Bringing consciousness to sexuality

In many episodes I have shared information on the mechanisms of addiction  - so you're better equipped to face it. We have spent time looking closely at things like dopamine, habituation, and self-discipline.  (Dr. Anna Lembke & Dr. Daniel Lieberman)  

I have for a long time pointed to these topics when sharing about my journey with sex/pornography addiction. But here recently I've started to realize the credit might need to be shared with a simple breathing exercise I started doing about a year and a half ago. 

(Looking back now I think it's actually made all the difference.)

---------------------

Here is what AI said my episode / video is about: 

What happens when you transform sexual obsession into a grounded, self-aware experience? Join me, Braxton, as I share my raw and honest journey from the depths of sexual addiction to a state of more harmonious sensuality. Hear firsthand accounts from my personal struggles and triumphs, fueled by insights from renowned experts like Anna Lemke and Daniel Z Lieberman. Discover how a simple breath exercise became the cornerstone of my transformation and gain a deeper understanding of the brain's reward system and the concept of anhedonia, which marked my turning point.

Together, we'll explore how shifting our consciousness can radically change our relationship with sexuality and enhance our overall well-being. Through practical techniques such as breathwork, mental reminders, and grounding exercises, we can shift from a mindset of scarcity and frustration to one of abundance and pleasure. Using examples from my own life, including a revealing comparison of experiences at a music festival over two years, we'll highlight how these internal shifts can transform external stimuli from sources of suffering into enriching gifts. Tune in to learn tools that can help you reconnect with your sensual self and foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your own sexuality.

⬇️
⬇️
⬇️
Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
Instagram/ Braxtongilbert

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

Yo, what's up? Hope you're having a wonderful day. Today's episode title is bringing consciousness to sexuality. If this is not your first time tuning in, then you know my name is Braxton and this really is a video series or a podcast series, mainly about my relationship to sexuality, starting out in a very obsessive and addictive mode into what has now become a much more embodied and enjoyable experience in sex. And I wanted to make this video and this episode if you're listening on the podcast, what's up Because I feel that I have discovered a mechanism of sorts or a frame of reference for viewing sexuality, or a frame of reference for viewing my relationship to sexuality, which has been really helpful for me, almost unbeknownst to me throughout this journey, and now has crystallized into a, I think, a gift that I can share.

Speaker 1 1:02

I can crack open in a fortune cookie and say to you that, out of all the things I've learned, out of all the podcast episodes where I've interviewed Anna Lemke and Daniel Z Lieberman some of the world's experts on addiction and dopamine and Dr Trish, a neuroscientist or someone who uses neuroscience to help people with sex addiction I've learned a lot of, I would say, low-level tools from a mechanistic perspective of understanding how the brain is rewarded from the sexual addiction seeking behaviors, online pornography, sex workers, the same way that the brain is rewarded from gambling if you're a gambling addict, or the same way your brain is rewarded from shopping if you're a shopping addict, and that essentially, the more that you do, the less reward you get, and so your actions continue to increase and it's a vicious cycle. And so the awareness of things that are taught in the book Dopamine Nation or the Molecule of More two really awesome books that talk about these topics have been really helpful for me, really really helpful for me Ultimately to teach me that my addictive behaviors after a while are generated from a place of anhedonia, not feeling good and trying to feel good, and that sucks. They start off as something really really reinforcing and really, really pleasurable and really enjoyable, and then eventually, because of my abuse of them, I end up in a place where I don't feel good unless I'm doing them, and then, even though I'm doing them, I'm still not getting any real feelings of pleasure, as much as it is just a relief from the constant rumination and cravings. That is hell, that sucks, and so that obviously was somewhat of a rock bottom for me with my relationship to sexuality. That's encouraged me to say, hey, this is not fun, I'm not enjoying myself at all during sex and it seems that I'm obsessing over something and feeding over it nonstop that I can't even really enjoy I'm having it. So that started this journey, you know, about three years ago now, or about two and a half years ago. I say all that to say that I've recently somewhat changed my spiel, or my changed my potential soapbox. So I'm going to give this new soapbox a test for you, uh, and you can let me know what you think.

Speaker 1 3:25

But ultimately, what I think is that that type of I can't get no satisfaction. I'm chasing down this need of something that I want, this kind of hedonic treadmill of sorts, swords. I think that that is the world that exists within a certain level of consciousness, self-awareness, breathing, presence. I think that there's a certain lifestyle, a certain theme to existence for me, when I'm in a certain level of self-awareness and groundedness in my body and presence, and for me it's I want to chase down the reward of sexual addictive behaviors, most often and most useful pornography. I want to chase those down and I can't get enough. And I can't get enough, so I'm going to chase harder, even though I know that the small, temporary, little relief I'm going to get from my ruminations is only going to make this battle even harder in the future. I can't escape it. I need to find relief. This battle even harder in the future. I can't escape it. I need to find relief. That's the way I feel within the world of addiction and within the world of sexual obsession.

Speaker 1 4:58

However, for the last year and a half or so, I have been doing a breath exercise when I feel the pangs in my chest. So often when I see sexual stimuli, it causes this yank in my chest, a pain, a need. It doesn't feel like sexual desire, it feels like I need. I'm fiending for something. The only way I can think about it is'm fiending for something. You know. The only way I can think about it is like, you know, fiending for coke. If you do cocaine or something, you know, at the end of the night you're just fiending for more and it's not a good feeling. It's a desperate need for relief from this irritation and this very low, you know, place on the dopamine scale. You're fiending man man. You need release from this discomfort and every time I felt that I have strived to make a practice to relax my shoulders, take a deep breath in and away, give space around around that really sharp pain, try to dole it, try to soften it a little bit, give some attention to it, give some love to it, take a few good breaths.

Speaker 1 6:16

And what I've tried to do and successfully many times is move that frustration, what feels like suffering, irritation, that that's bullshit, I hate that way of living move it into my groin. Move that tension, that frustration, energy in my chest of need, neck scratching, irritable need, desperate need, down into my groin where I believe sexual energy at least maybe doesn't belong, necessarily limited to the groin, but originate, I would say yes, the groin. And so for the last year and a half I've done this like almost alchemy practice on a regular basis of sitting, relaxing and consciously relaxing my chest and allowing that pain to say like initially it was like hey, I'm not going to suffer, I'm going to knock, I'm choosing not to suffer here, so I'm not going to respond to that type of shit. You're not going to talk to me like that, so with this sexuality, I'm not going to respond to this. What is? What is really going on here?

Speaker 1 7:23

And the first time I ever did this. What is really going on here? And the first time I ever did this, I felt the need drop into my stomach and then into my groin and I felt from my groin that same energy was nice, it was like a warmth, it was like a warm energy desire, and it felt good. The first time I did that, I literally, my eyes literally shot open. I was like what the hell is that? Because normally it's just this irritation. I'm trying to go oh, I shouldn't resist, be disciplined, have resilience when you're tempted and eventually giving in. And there's just this back and forth. How many days have I gone without pornography? And now I'm in a binge and that whole thing. But as I really sat and felt, I felt the pain shift down in my body, into my groin, which where, when it was in my groin, it felt pleasant, I felt nice. And to me that was a big deal, because for over a decade now, my relationship to sex has primarily been one of yank, pain and demand for those activities and that's not fun, that's not being turned on, that's not being in a state of sensitivity and desire and warmth and pleasure and openness. So that was a great relief for me. And so over the last year and a half that's become a regular practice for me Breathing in and allowing the energy to move my body down to my groin, where it feels good.

Speaker 1 8:51

And the big thing of why this is important, why I want to share this with you, is, I think what I've actually stumbled upon is and please go with me here, please, please, go with me and just try this out, try this on for size with me here, please, please go with me and just try this out, try this on for size. I think what I've stumbled upon is that the world appears a certain way to me in my mind, based on how I am. Am I grounded? Am I taking full breaths? How's my breathing? Is it shallow, is it deep? How's my shoulders? How's my mind? Does my mind feel like it's clamoring, needing relief? Does my mind feel at ease? Am I able to find a place that says no matter what happens in my life, I am okay, I've always been okay and I'll always will be okay.

Speaker 1 9:59

That collection of sensations and practices, the breath, the mental reminders, I would ball that all up into a level of consciousness and I would layer it down to say, at the lowest level of consciousness, my body's tensed, my breathing is shallow, my mind feels clingy, it needs something. I'm frustrated, I'm irritated, clingy, it needs something. I'm frustrated, I'm irritated. And when I settle into this beautiful moment and I don't need something to relieve me of my suffering, my breathing is full. I can breathe, even with the pain, as I have for a while now, with those painful pangs of need, and breathe with and I'm here.

Speaker 1 10:47

I think what I've ended up doing is not manually shifting that energy down, but instead shifting my consciousness up to a different way of relating to reality and from this place of consciousness, in some way, from the place that says I don't have a need, there is no need, I don't need relief from this condition of life. From this place, as well as being embodied, I can feel my body and my relationship to my felt sexuality is greased, it's lubricated, it flows easily. From this place please hear me on this From this place, sexual imagery, sexual stimuli, sexual imagery, sexual stimuli hits me like a refreshment, like a warm ocean breeze, like the way you look at the ocean. It feels beautiful. From this place, that sexual energy brings up in me, through my groin, through my hips, through my belly, this warmth of desire, this beautiful feeling, almost like that warm ocean breeze, goes up through my groin into my body and from that place, sexuality feels not scarce and off-limits, giving way to obsession and hyperfixation. Instead, sexuality feels abundant and like a gift. Sex is not the problem, it's the relationship with sex as an extension.

Speaker 1 12:48

From the place I'm existing in my consciousness, from a low level of consciousness, sex feels like something that is off limits and there's not enough of, and I'm disconnected with the feeling of sexuality in my body. And so I'm chasing externally something that I hope to give me the feeling of sexuality in my body. And so I'm chasing externally something that I hope to give me that feeling of sexuality that I used to feel so much before all the addiction started. But now, as I've reconnected with that feeling of turn-on in my body, and now that sexual imagery has now started to be a reminder of the beautiful gift that is sexuality in my body, I feel like the abundance of sexual stimulation in the environment of life is, in fact, a constant reminder and a beautiful gift of vitality, of liveliness, to the part of my soul or person or personality or whatever nervous system that is sexual, that is creative and alive with pleasure and feeling. And so when I feel like today and like yesterday and the day before, when I feel a lot of craving, I remind myself maybe, braxton, you're feeling the need to chase down something that you don't feel is present in your body. You feel the need to chase it down and maybe we can apply discipline to this and say let's white knuckle our way through this, let's count the days since we've watched porn. Let's really just bear down on this and resist. Or we can ask ourselves what, if we can toggle our relationship with sexuality back to the place that we do through our breath and our mental reminders, that allows the sexual temptation of sorts of indulgence, of obsession or hyperfixation to instead be a mirror into my own sexuality, my own sensuality, and instead I can feel in my body the feelings I've chased so hard externally. This all crystallized for me in the question do you want to suffer?

Speaker 1 15:10

I went to the same music festival two years in a row. This is this past year and the year prior. Both have been significant points in my healing and sexual, my relationship to my sexuality. Two years ago I felt like I was burdened and I felt suffering by the presence of all these beautiful people, all of these sexually attractive people and their outfits, which are very sexually beautiful, frustrated me and irritated me and made me feel like I can't get what I want. And it wasn't a turn on feeling of sexuality in my body and a need for release. It was a. It was a feeling of frustration, it was the feeling of being reminded of something, and I I wasn't conscious of this at the time, but I don't. I need that. I need what they have to make me feel a little bit of that sexual turn on, completely disembodied, completely not feeling in touch with my own sensuality and seeing everything around me as something that I desperately needed. And so I felt like my eyes could not stop just devouring all these sexy people and this is two years ago. I like, literally felt like I don't even I don't feel any turn on my body. This doesn't feel like a sexually motivated behavior per se. This feels like addiction. This feels like literally just needing the little tiny dopamine drip of novel sexual fantasy as a mood regulator. This feels like suffering. This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't feel good anymore. It's just, this is not fun anymore.

Speaker 1 16:58

There was a great mdma meditation experience that followed after that right, investigated that feeling and I compare that now to this past year, at the same festival, where nothing changed about the external situation. Nothing changed about the a billion people in beautiful outfits showing off their sexually alive bodies, but what changed was my relationship with it and the suffering meter came way down and at one point I remember, I remember feeling the instinct to drop my consciousness and chase after, via my eyes and fantasy, after, this thing, sexuality. And with a breath and a grounding, short little just shift in my body. The question came to mind do you want to suffer? Do you want to suffer? Do you want to just, hungry eyes, stare everyone down and can't get enough, and feeling this insatiable dog chasing its tail? Do you want to feel that? Because that's what that behavior is, that's what relating to sex as this obsessive need, a second, third glance, need to stare down someone need those feelings. Do you want to suffer? And that felt like a spiritual question and the answer is obviously no. I don't want to suffer, and that was an inspiration for me to continue on in this way of relating to sex. It is from a different frame of consciousness and here's what I found Suffering with sexuality from one level is I can't get enough.

Sexuality and Sensuality

Speaker 1 18:48

There is not enough.

Speaker 1 18:49

I can't get my body to feel what I'm trying to feel, so layer on more stimuli, more novelty, more, more, more, more obsession.

Speaker 1 18:58

A layer up from that or I don't know how far the staircase is, but up higher than that is a feeling of sexual embodiment, and the sexual things in life remind me of my own sensuality and in fact, I can feel that in my body, and I'll tell you this nothing feels better than feeling connected to my sensuality and the way that sex in my life lands in my experience, when it reminds me and makes me feel those beautiful feelings of sensuality in my body. And that is what I, what I feel like, is sex, what sex means, what sex is from a different level of consciousness, and I have found a staircase that is breath, work, grounding, a couple mental reminders that have allowed me to shift out of a place of effort with sexual addiction, and into a place of consciousness where sex is a beautiful thing instead of something that's scarce. So, 20 minutes, a couple little things about consciousness uh, being a helpful tool and related to sexuality, decreases suffering. I hope this helps you. I hope that, uh, you got something from this. See you next time.