Sit & Talk: One Surprising Habit That Will Make You Feel More Fulfilled

We talk about why listening is the most important communication skill and why active listening changes how people feel around us. Then we flip the skill inward and lay out four things to listen to so we feel more fulfilled and more aligned with who we are. 
• listening as the foundation of strong communication 
• active listening through questions instead of turning it back to us 
• a simple “game” to practice staying engaged without sharing our own stories 
• fulfillment explained through the “order fulfilled” metaphor 
• listening to our curiosity and taking small steps toward what interests us 
• listening to people who inspire us and learning to think bigger 
• listening to fear as a signal that points to growth outside the comfort zone 
• listening to our truth by checking actions against values and beliefs 
• four reflection questions to guide daily intentionality 

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

Welcome And Real Talk Greetings

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Sit and Talk. Thank you so much for joining us. If this is your first time each week, we join our live call for sit and talk as we talk about different mental conditioning topics and how we can become stronger mentally through daily intentionality. So let's join our live call for uh this week's sit and talk.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Most people just look at you because you know, because normally when people say how are you or what you know, they are just being nice.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Yeah, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

They just want to hear good.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

They don't really care.

Listening As The Core Skill

SPEAKER_00 0:34

They don't they don't really care. That's sad. So then then you should say, suck, and then that'd be it. You know, change it up a little bit. All right. So we'll get started, and everybody can just catch up when they get on. So if so, if if we if you were here for walking talk on Tuesday, you can't answer this question. You're not allowed to answer because you know the answer. But everybody else should probably know the answer pretty quick. Two in communication, in communication, what is the most important thing of communication?

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Listening.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Listening, yes, right on the money. So listening is the most important habit that we can master when it comes to communication. And not just listening, but even going a step further, and the most important thing would be being an active listener. So, what's the difference between listening and being an active listener? What would you say?

SPEAKER_01 1:55

An active listener is someone that's asking questions as you go.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

About what you're about what you're telling about, not about something that they want to talk about.

What Active Listening Looks Like

The No Self-Story Listening Game

Fulfillment And The Order Metaphor

Listen To Curiosity Again

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Yes, exactly. So an active listener is gonna participate in the conversation in a manner that shows that they are listening to what you are saying. So, in other words, have you ever been in a conversation where you're talking to somebody and they're nodding? And they're nodding, and they go, Well, you know, that reminds me of a story. Well, you know, I had that same thing happen to me. Let me tell you about it. That is not being an active listener. That's really not being a very good listener, quite honestly. But an active listener would listen to because sometimes when we listen, as the person is talking, they think, oh my gosh, they are really into what I'm saying. And if we were to have a glimpse into the mind of the other person, they would be formulating their story, their response to what you're talking about, which would bring it back to them. But an active listener that would say, So how did that, you know, you were telling me about that conversation? How'd that make you feel? Or was there a point in there that you kind of thought, no, I don't think that's right. Or what did that experience do when you, I mean, weren't you a little scared? Or when you an active listener starts asking more questions in the conversation. So if you want to have a fun game and nobody has to know you're playing it, I play it quite often at different things just to kind of entertain myself sometimes. But when you have a next time you have a conversation, it's kind of a maybe it's doesn't have to be with a close friend, but just if you're out in an event or a party or you're around friends, see how long you can be an active listener without sharing anything about you or your experience. And it's a fun game because then you're being intentional about how long can I keep asking questions and truly be engaged and without sharing something that I have. In other words, a story or an example or something like that, and keep being an active listener of picking up on things that they say that you can ask another question or say, you know, what did that do? Or you can go on and on. So it's just kind of it, but it really works to help us to be a better listener and not have to think about what am I gonna say? What am I gonna do? So you don't even have to be a good conversationalist to be a really good communicator. In other words, because you could really be into asking them questions and leading them into something else, and they would leave that conversation going, that was such a good conversation with that person. And you might have not said much at all, but they leave feeling very encouraged by the conversation. So listening is an important skill. But it as today's topic is the one surprising habit that will make you more fulfilled. It's almost a habit that will make somebody else fulfill. What happened? How'd you feel when somebody really actively listened to you? How did that make you feel? Did it make you feel important? It made you heard, made you feel good, it made you feel all those things when somebody like kept bringing it back to you and asking you questions. So we often use that with somebody with other people, but how often do we use that skill of listening to make ourselves feel more fulfilled? Listening, and so we're gonna talk about the the four things that we should listen to when it comes to ourselves and and how to make ourselves feel more fulfilled. Um, if you ever get a notification, if you've ordered something and says your order has been fulfilled, what does that mean? It could mean that it's been packaged and shipped. It could mean credit card that they took your money, it's been fulfilled. They took your money, took your card, and said, We'll let you know when it's on the way. Sometimes it means that they you put in your credit card, they pack the order, they tape the box, they send it to you, you sign for the box. Now everything, all the different transactions have been completed. So now your entire order is fulfilled because you have it in your hands. And when you get that package, you're like, this is the best. It's been fulfilled. And so that's kind of what we're gonna talk about. The the four things we need to start listening to to become fulfilled, to complete that, all those different transactions of fulfillment. And when we feel feel fulfilled, sometimes it's like, man, I'm not sure if it could get much better than this. You get that thing you've been waiting for in the mail, and you go, man, I don't think it could get much better than this. Sometimes at Christmas, as a kid, it comes along, and I mean, if you ever watched The Christmas story, and he gets his Red Rider BB gun, he's like, Man, I don't think life could get much better than this. I I would say if if you see him, you know, when he goes to open the present, when his dad, when if you ever watch it, you're totally missing out, but this the last present on Christmas morning, and he and his dad goes, What's that behind the Christmas tree? And and Ralphie goes behind there and grabs it, and you see his eyes. I mean, that I always think that is what total fulfillment looks like right there at that moment when he's looking at the Red Rider BB gun. And that, and I think how often do we get that feeling? Um, so we're gonna talk about maybe the different things we should listen to to maybe experience that, like Ralphie did with that Red Rider BB gun. And the first one is listen to our curiosity. Because I I think when we're younger, we're very curious as kids, right? We want to go check this out and go look at that and and see what this does, and we're very curious, but why do we lose that as we get older? Think about why why would we lose curiosity and become less curious as we get older?

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Because we have too much other crap to do.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

We have yes, and we have too much other crap to do, and and also probably life experience would say, well, that's too dangerous, that's too expensive. People are gonna be kicked in the teeth a few times, you've been kicked in the teeth a few times, yes. So life has taught us some lessons and started to take away our curiosity, and so we stop being curious. But think about a kid when you're curious and you wanted to know, where does this road go? What if I go beyond the trees? What if I sneak in this empty building? What will I find? And when you if you did those things, did your heart kind of race a little bit? Did you get some excitement? And then what happened when you did that thing? You told other friends, oh my gosh, you wouldn't believe what was in there or what happened, or you got excited. Um, and I think we lose that as we get a little older because of all the reasons we we talked about. So it's something we should learn to do again and listen to what is making us curious. So, you know, what do we want to pursue or learn more about? What interests you? Because when we pursue those things that interest us, it brings more excitement, just like when you're a kid, when you pursue that thing that you wanted to find out more about, is there really ghosts in what is that hotel in Mineral Wells?

SPEAKER_01 10:25

The Baker Hotel.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

The Baker Hotel. There's rumors to be ghosts in there. You know, we went and stayed at a hotel in San Antonio with the girls one time because they want to stay there because they're supposed to be haunted. What was that called?

SPEAKER_01 10:37

The meager.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

The meager, yeah. And they said they heard something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

No, it did. We did.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Okay. It does, yes. So, and and so you you go, oh, that's interesting. So I want to go see what that's about because it's excitement, and then what happens when you do those things you're curious about, you grow, you learn, you go, I had this amazing experience. And then you can share about the ghost you heard or saw in the minger, you can share about what you're curious about, and sometimes it it's exciting, but doesn't mean that maybe turned out right or it that you want to do it again, but you can share about it and go, I was I wanted to learn more about it, and this is what happened. So, for me, one of the things that I'm very curious about because as I mentioned on Tuesday, I cannot find my way out of a paper bag at all. We can go somewhere 10 minutes later, come back that same way, and I'll have to ask Kim, how do we turn? Where do we go? Because I have like no idea, like we've never been there before. And so, but I like to go hiking, and Kim doesn't like go hiking with me because I really don't pay attention.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Up I mean because you get us lost. That's why I don't like to go.

Follow People Who Inspire Action

Use Fear As A Map

Find Your Truth And Values

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Yes, I'll get a lot get us lost, and I'll take a bottle of water and a granola bar for a four-day hike and think that's plenty of that that will be fine. For the two of us, for the two of us, and so one of the things I would like to, I'm curious about is learning how to orienteer. So, in other words, it's find directions, be able to navigate in woods and all that kind of stuff. Like that's very interesting to me. So I want to learn more to do that. Have I done that yet? No, but it's something I'm because to for me, if we were then I would feel very confident if her and I went hiking, that I could get us back to where we started. You know, that would make me feel very confident, strong, like I'm doing a good manly thing that I can, you know, navigate our way through the woods. So it would just make me feel better. And it would help me, and it would excite me to know that if I started out on a trail and for some reason I got off the trail, I could have the skills to find my way back to civilization. And so we have to become an active listener to our curiosity. So an active listener is how does that make me feel? What do I want to do? Why do I want to do it? Should I try it? How can I try it? What can I learn more about? So it, you know, again, we can be an active listener with ourselves and lean into that curiosity and say, what? And maybe there's something you're thinking of right now. What have I been curious about? Could I learn more about that? Could I actually take some action on it? Could I pursue that? What kind of excitement would that bring? So we're going to kind of to challenge each one of these is what are you curious about? And kind of dig deeper into that. That maybe something life has told you that all the reasons why you shouldn't, but you're still curious. It hasn't gone away. So maybe it's time to give it a try. The second one is the second thing we should start listening to is listening to people that inspire us. So we've talked numerous times about um who you listen to, what you watch, um, to help with mental growth, to maybe that it's somebody that inspires you to write a book or to drive cross-country or take this crazy trip. It doesn't have to be mental growth, it can be anything. Anybody, I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of TikTokers that inspire you to organize something or go on a cheap trip as cheap as you can, all the different things. So what that's one of those things that we can do that we listen to people that inspire us. So we'll feel feel fulfilled when we actively learn from people who empower us to think bigger and take action. So think bigger as like, man, I didn't know they could go cross country and literally for pennies on the dollar. That sounds pretty cool. I never thought about that. Uh, maybe it's think bigger of you mean I don't have to have all this stuff in my house. I can live um with less. Maybe it's it's it's um you when we think bigger, I think we sometimes think of bigger as grandioso things, but sometimes thinking bigger is just thinking differently than what you currently do, it's outside of your comfort zone, so that can be bigger. Um, and isn't it um fulfilling when we can listen to those and go, I tried that? And man, that kind of makes me happy. Or we go, Well, I tried that and I didn't like that at all. That was not for me. So the challenge there is who who inspires you? Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a parent, maybe it's a coworker, maybe it's somebody you follow on social media. Um, and what are they inspiring you to do? To in what way to think bigger, or what action are they inspiring you to do? And as we think about that, we listen to those who are inspiring us, kind of leads into the next one, which is what happens a lot of times when we're inspired. We're inspired, and then we have those fears come in. And of what if? What if I can't do all these things? What if I, you know, that really inspires me, but then what if I'm too tired? I don't have time, I don't have the money, what are people gonna say? I got all these things come in. So then we begin listening to our fears in a different way than what we've talked about before. We listen to them in a way of looking at them as going, these fears are holding me in my comfort zone because as we listen to those that inspire us, they're inspiring us to think bigger and think differently. But then we listen to those fears, and if we listen to them, we go and recognize them for what they are, and really when we listen to them, they are holding us in our comfort zone where we like to be at. We want to be inspired, we want to think bigger, but at the as we talk about the second part of thinking bigger and taking action. And our fears go, no, don't take that action because you've been kicked into the in the teeth, you've been knocked down, you've been disappointed, you've been all the different things. But sometimes our fulfillment is held in um those fears. In other words, if we um unlock those fears, if we go past those fears, that's where sometimes our fulfillment is. Because think about when you did something that you had some fear about. How did you feel about yourself when you did it? Chances are real high, you felt pretty excited, pretty good. Um, like wow, I didn't know I could do that. That is pretty amazing. Um so sometimes our fears are what holds the key to unlocking our potential. Because a lot of times we don't have in life, we don't re reach our full potential. Because if everybody has potential and everybody has amazing potential, but why do some reach higher potential than others? It's not always because they're smarter or because they're more athletic, or because they know more. Sometimes it's just because they push past the fear, they listen to the fear and go, this really scares me. But it keeps me where I'm at, and I don't want to do that anymore. So being fulfilled means I push outside of that comfort zone, outside of that fear. And when you do, you go, wow, I didn't realize writing that book was gonna make me feel like that. I didn't realize doing that event or that run was gonna make me feel like that. Like, man, now I feel like I can do more. I didn't realize that working on this relationship was gonna make me feel like that. I feel like, man, if I can do that, I'm pretty I'm thinking I can do anything. And and our fears have the key to unlock our potential. We all have amazing potential, but that fear holds us back from reaching it. Now we've talked about before the quickest way to reach your potential is to push past the fear and fail, get up, fail, get up, fail, get up. Because all of your fears that you've had and you've gotten past, you've survived all your fears. I see everybody doing different things on here, and so that means you have made it past all your fears. And so, as we, you know, we listen to our curiosity, we're actively listening to it, we're actively listening to the people that inspire us by asking questions, learning, and we're actively listening to our fears. What am I going to do with this fear? How's it make me feel? What if I go past it? What if I stay here? You're asking all the questions, so you're actively listening. And then we move into the last one, which is listen to the truth, listen to not just the truth, because everybody will tell you the truth, right? Their truth, their truth, and and and their truth and your truth are different. So the key there is to listen to your truth. What is your truth, and how do we know what our truth is? So we have to know what we believe. What do we believe? When we're pushed to the test, what do we believe? If we're pushed to the test, what do we value? So again, if you squeeze an orange, what comes out? Orange juice. If you squeeze an apple, what comes out?

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Apple juice.

Four Questions And Closing

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Apple juice. So there will never be a time ever that you squeeze an orange and get out apple juice. Never. It won't happen. But how many times? Do you say you value something or you believe something? And when you're squeezed, comes out something way different. And whatever comes out way different is really your real truth, what you believe, what you value. So again, being an active listener to your truth is goes, Wow, that was my truth. I don't like that. That's not really what I want. So we can change that. You can change what you believe. You can change what you value. And I always think we should always challenge what we believe and what we value. We should never be, I think, so set to go, ah, that I mean, I can't do any of that. That's not what I believe or what I value. It should always be, how am I going to process this? How does this match up to what I believe? How does this match up to what I value? Because sometimes we, when we look at that, it goes, huh, I can see something in that, in that belief. Maybe that, maybe I take something from that, add that to me, or I can see something in that value. Maybe I bring that. Or I've really thought about it. I've looked at it. It doesn't align with my values or beliefs. Totally okay. But a lot of times the reason we feel unfulfilled is because we aren't living our lives in alignment or congruency with what we believe in value. We live it in alignment with what we believe other people believe we should believe in and have value. Because it goes back to we're too scared to say, this is what I believe in, this is what I value. You know, this is what I've spent time on, understanding what I value, and these are my beliefs. And still being open to new information, being open to that curiosity. Is there something that I've learned that has gone that has challenged that? And go, ah, wow. There was a belief I had for a lot of years. Had a conversation just a couple weeks ago, and I was sharing it with that person, and they challenged it. You're exactly right. And and so it it kind of it altered the way the belief I had in that because they were right, and I had just never thought of it in that uh from that perspective. So I I would never want to be so this is the way it has to be that I'm not open to listen, to be an active listener and go, wow, there's some truth to that. I can see where that, yes, I'm still trying to share the same message, but you're exactly right. And that aligns a little bit better with really what I was trying to convey. So it did change the way I believed a little bit. And and it just, I think for me was an improvement. And and that's something that I that I talked about and held for for 20 plus years. And I think we should always kind of be open to go, let me let me analyze that and think about that and be, yep. And then I think when we do that, it does create some fulfillment. Because I thought, wow, that's at first I was like, oh man, I I should do better. But then I thought, no, because that's a growing moment that I can take it and grow. And when we grow, don't we feel fulfilled? Not when we grow out, but when we grow in our head, we feel fulfilled. And so that is fulfillment. If we can live in alignment with what we believe and value ourselves, our truths, and not other people's, we can feel more fulfilled because a lot of times we don't feel feel fulfilled because we're in the comparison mode of what our parents think we should do, what our kids think we should do, what our spouse thinks we should do, what our best friends think we should do, all of those things. So we're doing these things out of obligation, out of I don't think that I don't want to do all the things. So the challenge really is listen closely to your answers of those four things. What are you curious about? What people inspire you and why, what fears are holding you back, and what are your core values and beliefs? And be an active listener in all of those questions as you answer them. Say, don't say, What are you curious about? Snow cones. Why? What do you want to know about it? How's the ice made? Where do they get the flavor? How's it gonna do to my health? What's it gonna? Those are the kind of questions you want to ask a bunch of them. That's being an active listener. So that's really the challenge is to be an active listener for yourself, the same as you would have a good conversation with somebody else. How would you do that for yourself? Any thoughts, comments, or questions about the habit that'll make us the most make us more fulfilled? And thank you to VTU for joining us on Sit and Talk. I look forward to seeing you right here next time on Sit and Talk.