Understanding Disembodied Sexual Consumption (and the way out)

I have struggled to know how to best guide myself to sexual well-being. Indulgence, or self restraint in the name of being "good". That false dichotomy split when I realized there was no top-down rule that I could apply to know how I should behave, instead, drawing much inspiration from mindfulness practices, I have learened to simply check-in with my body to see if my desire is even legitamite or just the consumption tapeworm that lives inside my brain and can't stand to suffer a minute of boring, bland, challenging reality! (this is the case 99%) of the time. 

My line in the sand: no disembodied consumption!

I hope this helps you! 

-----

Here's what AI said this episode is about: 

Can the way we consume sexual content be as mindful as the way we approach eating? Join me as I unravel the duality of sexual messaging in modern culture, where sex is both sensationalized and repressed. I open up about my personal journey through sexual repression and the subsequent obsession it triggered, swinging between strict control and unchecked indulgence. By introducing the concept of disembodied consumption, I invite you to consider the importance of mindful engagement with our sexual desires, much like we do with our nutritional needs.

By differentiating between embodied and disembodied desires, I highlight the pitfalls of mindless consumption and explore alternative ways to satisfy our needs. This episode promises to enhance your understanding of how to cultivate a healthier, more embodied relationship with your sexuality, ultimately enriching your meaningful experiences.

⬇️
⬇️
⬇️
Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
Instagram/ Braxtongilbert

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Hello, hello, I hope you're doing awesome on this fine Monday. Thank you for tuning in to another video, another episode, if you're listening on the podcast what's good. Today's episode is titled Understanding Disembodied Sexual Consum consumption. My intention for this episode is to share with you the most helpful framework or most helpful reminder for me and my healing in my relationship with sex.

Speaker 1 0:42

I definitely there's a particularly difficult, particularly difficult aspect to sexual messages that I've received growing up. On one hand, I receive through the media, through pornography, through movies, music, that sex is something that I am and expected to be. It's a huge part of me. It's very, very, very, um, sexually entertaining, it's sexually inviting. And then, on the other hand, sex also feels like it's something that to be repressed and something to not be talked about openly, like these episodes are, and we can talk about it one way, you know, like the interesting phenomenon that, like putting sex in the name of a video will cause it to perform less well on YouTube. But the number one song in the world for a few months, on YouTube too, was what Ass Pussy by, I think, cardi B or Nicki Minaj to do was wet ass pussy by, I think, cardi B or Nicki Minaj. So that is a is a microcosm of the entire attitude I think that we have in America about sex. Don't talk about it, but it's one of the most talked about and central themes in our, in our media.

Speaker 1 2:26

In any case, my history is through sexual repression and the obsession that I developed was in a large way in response to the repression that I had adopted, and so in my healing I've seen that theme. That theme has been persistent of if I'm trying to tame myself sexually, it feels like repression, and if I'm not applying standards, guidelines, ground rules to my sexuality, it feels unbridled. And that's been mostly the two departments in my life. For the most part of my adult life has been repressive purity of sorts, and then unbridled expression Even unbridled consumption is probably the better word, not expression unbridled consumption, mindless consumption, and if it's sexual and I want to do it, then do it in the name of not being sexually repressive. And so in my experience with healing, with sexuality, I found that neither one of these is a helpful place to exist. Neither one of these is a helpful place for me to exist, and so this idea of disembodied consumption has been tremendously helpful. So essentially, what I'm referring to disembodied consumption is.

Speaker 1 4:09

You know, I'm working today and I get a ping in my mind hey, we should watch some porn. Uh, hey, we've got an hour of free time. Let's, you know, pull up something on the internet, or let's scroll this, that and the other, and the cue for sexual behaviors happens quite often in my brain. Okay, normally, in response to that, you go like either hey, yeah, whatever, let's do whatever we want. You know, kind of the, the mindless consumption, mindless participation. The other side for so long was well, if it wasn't that it was no, we're trying to, you know, be disciplined with our sexuality and not watch porn or not, fill in the blank. But that to me stays in that world of suffering. That to me feels like suffering.

Speaker 1 5:00

Instead, now, the question has been now for, I would say, maybe closer to a year, and it's been tremendously helpful. And that question is am I horny, am I turned on right now? Do I feel a desire for sex in my body? Because if I am, if I do have that desire, that felt need, if my body's responding sexually to my environment, if that is what's going on, then that's an embodied need, that's a desire that I feel, and so a sexual experience is healthy, it's mindful, it is proper. I'm feeling sexual energy and so for my activities to now begin to reflect that is proper, and not necessarily that a sexual release is required. That's a whole other kind of topic. But if I'm feeling horny, if I'm feeling turned on, then yes, some sexual activities makes sense. But if the answer is no, then there's really it doesn't make sense, it doesn't feel proper for me to do.

Speaker 1 6:11

I would liken this to someone who is working through their relationship with food and they're asking themselves oh, I've got two hours, so I'm going to go back to work, I should go get some food, I should go eat, or I should go grab a snack, or I should go and do this than the other. Cool, yeah, totally, we can do that real quick before we do. Am I hungry right now? Do I feel hungry right now? No, not really. Okay, cool, let's save the food stuff for responding to needs in our body. Let's do that. Nothing wrong with the food, right? Here's the beauty of this. Nothing wrong with the food, nothing wrong with my favorite food.

Speaker 1 7:03

But let's reserve the food for being in response to a need in our body, something we feel and that's the word embodiment, where we feel it in our body. We can feel the need, the desire for something in our body, feel the ping or the pang, rather, of the desire to not even the desire, the pang of need to watch porn or engage in some type of sexual behavior and asking myself cool, yeah, sounds good, man, real quick. Are we turned on right now? Are we horny right now? Is this what we're feeling in our bodies? Is this what's going on right now? Shut up, I don't care, I'm want to do it anyways. That's one of the first thoughts a lot of times. Hey, we've been on that road, brother, we know what that looks like. We know what disembodied consumption ends up being, and we'll talk about that in just a second. Yeah, no, I'm not really feeling horny in my body. I'm not really feeling turned on in my body right now. Cool.

Speaker 1 8:14

Another layer to this is this healthy relationship with my own sexuality. I think in some regard means treating it as if it's a separate entity in some way. I'm not going to force my body to entertain me sexually. I'm not going to force my body to produce sexual sensations in order to dole out my boredom. I'm not going to force my body to eat because I'm stressed, I'm not hungry, you know I'm not hungry, so I'm not going to eat if I'm not hungry. I'm not going to engage in sexual behaviors if I don't feel a turn on in my body, a desire. So, yeah, no, I'm not really feeling turned on right now. I'm not really feeling horny, cool, Awesome.

Speaker 1 9:03

How about we save the sexual behaviors for when we're feeling desire, when we're feeling turned on Right now? What do we want to do? Really, I'm just looking for entertainment. Really, I'm just a little bit stressed and so I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now about some fears or about some anxiety. Are there other ways we can work with those? And one of the major contributors, one of the major motivations here when I ask that question are there other ways we can work with those or fill those needs or be there for those things Is because, in my experience, sex, pornography, sexual behaviors, have been really reinforcing. It's something I really, really like. I really enjoy sex, I really enjoy sexuality. I'm really drawn to it.

Speaker 1 10:00

If someone's a really, really big fan of food and they love food, indulging in the thing without the need for it, in my experience, throws out of regulation the natural desire and satiation for that thing and when there's natural desire and then with that desire, that desire is met by engaging with the source or whatever it is food, sex, you know, it's so much better. That's what's interesting. It's so much better. It's not that I don't want to regulate my emotions with porn because of some moral. You know it's an immoral sin. It's not something I shouldn't do. It's just that if I'm feeling stressed and I use sexual behaviors as a way to numb myself, then that buildup of sexual energy or the buildup of hunger I'm really liking this to food because I think they're so similar and I think understanding each one of them can can be beneficial in whatever you struggle with. Not using sexual behaviors, not using something I don't feel a desire for, allows that natural desire which I feel like at all times is somewhat gradually growing, even upon a subconscious level. The desire for sex, the desire for eroticism is naturally growing and then, once it reaches a certain threshold, I feel turned on, I feel desire for sex. At that point the pleasure and the sensation and the enjoyment of sex is when I participate in it from a place of embodied desire is 152,000 times better than when I use it without desire.

Speaker 1 12:00

The story that comes to mind here is when I was probably like 14 or 15, I remember one night I still remember this vividly. I remember one night. It's like a 14 or 15 year old waking up in the middle of the night. Of course I'm, you know, 14 years. 14 year old boys are growing like crazy. They've got all these, you know, new muscles and their legs are getting longer and arms get longer, and so I'm hungry all the time.

Speaker 1 12:23

I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm starving. And I remembered that the night I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm starving. And I remembered that the night, the morning of that day, I had made breakfast and I had some leftover cheesy eggs and I put them in a container in the fridge. And so I tiredly lumbered to the kitchen and grabbed the eggs out of the container and ate them, didn't even heat them up, and I remember just being like, oh so good, this is so fucking good. It was so delicious, damn, I almost went the whole episode, without saying the effort. This was so delicious, so so delicious, and I, to this day, believe it was because I was so hungry. I was so hungry.

Speaker 1 13:03

I've had that desire. I had that need for that thing, and so when the desire is present in my experience, the thing itself is so much more rewarding. I mean, think about how good water is when you're thirsty, or McDonald's Sprite. So this is really helpful for me because of how I want to engage with sexuality in my life. I don't want to engage in sexuality in a repressive way. I don't want to at all see sexuality as something that is wrong or bad or shouldn't engage in. In fact, I see sexuality as a beautiful part of my life, as a beautiful part of reality and nature.

Speaker 1 13:49

I want to, though, use my I guess it would be called your what is it? Your neocortex, the furthermost outer layer of your brain, that gives us the feeling of consciousness of our behaviors. I want to use that furthest developed evolutionary part of the brain. Two, allow me not to suffer In my experience. Well, allow me not to suffer by stopping when I'm feeling a pang of reminder to go participate in an activity and saying, hey, we can totally go do that. Is this a desire we feel in our body? And if not, is there something else we can do? Because if we do something else, instead of using that to fulfill something that has nothing to do with it, then when we do that, it'll be even better.

Speaker 1 14:36

This, to me, is entirely a much. It's a preservation thing, it's a this. It means a lot to me. Sex means a lot to me. So I want to enjoy my sexuality in my life. So I'd rather not use it as an emotional coping mechanism. I'd rather do other things. As emotional coping mechanism, I'd rather scroll tiktok. Hell, if I'm, you know, down in the dirty, I'm rather just fucking damn it. I use the f word again. I'd rather just, you know, watch youtube videos. I'd rather journal if I'm feeling like I've got the energy for it. I'd rather journal or talk to a friend. I'd rather do anything else that doesn't take away from the thing I love a lot by improperly using this. So that's a huge part of why this is important.

Speaker 1 15:21

A second reason why disembodied consumption. I have a little sticky note at my desk at work that says disembodied consumption is the kickoff to the suffering game. And here's why. Here's why, the way I see it, there are two ways that I think about having sex, two ways that I think about engaging in sexual behaviors. One I feel this fluttering warmth in my body, from my groin to my belly. I feel this energy in my body that feels creative and loving and forceful in a positive way, lots of strength. The other is nothing to do with my body, just like a light bulb moment, an idea I should go watch porn, I should go have sex, I should go do this. And there's nothing to do with my body. Again, it's disembodied. And here's what I've experienced in my life is that when I follow that, I think that that comes from that idea. Oh, I should just go do this. Not embodied, it's just an idea of what I should do.

Speaker 1 16:32

I think that what that is is from and this is very much inspired by the work of Anna Lemke, the author of Dopamine Nation. I think what that is is my brain dropping below its dopamine baseline. So feeling a little lull, feeling a little bit dysphoric, a little bit bored, a little bit dull, a little bit aimless, a little bit bored, and because of that dopamine drop, then my brain quickly scanning for things that we can do and have done a lot that will give us a lot of dopamine reinforcement to get us back to baseline or above baseline. So it's just a need for dopamine. That's the way I make sense of it, just a need for more dopamine.

Speaker 1 17:20

Which is why going for a walk, playing a game, watching YouTube videos, working out why those things actually will dissolve that urge in a large way or pretty pretty, uh, consistently and why I don't want to do that thing just for dopamine, is because, in my experience, doing something just for the dopamine has no end. It has no end. It doesn't have a satiation point. It doesn't have an hungry and then satisfied. It doesn't have a satiation point. It doesn't have a hungry and then satisfied. It doesn't have a horny and then released or satisfied. It's just wanting to get dopamine, which I get from the sexual seeking behaviors.

Speaker 1 18:01

And so then I could watch porn for eight hours and have many times just like feeling a little bit of a the, the, the, the, the, the like, feeling a little bit of a drop in dopamine and thinking, oh, I should gamble because that'll make me feel better. And then you start gambling. And then when do you stop? There's no real point that you should stop gambling If well, there's plenty of moments that you should stop gambling, especially if you lost money, but if it's an addictive behavior, if it's something that you have a compulsive relationship with and it's just the anticipation that you enjoy.

Speaker 1 18:35

You know, continuing to gamble is going to continue to give that little bit of dopamine spike or that little bit dopamine rise above baseline or increase towards baseline, if you're in somewhat of an addictive brain towards baseline, if you're in somewhat of an addictive brain, and so that feels like a trap to me, because I know that if it's just for a little bit of dopamine and I start doing it and there's no embodied need, there is no satiation point that I'm searching for. There's no satiation point. And that's what's interesting about this is that when there's a felt need, when I'm hungry, when I feel hunger hormones in my body, my brain then releases a little bit of dopamine or, I'm sorry, drops down a little bit of dopamine in my baseline to, to, to essentially make me a little bit uncomfortable, to motivate me to go get a reward, to meet the need that I feel. When I'm horny, my body drops the dopamine down a little bit below baseline to give me a little bit of discomfort, to energize me to go get what I need, which is sex. Those are in response to a need. But if the need is for more dopamine and the dopamine is no longer a fuel to get the need. The need is just dopamine. There's no logical end to that thing. And then for me it just becomes five more minutes, please, five more minutes, please, five more minutes, please. And then I overindulge and overindulge and overindulge, because again, there was no need that prompted this Understanding, disembodied sexual consumption.

Speaker 1 20:03

Using the question am I turned on right now? Am I horny? Is this a need? Because if it is, I'm all for it. I want to find a way to meet it in a way that stays close to my needs. If it's not, well, I'm going to try to choose something else. I'm going to try to choose something else. That check-in, that idea of aligning my life with embodied behaviors to has truly, truly elevated the level of consciousness and the decreased amount of suffering in my life, and I hope it's helpful for you too. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of watching this video. I will see you next time.