchor, as you mentioned, simply does that. It holds it in place, it holds it in one spot. Why would you why would you want it to, why would you want a boat to stay in one spot?
SPEAKER_01:Maybe that's where you're fishing.
SPEAKER_00:Maybe that's where you're fishing, maybe that's where the good stuff's at. What if it's nighttime, you're on a a nice little cruise ship or a yacht, your own yacht maybe, and the storm is coming, and you want to go to bed and wake up in the same spot, then what would the importance, why would you want to put a yanker, a yanker, an anchor down? Because what would happen if you didn't put that anchor down? Where would you probably wake up? Somewhere else. Somewhere else. And typically in a storm, if you put your anchor out in your boat, you want to stay in that place, no matter if it gets windy, if it gets rainy, um, if the waves get tall, you want to be able to stay in that spot. And anchors are really important because that's really what the purpose of that is, is because the person or people on the boat want it to stay right there. They want to stay in that spot. No matter what comes, whether it's a little higher waves, whether it's higher winds, whatever it is, want to stay in that spot. And so typically that's when we need an anchor the most. In calm seas, no zero wind, zero waves, zero anything, would we probably need an anchor? And that would be a perfect world. Do we ever have a perfect world with no winds, no waves, no storms? Do we ever have that?
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_00:No. No, we might have a day of that. We may be really fortunate, we may have a week of that, we may be really living life right and have a month of that. But chances are, in our span of our life, we've never had an opera, you know, we've it's never been just a constant, no winds, no storms, no anything. So we do need anchors. And so we're really going to talk about how do we create those anchor habits. How do we create those anchors that when storms come, we can stay in the same spot. Now, if if you drop an anchor in a boat and the wind comes along and starts blowing, there will be some movement, right? There'll be some movement back and forth the boat. You'll feel some waves. You might even get a little seasick in the boat. Um, the boat's not gonna, it's not gonna keep it still, but you're gonna be able to ride those waves and stay within the same vicinity, the same area. So we're gonna talk about how do we create those anchor habits that when the storm of life's come, we can remain in the same place. And when we talk about storms, sometimes it's it's maybe just some wind. Maybe it's just the holidays that blow us back and forth. And the holidays can blow us way off track. Maybe a sickness being ill can blow us way off track. There's a lot of different things that just aren't devastating, but they can still blow us off track. So we're gonna talk about anchor habits are those that are gonna keep us in those little bitty, just a little breezy storm. And those anchor habits are also gonna anchor us down in those big, massive, huge storms. Um, have has anybody ever seen Perfect Storm?
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Perfect Storm. And and George Clooney.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, it's just, but we're talking about the type of anchor habits that if you haven't ever seen it, they're like huge waves. Like, I mean, they would scare you to death like they're, I don't know, 40, 50 feet. But we're talking about anchor habits that would hold you in a storm like that. That's how strong those are. And we're gonna talk about how do we create those. And they're gonna and they're gonna look different and maybe in some different areas of our life. And it's kind of up to you again, like I said, our we all have different looking boats. We all have different size boats and ships because we're all different, unique, and individual. And so our anchors are gonna have to be formed according to what we have, what we own, what we are. And so the first way that we can create an anchor habit is we first have to decide what is important about the change we want to make. So that is the why. What is the why? The why, a why is so important. A why goes is important about anything. When you think, you know, why do you want to do something? A lot of times things get hard. You and maybe it's painful or it's emotional. There's a lot of things that go into that. But when our why is strong, our why gets us past maybe the discomfort or the pain or the hardships, the the why gets us through. So we have to decide what's important about the change, the why. Why do we want to make the change? Maybe it's for me one of you know my why when I decided to go to Weight Watchers. I decide, you know, what is important about the change. The change was that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. That way I felt that Sunday morning trying to get dressed for church, I didn't want to feel that way anymore. My why was strong. So my why drove me, you know, within the first week, I called Kim and said, I'm gonna starve to death. And she said, No, you won't, you're gonna be okay. And so my why kept me going through that week and into the next week and kept me going. And that why was, you know, 18 years ago. And that why still carries me on today. That's how strong a why can be. We have to decide what is important about the change we want to make. Why is it important? You know, maybe maybe it's not physical, maybe it's mental. Maybe the why is, you know, I am I am tired of stinky thinking. My stinky thinking always gets me in a dark place. It always causes me to lead to depression and leads to me not wanting to get out of bed and me not wanting to do anything or have conversations. I'm tired of that. You know, so what why do I want to change that? Because I want to feel better. I want to have better thinking, I want to have better thoughts, I want to have better connections with people. I don't want to show up just, ugh, I want to show up with happiness and joy. That can be your why. So sometimes when those dark days come, you go, no, I have to do this because I want what's on the other side. Your why has to be important. And that and that's whether it's maybe you want a new career, maybe you want to make an impact, but maybe you feel like you know, putting the the ring on the widgets isn't impacting. Maybe it is you want to impact lives, and so you go back to school, you do the things to make that impact, even though it's hard and challenging, you do those things because the why is so important. So it's it's job, maybe it's relationship, maybe it's family, maybe it's just self, it's physical, maybe it's spiritual. What is the why? Um, so you have to decide that because that why will carry you forward. And it and it's a powerful thing. And you think about um our word that we do every year. That is really, you know, when you think about that word and it alters your decision sometimes, it's because it is your why. Why am I doing that? Why am I making that decision? And it's because of all the thoughts that go into that word that you have. And so our why is powerful. We have to decide what is important about the change, what that we want to make. And then so the second thing is we have to decide what is needed to make the change. So that is the what. If we have the why, we now have to decide what is needed to make the change. Maybe it's maybe we need a mentor. Maybe, maybe it is you want to make an impact. So maybe the what is I need to go back to school, I need to get a certification, I need to get a different degree. You know, what is needed for that to happen, for that to be successful. Maybe, maybe it's I I need to get into a uh a small group. Maybe I need to get into a prayer group. Maybe I mean need to get into a women's fellowship group. Maybe what do I need to do? What is what is the step I need to take to get to my why, to help me with my why. So we have to decide what's needed. And we have to, and that goes with whatever your, I knew my why was I didn't want to feel like that 18 years ago on that Sunday morning. I didn't want to feel like that anymore. My why was I need to do something different. And I decided, what is it that I need to make a change? I need to eat better, and I need a support group to do that because I spent I spent my life trying to do it on my own. And I decided I need a support group that has that helps me follow a meal plan and do that. I decided that's what I need to make that change. I mean, I was the I was the youngest, uh almost I think the youngest person in when I went to Weight Watcher meetings. And it was mostly ladies. I was there's probably just a few few men. But honestly, if I had, and there was probably, I mean, 20, 30 years difference between my age and the the individuals in there. And honestly, if I had gone, just tried to do that on my own. I mean, like if I had tried to do it online, like they have now, I don't know how successful I would be. I cannot tell you how important. That's why I talk about you know the accountability sessions that I that I offer. I cannot tell you how important walking up to the lady that won took my money, then took my little Weight Watcher card, and as I stepped on the scale, she got to see the number. And then she wrote that number down. And then I'd go from there and I'd go sit in the 30-minute meeting, and anybody have any successes? And I could raise my hand and say, I lost half a pound. And and you would think I'd lost a hundred pounds already. There was so much excitement and cheering for that half a pound that made me feel so good. Like I wanted to go out and keep doing it because I thought, man, I like that. I want that again. And it was it's the same place where I could raise my hand and say, Well, it was a rough holiday. And this actually happened to me. I went back um after one week over a hot over Christmas and I'd gained 10 pounds. And those same ones that cheered for me also still supported me and say, that's okay, it'll come off. We all we've all been there, we've all experienced that. So without that support group, without that accountability, I don't know if I would have been as as successful. But I knew what I needed to make the change was I needed a group of people in the same boat that I was to help me anchor down, to help me support me and encourage me and lead me through the plan. I that's what I needed to change. So we have to decide what's important about the change. What do we need to do to make the change? And the third thing is the how. How will we make the change? And when we talk about the how sometimes we get we get the what all messed up because we put the how before the what. We're worried about, well, how am I gonna make this work? How am I gonna make that work? When all we first have to do is decide what? What do I need to make for the change? And once I decide what is needed to make the change, then then I then the how works itself out. But so many times, and we do this all the time, you know, maybe coming to classes. So many people and so I can only come twice a week to to classes. Great. I say, you know, perfect attendance, I can't do that. And so they don't have to worry about the how. They just have to decide the what. I need to make a change, and this is what I need to do. And then so they start coming. And you know the interesting thing is when they start coming, they figure out the how. They figure out how to make classes every day, whether it's a virtual, whether it's an early morning, whether it's a noontime class, whether it's an evening class, they figure out the how. And that's what we have to do. Once we figure out the what, we just have to start. And the how we'll start to figure out on the way. And the how is all about all the micro changes. When we think about the big change, we think about a big change when it when I just wanted to lose weight when I started Weight Watchers. I I don't even know if I really had a goal of an amount. But if you had told me day one, hey, in a year and a half, you um, I think it was a year and a half. I don't think it was a year, I think it was a year and a half. Anyhow, if you had told me, hey, in a year and a half, you're gonna lose 100 pounds. And in a year and a half, Kim's gonna throw you a 100-pound party and invite friends, and they're all gonna bring 100 things. The best thing I think was 100 quarters. That was pretty cool. But I would have never, I would have said, that's not possible. I can't do that. But instead, I focused on the micro, the micro changes. What do I need to do? I need to worry about my points for the day, I need to worry about my exercise for the day because back then it had a sliding chart and the amount of exercise you did, you got points. So I maxed it out and I got 13 points every day so I could eat even more. That was that was my incentive to exercise in higher intensity. But anyhow, worried about the micro changes because sometimes if we look at that big change, it's too overwhelming. There, we've talked about you know, a shifted moment. Sometimes it looks too much. So a shifted moment is really the micro, the micro changes that we have to make. So we have to break down the habit. What's the anchor habit? And how do we break it down to the my most minute change? So, or the the my most micro change, and so that might be I want to start exercising. The why, I just need to get in better shape. I have health risk in my family, I need to be in better health, better shape for my family. Then the what? What do I need to make the change? I need a gym, I need a group class, I need that. What's the micro? I'm gonna get up and go to a 20-minute booty class once a week. I'm gonna first get out of bed. The micro is I'm gonna set out my clothes for the next day. The micro is, you know, not gonna worry about what I look like, I'm just gonna go. The micro is I'm gonna get whatever shoes I have, I'm just gonna put them on. I don't care. So the micro is how can you make it so maybe you're doing it at home. Maybe the micro is I just need to start exercising. You have a treadmill at home. So you get out of bed, you put on shoes, and you stay in your pajamas. That is the most micro thing to do. Maybe the most micro thing is you get out of bed and you walk five times around your kitchen. Maybe that's the most micro thing, but it's how you make the change. And so, whatever that change is, you know, how will you do it in the most micro way, which is the smallest way. Again, it's that shifted moment. It looks too overwhelming. What's that big goal you want? When I was going back to school and trying to work and go to all the kids' stuff and have all the kids, Kim would, you know, every semester of 16 weeks. And she would say, you just have to worry about this week. Just get through this week. And then when beginning of the week, she'd say, you know, get through this week. Because I'd look at the whole semester and go, and of course, you know, they bombard you because they give you a syllabus at the beginning of the semester, and you go, that is too much work. I can't do all that. I just can't do it. And so, you know, she'd say, just worry about this week. Don't worry about week 14, worry about week three. And then when that time came, she'd say, Okay, worry about Monday. What do you got to do? Tuesday, what do you got to do? Wednesday, what do you got to do? And and so I was worried about the micro. And you know what? Semester after semester after semester, I got done. I finished it. I knew that the last day of the semester would always come if I just worried about the day. If I did the micro along the way, I would be, I would be done. And I kept doing that for two years. And then one day, May 15th, 2015, it became graduation day. I graduated and got my degree because of the micro. When I started that, it was too overwhelming to look. But it was those anchor habits of looking at the micro. What is the micro? And those and those things I still use today. Those are part of my anchor habits on everything. Like my word for this year was today. What do I have to do today to make it the best day? I can't, you know, I can't do anything about yesterday, but today could help tomorrow if I just worry about focus on today, because I can't worry about tomorrow because that's going to steal the joy from today. So again, it was the micro. This is really these four things I use to ingrain those anchor habits of understanding the why, the what, the how, the micro changes. And then the fourth one is really kind of what already explained is be consistent with the my most micro changes, the most micro changes until they become automatic. I mean, really, they did over that time, over Weight Watchers of going every day, of worrying about the small things, and then going to college and then starting at the gym at Synergy, starting training, all those things helped me create those anchor habits along the way. And really, you know, there were times when schedules were crazy when I was going back to school. But I was able to manage those because of I gotta worry about today. What can I do today? What do I need to do this week? I just worry about that. And then I get that taken care of and then move on to the next one, the next one. So we be consistent with those micro changes. And eventually, when we're consistent with them, they're gonna become automatic. They're automatic. And then when we when it becomes automatic, we move on to the next micro and then the next micro until those are starting to become more automatic. Now, how long is it gonna take to create an anchor habit? I don't know. How long does it take to form a habit?
SPEAKER_01:100 days.
SPEAKER_00:100 days, 100 days. Somebody's already heard that a study. A study shows, but what do we usually hear? How many days it takes to form a habit? How many days do we usually hear?
SPEAKER_01:21 days.
SPEAKER_00:21. Have any of you ever formed a lifelong habit in 21 days? If you did, you're awesome. Just asking. No, probably not. On you know, on average, it does take 100 days to form a new habit. It can take up to 300 days, but again, there's no known, it's up to each person to form those to form those habits. So there's not, I can't give you a magical formula that says if you do these things consistently for four 45 days in a row, you're automatically going to have this brand new anchor habit. It doesn't happen like that, unfortunately.
SPEAKER_01:Difference in a habit and a fixation. Are they the same or no?
SPEAKER_00:So that's a good question.
SPEAKER_01:So a fixation in about two days.
SPEAKER_00:That kind of comes under a different thought process.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, okay. Never mind. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:A fixation, a habit is something I'm not gonna spend the whole day today worrying about if I'm gonna brush my teeth tomorrow morning or how I'm gonna do it. I just, I mean, a habit, you just it's kind of an automatic thing. You're just gonna do it. You're gonna get a bed, it's part of your routine, you brush your teeth, boom, you move on. A fixation is okay, I have 35 bristles on my toothbrush. I think one's bent. I didn't get enough toothpaste on there last time, so I need to make sure to get more toothpaste. And I only brushed for one minute and 15 seconds. I need to make sure it's a minute and 30 because I think I shorted. I got to set a time. That's a fixation.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't need you to call me out.
SPEAKER_00:A habit is you just do it. A fixation is if you don't brush your teeth, that's all you think about constantly. After a meal, you think, oh my gosh, I'm not at home, I can't brush my teeth. What am I gonna do? It then becomes a fixation. So it's kind of the difference between a habit and a fixation. And real quick, when we have an anchor habit, the nice thing about anchor habits is we can habit stack. So when you have already have an anchor habit, you can add another habit onto it and it's more likely to stick. So, in other words, let's say you do brush your teeth every morning or you brush your teeth five times a day because it's a habit, not a fixation. And you go, man, I want some better calves. My calves, you know, my calves, C-A-L-V-E-S, my calves. I want them to look smoking. So every time I brush my teeth, I'm gonna do calf raises. And then before you know it, you have now that's a new habit that you do, not a fixation, a habit that you do every time you brush your teeth. So now you have stacked the habit onto your anchor habit. And these anchor habits, one of my anchor habits is exercise. So it doesn't matter if it's a holiday, it doesn't matter if I'm stressed, it doesn't matter if I'm sad, it doesn't matter, whatever it is, I'm gonna exercise because for me, that helps center me, anchor me in any storm. A light breeze, a heavy wind, perfect storm, 40-foot waves, it helps anchor me. It moves my body in a different state, it makes my mind think in a different state, and so it moves me in a different state. And I know that. So that's an anchor habit. Um, and one of the things I stack on that anchor habit is mental growth, spiritual growth, emotional growth, uh, whether it's listening to a podcast, uh, something on YouTube, audiobook, but not much, those help me grow. And so I can have it stack that, and so it's very consistent. So you can have it stack. So, real quick, just going over the anchor habit, how to create those anchor habits is we decide what's important, your why, what is needed to make the change, the what, and then the how, how will you make that change? And then the last one is be consistent with the the micro changes to form that anchor habit. So that's the challenge. Is is there a is there a point in your life, a spot in your life, spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, wherever it may be, that you need some anchor, that you need an anchor habit. And how and use these four ways to create that anchor habit because it could take you a hundred days, or it could take you six hundred days. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell, but the most important thing is that you keep showing up every day and be consistent to that thing because it's your why is gonna compel you forward to keep you going even after five, six, seven, eight hundred days. Any final thoughts, comments, or questions? And thank you for joining us on Sit and Talk. And I look forward to seeing you right here next time on Sit and Talk.