MM Ep 42: Saying No Can Be The Kindest Thing You Do

We challenge the reflex to say yes out of fear and people-pleasing, and we reframe no as a kind, honest boundary. We show how protecting your energy helps you show up fully present for the commitments you choose. 
• why we default to yes when we worry about hurting feelings 
• how overcommitting leads to showing up tired, grumpy or disengaged 
• the idea that saying no can be doing the other person a favour 
• a practical example of declining late-night invites to stay authentic 
• how to explain a no without overloading people with excuses 
• choosing yes only when you can be present mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually 
• a closing challenge to start using no to protect your energy 

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

Why We Say Yes From Fear

How No Can Help Others

A Real Example Of Boundaries

Reframing No As Full Presence

The Challenge And Closing

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to a mindful moment. Thank you for taking a moment to join me today. How many times do we say no? How many times do we say yes? A lot of times we say yes because we're afraid of all the things we say no to. And so when we say yes to things, we we think we're doing people a favor. We think we're doing them a favor by saying, yes, I'll join that organization. Yes, I'll volunteer at this. Yes, I'll come to the party. Yes, I'll go to lunch with you. We keep saying yes and yes and yes because we're worried about the person on the other end, the other side that is asking the question. And so we're afraid or we're worried that if we say no, they might say, Well, why not? Why can't you? They'll have all these different things where it might just hurt some feelings. And so we always find ourselves saying yes, yes, yes. And I think we need to turn that around and look at no. As we look at yes, it's a we're trying to be nice to the person, we're trying to help them out. But what if no saying no is also doing the person asking a favor? What do I mean? How can be saying no be doing them a favor? Because when we say yes, I can come to that party. You'll come and you may not be fully mentally there, energy-wise, you may not be there. So, yes, you physically showed up, but that's about all you did was you just showed up. Yes, I can volunteer, but I had done a bunch of other things before volunteering, so you they might not be getting the best of me. And so when we say no, we're really doing that person a favor. For me, when it, you know, if I'm invited to events that are late at night, extend way late in the night, I'll typically say no. Why is that? Is because I know after a certain time, I'm not real engaging. I have a hard time making conversation. My brain starts to slow down after a certain time in the evening. So it's very challenging for me. Um and I don't want anybody to get to the wrong idea that, oh, he has nothing to say, he's having a bad time. It's not that. I just kind of shut down. So I'll say no. And then I'll explain to him, I'll say, hey, I'm really doing you a favor because after a certain time, I'm just kind of done. And I really want to be fully present, I want to be fully engaged with you, I want to have great conversation. So that's not really gonna work for me. I appreciate it, but no. And when I do that and and present it in that manner, they go, okay, wow, thank you. Because I think sometimes we just say no and then we give all these excuses, reasons why we can't. When we just should say no, and let me tell you why, because I really want to be fully present when I help at that event, that or you know, the venture organizing. I really want to be, but I have some other things lined up that day. Um I want to be able to give my full attention to that, and I don't want you to get the leftover me. I want you to get the full me. So I'm just gonna have to say no because I wouldn't be able to give you that of what you're asking me. I wouldn't be able to give you that full, full attention, my full energy. So thank you. But no. And so when we rephrase that that and we look at it when we say no, we're doing them a favor because we've all said yes to things, and we show up in a bad mood, we show up grumpy, we show up tired, we show up kind of irritated, we've all done that. And when we say no, we get rid of that. So you you begin to say yes to the things that, you know, I can fully be present mentally, I can fully be present physically, I can fully be present emotionally, I can fully be present spiritually. And when you show up in those situations, full in all those areas, they get a completely different person. And you're doing them a favor because you're showing up in that manner. And then when we say no, we say, I can't show up the way I like to show up. So I'm gonna have to say no. So the challenge is start viewing the no as a favor that you're doing for others. It is to help, and it's also a favor you're doing yourself because you're protecting your energy spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. So I challenge you those yeses, can you start doing the other person a favor and start saying no? Thanks for joining me on this week's Mindful Moment. I look forward to seeing you right here next week on a mindful moment.