Sit & Talk: Define Success for Your Life

We dig into why success feels confusing when you measure your life with someone else’s ruler and why comparison makes you doubt progress that is actually meaningful. We share a practical way to define success across the key areas of your life so your goals match your values and your peace. 
• using a beach photo as a simple picture of what “success” can feel like 
• spotting borrowed or inherited definitions of success from family and culture 
• noticing how comparison and social media distort what success looks like 
• asking “Am I aligned with what I actually want?” instead of “Am I ahead?” 
• understanding why backgrounds and beliefs create different success standards 
• naming the danger of not defining success and letting the world decide 
• defining success in domains like marriage, parenting, work, health, mindset, faith 
• building boundaries by focusing on a few priority categories 

https://aarondegler.com/

Transcript

Welcome To Sit And Talk

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Sit and Talk. Thank you for joining us today. If this is your first time to sit and talk, welcome. Each week we just dive into a topic that for mental conditioning, as we join our live calls, we discussed our live call, and we just discussed that and how we can apply that into our everyday life. So uh let's get started with sit and talk. Let's join our live call. Last week we talked a little bit about success and kind of what that looked like. Kind of briefly went over it how we define success for ourselves, but we're gonna kind of go a little more in detail about how do we define success for our life and how does that look. So since we're virtual, I can't the picture's too big to show you, but in the tanning room in there, there is a picture, it's like on a canvas, that has a book, and on the book it says to find success for your life. And it kind of shows some sand behind it, some water, and some palm trees. And so I thought that was a really good uh picture. Um, and it's a really good example, too. Um probably if you haven't seen the picture, um you can look next time you come in. Um, but and if you've seen it, you probably didn't know, or if you did know, but Kim took that picture, and we've had that for quite a while. Um, and has anybody ever read or heard of the books Green Lights by Matthew McConaughey? It is really good. Um, and I would highly suggest um that you listen to it on Audibles um because he reads it. And it's even better to listen to it than to read it when he's reading it. So that was that was one of his pages on his book. And so as Kim took that, it was really kind of interesting because if you were to ask her what does success look like, she would probably say, sitting on a beach, waves crashing, not in the water, but close to the water, with some palm trees blowing, she would say that's kind of that's pretty successful, that's kind of a successful life. And and you think just at that moment, but you think about all the things that have to go on to be there. And so we're gonna kind of talk about how does that look a little different for each of us, and and and how do we define that? And not just how do we define success overall, but how do we define success in different areas of our life? That is really the challenge, and we're gonna talk about that. Because if you think about success, and maybe your definition of it, maybe it is a definition that has been borrowed, borrowed or inherited. So, what does that mean? So both my parents were teachers, my sister was a teacher, and so my dad always told me because I didn't, you know, I didn't really know what I wanted to do in life. So he said, well, go to school and be a teacher. Need to go to college, become a teacher. Because at least with teaching, you'll always have a job, you'll always have some sort of income. So I said, okay, so that's what I went to school for. It's not something I really necessarily enjoyed in teaching the subject, what I was teaching. It's not something I really enjoyed. But well, my parents did it and they always had jobs. My sister did, she always had jobs, so that must must be what success looks like. So I borrowed that definition and went to school, went to student teaching, did all that, and then realized that wasn't my thing. That's not something that was probably gonna bring me joy. Yes, would it would it make money and would I have a job? Yes. And would it bring me joy? No. And so when I look at success, I think about initially that was a borrowed definition of because that's just what I was gonna do, or an inheritance. Maybe you borrow a definition as in how do we borrow borrow definition of success? How does somebody else's life look? Well, that looks pretty good, that must look successful. So let me borrow that definition of success. What did they do? Where do they work? How much time do they spend with their family? How much time do they spend at work? All those different things, and we borrow that definition. So if I want success like that, then I guess I need to do all those things. And sometimes we even feel successful when other people's fa other people fail. Or sometimes we feel like we failed when other people's success succeed. You ever had you ever know anybody that is not happy for you when you succeed or when you make progress?

SPEAKER_01 5:03

The people that don't clap.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

The people that don't clap. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Pay attention to them.

Comparison Distorts The Scoreboard

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Pay attention to the ones that don't clap because those are the ones that are louder than the ones that do clap if you're listening. And then we can go on to a whole nother talk about the man in the arena, and those that aren't clapping are typically not the ones in the arena. They're usually on the outside. But we may be guilty about that from time to time when somebody else's relationship doesn't go well, or their job, successful job doesn't go well, or you know, their new diet doesn't go well that they went on and on about. Their new exercise routine at this new fancy place that they were going doesn't work out. Sometimes we'll go, oh, okay, I feel better about myself because they failed. So when we compare like that, comparison doesn't clarify success, it really distorts it. It kind of makes it kind of what's it supposed to look like? And so how do we how do we get trapped in that comparison model? And what happens is what's what's one of the big things we use as comparison now?

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Social media.

Why Definitions Of Success Differ

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Social media. That's a big one. And that's not what it what did we used to have comparisons to? We used to have to go buy a magazine to look at 17 to see all the cool things going on that we were missing out on, and then we'd look at it over and over and over all month long until the next one came out. Now we have instant comparison, like instant. If you're somewhere, you can Snapchat it and send it instantly, you can post it instantly, you can post a reel instantly, you can do all this stuff. So, you know, it creates a comparison, but it's really a it's not the same measuring stick. But we look at is because we start asking, wait, am I am I ahead or am I behind? What's going on? And the question we should be asking, and we're gonna talk about that when we define success, but the question we should really be asking is am I aligned with what I actually want? And because sometimes, you know, somebody might look at something we're doing and go, that's a failure. But maybe we we're prioritizing family, or maybe we're choosing peace over the pressure, maybe we think money is the thing and and they're only working 40 hours a week. I mean, wow, they must not want to be successful, but maybe our views of that success is different. So, what sometimes if what we're calling is a failure or somebody else is calling a failure is actually success in our definition, and it's not really a failure. So, why do our definitions differ? One of the big ones is we all come from different backgrounds. We all have different ways we were raised, we have different parents, we have different socioeconomics, different values, different beliefs. All those things go to our background. Again, we all have different beliefs that that changes why our definitions are different. We all want different things out of life. You know, I can probably ask each one of you what you want out of life, and you're probably each gonna have a slightly different answer about what you want. And hopefully, if I were to ask right now, you would know what you want out of life. That would be the hope. If not, then that's some opportunity for reflection of what you want out of life, and we each have a different perspective, you know, even in the same family. So I have two brothers and a sister. We're all raised in the same house, same parents, but I bet we each have a different perspective of our childhood. We both we each have a different perspective of our parents. I think we both, even now as adults, we have different perspective of our parents. So sometimes that's why our definition differs because one person's success might be equal building a business or having lots of money, or one is just want to be home more, one is maybe just a peace of mind. I was listening to an interview today with Jordan Belfort. Belfour? Does anybody know who that is?

SPEAKER_01 10:02

That sounds familiar.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Has anybody seen the movie Wolf of Wall Street?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yes.

The Cost Of Not Defining It

SPEAKER_00 10:10

So he would be the what the Wolf of Raw Street was about. And very fascinating guy, very interesting, like super smart. Like I was watching today and I was thinking, man, that guy is so smart. Like I have to, everything that I work on, it seems like work, it takes a lot of effort. Like the things he was talking about just came off and no big deal. He said, and he was talking about success. He said, for me, he said, I want money to do the things I want to do, to enjoy the things I want to enjoy, give to the things I want to give. He said, and he was talking about being happy. And he said, I've never been poor and happy. Again, that's his definition of success. I bet if you were to talk to some missionaries over in other countries that are living in a hut with a dirt floor, I bet they're pretty happy and they don't have much money. So again, it's difference of what do you want, what you consider successful. So it's very interesting. And so we think about defining success for our life. And so, what's the danger of not defining it? So, if when I asked you earlier, what do you want out of life? And if you can't answer that pretty quick, that's danger, danger, Will Robinson. That is some trouble. Because if you don't really know what you want out of life, how can you get what you want out of life? You kind of just meander through the desert for 40 years, going around a circle over and over when it could have taken you two weeks to get there. Though those 40 years were a lot different, but we don't want that. I mean, I was so why'd I go to college to be a teacher? Because I told my dad, I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I still didn't know till I was you know in my early 30s. I had no clue. I have, I mean, probably in even to my early 40s, I didn't really have a solid idea. I have a much better idea now. So if so, what if we don't define it? If we don't define what success looks like for us, then the world around us will tell us the people around us, our family around us, social media around us, any kind of friends, any kind of employers, employees, our church, all those things will tell us what success is for us. Because a lot of times the world's definition of success, a worldly definition, would be more money, more status, more recognition. The more I'm seen, the more money I have, the more successful I am. What when when you're introduced to somebody, and this might be more of a guy thing, I don't really know. So you'll have to have to help me with it. When you're introduced to somebody, how often do you ask them, hey, what do you do? Where do you work? I don't. Is that is that just kind of a guy thing? Maybe I don't do it. It might be. But so why would why would that be done, even if it's guys and it's not not the ladies? Why would to judge your success? Yeah, exactly. You know, what status do you have?

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Like are you gonna say I'm a doctor or am I janitor? Yes, so then they can decide if how friendly they are.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Exactly. That's exactly right. That because that's typically how we're judging success. I just watched a thing on the news the other day. This this lady had the same hospital she was a janitor at, she was now a doctor at. But that's exactly right. Are are we are you are you just a janitor or are you a doctor? Are you a lawyer? Sounds way fancier. Sounds like, oh, they must have money, status, and recognition, because oh, they must be important. Because probably when I tell people, and I don't tell people this very often because they don't really ask, and I probably don't even tell them, but to say a personal trainer, that's like, yeah, you know, okay. I mean, for a lot of years, when people ask what I did when I first started training, and I told them, they go, so well, what's your real job? Like, what do you do for a living? Well, that's kind of what I do for a living. So again, based on people's definition of success, that could be they could judge that a little bit. But again, we have to look, you know, if though that's what the worldly view of success is. But if if that's what you want, great. But is it what you want? And we have to ask, if that's what I want, what cost is it? And if that if I'm going for a worldly definition of success, am I losing what I want out of life? Am I losing what is successful to me? Because if you're successful in a worldly view and that's not your view, you're gonna be a very unhappy person. Because if you have no money, you think money will solve all your problems, it'll make you completely happy. But guess what? Even with money, there's other issues that make you very unhappy. Money does not solve issues, does not solve, does not create happiness. Does it create more opportunities? Definitely. Does it create happiness? No. Because rich or poorer, you'll have many more opportunities rich than you will poor. When you got money, you can go, now which loaf of bread do I want? Um, when you're poor, you go, hmm, I'll take that cheapest bread I can find. Early on, when I was married, there uh a mouse got into our loaf of bread.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

You were not married to me.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

I was not. That was early on. We were it was probably when we were 19 or 20. There's a hole in our bread. The bread was about a quarter of a gone. So just inspected it. Looks good, kept on eating it. So because you don't have a lot of choices to eat the eat the bread or go without. The mouse didn't look like it nibbled on any of it, so it's probably good. There's no bird, no poop in it, so we were good to go with it.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Should have gone without.

Success In Every Area Of Life

Goals Fade So Keep Growing

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Should have gone without. So you know now you know why now I'll pretty much eat anything. I mean, I'll eat uh me and the mouse, we we shared the same, we broke bread together. So what when we look at success, success in our life is really up to us. We get to decide what matters, what doesn't, what you're chasing, what you're letting go. And this goes with with when you're looking at success. Is it success in your job? Is it success in your relationship? Is it success in friendships? Is it success in family? Where is the the success? So you start thinking about what actually matters to me? What am I chasing that I don't want? Because sometimes the world will tell us, chase this because it's the right thing to do. And then another question is where am I measuring my life against someone else's? Are you measuring it against somebody else's? And why are you doing that? I think we're all guilty of that from time to time. Depending on how quickly we catch it, we can we can it might be momentarily or it might go a while. It might do something that might even spiral us a little bit. So it can it can happen. So the challenge is, you know, we have to stop chasing someone else's version of success. We have to stop measuring using different rulers, different yardsticks. But the thing is, what is success for you? So, in your relationship, in your marriage, what does a successful marriage look like? Not based on anybody else's, but to you. What does it look like? What does being your definition of a successful mom look like? Not measuring on the other mom on social media that takes her kids everywhere, always has them clean, always has them dressed to the hill. Maybe your success is I got them fed and I got them to wherever they needed to go. That's a win. They might not be matching, they might not be the cleanest, but they got there. We're winning today. What does your success look like as a daughter? When you you when you're act with your parents, how does that look? How do you want to show up? How do what does success look like as being an employee? You know, for me early on, when I started working at Boeing, I was working, it was on assembly line, and I realized, and the guy next to me said, Hey, you need to slow down, don't do so much. I was like, I'm just working. And over time, I realized, wait a minute, we get paid the same. And if we get when we get raises six months, regardless of how much we did or didn't do, we still get a raise. So I began to go, whoa, I'm slowing way down because why should I do all that work if I'm if we're getting paid the same and I'm not gonna get paid more when it's time for a raise? So I slowed down. Now it'd be different. Now I'd be like, but that's the right thing to do, is what am I capable of doing? And that's what I'm gonna do. For me, that's is what success would look like. So what does that look like? What does it look like in your physical life? What does it look like in your mental life? What does it look like in your spiritual life? Not not, you know, we may know people that sit down for two hours a day and read their Bible, and we go, oh my gosh, they know it frontwards and backwards, and they are so holy and so good. And but maybe success is I feel really good. If I can get a few verses read and understand them, I might spend 10-15 minutes and I really got them, and I feel really good about that. And and so that's successful. And and is what we find is that we start to grow as our success, as we we meet the what we view as successful. How do you feel when you feel successful? Accomplished, accomplished, uh, and and and whether you know it or not, you start talking different, you start acting different, you start showing up different, maybe there's confident, you start doing different things when you are successful. So it doesn't mean set the bar low, but it means what do you want to get out of life? What do you want to get out of uh what you're to be successful in those different areas? What does that look like? If you go, man, I am successful, not just today, but you know, overall in that area, what would that look like? And when you do that, everything else that everybody else is doing starts to go away, it starts to not matter because maybe they're going on tons of vacation, you go, man, they're so successful. I never see them working. But maybe successful is to you is is giving back to your parents and being able to be around and take care of them because they wiped your butt and took care of you for all those years, and it's time that you feel to take care of them, to do for them. Part of me for being A successful, if I feel successful as a son, anytime my parents need anything, I'm gonna be there. No matter what, I'm always gonna say yes. Because to me, I feel like that is being a success as a son to be available because they were available to me all those years, all those times. They never said, We're too busy, I can't come, I got other things. Now, sometimes my dad will say, you know, I got other things going on, don't come. So I don't, but but that's not on me. I say, okay, but just as I asked you, is what do you want for your life? And you should be answering it pretty quickly. If not, that's something you should work on, seriously. If I ask, what do you what does success look like like in your life overall, and then what does success look like in your different areas? And and that doesn't have to be a center thing for me. Like, what does a successful mindset look like for me? It means that I need to be ever growing and ever changing. So I need to always be open to new ideas, to new thoughts, to new people, to new ideas, and always be willing to challenge my current way of thinking to think, how does that match up? Is that different? Is that a good point? Is that something I can apply to my life? Could that make me better? Could that improve me? So to me, that's what success looks like. Doesn't mean that I've hit a this is it. I've hit the I know it all. But success looks like can I be ever growing and ever changing in my thought process? What does a you know a physical success look like? For me, it's can I always be trying to step it up and do it a little bit more, be a little bit better, not do what everybody else does. But for me, what is better? Can I always be improving? Can I say what's the next thing? What's the next goal I want to have? Always be changing. That's what success looks like. So that's kind of the challenge for each of you is to define that. Again, it's not a once you hit this goal, that's success. Because if you've ever had a goal and you hit it, the joy of hitting it only lasts temporarily. And then you're like, well, crap, what now? Because think of the goal weight you hit. After you hit the goal weight, how long before you were at that goal weight and then started criticizing that weight? Next week. Next week. It doesn't take long. So there always has to be something else physically. It may not be a weight, may I want to be stronger. I want to be able to jump higher. I may be able to do two pull-ups. I may be able to want to do eight pull-ups. What's it look like to be that? So that is the challenge. Any thoughts, comments, or questions about defining success for your life? And I really can't emphasize enough that that really has to be something that you do define and you know. Same thing as what do you want out of life? And it's okay if other people don't agree with it. It's about what you want. And are you always working towards that? Are you always making the decisions? I find myself sometimes squirreling off, so I go this way, that way. And right now there's three areas that I want to focus on in my life. And so a lot, so I'm trying, if those, if things don't fall in one of those three categories, it's a no. It's I'm not gonna do it. Because I want to grow in those different areas. I want to, that's what those areas to be successful, to be better in those areas is what it looks like to me. So it really makes life a little bit simpler. When it doesn't fit in one of those three categories, it's a no. I'm out. Because I I can save time and energy for those things. And it's also about boundaries and all sorts of things, but it's very helpful. Any any thoughts, questions, or comments, which I've already asked, but I'll ask again. All right. Everybody have a great evening. I'll see everybody later this evening or tomorrow. Thank y'all. Thank you.