Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Sex addiction has nothing to do with the sex
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This is one of the most important distinctions I have found on my way out of darkness of sex addiction. Even when I felt NOTHING during sex.. I constantly chased it down and organized my life around it. Why?
Here's an AI summary of my episode:
Ever wondered why some addictions feel impossible to break? Join me, Braxton Gilbert, as I uncover the surprising truth behind sex addiction: it’s not about the act itself, but the anticipation leading up to it. Sharing my personal journey, I reveal how the dopamine rush from anticipating sexual activities fueled my addiction, drawing parallels to the thrill-seeking behaviors seen in gambling and shopping addictions. This episode promises to shed light on how understanding this distinction became a liberating force in my recovery, helping me see through misleading behaviors and grasp the true essence of my addiction.
Facing the monotony of daily life often drives us toward compulsive behaviors for a spark of excitement. In the second part of this episode, I recount how recognizing the choice between engaging in these behaviors and succumbing to addiction was pivotal for me. Through a personal anecdote, I highlight how boredom can tempt us, but by focusing on healthier decisions and understanding that addiction was overshadowing the positive aspects of sex, I found the strength to make better choices. This episode aims to provide valuable insights, encouraging a balanced approach to being pro-sexual while firmly opposing addiction.
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Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
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Sex Addiction and Anticipation Behavior
Speaker 1Yo yo yo , my name is Braxton Gilbert and the title of today's video is sex addiction has nothing to do with sex . If you are brand new at this channel or on this podcast , then welcome . How you doing ? I hope that you are curious about your own or the uh or someone else who is struggling with sex addiction . So , uh , I hope you find today's episode valuable . If you're , if it is not your first time here , then yo , what up ? How you doing ? Uh , glad you came back . Um , I hope that the last episode or last piece of content you digested from me was helpful , and I hope that's why you came back . I hope that the last episode or last piece of content you digested from me was helpful , and I hope that's why you're back . So , today , sex addiction has nothing to do with sex . Man , if you're on this journey with me , then much love to you . I hope that things are going well . I hope that you're finding some clarity in the darkness of addiction . This concept has got to be the most liberating thing that I've discovered in this process , the thing that allows me to continue to chart the path forward , knowing that my addiction , my sex addiction , has nothing to do with the sex has been so helpful .
Speaker 1Let me explain what I'm saying here . I wasn't addicted to the sex I was having . The sex I was having was rather lackluster at best . It was pretty disappointing on average . Hence the theme of the entire experience over a decade . I can't get no satisfaction . I can't quite get what I'm looking for . Nothing's really meeting the expectation in my head . I'm pretty angry , I'm pretty frustrated all the time . The sex I'm having , the sex I was having , was not great , but I compulsively consumed it and compulsively went after it , to my own confusion . Why am I continuing to pursue something even though the experience of it itself is lackluster and I don't even really feel anything in my body ? I've talked about that before the lack of pleasure or even sensation period , except for orgasm . I'm not really enjoying this as much as other people seem to be enjoying it . Why am I still obsessively , compulsively pursuing yet again the next form of sexual rendezvous or compulsively viewing pornography ? Come to find out .
Speaker 1My addiction was to the anticipation of the entire process . My addiction was to the searching and seeking out dopamine set point that occurred in my brain when I was engaging in anticipation-creating behaviors which just happened to be sexual . On sexual thrill on sexual rendezvous , on booking the next sex worker or hopping onto a porn site . The constant rumination on that , in fact , was not my body being turned on and desiring a sexual release , but instead my brain feeling below what it had become accustomed to as its dopamine baseline and needing to get up to that place . I didn't feel good . I needed to feel like myself again , and so my brain constantly suggested a way that we could get a little bit of pizzazz going .
Speaker 1The searching , seeking out behavior of viewing sex workers that you could book , arranging meetups , watching pornography , searching for pornography , searching through suggested videos on pornography all of these different avenues were rich with this feeling of anticipation and that state , that bio . That I guess you'd say neurochemical state of anticipation , in fact is the addiction . The sex the actual thing had nothing to do with it . It was just what my brain had an experience with that was really really reinforcing or released a lot of dopamine and then was like , hey , we need dopamine , we know where to get it . Sexual behaviors , sexual seeking behaviors , more so than the sex itself , the parallel between sex addiction and what I understand shopping addiction and gambling addiction to be a really , really helpful , have been really helpful for me in this journey to understand that , in my understanding , someone who is addicted to the mental state of anticipation , that excitement , I'm going to flip this quarter . If I flip it on heads , you get $100 . All right , you ready ? Whatever you feel when I say that that like , ah , this is about to be really good , man , this could get really good that anticipation is the real , that's the kicker , that's the sauce , that's the bread and butter . And again , in my understanding , someone who's addicted to gambling essentially is just paying money through their bets . They're giving money in exchange for anticipation . Obviously , winning is great if you win a lot of money , but for someone who's addicted to it , the winning is not as important , which is , the addict has become chemically or cognitively dependent on the state of mind that is anticipation . And so engaging in gambling behaviors with really no concern over whether there's a win or loss it's not going to make a difference , it just delivers that feeling of anticipation . Same thing with shopping addiction the thing that you're after the thing that you're after the thing that you're buying . And again , this is my understanding , the thing that people who are addicted to shopping , or shopping compulsively , are after isn't the thing you're buying , but essentially , after the experience of searching out and seeking out the next thing they will buy , it's the anticipation component that is addicting . That's been so helpful . That's been so helpful For me .
Speaker 1The question that has cut through the bullshit has been am I horny , am I turned on right now ? Am I actually turned on right now ? And if I'm not , then I can be damn sure that in fact this isn't a well-aligned behavior . This isn't something that is a need for my body , a desire for my body , and then I'm meeting that need or desire . This is , in fact , just a age old behavior that I've had that says like we don't feel the greatest , we need a little pick me up , a little lift . And so then my brain goes what do we know that can give us that ?
Speaker 1And as Andrew Huberman defines addiction , essentially a narrowing of the things that you can withdraw , that you can receive dopamine from Over time . You know , over time you kind of ditch the other options and decide to just have one option . This is what I go to for feeling good when I feel down . I self-medicate with this . When I'm feeling down , I'm feeling dysregulated emotionally . I can get some feel good by doing this , and for some people it's eating , for some people it's shopping , for some people it's gambling and for some people it's sexual seeking behaviors . That is really helpful to me . That's very helpful to me because what I'm saying no to is not sex .
Speaker 1Coming from a somewhat of a sexually repressive household , as a young person , I have a bad taste in my mouth was saying no to sex , like saying no to sex feels somewhat sexually repressive , and that's something that I've not wanted to do , something I've wanted to avoid in my healing journey being , uh , using repressive behaviors in my attempt to discipline myself sexually . And so , because I don't want to do that , this has been my solution . Am I horny ? Am I turned on ? Do I feel a need or desire to engage in sexual behavior from my groin , or even from the desire to connect in my heart ? That's a newer one . And if not , if I just need a little bit of something you know , like people need a vape , uh , then no , I'm not going to go for it . I'm not going to go for it . I have a couple of notes written down . I want to see if I have anything that I haven't touched on . Uh , yeah , this is a good point .
Speaker 1Why would , why should you care about this in the first place ? Why should you care about this in the first place ? Why should you care about this in the first place ? Sex is such a great technology for love , connection and enjoyment Sexual addiction drains that when you can get what you are after , when I can get what I'm after from something that doesn't have a net negative on my relationships like sports , tiktok or endless YouTube videos like sports , tiktok or endless YouTube videos when my brain is ruminating on sexual behavior .
Speaker 1Today's been a day of that . My brain has been like , hey , man , let's go pull up some porn videos , let's go engage in these behaviors . That rumination in my brain , using my question am I horny right now ? No , okay . So what's going on ? My brain is in a dopamine deficit state . It's still , after years and years and years of that , trying to acclimate to a new state where there's not a constant dump of sexual seeking behaviors going on , which , in turn , create dopamine in my brain , which , in turn , create dopamine in my brain . That rumination is instead my brain just wanting to find something to get up and moving , get some wind in the sails , and there are other options that I'm finding I can do that with .
Speaker 1I don't have to go to sexual seeking behaviors . Instead , I can do other things . I can read a book . I've been writing a book . I can write . I can do some writing . I can get into a work project that's really meaningful to me . I can watch a YouTube video . I can literally just binge out for two hours and watch YouTube documentaries . I can watch a Netflix series . I can go for a walk or go work out . I'm finding , though it takes a conscious effort I'm finding that there are other ways for my brain to get that breeze in my head , to get a little lift in the sails and to feel back like what a dopamine baseline would feel like , and my diversification of my resources that can create that dopamine experience has been really helpful in this regard .
Speaker 1And why , again , why I think this is important , why she even cares , or why I care about this , is because I'm finding that sex potentially , potentially suspiciously sex is starting to potentially play a role in my life . That's mostly about connection , love and emotional nourishment with my partner . The feeling of connection , the feeling of loving and being loved , marinating in that , saturating in that beautiful experience , that beautiful sexual energy , instead of serving the purpose of entertaining myself . Um , yeah , and that to me is like yeah , yeah , yeah , like I can get entertainment , I can get mental stimulation from other options . I know I don't think it right off the bat . The default mode is to go like bored porn , bored sex stuff , like that's what we've done forever . Let's just do that .
Speaker 1But the problem is using sex for entertainment for me essentially no longer allowed it to be a useful , no longer allowed for it to be an available tool to be used for connection and intimacy and love . And so now I'm going . So this piece sex is better if I put it over here and it plays the role like this is doing something that very few other things can do in my life . This technology actually might be most advantageous if I put it in the for connection , love and emotional nourishment with my partner role . That's the like plug and play there . And then this gap now that's created for the need for entertainment and engaging things to keep my brain engaged . I can put other things like YouTube or doing a puzzle or I don't do puzzles where you know , I did some some clay sculpting of the day for fun and or I went for a walk of the day for 30 minutes and listen to a podcast .
Speaker 1The theme in my mind , or the little reminder that I've used every single day for months now , is anything but porn , anything but porn , anything but sex addiction , anything about anything but those sexual seeking behaviors for that entertainment thing . And so , whatever you want to do , go for a drive , go to a coffee shop , I get to do those . I go to for a go for a ride , I go for a coffee shop , go to a coffee shop , I read a book , I just fuck around and go walk around . I take my shoes off , go walk in the grass , just anything . Because , braxton , what you're after is not the sex , it's that dopamine release . So you can get it from things that don't harm your relationships with others . The addiction component sex addiction is just the addiction .
Speaker 1At least in my discovery , what I've discovered sexual addiction is the addiction to the state of mind , the neurochemical state of increased dopamine that comes from anticipation , anticipation of a reward . It really isn't even about the reward , but about the anticipation itself . Think gambling , think shopping addiction . And instead I'm learning . I'm learning . I've learning that when I feel urges to engage in compulsive sexual behavior , I can ask myself use the filter question am I actually turned on right now . Is this a sexual prompting or is this just in the brain needing a little bit of juice ? And most of the time it's just my brain going . We're just looking for something enjoyable to do and I can . I've began to negotiate with it by going like , okay , let's try something other than sex stuff so that we can reserve sexual energy , sexual interest , sexual engagement , all of those wonderful juices in the brain for our relationship , for our partnered sex , so that we can derive the sweet nectar of love and connection there , which might be more impactful than any , which might be the most , might be the best use of that technology . This has been very , very , very helpful . This has been very , very , very helpful . Anticipation is
Choosing Addiction Over Sex
Speaker 1one thing .
Speaker 1I wrote down the perfect anecdote for the boring passing of time and like when life gets boring when there's nothing going on , when I'm just working , when I'm just doing shit , I'm just checking boxes for the day and doing things that need to be done during the day , it's like , oh , this is so boring , it's so much more fun to go do this , so much more fun to engage in this compulsive behavior . And I just remind myself what I'm choosing right now is not sex and all the wonderful offerings of sex , I'm choosing addiction . I don't want to choose addiction . I hope that this video , I hope this episode , has been helpful for you on your journey . I really do . Like I said , being able to separate this has been really helpful for me and , being super pro-sexual and super anti-addiction , so hope it was helpful for you . See you next time .