I had LOVING sex (and it was crazy)

I am practicing approaching sex from a totally different intention. In the past, sex has been all about entertainment, and chasing down an orgasm. However, a few episodes ago Alexey Walsh shared with me a different model for engaging with sex, one that aims at saturation instead of "completion". I am learning to saturate in the of emotional substances that make up the flow of sexual energy (mainly love and connection) instead of just quickly reaching for sex as a cure for boredom. In this episode I tell the story of the two most recent sexual experiences I have had and what they have taught me about this. 

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 Oh, and here's how AI sums up this episode. lol 
 
 What if redefining the way you approach sex could lead to deeper, more meaningful connections with your partner? On this transformative journey, inspired by holistic sex teacher Alex A Walsh, we uncover how shifting the focus from personal pleasure to fostering a loving, caring bond has revolutionized our intimate moments. Join me, Shekhar Mario, as I open up about my profound experiences that have reshaped sex into an act of love and emotional connection, marking a significant step in my personal growth and healing journey.
 
 Discover how embracing sexual discipline and well-being has led to remarkable changes in my life. By comparing fleeting highs from substances like cocaine and MDMA to the enriching exchange of love and presence during intimate encounters, I'll share the importance of genuine connection in fulfilling emotional needs. Listen as I recount vivid stories of personal transformation that will inspire you to cultivate a nourishing emotional bond with your partner, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling sexual life.

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Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Yo yo yo. What up wonderful people of the blue planet of Earth. Shekhar Mario here, hope you're having a great day. Today's video is titled I had Loving Sex and it Was Crazy. I want to share with you the experience two experiences that I've had recently me and my partner with our sex, and how impactful it's been.

Speaker 1 0:31

This show has pretty much turned into a monologue, a monologue of me talking with you and the listeners about the way that I'm healing and growing sexually. There's a lot of episodes before this one that pertain to that, so feel free to bounce around, but yes, if this is not your first time, what's up? Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode. I hope that you are learning and growing along with me because, man, this is a journey. This really is a journey. Hasn't been easy, but it has been very, very rewarding and very nourishing I would say nourishing especially. So let's get to it. I had loving sex and it was crazy. This was probably two weeks ago. We've both been.

Speaker 1 1:48

I have been specifically working on healing my relationship to sex, moving my attention away from moving my intention, away from sex being a form of entertainment and personal pleasure to sex being an experience of love my partner too, in her own ways, has been working and learning and expanding and growing in her personal life sexually, and so the container of our sex is starting to change sexually and so the container of our sex is starting to change. For the longest time, sex has always been about entertainment and pleasure. For me, since I was 12 and discovered internet pornography, it has always been about the excitement of more and better and more exciting and more entertaining. And it wasn't until I had a podcast episode with Alex A Walsh, a holistic sex teacher who's based in London, who really really broke my brain with the expansion of what sex could be, possibly. What sex possibly could be.

Speaker 1 3:02

When I walked away from his conversation or our conversation with, was the insight that there was in fact a whole new world, a whole spectrum of experiences that are the sexual experience, and that one thing he helped me understand is that the one that's so often over-indexed on, the one that is so frequently really really focused on, is the entertainment and pleasure component of a sexual experience. We get this in our marketing, we get this in our marketing, we get this in our media. We understand sex is kind of an extension of consumerism in a way, and I know that for me, the messages that I've internalized and the way that I've come to see sex is sex is about having a lot of entertainment and really, as unfortunate as it is and as dark as it is to say, sex in a large way is about using other people's body, objectifying other people, for my own personal sexual gratification. Loving relationships, even within respectful relationships, even within beautiful sex together or sex together. The tendency to fall into entertainment and self-focused pleasure and how can I make this feel really good to my sensory, my body, how can I make this the most interesting and exciting and passionate tends to be the go-to, and the conversation that I had with Alex say, when I left, that essentially I started thinking like man, because one thing that he said was one thing that he said was he taught me about something called the saturation model that essentially the definition of sorts was sex is a space that you and your lover access, that is rich with sexual energy, sexual energy being a um, a mixture of emotional substances, of which the most important one is love and his kind of spiel. Or at least what I took away from the conversation was, instead of seeing sex as chasing down an orgasm, instead of seeing sex as just something to entertain you, to keep you from being bored and so that you can feel good. What if we expanded upon that and saw sex as those things too? Yes, but also, and maybe even more so, a space to enter. That is an extension of my love and my cherishing and my care and my desire towards my partner, towards my lover. And so, with that in mind and with that being kind of a conversation of sorts between me and my partner, we were having sex two weeks ago, right, and the intention that and I really can only speak from my side because she's not here and I don't want to put words in her mouth On my side the intention was I wanted to make sure that she felt my love with my touch and I wanted to make sure that my hands and my body and my penis and my energy in the room was focused on her and an extension of all of the wonderful feelings I have towards her. And so the sex that we started having was different. It was different. It was outside of that groove of entertainment and personal pleasure and instead it was much more focused on loving and adorning and caring for my partner, my lover, and I also felt a lot of beautiful energies coming from her too. I know that her intentions for sex are also developing alongside mine. And so what happened Seven minutes in Braxton?

Speaker 1 7:39

What happened? I'll tell you what happened. You listen here, I'll tell you what happened. You listen here, I'll tell you what happened. While we're having sex, we somewhat slip into this experience, and I say slip because it wasn't intentional, it wasn't. I mean, the intention was there, the love being the intention was there, yes, but we've never been, we've never have entered the space that we were about to enter.

Speaker 1 8:10

I explained this to my best friend the other day that there's like this, you know, rollercoaster of sorts in sex what feels good air quotes feels good in terms of sensory pleasure, the pleasure mechanism, what feels good I don't feel, anything Doesn't feel good. Oh, that feels good, that feels really good. Rush, rush, rush all the way to an orgasm. And there's like this, you know this just kind of linear, going up to an end goal. The goal is in pursuit of orgasm, and you know, alex say was mentioning why not put the orgasm on the shelf and and instead focus on transmitting love and feeling love and saturating in the beautiful experience of giving and receiving love, like what. That's different. So we're doing that, we're doing that, our intention is to do that and what happens is this sex starts to feel so good, but so good from a heart space, so good from an emotional, from a soulful space. The pleasure that normally is going up. As sex gets better, pleasure goes up. The pleasure almost stayed where it was, despite the movements and the thrust and the love, the movements being made. The pleasure wasn't going going, going high, it was feeling good and it kind of stayed there and the love. What happened, what started to happen, was this other thing started to feel good. This other thing started to feel good. This other sensation, it wasn't sensory, like a physical sensation, it was an emotional sensation, like depression or joy or elation or nourishment or love, and the movements of our body together felt as if it was expanding this feeling inside, it was swelling.

Speaker 1 10:25

In my experience in life the thing that I can compare this to although I'm not recommending that you begin taking drugs I've had times in my life where I've done cocaine and I've had times in my life where I've done MDMA. Cocaine feels very similar to the old groove for sex for me more, more, more rush, get more, get more, get more, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up up. That's what cocaine feels like. For me, mdma feels like this oh enough, enough, oh enough, enough. More, more, more, more, more and oh enough, wow. This is amazing. It's so amazing. The thought of more is not there. It is satiation, it is nourishment, it is enough.

Speaker 1 11:28

That's the way that I can compare this experience that we had wasn't about more, more, more, more, more. There was this swelling sensation of oh enough, and it felt like love. It felt like love and we stayed in that space, this space that was like ooey and almost sappy and like sloppy and messy, not of a physical substance, but this emotional substance that truly felt like it was getting thicker and more potent as we continued to love on one another and receive each other's love. It was like wow. That experience ended and we laid there with each other and laughed. I mean it was like what the fuck? What was that? What was that?

Speaker 1 12:27

Afterwards, we both shared with each other how much our hearts were just wide. Our hearts were open, wide and love was just beaming. I mean we felt like we were filling the room up with love and I mean, in my experience. This is like the MDMA experience. It's just wow, so much, just serotonin, I guess you could say, from a neurochemical perspective, love filling the room from my heart, from her heart, and we struggled to put words to it. We kind of were just saying you stay over there for a minute, I'm going to stay over here. I don't know what the heck just happened. What was that? And that was the first time in my life that and I have two experiences I'm going to share with you left the mechanism of more, more, more sensory pleasure chasing down an orgasm and shifted into this space of love transference. Just wow, I love you, you love me. Let me give you my love, let me cherish you, let me hold you, let me caress you, touch you, kiss. You love you. And let me try to extend myself further than my penis through your body and let me try to, let me penetrate you with my presence, with my love, with my attention, with my devotion. Let me do that.

Speaker 1 13:57

And, oh my God, there was a time in my sexual healing, probably a year and a half ago, that sex was completely pleasureless for me. It was a compulsive need for some anticipatory thrill. There was no real embodied pleasure in my body, sensory and I'm talking about sensory pleasure and I had really begun tuning into my body for a while, maybe a couple months and at one point, during a sexual experience, I began to feel these flutters of like sensations in my penis and in my groin and I said like, wow, I'm really feeling a lot right now. This feels really good. And so after that experience, I felt this pleasure build slowly into a beautiful orgasm and afterwards I laughed and said that's what I've been trying to get, that's what I've been chasing all these years. Was that feel good in my body? I couldn't get it. That's why my sex was so angry. I was trying to feel that. That was incredible. That was on a sensory pleasure level. This was on a much deeper level, but still the same words came to mind that's what I've been trying to get. A wow, that touched my soul, that touched my heart. I feel this is so gay. That's what I said to her. I was like what? This is crazy man, this feels so good, this feels so good. And I just sat there with it and I thought this is what I've been trying to get. It touched my heart, it touched my soul, it made me feel good, loved, it was awesome, it was awesome. And so that's the first experience.

Speaker 1 16:02

The second experience, the second experience Connection. One of the themes of sorry, I'm just I'm mulling over my head now. Should I have said the joke? That's gay, it's not technically correct to say, but it's just a funny thing that me and my friends say Anyways, if that was offensive I apologize, it's not my intention.

Speaker 1 16:35

Second experience Braxton, you can have sex from the intention of pleasure and more, more, more, more, more. Or you can move out of that and begin to experience love and connection. That was kind of the gist of what I walked away with my conversation with Alexei and after that experience that I just described to you, just told you the story of I felt like I had felt love, I felt love, and so another word that's come up in my life more and more with my healing is connection. Partially through the conversation with Alex A Walsh, partially through the conversation with Dr Trish Lee connection. Sex can serve a much higher purpose. That's what Alex A says. The only reason you think that the most pleasurable, most passionate, most intense sex is the pinnacle, best sex is because you haven't had sex that is nourishingly rich in love and connection because that, my friend wow, that's where it's at.

Speaker 1 17:40

And so I got the love piece and I started to feel in my life that connection was something that I was, that was important and that maybe, maybe all of the compulsive consumption was in an effort. Throughout the last 14 years of my life, with addiction stuff, all of the compulsive consumption may have been in response to a need that I had that wasn't being met. That was a need for connection, connection and so I've been paying more attention in my life to connecting and how connecting to my partner fills my heart and enriches my sense of well-being so that I can show up as a better man in my life. And short little side note, I would classify myself as historically being a more avoidant person in loving relationships anxious, avoidant, secure attachment style stuff. I tend to be more avoidant. I'm going to get my needs met by myself and show up with you and I expect you to get your needs by yourself. We'll both be these two people who don't have any needs that we need the other person to meet. I don't necessarily need you, you don't necessarily need me. I am safe, you are safe. That's the way that I've operated in terms of relationships, romantic relationships, and I found that, while that's safe, it's void of connection, and I've started to wonder if connection although it may need some skills to be able to do and to be able to self-protect, but also given in to connection and experience the nourishment I'm starting to feel that connection might be something that I really really need in my life in order to be a complete man and be able to step into my life in a beautiful way.

Speaker 1 19:26

One exercise that I learned on a podcast, modern Wisdom, was a co-regulation practice where you sit crisscross, applesauce, facing your partner, foreheads together, hands on the small of their back and the one with larger lungs, me as the guy follows along with her, and I breathe with her Eyes closed, foreheads together. We focus on connection. To be honest, connection is a little bit scary for me because, well, because it doesn't feel safe. It feels like I'm going to lose myself in someone else, I'm not gonna, they're going to encroach my boundaries, they're gonna not respect my sense of separateness, all these kind of things, which is, you know, typically categorized avoidant. And so, um, that small co-regulation practice of foreheads together, sitting together, that is a form of connection that I've found kind of weasel my way into. I can do that. I can do that and feel the need that I've started to identify inside of my heart for connection. I can feel it be met by a co-regulation practice sitting together and doing 20 breaths with my partner, allowing my breath to follow hers, allowing my nervous system to begin to link to hers, and I feel this new emotional substance called connection.

Speaker 1 20:44

Here's the second time, here's the second story. The other day, it's probably a week ago, I'm feeling the need for connection. Initially I'm just feeling the need to get away. To get away, potentially to get away to go back to old habits so I could self-regulate and get some feel good in my body, so I can return back to my relationship with my needs met. But I've identified that need to get away as instead to my relationship with my needs met. But I've identified that need to get away as instead deeply feeling of needs that I have, needs that are better met in my relationship, better met in relationship. And so with that feeling, I identified it as a need to connect. I feel the need to connect and with that new co-regulation practice on my tool belt, I asked my lover. I said could we do that co-regulation practice? My tool belt. I asked my lover, I said could we do that co-regulation practice, can we connect? And of course she said yes. We sat together, we breathed and it was great.

Speaker 1 21:39

After that practice, we're sitting there together, foreheads together. There was a little bit of nose rub and as we're sitting there, we're both enjoying the space of connection. And while we're sitting there, my hands, her hands, begin just exploring each other a little bit, giving some love, tracing with fingers on skin, nose, moving back and forth, a couple of kisses, and there begins to be this feeling of play within this connection, feeling of playing. And some kisses start to awake this sexual desire with both her and I. And there's no expectation here, it's just exploring deeper connection. We connected, we co-regulated with our nervous systems and then we start to touch and kiss and this feels really good. Does it feel good? Yeah, it feels good. We keep moving into it and this turns into sex.

Speaker 1 22:44

Whatever happened the first time, I mean cannonballed into this second time. The sex we had from that space of co-regulation and connection was so rich, so explosive, with this emotional current, excuse me, this emotional current that felt like love but felt just even stronger, more glorious. The most significant part of this experience. The most notable feeling energetically throughout this experience was my penetration of her felt. I mean, I have the sensory perception of my penis, I can feel my penetration of her physically, but there felt as if there was this extended sensation, wider and longer, almost the width of my hips, that as I moved through her I felt myself almost penetrate her on an energetic level. I know this sounds crazy, I know this sounds crazy, but it was. It was was crazy. I had loving sex and it was crazy. Um, yeah, that's exactly right.

Speaker 1 24:21

The sex that we had proceeded to have, the love we proceeded to make, the experience we proceeded to have for the next, I don't know, 10, 15 minutes was probably the most slow, uneventful, boring, even from the outside, looking in, if you were looking at my window, maybe boring, but there was this eye connection and with now, the practice of an open heart. There was this merging of her and I. There was this melding of her and I and it was so strong that there was no need to add in any showmanship, performance, aggression, gusto. There was nothing, there was no need. It was there. What we was no need. It was there. What we came for, it was their connection nourishment, love. It was so good, it was like you didn't have to try. I mean not so much you have to try me. We were intending to feel this connection. We did the co-regulation, co-regulation practice that is trying, but we tuned, we really got to the space. That was beautiful lovemaking, and there was no need to add to it. There was no what I feel like.

Speaker 1 25:39

In my past I've I've performed well and and and made up for this feeling of lack of love through performance and aggression, and there was none of that.

Speaker 1 25:53

And that experience was incredible. And I'll tell you what. That was more challenging to get to with the amount of devotion I put towards my own sexual discipline in my life and God knows it's been a lot of work in my body. The well-being that that experience created in my body was remarkable, was remarkable, it was crazy. It was crazy. And in my life moving forward, those two experiences will serve as Michael Jordan posters on the wall. They will serve as a muse of sorts, a North Star of sorts, a goalpost of sorts to say that is what I'd like to open my mind up, continue to stretch my mind out and open myself to experiences of sex that leave those deep grooves of pleasure and entertainment that I learned for so long, and experience sex from this nourishing sense of well-being and love together. I hope that by me sharing this with you, it's been helpful for you, too, on your journey. Thank you so much for listening to this. I'll see you next time.