Listen in to another Anonymous 1:1 session, this time with an agency owner who finds themselves conflicted between desires - they identify as a leader and feel most fulfilled when showing up as a leader, but they don't have a team and are afraid of building one because of beliefs that it would require sacrifice. They also find themselves frustrated and unfulfilled with their relationship.
If this episode resonated - discover how to work with me and cultivate what you desire into reality: https://theflowprotocols.com/info
Listen in to another Anonymous 1:1 session, this time with an agency owner who finds themselves conflicted between desires - they identify as a leader and feel most fulfilled when showing up as a leader, but they don't have a team and are afraid of building one because of beliefs that it would require sacrifice. They also find themselves frustrated and unfulfilled with their relationship.
If this episode resonated - discover how to work with me and cultivate what you desire into reality: https://theflowprotocols.com/info
Welcome to another episode of The Flow Protocols. My name is Cat Howell, and I'm going to be your host on today's journey. On today's episode, we're going to be listening in to another anonymous one-on-one session, this time with a visionary who not only finds herself frustrated and unfulfilled in her partnership, her relationship, but also unfulfilled in her business.
She identifies herself as a leader, somebody who wants to create impact and lead a team. But she's solo in her business and has been spinning her wheels in this position for many years now. She feels like it's unobtainable, and as if she has to sacrifice many more years in order to get to what she desires. Perhaps this resonates with you. If it does, listen in to my response, and I hope you enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2:
There's two things. One is I feel like I'm getting into this sort of phase of learning to be more patient. And that's, I guess, a lifelong practice. But just trying to be more patient. I think I'm getting better about it, but there are definitely certain ways that I see it still torturing me. And the other thing is I've been doing a lot of ...
I've been with my partner for five years, but they have been five of the most tumultuous years for both of us. And I kind of am not sure ... I just don't know if this is ... I'm trying to suss out if this is really the relationship for me, or if I'm at this point just staying because it's comfortable. Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. Okay. You're wanting to instill more patience or enjoy the journey more, and you're not sure how to do that. And you're also confused around your partnership, and if you should stay or walk away.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
What makes you feel like you're impatient? How does that manifest itself?
Speaker 2:
It manifests in big and little ways. So little ways would be like road rage. Bigger ways would be I think that was a lot of why I was in a real funk last month. I mean, I've come out of it, but I just still ... It's like I want to see the changes happening in my life and it just seems to be dragging on.
Cat Howell:
What are the changes that you want to see?
Speaker 2:
Well, and you know my intention is fulfillment, so wanting to move on to something that is more fulfilling and not just kind of ... I feel like I've been on the hamster wheel for a long time now. If I'm very focused on one thing, I get to feeling that way.
But I could also step back and see, "Well, I've grown a lot in all that time too, even if my work situation hasn't necessarily changed a whole lot." And honestly, the work situation hasn't changed, and a lot of that's my fault. Yeah. And I do feel that I am holding myself back for whatever reason it is.
Cat Howell:
So holding yourself back from fulfillment, or is there a specific thing that you know you want to do or where you want to be?
Speaker 2:
Well, there's definitely a conflict in my desires. I love having the total freedom of my time, but I also have this idea ... And it may never come to fruition, but regardless of whether it does, I still also have this desire. I loved leading a company of people and having that team. And that's where you don't have as much freedom because now you have all this other responsibility. And so I feel like I've had this sort of conflict in my desires where I'm kind of at a stalemate. You know what I mean?
Cat Howell:
Yeah. You desire a team, and the energy of bouncing off, and leadership and all of that, but you also want to have your time and freedom. And there's a clash in your head that these two things cannot coexist.
Speaker 2:
Right. My mind says, "You might get that back in a few years, but you're going to have to tough it out for a few years at least to get where ..." You know what I mean?
Cat Howell:
Yeah, which is literally what you're playing out now, right? You're toughing it out, the sacrifice, the martyr journey. What makes you think that you cannot have the team or a leader and have time?
Speaker 2:
I believe that I can add up once I get to the point where my team is self-sufficient.
Cat Howell:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Whenever that might be. You know what I mean?
Cat Howell:
Do you have a team now?
Speaker 2:
No, not right now. Yeah. I haven't really even moved in the direction of-
Cat Howell:
Do you have time now?
Speaker 2:
... Tons of time. All the time.
Cat Howell:
You have a lot of time, but you don't have the team. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
I don't have the team. Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Okay. And so there's this condition essentially, "When my team is set up, then I can have the time."
Speaker 2:
Then I get my time back. Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Are you trying to build a team now or where are you going in the direction of that? Not at all.
Speaker 2:
No. Like I mentioned, I was doing a product launch, or testing, like a test launch. That would definitely be heading in the direction of this other business. And it would be a brick and mortar business. It's like serving people face-to-face type of business.
Cat Howell:
I can relate with that, because I think after so many years of being in service space, business and digital marketing, it's almost like you crave something tangible or physical, right? Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Cat Howell:
For sure, it makes a lot of sense why you're feeling frustration, and a spinning of the wheels, and unfulfillment and impatience, because there's a desire to have something and something else. But there's also a very big belief happening around how maybe it can't happen right away, or it's going to take some time or sacrifice, and you just want to get to the dot and cut to the chase. And you're pissed off that you have to go through this thing to get there.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Cat Howell:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. [inaudible 00:08:39]
Cat Howell:
And even maybe a belief that they can't even coexist for a really long time or without a lot of sacrifice. Yeah. Why do you want a team? Why?
Speaker 2:
It's been built into me since I was a little kid. Leadership is just something I gravitate towards, and I really enjoyed leading a team. That's what I did at one time. I had the physical business and led a team towards a lot of success, and I felt a lot of fulfillment in that.
Anytime we talk about fulfillment and you're telling us, "Get into that feeling space," I think back to when I wanted to send an email at 11:30 at night, or when the alarm went off at 7:00 o'clock in the morning and I was like, "Ooh," jumping out of bed.
Now it's like I'm like, "Oh, God." You know what I mean? Every day. Yeah. I mean, I loved the whole thing. And I really loved leading and empowering people, and having that common goal, and being successful together. That was definitely something that really lit me up.
Cat Howell:
That's beautiful by the way. Obviously there's a lot of fulfillment that comes when you're leading people and empowering them. What else does that give you? What else does empowering people, and leading them, and managing or compelling people towards a vision do for you?
Speaker 2:
Well, I at least entertain the idea that, that's a big part of my purpose. It seems to come naturally to me. I hear from people that I've worked with over the years. And I do mean coworkers or people who have worked for me, who just always have such great things to say. And I do, going along with this product launch, I do intend to ...
Because I've never really served people in a consulting or doing what you're doing, advising people, consulting people, coaching people. I've never really gotten into that in a way that I've enjoyed so far.
Maybe I will find that same sort of fulfillment by doing that kind of work. I just don't know yet. But I mean that, yeah, definitely teaching people and bringing them up just gives me that sort sense of fulfillment. And so that's kind of where my mind has been headed when I think of fulfillment.
Cat Howell:
Yeah, that's really nice. It's almost a validation of yourself in many ways, because you're talking about how it's a damning purpose-led, intrinsic part of yourself to be in a room and group of people, and to naturally gravitate towards leading and shepherding people. There's deep fulfillment that comes from that. It makes you feel heard, I'm sure. It makes you feel like, "Yeah, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing."
Speaker 2:
Yeah. Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Right now, you're literally not in that at all. And yeah, for sure you're going to experience deep reds with that. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I mean, it's been probably five years of just not really having much of that in my life. But I do some look at my journey and go, "Well, I can see where I needed to learn certain things." And not that I feel like I need to suffer or go through things, I just the way I handled it at the time, I learned my lessons in my own way. You know what I mean?
Cat Howell:
Yeah. Yeah. Something happened with the company, whatever reason you're no longer in this position. You used to have a team. It used to fill up your cup. It used to make you feel fulfilled. It used to check all the boxes. And then this company was no more, or you moved on, or whatever, and now it's like, "Fuck! I'm totally out of flow and sync in my own life and I don't feel fulfilled anymore." Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
But I know, you know, because you and I have been doing some work together, that there is never any requirement of any external circumstances, or structures, or experience for us to place that sensations within ourselves and for us to give ourselves what we desire, right?
Speaker 2:
Right.
Cat Howell:
And maybe this is why you're going through this, and you've been thrown off for the last five years, is because, for example, if somebody is dating an individual or they're dating, because dating that person makes them feel worthy and it makes them feel validated, and it makes them feel deserving, what happens the moment that person gets hit by a bus, or dies, or gets tired of them, or walks away? Which all of the above can happen?
This individual who placed entire space of validation, and self-worth, and deservedness suddenly finds themselves at ground zero. And they have the option to go and find somebody else that can do that for them and replace that. But if this was a girlfriend saying that to you, going like, "I don't feel worthy or deserving, or I deserve to be here until a man loves me or a woman loves me," what would be your advice to her?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that you're already worthy and it doesn't matter.
Cat Howell:
Yeah, you would probably intrinsically, intuitively understand that even if she found somebody else, she's probably going to fall right back into the same chaos. Because the invitation is always for us to reduce conditions around our connection to this source of wellbeing, to these states that we are innately capable of giving ourselves regardless of external circumstances or conditions.
And that the moment we need somebody else, or a team, or a business to look and behave a certain way in order for us to show up and feel validated, or feel purposeful, or feel fulfilled, 100% we're going to start inviting chaos. Because we're going to invite ourselves to transcend that, to remember ourselves, to go, "Hey, you've got conditions around your ability to give yourself what you really want."
You're waiting for your business to behave a certain way so that you can hire more people, and so that you can sacrifice yourself so that ultimately you can have this freedom. But conditions never, ever fucking work. They just don't work. And that's why you're spinning your wheels. That's why you can't get what you want.
Because until you give yourself this, and you recognize there's no conditions around fulfillment and leadership and showing up as a leader, you already are a leader. You don't need a team to validate that. You don't need nobody to do that. Until you do that, you will continue to spin your wheels for sure. Or you might end up growing the team, but then you'll find the same things. You'll get thrown off, right?
It won't be sustainable. It won't last, because you're always inviting yourself to give yourself, to gift yourself what it is that you ultimately desire. For you, the thing that you get from having a team in front of you is like this shoulders back, like, "People look up to me. I'm important. I mean something here. I create change. I'm a catalyst. I empower people."
But up until your whole life, you've needed to have that person there or those people there in order for you to feel this sensation. But is that not already you? You just said that's literally who you are, a leader.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's fair. Yeah.
Cat Howell:
You're already intrinsically this [inaudible 00:18:36] tied to this purpose of yourself, of showing up and guiding, and shepherding people and empowering them. But because your reality is not reflecting a team back to you, you're going, "I'm not that. I can't have that. And I need to sacrifice, or do this, and have this, and put these things in place before I can do that."
But your reality is only going to reflect you, right? When you're feeling disconnected from this version of your self and you're feeling unfulfilled, what does reality mirror back?
Speaker 2:
More unfulfillment.
Cat Howell:
Yeah, which is what you've been experiencing, right? More spinning wheels, more like, "Fuck, why did it come so easy?" and now it's like, "What the hell? I know how to do this. Why is this so hard? Why am I spinning my wheels? What the hell is going on?" And the more you allow that to happen, the worse your confidence gets. Right? And the more you start to chastise yourself in a way, like, "You're a failure. You're doing something wrong," or, "You're broken," even.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Cat Howell:
But you're really inviting yourself through the chaos in your business, how it's not doing what you want it to do. You're really inviting yourself to go, "Hey, you need to reflect or find the resonance of that space, that space within yourself that is the leader. You need to show up every fucking day of your life like you're the leader." Even if you have dolls lined up around a coffee table, and that's your fucking team for the day, you need to rock that. And then-
Speaker 2:
I think my family thinks I'm crazy enough.
Cat Howell:
... Oh, you already do that? Oh, no, you mean-
Speaker 2:
No. If I start to line up some dolls, they'll be like, "Oh God."
Cat Howell:
... Yeah. Well, guess what, everybody thought all the greatest inventors in history were fucking crazy until everyone was using light bulbs, everyone was using internet, everyone ... You know what I mean? Every visionary is insane from the outside looking in, because you're literally crafting something from the unknown, which means it's like you're on the leading edge.
So yeah, it looks mad for people on the outside looking in. But you can't do it any other way. It doesn't work any other way. The person that invented, for example, the telephone, he couldn't wait for reality to go like, "Here, I validate you." In fact, I read somewhere, his lab burned down like a thousand times, something ridiculous. At what stage do you give up? At what stage do you go, "Yeah, we're calling this a day. This is not fucking working."
Or he had a thousand attempts, and one of those times everything burned down as well. Yeah, a thousand burnings would be really bad luck. A thousand attempts. And what stage do you give up? But he validated that idea. He validated that vision even though for a thousand fucking times reality didn't do it. And then lo and behold, he changes humanity through and through completely, and he goes down in history books.
But yeah, he looked crazy, and it looked crazy from the outside looking in. And it still sounds crazy when you talk about you're like, "Wow, I would definitely not last even 10 tries." [inaudible 00:22:44] It's not to say that it's going to take you, I'm not trying to plant this idea that it's going to take you a long time or anything like that. But where I'm getting at with this is that you must be the one who shows up fulfilled as a leader in control, or shepherding who holds that space within yourself when you wake up.
And then what you'll find is suddenly the business provides opportunities, collaboration, solutions, resources to validate that. But it's never going to happen the other way around. And I think you kind of realize that now after five years, right? Just, it's like, "You can keep pushing, and you can literally keep pushing for your whole life doing this."
And it won't happen the other way around because reality is just really mirroring you. It's just effectively a reflection of you. You're the one who literally tunes into what you want, but it's not possible to call to yourself. A team, the dream team where you're in your prime and delivering that when you're totally not that right now, and you have conditions on yourself to get there. Can you see that?
Speaker 2:
Oh, yeah.
Cat Howell:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. Using the imagination, like I was saying, even pretending your dolls or your team, and you have staff meetings with them or something, whatever, it sounds dumb, but it works. Also, you don't need a team to be a leader. Or here's another idea, there's a lot of different types of teams that can instill that sensation within you, for example, sporting teams, or whatever, chess teams, or kids teams, or I don't know.
There's a lot of different dynamics, social group dynamics that you can place yourself in or show up in that allows you to be a leader, that allows you to feel into that space. What are some activities that you're doing presently in your life that validate sensations of leadership?
Speaker 2:
Well, really, I would say a lot of it is mainly content creation. And that of course is its own beast. But I've been on TikTok a lot. And so I've been working on that content creation and putting it out there. And it's funny because I know you lurk, and I find that a lot of people around me also lurk, but then I talk to them and they're like, "Oh, I really like your videos."
And I see people saving them, but not necessarily liking anything else, which is fine. But that's been my one sort of outlet to kind of just speak on things that I feel are important. And to just put it out there imperfectly, but just getting it out there. I mean, I'm a leader for my son, my family, but-
Cat Howell:
They don't listen to you.
Speaker 2:
... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cat Howell:
They're not compliant employees, are they?
Speaker 2:
Right. No. No. Definitely not.
Cat Howell:
When you do TikTok, is it a similar sensation for you, you're saying?
Speaker 2:
Yeah. If it helps somebody, yes. It's [inaudible 00:27:03]
Cat Howell:
But it sounds like it's still very much conditions around like, "When people don't like it though, I don't feel good about it. I need people to hit that like button in order for me to be like, 'Yes, I love this.'"
Speaker 2:
Well, that's more so the marketer in me. I need to reach more. I need to get more.
Cat Howell:
Why do you need to reach more and get more? What is at the end of that rainbow there, of reaching more and getting more?
Speaker 2:
Well, mainly because I want to use it as part of a pipeline for another business.
Cat Howell:
But your creative core doesn't care about pipelines, it doesn't care about business, it doesn't care even about teams. What does the pipeline of the business give you?
Speaker 2:
I mean, I guess what I'm hoping is fulfillment, that's what I'm hoping it's going to lead me to.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. You've created so many stepping stones around yourself for this thing that you're already innately capable of giving yourself right here, right now. It's like you've created a mind feel around yourself. You're like, "This is going to give me a pipeline for fulfillment, but people better like it so that I can have the pipeline and grow it and it can go viral."
And then when I build my team and I sacrifice and I can do all these things, it's no fucking wonder you're really not aligned right now and feeling frustrated. Because you literally are saying to yourself, "What I want ..." And you've said this again and again.
You've used the word fulfillment maybe five or six times now. For sure that is your creative core, like 100% trying to tell you, "That's the fucking compass. That's the pot of gold." For now. It might change later. It might change even tomorrow. But for now, it's very clear that, that's coming through for you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Fulfillment. I want fulfillment. And what you're not realizing is like, "Ah! I can actually tune into a sensation of fulfillment right now regardless of who's my posts, or if I have another pipeline, or if I have a team, or if I have all of these things." And it is only when we teach ourselves that, first and foremost, how to really find that resonance of fulfillment within ourselves. What is that feeling we're chasing? What does fulfillment feel like?
And you have muscle memory, because you've just said to me you remember the golden days when you would wake up. You have something that a lot of people don't even have. A lot of people have never even experienced fulfillment in this capacity. You have muscle memory of knowing what that sensation was like in your body. But the problem was, and the reason you're where you're at now is that before it was conditional on your team.
And so you brought yourself to this space and time because you knew you're not going to get to the next level of expansion. You're not going to be able to receive what you really want until you figure out how to make that unconditional. You see? Because when you had your team, and you were in flow, and you were growing, you started to get new ideas and awareness of new things that you wanted.
"I want a bigger business," or, "I want even more time," or, "I want all of these things," and your perceptions expanded, and what you desired for yourself grew. And innately within yourself you realized, ah, she will never be able to receive those things until she breaks this condition.
Let's break that business. Let's bring her to this place in time where she has to look at herself in the mirror and really tune into that so that she can have and fulfill all these new expansions and desires that you seek. What does fulfillment feel like in the body?
Speaker 2:
I don't know. Warm. It's like warm and fuzzy.
Cat Howell:
It's very much like a present moment, right? Everything as it is, is just right. A fullness like you've just had a big bowl of spaghetti, an expansion of the heart. Also a giddiness. You're saying you're excited to get out of bed. And you wanted to write these things. You wanted to do these things. You wanted to stay up late to do these things as well.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
And do you do anything during the day to help you place that sensation within yourself and teach yourself this thing?
Speaker 2:
Not so much. Because you had a focus sprint that was-
Cat Howell:
Fulfillment.
Speaker 2:
... centered around fulfillment. Yeah, and I enjoyed that. I've done that quite few times. But I would say throughout the day-
Cat Howell:
And that was about a month ago you started doing that, yeah? And isn't it interesting, you said at the beginning of the call it hasn't been as bad this past month, but you're still not ... See?
Speaker 2:
... Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Even just like a two-minute sprint that you did a few times started to really shift things, maybe not even in your reality yet, but certainly in the way you're perceiving or showing up in your reality.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, for sure.
Cat Howell:
And obviously we've done some intention setting work, and work around nurses and all of that in the COVID, right?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
And you've-
Speaker 2:
I've done all that. Flow activities. I get into the flow stuff. That all helps.
Cat Howell:
... But what you're really telling yourself is like, yeah, flow, obviously play, love all of that, amazing. Yeah, 100% continue to do that, because those are all high alchemy states and you can never go wrong with that. They're always going to benefit you. But what you're clearly communicating to yourself is you want fulfillment.
And right now being a leader of a team is what makes me fulfilled. And I can't have that because I don't have that right now. I can't have the thing that I really, really want. But you have to be intentional now about teaching that space, that sensation of fulfillment and even leadership. What are some ways that you could show up as a leader in your life without a team?
Speaker 2:
Well, there's kind of some opportunities floating out there for ... I've mentioned before that I lead meditation. That's really well received. I've thought about doing more of that. There have been larger groups in my area that would like me to come lead meditation for them, so that's cool.
Cat Howell:
Yeah, literally. It's like you could even just do a meet up or something, or something on event break, and like, "Hey, I'm going to post this evening, and come." You know?
Speaker 2:
Yeah. That's how I started my meditation group was through meet up.
Cat Howell:
Was it?
Speaker 2:
Mm-hmm.
Cat Howell:
It's like you're kind of compelling yourself to this space without you even realizing you've been kind of doing it in a way. But because you're still focused on like, "I don't have the team," there's this gap, there's this black, there's this scarcity, there's this perceived gap, right, and that's causing the red.
And you're not seeing like, "Oh, I'm already leading meditation groups. I'm leading my family. I'm leading myself. I'm leading people around me that come in contact with me." There's different ways I can be that, I can show up.
And the moment you start to intentionally start to recognize and shift your focus to how it already is happening instead of it's not, because I don't have a team, then you'll ironically start to find the team will start to materialize the less you notice it's not there, right?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. Even leading your spirit guides, just have staff meetings with yourself and be like, "This is what I'm asking." Literally have staff meetings every day where you're like, "Okay, I want you to find a really cool opportunity with me. Go. That's your deadline. You got two weeks. And here's your task," and lead them. And become more cognizant and aware and perceptive of how you're already a fucking leader. It's already happening. It's you. It's you.
And clearly fulfillment is a big thing you're telling yourself. It's coming out a lot of your mouth. That's a sensation you got to teach to yourself. What does it feel like? It feels like a fullness. It feels like a present moment, an acceptance of the present moment. It feels like an excitement of flow maybe. Okay. Let's spend five minutes every day intentionally placing that sensation within our body. That's all it takes. It doesn't take long.
And you're going to see just how things have gotten a little bit easier in the last month, things will start to just shift and change and you'll connect ideas. The solution, this project that you're launching suddenly resources will come, the people, the right players. And you will deliver to yourself exactly what it is that you want.
But it can't be done when it's from a space of noticing the perceived gap of what isn't. Because the resonance of that is red, it's not green. It's not fulfillment. It's unfulfillment. It's the opposite. And your resonance is what you cultivate. Period. It's your antenna. It's your wand. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
It's funny you mentioned that, because when we talked about you 2.0 yesterday, I was saying I want to incorporate more structure. That would be me 2.0, because right now I have so much freedom of my time. I'm sitting here thinking like, "Me 2.0 in my structure, I can start having staff meetings with my [inaudible 00:38:59]"
Cat Howell:
I love it. Yeah. It's fucking great. Yeah, literally put it in slack with yourself, and all your spirit guides and go, "Okay, guys. We got a meeting coming up."
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah.
Cat Howell:
Why are you sick, Bob? Why didn't you show up for this one? And it sounds ludicrous, but this is literally how you're going to print it into your reality. But you have to match that resonance. You got to use your imagination. You got to use the tools that you have at hand to put you in that resonance first, the fulfillment.
And then, oh my goodness, you're going to get goosebumps, because your imagination doesn't even come close to knowing what's in store for you. And that's literally what you're telling yourself is you hit this limit. You were vibing, you were a leader, you were fulfilled, but it was all conditional. And you were not able to receive a bigger level of expansion of what you desired until you figured this piece out.
Because to receive that while you still had conditions on your wellbeing would've been really bad for you. You wouldn't have been able to receive it, or you would've lost it or sabotaged it, or whatever number of ways. You took yourself down to your knees, and it's been five years that you've been trying to gently shake yourself of like, "Hey, let's break this condition. Let's make this unconditional, realize we don't need a team to find fulfillment, or to be a leader, or to show up as that."
And then you will receive what it was you were cultivating all along, and it's going to be 10 times better than what you could ever imagine. But you can't receive it until you remove this condition. That's what you're telling yourself. And you won't have to force anything, you won't even have to scratch your head going, "Where's my team going to come from? How is this ..." It's just like you're going to look back and go, "Holy shit. How did this happen so fast after five years of trying to do this?"
Speaker 2:
Actually, it just kind of struck me that ... I think that, that was essentially the thing that started all of this five ago, because I was leading the team and whatever, but it wasn't my company. And there became the sort of discrepancy in how the company was being run, and I didn't like the way that he was wanting to move forward with the company.
And so all of that was kind of going away and I was like, "Screw it. I'm going to go do it myself. I'm going to go start my own company where nobody can ever muck this up for me again. You know what I mean? But then when I set out, because it kind of was coming to a head and I was like, "It's time for me to go," so I left on my own accord.
But I had no plan, and so I've just for the last five years been like, "What am I doing?" And I kind just did marketing because that's what I was. That was my profession. And so it was easy to slide into that. But five years later I'm like, "This wasn't it." You know what I mean? So-
Cat Howell:
It was an awareness of a new desire and exactly that. It was not possible for you to receive that desire to call it. You weren't ready. You couldn't receive it until you unlock those conditions that you had existing over yourself. You think it's possible to run a really successful million dollar company and a big team if you need validation from other people. No, that's going to be a train wreck and a half [inaudible 00:43:27]
Speaker 2:
... Yeah, I know.
Cat Howell:
You've literally saved yourself from potentially something very, very traumatic and expensive. And the invitation is to go, "Hey. Girl, you can give yourself that. You can give yourself that right here, right now." And you do that and, ooh, you'll receive exactly what you want. This applies as well to the relationship that you're talking about, right, with your partner. What is it that you're not getting right now? Fulfillment.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. I mean-
Cat Howell:
You're waiting for him to behave, or act, or change, or be, or look, or say, or do, or something, and you're like, "Maybe I need a new partner." Now I'm not saying he's the right partner for you, or stay with him or leave, literally no one could tell you that except yourself. But I would caution against going down the train of thought of, "I'm just going to leave so that I can find somebody better." Because again, that's conditional, or, "So that I can be single and happy."
Speaker 2:
... Yeah, I was going to say [inaudible 00:44:56] single.
Cat Howell:
But this is what happened to me. When I left my marriage, I was like, I was really unfulfilled and I deeply just wanted to be single. I wanted my own time. But then what happened? I was single for six months and I was fucking lonely and miserable. I literally fantasized about being single for years.
I would look at my single friends and be jealous of them. I was like, "Oh, you're so good." And then I was single for six months and I was like, "Oh, this is not the grass that I thought would be greener on the other side." And it took me a while to unravel those conditions because it was the same thing for me.
My fulfillment, my space of wellbeing were conditional on how my partner behaved or act, or dah, dah, dah. I had to go through all the motions of loneliness, and feeling really disconnected, and unworthy and all of that so that I could realize, "Okay. Yeah. No, I'm just going to give that to myself now. We're going to go straight to the root of it."
And it was literally the moment that I felt, for the first time in my life, felt happy being single, the first time in my life that I met my partner, my current partner, and it's like a divine relationship. Fulfillment is a big word for you. Yeah, you'll probably find the moment you start to actively, intentionally ...
You have a lot of time. Most people, they come up with excuses and they're like, "I can't do this. I don't have time to meditate or place these sense ..." That cannot be your excuse. You've just said it. It's that time to burn. You have an advantage. You can accelerate this so fast for yourself the moment you become really intentional with fulfillment.
Yes, flow, play, all of that good, especially if they help you feel fulfillment. But that's really what you're after, is that word that you keep bringing up, fulfillment. And you become really intentional in teaching your nervous system what that feels like, or you have muscle memory to go back to. You'll probably find suddenly either one a few things.
Your partner doesn't bother you as much, and the relationship completely changes course, which happens all the time, where you totally see them in a different light. And their behaviors change as well. It's like magic, literally. Or it'll become very clear to you, "Yeah. No, this is not for me." But that's not going to be felt as a red light either, it's just going to be a disinterest or kind moving away, magnetic towards something else.
And it will be solved for you. It'll be very, very clear. It won't be this confused tension place where we're like, "Am I going to fuck up something really good? If I walk away, am I going to regret it?" Dah, dah, dah. You have kids involved, right? So there's that whole complexity to it that your mind is like, "My kids' lives, am I going to fuck them up? How's this going to work?"
And it's like there's huge red in that confusion and discord right now. It's not good to make a decision from that space because you're never locked into your creative core when you're in red. Before you make a decision about what to do with your relationship, which no one can tell you, stay or walk away or do this, literally not a single person can tell you that, only you can.
But the first step is for you to really lock into fulfillment, where you're fucking fulfilled when you wake up and you're like, "Yeah," and your little emotional chart is fulfilled. And you'll know. It will be very fucking clear then. There won't be this discord of like, "Ooh! Am I going to make a mistake?" It'll be very clear. It'll be very clear if you stay or if it's like, "Oh, it's fixed. I actually love this person. Amazing."
And this will prevent you from going into the same situation, because it's just conditions you have over your sense of fulfillment right now, and you can't receive what you really want. And what you've said that you really want is you want to lead a team in your own company. Yeah. It's just like, "Fucking great. Amazing." That's so cool.
You want to give that to yourself, but you cannot. I'm telling you, you cannot run a successful company and a team if you're not validating yourself first. I want to say Thomas Edison. Is that the guy who did the light bulbs?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. If Thomas Edison was waiting for everyone else to validate him, we'd have no fucking lights in our houses. Yeah?
Speaker 2:
Right.
Cat Howell:
It couldn't have happened. Literally this is the case with every single successful person, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, every single one of them. It is impossible to give yourself the business of your dreams and the team of your dreams if you are not doing this thing first.
And that's what you're trying to tell yourself is like, "I want to give this to you. It's yours, because you imagined it, you're aware of it. It's already done. It's already yours, but you cannot have conditions like this, because you can't receive it when it's like that." It will be a train wreck. It will be bankruptcy and something really painful for you.
You're saving yourself. You're serving yourself through this spinning of wheels and chaos in the moment, because you're holding yourself back from something you're not ready for right now. But you can flip that really fast, because you listen to the focus sprints maybe a few times.
Those are five, 10 minutes ago. You've already kind of felt a shift a little bit. Imagine if what you prioritized every day was these imaginary staff meetings where you're a leader, and feeling fulfilled, and teaching yourself that sensation, imagine how fast that's going to turn around.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. Well, I've seen it happen before, so I can imagine.
Cat Howell:
Well, yeah, it's for yourself, for others. This was my experience as well, years and years of depression, hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to cure myself. And then literally within weeks of me doing the same thing for me, it was self-worth and it was love. That was my big thing.
I felt really lonely, and I felt really unworthy and also unfulfilled. That was the big one. I also intentionally every day took myself into astral planes, virtual world in my head, just focused on that feeling. And it was weeks after years of trying to shed this thing.
And then you step into it, and your reality doesn't necessarily change in that timeframe, but suddenly you don't even care half as much. You're like, "I don't even need a team because I feel fucking great." And the biggest irony is that's when it happens, when you literally don't give a shit anymore. Yeah?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Cat Howell:
Resonating?
Speaker 2:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. And the relationship thing, so spot on though. Oh, God.
Cat Howell:
Yeah. Yeah, just write fulfillment on your mirror, somewhere every day, put it in your phone, a reminder, tune into it, even if you got to do it three times a day. It might feel difficult at first because it's always been conditional. You've never taught yourself that. But remember that's what you're inviting yourself to, so you can receive what you want.
It's like good, it's good, it's good. Keep tuning into it. And then you'll find it'll be easier for you to tune into it and find that sensation, and then it'll be easier to sustain it. It won't even be this thing where you have to sit with yourself and meditate. You're just going to start to slip into fulfillment throughout your day.
You're going to teach your nervous system what it feels like, and it's just going to circuit into it, just like it's circuited into unfulfillment, same thing. And it starts to compound, and compound, and compound. And then you're just a fucking fulfilled person. And maybe nothing's changed in your reality yet.
Maybe your husband's still annoying you and you still don't have the team, but you will have cracked unconditional while being unconditional fulfillment. And the moment that happens, reality has no clocking, it has no choice, but to come and play ball with you, because it's just a reflection of you. And you will then receive what you've been cultivating.
Thanks again for tuning into another episode of The Flow Protocols. If you'd like to access more podcast episodes, you can do so at Theflowprotocols.com. And you can also check me out inside of the free group, The Flow Protocols, where I share a lot more of these sessions, and also do some Q&As and free trainings in there. Thanks again for tuning in, and I'll check you on the next episode.