Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Reimagining Sex as Sacred: A Journey Beyond Compulsive Sexuality
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Is it time to reimagine sexuality as something sacred and awe-inspiring rather than just a biological function? Join me as I share my personal journey of overcoming compulsive sexual behaviors and addiction by embracing sex as a profound mystery. Influenced by Western civilization and purity culture, our perceptions of sex have often been marred by shame and guilt. Together, we’ll explore how honoring sexual attraction can lead to personal growth and a richer understanding of ourselves. Discover how redefining sex beyond societal constraints has been transformative in my life, and how it can be for you too.
We dive into cultivating sexual energy with sensitivity and mindfulness, moving beyond the relentless pursuit of novelty. Inspired by Thomas Moore's "The Soul of Sex" and insights from Alexey Welsh, we’ll discuss the power of engaging deeply with erotic energy rather than seeking intensity. Hear about four enlightening discoveries that have reshaped my view on sexuality, offering an invitation for listeners to reflect and perhaps find new perspectives on this intimate aspect of life. Whether it's the subtle sensations akin to a meditative practice or understanding the pitfalls of intensity, this episode promises a mindful journey through the nuances of erotic energy.
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Sexual Energy and Symbolic Representation
Speaker 1There's a few things that I've learned more about sex recently and wanted to share it with you, my friend. There are four specific things that I want to tell you about. So the first thing is sex can be honored like a holy mystery, but instead it's kind of treated like a guilty pleasure, sin or perverted thing. Sex could be honored, and has been historically honored, by groups of people as this incredible mystery of life, the origin of life, a penis, a vagina can be seen in one way that says these are the body, these are dirty, nasty, shameful even. On the other hand, they can be seen as the tools of recreation or the tools of procreation, the tools of creating life itself, which is really interesting and it takes a little bit of time to warm up to the idea of just having a brain that was grown out of Western civilization and the way that we relate to sex, coming from like Christian roots, you know, purity kind of culture in the deep South. It's really interesting. It's really really cool to think about sex and go wait, okay. So I can look at it one way that says sex is shameful and wrong. I can look at another way that says sex is just biological reproduction and the instinct for reproduction. The other way I can look at sex is in this way that inspires awe and mystery, like when you see a really beautiful person that you find sexually attractive, or there's this attraction you feel around people. You go like wow, that's an incredible force, like wow, what an interesting thing. And how, how incredible it is to feel your body react with desire or with attraction to someone else, that force that creates life itself. And you know, eros, or you, or things we call erotic, the root there being eros. Eros is the energy that holds the world together, like draws the world together in attraction, and so anytime you feel that erotic energy, it's really, really awesome in the sense of like inspiring all. And so there's a mystery to it. There's like a, a real thing that can be contemplated there, you know, like a meditation, just like when, when, for me personally, when I feel attraction in my body, you know I used to repress it, I used to feel shame for that, and now I'd really take a moment to breathe it in and to like notice it and to be appreciative of it. Like you know, like warm sunlight on a cool day or like a warm ocean breeze, like wow, what an interesting thing, and then even more so and I think this doesn't really bleed over to the other points but sexual imagery itself. It can be seen as a representation of the qualities that they like.
Speaker 1The sexual imagery can represent something instead of just the object itself a symbol of nurturing, mothering love, like this softness of tenderness of a mother and this like really nourishing energy to life. Breasts can be the symbol of that, and so, in that way, the attraction that I feel to breasts is, on one level, a physical attraction. On the other level, it can be seen as a representation of my attraction to this loving, tendering, nurturing energy that is part of the feminine. And so, you know, that's like a really interesting thing. That's a really, really interesting thing to then to be able to see the body as representations of, you know, different archetypes and different energies, and you can see it as a physical thing. You know, a boob is something I want to squeeze and touch and that's cool. And then, on a deeper level, it's this attraction to a much more complex story, a much more meaningful, I guess you would say energy, instead of just the entertainment of squeezing a boot. So, yeah, sex can be seen through a lot of different lenses and the thing that I've began to really notice is that the way that I treat sex can either be in you know this isn't a new thing, but you know for a long time the way that I treated sex was in a repressive element. So repression or veneration I can really, I'm finding that I can elevate sex past what I've normalized as just like normal sexual desire, normal biological attraction, normal desire for reproduction. Those things are normal and natural in the body. I'm noticing that I can even bring it to a place that imbues it with a sense of mystery and awe and begin to honor it. I do feel like in my journey with sexuality I'm arriving at a place that it feels a lot like honoring sex, like really giving sex a place of really reinstalling sex in my mind, something that is mysterious and lovely and beautiful, which is really cool. Second thing this is really helpful for me as someone who has struggled a lot with compulsive sexuality and sexual addiction porn addiction. Number two has been really, really, really, really helpful in my journey and that is sexual. Things represent a feeling in my body. So for me and I imagine a lot of people can relate who have struggled with sexual compulsive behavior or sex addiction or porn addiction.
Speaker 1For me, seeing a sexually attractive person has been like a liability of sorts. It's been like this pang of irritation. It feels like this you know, it reminds me of something I want. It's almost like if I was a gambling addict and I saw a slot machine or I saw some dice. You know it's like, oh, I need that. You know I need that. It's if you vape or something. You see a vape and you haven't hit a vape in I don't know however long would be a you know long enough time to feel discomfort and it kind of it's not like you feel good because it's not like you desire it, it's like you need it and so it irritates you. Um, that's how I've felt about sexuality for a very long time and at times still find myself from time to time doing. But it's this mechanism that I have really felt phase out over the last couple of years, the last year and a half or so, primarily, and so this has been really helpful. This has been really really helpful.
Speaker 1Sex, sexual imagery, a sexual person, nice legs, a nice body the things that used to yank me with the need for consumption of internet pornography or just like some type of mental stimulation of sorts. Now I'm realizing that the real gift, the real thing that I'm after, isn't to touch that person's body or to have them. It's not them. That is the thing that I want. It's not them, and that, for so long, is what I felt and that's a paradigm that I've operated in Like. I want them, I want that. In Like I want them, I want that.
Speaker 1And now I'm realizing that the real thing that I want is a feeling in my body. What I really want is this depth of sensitivity and arousal in my body. Sexual energy feels really good, and so I want to feel this fluidity of sexuality in my body. I want to feel this richness in my arousal. I want to feel the strength of a potency in my sexual energy, my body, and what I'm learning is that, while a beautiful woman with a beautiful body, beautiful woman with a beautiful body who I'm talking to at a coffee shop, while her body is sexual, what I'm noticing is that what I really want is the feeling of sexual energy in my body. That's what I really want, because I've been in many, many situations where I'm consuming so much sex, so much porn, so many, you know, just layer on more stimulus and feeling nothing inside, and that was the epitome of suffering. That was kind of my personal rock bottom in this whole experience with sex. I'm like, okay, so I can layer on as many layers of external sexual stimuli and feel nothing, and that sucks's, that's suffering. So what it's led me to is now realizing that, wow, like what I actually want is this energy in my body of arousal, of potency, of richness, of sexual energy, this incredible experience of like orgasmicity. You know, orgasmicity, I think that's the word. And so now, beautiful breasts, beautiful legs, things that used to yank me with the need for consumption, you know, like you would with a vape or a gambling addict sees a slot machine. Now, instead, instead of pulling my attention out to chase that, instead it reminds me, it's a symbol of a reminder of sorts of something inside.
Cultivating Sexual Energy Through Sensitivity
Speaker 1One other way that I think this makes sense is like money. The dollar bill itself is just paper and seeing it is, you know, it's not like money itself has an inherent value to it, but it represents something. A dollar bill represents power and so, seeing it, I can either chase the dollar bill or I can feel power inside. I can look at it and say that represents power. That's something I want. Well, I can either chase it from an external source I can chase it down from the world, which to me just sounds like setting myself up for emotional, spiritual suffering or I can notice that what I'm wanting to chase is just a representation or a symbol of what I want to feel in my body and use that as kind of a like David Data says, and the way of the superior man, use my attraction to her as a slingshot into myself, as to a slingshot into what I want to feel, if that makes sense. So now the way it goes is see a beautiful person, see someone that I find sexually attractive, and instead of feeling this lust of need for them, instead I allow their beautiful body, or whatever it is I feel attracted to, to bring my attention to sexual energy itself and find in my body where I feel that light current of sexuality and it's just like a reminder of this thing that I already have inside and that has been really, really powerful.
Speaker 1Okay, let me make sure I'm still recording. Okay, we're rocking. Okay, let me make sure I'm still recording. Okay, we're rocking. Okay, two more things. Two more things. This one's really powerful, very, very powerful, the? All right, I'm just going to say what I have written down and I kind of want to break it down a little bit.
Speaker 1So the feeling of discovery and the feeling of sexual energy are two separate things. The latter is the goal. So the feeling of discovery ooh, I found something new and the feeling of sexual energy in the body are two separate things. The latter is the goal. That sexual energy, that arousal, that potency, that beautiful connection to sensuality in the body, that's the goal. But sensitivity to that has to be trained. While the discovery, you know, I think, doomstrung.
Speaker 1The next thing, the next thing, or porn sites, similar videos, similar videos, more tabs, more Like. You know, I can continue to find this online scavenger hunt for the next erotic thing. You know, unwrapping a gift. It's not really the gift, it's the unwrapping, it's the anticipation. That's one behavior, that's one energy. The other is eroticism and sexuality itself. But this, the sensitivity to this, is very low-hanging fruit. The anticipation. If you like this, you'll love this. Keep scrolling. Next video, similar thing, new person, new actors and actresses on the screen, new scenes, new websites, new, you know, whatever it is, a new person. This could you know in person. You could just be hooking up with new people.
Speaker 1But what I've learned is that what I'm really after is again that arousal, that potency of sexual energy in my body. That's what I'm really after, and I can go one of two things. I can either go the anticipation route, which I find is just kind of empty, or I can train my body's ability to feel erotic energy, feel what's erotic about this moment. So an example of this might be, instead of binge watching endless porn videos, looking at a pornographic image and and and looking deeper into it. That's one thing that I learned from Thomas Moore's book the soul of sex. Maybe you know the compulsive behavior of Consumption of porn or consumption of sex. Really. More so, pornography betrays one thing, he says, is betrays the fact that we don't look deep enough. And so, instead of getting high on the novelty of new discovery, instead of sitting with almost in this depth of meditation, this depth of stillness, with what is the image that is on the screen and being with that and noticing what in my body is energized in response to this.
Speaker 1And it's a subtlety. That's the difference here. There's a subtlety to it. It's this very slow growing pleasure of subtle energy in the body, but it's so thick, it's such a nice feeling, but it takes a while to really tune into the feelings that I've tapped into it just a couple of couple times. Doing that practice of using a pornographic image instead of scrolling on pornography or a pornhub, it's created this. It's like feeling of arousal, my body that feels like, you know, seventh grade, feels like when I was a 13 year old boy, like feeling these really massive, strong feelings of sexuality in the body and so, um, that I don't know if this went off or not. No, we're still walking again. That feeling is better. The feeling of sexual energy in the body is better, the sensitivity to it, but it just has to be trained. It's something that's like a, you know, it's a slow, growing pleasure instead of instant gratification. So that's been helpful.
Speaker 1This all kind of distills down into this phrase need more versus feel more. Yes, that is like awesome. Need more suffering, feel more. That's great. One thing that Alex say has taught me Alex say Welsh. I did two podcasts with him. You can find them on here. Alex said Welsh on YouTube um, is, you know, if you're going for intensity of your sexual sensations, you know, you're really, really you know, having sex with a lot of force and intensity and you're even with pornography.
Speaker 1You know you're going really. You know having sex with a lot of force and intensity and you're even with pornography. You know you're going for grander kind of the wwe of sexual content. You know it's all about more. You know, uh, more extravagant, more extreme, more impressive. There's this.
Speaker 1There's a dead end there, and that's what's so beautiful about it. There's a dead end to where, if you know, if you're, if you're doing this and you're really just overwhelming your senses with energy or a sensation and you can't feel anything, you're, you're, you're doomed, like you're at the end. You can't layer on any more sensation. But if, instead, you pull back and train your body's ability to feel, to feel the subtleties, to feel the sensations in your body as they happen, they then begin to kind of peel open into this, like you know, almost like a psychedelic, like just depth of experience. There's more here. There's more here than there is there. That's kind of, I guess, a Buddhist way of looking at it. There's more here than there is there. But it takes a level of, you know, stillness to sit with and to really sink into the gooeyness of what's here. So there's two options you have.
Speaker 1What I'm just trying to say in plain language is you can either keep looking for more and more and more and really just getting high on the and stillness and feel the your feet on the ground and breathe again into your belly and relax your pelvic floor and really just meditate on this arousing image and even see. You know, what is it about this sexual image that on one layer is just physical nudity and that's arousing on one level. On a deeper level, what is this sexual act that's on the screen representing? That is an energy or a story or an archetype that's like really arousing from a like on a more meaningful, deeper level. Maybe it's a story of surrender, or maybe it's a story of invitation or seduction, or it's like this, you know, kind of naughtiness or something that's being displayed, or it's this like, I don't know, just something about it. What is it about this image deeper? There might be a story about it, or what might this image represent in terms of a sexual archetype that is arousing, that is really hot to you? That's another way to go about it, and what I'm finding is that that's the real juice there.
Speaker 1Example would be like a website that I found recently. It's called lusterycom. It's like couples who make porn together and the production is very low, that low. You know it's very low production, not to. You know I'm not throwing shade on anybody that creates content on that. Thank you for your content. But uh, it's just not. You know the wwe stuff. It's not the lights, camera action acting. It's like people that are really loving on one another and really want to give pleasure and receive pleasure in this kind of intimacy and wanting to share that with other people.
Speaker 1And when you watch that, if you're an avid porn watcher and you've been addicted to the anticipation of newness and better and later of eroticism and sexuality, can feel a little, can feel very boring at first. You know there's nothing spectacular about the bodies on the screen. There's nothing you know like really new and novel about the way they're displaying sex. There's nothing really intense about it either. There's just kind of this subtle unfolding of a sensual moment. But what I'm telling you, what I've learned maybe this isn't true for you, but it's true for me there's so much more there. There's so much more there in terms of like the energy in my body and the way this moves into my relationship. There's so much more there in terms of like the energy in my body.
Speaker 1And the way this moves into my relationship is very liberating, because for a long time I really suffered in relationship because I thought, like man, you know, once I have sex with somebody, you know enough times you can only unwrap the same gift a few times, maybe once you know enough times you can only unwrap the same gift a few times, maybe once you know, until the excitement of the newness, of the novelty, the discovery, the anticipation, the shopping stuff wears off that newness of anticipation. And that's very true. But what takes its place is this depth of arousal and this familiarity with each other's bodies and ability to really generate this sexual energy and to grow it. But there's this familiarity with each other's bodies and ability to really generate this sexual energy and to grow it. But there's this level of patience that's required in that domain. That wasn't taught to me through binge watching internet pornography for 15 years. So it's been really magnificent in my relationship because now there's a shift in the way that I pursue sex.
Speaker 1I pursue sex for the sensation of pleasure in my body as well as the real nourishment of energy, of love with my partner and the sexual goo that arouses on an emotional level with my partner. There's so much more feeling in that. And the internet pornography, sex addiction, compulsive addiction is just this constant need for anticipation of something that eventually is going to pay off but never really does. It's this hunt with no end, so to speak. Anyways, so that third thing, number three, the need for versus feel more has been really really helpful. Number three the need for versus feel more has been really really helpful.
Speaker 1And, yeah, that also one kind of thing. There is discovery versus quality of sexual energy. It's like I can hop from person to person to person to person in sexual partners and get this new, novel, discovery, discovery. But what I'm really after is this depth, this immersion, this, you know, yeah, immersiveness of the sensual experience, sexual experience, and again, that's something that is trained and deepened, like any kind of energy practice in the body, like martial arts or qigong or meditation. You know like, uh, you know, if you wanted to get into meditation and you like sat for a second and you're like, okay, I tried it, like I get it, I get stillness, I get peace. Okay, I get it, I get tranquility, you know, from sitting in meditation for just a second, you know you wouldn't. You wouldn't have gotten anything, you would have just just briefly glanced at the idea, but somatically, energetically, you wouldn't have found stillness or tranquility, and even more so, the depth of tranquility and stillness continues to open. The longer you make love to that moment, the deeper you go, the more there is. And so with sensitivities there is no end, with intensity it stops very quickly. So, lame game going up, great game going down. You could replace this with whoever you find really attractive, whatever gender you find really attractive or whatever way you want to classify that Suffering is, for me, one thing that has created suffering is finding the best.
Speaker 1So porn, searching for the best actress or the best body, or constantly looking at other people as a collection of sexual objects that I'm comparing to find the chupacabra, the best of the best, and that is it sucks, because no one's ever good enough, because there's always this idea of the perfect person that they're constantly being compared to. Every single woman is a expression of the woman. Every single woman is an expression of this feminine energy that is like, ultimately all from the same source, and so it's shifted me out of this game of, like you know, finding the best person, finding the hottest person and instead seeing, instead of eroticizing, the perfect woman, instead finding the erotic in all women and seeing what is attractive in all women, and it kind of goes into the you know the third thing I talked about like that, that being more sensitive instead of looking for more intensity. It's like this is the game I'd rather play. You know when?
Speaker 1When I first stepped into the world of sexuality as a young person going through puberty, all women who I find attractive women to me are very attractive and all of them had this glow about them. They were all very attractive, most of them, and that's abundance, that's beauty, that's nice, that's where the world is very rich. The other one that I found myself in the last, you know, not so much the last year and a half or so, but prior to that it was looking for the best, the perfect woman, and, yeah, that wasn't very fruitful, it wasn't very juicy. So now, seeing what's attractive in each woman, learning to feel the beauty that is in most women I say most, I mean some women I'm just not attracted to, you know what I'm saying. But widening is so much better than searching, you know, ongoing forever for one particular thing that you never find.
Speaker 1So, yes, four things that I have discovered recently about sex that I wanted to share with you. I hope that these are very helpful for you. I hope it's very enlightening for you. It has been for me. You know it's vulnerable to share these things, so I don't do it to you know, try to be a cool guy. I do it because this stuff has been really helpful for me and I hope it's helpful for you. So, yes, thank you so much for listening to this. If it was helpful, you know, let me know. See you later.