On Attachment

#206: How Understanding Your Nervous System Can Make You A Better Partner & Parent with Alyssa Blask Campbell

• Stephanie Rigg • Season 1 • Episode 206

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Understanding your nervous system is one of the most powerful tools you have for creating secure, connected relationships. But too often we approach it as a one-size-fits-all formula, rather than honouring the unique way our individual nervous systems work.

In this episode, I’m joined by parenting expert and author Alyssa Blask Campbell to explore how tuning into your nervous system can make you a better partner and parent. Alyssa shares insights from her work on emotional development in children and explains why knowing your own system is just as important for the adults in the room.

We talk about:

  • Why nervous system awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence
  • How your unique nervous system traits shape your relationships and parenting
  • Practical ways to move from reactivity to grounded presence
  • How understanding your system allows you to show up with more compassion, patience, and connection

If you’ve ever felt like the standard advice on regulation doesn’t quite work for you, this conversation will give you permission to explore what does — so you can build stronger, more attuned relationships at home and beyond.

Connect with Alyssa

  • Instagram: @seed.and.sew
  • Purchase Alyssa's books here
  • Take the free quiz on your unique nervous system here

🔥 Save 40% on my Healing Anxious Attachment course for 72 hours only! 🔥

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Speaker 18:

You are listening to on Attachment A place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships, and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I, I'm your host relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here.

Speaker 17:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today I'm joined by Alyssa Blak Campbell, who's a parenting expert and author of Tiny Humans, big Emotions and her new book, big Kids, bigger Feelings. Elissa's work centers on helping parents and caregivers understand the role of the nervous system in raising emotionally intelligent children. In our conversation today, we explore how a deeper understanding of your unique nervous system can not only make you a more attuned parent, but also a more grounded partner. Rather than taking a one size fits all approach shares how tuning into the specific traits and needs of your nervous system can totally transform the way that you show up in all of your relationships. I so enjoyed my chat with Alyssa, and I'm sure that you will too. So let's dive straight in.

Stephanie Rigg:

Hi, Alyssa. Thank you so much for being here.

Alyssa Audio:

Hello. I'm so jazzed to be here and get to hang with you, Stephanie.

Stephanie Rigg:

Likewise. So maybe for anyone who doesn't know you and your work, you could give a bit of an introduction to what you do in the world and how you got here.

Alyssa Audio:

Totally. So my master's is in early childhood education, but I did research in building emotional intelligence and we look so deeply at the nervous system. And what I kept finding in space after space were regulation strategies for like how to calm your body and how to regulate and how to practice self-care. And they were one size fits all, prescriptive or feels like, oh my gosh, I need so much time and energy and capacity or money to access those things. And so what we really dive into in our work is understanding your unique nervous system, how you operate and what it looks like. To take care of you and then be in relationship with humans around you, whether it's your partner or it's at work, or it's with your kids. And to understand if you are parenting, who is the tiny human in front of you? How does their nervous system work and how do you support their emotional intelligence? And it's been a wild ride over here, but I started seed and so after the research ended to just share about it. It just kind of took off and grew on its own from there. And it has now become, we have courses, I have, my first book is Tiny Humans, big Emotions. My second book is Big Kids, bigger Feelings. And then we support schools, so elementary schools, middle schools, and then like daycare preschools here in the States and in Canada. And really just looking at like, how do you do this work? And then I travel and speak, whether it's to companies and how to look at what this looks like in your business or in relationships and in partnerships, in marriage, and also then in the parenting space.

Stephanie Rigg:

Amazing and, I think the fact that you cover such a broad scope in terms of the applications of the work really speaks to the fact that this affects everything, right? The way that we move through the world, our nervous system, our awareness of that, our, it was our literacy with respect to our own nervous system, and that of others I think is very, very profound in shaping how we perceive ourselves, other people relationships, like in the moment, in the big picture. Like it's everything. So it makes sense that like it's, you've got so many tentacles in different places as know, done this work. work.

Alyssa Audio:

That's it. It like app. It applies to everything. People say oh, I came for my kids, but I'm staying for myself. Like it is like the key to how you operate. It has strengthened my marriage. I mean, I did the research before I had kids, and we use this in our marriage every single day like. My husband and I have very different nervous systems and how we integrate the world and process stuff and what our needs are are so different, and understanding how one another, how ourselves, how we operate is so huge for us, getting our needs met and then also showing up for one another.

Stephanie Rigg:

Yes. And I think for me. I've worked with a somatically trained therapist for the past four years and doing that work personally and then doing some training in it as well, I think it just shifts you into a level of agency in your life that you don't have without that awareness.'cause it's just like it. You go from why do I feel like this? Why does this keep happening to me? And feeling very much like the passenger in your life to being much more able to be present with what's going on for me, what do I need? And like bringing choice into moments that you may not previously have had access to that. And I think that alone is whoa, that's paradigm shifting.

Alyssa Audio:

Hundred percent. Oh, I love that perspective, Stephanie, that like it really allows you to be that driver and to not feel like life is happening to you.

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

Mm-hmm.

Alyssa Audio:

But instead to be like, oh, I get to have some control and choice and autonomy here in this life and understand when this happens, this is why I feel this way, and here are choices. I have to navigate that.

Stephanie Rigg:

Yeah. It's like deeply validating and empowering at the same time. It's like not a big mystery anymore. It's like, oh, that makes sense. Okay, and what am I gonna do with it?

Alyssa Audio:

Yes, exactly. I actually, that just made me think the, just the other day we had a dinner plan. We were gonna do like tacos, burritos, we kind of just do a make your own. What? I like to have it in a bowl. My husband likes to have it in a burrito. One kid likes a taco, the other kid likes a burrito. And so we just prepare all the ingredients, kind of make your own thing. and. Our neighbor who lives behind us had texted and was like, Hey, do you guys wanna hang for dinner tonight? They have two kids, very similar age. And she was like, we were planning to do kind of like a Mexican night. And we were like, oh, we had a similar plan. Yes, what do you have? And she sent over a text of what they had and I sent the screenshot to my husband was like, Hey. We're gonna combine with Emily and Ryan for dinner tonight. Here's what they have. I'm gonna pick the kids up from school. Do you wanna just grab the other stuff from our house and meet me over there after work? He was like, yeah, totally. He shows up and he had some ingredients, but not all of the things that I expected him to bring, and I was like, huh. Walk me through what happened for you here and, and he was like, oh, well she's got X, Y, and Z. And so I brought these things and I was like, right, so what is Sage, our son, what will he typically eat tonight? And he was like, A burrito with rice, beans and cheese. And I was like, correct, there's no cheese and no rice. And he was like, ah, sure, sure. And in that moment, like I know that. Executive functioning comes very easily to me. I'm really good at the organizational planning side of things and being like, okay, this is what she has.

Speaker 15:

All the

Alyssa Audio:

have, here's what's correct. And for him, that's a challenge. His brain works harder to do that, and there are things that his brain does easier than my brain does. And. Knowing that about him and how his brain operates, instead of being like, oh my God, can you just pause and think through what is Sage gonna need for dinner and bring those things instead, I was able to be like, okay, yes, I could have said, Hey, here's what she has. Can you make sure we have X, Y, and Z? Because it takes my brain. Less than 30 seconds to think of those things and organize it. And it's harder for him. And so I could just have set us up for success instead of leaving the the functioning part. Yes, exactly. And I used to get frustrated in a way that now I have compassion.

Stephanie Rigg:

Yeah, because I think it's very easy to project out. If I were in your position, here's what I would've done, and the fact that you haven't done that must mean that you are careless, selfish, whatever other things I might. Layer onto that,

Speaker 11:

uh,

Stephanie Rigg:

then go and feel sorry for myself, make you bad, and then you get defensive and off we go into our very, very predictable pattern of, you know, attack, defend. And we end up both feeling worse off for it.

Alyssa Audio:

Exactly, and I, I think I used to chalk it up to like, oh my gosh, it's the mental load that I just am carrying the mental load. And so you don't even think of these things and if you paused and thought of them. When I pull back and really look at, there are so many mental load activities and tasks and things that heat carries that I don't, I've never once thought about when our car needs to be serviced or switching our tires to our snow tires, which cheers. We live in Vermont in the States and so that happens twice a year and those, there's just so many things that I don't think about or consider because he takes care of them. And the prep for meals and making sure we have the food we need for meals is in my domain. That's one of the things I take care of for our household. And so I could sit there and just be annoyed and be like, could you use your brain for 14 seconds and not make me carry the whole mental load? And being able to step back and be like, oh yeah, this is not usually the bag key carries.

Speaker 11:

Yeah. And I think that like your ability to pause, have self-awareness, have compassion there, it just saves so much of that. Because every time we go through those cycles in our relationship where we play out the same fight, we've had you know, a hundred different versions of you're just digging deeper into that same track and it just. You know, collect more evidence in favor of the same stories that are not helpful. And so being able to just pause and actually find the, the choice point in those moments and go like, okay, most generous interpretation what might I find here.

Alyssa Audio:

A little Brene Brown there.

Speaker 11:

Yeah, exactly.

Alyssa Audio:

And the reality is we spend energy and time anyway, right? Like I'm gonna spend time and energy either being so annoyed with him and then being like, oh my gosh, Emily, I need to vent about this because he's the most annoying human walking the planet. Or I can spend the time and energy in the self-awareness, the self rag, and then ultimately the self-control of choosing my words, choosing my actions. And he, he, when I. Was like, help me understand and then what stage can to eat. He was like, ah, shoot. And luckily it's our neighbors, and he was like, I'll just pop home and grab those things and come back and not a huge deal and an easy fix, and I got to not live in a place of resentment while he was doing that.

Speaker 11:

Yes, freeing. I

Alyssa Audio:

Such a gift to me. Yeah.

Speaker 11:

Yes, absolutely. So, obviously a lot of your work is around the parenting piece. What would you say we get wrong as a society when it comes to parenting?

Alyssa Audio:

Mm. The idea that behavior is always a choice. That when somebody like is say a kid goes and they do something or they know they're not supposed to do it, and they go and they do it anyway, and they can tell you outside the moment they're not supposed to do that thing. The idea that they're choosing that.

Stephanie Rigg:

Mm-hmm.

Alyssa Audio:

Ill-informed what we know to be true is that in order to access self-control, where we can choose our thoughts, choose our words, choose our actions, our tone, our body language, in order to access that, you need to be in a regulated state. You need to have access to your whole brain. In order to be in a regulated state, you have to have tools for regulation that are readily available and that you know and can access. And you have to have self-awareness to know what it feels like in your body when you're getting dysregulated.

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

yeah.

Alyssa Audio:

So if I have a kid who's like, oh, I know I'm not supposed to hit my sister, or, yeah, I was supposed to do my homework and I didn't, and then I didn't tell you about it, and that feels like it's all on purpose. What I need to know is, does this kid know If I ask them outside the moment, what does it feel like in your body when you're embarrassed, when you're scared of getting in trouble, when you feel overwhelmed? By the homework when you're frustrated or mad, or you feel left out or embarrassed, or you're sad or you're anxious, if they can't tell me what it feels like in their body. When they're experiencing that emotion, they don't have access. Then to tap into the regulation tools, they may or may not know to then be regulated enough to access self-control. So often we want self-control. We gotta start with self-awareness.

Stephanie Rigg:

it, it's so funny that you describe that because I feel like that's a lot of what I teach adults to do.

Alyssa Audio:

Mm, totally.

Stephanie Rigg:

right. Like

Alyssa Audio:

why I do this work with so many different spaces.

Speaker 11:

A lot of the people who I work with, you know, struggle with anxious attachment in their adult relationships and like not really having a lot of intimacy with your own emotional landscaping. Very other oriented, you know, being very tuned into other people's emotions, but a bit kind of divorced from your own and not really knowing like what's going on in my body right now? What, what am I feeling? What do I need? Most adults don't have that skillset. So the fact that we assume that an 8-year-old should I think it's just like, really, really, and it's funny, you know, I have a 16 month old and. I, I mean, I feel very grateful to have done a lot of this work prior to becoming a parent because I think it's just been hugely beneficial in shaping a lot of how I approach that and a lot of the decisions that I've made, but. Even still, like I'll catch moments of frustration when like, you know, he's tired right before bed and just like will smack me across the face. I'm like, buddy and he like lifts his arm. I'm like, Holly, come on. And he just. Goes for it again. And I'm like, buddy, and, and it's like there's a, there's a flash of him knowing that whacking me across the face is not the thing he's meant to be doing, but like he'll just go again and again.'cause he is dysregulated, he's tired. It's the end of the day. Like, And expecting him to like make great choices as a 16 month old when he is tired, it's just putting those like adult expectations onto children and then getting angry or frustrated or, or creating some story of you are, you're a bad kid, or you're disrespecting me. It's just like wildly unhelpful.

Alyssa Audio:

Well, and you make such a good point that like when he does it once and then you're like. Sp, please don't hit me or I won't let you hit me. Whatever comes out next, and then he looks at you and goes to do it again. That's where we often think it's coming from a place of self-control that they're choosing this, but what we know to be true is, yeah, they're tired and dysregulated in the same way that just the other night I was in an argument with my husband, I was exhausted. I had had a day. And he was like, can we just pause this and like talk more tomorrow? I just think we're both like fried today and we're not moving forward in any of this right now. And I had the opportunity to just be like, sure. Let's just go to bed. And instead I was like, well, you're just trying to get away from it. You wanna run away from it because conflict avoidance and you don't wanna, and he's for the love of everything, holy Alyssa, can we just pause? And it's not because i'm like, yeah. Exactly like Let's go. And it's not because I am choosing that and saying, you know what? This is gonna be best for my marriage. My husband just asked for a pause stating that we're both tired, which is correct. And that we'll pick this back up tomorrow. It's not coming from a place of like, this is the best thing for my marriage, or This needs to be resolved tonight. It's not from a place of self-control. It's not a choice. It's that I'm dysregulated and not noticing it, not aware of it, to regulate and then be able to make a conscious choice.

Stephanie Rigg:

Mm. So what would've been the remedy in that situation? Is it like calling it earlier before you get to that point of dysregulation? Like what would, what would you

Alyssa Audio:

Or even just respecting him. Yeah, just respecting him when he's like, yeah. Can we pause this me saying like. Yeah, it feels hard to pause this right now. And yes, we can pause this and maybe that means yeah, but I can't just have small talk with you tonight. Like, yeah, I'm just gonna go listen to my book and go to bed. Right? I don't wanna talk about the logistics of the day or what the weather's gonna be or whatever at that point. If I'm still too annoyed to just be kind to him. Yeah. Then I'm gonna go listen to my book or listen to a podcast. Just go to bed.

Speaker 11:

Yeah, the gear shift from okay, we'll press pause, but I'm not gonna I can't just totally drop it from my system.'cause it's still there.

Alyssa Audio:

Yeah. I can't pretend it doesn't exist right now. I'm still very much annoyed with you. Yeah.

Speaker 11:

yes. Yeah. Which again, goes back to like different people, different nervous systems. I think some people can compartmentalize really. Effectively, and that can be like a, a great asset and also can piss you off if you're on the other side of it. Like I, with an ex-partner of mine, he would, you know, we'd be like in an argument and then he'd be like, anyway, I've gotta go do work. And he'd just like. Shift and go straight into work. And I'd be like, how can you be thinking about work when we're in the midst of this big argument? And I would create this whole story of do is this not even important to you? Because how

Alyssa Audio:

doesn't even care.

Stephanie Rigg:

that? This whole elaborate thing. And it was just not really appreciating that we were coming at it from very, very different places.

Alyssa Audio:

I will say that's a tricky part of parenting. And it felt easier when we had one kid because it was like, all right, we know he's gonna go down for a nap, or there's gonna be times where he's off playing and there will be times for us to just focus on each other and continue, like when we have conflict or there's something we need to chat about and. Now with two, there's so few times during the day where there's any amount of time where it's just the two of us to chat. And if we're in a conflict or I'm frustrated and the kids also have needs, it's not like, oh, because we're fine to have conflict in front of them and model it, but it's like we're in the middle of a conflict in my son's like, mom, can you come help me with this? Or my daughter's like pooping over in the corner in her diaper, whatever. Like we still have to parent in the middle of it. And for me that compartmentalization is so tough. And so what I've had to come to is I will say it and I'll say it in front of the kids so that when they feel the energy of the conflict, they don't think it's about them. And I will just say, I'm feeling really frustrated about something with you, Zach, and I want to talk about it, and I wanna find a time that's gonna work where we can sit down and talk together. I think what's gonna be easiest for me is to talk as little as possible to you to tonight until we can talk about what's bothering me.

Stephanie Rigg:

Yeah.

Alyssa Audio:

And to just say it in front of the kids, so that that's also modeled for them. They're not like, what is going on with mom tonight? She's batshit crazy and just like on edge or whatever, and they can see, oh yeah, sometimes you're in conflict with people and it's okay to be in the messy middle of conflict and not solve it right away.

Stephanie Rigg:

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's so profound and I think back to my own family system, which you know. Love my family, but there were plenty of like things don't wanna carry forward. And I think one of them was like a lot of unspoken tension. And kids are like so sensitive to that. And, and I was always so acutely aware of like. Oh, we're sitting at the dinner table and mom and dad are there some like ice cold between them right now, but we're not gonna talk about it. We're not gonna acknowledge it. And so that just creates this like hypersensitivity hyper vigilance on the part of you, the child going, like, if no one's gonna name it, I guess I've gotta try and figure it out on my own. And that doesn't feel very safe because I thought you guys were meant to be steering the ship here, and yet it feels like you are not in control of this. And so I've gotta be fine to counterbalance all of that other stuff that's going on over there. So I think that that what you're describing is, is really beautiful. And even though like a lot of people might, you know, instinctively that, that might sound really foreign to have an acknowledgement of tension and conflict rather than a, everything's fine. Let's just put on a happy face, but like, it's so obviously not fine. I think it's really respectful to our kids and our families and our relationships because it's really the trust is built through the honesty. Right? And, and like, I've got this, it might feel a little hard or uncomfortable, but it's okay. And, and I'm here and I'm still like leading you through this and you don't have to worry or feel responsible. I think that's such a beautiful gift to give kids.

Alyssa Audio:

One of the things that's hardest for me in life is when that like the interceptive sense, the energy reader of the space is like, Ooh, something's off in here. Or you can feel that energy being off, but nobody's naming it, nobody's talking about it. It is one of the hardest things for me in life in the same way that if I say like, oh, how are you doing? And you're like, I'm fine. And like it stops there and I'm like, no, but how are you really doing? You're like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm like, Ooh, you're not fine. And now I gotta get into this. yeah, because then it feels so unpredictable, right? If, I don't know what's happening here, but that neuro perceptive sense is saying something's off. That part of our nervous system is designed to keep us safe. It is designed to read the energy in the space or notice if, like I I had this experience the other day where. I was just like, somebody's looking at me, you know, that feeling like I didn't see anything. I didn't whatever. And they like turned around and this person was staring at me and I was just gave them a look. And they were like, are you seat? And so, and I was like, yeah, hi, yes, my name is Alyssa. But they, I could just feel it. And it's it, it's an uncomfortable feeling. And if they hadn't said. Are you seed? And so, and I was like, yeah, actually my name's Alyssa, but yes. But if they hadn't asked that, then I'm gonna create a whole thing in my brain of what is going on? Am I safe? Is that person gonna do something to me? What's up here? And so when that sense is heightened, when it is. In the driver's seat of our brain. It's there for a reason. It's there to let us know something's off here. And I, it is, it is one of the hardest parts about being a human on planet Earth for me, is when you have that feeling and just nobody's talking about it.

Speaker 11:

Yes, I am very similar and I think that part of that is, is probably partly being sensitive to begin with, but then combined with what I was describing, a family system where like a lot of things were there but not named and so like. The hypervigilance gets that muscle gets really sharpened.

Alyssa Audio:

Parents have never talked about a feeling in my whole life.

alyssa-blask-campbell_1_08-20-2025_200851:

ever.

Speaker 11:

I

Alyssa Audio:

so like

Speaker 11:

is what you do. Now you're like, Hey, hey mom, dad. I wrote a book. Maybe

Alyssa Audio:

so good. You're featured in it. Actually you should check it out. Some shout outs to you. My son, he's four and a half, and my parents were just staying with us for a week and there was like a little conflict between my father and my son. And later I was debriefing with my son. And he said, why is PA not saying I'm sorry? And I was like, oh yeah, I'm 36 years old. I've lived with Paw for 36 years and never one time in my life has PA said I'm sorry to me. And he was like, he never made a mistake. And I was like, oh no. He made a lot of mistakes. One thing that's true is that. Paw grew up in a house where the adults didn't say, I'm sorry to the kids when they made mistakes. Only the kids were supposed to say, I'm sorry. And my son has not grown up in that in our household. And he was just like, why? That doesn't make sense to him. And I was like, oh, this is so cool that that doesn't make sense to him. Because I grew up in that household, right? Where like it was believed that the adults did not. Apologize that only the kids did, and Oh man. Just the gift of repair, first of all, as a parent, that there's not a lot of guilt that I carry through the world and I. Hold Currently, I would say zero shame in terms of who I am as a parent, and it's not because I'm a perfect parent, but because I am quick to repair, I will pop in and be like, oh man, when we were coming in from outside, I was so overwhelmed and I was not kind to you and that wasn't okay. I'm sorry. Next time I'm overwhelmed, I'm gonna try to calm my body so I can be kind. And that's it. And just move forward. And again, 36 years, not one of those, not one of those.

Speaker 11:

I love that you say that because I was having this exact conversation with my partner a few days ago that you know, obviously the parenting space is very polarized and like a lot of people have a lot of charge. I take my hat off to you doing this stuff publicly.'cause when there are moments where I'm like, I, I personally find. All things parenting. Very interesting. And I'm like, maybe I could do some training in that. And then I'm like, I dunno if I'm brave enough I don't know if my nervous system can handle expressing opinions in public about parenting.'cause boy, when you read a few comments sections, it's just wow, okay.

Alyssa Audio:

I just don't write the comment section.

Speaker 11:

Yes. Smart.

Alyssa Audio:

Or you just read the comment section and you see their like shadows. You see their challenges, you see what happened to them. And I'm like, ah. At this point I mostly just see'em with compassion.

Speaker 11:

Yeah, I think it's a lot of people who care a lot and so are very naturally defensive of the rightness of their way because no one wants to feel like they're being a bad parent, right? Everyone's trying really hard. And so the idea of I'm trying so hard and am I getting it wrong? That's really hard to hold, so it's much easier to make someone else wrong or, or, you know, Be critical or judgmental of, of other people's approaches. But. What you were saying around the shame thing. I was having that same conversation that like, I feel so comfortable as a parent and like I, I said exactly that. Like I have zero guilt or shame around parenting. And I think part of that is I feel 100% comfortable with the choices that we've made and the way that we approach it. And, and like it's not about perfection at all, but it's just there is a value alignment there that makes it feel easeful even when it's not easy. And I think that that's a really beautiful thing because, you know.

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

you know.

Speaker 11:

To, to what I was just saying about the comment section, I think that people who have kind of internal fractures around all of this stuff, like that's where the sensitivity comes from a lot of the time, is where you maybe don't have the self trust, to fully back the choices that you've made or the way you've approached something, you don't have the confidence. And so, you know, as with anything, I think we get triggered by things that maybe mirror our deepest fears or insecurities about. Ourselves. And so if we perceive a shortcoming in the way we're doing something and then that gets, you know, our mirror gets held up to that in someone else and what they're saying or doing, then that's where we're very quick to react.

Alyssa Audio:

I. Totally agree and will say that I do experience guilt in parenting. For me, guilt is that is the emotion that lets me know when I'm out of values alignment when I do lose my cool with my kids, or I feel like it's skyrocketed more for me. When I had my second and I'd be nursing my second and my first needed something and I felt like I couldn't meet both of their needs at the same time and would feel guilty for choosing somebody, even if I knew yeah, he can wait a minute and that'll be okay. Like he'll be okay. I still would experience guilt there of ugh, if I wasn't nursing her, I could go and just tend to his need right now. And so I definitely experienced guilt, but it, it is not an emotion that carries all day that like when I state it, when I say, man, you really need me right now and I'm nursing your sister, and we both have to wait until I can come and help you with that. Gosh, that feels hard right now when I can just state that the guilt. It is, it feels like seen, I feel and then it dissipates. Yeah, exactly. And shame for me is the like, oh my gosh, I'm such a bad mom. The I am statements and that I don't feel like I live with as a parent. Live with it in definitely other ways. There is for sure shame inside this body, but it is not in relationship to parenthood for the most part.

Speaker 11:

yeah, yeah. And I, I think, thank you for making that distinction. And again, I was only having that conversation the other day that like, I've only got the one child, but. We will probably look to have another. And I was saying, like a part of me that has resistance to that is the anticipation of the guilt of having to divide myself. Because, you know, something that's really guided a lot of my, the way I think about parenting is I think putting yourself in the, in the position of your child. You know, when it comes to something like. Their sense of safety, emotional safety, physical safety. Like I think we, we think of safety in really objective senses a lot of the time. It's like, yeah, they're safe, they're fine. Like all of their, you know, key physical needs are tended to they'll, they're fine. Um, and it's like, yeah, but put yourself in the shoes of a, a 1-year-old. What's their view of the world and, and what's going on? And I'm like, that's a very different picture. I mean by the time that I, you know, if I have another kid, he'll probably have more capacity to understand that. But still there's this sense of like, I wish you had more context for things so that you know, from your sweet little point of view, like you understood this more because there's, there is heartbreak there in being everything to this little person and then bringing someone el, you know, bringing a new baby into their mix. It's like that. I can imagine that as a transition is a lot.

Alyssa Audio:

It's a lot. It's a lot I think especially when, when you're parenting in a way where meeting emotional needs. I, I grew up in a household where having a roof over our head and food on the table and parents who honestly showed up to everything they were at, I, I. Was a multi-sport athlete and I was president of student council and all these things, and they were at everything. They showed up to everything. Our meals were taken care of. We had clothes and all that jazz. And for them that was what they saw as success in their job as a parent and being there and meeting those emotional needs or the connection needs, feeling, making sure we felt seen and valued and worthy was not what they viewed as their job. It's not what they experienced when they grew up. And so for them, I'd imagine that the shift, I'm one of five kids, the shift, as they added, kids felt as long as they could meet those physical needs for us and that we were physically safe, that great they were doing it. And I wonder if my mom like.

Speaker 14:

scale look

Alyssa Audio:

Yeah, legit. I wonder if my mom experienced less guilt because the standards are kind of different, right? Where like I'm parenting in a way where it feels really important to me to meet my son's emotional needs and needs for connection and to feel seen and valued. And that's in addition to the roof over the head and the food on the table and the clothes on his back and all that jazz. And so when his sister came. My capacity and ability to meet those emotional needs all the time shifted

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

Hmm.

Alyssa Audio:

that I wonder if my mom experienced that or not. You know what I

Speaker 11:

Yeah. And it, it is, I think like that generation of parenting, and I think a lot of people still parent this way. There's the backlash against.

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

co.

Speaker 11:

You know, that's coddling children or like you're gonna turn them all into a snowflake. That whole kind of narrative. And I, I think it's funny, right?

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

Because so much of the research, as I understand it, and you'll be able to talk to this, is that like, that's how resilience is actually craft, like true resilience is crafted, through. Being able to be present with hard things and stay with them and like co-regulate, create safety. That's what then allows a child to become an adult who can hold themselves through difficult emotions rather than numbing out or reaching for any number of things to try and get away from bad feelings that they never really learned how to, to be with and hold.

Alyssa Audio:

A hundred percent. I mean, you see it in the adults around us, right? That there are so many adults that when they're having a hard feeling, when they are frustrated, they're either yelling, they're snapping, they, you're, it's coming out in that fight mode or an assertion of power or control or dominance.

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

hmm.

Alyssa Audio:

Or they're running away from it, sometimes literally running from it, or they're scrolling social media to avoid it. And I mean, my favorite coping mechanism when I don't wanna be with my feelings is just like Facebook marketplace or online shopping. I don't even need to get the thing. I'm just like, fill a cart.

Speaker 11:

Marketplace is great for that because you don't

Alyssa Audio:

I'm just like, is it still available? Yeah, no, I'm just like, is it still available? And that's it. I got that dopamine hit and so I, when we are able to be with our emotions and allow them. To be experienced. That's actually how we move through them. I mean, bless, I look at like our political system today, and there are so many humans. I'm like, oh, I wanna have you in my preschool classroom, or I wanna go back and get to coach your parents and just help them let you know that you're loved and you're valued, and you're worthy, and that you're enough, and that having power and control isn't what makes you lovable.

Speaker 11:

Yes. Yeah. I mean, I think that it's easy to feel. Like hopeless, you know, sense of despair, pessimism, when you look at the state of the world and like how not only in terms

Alyssa Audio:

live in right now over here in the States.

Speaker 11:

I bet, I bet. You know, it's not even just like at the leadership level around the world, but even, you know, broader trends of like youth mental health and all of the things in social media. Like all of that can feel like a pretty, you know, worrisome picture. How do you think about all of that? Like obviously I, I guess balancing that against this, what seems to be a rising tide of more awareness, you know, the kind of work you are doing. I'm thinking of people like Jonathan Ha and the anxious generation and like all of the work he's doing. It feels like there's a movement kind of swelling in the other direction to try and, you know, change. Some of these trends in a more positive direction. Do you feel optimistic? Do you have days where you Maybe,

stephanie-rigg_1_08-21-2025_100851:

okay,

Alyssa Audio:

Yeah. I say I largely feel optimistic. I mean, I didn't grow up in a world where emotional intelligence was buzzwordy and now it is. And how freaking cool is that, that now. It's in the zeitgeist to talk about emotional development. That there are schools globally that are looking at how do we support mental health for kids, for teachers, for the community at large, and as a human who. Oh man. For chunks of my life was like treading water to stay afloat, turning to alcohol or substances or coping mechanisms like shopping or being able to control things like food intake or looking at what can I have power and control over to feel safe in the world as a human who had bouts of that throughout my life. I'm like, how cool is it that we're talking about emotional development now? That's so rad because. I think with that, there's not a world in which we can't have positive results from that, that kids are adults are learning more about how their brains and bodies work and that emotions exist and that. You, even if people aren't talking about'em, that they exist and that you're not bonkers for noticing that energy shift in the room and nobody talking about it, and that that's weird. And that to me is so dope. I don't think we have everything figured out. I don't think every system has it figured out. I think we'll continue to evolve in that realm and everything will continue to evolve, right? Like the roles that technology play. As Jonathan pointed out, and I read the anxious Jen, and I'm like, also, I feel like there's a lot of fear in there and not always a lot of support or structure for like, what does this really look like? How do you as an individual parent navigate this? So many adults that I have connected with after they've read the anxious gen, just feel more anxious. And I'm like, eh, I don't know if that's solving the problem. But there are books like Power On Is out now. It's a new book and I think that's super helpful for managing screens and understanding them and, and all that jazz. So there's. I think as the world is changing, so are our resources, so is our availability of, of research and the ability to understand how things are shifting and changing and to kind of have a pulse on how to fine tune systems. So yeah, I'd say largely I feel hopeful because my kids get to grow up in a world where some adults might apologize to them where they get to have feelings in more spaces than I got to have feelings where they get to have some teachers and parts of their school systems that acknowledge that their brains and bodies work differently from the humans around them. And we're gonna work to figure out what's best for you. Like that's All pretty new and pretty cool. Yes.

Speaker 11:

Yeah, I agree. And I think that it's easy to focus on those big macro things and feel overwhelmed, but really the place where we can have so much impact is like in our families and our communities and the ripple effect of doing this work, is really profound. I would love to kind of wrap up by just circling back to something that you said earlier, which was that. People can hear about, like nervous system regulation and self care and feel like it's maybe got barriers to entry or it's like something that you're meant to do perfectly, that's meant to look really shiny and, you know, feel like, oh, I just, I'm, that's just like another thing on my to-do list or another thing that I'm doing wrong that I now feel overwhelmed by or guilty about. What would be like. A better reframe or maybe the first step that people could take if they were wanting to focus on this, but in a way that doesn't elicit all of those feelings of like overwhelm and perfectionism

Alyssa Audio:

this. I love this so much. So the nervous system is what I could get the nerdiest about in my life, and because I, it, it really impacts everything. And when I got to learn how my nervous system works and how my husband's nervous system works. It totally transformed how I got to live, how we got to be in relationship. So what I did was I worked with a group of occupational therapists to put together a regulation questionnaire. It's pretty in depth. You can take it at any age or stage. So you could take it for yourself as an adult. You can take it for kids at different ages. It'll give you age appropriate results and age appropriate questions. And it will show you how your unique nervous system works. And then what might be helpful for you for self-care. So. Just to get nerdy with you for a hot minute. We have nine senses. I talked about neuroception earlier, that spidey sense. We also often hear of those five sight, sound, taste, touch, smell. And then there are three others. We have interception. This lets us know those internal cues. I am tired, I have to go to the bathroom. I'm hungry. My heart's beating fast. Those kind of internal cues. And then we have prop reception. This lets us know where our body is in relationship to other things. So the humans who this, I have low per perceptive awareness. What this means is I like bump into stuff. all the time, I like always have bruises on my legs.'cause I've bumped into the corner of the bed or whatever and the bed isn't moving anytime it's in the same place, but my brain still is like, I can't cut that corner

Stephanie Rigg:

My partner, I'm exactly the same. My partner makes fun of me and I'm very tall, so I like to blame it. I'm like, my limbs are a long way away from brain. It's. It's a lot to coordinate here.

Alyssa Audio:

That's so good. Yeah. No. And so our, our prop perceptive sense, and for those of us who have lower prop perceptive awareness, our body's constantly craving propper percept because it, it prop perceptive input to let us know where our body is in relationship to other things. So we are humans. We might enjoy co-sleeping. We might like to have that baby on our body or to hold our partner's hand or to kind of snuggle up. Or I could have a massage for four days and I'm like, I want more. Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah. And then folks who have higher proprioceptive awareness, actually my son. Hated co-sleeping. We had planned on it and he has high per perceptive awareness. He has a really big space bubble. Once we moved him into his own room, he slept through the night and we were like, oh, you hate being near us. And that's very much true to who he is. Now, he will say he likes, he'll stand inside of a hula hoop. And he's like, I want this much space. And he has high preceptive awareness. He can bob and weave in and around things. He has a little like tractor he rides on and I'm like, oh my God, he is gonna hit. That fence or that toy, and he just bobs and weaves in like accurate a hundred percent of the time. And then we have our vestibular sense. Our vestibular sense is our movement sense. It keeps us upright, it's responsible for our balance. And you access this by moving the plane of your head. So it could be like dipping upside down, it could be spinning. My husband sits in a swivel chair at work that can go back and forth. He's vestibular seeking and so that helps him regulate throughout the day. I would get motion sickness. I am vestibular sensitive, and so we have all nine senses and for all of us, we fall somewhere on the spectrum for each of them from sensitive to seeking. So it either drains us or it calms us and we're all different. My husband is. Visually sensitive. So for him, if there's like clutter in my household or I am the annoying partner who's like leaving piles of laundry or piles of mail or whatever on the counter and he's like, just put it in a drawer, or just away from

Speaker 11:

It sounds like we are very similar. Like my partner is like that and I am like not really fussed about you know, leaving my bag on the counter, but sound, I'm like, oh,

Alyssa Audio:

too. I'm sound

Speaker 11:

of God, like,

Alyssa Audio:

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 11:

will play the piano and my one year old's like blowing on a harmoni and my dog's barking. I'm like, no, can't do it.

Alyssa Audio:

This is how I die. This love of God, Yeah,

Speaker 11:

I'm gonna kill you all.

Alyssa Audio:

Absolutely. And so my husband's a drummer and same, I'm sound sensitive. And if he's like tap, because there's always a song in his head. So he is always tapping something. And if he's tapping at 9:00 AM and we're freshly rested and whatever. I can navigate it. I have enough capacity for it. If he's tapping at 6:00 PM and it's dinnertime, then I want a divorce. Right? So when we're looking at this, what we're looking at for this nervous system is understanding what drains you, what recharges you, so that when we say self-care, we look at it as taking care of yourself so you can take care of yourself throughout the day. You can practice that self-care, recognizing it's not one size fits all. If I sat in Zach's work chair all day long, it's not gonna recharge me in the way that it recharges him. And so we put together this questionnaire, it's completely free. You go to seed quiz.com. Also, there's a QR code in big kids, bigger feelings for it as well. And it will help you understand how your nervous system works. You'll look at, you can see all nine of those senses and see like your plus or minus, are you plus two or minus two, and what does that mean and where do you fall? And then some ideas for what's helpful for you for regulation. So seed quiz.com. If you were gonna do one thing, that's what I do.

Stephanie Rigg:

That is amazing. That is a like way more, tangible answer than I was expecting, because actually place we can send people. It's not like go for a walk once a day. It's do this quiz and find out. Like it's, you know, it feels like the next step that then provides like a really, really personalized next step after that. So that's amazing. We'll definitely link all of that in the show notes as well. Uh alyssa, I feel like we could keep talking for a really long time about a lot different things, but I know that it's getting late your time. Where can people find you? Your book I think will be coming out pretty much the day that this episode airs. So that's big kids', bigger feelings. so imagine people can find that wherever they find books where else can they find you, what's best if they want to connect more deeply with your work?

Alyssa Audio:

Yeah, so big kids, bigger feelings is like the five to 12-year-old range if you have kiddos and tiny humans, big emotions is like kind of that birth to six, seven-ish range and, I also read the audio book for both of those. It's available in audio as well, and I hang out at seed and so seed dot and dot. So SEW over on Instagram and then seed. And so SE w.org is like our mothership where all of our resources are as well. Yeah. And we have a podcast voices of Your Village. I drop an episode every Thursday.

Speaker 11:

Amazing. Well, we will link all of that for people to go and connect with you further. Thank you so much, Alicia. It has been absolutely delightful chatting with you. With you.

Alyssa Audio:

Thank you so much for having me. I also could have hung forever if it wasn't 9:00 PM my time.

Stephanie Rigg:

I'll let you go to bed. Thanks, Alyssa.

Speaker 19:

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things, attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at Stephanie under Reig or@stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.