Sit & Talk: What We Tolerate We Accept

We explore how small tolerances turn into accepted habits and how identity often follows behavior we let slide. We share a three-part method to catch early drift, use the right tools, and refocus on what is good so goals stay intact.

• mental conditioning as strength training for life
• tolerance turning into acceptance and identity
• media and culture examples of shifting norms
• early signs of negative habits and drift
• building and using a personal mindset toolbox
• limiting social media and resetting inputs
• navigating negativity in close relationships
• daily evaluation to prevent habit creep
• refocusing attention with “something good”
• three-step framework recap and weekly challenge

Continue on with something good today. I might even challenge you, I might ask you every time we get together for walk and talk or sit and talk what’s something good today?

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

Welcome & Mental Conditioning

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to Walk and Talk. Thank you so much for joining us. Each week we join the live call for walk and talk, or actually it's sit and talk. But we talk about, we share about a mental conditioning topic that when we apply those things that we talk about, it will just as we work out, it'll that make us physically stronger. The things that we talk about and work on for mental conditioning will make us mentally stronger, mentally tougher, mentally able to handle heavier and heavier issues, just like we're able to have handle heavier and heavier objects when we work out. So let's join the live call. So has anybody ever gained a pound? One pound.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

No, I've never gained just one pound. Mine goes up like five out of time.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Yeah. It can't just be like a pound.

From TV Norms To Social Tolerance

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Your scale counts by fives, fives, tens, fifteen, twenty. The way you want to count during an exercise when it's 20 seconds, five, ten, fifteen, twenty, I'm done. Yeah. Um, but um we've all had one pound, two pounds, five pounds, ten pounds. Um we've all had that weight gain. And let's say it's one or two pounds. Um well, and we're gonna say maybe legitimate pounds, not those kind that one day you get on the scale and it's five pounds saver. The next day it's five pounds lighter. One of those that's one or two pounds, it sticks around. Um, and you're like, eh, it's not that big a deal. It's just a couple pounds. My clothes still fit. I mean, I look okay just like I did in the mirror, everything's good. And then it's five pounds, and then you start, you know, ah, well, everything's still fitting good. And then one day you wake up and you go to put on some clothes, or you get on the scale, and maybe it says 15, 20 pounds that you've added on. And it was like, where'd this come from? What happened overnight? What happened from yesterday to today? And it's really about we tolerated one or two pounds, and we're talking about those that kind of stick around, and then it got to five pounds, and we kind of tolerated that a little bit more, and then is what happened is we start accepting those pounds. You know, I I still look good in my clothes, I still feel okay, all of those things. So then we accept them, and so that's really what we're gonna talk about today is what we tolerate, we accept. And it's not in a just use weight as something we've all experienced. If you think about different things, maybe in news media, maybe it's just in the world, think about the things that are tolerated or accepted today that weren't accepted before. Think about all the things in the news where we might, even on social media, we might see a video of somebody being hurt or something happening. And before that would have never made where other people could see it, it would have been kept to police or whatever, it would have been kept confidential, and now it's out there because we'll tolerate it, and then we tolerate, you know, remember when um I mean, did anybody remember On the Family with Archie Bunker?

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Archie Bunker would not make TV today, no, at all. I mean, that would be, I mean, he wouldn't make it. But think about think about what he talks about. Or, you know, kind of his attitude in general towards politics, towards other races. I mean, just his attitude in general. But but aren't things so more out of whack now? I mean, used to be, I mean, you couldn't say darn hardly on TV. And now some TV, you need it needs a PG 13 or maybe rated R for some of the words, some of the things. I mean, you could never have shown a bare butt on MBC, you know, in prime time.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Back during I Love Lucy, they had to have twin beds.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

They didn't even sleep in the same bed. No. And now look at it.

Tolerance Turns Into Acceptance

Shift To Personal Behavior Change

Build And Use Your Toolbox

Social Media, Fasting, And Friends

Handling Negativity At Home

Spotting First Signs Of Slippage

Evaluate Circumstances Daily

Snooze Alarms And Habit Drift

SPEAKER_02 4:31

And it's and so we we tolerated when oh, they got one bed, and now we see them on TV sleeping together. It just laying there together. I mean, just to just to go in the room and show that there's only one bed. Then we moved to then we moved to Jack and Chrissy and Janet on Three's Company. Oh my, you know? I mean, and and Mr. Roper, I mean, they had to think, I mean, that Jack was uh twinkle toes, is what Mr. Roper would call him, was twinkletoes. And and so those things we tolerate and think about now what we see on, I mean, and that was I mean, that was pretty edgy. Definitely Archie Bunker Bunker was edgy. Three's company a little bit edgy. Bosom buddies, when they dressed up as women, really edgy. And think about what we now accept. It's just really about as we tolerate a little bit, we start accepting those. And so as what happens is when we tolerate a little, the envelope keeps getting pushed and pushed and pushed. I think there's sometimes things that are done from government and different sources that that see what we'll tolerate to see what we will accept. Because what we tolerate eventually we accept. And we're talking about all these things, whether it's television, whether it's politics, all these different things. But what we're really going to talk about is how do we stop tolerating any negative behavior? Because we eventually accept that negative behavior from ourselves. What started out as a little bit like, uh, that's not that big a deal. Let it slide. Turns into a little bit, turns into that one or two pound negative thinking, negative behavior that we tolerate, turns into five pounds and go, it's not that big a deal. Turns into your 20-pound, you wake up one day and go, whoa, where did this come from? How did I end up here? It's because we tolerated that those one or two pounds of negative thinking or negative behavior. So we're gonna talk about how do we stop that? How do we slow that progression so it doesn't happen? If you think about osteoporosis, if you know much about strength training, it everybody needs strength training. It has nothing to do with how fit do I look, I'm gonna be. It can help prevent osteoporosis. So what we tolerate, I'm not gonna exercise, you know. Then all of a sudden we have osteoporosis because we didn't exercise. So now we accept that. You know, I have osteoporosis. You talk to anybody old, that older, I should say, they'll talk to you about all the medications they have, and and they'll say, This is what I am. I am a diabetic. I am, I have osteoporosis. They'll say, I am, I have that that that it becomes who they are. I mean, that's what happens sometimes with our negative behavior. It becomes who we are, and then we accept it because we say that I am, I am full of anxiety, I am depressed, I am. We be we we've accepted that diagnosis, that of what we are, because we've tolerated a little bit at a time, and so we're gonna talk about how do we stop tolerating any negative behavior. And the first thing is at the first sign of negative behavior, we have to use our tools, which think about all of the all the things we talk about in sit and talk and walk and talk. Think about if you have one of those big, they have a name, but I can't think of it, big fancy toolboxes. It's a almost came to me. Anyhow, big fancy toolbox. Think about every time we have a walk and talk or sit and talk. It is a tool, and so you get to take this tool and put it in your big fancy toolbox. So at the first sign of negative behavior, you can use one of those tools out of your big fancy toolbox to create a positive behavior that reinforces your goal. I have a big like two-tier toolbox in my like mini shop because I can't really call it a shop because it's not real big, it's like 400 square feet is little. So it's a mini shop. It makes me feel kind of manly that I have tools. A lot of tools. Well, a lot of tools. I I don't know how to use many of them, but but I might I probably have I probably have 20 screwdrivers, flathead and Phillips. But depending on what I need, I go to the drawer to pick out the tool I need. Maybe it's a screwdriver, maybe it's a plier, maybe it's something to cut some wires, maybe it's just to look, maybe just something to carry around to look like I know what I'm doing. But I pull from one of those drawers, and the same thing is true with when we see that first sign of negative behavior, when we see that first sign of two pounds, one pound, because one pound might get past this pretty quick, but two pounds we probably notice a little bit. We can go and we can pull that tool we need from all of the discussions we've had, well over 50 or 60 different topics we've talked about by now. Not to mention, I was counting up today the mindful moments, and I think there's almost 40 of those. So a lot of different conversations, a lot of tools that we have that we use to start creating positive behavior to reinforce our goal. What's our goal? Maybe it's you're on social media and you realize I get really depressed after I scroll for a while. So maybe it's limiting that scrolling because you realize how it makes you feel. So you limit the interaction. And you limit the interaction and you go, Wow, you know, I'm still putting on some behavior weight. So maybe I just need to cut it out for a little bit. And just to see what it does, just like if we fast from food, what does that do? Maybe I think it it isn't it, it is it Lent that you fast is to like a 40-day it just started. Yes, so you so you fast from something, and and really it's because it's something that maybe you're you know you rely on too much, or but I think when you do that, it makes you go, huh? How does that make me feel? Maybe it's you the people you're hanging around with, you notice they they speak really negative all the time. So, and then you notice you start speaking with a negative tone. You start when you talk to other people, and then you realize, hmm, maybe in this group I'm the negative one. I took it from my other group and they're kind of negative, and I brought it over here to my negative. And so people are thinking, wow, she's pretty negative. And so, you know, what happens then? And because you don't really does anybody want to be negative? No, no, I don't think so, not on purpose. Um, and so we might limit our time with those people. Um, we might um start acting differently around those people and being a little bit stronger around those people. But what happens when maybe that person we're not like Lucy and and Desi? Is that right? Yeah, anyhow. Ricky, Ricky, Lucy and Ricky. We can't sleep in separate beds. We're in the new age, so we gotta sleep in the same bed with that person next to us that's being negative and being a b humbug. And we can't leave a pillow on over them too long, so we have to we have to live with them. So then what do we do? Then we pull from our our toolbox to say, well, I can't get rid of them. I gotta keep them around, and I can't tell them to shut up. So we pull one of those tools that say, How do I need to start behaving or acting so I don't get into that negative behavior? Maybe you start turning those conversations around from negative to positive, maybe you start doing some different things using the tools that we've talked about to help with that. So we have to really watch for the first signs. You know, first sign might look like I mean, when we think about working out, it's skipping a few days. That might be a few signs. Maybe you start noticing you're talking a little bit more negative. Maybe, maybe the people you you hang around with say a lot of bad words and you don't really want to say bad words, but then you start saying bad words. Kim had a friend, she used to hang around with, and and and she liked the big word. And I'm not talking about crystal. It was it was a different one, and then and then before long, guess what? I noticed Kim liked the big word too. And and it became just kind of a way of conversation, and and it was really just one or here or there, and then a couple more here or there, and then just more and more. But it kind of it's sneaky how that just kind of gets into our life. And and one of the things is, I mean, when she kind of um and and she didn't disson herself because of that, it just kind of you know how friendships go, they just kind of drift in and out sometimes, and they kind of drifted apart a little bit, still talk every now and then, but it got less and less. So it's interesting how that works. And so, which kind of leads us to our next one is if if we want to see first signs of negative behavior, we have to continually evaluate our circumstances. So, in other words, we always have to be looking and saying, are there signs that I'm tolerating the behaviors I don't want? Or are there behaviors that I'm trying to stay away from that are kind of going under the radar and I'm starting to accept? I mean, I'm pretty fit, so if I go three days a week, that's pretty good, you know. Where really your goal is you want to go every day and you want to have a good mix of different things, and you start giving yourself permission, and it's one of those things that you tolerate just a little bit. It's kind of like I mentioned the other day in walking talk, getting up in the morning on a first alarm, second alarm, whatever it is. I began to tolerate. Well, I'll just get up on my second alarm. Cool. Then the third alarm would go off, the second alarm would go off. Go, man, I'm just really tired. I need some more sleep. And so the third alarm would go off. And then that third alarm would go off, and then after a little a few days, I go, man, I I could use a little bit more. I'm just not ready to face the day yet. So then before I know it, we're we're now 25 minutes later than when my first alarm went off. Because I tolerated five minutes. I tolerated one snooze, one day, just one day, and then another day, and then another day. And so evaluating how that was going, I realized wait a minute, that's not my goal. That's not what I want. And so for me, I have to have my whole morning from the time I get up until the time we start classes, I have to have it written out. So everything is by the minute. 10 minutes this, five minutes that, 20 minutes here, um every, you know, travel time to the gym, all that stuff has to be out. If I have it written down in my notes, it makes me get up on that second alarm. So for me, I give myself one alarm. So it goes off, I hit it snooze, I know on that next one I'm gonna get up. Because for me, I have to think about when that second one goes off, I have to see that my notes in my phone to go, okay, it's time to get up because otherwise you're gonna mess up your whole morning. And so you have to get going. Because my goal is is that I want to be on time and get everything in that I have planned. So to the tool I'm using to create that positive behavior is my notes app. It's the tool because I need to see it written. I mean, on my notes app, I keep them all, all my different through the years. I have different ones depending on what my schedule was. I have different, and some of them were on different days. Now they can can be the same every day, but but but it was different. Maybe I had more time on Fridays, maybe I had less time on a Monday, but I had to have it all written out. And so for me, I had to evaluate what was going on and going, I'm I'm starting to accept this. And this, and guess what? What happens when we start to accept it? When we accept it, it becomes our new habit, and then we continually do it day after day after day. And what happens after you've been doing that for a while? How hard is it to revert back to the habit you want? Hard, hard. Is it I mean, think about if you gain two pounds? What does it take? Maybe, maybe a week. We'll we'll we'll be generous and say a week to just dialing in your diet a little bit more, focus a little bit more on your exercise, and within a week, you're back there. What does it take to get back 20 pounds to lose 20 pounds? A year. A year. And that's what it feels like. I mean, it takes, and it's a lot of hard work because then you're always logging, you're watching your food, you're making sure you're getting all your cardio to make sure you get up, go to the gym every day. You really can't miss any days, everything. I mean, it's just really hard. So it's much easier when it's just those one or two pounds to go, okay, let me get this dialed back in for a week and I'll be back on track. So that's what we're trying to prevent is if we're always evaluating, we're not, you know, we're not evaluating once a year, we're not evaluating once a quarter. It should really be on a daily, definitely on a weekly, if if nothing else at the most, but almost on a daily is is did I let anything go today? Did I tolerate anything? And sometimes you, you know, it might be I I tolerated, you know, not being quite so productive. And you go, okay, then tomorrow are you gonna tolerate that again? And it might be, no, I can't do that because it might be I tolerate eating bad today, but are you gonna do it two days in a row? Chances are the second day you're gonna go, I I did it yesterday, I'm not doing it again today. So we're we're always continually evaluating. And we have to be really, really self-aware when we evaluate to make sure that we're in line with our goals. And that's for anything, whether it's exercise, whether it's eating, whether it's with your relationship, maybe you tolerate it on your relationship, just having a quiet time, you know, just on your phone or in your own room by yourself, or whatever it is you tolerate it. And then you go, I kind of like that. I'm gonna do it again tonight, and then the next night. And then you realize over time that wow, you're not spending much time with your friends or your spouse or your family. And you go, man, that's that's a real issue because then it becomes acceptable behavior. You know, if if you tell somebody you're gonna be somewhere and something comes up and you miss it one time, okay. I mean, tolerate that things happen. But what happens when next time, you know, I told them I wanted to go, but I didn't really want to go. I don't, I'm not gonna go. It gets easier to tell them you tolerate it, and then over time you continually do that, and then what who what friend you become?

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Oh, that never shows up.

Small Slips Vs Big Comebacks

SPEAKER_02 20:23

The one that never shows up, but always says they're gonna be there, and everybody else knows they're never showing up. So they don't even put a place for you out with your nameplate on it because they know you're not gonna show up. So we always have to be continually evaluating. And then the third thing is we have to refocus each day on the positive. What's going good on the channel 5 news here at the gym? They have a little segment called something good, and it's always a little good segment on the news about something good among so much not good that and and I mean, and we go, wow, the news is so negative, but we're real critical of the news. But don't we go through a day like that sometimes being so negative? And then we have another day that we're so negative, and then we're so negative, and we realize, oh, we just constantly have negative behavior. So maybe sometimes, just like just like channel five does, we need to have something good. So maybe it's you start your day with what's something good? Maybe it's you need something middle of the day, what's something good today? Maybe it's the end of the day, what's something good? And and when we do that, like what are your strengths? We all have different strengths, and we all utilize those every day. And and if you really think about how did you utilize your strength today? If your day was lousy today, I'm gonna ask you, and this is not rhetorical, so you can answer what is something good in your day today?

SPEAKER_01 22:05

I cleaned the bone frames.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

You cleaned.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

I got two shots today.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Two shots. And you cleaned what, Renee?

SPEAKER_01 22:13

B frames.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

B frame.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

B frames.

SPEAKER_02 22:17

B frames.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Oh, I gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

I gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

Yeah. Gotcha. I sat out in the sun.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Sat in the sun? Anybody else? What was that?

SPEAKER_00 22:31

I went I went to an art class and learned that I'm not an artist. But you tried and that's all of them.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

Yeah, you tried something new.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

And Ricky, you said church tonight?

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:47

Anybody else have anything something good today? See, look, there's so many good things.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

All of my seniors showed up for school today, and we got one of the graduation items checked off the list that they have to have to graduate high school.

Refocus On Something Good

Audience Shares Good Moments

SPEAKER_02 23:01

Wow. To get a bunch of seniors to show up on the same day is pretty amazing, especially in the second semester. Wow. See, and and all of you are able, you know, rattle that off pretty good. Now, if I had said name five something goods today, that might be a little bit more challenging, which is understandable, but because it takes a little more thought. But one, all of you could think of one today, and so it's not that challenging. It's just something that is so every day, and I'm sure all of you, I bet nobody's had a perfect day today. I bet has somebody's had an issue with family, with work, with traffic, treadmill, treadmill, I mean, all kinds of things. And so everybody's had something, but you're easy to say something good about my day is is this. And that's what we have to focus on when we when we refocus each day on a positive. What is a positive thing we can do? So the three things is at the first side of negative behavior, we have to pull out of the toolbox, get the get the tool, and apply it to our goal. The second one is we always have to be evaluating. Is there any signs that I'm tolerating or accepting a new habit? And then the third one is refocus each day on the positive. Each day we're made a new. So refocus. What is something good today? And and that will help us stop tolerating those negative behaviors. It doesn't say they go away. I'm not saying they go away and you you get to X them out. We we just stop tolerating them, even though they come in, we go, wait a minute. You may happen today, but you're not going to happen every day. So that's kind of the challenge this week is is there something that you've been tolerating that's getting real close to something you accept? Or if it's just in the early stages of toleration, can you nip that in the bud and not tolerate it any longer? So that's really the challenge is to kind of evaluate and see where you're currently at. Any thoughts, comments, or questions? All right. Continue on with something good today. And I might even challenge you, I might ask you every time we get together for walk and talk or sit and talk what's something good today? Because I really like those answers. That was really um, really fun. And thank you to each of you for joining us on sit and talk. I look forward to seeing you right here next time on sit and talk.