Authentic communication INVOLVES conflict

In my life, I am learning so much about how honest dialogue involves conflict. I am learning to not run from conflict, but rather use its presence in my life as an indicator that I am doing something right. 

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

I've been learning a lot about conflict in my life in the last few months and I wanted to just make a solo episode sharing what that experience has been like, in hopes that the things that I've experienced and the things I've put together would be helpful to you in your life. The things that I've experienced, the things I've put together, would be helpful to you in your life. The thing that I'm learning so much about conflict is conflict is a part of life. Conflict is a part of life. Trying to live a life where communication with other people is void of conflict is it's not only impossible I mean, it is possible. I have done it for a long time but it's so deeply inauthentic. And what I'm just learning recently is that conflict is actually unavoidable when you're showing up as your authentic self in relationship with other people, and that not having conflict isn't so much desirable, but it's something that's not real. A fugazi, it's like the word perfection. Not having conflict doesn't exist. Not being in conflict with people as a part of life doesn't exist. Conflict is natural. For me. That's such an amazing insight, such an amazing epiphany of sorts. Me, that's such an amazing insight, such an amazing epiphany of sorts.

Speaker 1 2:09

As a longtime people pleaser performer. I've always, always prided myself on how easily I got along with people and how happy I was with people and how agreeable I was with people. That's always been a huge part of my own personal identity. Conflict, my ability to never be in conflict with other people was something that I really prided myself on. I thought it was like a skill that I was just so damn likable and so easy to get along with. But when in reality, I was just being fake, I was just being fake, I wasn't being authentic with the way that I showed up. The other thing that I'm learning is that it's not the end of the world to be in conflict with somebody. Like that's really cool to me, like I'm getting comfortable with the idea of people being unhappy with me. There was like this deep visceral feeling in my body that didn't allow me to feel comfortable. Not so much comfortable I'm not comfortable with people being upset with me per se, I don't prefer it but there was this deep reaction, fear, this clamoring to like fawn over somebody or to try to reconcile the tension when there was conflict, the tension when there was conflict, and that's changed a lot. Like I can be in conflict with somebody and then go ahead and eat lunch and not feel stressed, not feel like the world is up in shambles, not feel like my reputation is hanging by a thread, not feel like I need to brainstorm to figure out how to make sure this person will like me. That's another part too, and I know this is a little bit rambly, so I hope you're enjoying it. I hope you're getting some value from it. I hope that you get some value from this.

Speaker 1 4:22

That's another thing too is that I found so much of my feeling of like, being proud of myself, my feeling of like man I'm really proud of the person that I am more and more now on the sense of clarity that I have on what's true for me and my ability and intention to communicate that to those around me, to do it in a way that's respectful and loving and at the same time, as unwavering in the truth that I feel like not being nice in terms of like, being fake and beating around the bush, but being sincere, while being at times brutally honest and I say brutally honest I mean more like not sugarcoating stuff, not moving around to try to make what you're saying less of a conflict. I found myself feeling proud of myself less Feeling proud of myself less and less for the fact that people like me and more and more for the feeling that I know that I'm representing my honest, authentic reaction to these moments, to people around me, and I'm starting to hang my hat on being the kind of person, being the kind of man, specifically, that people can trust. Not necessarily someone that people like, and it's not because I don't care if people like me I definitely do, but I can't control if people like me or not. Being trustworthy, though, to me feels like such a more within-my-control virtue, and it's interesting to me because it's like being trustworthy almost requires you to ruffle people's feathers so that they know that you're a real person. Like think of somebody that you've never had any conflict with and never had any problem with, that you really feel like you can trust. That you can trust, at least for me.

Speaker 1 7:00

There's like this sense that I've never really interacted with that person, and I'm not even necessarily talking about conflict in the sense of, like you know you can go to hell and you know, go F yourself. No things like I disagree. Yeah, I see where you're coming from. I don't agree with that. Yeah, I see what you mean coming from. I don't agree with that. Yeah, I see what you mean. I see it totally different. I think we should do this. No, I want to do this.

Speaker 1 7:35

Those moments where you're really showing up in a moment with someone else. They may not like it, but there's this general sense that they learn that you're a legitimate person who is expressing to them authentically how this moment, at any point, is landing for them, and I think that's really cool. It's like that's become my kind of like personal checkbox. It used to be do they like me? Do they think that I'm cool, good, do they approve of me? And now it's more so like are they interacting with the real version of me, and this has manifested itself in so many different ways, so many different ways that I think are relatable too, like if you wanted to kind of do an audit on yourself and see just how comfortable you are with conflict or how much conflict avoidance is driving your behavior.

Speaker 1 8:42

A couple ways that I've noticed in my life has been how I change what I'm going to say based on how I anticipate someone's response is going to be, and then I try to modulate what I'm, what I'm going to, or modify what I'm saying and how I'm how I'm doing it in a way to try to elicit a certain response to them or try to control the way they're going to respond to this. You know, like that just looks like me rereading text messages that I'm going to send to people. I used to do that a lot, like I used to not even really send text messages until a while. I'd like put it off. You know, someone texted me in the morning. I'd put it off till later on because I wanted to make sure that I was in the mood to text them back and had plenty of time to think about how what I was going to respond to them with, how it would land for them and how, if any way, I needed to adjust it so that that person could, so that I could not cause any conflict. You know this particularly pertains to conversations, questions, things that that did, you know, evoke a response in me that wasn't in agreement. It wasn't something I don't.

Speaker 1 9:55

You know I get a text message of someone that you know my response is something that it would create a conflict and it's not again, it's not F, you go to hell. It's like I disagree. I see what you're saying. Hey, I'm not going to do that. Hey, that's not going to happen. I'm sorry, but no, like those kind of things where you're responding to someone with a negative. It's like no, in general, dressed up in many different ways no, disagree, don't think so, not going to, I don't find that funny or whatever. You know. Like, whatever the, the N-O is that you're sending back and now, instead of waiting to respond and just respond there. A part of that, too, is like just showing up authentically and the fact that sometimes you're more energetic, sometimes you're not, you're just boom, you're putting a response back out there and in general, the theme is so much more, or so much less, rather, of trying to anticipate the person's reaction to what I'm saying and then trying to adjust it. It's just me responding and then letting it go.

Speaker 1 10:56

One of the greatest things that I learned in this area particularly, is from a teacher named Heidi Priebe, who says that your role with your emotions, how to deal with emotions properly. When you're getting resistance, you feel like, no, this isn't for me, or I don't like this, or I don't want to do this, or I disagree, etc. Etc. Your job is to feel the emotion, express it to the person and detach from their outcome, or their response and detach from their outcome or their response. Detach from the outcome and that has been so helpful, heidi, if you ever listened to this podcast, if you ever check out this episode, hey, what's up? Thanks for listening, but that was so, so helpful. Feel it, express it and then detach from the outcome.

Speaker 1 11:44

You don't have control over how someone responds and there's no need to adjust your truth, adjust your response to something based on how they're going to respond back. This doesn't mean not taking a breath before you rip someone's head off because they pissed you off. It's not talking about that. I'm talking about saying, saying all of the things I listed earlier, those no's and all the many different forms and just saying it and not being afraid that the person you say it to is going to not like you as much, decrease your status in their mind, be unhappy with you and those kind of things. That was one thing that I noticed a lot.

Speaker 1 12:29

The way that I respond with text messages now is just getting so much less thought about what that person's going to, how they're going to interpret it and how it might make them feel. It's not like I'm being inconsiderate, I'm just responding authentically. If you're a person who's a people pleaser, you'll know what I mean. It's not that you're being responding authentically. If you're a person who's a people pleaser, you'll know what I mean. It's not that you're being inconsiderate. You're just not taking all those extra time and steps to really, really, really mull over a response. I'm just typing it out and pushing send. And that has been so cool. It's been so cool because I've been showing up so much more authentically in relationships, even through things like text messages and conversations. So that's a good way to check and see how much conflict avoidance is driving your behaviors.

Speaker 1 13:17

It's how much time do you spend reconsidering how you're going to respond or react to something because you're thinking about that person's reaction and trying to adjust your response so that they can react a certain way? How often are you trying to control people's reactions via your reaction or your response? Another way that this has shown up is becoming really aware of how much time I spend justifying the actions of other people. This one's been really good. How much time do I spend making justifications for the actions that others do that I'm unhappy with but unwilling to speak up about? A lot, a lot, a lot Not recently. I mean seriously. This is I've been chopping this thing at the root, my friend, but initially a lot, a lot of time. And why? Why? Well, I don't want to bring it up, I don't want to say anything about it. You know there's a lot of rabbit trails we could go down on that one, but we'll keep it on the topic.

Speaker 1 14:34

Someone does something to you and you're not a fan of it, and it would be ideal for you to respond to them in a way that expresses to them how unhappy or how not cool what they're doing is, and you don't and I didn't. And instead of expressing and detaching from what you expressed, feeling the emotion, expressing it, detaching it, instead you get upset with them, frustrated, and then, in your mind, to avoid the conflict, you excuse their behavior and you justify it for them and you explain away all the different reasons that they probably could act like that. And here's the thing. Here's the thing, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 15:24

There are a million reasons people act like they act. There are a million reasons, and they're all valid reasons. That is not important. I hope you hear me on this, because this is straight from the heart. There are so many different reasons that people act the way they do, and that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's not about being right or wrong. It's not about that. It's about being a real human, expressing to other people how the way they're expressing themselves or how the way they're behaving is making you feel, it doesn't matter that that person may have all the different reasons or excuses that they're behaving in a way that's ruffling your feathers. The point is your feathers are ruffled and if you act like they're not, you're being fake. That's the point that has helped me so much. Yes, there's so many reasons. Yes, there's reasons that person might be acting like a jerk today. Or yes, there's reasons that somebody might talk to you in a way that feels patronizing or belittling. Or, yes, there's reasons that somebody might have been kind of I don't know. Fill in the blank, you know, but it doesn't matter that you can excuse their behavior. It doesn't matter that they can excuse their behavior.

Speaker 1 16:49

The point is that energy, that feeling that gets brought up inside of you about what they're doing For me. I've started to feel like my job is to express that and let go of it to to if it comes up in me to express it. Hey, I'm not a fan of that. Hey, that's not cool. Hey, could you maybe not talk to me in a way that suggests that I'm an idiot? Hey, would you mind, when we decide we're going to meet at this time, if you really prioritize that time? Obviously, there's reasons that person's late or is frustrated so they're being snarky with you or they, whatever, but that's oh, that doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about what's going on and the the thing that I'm learning so much that's helping me is that it's a beautiful thing to feel that and express it and then just let it go. Just let it go.

Speaker 1 18:06

Conflict the world is not going to be over because someone's unhappy with you, and even more so, being in conflict with people is a natural part of life. Is a natural part of life. Maybe a good question to finish this one out. I appreciate you listening to me chit chat. I hope it's helpful. Really it's helpful for me to organize my thoughts. A good question maybe to finish this out would be how much active conflict am I involved in right now in my life?

Speaker 1 18:58

Life Like how, how many of the situations that I'm having a tough time with, the way that this person talks to me this dynamic in a relationship that I'm in this situation with this person X, y, z, I mean. You know we're all stressed. Everyone you talk to has is frustrated, irritated. You know having a hard time with a couple different things. I mean usually involve people in relationships and dynamics that are strained and in difficult times. How many of those are you actively participating in?

Speaker 1 19:25

And the way I would define that would be you've expressed that to the person, you've directly addressed that situation and you're actively combing through the difficulties that come up as a result of that? Or are you taking people's behaviors towards you that you're not happy with and you're just tucking your tailbone between your legs, not saying anything about it because you don't want to be the bad guy or cause conflict? Ooh, the big scary word conflict. It will cause conflict and also spending your day justifying the behaviors of other people and making excuses for them and your head for why they're treating you the way they're treating you, instead of just addressing it directly and being kind about it too. You don't have to be a dick. Hey, that's not cool. Hey, that's not funny. I disagree. I'm going to say no to that. Not for me. You have fun. There's a million different ways you can say no to people and you can always do it in a way that's kind and authentic.

Speaker 1 20:52

I hope that, wherever you are in life right now, I hope that conflict is a tool for you to experience intimacy with others. I hope that conflict for you can become a radar like for me. Having conflict in my life helps me know that I'm showing up authentically, and it's kind of like a bell curve If there's no conflict, something's wrong, and if there's nothing but conflict then something's wrong. But if there's some conflict, then that means I'm probably doing my job of showing up as a real person and responding authentically to my life. So I hope that conflict can be a lens of sorts, a radar of sorts, a test of sorts that you can look at your life, just like me looking at my life, and saying, okay, there's a little bit of conflict, that's normal, that's actually a good sign. Okay, all right, I'm going to tie it up there for tonight. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day. Thanks so much for listening to this episode and I'll see you next time.