Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
2 months without P*RN (8 things I've learned)
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Have you ever stood at the crossroads of temptation and discipline, feeling the magnetic pull of instant gratification? This episode is about conquering that battle, as I share my intimate journey away from the grasp of pornography and towards a more profound understanding of sexual connection. The allure of fantasy had me chasing an unattainable high, but I've discovered that the heart of addiction lies not in the content consumed, but in the pursuit itself.
TLDR:
For me, porn was addiction to fantasy. Addiction to the feeling of more and better. It was all about anticipation. I've realized there is no catching that.
As I have healed from sexual repression, porn is a less reinforcing behavior.
The temptation to live without sexual discipline may never got away. The rabbit trail will always be there.
Knowing my vice, and waging war against is has been a springboard into a sense of purpose.
Pleasure is a selfish pursuit. Like "the reason for my existence is to feel as good as I can" is a bad way to think of things.
The desire for women, sexual desire, is something that I can feel through, instead of allowing to knot up inside. A spiritual perspective.
Sex can be about love & connection, not just entertainment.
Love just may be the most crucial part of “making love”.
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Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
Instagram/ Braxtongilbert
Eight Things Learned After Pornography Healing
Speaker 1Yo, yo yo. What's up? I know it's been a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, since I dropped a podcast episode, and I'm sorry about that. I've been very focused on some things in my personal life, one thing specifically my sexual healing and the area of pornography, and it's been really, really great because, with that increased focus, I've healed more, grown more and learned more in the last two months than I have in the last whole year, and, with that being said, I want to record a podcast episode about the things that I've learned. These are the eight things I've learned. The title of this is the eight things I've learneded After Two and a Half Months of no Pornography period. However, this is also the solidification of ideas and concepts and healing that's been at work for the last two years, really, though, have just been very, very dedicated, very much finally deciding to move on in the sexual journey of my life, and so there's some very sharp takeaways that I've gathered, so, with that being said, I want to go ahead and share these with you. There are eight. The first one For me, porn was addiction to fantasy, addiction to the feeling of more and better.
Speaker 1The feeling of anticipation was something that, no matter how hard I tried, I never could catch, and that's something that's become so clear to me about this addiction that started out when I was 12 years old and has persisted until really, say, a year ago and has been something that I'm finally getting off my back in the last year and in the last two months have really kicked in. There's this illusion that I always felt that I was going somewhere with pornography and other sex addiction behaviors, but for the point of this video just pornography there was always the feeling that I was on the heels of something really great and that reward what I suppose it is is. Initially, at the first exposure to the super stimulus of online pornography as a 12 year old, the way that my brain responded to that was like wow, I just found the mother load, I just found the absolute best treasure cove you could ever find. This is an unlimited source of of erotic material material. And the way that my brain responded to that was in this huge dump of dopamine, this gigantic dump of dopamine, feel good in my brain that I just struck gold. And my usage of pornography throughout the years had developed very intensely past a feeling of turn on and personal pleasure and release and was just really a want to get back to that feeling. That feeling of being, that feeling of discovering gold, that feeling of striking it rich, that feeling of of, you know, hitting the lottery, was the feeling that I was after through the porn use. And it's become so much more clear in this past year and so much in the last two and a half months months, that the behavior that I'm after is the feeling or the kind of the reminder of what that feeling felt like, and it doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't exist anymore. The feeling of discovering something new and novel was then the replacement of that. When the initial exposure was gone, it could easily be replaced and replicated with the feeling of something novel and something new, but very quickly that resource gets tapped as well and, to your newly found reward and to my newly found reward, over the years has gotten shorter and shorter and moved back further and further. The feeling of a discovery, feeling of anticipation, was my drug, the feeling that I was just drum roll, please, just rolling up on the next discovery, the next thing, kind of like a gambling addict pays money to feel the feeling that they're about to get the same feeling they felt the first time they ever really won a great prize and that's been something that's been really helpful for me really won a great prize, and that's been something that's been really helpful for me.
Speaker 1The second thing as I've healed from sexual repression, porn is a less reinforcing behavior for me. This one is really really cool. On one hand, discipline is like not doing something and the other hand, in my experience, healing has been like changing my relationship with that thing sexually repressive, household, religious and a sexually repressed religious framework, the one that I adopted for so long. The sorry, I'm losing my train of thought here. For a second I was like I'll just edit this out, but then I'm like, no, I'm not going to edit this. This is uh, anyways, in the sexually repressed frame of mind that I subscribed to for so long within the religion stuff. Um, porn was the forbidden fruit, porn was the forbidden fruit.
Speaker 1And so what I think is that, when I look back on my journey sexually as a human being, the reason that porn was such a reinforcing activity behavior for me was because of the relationship I had to it, which was one of don't look, don't touch, don't think, can't have, and I would think that that goes away through later, young adulthood and then up until I'm 26, now about to be 27. I would think that that would evaporate, fall off, but it hasn't. It hadn't, it had not easily. And in the last two years, a lot of intentional going inside of my heart, my soul, my sensations during sex, thinking about sex, feeling sex, sexual behaviors, really examining myself, has shown me how deeply that wiring went, that in fact sex was still something I didn't feel like I allowed myself to have, like I wasn't allowed to participate in that. And the more and more I've healed sexually, the less the uh behavior of pornography has a very, very powerful lure to it. I would imagine it's something like my relationship with food that is pretty healthy, I think, and I love to eat chocolate chip cookies and I love Five Guys, five guys, french fries and burgers. Um, I enjoy them a lot, you know, but there's not an obsessive quality to it and I've never had a relationship with it that felt like gas breaks, gas breaks, go all in and then resist, go all in and resist. So, um, yes, that is number two. The more that I've healed from sexual oppression, the less porn is a less reinforcing behavior for myself. So that's been really, really helpful, a very important part of my tool belt.
Speaker 1The third one, and this one's interesting the temptation to live without sexual discipline may never go away. The rabbit trail will always be there. I really hope this helps you, because this really helped me a lot. The reason I pursued the lure of temptation and anticipation and, you know, the ever distancing reward of sexual thrill, was because I kind of thought, I thought there was a reason, for I thought that in fact the hot light on meant there was donuts inside that were coming off the I don't know grill. But uh, I I thought that it was. It was a reasonable voice, a reasonable um, uh, caricature siren of sorts. It was calling me away. That in fact I would. I would kind of get to the bottom of it and, sort of speak, I would go pursue sexual thrill, I'd go get involved in that and and it would be rewarding as much as it was tempting. And the reason it was tempting and seemed like an option was because, matter of fact, there must be something behind it that is really rewarding.
Speaker 1And now that I've now I've started to realize that sexual temptation, the temptation to live a life without sexual discipline, very likely will always exist and the temptation is not something that is, yeah, ever going to go away and it's always going to be. If you look at the definition of temptation, it's like the lure to make a decision that is unwise the lure to make a decision that is unwise. And so temptation itself is going to persist throughout my life and its presence is not something to be fixed. That's kind of what I'm trying to say. To be chased down and satisfied so it doesn't exist anymore. It's an ever-present caricature in my story Temptation, the temptation to do things, to participate in things, to behave in ways that derail me from a life that is more meaningful, has purpose, is nourishing, is loving, etc. So that's number three.
Speaker 1Number four Knowing my vice and waging war against it, has been a springboard into a sense of purpose. It's like one of the reasons that I used so often was because I thought, oh, but it's so good, it seems so alluring, it seems so intriguing, and that is kind of like the last point. It's true, no one's going to blame you for that, man. If porn's your thing, if sex addiction is your thing, going after it, pursuing it, wanting it, is a feature of life. It comes with the territory, it comes with being alive, having proclivities towards things that can derail you. And I've found myself beginning to make sense of it by saying that, in fact, the sex addiction, the porn addiction, isn't a problem, it's not a bug, it's not a fuck-up of my life Sorry for the language, it's not a problem, it's part of my life and everybody has something.
Speaker 1The way I think about this is everybody has their vice, everyone has their thing that they, if they didn't apply themselves to the best of their abilities, would very easily fall into a unhealthy relationship with that thing. And so, in fact, the problem, braxton, isn't that you have a vice, braxton, isn't that you have a vice. The problem isn't that you struggle with something. That's not the problem you, that's the, that's the. The first step is to do that, to identify what it is, what your antagonist is in your life story, that is trying that. That has the potential. I won't give it agency, you know, but as it has the potential, I won't give it agency, but it has the potential to throw you off course. Identifying that as first. The second part is to then wage war against it, to say pornography, sex addiction, alcoholism, drug use, whatever it is that you've identified as your vice.
Speaker 1What I've found is that in fact I've started to cultivate a strength, a stability. I've got a wristband that I made for myself that says devotion on it, that reminds me that the deepest, most beautiful sexual relationship with my partner, as a byproduct of devoting my sexual energy to my beloved, and that constant call, the vice, throughout the past year, and especially the last two and a half months, the constant call and noticing it as being the vice that has the potential to throw me off course, and not feeling in a pity party about that by going, oh, if I didn't have this thing, this problem, then I could really live unhindered. In fact, it's through this problem not that it's through this antagonist or antagonistic relationship with this thing that I can really really strengthen myself. And if being challenged and being tried is the source of strength, then in fact this vice, although at face value has the potential to destroy my life. It, if approached and challenged directly, has all of the growth that I has, so much growth that would make sorry, somebody just texted me so much growth in it as a byproduct of wrestling with it. And in fact it becomes my I don't know if use is the right word, but it becomes the source of my strength. Yeah, hope that makes sense. That one's helped me a lot. Okay, last four Pleasure is a selfish pursuit, jesus Christ, sorry, pleasure is a selfish pursuit, jesus christ.
Speaker 1Sorry, I apologize about this. I'm going to cut that off. Um, pleasure is a selfish pursuit, like the reason for my existence is to feel as good as I can is a bad way to think of things. This ties into a couple of the reasons above the allure of temptation. It's logical, it makes sense.
Speaker 1Why do you want to go and watch porn? Why do you want to go and participate in your vice? Oh, come on, man, it feels so good, it's so entertaining, it's so exciting, it's so juicy in my brain, it's so nice. I want to do it, and in fact it is. No one's going to blame you for that. But then the question comes up why are you doing that?
Speaker 1Oh, because it feels so good, it'd be so nice, and something about that, to me, feels a little bit lame, like, okay, that's the highest calling of your life, that's the best thing to orient yourself to, that's the highest thing to align yourself to. Is feeling really good, like, oh, this would feel so good. You want to feel really good and you know hedonism, for instance. You want to, you want to optimize your life towards what would feel the best, and for me that doesn't iterate well. I would rather, um, I would rather feel that my life, though maybe lacking in pleasures, in fact is rich with purpose. That is what gives me a feeling of substance to my life.
Speaker 1I think about just like somebody sitting in a war for their country, fighting against what they feel like is evil, protecting their family. There's this deep sense of purpose to what they're doing and, even though they might be eating saltine crackers and drinking water and sitting behind a rifle for 24 hours a day, there's this sensation that says I am doing this for the love, the protection, a purpose and pleasure. I'm doing this because it feels good to me, feels very selfish to me, it feels very like, you know, just curling my attention into my body and, um, if, at the end of my life, I chose things that made me feel the best, I don't know, I don't I wouldn't be very happy with my life. Obviously, you could take that a step further and say well, braxton, if purpose makes you, if you prefer purpose, then that feels better than pleasure. Then dah, dah, dah dah. But look, I'm talking about orienting yourself towards a certain emotional state, a certain state in your body and pleasure. That would feel so good, come on, it'd be so good, it would feel so good. It's fleeting, it doesn't last. Purpose for me is more substantial, and so you know, the reason for my existence is to feel as good as I can is a bad way to think through things. Yeah, this one's interesting.
Speaker 1The desire for women, sexual desire if it's for men, insert men is something that I can feel through instead of allowing to knot up inside my body Sexual desire. The relationship that I've had with sexual desire has been complicated, has been complicated, but this one's really great, and I got this from a book called the Way of the Superior man by David Data. Essentially, what this means to me is that it's not the feeling of desire towards people sexually that is the problem per se. It's not the hang-up, it's not that you feel attracted to the physical appearance of beautiful people in a sexual way, but instead of feeling that and closing in on it which is what I did for years no, I shouldn't, I can't repressing it Instead of that, well then there's the obsession, where you just chase it and you go. I can have as much as I want and I can do this all the time until you kind of hit the rock bottom of that.
Speaker 1This one feels instead like participating in attraction physical attraction and also being grounded, being present and widening, really, really widening my sense of presence while feeling attraction. What I'm saying is that the third option that exists one you feel, you say no, you slap your hand, you repress it. The second one you feel and you pursue that appearance, that sexual person, that experience, really wanting satiation, really wanting the good stuff, really wanting to finally scratch the itch. The third option, as presented by David Data and the way the superior man is option, as presented by David Data, and the way the superior man is to notice into how you feel, to feel the desire in your body for that person and, while feeling that desire, to allow yourself to feel through that desire or feel through that person, rather, to experience the feeling you have of desire to the thing that in fact they represent, which is beauty itself, which is the notice, the desire that exists in you to merge with other, and this is an example of that desire. Get caught up into the physical appearance and trying to scratch the itch that will never go away necessarily. Or you can notice in a spiritual way that that is the desire for separateness to be merged back into oneness, for the self to be relinquished through sexual union as a physical, mechanical representation of that, but, more deeply, as an emotional and soulful example of the deep desire to be reunited with source, being reflected by or being materialized, you could say, through another person and your sexual attraction to them. That's been really cool. First sex was repressed, then sex was obsessed and now sex feels like a reminder of a deeply beautiful aspect of the human experience, which is separateness and the desire to be reunited and not having the proclivity as much anymore to believe that I can in fact satisfy that desire, but instead sitting with it deeply as a not a problem of life, but a feature, a part of life, a important element of this experience. And it's been a like a spiritual doorway of sorts. That's one that David Data talks about. That was really interesting, a spiritual doorway of sorts. The desire you feel towards other can be a reminder of the desire in our heart to be reunited with other, with God. A very cool spiritual idea. Okay, last two Sex can be about luck.
Speaker 1Now I'll tell you the honest truth. This is this, this is this is kind of embarrassing to talk about. I said this the other day to. I said this when I was on the podcast with uh on a Lemke and she was like that is just sad that that's a realization for you.
Speaker 1Um, sex can be about love and connection, not just entertainment. The groove in my brain that says sex is entertainment it's interesting. More like bigger screen TV, more colors, more sounds. There's more sounds. It's like more immersive, more interesting, more entertaining. More actors and actresses, more, as Chris Donaghy says, sexual gladiators on the screen, more impressive sexual acts, taboo, just more. Wow, wow, wow. The groove in my brain that says sex is entertainment. Sex functions as a way to entertain yourself, to stimulate yourself, to make life less boring, et cetera is so deep and so obviously my sexual behaviors in my life this is where I'm supposed to branch out into my real life sex. My sexual behaviors tends to fall in that pattern.
Speaker 1Something I've learned recently is that sex can be. This is mostly things I've learned with Alex A Walsh. I think the episode of the podcast is how to have nourishing sex or more nourishing sex. It's the one or two or three before this. There are other options of experiences to be had sexually which are not entertaining and really aren't as exciting and pleasurable necessarily, but in fact feel in the body like a nourishing, loving experience.
Speaker 1I'm not to say that the sex that I have had recently was not pleasurable or entertaining or exciting. They were those things too. Those were qualities of the experience. But the amount of the experience itself that was good because it was pleasurable or because it was exciting shrunk and the other. There began to be another player in the game. There began to be another sensation and emotional substance, as Alex calls it, which was the only way I can describe it was this Very hot, warm, hot, warm, very hot waves, hot lava that feels like it expanded in my chest and through my body and to and from my partner during sex, something that I've now more frequently begin to refer to as during lovemaking, and so sex can be about love and connection, not just entertainment. That blows my mind and again I said it's kind of embarrassing to share, but that really does like it breaks my mental model of sex. It broke my mental model of sex and now it's taking roots and parts of it that I never even conceived of, which is connection, connection during sex. Not just entertainment through objectifying other people, not just self-indulgent pleasure, but connection and feeling love. Wow, okay, this is interesting and the last thing that I have begun to learn Love. And the last thing that I have begun to learn love, I just feel it as I'm talking about it. The last one. I'm sorry, I'm not.
Speaker 1I didn't think I was going to feel all this right now, that I'm feeling Love just may be the most crucial part of making love. The feelings that come up in me right now are just kind of like coming home feelings. You know, how did you get this so wrong for so long? I'll tell you. Tons of internet pornography, tons of HDpornhubcom Insert, then the tangents from there, then the tangent tangents from there. Love just may be the most crucial part of making love. God, I feel like an idiot when I say that, when I feel like an idiot who's learned a lesson, kind of like the fool at the beginning of the hero's journey. Huh, yeah, I got that way wrong for way long.
Speaker 1Dude sex being an expression and then open experience or a container of sorts to be filled with love. How much I mean I? This is kind of how I want to wrap this up. Just propose a question to you, my friend. Thanks for listening to this, by the way. I appreciate it. I hope it's helpful because that's the only reason I'm doing this is to give this.
Speaker 1This is difficult to record. Hopefully you can understand that. I'm sure you can. Hopefully you can understand that this is difficult. Just a question to kind of wrap this up what is the intention with your sex and or your sexual behaviors? Pornography, for me, for the longest time, just reinforced this very narrow definition of what sex was. It was a very surface-level form of entertainment and self-indulgent pleasure. When you have sex, when you experience sex, when you make love, do you feel like your aim is to come the most? If you're watching this, you can see my shirt. If you're watching this, you can see my shirt. I had this shirt made after my podcast with Alex A. My shirt says coming is a scam.
Speaker 1Is it nourishing to your soul, like a weight off of your chest? Is it life-giving? Does it open your heart? Does it enrich you? Does it strengthen you from a man's perspective? Does it erect you as a soul? Does it make you feel full and strong or does it deplete you? Does it feel like a hedonic or hedonistic pursuit of pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, a high, high, high, more, more, more, more, more intensity, more passion, more, this more, adding, adding, adding that inevitably swings low. Does it feel like highs and lows or does it feel nourishing?
Speaker 1Not saying that one is necessarily better than the other, but have you begin to, in your life, sexually, expand your experience of sex to be past a narrow window of entertainment and self-indulgent pleasure and maybe, just maybe, begin to look into what is being created through you and your lover a space of affection, connection and love? So quite a few things that I've learned in this experience, and I will cut it there. Thank you so much for listening to this episode, thanks for watching this video. If you're watching this on YouTube and if you are right now on the same journey that I am on, I just want to encourage you by saying that it really does get better.
Speaker 1It really really does get better and you kind of start to shake off the fog and what's really helped me is just knowing that it will be greater later, while I'm resisting these behavioral urges to seek entertainment and self and pleasure at the expense of a deeper, more nourishing relationship with my beloved, through devoting my sexual energy. Obviously, I'm here. If you want to shoot me a message on Instagram, I would love to connect with you. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. Coming is a scam, remember that. And, uh, I'll see you next time.