On Attachment

#187: Is It Better to Heal While Single or in a Relationship?

• Stephanie Rigg • Season 1 • Episode 187

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Whether you’re single or partnered, you might find yourself wondering: Am I in the right place to do this work? There’s often an unspoken belief that there’s a “best” time to heal — and that if we’re not doing it in the ideal conditions, we’re doing it wrong.

In this episode, I’ll explore:

  • The advantages and limitations of healing while single
  • Why being in a relationship can accelerate your growth (but only under the right conditions)
  • How emotional safety plays a key role in healing
  • Why the question itself might be coming from a place of fear, shame, or comparison
  • How to work with whatever season you're in and meet yourself there

Whether you're currently dating, in a relationship, or consciously taking space from romantic connection — this conversation will help you better understand the unique opportunities (and challenges) each path offers.

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Speaker 3:

You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships, and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I, I'm your host relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here.

Speaker:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the question of whether it is better to heal while single or in a relationship. Now, this is a question that I get all the time, and I get this question from people who are on all ends of the spectrum. So people who are single and wondering whether it would be more advantageous for them in their healing to be in a relationship, people who are in a relationship and wondering, should I actually just take some time away from a relationship and be single so I can really focus on this away from the triggers of my relationship? And also maybe people who are casually dating, so somewhere in the middle who are wondering whether they should. Tap out for a while and really allow themselves time and space to just do the healing work or whether they should be really focusing on putting themselves out there to do the healing work, right? So I think everyone's looking for the right way to approach their healing, to maximize their results, to optimize the process, all of this stuff, right? And I understand that. I know that, there can be this sense, particularly when it matters so much to us to want to do it the right way and to not want to sabotage or. Compromise our ability to achieve the transformation that we're seeking. And at the same time, I think we do need to acknowledge where that question is coming from in us, and I'll talk a little bit more about that as we go on. You know, am I wanting to grip and control my way to this? End point of being healed and how realistic is that? And maybe the question is a function of my anxiety more than anything else. And while if you know me and you're familiar with my work, you can probably anticipate what the crux of my answer to this question is, which is there's no one right way, there's no black and white. This is the blueprint for healing that you must follow, and it's gonna be the same for everyone. Of course, that's not the case. But I will acknowledge that there are certain gifts and upsides and limitations or challenges that you will encounter. In different seasons. So while single, I think there are gifts and limitations while dating, I think there are gifts and limitations. While in a relationship, I think there are gifts and limitations. And I suppose being aware of what those might be and how they might apply to you and your particular, past experience the specific things that you struggle with and are wanting to work on. Having all of that context might aid you in making that assessment of what is going to be best for me? What is gonna be most supportive for me? What do I need at this point in my life? So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before we get into that, a reminder for anyone who missed it, I've created a brand new free training called How to Heal Anxious Attachment, and finally Feel Secure in Life and Love. It is really comprehensive. It's 75 or so minutes long, which I apologize for that. I know everyone's very busy and time poor, but it's a very valuable 75 minutes and has received amazing feedback from the people who have gone through it so far. We talk about my three step framework for healing, anxious attachment, So the role of the nervous system and somatics, we talk about core belief reprogramming and some of the core wounds of anxious attachment and how they infiltrate everything and act as a filter through which we perceive ourselves and others, and relationships. And we talk about secure relationship skills, so things like needs and communication and boundaries and conflict resolution and why a lot of people get that a bit backwards and it can actually backfire if you focus on that before you have the other pieces in place. We talk about common obstacles to healing. So you know, if you're someone who's been doing this for a long time and you're still feeling stuck or you keep ending up in the same patterns talking through exactly why that might be and spoiler alert, it's not just because you are the exception to the rule and you are irreparably broken. And we also talk about a very big question, which I get a lot which is how do I know if it's my anxious attachment? That's the problem that's causing all of these ruptures in my relationship that's causing me to take issue with all of this stuff that my partner's doing, or other things that my partner's doing, actually not okay. Is it me or them basically. And while that is of course not a black and white answer, I do go into some of the things that we'll make a secure relationship hard, AKA, if they're doing all of these things, then it's probably not just your anxious attachment. So go into all of that in this training. The link to sign up to that is in the show notes. Or you can come find me on Instagram. At Stephanie under rig and you can sign up for it there as well. I would love for you to check it out. It's super valuable and as I said, has gotten amazing feedback from everyone who's gone through it so far. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around is it better to heal while single or in a relationship? And as I said, this is not directed to the single people or the people in a relationship because I get the question from both sides. And so I am gonna give a balanced view and be speaking to everyone and anyone in between. So let's start first with why we asked this question. As I said in the introduction, I do think there's probably an aspect of. The question reveals the anxiety because our anxiety wants to do things right. It wants there to be a formula. It wants information and structure and certainty, right? And so it's like, if I just do these six things and control all the variables, does that mean I will be healed in X amount of time? And, you know, that's the, the challenge for me, of course, in teaching this and distilling it down into frameworks and programs and all of the things, like we can create these pillars, we can create a roadmap, and at the same time there's so much fluidity in that and everyone's journey's gonna look a little different. And so being able to hold both of those things is. So core to this work and so essential to not feeding that part of us that wants to believe that we're doing something wrong if it doesn't look a certain way. And so recognizing at the outset that there is no perfect solution. There are only trade offs, and that is true in every aspect of life. There's no one thing that solves every single problem. You just need to figure out what are the trade offs that make most sense for you. Now when we're talking about relationships and healing relational wounds, you might have heard. The saying be tossed around that, you know, we are hurt in relationship or we are wounded in relationship and so we must heal in relationship. And I think there can be truth to that for sure. You know, this concept of a corrective experience that's essentially meaning that. If I have had an experience or many experiences in the past of, for example, speaking up about my needs and someone turning away from that. So whether they say oh, do we have to talk about this again? Or, oh, gimme a break. I can't believe you know. All of those things that feel really invalidating and dismissive, and then lead me to reinforce this internal story of I'm not allowed to have needs because if and when I voice my needs or concerns, that leads to the loss of connection and that is not a price I'm willing to pay. That's a really deeply ingrained story and experience that I might have, and I can do so much work on that on my own. But until I have an experience that tells another story that actually I voice and need and someone receives it with love and care and that kind of ingrains in my system as. An alternative possibility. And I think certain things we need to learn through experience rather than through theory. That is super valuable. And so this idea that there are certain things that will only really land in our system in the context of a healing relationship container. I think that there is some wisdom to that and there is some truth to that, but then we can also look at. Other things that say, you have to love yourself before someone else will love you, which is completely opposite, right? That saying that, you've gotta basically deal with all of your self-esteem, and self-worth stuff and heal your inner relationship before you can get into a relationship with someone else that's going to be that way. And while I don't really subscribe to that view of you need to love yourself first, because I think that's setting the bar pretty high. I do think that there is validity and value in the idea of focusing on our inner relationship, particularly as people who struggle with anxious attachment, because the inner relationship tends to be very underdeveloped. We are so focused on the other person that we tend to not really know who we are, and we tend not to have very high self-esteem, and we tend not to be very good at, really grounded and embodied self-advocacy. All of these things that allow us to go to relationships. On a firm and level footing as our embodied adult self and give and receive the kind of love that is conducive to those healing corrective experiences. I think there's truth in that as well. And so there's wisdom in this idea of focusing on the self first. So all of that to say like, You're gonna hear people say one thing, you're gonna hear people say another, and it's not trying to figure out like who's right and who's wrong. It's what's the wisdom in each of these things? What's the nuance and can I have the discernment to figure out, what is it that I might need? In light of where I'm at or what is it that I can take from the season that I'm in what's the most helpful and supportive thing for me to focus on Rather than feeling like I need to fit my life and my relationship status into some sort of mold so that I can do the healing work. So with that being said, let's talk a little bit more about the gifts and the limitations of healing while single. So as I was just saying, for anxiously attached people in particular. That self piece tends to be the crux of the work. And so whether you are single or in a relationship, my advice will always be focus on yourself. And I think that when we are single, that has the advantage of there being more space. You know, you have the luxury of real selfishness when you're single. I was giving advice to someone in my healing anxious attachment course the other day who'd just been out of a breakup and saying what if this was an opportunity to go all in on yourself, even for three months, right? What's three months in the scheme of your life? What would it be like to be totally self-centered in the best possible way. Like really make your life all about you without the distraction of focusing on someone else and what they need and what they're thinking and when they're gonna be available. What would it be like to not rush back onto the apps or feel like you need to be hunting for the next thing? Like, how can I make my life so totally about me and what feels nourishing to me and to really go in on my vitality and my joy and my sense of aliveness. And I think that that is really in my mind, the great gift of doing this work while single, particularly if you are someone who has historically tended to focus on the other person and what they think and want and need and prefer, and what will suit them and their convenience like. Reorienting that back onto yourself might be uncomfortable. You might not be accustomed to receiving that much attention, even if it's just from yourself, but there's huge growth in creating a life that is so fulfilling and so nourishing and totally about you. So I think that doing that in conjunction with doing some of that deeper and sometimes heavier work around understanding your wounds and the things that you've carried and the grief that might come with that, and all of those, layers of emotional unraveling that we have to do sometimes when we're turning towards this work. I think doing that when you have a lot of time and space when you're not distracted and being pulled into your old patterns that tend to be relational in nature when you're not coming into contact with day-to-day triggers in the way that you might be if you were casually dating or in a relationship, I think that can be really fruitful. And that can be, as I said, a beautiful season to devote to yourself. Some of the limitations of doing that work while single. It's kind of the other side of the coin, you're not gonna be triggered as much. And there can be real gifts in our triggers because they bring us into contact with things that still need our attention. And so while it's not necessarily helpful to be like triggered all day, every day, and we'll come to that in a moment when we talk about the relationship piece, if we just create a little bubble that feels like Cloud nine while that can be really supportive for a period it might allow us to skate over the surface and create this illusion of look at me. I'm all healed now. And then what I will often hear from people who maybe fall into that pattern and get a little too comfy there is that. Then they start dating and they're like, oh, I thought I was healed. But look at me. I started chatting with someone on, a hinge and I'm an absolute mess four days into chatting with them.'cause I think they're pulling away. So I guess I'm not healed at all. And we swing back into this, shaming thing of, I thought I was fixed, it turns out I'm still broken. I guess I'm never gonna be healed. And that's not a very helpful loop to go into. I think we wanna find the balance and have really honest and healthy expectations around it. Like I'm devoting this season to my healing, to my growth and allowing myself to really. Relish, the, the sweet selfishness that can come with being single. While not letting that be an echo chamber or, wrapping ourselves in cotton wool and pushing away anything and everything that might disturb the pristine piece of our singleness. Assuming that you do eventually wanna be in a relationship. I think knowing that there will be a time that will come when you will reenter that arena and it will challenge you having that not only as a possibility but an expectation. Like, I expect that I will absolutely be triggered if and when I start dating again. I think that's a healthy way to approach it, because that is reality. You will be And it's not about never getting triggered again, it's realizing that I am going to arrive at those moments of trigger. As a new version of myself with different skills and tools and awareness and capacity, and that is my opportunity to put all of this work that I've been doing while single into practice. So it's not like I'm doing the work while single, so that in my next relationship I never have to feel triggered again. That's not realistic, and you're gonna feel defeated and confused if that's your expectation. But realizing I'm using this time to practice and to. Upskill and build my capacity so that I can take a different version of me to that next chapter. Okay, so let's shift now to talking about doing this work while in a relationship. Now, I think the advantages of doing this work in a relationship are that that's real life. If you're someone who desires long-term partnership and you are doing this work while in long-term partnership or even, medium short-term partnership. That's the arena, right? That's what we're doing it for. It's all well and good to practice, to train, but I always say to my students and my clients like relationships. That's real life. That's game day, right? That's what we're doing it for. And so. Not holding ourselves back from. Real life from getting messy and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to take risks and to hopefully have new experiences as a result of the work that we're doing. That's gold, right? And it's not always gonna be comfortable. It's not always gonna be easy or seamless. But that is, so much of what we're doing it for is so that we can ebb and flow in real life relationships because that's not all within our control, right? It's nice to think of it all in terms of a video or a worksheet or a podcast or a whatever, a nice script of how it's gonna go. But there's nothing really vulnerable about that. And it's only when we actually show up, face to face with a person. Who we love and care about, and the stakes are high and it's real life. That is a huge opportunity and it might scare the shit out of you. And that makes sense if it does because it is real and stakes are high. But that's, that's what it's all about, right? That's where we put ourselves on the line for that because we care and we love and that's what we're all doing it for. So I think that the reality factor, the mess of it all, the vulnerability is a huge opportunity to build deep intimacy. Because being really seen and attuned to, and feeling understood when we reveal parts of ourselves that maybe we've never shown anyone or, we're afraid or unlovable those experiences can be very deeply healing. And. I think oftentimes it's only through the process of rupture and repair and speaking our needs and voicing fears or concerns or setting boundaries. These bumps in the road are very fruitful in terms of deepening our relationships. And so I think when you're doing this work and you're showing up to your relationship differently and showing up to those hard moments with more capacity to have those corrective experiences that. That show your system another way is possible that can be incredibly valuable and really catapult your growth and the evolution of your relationship into something deeper and more connected. Now I think the flip side of that is that if the relationship lacks the emotional safety. That is needed to have those positive experiences, then there's every chance that you will just continue to trigger the hell out of each other, and maybe one or both of you lack the tools awareness capacity to engage in meaningful repair, such that you're just getting triggered all the time and nothing's actually being done to tend to those wounds. So if you're just in the arena all the time, getting pummeled, obviously, not literally, but always being triggered, always on edge, always in hyper vigilance and high conflict. Like I don't think that's. A healing container. And I think we have to be really honest and discerning about is there anything about this dynamic or environment that is actually conducive to, the building of trust and emotional safety. And if that's not the case, then you may be compromising your ability To grow and to build more security within yourself. If you're in a relational dynamic that is reinforcing all of those wounds and you're still collecting evidence every day that relationships are unsafe, that people don't care about me, that I'm always trying hard, like. We wanna be doing the opposite of that. We wanna be collecting new evidence for new stories. And so if your relationship is providing evidence for the old stories all day, every day, and you're always on edge and always stressed then I don't know that that's going to be supportive of your growth and it might actually be keeping you stuck in the cycles and the patterns that you're trying to shift away from. I guess the other thing that I'll just add onto that is. We don't tend to grow or learn or reflect or integrate when we're in a constant state of stress and dysregulation. That's just not really how it works. And so we do need that baseline level of safety. It doesn't have to be perfect but if you are like seriously dysregulated all the time, walking on eggshells fighting you're not really gonna be in a reflective mode. You're not gonna have the bandwidth or the capacity to take those risks, to be vulnerable, to be openhearted because you're so locked in patterns of, threat detection and self-protection that again, are not really conducive to that. Loving, connected, open heartedness, that's really gonna take you to that secure relationship place. Okay. So with all of that being said, I suppose I just wanna emphasize that, healing. And healing anxious attachment in particular. There's a big self piece. There's a big relational piece, and really finding a way to weave those together is what is going to allow you to. Integrate everything that you're learning, the self-awareness that you're developing, the new skills that you're building, the nervous system capacity, all of those pieces come together and it's being woven together in this tapestry. So it's not like I need to do one thing and not the other, or I need to do this and not that. There will be different parts of the work in different seasons, and I think that, no matter where you are in life. There are opportunities for you to turn inward to reflect, to grow, to get curious, to be compassionate. There's no perfect formula for healing because it's not a neat linear journey with a start and an end point, and that you're somehow behind or on the wrong track if you are where you are instead of somewhere else. Okay? So it's really so much less about your relationship status. And more about your inner orientation to the work, and the place that you're approaching it and yourself from. So if you're avoiding relationships to stay comfortable. And from this place of, I don't trust myself to date again, because I'm gonna go back into all of my old patterns and I've been feeling so good. So I can't start dating again. That's. That's not security, right? That's fear. Or from the other place going. I can't leave my relationship even though it's driving me crazy and I'm so unhappy all the time because I dunno what I'd do without it. We've gotta ask where am I asking the question from? What's going on within me? What am I afraid of and can I build enough self trust that it's okay, I can release the grip, I can, just surrender a little to the unfolding of things and keep turning towards myself at every step of the way and asking these. Fundamental questions of what's going on for me? How am I feeling? What do I need? How could I best support myself? That's really the crux of it. It's not rigid, it's not formulaic. It's all about that inner relationship and how we relate to ourselves, to others and to life as a whole. So I hope that's been helpful no matter where you are on that spectrum. And as I said at the start, definitely check out my new free training. If what I've shared today has resonated with you, I promise you'll get a lot out of it and I'd really love for you to check it out. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.

Speaker 2:

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things, attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at Stephanie under Reig or@stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.