Sit & Talk: Sit & Your Past Is Not Your Sentence

We use a Polaroid snapshot metaphor to show how one painful moment from the past can turn into an identity that holds us back. We break down why our bodies relive old events as if they are happening now and how to unlock the “anchor” so our past can shape us without defining us.
• the difference between a snapshot memory and the full reality of your life
• why the body cannot distinguish trauma from a vivid replay
• how repetitive negative thoughts condition identity over time
• what Elizabeth Smart’s story teaches about meaning without imprisonment
• the ball and chain metaphor and why we hold the key
• how rumination becomes an emotional habit and keeps the loop alive
• a reality check on resilience: you have made it through 100% of hard days
• releasing life sentences for yourself and for others
Any thoughts, comments, or questions?

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

Welcome And Live Call Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Sit and Talk. Thank you so much for joining us, Steph. This is your first time to sit and talk. Welcome. Thank you for joining us. Each week we join in on our live call as we talk about different mental conditioning topics that will help us be stronger, not only physically, but also mentally. So let's join our live call. Most everybody probably remembers the old Polaroid cameras, right? There was the coolest thing next to the iPhone now where we could snap a picture and see it instantly. I mean, of course, you had to take a picture, wait, and then wave it in the air because somehow that magically made it go faster if you waved it in the air. Because surely it's drying the ink or something. But it it really just took the snapshot of whatever you wanted to take. And it was those big Polaroids, and then I think they came out with these little bitty Polaroids, just you know, within the last number of years where they take little bitty Polaroids, but really it's just a snapshot of that moment. So think about maybe a worse time in your life. Maybe as you it's a memory, maybe it's a reoccurring memory, it comes back quite often. Think about if you took a snapshot of that moment. And that was when you looked at it, that was the snapshot. Now, if you did that, would you get the whole event? Or would you just get because you can't take the whole event, it's not like the video we have now that you can video it, it's just a snapshot. So, what would it look like? And so a lot of times when we remember things, it's really a snapshot. So as we think back, and it really goes for all kinds of things, but we're gonna kind of talk about things that affective currently affect us negatively that happened in the past. And so it's a snapshot. So you think about all the things, you know, you think about that moment, and maybe it's just one moment you're thinking of, and you take a snapshot of it. And then you remember back in the day before we had phones. If you wanted to show somebody your family, if you were a guy, you would whip out the all the big long thing of pictures, it would fold it up in a little plastic. And then, same thing, ladies, you had those things that you would flip through, and you'd have, you know, one on the front, one on the back. I mean, it would like accordion down, and you could flip through it, and you'd show them all the stuff. But you would kind of say, This is my life, this is what it is. And think about that snapshot of something that has happened in the past that maybe you still hang on to. And and really, we tend to do no different now. We say, Oh, let me show you who I am. This is who I am. The snapshot of that thing that happened in the past, that may be uh maybe a little some drama or some negative thing, we begin to carry it around in our wallet, so to speak, and say, boom, here it is. This is who I am. And so, really what we're gonna talk about is your that past snapshot is just a snapshot. So it's just a thing that came out on the Polaroid camera, but it's not our sentence, so it's not something that we have to carry around with us for life. And and we think about all the different snapshots. Kim's brother had one of those little Polaroid cameras, and so he'd take a bunch of snapshots of people, so he's this bulletin board of all the all different family members all up on the bulletin board. It's just kind of gives you an idea. But what if we did that with our negative things and all the snapshots and put them on the bulletin board and say, Well, this is who I am. You want to know who I am? Look right here. Yes, that happened 20 years ago, but this is who I am. And I would um venture to say that that's probably not who we really want to be. Um, but yet um what we do is we that becomes our identity. And we're gonna talk about how do we change that? How do we not make what happened in the past a life sentence? And an interesting thing about our body, and our body is a very interesting thing that is very tied to our our brain, our mind, that our body doesn't know the difference between the original event and the memory of the event. It doesn't know the difference. So think about when you're dreaming and you're having a dream and you're being chased, or something scary is happening, or you're drowning, or you're trying to shoot a gun and nothing happens. I mean you're trying to kick somebody, nothing happened. Think of a scary dream, and you wake up from it, and what kind of physical things do you have going on when you wake up from it? You're breathing hard, you're scared, breathing hard, scared, heart's racing, hearts racing. Yeah, your heart's going, but did anything happen to you? No. Where was that in real life? Not in real life. Where was that completely at? In your sleep. In your sleep, in your mind, and the body didn't know the difference, so it was fight or flight. Either way, it's engaging in rapid heart rate, heavy breathing, nervousness, being scared, uh, might have some sweats going on. So it didn't know the difference, so it started doing all those things physically. But yet, for some reason, we think about when we think about our past traumas or our past things that we've had issues with, that our body should just be calm. But it doesn't because it doesn't know the difference. When when you're replaying that whole scenario over in your mind, your body goes, oh my gosh, we're going through this again. And so what happens? You start to feel your heart race a little bit, and you start to maybe get nervous or a little overwhelmed or anxiety or you're scared. All those things start to happen again physically because your mind is is it's it's really happening again. And so our body starts thinking, oh, this is this is going on again. And then every time we think about that, we go through that whole process, we think this is happening again and again and again. And that's kind of, you know, as we do that, and and we talk, we've talked about our thoughts, right? We've talked about how many thoughts we have in a day and how much of those are repetitive, how much of those are negative. Majority of those thoughts are repetitive, like 90%, 75 to 80 percent are repetitive, and they're negative. So we're repeating it over and over. So what do we do? We start training our body, so because it starts thinking, oh, this is if this keeps happening over and over and over again, it was an event, but now it's my identity. So now it's ingrained in me because it happens over and over again. So this must be who I am. Does everybody remember Elizabeth Smart? Elizabeth Smart was, if you didn't hadn't heard of Elizabeth Smart, she was abducted from her home. She was 13, 12 or 13, maybe 14. She was abducted from her home in the middle of the night. Her sister was sleeping in the bed next to her. A man came in, got her, and abducted her, and she was gone for nine months. Of course, he was kind of leaned towards a religious uh fanatic. Him and his his wife, they lived out in the woods, eventually got brave enough to take her into town. I think it was in Utah, I think.

unknown 8:15

Yes.

The Ball And Chain You Can Unlock

Breaking The Emotional Rehearsal Habit

You Survived Every Hard Day

Let Go Of Life Sentences

SPEAKER_00 8:16

And he would he would put a mask over her face, and same thing with his wife. And and they were, I think it was in the library, but a police officer came and asked to see Elizabeth Smart's face, and he said, No, it was against religious, so he talked him out of it. And so the police officer walked away. But over those nine months, she had she was emotionally abused, physically abused, all sorts of things. Over those nine months, they lived out in the woods. It's just kind of a crazy story. I think there's a Netflix special on. Yes, it's on Netflix. Uh it's really interesting, very good. But eventually she is found, and that was when she was 14. And so now she has the Smart Foundation. She now has is married, has three children, and run, and has a nonprofit called the Smart Foundation. It is to help other children, parents of children of those that have been abducted in the same manner. And through that that documentary, she does talk about that this was an event that happened to her. It was something that happened to her in life, but she was not going to let that be her identity for life. I mean, it was something that shaped her life, but it was not now her identity. And because they talked about how she processed, how she handled it, and that was one of her big things. She said, It happened to me, but I'm not gonna, that's not who I am now. And and so we think about all the different things that have happened, and the and like that bad thing that happened to her, and it was an awful thing. And for her to have to go through that, and I'm sure it took a lot of a lot of work on her part, a lot of therapy, a lot of things that she had to do to move past that place, to not make it her sentence in life. But again, that happened to her, but I always think about how many lives is she touching with the smart foundation because of that event to her. And and sometimes because if that event doesn't happen to her, then the the smart foundation doesn't get formed. All those people that she helps doesn't get they don't get helped probably in that manner, which makes a huge difference. And again, I think everything, good or bad, has a purpose, has a reason. Whether even though when it's it's really awful and bad, I do believe that there's a purpose that we can't see. And so on the other s other side of that event, that trauma, we have a choice to make. We have a choice to make, and how do we now handle that? What do we do with that? Do we do we keep taking our brain back to that past event and going through it step by step? We might say frame by frame by frame, because when we go frame by frame by frame, just like when you're waking up from that dream, all those physical emotions, all those physical things are happening because our brain again thinks this is what we're doing, and then we're conditioning our body like this is where we live. And so it does become that identity. And you might know people that maybe something happened to them 10 or 15 years ago, and you may talk to them for five minutes and they bring that up, they bring it up, they bring it up. Chances are real high that that they are still living in that event because it's it's quickly talked about. It's quickly, well, that well, did you know? Well, you know, I experienced, and they want to share you why, and really is what it is is they're explaining to you why they who are who they are. And then you've probably met people, and you may be one, you may be either either one that you might talk to them, and you may know them for years before you find out maybe there are some events that happened in their life that really were traumatic, or really, I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you went through that. I never knew. But because probably chances are they've worked through that, they're not, they've decided not to sit with that identity. Because again, the things that happened in the past don't have to be our life sentence. Think about if you had to carry that snap, think about when you got in trouble as a kid. Maybe just one time you got in trouble and you took a snapshot of that, and you walked around all the time saying, I'm that kid that got in trouble. Look, this is what I did, and and you're 50 years old now, and saying, Well, you know, I got in trouble because of this, and I'm a bad kid, and you know, I had a little bit of a drink when I was this age, and this is a snapshot. And, you know, I I could be an alcoholic, I don't know. This this is who I am, though. I mean, and and never get a chance to talk to you. They just go in, well, this is who I am, and you put it over your face, and they think, you're that you're that 11-year-old kid that did that thing that your parents got on to you for. You know, when I was seven, it was probably my last, the last time my dad spanked me. We were living in Mexico, and I went around the block without telling them. And I got back, and I got a spanking for it because I didn't tell them where they would go, where where I went, even though Mexico is a little safer than it is now. But I was seven years old and I went, you know, they didn't know where I was. It's not like you call 911 to Mexico. So what if I carried that around my entire life, said, Well, I'm a runaway kid. I don't listen to my parents, I just run away. I mean, would that be fair to say I'm a runaway kid? No, I just went around the block because I was seven years old and I wanted to see what was around the block. There's probably an ice cream truck I was I was chasing. Uh well, it wasn't a truck, it would be an ice cream, it would be an ice cream bike in Mexico. It could have been. I mean, we didn't live in the best part of Mexico. It was a little rough. But uh, but but what would it be like if I lived with that? And that's really what we're and you know, kind of making light of that because that's kind of a small thing, but we've all probably had really traumatic things that have shaped us. And that, and they should do that, they should shape us, but that that shouldn't be who we are. You know, I feel very confident, you know, within the last a little over 20 years. If there, if certain things didn't happen to me, I guarantee you, certain things didn't happen in my life within a 95% accuracy rate, probably 99, maybe 100, I would not, we would not be having this conversation. We would not be talking. Some of you I would never have met, we'd never come in contact at all. Now, when those things happen, I have no idea why. And and through a lot of work and a lot of different things, I understand that things just happen and we won't ever understand it. But then it is up to me to what do I want to do with that? How do I want that to shape my life? What changes do I want to make? How do I want to use that in a manner that helps, that makes a difference? But it but it's not one of those things that is a big old giant ball that's shackled to your ankle, and then for the next 30 years you drag it around. Say, hey, did you see my, did you see the weight? Did you see my anchor? I'd like to, I'd like to go a little faster in life, but I got this thing around my leg. It's holding me back. And that thing sometimes that's anchored to our leg, that is shackled to our leg, is our past. Because and the and guess what? Guess and we go looking around, who has the key? Who has the key? And guess who has the key the whole time? You do. It's right there in your right there in your hand. And then now there may be it may take a little time because you may be patting all over to see is it my pocket, is it in my my shirt pocket, is it, you know, in my bra, where is it? I lost it. I don't know where it is, but it is on us, and and through the work and through the understanding and through those things, we can find that key to unlock that, unlock that anchor, which is our past, and we can move away from it. It doesn't mean that we forget it, it just means that we begin to move away from it. And so, and just like anything, if that if that anchor, that ball is attached to our our ankle, does it take a lot of energy to drag that thing around? Yes. Yes, you almost look like I think, was it Igor that drags his leg when he walks? Anything that has to take a lot of work to drag that around. And and that's exactly what happens is we have to focus all of our energy on dragging that thing around. So, and we're looking back to make sure it's dragging, and we forget that we there's other things going on around us because we're so focused on that thing behind us, that past, that anchor, that ball that we're dragging around, that we can't focus forward because we're too busy focusing backwards. So our focus stays on the person who hurt us, it stays on the betrayal, it stays on the failure, it stays on the regret, and we can't move past that. And so we're feeding energy constantly to that past thing. And so it's getting in the way of maybe creating new relationships, of healing, of forgiveness. It gets in the way of those things because you know where energy, where focus goes, energy flows. Where energy goes, where focus goes, energy flows, which is very true. When we're focused on something, that's where we can put our energy to. And then that then it gives us ways to be more creative, to be more, have better mental space. I mean, it gives us to energy to be more physically active, and it and it gives us more energy for future potential. Because if we're always thinking about the past, how do we have brain space or brain energy to look towards the future? And I don't think we probably have much. When we can use that, you know, like your superpowers. Why use that energy for bad when you can use it for good? Why use superpowers for bad when you can use them for good? So we can't really create a new future while we keep um emotionally rehearsing the old one. We go over it, over it, and over it. Um and and why do we go over it over it? Because our body kind of goes, hey, I kind of like that. I kind of like when I'm a little weepy, I kind of like when I'm a little sad, I kind of like when I'm kind of down. And we'd say we don't, but why do we go back to that? Because there has to be something that our body goes, ooh, I like that. And it kind of makes us feel good sometimes. And then sometimes we go, ooh, I just want to hang out there. Because we keep going back to permission thinking, because permission thinking does a lot. We might say, uh, this happened to me, so I deserve to rethink it and rethink it. Like, is there anybody that loves huh? It becomes a habit. Yes, it becomes a a habit of who you emotionally are. Does anybody love to go to the dentist? Especially when that little that little tool goes wrong and no. Do you think about that all the time? Like, oh man, and you just think about that tool and all that sound and the pain. No, because why? You don't like it, it's not fun. But yet we go back to those things that happened to us over and over again to recreate that. And so we again we have to we have to unlock that ball and chain, we might say, that anchor, and leave it where it's at. Because otherwise, we're just gonna keep indulging in that old emotion, that old thought process. That does if if you've been in that cycle, has that ever gotten you anywhere by being in that loop? No. And maybe it's a person really hurts you. Maybe it's somebody did something really bad. And and and and I understand there are some very traumatic things, very awful things that happen in life that happen to to some of us. And and some of us never experience those things. We we don't know. It's very bad things. But those can be worked through. They may take time, but they don't have to be that snapshot, that time in your life. And by snapshot, we just don't say maybe a moment, maybe it's a season, maybe it's months, maybe it's years. That's very traumatic. But we don't have to keep living in that. Because as we posted this week, and as I mentioned the other day in treadmill class, each of you today, as of right now at 5 23 p.m., you have made it through 100% of all your hard days, of all your bad things that you thought, I'm not gonna make it through it. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine how to go on. You have made it through. 100% of those. You've made it through. And so as you move on to the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year, you get to choose what happened. I mean, of how you want to use what happened. I mean, it can be all kinds of things. But how is that going to shape you versus be your identity? Because you don't want that to be how people how they describe you. Well, you know, she's the one that blah, blah, blah. That was 20 years ago. That's not who I am. That's not what I am. I'd hate for somebody to say, well, you know, he's that little runaway tubby kid that ran around, you know, in Mexico. I wouldn't want anybody, 50, I wouldn't want anybody say that about me now because that's not true. That's not who I am. It was just one time it was a mistake. It was something that I did that didn't go right. And we may have those things too that, you know, we made a mistake. And mistakes happen because we, I mean, this is the first time we've done life. And so we make mistakes. And nobody's perfect. Sometimes people's mistakes just come out where others get stayed in. They have a better closet door than some of us. And and it's not see-through. It's not see-through. Some of us have it one of those, you know. I think there's those showers that when you go in, maybe it it clouds over. Yeah. You know, ours was faulty. Went in and it didn't cloud over, so you get to see it all. Yeah, expose it all. But but that, but that's a again, a snapshot. That's not who we are. Maybe that's a mistake. Maybe it's something we shouldn't have done. We should have known better. We learn from, we move on. And I think sometimes we we shouldn't hold that against ourselves because that's our past. And we shouldn't do the same for others because that's other people's past. That's not who they are today. And we shouldn't give them a life sentence for something they did 20 or 30 years ago. So really the challenge is is there an area maybe that that you've been holding on to that has been your story over the years that maybe you could begin to change that that is no longer your identity. Next week, next week we're gonna be talking about missing persons alert. Missing person alert. Yes. And we're gonna talk about that missing person that we used to be. And so again, the challenge is is there somewhere? See they're working over there. Is there somewhere that that you can begin to repair, that you can start to make a change, and that that's no longer your identity, because the past is the past, and it's not your life sentence. None of us are in jail, so it doesn't have to be our life sentence for the next 30, 40 years, because we get to live longer and longer now, and we don't die at 30 anymore, so we we still have a lot of years left. So you have a lot of years in your life, so don't make it a life sentence. And the best time to start changing that was yesterday. The next best time is today. Today is now, so that's the challenge. Any thoughts, comments, or questions? And thank you, V2, for joining us on Sit and Talk. Look forward to seeing you right here next time on Sit and Talk.