Sit & Talk: Missing Person Alert

We use the idea of a missing person alert to talk about the older versions of ourselves we sometimes long for and the specific pieces we wish we could get back. We sort nostalgia from reality so we can keep the best parts of who we were without undoing the growth that got us here. 
• missing person as a metaphor for the internal you 
• missing feelings like energy motivation confidence and carefree joy 
• Kim’s VHS moment and the sting of real nostalgia 
• why we prefer the old version because it feels familiar 
• memory bias by highlighting the good and softening the hard 
• missing pieces not the whole person 
• the parts of the old self we are glad are gone 
• growth happening in hard seasons and discomfort 
• outgrowing old identities instead of losing them 
• protecting peace setting boundaries and becoming more resilient 
• choosing what to carry forward into the next version of you 

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

The Missing Person Is You

SPEAKER_00 0:00

How's everybody? So we are gonna talk about missing person. So a lot of times when we see an alert that comes across on your phone, or if it's on the like the text.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Brown hair, blue eyes.

Missing The Old You

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Brown hair, blue eyes, uh, might be a certain height, uh, might have been wearing this, might have been driving this. Um, so it gives some physical characteristics of the missing person. So we're gonna talk about there may be some physical characteristics that you miss, but we're gonna talk about the missing person is gonna be you. Maybe it's the old version of you, maybe it's some parts of the old version of you. And when we talk about those, the missing person, and we're really gonna talk about not necessarily the physical, but maybe the internal things that you maybe miss. Maybe it's some feelings, maybe it's some emotions, uh, maybe there's some things that you miss of the old version. So we're gonna talk a little bit about the old you. Have you ever missed any any old version of you? Any?

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Yes.

A VHS Clip And Real Nostalgia

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yes. It might have been we'll go all the way back to high school. You thought, man, this is this stinks. I can't wait till I get out of school. And some of you might go, man, if I could just go back to high school. I didn't have much, I had to worry about if I had gas money and maybe some beer money, depending on you know what you like to do. And it might have been weed, I don't know. I'm not judging, just say it. It could be any of those. But maybe it was just to get an awesome burrito and a Dr. Pepper. That was the big goal. And then your biggest hope is that you get you flip over the lid on the Dr. Pepper and it says free Dr. Pepper. That might have been the biggest worry you had going on. But wouldn't that be nice? And sometimes if we have kids, we hear them complain, and we think, what do you have to complain about? You know, you know, especially when they lived at home, they would complain, like, what do you got? What do you got to complain about? You don't have to worry about paying your car insurance, your car payment, your gas, any of that. Life is good. Some of some of us might have some 20-year-olds still doing that. I don't know. I'm just saying. So it may. We're not being we're not being judged. But there's probably somewhere along the line that you miss something. And it may not be the whole thing, but there might be some different parts that you miss. Maybe you say, I used to have more energy. Had a had a client today, she was talking about working out in the yard. She's 70, she's 70. And she said, I notice one of the things I miss is I can't work out in the yard as long. She said, a couple hours now, and that's about the max I can do before I need to go in and rest and do other things. Uh, she said, I used to be able to stay out all day. And she goes, I kind of miss being able to do that. So we might say, you know, I missed having all that energy. I missed, because there probably are times in your life that you look back over different things and you're probably more motivated. There's certain times that, like, man, I was super motivated to do this or to do that. But maybe it's I kind of miss that. I kind of miss that motivation. Maybe it's confidence or self-esteem. Maybe there's some times that you miss those. I know this is crazy, and some of you may be like this, but so when Kim wrote her book, and some of you might have seen it, but she made this trifold board like a science project, but it had all the different pictures from her chapters that described it. Like how that happens, I have no idea. And so we had this conversation. We we this was in walk and talk, missing person alert. So later on Tuesday, she sends me a homemade VH video that probably her dad took of her sitting on the floor, leaned up against her bed, talking on the phone.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

Your water bed. Your water bed.

Why The Old Version Feels Safe

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Your water bed. And and she and she sent the video, and the next three words were missing person alert. And she said, I miss this girl. And I mean, I just I don't have any pictures, videos, anything like that that would say that. But she was able to look at that and say, I missed, and then she went on to say, I missed her care freedness, I missed not a care in the world, can talk all day on the phone. Her big excitement was getting a phone line for Christmas. I mean, all those things. And she said, missing personal, or I miss that person. And I think we all have different times where we kind of miss that, and we miss some of those things, the older versions of ourselves. Um, but you know, it's kind of like when you get an update on the iPhone. Do you still have an iPhone? I mean, does it still work all the same when you get an update for the most part? And really, when you get an update, it really there's a few things it tweaks, a few things it it changes. And sometimes with those updates, what happens? You go, I really like the the way it used to be. How about the app? How about our app when it updated?

SPEAKER_03 6:14

I don't like it.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

And you could I was just gonna say that.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

We hate it.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

You hate it. And and there's a couple of reasons you dislike it, but one is because you can't see who all your friends are in classes. But again, it's we get we go, man, I wish I had the old version, even though there's so many ways that the new version is better. But why does the why do we like the old version?

SPEAKER_03 6:38

We were comfortable, what we're used to.

Simpler Times In A Faster World

SPEAKER_00 6:41

We're what we're used to, and and see, so the interesting thing is that was what, about a month ago. So anybody that has really signed up since then doesn't know there was an old way. They just think this is the way the app's always been. They don't know that you could see who all who all was in the class if you were signed up. They don't know that it was just they don't know what they're missing. They don't know what they're missing. You don't know what you don't know. But we do miss that. The app in particular is because we it felt familiar. It it just was a little bit simpler. There wasn't so many places to go. You know, it was just, and we feel that way sometimes about our life. Some of the things we miss from the older version is because it was familiar. As camera, you know, as a teenager sitting against her bed, it was simpler. There wasn't much to it. You know, maybe there was times when responsibilities were lighter. And then again, there were times when we didn't know what we didn't know, which is kind of nice sometimes. And the thing is, we don't we don't miss the whole person. Typically, it's just we miss pieces. Because typically is what we will do is we highlight the good and we soften the struggle. And so when we think back, we you know there's a few times that when Kim wrote about her childhood, she mentions her dad calling her, you know, a dumbass, but for the most part, it was all it was all good. But I bet there was a bunch of times that those words came out of his mouth. And there was probably a bunch of times the belt came off. But those were only mentioned very few. And that's no different than what all of us do. Is when we remember, we remember that we highlight the good things about that, and so we're not missing all of it, we just miss certain pieces. You know what, you know, when I think of a missing a person alert and the person I miss, believe it or not, the person I miss the most is 315-pound Aaron. I miss him a bunch. Because 315-pound Aaron didn't worry about what he ate, he didn't care about what we were gonna have, he didn't care about meal prepping, he wasn't worried about running, he wasn't worried about cardio, none of that. He was a lot of fun, he was a lot of fun, and he had so much time on his hands because he didn't have to worry about that, and so sometimes I miss that. Do I miss the whole 315-pound air? No, that's a lot to miss, and I didn't I don't miss all that, but there's some things I miss being able to eat a couple hot dogs and some hunks of cheese and a Dr. Pepper at 2 o'clock in the morning. I miss that. I miss those things he used to do. I miss that he didn't worry about if he's gonna get cardio in or not. How great! So I missed some of those things, but I don't miss all of it. Overall, 315-pound Aaron was a very unhappy person. Not a happy camper, not a nice person, kind of ugly, kind of mean, just not a fun person to be around. So I don't miss the whole thing, I just miss a couple things. And maybe we maybe there's some things in our as we look back at the older version. Maybe we miss some things like maybe we're a little bolder, maybe we were a little more carefree, maybe we're a little more spontaneous. Spontaneous has never been me, ever. It's just not. Maybe we maybe there was some confidence that we used to have that now we lack a little bit. Maybe it's just really we miss some, just our life was a lot simpler. How many people would say their life is simple now? I bet not many. Even though I see some of you just chilling outside, and it seems like, oh, that's such a simple time. But I bet your day has not been like that. A simpler time means we didn't rush from here to there, we didn't have to do these things. We next week we're gonna talk about actually we're gonna talk about how conveniences of food and losing the craft of making food has really changed us as a society. Because what does when we make food, when we cook food, what does that do? What does that make us do? It makes us slow down, it makes our life a little simpler. Like sometimes on Saturdays I'll cook hamburgers on the air fryer, but it slows me down. I'll stay in the kitchen, just kind of piddle around, not really doing anything, just kind of waiting on it to get done. So sometimes those things slow us down, and we've kind of, as things, you know, as we get more technology, why do we get busier? But it is crazy that the we do get busier the more technology we get. It's kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

But some of those TikTok of people that want to slow down back to the time of the 90s. It was simpler and um less digital.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Back in a time when you'd go into anybody's bathroom and there'd be a wicker basket with all kinds of magazines. All kinds of magazines, full of magazines. It was a simpler time. And you'd go in somebody's house and on their coffee table would be maybe some magazines or some books.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

All the time. Yes, in every house.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

The TV guide. I mean you look the best. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

Or newspapers. Newspapers.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Newspapers.

SPEAKER_03 12:40

When you now we're all just digital. I still get newspapers.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

Because you you probably like the the ink on your fingers, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:51

I do. I like sitting down and reading the newspaper. I like reading books. I don't like those e-books. I don't I've got one, I don't like it. I like a paper book that I can flip around and write on if I want to write on it.

What You Are Glad Is Gone

SPEAKER_00 13:08

And and and sometimes that feels like progress when you can actually touch a page and turn it instead of just tapping. But see, all those things, I mean, it it takes, you know, time to get the book, to get it out, to flip the pages instead of just tapping it. I mean, think about swap machines now. I mean, you don't even have to pull the handle anymore, you just hit the button or you tap the screen. Everything is much quicker. How can we do it faster? And you know, that changes things, and maybe maybe those are some things that we miss. Now, what's what's some things of the old you you're glad are gone? Maybe it's one thing. Um hopefully you can name at least one. Hopefully, uh, maybe more than that. Um I'm kind of uh glad that the temper of the old me is gone. A lot of you would think Aaron has a temper? No way, but it did. It was a very short fuse.

SPEAKER_03 14:18

Kim's probably happy too. She is very happy.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Control that.

Growth Costs Something

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Control it. You know, I mean, you just go outside, get barefooted, ground with the earth, and let the energy flow through you, and that's all there is to it. A little namaste, and there you go. But so I'm glad that is gone. So I'm not upset about that. You know, 315-pound Aaron can keep all that. So I don't miss that. So hopefully there's at least one thing that you that you can think of, and you're like, man, I'm glad that's gone. Because a lot of times when we think about our past sometimes, and it was good, we might make it better than we thought. Because we've we've talked about memories before, and memories change. When we when we re-engage them, we alter them a little bit. We alter them from pictures we've seen, from maybe newspapers, from television, depending on what the memory is, it alters a little bit. So every time we get that memory, it's a little more altered. So it's not exactly the exact memory that we had. So maybe, maybe you know, it's something like you were a little less mature, maybe it was you're more insecure, maybe it was you were more impulsive, maybe it was you didn't like to have hard conversations, maybe it was you were very, very meek, maybe it was you never had any boundaries, and maybe some of those things are gone, and you're like, wow, I'm so glad that maybe I have a boundary, I have more confidence, I'm more secure. I just like to be impulsive sometimes. Maybe you you're glad that those things are gone, and maybe you have one of those things. You know, the thing is though, anytime, think about any time when you've grown physically, and when I say grown physically, I don't mean like gotten bigger round circumference, but grown like internally, whether it's grown emotionally, whether it's grown spiritually, because if we think about spiritually, when are the most times you grow? In the hard times. In the hard times. So when is the when is the times that you become more physically fit and you grow? Is it when you're when it's hard, when it's hard, when you're sweating, when you're breathing hard, when is the the time you've grown the most mentally? It's when you're like, man, I need to reevaluate this. Wow, I need to look at this from man, this is a big deal. In those times is when it's hard, is when we grow. And when it's hard, that's the cost of growth. Because growth doesn't come for free. We want it to, you know, it'd be nice if we could get fit without doing anything. It would be nice if we be could become more spiritual without any hardships. And I think sometimes we expect that, that we shouldn't have any hardships, but that is how growth happens. And sometimes the old version of ourselves, we don't lose them, we outgrow them. We grow beyond who they were. I didn't lose 315-pound Aaron, he's still within me. And really, for me, he's always someone I battle all the time because he could come back very easily in regards to food and not exercising and all of that. It'd be very easy for him to come back. So that's what part of the reasons why I'm so structured and routined, is because I know if I'm if for me, if I'm not that way, he comes back very, very quickly and can do that very, very quickly, very sneaky. And and but but he has also taught me how to be more disciplined because you know it taught me how to eat better. He taught me how to be disciplined when it comes to exercise, that you know, cardiovascular exercise is necessary. Um, it makes a difference. He disciplined on making sure those workouts get in, on getting up, on following a program, all those things, that younger version of me, that that bigger version of me has helped me that I am now. I outgrew them. So when I first lost weight, I went, I did it through Weight Watchers, as I've mentioned. So after I'd stopped going to Weight Watchers after about a year and a half, I think, maybe it was another year later, I'd put on some a few pounds, so I went back to Weight Watchers and it didn't work for me. It was like it just wasn't because I outgrew my knowledge and what I wanted for me, I had outgrown that. Yes, the program still works, but then I was having a hard time understanding how I can eat some of these free things that actually have calories. That I wasn't like I that can't be right for me, as we talked about being aware of what works for you, as we talked about in Healthy Huddle. But so I outgrew it. And just like, have you ever outgrown somebody else? Like you used to have a friend and you outgrew them?

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Yes, yes.

Signs You Have Actually Evolved

SPEAKER_00 19:30

We do the same for ourselves. Our old version, we outgrow. When you upgrade a system, what does that mean? That usually means because your current system isn't working, you've outgrown it. Maybe it's more customers, maybe it's more people, maybe. Why is it that sometimes you get more, what is it, gigabytes on your phone? Your old phone had this many, and you found out you had too many videos, too many pictures. So when you went in to get a new phone, you got one of the bigger gigabytes. Why? Because you outgrew that old version. Because maybe now you have a life, and now you're taking pictures of everything and you're loving life, and it's great, and you outgrew that old version. I mean, we're not a whole lot different than the phone. We outgrow that and we need more space. So the question is, how are you different now from that missing person? I can list a whole bunch of ways I'm different. Um and hopefully you can um have a bunch of reasons why you're different than that missing person, that person you missed. Remember, you don't miss the whole person, it's just a few things that you miss um about them. Um, you know, maybe now you're more self-aware. Um, maybe now you're more resilient. And how do we get more resilient? That's a tough way. We we get knocked down a bunch. Um, you know, now after we talked about on Monday, about how when you say no, you're actually doing other people a favor. Now you're more selective with your energy. Um, and the old version of you is to say yes to everything. And after Monday, you're like, man, I'm saying no a lot now. I'm telling everybody I'm doing them a favor. Um, now maybe you're more protective of your peace, um, because that is our responsibility to be protective of our peace. Maybe you're stronger. Now you're stronger emotionally. So sometimes when we grow, we feel like we lose things. But really, it's just because it's unfamiliar doesn't mean um it's it's wrong. Um, it just means that we're evolving. Um, just like uh when we get a new update on our phone doesn't mean that it's wrong, it just means that it's better. Um, hopefully, that's the goal as we go through life. Um, that is always the goal. As we go through life, we get better. Um, so just just a quick check. If you look back at last year this time, are you the same person or are you have you grown? And the hope would be that you're grown. If you haven't grown, I would say, you might want to look at that. Because we definitely we might be a different person in six months. In a year, definitely. In five years, we should see a big difference. If I said, tell me about the year, uh, tell me about you five years ago, and I would expect it'd probably be a different person than who I know now. Maybe it's emotionally, maybe it's physically, maybe it's spiritually, maybe it's mentally. And sometimes it's really neat because we get to see how people evolve. Maybe we're friends with them for an amount of time, and we go, wow, I can see how you've changed, how you've evolved. And this was the old version of you, and you've evolved over the years. Maybe it's you've evolved over the months. We can see a difference. You know, and a lot of times when we've missed the the missing person of us, the little things, it's not because we want to go back. I mean, would any of us want to go back to kindergarten? I mean, I mean, they got nap.

SPEAKER_03 23:22

You got a snack and a nap, everybody.

Bring The Best Parts Forward

SPEAKER_00 23:24

You got a snack and a nap, yes. But would you really want to have to go to bed at a certain time and and get up when your parents told you and all those things? No, chances are not. Now, do you miss the nap and the snack? You bet. But do you miss the whole process? No. And a lot of times it's a beginner level. If we look at it now, that's beginner level, that's easy. And we look back at some of this stuff and go, that was easy. But at the time it was probably pretty challenging. Only because now you probably have some more challenging things. You go, wow, if I only had that, if I only had to deal with that, that you know, that wouldn't be a big deal. But at the time we thought, man, that was that was rough. And oftentimes it's about when we move forward, it's uncomfortable. We have 2020 vision when we look backwards. So it's complete comfort. But where does growth happen? Forward or backwards? Forward. Forward. So we're always moving forward. So so we think about some of those things that you had in the past. What do you want to bring with you forward? Maybe it's your boldness that you do want to bring into some wisdom. Maybe it's your joy that you want to bring into your maturity, maybe it's your faith that you reignite with some experiences. Maybe it's some hunger for something that you bring into your discipline. So we don't have to take, we don't have to have all of the old you, the missing person. We can just take some of the best parts and combine them with who you are now. And whatever age you are. Maybe you're version 5.9, maybe you you're version 3.8. And so every year, as we get a little older, oftentimes we think, man, it gets tougher as we get older. But every look at it as every year is a new, better version of the year before. And just like everything, when there's an update on the iPhone, there's some things that work really great. And there's this one thing that's not so great and needs some work on. Same thing with us. When we go to that next version 5.1, maybe there's some better things, but maybe there's that one thing we can make a little bit better, so we start working on it. So each each version gets a little better. So, really, the challenge is when we think about the missing person, what are some of the things that we really liked about that person that would really serve us well as we move forward? What can we take with us? How can we evolve? And, you know, a year from now, say, man, those are a couple things that I enjoyed that I want to bring into me because I really had a lot of joy at 50, and I've kind of lost that for some reason. Or I've really let other people steal my peace, and I want to bring that back. And so I'm gonna take that with me and evolve that into my new version, my new 5.0, my new 5.9 version. So really the challenge is what can you use and evolve into the next version, into your next birthday? That's coming up because we want your next birthdays. That's your new version. Any thoughts, comments, or questions? And thank you, DVG, for joining us on Sit and Talk. And we look forward to seeing you right here next time on Sitting Talk.