How Christen Stopped Bingeing After 25 Years (Client Confessional)

Ever felt like it just isn't in the cards for you to overcome the toxic cycles you're stuck in?

So did Christen.

She was sure that there was no way she'd be able to stop self-sabotaging.

But she joined Nourished & Free anyway because she knew that if she prioritize this now, she never would.

Because she took an empowering step for herself (not without some fear!), she is now BINGE FREE for the first time in 25 years.

Un.be.liev.able.

Except it actually is super believable when you hear how she did it in this episode.

Topics Covered 👇 

• Christen shares how she started binge eating at age 9 [2:40]
• Christen describes what it felt like to struggle with binge eating before getting help [7:25]
• The breaking point of Christen deciding to make a change [11:11]
• Christen describes what binge eating looks like for her [13:04]
• How Christen stopped her most recent binge eating episode [15:24]
• Christen describes the diets she’s tried in the past [18:43]
• How Nourished & Free™ compares to diets she's tried [23:47]
• What Christen would say to someone that’s struggling with their relationship with food [27:04]
• Christen’s binge eating journey [30:36]
• The change in Christen’s relationship with exercise and her body [36:13]
• Christen describes when she knew she was ready to change her life [40:01]

Transcript

Michelle: 0:00

Welcome back to the Nourished & Free Podcast. I am so grateful that I get to sit down with my client Kristen today. She is amazing, and I know that so many of you are going to resonate with her story. So please stick around to listen to this episode because she gets vulnerable and she gets deep about how it feels to struggle with binge eating. And I also want you to know that there's so much hope for you. And that's what she's here to show you is that there is hope for you, even if you feel like this is a struggle that you can't seem to conquer. Kristen is here to show you that there is hope. She has actually been binge-free for a month. And that is the first time that's ever happened in 25 years, which is absolute madness. I'm so proud of her and I can't wait for you to hear her story. Don't forget to subscribe to the show if you love it so that you never miss an episode. And let me know with a rating if you are loving this. All right, let's dig in. Oh, Kristen, it is so good to have you here. You are like one of those stories that are it's kind of mind-blowing. And that's like part of the reason I want to have you on. Also because you're just super cool. But I feel like your story is one of those where I'm just like, that is that is like stupid awesome. Like it's ridiculously awesome the progress that you've had.

Christen: 1:23

That's how I feel. I'm like, this isn't real life, is it?

Michelle: 1:27

But it is, which is the most amazing thing ever. So I wanted to, yeah, just like like give you a chance to share your story because I know that there's other people out there who with the topic of binge eating and body image and all of that, it's it's like really hard to talk about, you know? Yeah. And it feels shameful.

Christen: 1:46

It is really hard to talk about. Yeah.

Michelle: 1:48

Yeah. Like nobody wants to talk about that and and share that they're struggling with that. And so when somebody is brave like yourself to do that, I think it is so impactful for all those people that like don't feel comfortable to speak up, you know? Um because then they're like, oh, I'm not, I'm actually not alone. I have those struggles too, or I resonate with your story. That was impactful for me in my recovery, at least, was hearing other people's stories because I was the type of person that just shoved everything under the bed and pretended like my life was perfect. So I yeah, yeah, I really needed to like hear other people in order to be like, oh, that makes sense. That's actually what I'm going through too. So anyway, um, yeah, tell us your story. What was your life like before stumbling across me?

Christen: 2:44

I I've been doing this for so long. And like you said, a part of why I I am talking out about it, even on like my Instagram and and my blog and stuff, is because I didn't really have anybody as an influence to be like, this is what you're going through, and it's okay that you're going through that. And um like you shouldn't hate yourself because like society and other people have failed you. Uh and so basically right before this, I was like sort of doing noom, which is like every other diet, it's like we're different, and you can eat whatever you want. And it's like, no, you're not, you're you're not different, and I failed at this. Yeah. Um but really like I've been doing this since I I think around when I was like nine, 10 years old, and I couldn't tell you why until I started doing this program. Like I had no idea because with my waking and my binge eating, I like completely shut down when it comes to talking about it. Like, I don't, like you said, like I just want to like pretend it's not there and toss it under the rug and like avoid it at all costs. So I've been kind of avoiding it my whole life. Um and now I'm like, I need to share this because it's helping me heal and maybe it can help other people heal. Um so working with you has been really helpful because it's given me like you know, you you have these modules every week, and I was like, oh, this is so easy. Like I just watch a couple of videos and then I do some worksheets, and then I get into the worksheets and I'm like, Whew, this is work. This is like in a good way, you know, it's like totally the kind of therapy that I needed, you know. Yeah, and um it's like these very simple questions, but they're very difficult to answer when you've been like just crushing it down for so long, you know what I mean?

Michelle: 5:05

Yeah, it's oppressing, yeah, yeah.

Christen: 5:08

And so it's been really interesting because I've learned so much about myself and like how and why I navigate the my world the way that I do. Um, and I'm a writer, so I have not been writing about this, and I actually started writing about this when I started this program, just to sort of track like how I'm doing throughout the program. But then I'm like writing more and more, and now I've come to the root cause of why I do this, yeah, and like when I started it, and it's it's been cathartic and a little like depressing. There have been like some really rough moments where it's like, oh my God, you know, I'm a little bit more um messed up by this than I thought. Like, you know what I mean? I don't I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Michelle: 5:57

No, totally with this process, it's it's self-awareness, self-growth. And honestly, it's like peeling back layers of an onion, and the deeper you get, the more you cry. Yeah. Like it's brutal. It's brutal. And that's why before people join, I'm like, I try to make sure that they're aware this is not a quick fix thing because we are getting down into the roots of why you have these behaviors. That's why those behaviors persist, is because there's something deep down that we haven't figured out yet and that we need to work on. And it's not gonna be pretty.

Christen: 6:33

Yeah. I did not think that when I sign up for the this program, this is where I would be today, where I'm like having conversations with my brother about my childhood, and I'm like crying on the phone. Like, I get it now. I understand, you know, and now that I know I can I can make it better, you know. And that's just like the biggest gift anyone could ever give me. So thank you.

Michelle: 6:57

Oh, absolutely. It's such a joy to witness. And when did you even join? I mean, it's been I think it was early December. This is my last like module week. Okay, so you've got about five weeks left then because you get four buffer weeks. Okay, yeah. So you're three months in basically. Yeah. And it went really quickly. Yeah, it goes fast, it really does go fast. So, how would you describe like the place that you were in and how you felt about your binge eating and yourself? Like, what did that look like before you joined?

Christen: 7:32

It was pretty bleak. Um, to kind of understand, I was in a really dark place just in general for a while, um, because of like a really bad relationship that turned into a very bad breakup. And so I kind of like was not a human being for a while. So I was in a super dark place, and then like my binge eating got even worse, uh, which I didn't think was possible. And it's just this cycle of like you're miserable because of like circumstances in your life, and you binge eat, and then you hate yourself immediately after, even though you're doing it because you think it's gonna make you feel better or it makes you feel better for like 0.2 seconds, you know. Um, so I was in a pretty bad place. And that around the time that I messaged you the first time, uh, and and this is like a testament to like you kind of have to be ready to do it. I just was like not there. I was like a total zombie when I messaged you that first time and then fell off the face of the map. Um but yeah, I was binging a lot and I was healing and I've been like trying to get myself into a better place. I've been doing a lot of sort of small steps to get to like where I want to be. And this just kind of like fell into place where I saw another one of your posts and I was like, I think I need to do this, like it's time. Like I'm so so sick of just being sick and tired of myself. Like, I don't want to sit here and binge eat all night and hate myself for it, and I don't want to like shame myself for it anymore. Like, I just want to like live my life. I don't want food to control me. You know, I don't want to sit on the couch watching a movie, and all I can think is there's there's cookies, there's cookies in the cabinet. You should totally get those cookies, right? You know, like I everybody has that thought process in in it in this disorder, and it's terrifying and it's annoying, and it's like you just have to give in to it eventually, and then you hate yourself for it after. So yeah, I was definitely like in a cycle where I was binging every day, um, sometimes twice a day, and uh hate just hating myself for it. Yeah, and not wanting to leave the house, and you know, not wanting to buy new clothes because I didn't want to accept that this is where I'm at, you know, with my body.

Michelle: 10:11

Right, especially when you've tried all the other things, you know, like the noom and and whatever else that you're like surely at some point I'm going to click and I'm gonna lose the weight.

Christen: 10:20

And yeah, I know what I have to do, you know. Like I've been saying this for years. I know what I have to do because I've done it before. I've done the the diet that lost me 25 pounds in a month. When I say that out loud, it's like that is like the unhealthiest thing, probably, that I've ever done. Um, but it felt like the most successful for a while, you know.

Michelle: 10:41

Oh yeah. I mean, when you're measuring your worth based on your weight, then it's like the more weight you lose, the more um successful you are, and the more achieved uh the more that you've achieved. And it feels very affirming. And that can be a really scary part of doing this type of work for people is well, wait, we're not gonna be like focusing on losing weight because that's how I've measured my success for my whole life. And so if I'm not measuring success that way, then I I don't I don't know how what is yeah, what is success if that's not what it is? Yeah, totally, yeah.

Christen: 11:16

I also like I had that kind of like moment when I was like reading about the program right before I signed up, and I was like, wait, so like this isn't about losing weight. Like, what am I doing? No, I want to lose weight, and then like I read on and I was watching like a bunch of videos on on your um website of other clients, and I was like, wait, no, that's what I want. I want sustainability. Yeah, I want to feel happy with who I am and how I look right now, you know, instead of like constantly trying to be somebody I'm not. Right.

Michelle: 11:50

And I think that's what we want out of weight loss, right? Is we want to be happy and we want to feel good about ourselves and not hate the choices that we've made. And so a lot of times that's like the vehicle that we think we need to get into in order to feel that way. Right. But when it fails us over and over again, it's like maybe I shouldn't actually focus on that. If that's always the common denominator for these things that haven't worked for me sustainably.

Christen: 12:17

Yeah, maybe there are more things to focus on in life than how your body looks.

Michelle: 12:22

Yeah.

Christen: 12:23

I mean, like I've I've I've lost so much weight over the years and it never made me happy, even when I lost it. You know, you feel you feel good for a little while. You feel like, oh, I did this, this is great, but then you inevitably inevitably put it back on. Totally. Um, or like other things happened in your life, and it's like this isn't the thing that's going to fix what's the problem in your life. Like there's something else that's upsetting you, and you need to get to that, you know.

Michelle: 12:53

Yeah, absolutely. So, first of all, thanks for sharing all of that. I know that's not easy, and that took courage, and I commend you for that. You're amazing. Thank you. Um, so a lot of people are like, I think the the term binge eating can be kind of murky because some people are like clinically binging, and then some people are like subclinical, they're just they just feel like it's a binge because it's more than the hundred calorie snack pack that they promised they would eat, you know.

Christen: 13:22

Yeah.

Michelle: 13:22

Um what do those usually look like for you if you're comfortable sharing that? If not, it's totally cool.

Christen: 13:27

Oh yeah, yeah. You know, I've I've actually been like writing a post about this and I and I wrote this whole like process that I have in my brain out when I'm I'm like in a binge cycle. And I was like, do I really want to share this with people? This is very vulnerable, very raw. Um, but it could it to me it looks like um getting up a lot and going into the kitchen and getting things like so I could make you know, eight cookies and then I go back into the kitchen and I make like samosas, and then I go back into the kitchen and I make pasta, and then you know, I'm just like constantly in and out of the kitchen, like, okay, I've got cookies, I've got chips, I've got ice cream, I'm eating a pint of ice cream. So to me, it's a variety of things in a large quantity, and um it's just like getting out of control, and I'm just eating too much. So it it maybe it looks like I've had a pint of ice cream, half a ball of mozzarella cheese, um, two Elios pizzas, um, a box of macaroni shapes, which is a child's food, by the way.

Michelle: 14:43

I I don't know about that.

Christen: 14:44

I was with unicorn shapes like maybe every time.

Michelle: 14:48

Um I don't know why, but they taste different.

Christen: 14:52

They definitely taste different, right? Yes, they're like a good part of my childhood, yeah. Um and then like I'm eating cheesecake and and then I'm drinking a lot of alcohol. So it's just what can I put in my mouth that will taste good and make me forget that I am unhappy with whatever I'm happy with tonight.

Michelle: 15:16

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for sharing that.

Christen: 15:20

And I almost I almost did it. I started binging on Monday and I stopped it. And I've never done that before. I've never done that before, and it's it's it's this program, I swear to god. It's like I and I knew what I was doing. Like I went to McDonald's and I got like 20 pieces of chicken, which is way too much, and fries, and I went to the store and I got like macaroni of cheese, like the shape boxes, and I made them and I like put all the food out on a plate. Um, and I was like, this is crazy pants. And I bought, you know, like like who puts McDonald's on a plate? I've never done that.

Michelle: 16:00

I know I was just thinking that, like I've never done that in my life.

Christen: 16:03

Yeah, I think deep down I knew what I was doing, and I was like, if I put it on a plate, maybe I will see it. Like I'm I'm thinking more about it. You know, usually I'm very dissociated when I start thinking about eating food. So I'm constantly thinking about how there's food and I need to eat it, but I'm not really thinking about like, oh, you're like eating a ridiculous amount of food right now. You don't, I don't really think about that until after when I'm like, sure, you're totally disgusting. But yeah, so I was like, if I put it on a plate, then I'll see how much I have, you know. And then I'm I like started eating and then I was like, you're binging. I like literally I said it out loud. I was like, you're binging, like you're about to binge, and you're not gonna do this. And then I went and I threw out all the food. Well, I ate some of it, but um, once I felt full, I was like, I'm done. This is my last bite. And then I threw it, I threw the rest of it in the trash. I was like, if I want more chicken nuggets tomorrow, I can buy them tomorrow. That's amazing. I've never ever made never in my life, never stopped myself from being in the middle of a it's usually like I'm about to eat a bunch of food, I'm about to binge. Whatever. Yeah, whatever. Everything sucks. Yeah, screw it. Like, I might as well. Like, no one's ever gonna love me anyway.

Michelle: 17:20

Well, that is literally mind blowing. In the middle of a binge, you recognized it was happening and you said, you know what, this is not the direction I want to go in.

Christen: 17:29

You still gave yourself food because you did need food because I nourished myself because I needed to eat dinner.

Michelle: 17:35

Everybody needs to eat dinner. You still did what you needed to do for your body, but you stopped when it became too much for your body, and you had it out so that it wasn't in my house. That's power. That's like you literally had power over food that night.

Christen: 17:48

I mean, I was like, I texted my brother and and he was like, How do you feel? And I was like, I feel elated and like so emotional. I was like crying hysterically. I was like, I can't believe that I just stopped, I just did it, and I didn't really it didn't bother me. I wasn't like the rest of the night, like, oh, I really shouldn't have thrown that food out, or like, I really wish I could go back and eat that chicken. I was just like, No, you know what? I ate what I needed to for the day, and and I'm fine. That's amazing, and I'm happy with myself for doing something that was good for me.

Michelle: 18:22

That's amazing.

Christen: 18:23

Yeah, this program has been very transformative for me.

Michelle: 18:29

Oh my gosh, I'm like, I don't even know what to say. That is one of the coolest things.

Christen: 18:33

No, I'm like, please don't cry on your butt.

Michelle: 18:37

It's okay if you do.

Christen: 18:38

I might, I might.

Michelle: 18:41

So with the other things that you had tried, like Noom and I don't know, what else did you try besides Noom? I'm trying to remember what you've told me.

Christen: 18:48

What have I not tried over the years? Right? Like, I think that the real question is, what have I not tried? I to me, I feel like if you've tried two to four types of diets, you've tried all of them because every diet, like it's they're all just variations of a different diet, and they're all restrictive in some way or like calor calorie deficit in some way. So I've tried, let's see, like South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers, the Weight Watcher seven-day soup diet. Um, okay, I tried the candida-free diet, which is basically paleo but more restricted, which a nutritionist made me do. That's when I lost 25 pounds in a month. That still wasn't enough for some people in my life. Um, I've tried like every low carb, high protein, no carb, no sugar, um, isogenics, um, 310.

Michelle: 19:52

That is literally everything.

Christen: 19:54

Protein shakes. Oh, I had like a diet from my personal trainer where I was where I paid money for a meal plan diet from her, and she gave me all these foods that I told her I didn't like and some that I was allergic to.

Michelle: 20:10

Oh no, um, yeah, trainers should not give meal plans.

Christen: 20:13

Yeah, and I was supposed to eat like 1400 calories a day. And if I didn't, like I remember going in one day and she was like, How are you doing? And I was like very proud of myself. I was like, I'm doing so well. I've been eating like green beans, which I hate, and like all these other things. And I had like chicken thighs, and she was like, Don't eat chicken thighs, like they're high in fat. I was like, Are you freaking kidding me? Are we not are we not celebrating that I am eating well? You know, like we're we're really like saying no to parts of chicken now. Like, come on, where does it stop?

Michelle: 20:50

It never stops, it literally never stops.

Christen: 20:52

Yeah, I've done the cert food diet, lose, lose seven pounds in seven days without feeling hunger, keep up your energy. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Michelle: 21:05

And I mean all of those you love.

Christen: 21:07

I love all of these. Eat what eat what you love.

Michelle: 21:10

Yeah, yeah, except don't. Except don't, yeah. You hate your life. Um, and all of those, I mean, even the one that you lost 25 pounds in a month, you said the weight ended up coming back, right?

Christen: 21:20

Oh yeah. It did like trying to think, it came back like within a couple of months.

Michelle: 21:28

Yeah. Did you ever gain more than you lost?

unknown: 21:32

Yeah.

Christen: 21:34

After that diet, I I had lost 25 pounds and then I gained 30 and then I gained another like 25 or 30 pounds. That's where I'm at now. Yeah. Where I'm like I could be, I could have if I didn't, I could just be that that form of me, you know, like when I was down there. Like when I tried all these diets and they I never knew what a set point was. And I didn't know that yo-yo dieting was going to screw that up for me.

Michelle: 22:13

Yeah, they don't tell you that, otherwise you won't buy.

unknown: 22:16

Yeah.

Christen: 22:16

Yeah. It's so, it's so silly the things that I don't know. I don't know how people don't realize how much of a I don't know how I didn't realize how much of a scam diet culture is because it's like, do this, no, do that. And it goes back and forth so much. I feel like every five years, maybe even more than that, every couple of years, it's like you're not supposed to eat something that you've been eating for a long time that you were told is like a superfood or whatever.

Michelle: 22:41

Right. Yeah. At some point it starts to contradict itself. And then you walk in the grocery store and you're like, I'm so unsure right now and confused.

Christen: 22:51

I yeah, that's where I'm at too. Like, that's another reason that's like I give up. I don't know what to buy, I don't know how to cook for myself. Like, I'm just gonna buy Oreos and you know, dolce de leche, hag and dust, ice cream, and some pizza bagels and call it a day.

Michelle: 23:09

Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, just way overwhelmed. Yeah, it's nuts. So all of those things, I love that you were like, once you do four or five of them or three or four of them, it's like you've done them all.

Christen: 23:22

Yeah.

Michelle: 23:23

Um because they all are kind of the same thing, right? It's restriction in some way. It's like, let's try and get you to lose weight. Like, that's the whole that's the focus. Even if they say they're a lifestyle or they're different, or you get to eat the foods you love, they're still restrictive in some way and trying to get you to lose weight. So, what do you feel like with being in nourished and free? What is different about this kind of process that has been helpful for you that was unlike the other things you did?

Christen: 23:52

Yeah, I think having a community is very helpful for me. Like doing sort of this sort of stuff alone is really hard for me. I give up very easily. I I need accountability that's not like like noom accountability was a joke. And it was like it was like here, read this article that we wrote that doesn't really do anything to help you, but make you feel like you're not doing it right. Um, but in nourishing free, it's like, okay, here's I'm I'm gonna give you a whole week's worth of information to consume. Um, and then like we can talk about it. And if you need help with it, like let's chat about it. And if you're having a problem, talk about it and then read what everybody else is is um talking about. And some of the things that some of the women have said in our group chat, I'm like, I yeah, I felt that too. And it's just like so validating to know that like all of these years where I felt so alone, like there were other people struggling with the same thing, and we're all just trying to get through it, you know, and it's I don't know. I just I really love love that aspect of it. And then I I like it because I have a really hard time um taking in a lot of information at a time about something like this because I'm constantly at odds with it and I'm like, no, this isn't happening to me. Like this isn't part of this isn't me. Like, I'm this is I don't fall into this category. So it I I read an article, but then I have to like put it down for a while, you know, like it's just like too hard. But having having it set out in modules, like I can focus on this one thing. Just this week, I focus on this one thing, and now I'm at 12 weeks and I know all of this great stuff, you know. But I didn't, it wasn't all like thrown at me in in one um minute, you know.

Michelle: 25:56

Yeah, and I love what you said earlier too about like the worksheets. There's simple questions, but and this is true for most of the models, like it's simple stuff, but at the same time, it's deep work, and you you kind of need that time to just like I mean, realistically, you're probably not spending more than like 30 minutes to an hour throughout the span of a whole week actually watching stuff, reading stuff, but the processing that goes into it is where the transformation happens. And it's a really I love that that you enjoy that because it's very intentional. I want you to think through stuff in a new way and and get deep down in parts of your beings that you do not want to go to.

Christen: 26:42

I don't think I don't think if I if I hadn't had that, I I don't know how successful I would have been. I because I I do kind of like drop off drop off of things really easily because it is it's so easy to when you're like trying to avoid it, you know.

Michelle: 26:58

Yeah. So yeah, what would you say to somebody that's in the same position as you? They're really struggling with their relationship with food and binging and and maybe they're hesitant to face it, you know, and really take the problem head on because they don't want to do that deep work. What would you say to them if they were considering joining Nourished and Free?

Christen: 27:19

I would say don't be afraid. Um, doing the work, like it's hard and it's not always pretty, um, but it is worth it. And you can get to a place on the other side where you just feel like eons better, you know, like you just feel like a different person, um who is not defined by their body or what they put in their mouth um or their eating habits, you know, like I would also say, if not now, when like that the this is every time I've felt like I don't know if I can do it anymore, I want to give up. I'm I'm thinking like, if I don't complete this, like when am I ever going to? You know what I mean? Like, so I think if you want to have a better relationship with yourself and how you feel about yourself and your body, and you don't want to be controlled by um a constant stream of negative thoughts about what you should be eating uh and how all you want is to eat everything else and everything that's in your cabinet right now that you should go and just eat uncontrollably. Like this is definitely definitely a really good place to like combat that get past it.

Michelle: 28:46

I love that.

Christen: 28:47

Like, if not now, when you know when like seriously, I think that that was that was like the last thing I said before I hit the button because I was um I was like, I I don't know if I want to like pay so much for this. And then I was like, how much money have I paid over the years for like programs, shaker bottles, protein shake supplements, um scales, you know, food scales and weight scales, and uh geez, what else do you buy? Like, oh, I bought a juicer once, like the amount of I've probably spent three times the amount that this program costs just on stupid crap that has never helped me. Yeah, it's worth it, like every penny. And I probably would have paid more.

Michelle: 29:41

That's amazing. I love that.

Christen: 29:44

Yeah, and I just thought I was like, you know what? If you don't do it now, like you're not gonna do it. I remember like I was in the car with my brother when I was, it must have been like 14 years old, and he wanted me to read this article about uh Bob Marley in this book, and I was like, Oh, I'll read it later. And he Like, if you're not if you're not gonna read it now, you're not gonna read it later. And yeah, and I was and that has like stuck with me my whole life. And I'm and I never I never read that article.

Michelle: 30:10

That is so funny. What a random way for that to transform you.

Christen: 30:15

I know, I know, right? But I think about that, and I'm like, if I see an article, I'm like, I really want to read that, I'm like, you have to read it now, or else you're not gonna read it because I know I'm not going to. And I was like, if I don't do this program now, like I'm just I gotta. You have to. Yeah.

Michelle: 30:31

Yeah.

Christen: 30:32

Because what's the alternative? You keep going this way. That's the definition of insanity.

Michelle: 30:38

Mm-hmm. I love that quote. So I know there's a lot of people out there who love metrics and statistics and and all of that. Um, so you mentioned you'd been, you started binging when you're around nine or ten years old, right?

Christen: 30:52

Yeah.

Michelle: 30:52

So how many years is that? I mean, if you don't want to say your age, that's fine.

Christen: 30:56

I'm 34. So I think that's 25, 26 years. And think about a nine-year-old binging. Like, I know it's it sounds like improbable, but it's not. I mean, like, I have like vivid memories of me like sneaking into the kitchen after everybody was asleep and eating, you know, like extra pizza. My family, there's five of us, and there's more boys than girls. So my mom would always order two pies for pizza night every week. And so, you know, you'd eat you'd eat two slices at dinner, and then I would like sneak down to the kitchen and eat like two or three slices of pizza, and then I'd like chug a bunch of ginger ale, and then if there were cookies or something, I would eat that too. Like, yeah, my parents didn't know, and I was very, you know, you get really good at like hiding and then listening for footsteps and things like that, you know. Um, you don't even know why you're doing it, it's just something that's like bringing you some kind of soothing comfort at the time.

Michelle: 31:57

Yeah, absolutely. So 25, 26 years, 26 and what was the longest that you think you ever went without binging during that time?

Christen: 32:08

Before now, probably like when I would go on vacation with my ex because he wasn't like a big snacker, and I tried to keep this away from him a lot. Um, well, I try and keep it away from everybody, but like when you live with a person or you're like on vacation with them, it's like a little bit harder. You have to find like more inventive ways to binge behind their backs when they're not seeing because it's so embarrassing, you know. Like, I don't want someone I love to see me like that. Um, so I would say like maybe on a vacation, uh something like that, which would be probably no more than two weeks. Yeah. And even then, I would like find other ways, like, oh, we should get dessert tonight, you know, or like eat all of my dinner and instead of like leaving some food on the plate.

Michelle: 33:04

Yeah.

Christen: 33:04

Um, and then now I'm if I don't binge tonight, which I don't see myself doing because it's like nine o'clock and I already eat dinner and I don't feel like I want to. Um, I'm 31 days binge free.

Michelle: 33:18

Oh my gosh, we hit the month, Mike. It's amazing.

Christen: 33:22

Or get a chip or something.

Michelle: 33:23

Like that's a good idea.

Christen: 33:25

I feel like, yeah, I feel like um it's wild. And I know I I think I told you in our last call, like I was feeling a little worried. Like having this, I pulled it up for you. This like list of my no binges is like that unhealthy. And I noticed today, I was like, I haven't even filled that out in the last couple of days. I'm not thinking about it anymore. I'm just not doing it. And it's it's like weightlifting.

Michelle: 33:56

You're not even thinking about it anymore.

Christen: 33:57

I'm thinking about it anymore.

Michelle: 33:59

And the time that you did, which was earlier this week, you conquered it.

Christen: 34:04

I conquered it, yeah. And I know exactly like this is a a particularly rough week for me in February every year. So um there were things that I was thinking about and and that were going on that like I knew I was able to like pinpoint it and then be like, this is why you're doing this. You need you need to stop yourself, you know.

Michelle: 34:25

It's amazing. 31 days binge free for the first time in 25 years. Wild. This is your life. Yeah, how's it feel?

Christen: 34:37

It feels freaking great, and I'm I'm wearing pants that fit me, you know. I'm like wearing jeans again, and I bought another dress. Like, I haven't worn, I used to wear dresses all the time. I love wearing dresses, I just feel more comfortable in them, but I haven't worn any since I gained all this weight because I don't want to spend money on clothes when I'm like planning on losing 30 pounds in a day, apparently.

Michelle: 35:02

Yeah, in a day, in a single day. Just quick little get that.

Christen: 35:06

Yeah, it's just like, yeah, I don't want to um yeah, so it's nice. I'm like planning, I'm I'm going on vacation in a couple of weeks, and I don't have to worry about my clothes. Yeah, it's awesome. And you don't have to worry about food, and I don't have to worry about food. I can just like eat to survive and and enjoy it without having to be like, oh, I gotta walk this off later. Yeah. I gotta go to the gym. I don't want to go to the gym. I hate the gym. Hate it.

Michelle: 35:42

Yeah, we typically do when we're using it as a form of punishment. Yeah.

Christen: 35:49

I love walking now, like because it I don't really, it's it's soothing for me. It's nice. Yeah. Um, even when I do like the Apple Fitness workouts, I do them just because they feel good. You know, I'm not like I'm trying to eat uh work off this donut, you know, or like I'm trying to lose 10 pounds by next week. No, I'm just like trying to move my body.

Michelle: 36:08

Yeah, yeah. Do you feel like your um like your relationship with exercise is improving too? Or yeah, yeah.

Christen: 36:18

I have accepted that like there are certain things I'm just never going to love doing, and that's fine. Yeah, totally. And and there's like plenty of things that I love to do anyway that I was doing before. Like I love um like cycling, I like to ride my bike and swimming. I've never really been a swimmer to lose weight. People are always like, You're a swimmer, like you you're a little big to be a swimmer. I swim for my mind, it's like a mental health thing for me. Um, so I never really considered that as like a weight loss tool. So that obviously also, who is saying that? People are mean. What the heck? People are are or they'll you know, they look at you like you are a swimmer? No.

Michelle: 37:04

Oh my god, that is so rude.

Christen: 37:06

Like you don't even look like you get out of bed in the morning, like you look like you just sit down all day. Nobody's ever ever said that specifically to me, but you know, they say other things that basically mean that.

Michelle: 37:20

So let's say that somebody, I'm I'm gonna pitch you a scenario here. Let's say that somebody did say something like that about your body. How would that make you feel now? Would you feel any different about that now? I guess.

Christen: 37:34

Yeah. Um like for example, one time I went to a I'm a big hockey fan, so I went to a Rangers Devils game at the Prudential Center, which is the Devils Arena, and we won. Rangers won. And so a lot of Devils fans were very angry, and we were all like cheering, like, yeah, let's go, Rangers. And this guy was like, Yo, why don't you go eat more? Why don't you go eat some more cake? And I was like, What the hell? Like, seriously, over a hockey game, you're like that shame me. Uh number one, number two, like I was in the best shape of my life back then. Like, um, you just don't know like where people are. Like, don't say things like that. And it crushed me. I mean, like, I spiraled for a week, maybe more. And like, I don't even know how much I pinched, but now if somebody said that to me, I would be like, what is going on in your life that you're so unhappy about that you need to comment on my body? Yeah, I know that your comment is less about me and more about you. Absolutely, and that's really freeing, you know, it's kind of empowering.

Michelle: 38:57

Oh, yeah. I'm so happy to hear that. That's amazing.

Christen: 39:02

It's crazy, it's crazy because it's like mind-blowing in a way that like I I just never um thought I would have this kind of a mindset. And even at the in the first module, you talk about mindset, and I was like, I really hope that I can make that work, but like I've been talking so harshly to myself for 30 years, however long my inner monologue has existed, which feels like ever since I was born. Um yeah, yeah, it's hard, but it's totally achievable.

Michelle: 39:39

Yeah, it's unreal, but it's real, but it is actually real, it is legit.

Christen: 39:45

It's a reality that you can have if you just, you know, work at it.

Michelle: 39:50

Yeah, yeah. And I think you made a really important point in the towards the beginning, which is um like for you, there was a point where you weren't ready, right? And this was not for you. And I think that's like that's really critical about this process is you have to be ready, ready to do the deep work, ready to put yourself um in a vulnerable position, but also with that reality of like, well, if I'm not ready now, when am I gonna be? Like, you kind of have to decide, you know, you have to decide, I'm ready now. I'm I'm done feeling this way.

Christen: 40:28

Yeah. Your life has to begin at some point, you know. I mean, I'm I'm gonna be 35 this summer. Like, I can't uh one of my non-negotiables was like, I can't turn like 36 next year and be in the same place that I'm at now. And I don't even want to turn 35 and be like this, you know. Like I want to have, like, I just I I want to have a life that isn't consumed by my looks, my appearance, and my eating, you know, like I just don't, I can't live like this anymore.

Michelle: 41:06

Well, I mean, at this point, it looks like you're gonna be turning 35 without any binges.

Christen: 41:12

I'm gonna have an extra party and I'm gonna eat all the cake that I want.

Michelle: 41:17

Yes. Oh my gosh, you are a joy, Kristen, and you are an inspiration. I know that there are people listening to this that are going to resonate with you and um feel like there's hope for them because of you.

Christen: 41:34

There is hope, even if you feel completely hopeless, which like I felt that too. Hopeless, unlovable, unworthy, incapable. It was never never gonna happen. Like it's just a vicious cycle, but it's all what you tell yourself and what other people tell yourself. So, are you willing to tell yourself something that is actually real and could be better?

Michelle: 41:58

Yeah, so good. You are amazing. I can't wait to hear from you like a year from now. I'm living my best life. I'm doing it in Hawaii. Goals. 2024 goals. All right, Kristen, you're the best. I appreciate your time tonight, and um, I'm excited to hear how this has touched people's lives.

Christen: 42:25

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me on, and just thanks for being a part of my journey and my life now, you know. That's awesome. It is a thanks for having Pepper with us.

Michelle: 42:35

That was no offense, but more of an honor.

unknown: 42:39

I'm just kidding.

Michelle: 42:43

I love it. I can tell you specifically placed her within the frame, too.

Christen: 42:46

Yeah, I was like, you need to be seen.

Michelle: 42:51

I love it. All right, my dear.

Christen: 42:55

Thank you.