Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
3 ways to COMMUNICATE instead of ARGUE | Lauren McLeod
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
After a week or two of being engrossed in my work projects my partner asked me how I had been feeling about our relationship. This lead to a discussion about our different "appetites" for relationship and we both sought to understand one another more instead of argue over who was right / wrong / who needed to change, etc.
We distilled the 3 things that we think worked well in our conversation, and recorded this episode to share them with you!
⬇️
⬇️
⬇️
Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
Instagram/ Braxtongilbert
Communication in Relationships
Speaker 1All right, so we had a conversation the other day in the car and it was a conversation that was like a couple of them that we've had in the last few months, that I even told my mom about where I was. Like I feel like our communication is judo level because it felt like that conversation could have gone south.
Speaker 2Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1And yeah, and it felt like there was a lot of play going on. That kept the conversation in a really beautiful place and allowed us to really connect and that kind of thing.
Speaker 2Definitely.
Speaker 1So I wanted to make a video where we talk about what went well in that conversation and maybe this can be helpful for people in general communicating relationships, relationships. So, uh, the situation that had happened. What happened was um, we, this week I've been working a lot and, um, sometimes I'll get into like a work mode where I'm pretty much just working on projects all week and I'll see her and I'll kiss her and say, let's be the fan, but I, you know, I'm not really emotionally present. Would you agree with that For the duration of that like and and and work mode we call it typically. So come Saturday it had been all week and I'd even told you like, hey, I'm not going to become home till late tonight, I'm at the gym working, and then I had made plans with my buddy.
Speaker 1That was Friday night to get drinks and hang out, and so it's not so much just work as much as it is just like I'm kind of doing my own thing, solo thing, right, yeah, okay. So Saturday came along and you asked the question have you been feeling this week? Yeah, and because we had both been doing our own thing, not just you, yeah, and for plans friday night as well. Things like that too so we've both been doing our own thing all week and uh so I asked you how you've been feeling yeah, my answer to that was I've been feeling good.
Speaker 1I've been feeling good but I also feel a little guilty. That was kind of my response, and I'm trying not to entertain those thoughts, because I'm enjoying myself, I'm enjoying my week, I'm enjoying the way I'm doing things, I'm enjoying getting my needs met, I'm enjoying working really hard and hanging out with my buddy and doing things like that. I have the proclivity and even you've said you do too to kind of lose ourself in a relationship. Yeah, that kind of thing why do you feel guilty?
Speaker 1I feel guilty because, uh, inherently I tend to think like well, I don't. I feel guilty because I felt like you were a little bit unhappy and I felt like you were not getting what you need why did you think I was unhappy?
Speaker 2why did you assume that like? What would you assume I was unhappy about?
Speaker 1I just, historically, whenever I feel myself shift into that work mode, I tend to come back and there's been a feeling of neglect on my side yeah, yeah, accurate accurate okay. So yeah, that's why I was like I feel good, but I feel guilty. And your response.
Speaker 2To how that week had made me feel.
Speaker 1Yeah, it was like how you feel Was anxious and Deprived is the other word you said.
Speaker 2Deprived. Yeah, that's a good word, because that's very accurate as to how I was feeling.
Speaker 1Our guest speaker.
Speaker 2That's a good word, because it's very accurate as to how I was feeling Our guest speaker.
Speaker 1He's still backstage Come here Perky, so anxious and deprived, yeah, which I'm like. Those are big words, Like you know. Feeling deprived and right out the gate, my defense mechanism starts to go up a little bit Because I'm like, you know you hurt this person, You're doing something wrong that kind of thing.
Speaker 2So um, I parked the car, go ahead and for me, whenever your response was I've been feeling really good, I was like damn, like, of course I feel deprived because you've been feeling great and you don't feel deprived at all. So you're not trying to come towards me with any sexual attention or anything because you feel great with where. You're not trying to come towards me with any sexual attention or anything because you feel great with where you're at.
Speaker 1Yeah, and so when I heard you say that, that made me want to get, um, a little bit more frustrated at you and angry at you really to blame you, kind of like you're the problem yeah, maybe even being like you know, this is doomed yeah, definitely, I'm sure, because that's why I was feeling anxious. Because you were saying you were feeling anxious about the relationship, because you can tell I'm enjoying myself and you're not, and it's like all right, this ain't going to work.
Speaker 2Exactly.
Speaker 1Okay. So we parked the car and I parked the car and we sat and I just said let's explore this a little bit, let's talk about this a little bit, because I want to know how you're feeling and, um, ultimately, what we are able to discover in our conversation was that, as someone who tends to, like, start off from a place of more emotional avoidance, like generally I tend to regulate my emotions from my routines and my things that I do um, I tend to not have as much of an appetite for relationship. So the example that came to mind for me was like a kid leaving their mom to go play, like I tend to stay gone for longer before I come back to home base.
Speaker 2And that made me really frustrated when I heard you say that, because what I was trying to communicate to you was I don't need you to come home, I don't need you to come snuggle up with me and watch a movie like. That's not what I want right now either yeah what I was trying to communicate to you.
Speaker 1Yeah, what I was trying to communicate to you.
Speaker 2My deprived feeling wasn't from snuggling and being all cutesy and and intimate and emotional way watching a movie and just yeah my deprived feeling was from like a deprived of like sexual attention being seen as a sexual person being desired in a sexual way, being flirted with, and that leading into something I felt deprived of that so, yeah, I used that example of the kid running away and then she was.
Speaker 1She communicated to me that, yeah, like that doesn't really hit the nail on the head, because I'm not looking for you to come home, I want you to look at me like I want to fuck her, like I want you to look at me like. I want that girl Like she's so sexy. She's that thing.
Speaker 1Like you know, like, come over here, let me get some of that From a sexual perspective and just in general, like just the desire for her, like a desire to be around her, to talk with, was, like I generally feel like this is a have less of a need for relational uh or to. It's not just about returning home per se, it's also about, like just the frequency of which I want to touch base with a, with a person with a specific person.
Speaker 1Yeah, to go way further yeah even if coming back is so exciting and really hot and sexy and like even that, it's like you know, I feel I get my feel really quickly you do and you don't, and you don't need it again for a while.
Speaker 2Yeah, and for me it feels like a while. For you it doesn't feel like a long time at all, yeah, um so we put days on it.
Speaker 1Essentially we were like what do you, how often do you think you need relationship, whatever that I mean it's a loose term. But like how often do you want to come back, not even using home anymore, cause I know it kind of sounds boring when we use home, but like, but like. Come back to to the relationship itself, and I said seven days and I said five.
Speaker 1Yeah, so it was like okay, well, that makes sense, because there is this like, just like this, just incompatibility, I guess you could say a problem with the frequency of which we both want to return to our person for sex or comfort or emotional regulation et cetera, and okay that. Yeah, there's just like a misstep there.
Speaker 2Yeah, and so whenever, when we talk about this being a pattern in our relationship, whenever you've been gone for five and I'm starting to feel frustrated for this need of wanting you to desire me, I feel like I'm always the one coming to you and having to put myself out there with you. And you're like and I'm like do you even desire me? Because and I don't even allow myself to get that chance to feel that From you, because I need it quicker than you do- yeah so that sucks you know you don't give yourself a chance to feel what the desire from you.
Speaker 1You know you, you don't give yourself the chance to feel what the desire from you. You don't give yourself a chance, or I don't get the chance to feel that for you.
Speaker 2Both.
Speaker 1Yeah, I mean yeah, yeah. So that was one of the other parts of that issue. Where that issue really the rubber hit the road was that difference in frequency of which we want to turn the relationship. She gets to day five and she's like, you know, like hello yeah, and then I'm, I still, I'm still buffering, and like the way I conceptualize this was that it's like once I hit that relational need threshold, then I'm like, hey, like what are you doing?
Speaker 2exactly. Yeah, girl, what are you doing like?
Speaker 1and by that time I'm like by that time you're mad at me yeah, and when I return, you're like you can't just come home whenever you want that's why, in the past, that you have felt neglected. Yeah. And what's beautiful about that is, I think, that like that is such a that, that narrative of like you know, like you can't just come home whenever you want and dah, dah, dah, dah, yeah. And me my narrative to her being like you're so fucking clean.
Speaker 2Like why don't you just go get?
Speaker 1a like, feel like on this, when especially when you said that part like I don't get to feel your desire, and I and I highlighted, like I think that it's a different frequency of when I do feel desire. I feel a little bit, you know, like offended here. That's something I said because I feel like I don't get the chance to feel desire for you, just because it takes me a couple more days and then you don't get that feeling from me, but it's there. I just don't get the time to feel it.
Speaker 2Yeah, and that was not once. When you said that, did you say you don't give me the chance?
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2You never said it's because of you that I don't feel like that. You simply just said I feel like I don't get the chance.
Navigating Relationship Needs and Desires
Speaker 1It just takes me a little longer. It just takes me longer than you do, and I can understand. I hate the way that makes you feel because, like I get it, that like you're like hello, do you even want to talk to me? Do you even want to have sex with me, do you? Want to be over here and I'm like right now no like, no, like not right now, no, but like and just. It was really nice because in general, like no one's to blame there yeah, you know like you see the red.
Speaker 1Yeah, no one's to blame there.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know, like you see the red. Yeah, no one's to blame there.
Speaker 1Yeah, and it was just really nice that we in general, like, were able to like hold on to that and just say, like there's different ways we're wired on this and this doesn't have to be somebody blaming you.
Speaker 2We're not the same person. We have different needs and we have different time zones in which we need those needs. Yeah yeah, and then another thing that was really interesting was whenever you brought up I mean you did defend yourself a little bit, but in a very respectful way, because you were like I feel like I do flirt with you.
Speaker 1Okay, so one thing before we get to that, we did explore kind of a caveat once we saw the bat was that there was a difference of frequency of which she wanted to come back to the party before I did. You know the relationship and it's a better way to say it than home home baby, back to the party. That's the party baby, it's fucking awesome in here.
Speaker 2Exactly Back to the party.
Speaker 1Yeah, and I'm like you know, taking my time. So with that in mind, with this, I'm not blaming you, you're not blaming me. You don't have to change to make me not feel pain anymore. You don't have to take longer or get a hobby, and I don't have to cut my time short and come home and be like because that's going to kill the whole romance.
Speaker 1That's going to kill the desire itself. So I suggested this is a relationship you want and you want to be in it and I do too, and we see this differencing, this difference. This you know, and so are there ways that you could see you getting your needs met that didn't necessarily involve this party, you know. Come back to me and, um, how did you feel about that suggestion?
Speaker 2I mean, I thought it was a great suggestion because I think that is reality. You know, I think it's a very true and honest question and it's an honest thing that I have to ask myself is there another way that I could get these needs met when I need them, when I know that you aren't there yet, because you're still getting what you need?
Speaker 1Yeah, I'm still getting my time by myself. You're still getting what you need exactly.
Speaker 2Yeah, because what you need is that time by yourself, and so you're still getting what you need. Yeah, I'm still getting my. You're still getting what you need. Exactly yeah, because what you need is that time by yourself, and so you're still getting what you need. So, yeah, I came up with a few options, but they still didn't really.
Speaker 1They didn't feel right yeah, and I didn't feel like I didn't say like you know, you should get a hobby. I was just like do you think that there are ways that you could get your? Because I could see her pain exactly and that's probably the vulnerability piece that we could talk about in a second, but like I could see how much it hurt her to not get that love from me yeah and not and be like waiting, while I was like when's he gonna come back and love on me, and I need that feeling and I'm like damn, like I know myself that I need a little bit longer.
Speaker 1And so I'm not gonna judge myself for that and say like I need to cut it short. I'm just going to suggest maybe if there's a way she could figure out a way to meet some of those needs in the meantime, kind of to subsidize them in some sorts or supplement them. I mean sometimes, um, but she was like, you know, not really like none of them hit the spot like none of them solved the problem.
Speaker 1Yeah and so, um, then the conversation about flirting, you know just like none of then, the conversation about flirting kind of developed where I said like I've you talk about me not wanting you not flirting with you, and when you say that, it makes me think about all the times that I'd be flirting with you yeah, and you're like what are you talking about?
Speaker 1and I'm like you know, like every time you walk past me I'd be like you know, like I make a fart noise. Or like every time you bend over me I make a fart noise. Every time you bend over on me I'm always picking with you. And I said to me I know that may not sound flirty, but that's me being flirty and even that's kind of my sexual style too. It's kind of dirty, kind of nasty.
Speaker 1Under the table yeah, it's like me, kind of bringing a booty hole into the conversation. You know like, hey girl, what's up? And and that's an opportunity for me to be like, oh, and I'm like, you know, you know, you like it, like that's how I flirt, you know.
Speaker 2But initially, like, my brain does not. Whenever I hear you go, that it doesn't alert me, like, oh, he's flirting with me. It alerts me that, like, oh, you're just like around me you're just playing with me. You're just poking at me, which is a form of flirting, but I was looking for.
Speaker 1It was sexual flirting.
Speaker 2I was looking for sexual flirting. There is tension here and that in my brain did not trigger for that. But once you brought that to the table and showed me this is a sexual flirting method of mine. I was like oh, that actually makes me feel really better, because now I understand.
Speaker 1Your way of flirting, and so whenever you do it, I can notice it more. Yeah, and it's not so much that like it, god, I was just thinking about something I forgot. I don't know. I don't know. That was nice, though. To be like this is something I'm doing, that is sexual.
Speaker 2And.
Speaker 1I just don't think that it's being picked up as sexual, yeah, and so it was nice to be able to clarify that.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's totally nice to be able to defend yourself, but you want to make sure that you are also giving the person next to you enough time to feel heard yeah and you did do that yeah and that made me feel really well and it made me feel more open to hearing your. You defend yourself yeah, um, okay.
Speaker 1So the flirting thing we talked about, that, that was nice that was a nice, like, uh, so the flirting thing we talked about, that that was nice.
Speaker 1That was a nice thing to discover that there was actually bids for connection that were coming from me, that were sexual, that just weren't necessarily being picked up as such. However, though, at the end of the day we both still felt like there was this kind of chasm of sorts, like there was this kind of break in our relational step, like she steps a little shorter than mine, my strides a little longer, and um, normally I think the conversation would be about compromise for most people, and so that's. I mean, obviously we compromise and things, and we totally are down to use the tool of being, of compromising Definitely, but I think, more in general, we tend to stay on the side, more of like accepting and like self-preservation of sorts, like I don't want you to have to like get rid of things that are important to you or your needs, and I don't want to do that either I mean, especially when what you're what you need, like you don't.
Speaker 2I can't get what I need from you if you're not getting what you need. Yeah, because what I need from you is that natural desire, is that natural want to be with me and take me out and all these things, and I can't get that from you. If you're constantly compromising on your time, yeah, you're never gonna naturally feel like that.
Speaker 1Yeah, and I then feel the energy that you're showing up with, yeah, and I don't like that so the compromise that I think in some situations compromise does start to kind of like snuff out the, the desire, there's, resentment, it's actually built up and stuff and so, again, not a bad tool, but in just this case we opted for something a little different. So at the end we're sitting there and just like it was really nice for you to hear that I had been trying to, you know, like bring a booty hole into conversations. I've been trying to flirt with you in a way that's sexual. That was nice. It was refreshing to hear that, yeah.
Speaker 2But we are still sitting and looking at this, going like, yeah, this is a pain in our relationship. Yeah, so at the end it was nice because we didn't solve the problem. But I felt so much lighter, I felt so much closer to you and I felt really happy. I felt really good in my body and in my heart knowing that all of these deep, really tough emotions that I was feeling were now heard, seen and we were on the same page. Because for a moment there, when I'm feeling deprived and you're feeling happy, I don't feel like we're on the same page. And if we go on that route for a really long time, it starts making me angry and frustrated at you and resent you Do you not see me? Even more. That's when I start to feel like this relationship's not gonna work because he doesn't even see me. But that's why I had to speak up and say something.
Speaker 1Yeah, so we didn't solve the problem, but at the end we were able to have a shared reality, and I like what Heidi Preeb says about intimacy, and intimacy is a shared reality.
Speaker 1We were able to like enter back into intimacy together, which both just felt good together To be like okay, I see you, you see me, I understand you, you understand me, I can see you and your relational patterns and I can love those and the same coming back towards me, like you know, and that was very nice. And the second thing was that so we got the intimacy part back. Uh, the second thing is we didn't blame the pain on one another. That was like a fundamental, I think, uh, tool or mechanism that, like this pain hurts. It sucks that we're not on the right step, but it's not your fault and it's not my fault. I'm not going to try to say that if you would just da-da-da and vice versa.
Speaker 2Exactly.
Speaker 1So I think those are really two cool takeaways.
Speaker 2Absolutely.
Speaker 1I asked for both of us to make three notes about the conversation, three specific things that we think went really well in the conversation, and so I'm going to read mine real quick and then you get yours right there.
Speaker 1Three things that I think went really well in the conversation that were like good tactical tools to take away was one there's nothing wrong with me or her.
Speaker 1That, fundamentally, was really something, something I continue to have to like throw into my mind, because when she says stuff like I don't feel loved, I feel deprived, I feel all these things, it's my responsibility, in my mind, I think, to make sure she doesn't feel those things. And so you know, if she is, that I'm failing and if I don't want to come back to relationship when she's upset, you know, if she needs, if she wants to waste every five days or come back to the party every five days and I need two more days, it's easy for me to think like, like there's something wrong with me, I need to come back quicker or she needs to be able to stay out long. So that, fundamentally, was something that really helped. The second was incompatibility, and I put quotes on that because I sense that there's a better word for that, but it's all that I have right now. Incompatibility is a part of relationship, and I want relationship, so as an emotionally avoidant person starting from that place working towards secure.
Speaker 1It's easy for me to wrap up shop when there's something wrong. It's like whoop didn't work Nice to meet you Like, let's roll, tried that that's not gonna work. As soon as there's a blip, as soon as there's a break in communication or in compatibility, it's like, well, this is not gonna work, and so that was really nice to remember. This is part of relationship. I'm never gonna get away from this.
Speaker 1Every relationship I ever have. I want to be in relationship for all the all the spoils of relationships. So this is it. Um, and then the last thing was don't get lost. In facts. It was easy to, whenever you were saying stuff initially, to say like I don't feel like you're flirting with me, I don't feel like you're looking at me, I don't feel like you're like. All this kind of stuff I was cognizant of, not saying like what, like what are you talking about? I do this and start saying remember thursday, I said this. You remember tuesday, I said this and I did say a couple things like that.
Speaker 1you know, during the conversation, but at the end I tried to use it more invitationally, using that phrase. I wonder why you feel this way, because when you say that I I feel these things. Can you help me understand that? So, like I wonder why you feel that I don't flirt with you because when you say that, I think about me going every time you bend over and that's me kind of throwing my change. I think, like what a shot are you? Like exactly that's me doing my.
Speaker 1Thing yeah and so you know like, yeah, just not getting lost in the fact. I feel like those were three things that really helped the conversation yeah, because there's a different way that you approach that. You didn't blame me yeah, it wasn't like you're wrong. It's not true like I am flirting with you. Yeah, I am doing it. You're wrong? No, it's literally.
Speaker 2Hmm well, I hate that you feel like I'm not flirting with you. How do you feel whenever I make the fart noises?
Speaker 1Yeah, and you're like I don't know. It's weird, because I feel like that is flirting.
Speaker 2That's my way of flirting. Yeah, my three points.
Speaker 1Oh, sorry misunderstanding. That's what I ultimately labeled this one of the things there's a misunderstanding, no one's wrong. We just don't understand each other. Like intimacy is when we understand each other, when we're in this kind of um rupture, there's a lack of understanding. So like, fundamentally, I'm trying to understand you, you're trying to understand me it's like okay, I can respect you and accept you for who you are. I love you.
Speaker 2Not like yeah, anyways I think that's why we left being okay without having a solution, because it felt so good in both of our bodies to feel understood. Yeah, one thing that I did that I'm really proud of is focusing on my needs rather than focusing so much on how I feel, and trying to communicate what I need rather than what I feel. So, of course, at the beginning of the conversation, I had to tell him you know I feel frustrated. So, of course, at the beginning of the conversation, I had to tell him you know I feel frustrated, I feel anxious, I feel deprived, but ultimately, what I needed was more sexual attention from him, and the whole point of the conversation was me telling him that's what I need, instead of going I'm frustrated at you because you don't flirt with me. I'm frustrated at you because you're't flirt with me. I'm frustrated at you because you're working all night and I haven't even you haven't even haven't even um seen me to put me to bed. Like do you not even care about me?
Speaker 2yeah and that takes a lot of vulnerability, because whenever you're hurt from somebody, whenever you feel hurt, it's easy to look at them and get mad at them and get frustrated at them. But that's going to take the conversation to a whole totally different energy and a different outcome.
Speaker 1Also. Your pain is so invitational to me.
Speaker 1Exactly, and so, like any ladies that are listening, or really any men as well, pain is so much stronger than frustration, because if you can look at the person who hurt you in the eyes and really show them how bad that they hurt you, and express to them like I know you didn't mean to do this, I know you're getting what you need right now, but what is happening in our relationship really hurts me yeah, and and then to be able to watch that as a partner, hearing that and see the pain, it draws my heart so close and then I also think I would give the advice to like your heart draws closer, but then you don't have to compromise and throw all the chips away Like fuck it, I don't have to work anymore, babe, but just be like I can be with your pain without having to run towards solutions, and I can just hear you and feel you.
Speaker 2And I can show him my pain without blaming him, without telling him he's the problem. I can still be hurt without him being the issue um, I just want to say that's really awesome yeah being able to sit in your vulnerability and don't point fingers at you. Yeah, staying with the need, not all the feelings, the secondary feelings that surround it.
Speaker 1I'm mad at you because you stay with the need, not all the feelings, the secondary feelings that surround it. I'm mad at you because you're not giving my needs Like let's just root the conversation back into the needs part, Exactly Because if we could talk about that, if we could fix that, then we would be smooth sailing.
Speaker 2We would be fine. Yeah, All the history.
Speaker 1Let's put it away for a second.
Speaker 2Exactly. Another thing that helped me was keep reminding myself that the goal is to make us work. The goal is feeling close to you and no matter what's going on outside of that, at the end of the day, I want to make my relationship with you work. I want you in my life. So if we do have to come up with different solutions for me to get my needs met, then that's okay, because at the end of the day, I want you in my life. And the last thing was vulnerability over ego. That comes back to the frustration thing. You don't want to look at your partner and go I'm so frustrated at you and Hold up a wall and hold up a guard the whole time. You want to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of them and show them how much they hurt you or how much you are hurting. That's more appropriate and what I'm trying to say how much you are hurting, yeah, yeah, more appropriate than what I'm trying to say how much you are hurting.
Speaker 1Yeah, how like that's such a strength, and I want you to like explore with people how they can do that better, because what I see is like the wall thing is like a punishment mechanism. Like you didn't get my needs, I'm going to punish you now for that, instead of like inviting someone who wants to meet your needs and saying like this really hurts tremendously. Here, let me be vulnerable in front of you and show you how much pain I am. I think a lot of people don't do that because if like, it demonstrates the power someone has in their life to make them feel pain.
Speaker 2But that's the cost of intimacy, yeah I think it has a lot to do with um accepting reality. Because, for an example, I feel like if I am blaming you and being frustrated at you the whole time, then what I'm doing is trying to get you to fix what you did. I'm trying to get you to fix my pain, when the goal is not for my pain to be fixed, it's for me to get my needs met.
Speaker 2And when I don't get my needs met, I'm in pain. So the pain isn't the issue, the needs are the issue. So if I'm so focused in my pain, I'm hurting so bad and you're the reason that I'm hurting. You can't fulfill my needs. Well, I can't look to you to fulfill my needs. I have to tell you what my needs are and hope that we can find. Can you meet these? If you can't, then we need to find some dynamic in our relationship that's going to allow me to get my needs met, because I still want to be with you. You get what I'm saying.
Navigating Anger and Vulnerability
Speaker 1Not so much. Let me ask you a question again how do you allow yourself to demonstrate the pain to me, that I'm causing to you, instead of trying to just be mad at me? How do you do that? Because other people don't do that. Some people just be mad as shit. Instead of being able to access the pain and be vulnerable, how do you decide to be vulnerable during the conversation instead of getting up in your pain?
Speaker 2Because what I'm really hurt about is not feeling close to you, and I know that, if I know and everyone knows this because we've all been through toxic relationships but if you stay frustrated at someone the whole time, if what you want is closest with them, frustration is not going to lead you there. And that's the same route that I've taken over and over and over and over again, and so I know that frustration is not going to lead me to where I want to be and that's close with you. And it takes a lot of vulnerability and a lot of strength to put your frustration to the side. Look at the person who is hurting you and say I just want to be close to you.
Speaker 1Yeah. And two like it's weird how you have to use the information or use emotions because anger is an emotion you feel when you're not getting your needs met and you have to compartmentalize it and say I'm angry because I'm not getting my needs met, but then not use that anger as a manipulation tactic to get that person to behave differently, but instead use that to inform you that you need to show up in the relationship and talk about what your needs are.
Speaker 1And show them how much it hurts if you do not get your needs yeah that's a different thing.
Speaker 1I hope that comes through really clearly. That anger informs you that there's a boundary being crossed and need not being met, but that anger is not something you should use as a manipulation tactic to get other people to behave differently. Instead, you should just have that one-on-one conversation with your anger that says I hear you, let me make notes from that, let me show back on my relationship and then just bring that partner into what really is the pain, because the pain's what. The pain's what invites them to uh, to really feel you.
Speaker 2The anger is not going to get you what you want. The anger is a sign that a boundary is being crossed or that you're not getting your needs met. So the real question is what are my needs or what is the boundary that's being crossed?
Speaker 1Yeah, so yeah, that was a great conversation. I left the conversation going like man. That is a really, really good combo and I want to just distill some of the like, the plays, the dynamics, the strategies, the thought processes into a short little podcast episode. And this is officially the first podcast back after a couple months being gone, so it's a good, a good one to show back up with.