How to use your s*xual energy (5 ways)

I have learned there are five different ways to engage with s*xual energy. I am sharing them with you here. 

1. Escapism
2. Trying to have an orgasm
3. Pleasure and enjoyment throughout the entire experience 
4. Giving and receiving love
5. Ecstatic Union

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

All right. This video is about the four different ways that I've learned to experience and engage with sexual energy and a quick run through of what the list is. One escapism oh is it five? Now, over the last year or so, with a lot of intentional practice with my own sexuality, I've learned there are five different ways that I can engage with sexual energy. So a quick run through of the list and then we'll go through each one in detail.

Speaker 1 0:40

Escapism, like just chasing down an orgasm. Pleasure and enjoyment, the flow of love and bliss these are all experiences or pathways that I can take in regards to sexual energy. One of the things that's been really interesting in this experience two things really has been sex seems to follow the aim that I place for it. And what I mean by that is that if I have sex and I intend to just try to have an orgasm, just to use my partner's body or use stimulation as a means to achieve an orgasm or a means to achieve ejaculation, then that experience has a particular, like unique, quality to it. And if I intend, you know, if I aim at the experience of having sex being one of feeling, generating, receiving love, then that experience unfolds in a completely different way. The quality of that experience is noticeably different than the other one. This has been really interesting because it's just like really highlighted to me how important or how powerful the intention is with, I guess, anything but in this, specifically with sexuality, and it's really remarkable to see that type sexuality and it's been really remarkable to see that type of ability to direct the experience. The second thing that's been remarkable, that's been really interesting in this experience, has been I've noticed that my ability to go the distance on whichever direction I've aimed with the sexuality or the sexual experience, really is a byproduct of my own conditioning, kind of like you know the phrase with the saying you don't rise to the occasion, you sink to your level of training. It's like it's hard for me to experience sex in a way that I haven't conditioned myself or practiced Experiencing sex, which, as I'm going to go through with these five different ways to engage with sex, most of the experience has been getting out of the first two Because escapism, using sex for something else that has nothing to do with sex, to blunt out emotions or blunt out experiences that I don't want to feel, and or using sex as just kind of like a means to an end, to get to that nice ejaculation and orgasm.

Speaker 1 3:40

That in my body, that has been conditioned in my body for over a decade of the way that I have sex. I mean, that's been conditional body for like 14 years. That's how I have sex. So at first If you listen to these you might be like you know, those sound like interesting aims for sex. That sounds like an interesting, interesting intention for sex, like especially bliss the last one that's an interesting one or love, you know but maybe there's no experience, maybe you have no experience moving in that way, like feeling sex from that vantage point, or making love or experiencing sex with that particular quality.

Speaker 1 4:26

And what I'm learning is that my ability, the depth of that experience, the immersiveness of the particular experience that I'm going after in sex is a byproduct of my conditioning, of my practice. Much like meditation is, you know, to sit down and close your eyes and say like, okay, yeah, I get it. Meditation, I get it. Yeah, tranquility, I get it. Not yet, not really. There's a sinking that happens in the stillness and in the same way, in these sexual practices I've really felt that there's a sinking which is so remarkable. I promise we won't get to the list. But it's so remarkable because that depth of experience in the sexual experience is such a stillness, not necessarily a bodily stillness, but there's such a stillness of attention, consciousness in the experience, and that is so vastly different from the way that I engaged with sex for so long and still do, habitually at times, engage with sex where it's this kind of like a constant movement. It's more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more stimulation, more novelty, more, more, more, more, more, all for the enjoyment of that dopamine release in the brain that has nothing to do with the erotic energy, the erotic flow. So, anyways, those are the two things that I think are really remarkable as, like a frame for this, for these five things, is sex seems to follow what I aim at. That's cool. The ability for me to go the distance or go the depth with that particular aim is a byproduct of my own personal cultivation of this practice. You know, like stillness and meditation, sexual experience, they seem to be very similar in the sense that I can't consume, I can't, you know, buy, I can't just collect additional, you know, heightened or more immersive experiences. It has to be carved out in my body which is interesting. Okay, five ways.

Speaker 1 6:31

First, escapism, escapism in short. This one's very simple. This has nothing to do with sex. You know, when I'm engaging with sex from a place of escapism, it's because it's about something else. I don't want to feel something else. I'm feeling some negative emotion, I'm feeling some stress, I'm feeling some fear about life, I'm worried. And as a means to kind of cover that emotion up, I go to sex or I go to porn, I go to something to give me some juice.

Speaker 1 7:05

And what's uniquely interesting about this is that the experience for me that is really closely tied to escapism when it comes to sex mostly porn addiction for me is that, or the interesting thing is that it has almost nothing to do with a felt sexuality in the body or a turn-on Like. What I'm saying is that when I'm watching porn and that's from an escapism place I'm really just kind of video-hopping, thumbnail-shopping and just, you know, engaging myself with as many different stimuli as I can to string together that novel like of enjoyment of newness. It's really all about novelty and it's accompanied dopamine and it's like very little, if anything, almost nothing, I would even say nothing to do with sexual energy, the arousal and enjoyment of turn on in the body. Nothing to do with that. It's just like doom stro with like a really potent content being sexual content.

Speaker 1 8:12

But that has its downsides, a lot of downsides. One you know the things in your life never get dealt with, and that's a, that's a zinger. Two you know it, there's a diminishing return on the. You know the activity. It's like you can only unwrap a gift so many times and even with the infinite content available online, my brain's enjoyment of new discovery eventually gets tapped out. And then it feels like I'm doing this. It turns from escape as in like compulsivity and addiction. It's like now I just need that little bit of of dopaminergic you know high or that dopamine release, and so I'm returning to the screen or returning to sex as a means of just like you know, regulating my emotions. There's a whole lot there. Escape ism not the best way to use sex. It's, for me at least, it has nothing to do with sex. It's just has to do with me not wanting to experience life as life is happening. Grow up Braxton.

Speaker 1 9:12

The second way to engage with sex, the second way I've learned that I can particularly engage with sex, is just trying to cum, just trying to have an orgasm and ejaculate. And I want to be clear about this. There's nothing wrong with this Escapism. I would say I would kind of throw a moral shade on that. Like dude, not a good idea. Just trying to come, just trying to ejaculate. It's like you know you're wasting it. It's not like you know you're doing anything. That's like wrong or's wrong or something, but it's like dude, you're not getting the juice out of this.

Speaker 1 9:50

Having sex just for the ejaculation and accompanying orgasm at the end, it's really obvious to me when I'm in this mode, because my body is not feeling, I'm not feeling for my body this doesn't feel good. I'm trying to feel good. It's like angry sex. You know, I'm trying to feel something and my partner can feel that. That kind of agitation, I can feel that during self-pleasure, this kind of agitation, this impatience, this frustration with my body, to just feel something, this is leaving so many chips on the table. The analogy that came to mind when I was thinking about this is this is like rushing through a really delicious meal just to get to being full. There's so many flavors, there's so many sensations, there's so much that's going on in that experience and to just bypass that to get to this ejaculation orgasm at the end, which, for a guy, is very brief, strong but brief, it's like, just like, just like skipping over mountains of energy, mountains of pleasure, just to get to one specific, particular kind of experience the sharp pleasure of ejaculation.

Speaker 1 11:38

What I'm finding is that I can engage. This is the third thing. Technically, pleasure and enjoyment is the third one I can. On the flip side of the just trying to come, I can instead engage from a place of enjoying the process, enjoying the experience at the finish line, almost enjoying them. Well, really enjoying the meal so much that dessert is take it or leave it. You know, like after a really good steak dinner, you know, and the waiter comes up to the table, says, do you want dessert? I'm like, I mean, if you do the airplane trick, I might take a couple bites, but not really, I don't really need it, it's not a big deal.

Speaker 1 12:30

That type of experience during sex is so nice, it's so nice and this is this takes cultivation, this takes practice, because when I, two and a half years ago, cultivation this takes practice because when I, two and a half years ago, my body felt nothing, nothing, nothing, literally nothing during sex. It just like tried, with aggression and frustration, to finally have that, ah, that orgasm release or that ejaculation release. The whole thing up to it was nothing, and so it has taken a lot of time and a lot of practice to resensitize my body to sensation and learn that sensation grows and expands with attention. Like this has been really cool. There's so much available during the sexual experience in terms of energy. This is with my partner and with, uh, solo pleasure.

Deep Relaxation and Sexual Love

Speaker 1 13:38

The main thing here is that tuning in closer, getting a closer listen, getting a closer feeling into my body, which is why often I don't use any porn anymore, because, as fun as porn is and as enjoyable and engaging as it is, it really sucks my attention outside of my body and all the bells and whistles, all the pleasure is in my body. That's where the juice is, the experience, where I'm just watching porn and I feel nothing has felt like suffering in the past. On the flip side, now it's like all the stuff that I'm after is in my body. The porn, the imagery, sexual imagery in the world is simply just a reminder of this rich, juicy, pleasurable, blissful energy in my body called sexual energy. So doing sex, having sex from a place of aiming at pleasure and enjoyment, it feels like luxuriating, you know, it feels like really sinking into sex, melting into the sexual experience, instead of trying to get to something the slightest touch, the slightest sensation, embracing the slightest sensation. Embracing the slightest sensation, the slightest flutter, embracing the slightest sensation, the slightest flutter, and opening my body, which, I'll admit, sounds a little odd as a man because often you know it was just.

Speaker 1 15:15

You think about penetrating. As a man, you think about giving and not receiving. But my god, is there a lot of reception in sex for a man, for this man at least? Relaxing my body, that embrace to the slightest sensation and relaxing and receiving that sensation, even if it's just myself or my partner. And relaxing my pelvic floor, relaxing my feet shout out jonathan white, sexual harm food. Relaxing my body Shout out Jonathan White, sexual crime food. Relaxing my body, it's something else. I mean, it's something else If you haven't really really added the skill to your tool belt of deep relaxation.

Speaker 1 16:03

Kind of like you drink a beer on the beach. I don't like beer, but I like IPAs. You drink a little beer on the beach, crack open't like beer, but you know I like IPAs. You drink a little beer on the beach, you know, crack open the first beer and what sound you make. That's not the response that our bodies have, especially as guys, to sexual energy. It's like like pulling a leash out around a dog, like what, what, what, what, where we going, where we going, where we going, you know, yeah, completely leave your body. Another thing about the pleasure enjoyment that's been absolutely remarkable is that I can have, you can have. I'm just using I for personal experience, but I can have orgasms without the ejaculation. You know that's wild. That's something I learned from Jonathan White in his course with the sexual kung fu stuff.

Speaker 1 16:55

Orgasms for guys always being linked to ejaculation is just ignorance. It's like just because we don't know that you can separate the two. That orgasm is kind of more like the term for this version of pleasure that's like beyond, like experience, beyond comprehension. It's like this wow, you know, it's like looking at a Niagara Falls or something. It's just like whoa, you know that that type of pleasure that's just like, ah, that is orgasm or orgasmicity. Or you know like, yeah, ejaculation is this, as David Data calls it, the genital sneeze. It's like this reflex, like tickle your nose with a feather and then you sneeze. Ejaculation is this other mechanic that just happens almost always with the orgasm, and so we kind of like forget to tease them apart. So check this out the pleasure, the pleasure waves that come and go in my body during sex. They can rise to levels at or higher of the pleasure that normally releases the ejaculation response. But shout out again, jonathan White, the relaxation, the depth of relaxation in response to sexual energy renders that kind of mechanism like unemployed. It puts it on the shelf Like this mechanism of ejaculation at least it seems in my practice is a stress response.

Speaker 1 18:45

It's a response to closure in response to sexual energy, tension in response to sexual energy, straining in response to sexual energy, release and relax. Now, I know I'm taking a while on this, but there's just a lot that I feel right now as I'm talking about it. One of the reasons that this is challenging, particularly for guys, is because of the performance aspect of it. Tightening the pelvic floor causes the erection to be a little bit stronger temporarily, but it also seems to I don't know if it does or not, but it seems to kind of like restrict blood flow in a way. At least, when I relax the pelvic floor, my erection definitely goes down a little bit compared to that slight increase with the contraction.

Speaker 1 19:27

So what I found is, instead of trying to tense my body, to keep a hard on and to be rock solid, instead just relax my body and stay really in tune with turn on, and the turn on will do the trick. The turn on will be like a magnet that just pulls that thing out. I mean much better erections with relaxation. I mean much better erections with relaxation, much, much better erections with relaxation than straining. And and when there's an environment of relaxation, all that pressure and energy doesn't get stuck in the groin, and the game of like trying not to cum, doing math equations in your head or thinking about your grandma's armpit, like all of that, is no longer necessary Because the trying not to cum mechanism is like a resistance to pressure. It's like trying to hold it back. Relax, feel your feet on the ground as you're self-pleasuring. Feel your pelvic floor relax as you're thrusting or as you're penetrating with your lever. Feel your body melt and allow the sexual energy to melt you.

Speaker 1 20:41

The particular example that has come to me in this experience is my body's ability to experience pleasure is like a beaker and pleasure fills it and whenever it reaches the top, it overflows. That's when the ejaculation occurs. It's like when my body's capacity to hold pleasure reaches its limit, then the like there is just a responsive ejaculation. What I found is by the simple practice, by the simple practice of relaxing, that beaker grows. And what I found is that maybe a level two of pleasure used to be accompanied by the ejaculation. That was like oh the best, but that was just because that's all the pleasure my body could hold. And the first experience that I had, going past a level two of pleasure without the accompanying ejaculation, blew my mind. It's like wait a second, I can have orgasms or ejaculation level of pleasure without ejaculating.

Speaker 1 21:48

Here's the key here, at least what I've learned with my body. If you have a body that looks like this nine fingers, two feet, two eyes If you're a human, then this might work for you. It seems to be the cap on pleasure is relaxation. It seems to be the cap on pleasure in the body is relaxation. You know, like how much money do they have to put on the table before you go to snatch it? How much pleasure in your body can you hold before you want to cash it in for just a little bit of an orgasm or a little bit of the ejaculation? Because ejaculation is like hitting the turbo, it's like a sharper feeling to it. So you like, intensify it just for a second. But man, I'm telling you, if you don't do that, if you can just be relaxed, the pleasure just goes and comes, and goes and comes and you can go on for the ride as long as you like. Pleasure and enjoyment. So this is the stuff right here.

Speaker 1 22:46

Number four the flow of love, or just love in general. I can feel it in my heart as I talk about this. Everything I've talked about up to this point is like surface level, sensory level First feeling nothing. Well, first feeling bad. So trying to use sexy cover up, that might be an emotional thing, but you know, with the pleasure stuff, it's like not feeling anything to feeling everything, with attention and practice and cultivation and sensitivity and training to your body. Love, though this is different. This is almost hard to talk about because it's like you know, this is the stuff right here. This is love. Pleasure is fun.

Speaker 1 24:12

However, in my experience, as good as pleasure feels as my well-being as love, as much as love, pleasure feels good, but love feels so nice Love, and this is an odd thing for me because I've spent my most of my life having sex without any thought of love At all At all. It's always been a physical act. What's love got to do? Got to do with it. What's love got to do with it I don't know the words to that part. What's love got to do with it, baby? It's had nothing to do with it until recently, until the last nine months or so and the experiences during sex where my attention is off of my even own pleasure, which for a while there it had to be on my own pleasure because I was trying to connect with it. But now it's okay. I got that running in the background. That's good. Got a connection with the body. We're good on that.

Speaker 1 25:15

Now the attention goes to the way this feels to to love, to love my partner, to love somebody. It feels good to love, just to love, no matter how long you're with that person. If you're with them for 50 years or you're with them for a night, I don't know, maybe not a night, it doesn't seem like I could love someone in a night. I mean, you get a connection, but you know what I'm saying. To love, to feel that love, it feels really good and it seems that the sexual container, the sexual experience Is like a really good conduit for love. Like the same way a hug Makes you feel a little more in your heart, so does sex, can can back to that conditioning piece.

Speaker 1 26:17

If, if I practice, if you practice conditioning the body to respond with love to sex, then there's an experience to be had that is one of deeper, deeper release, deeper expansion. It's like the heart just oozes. That's what it's like. There's very few ways I can explain that. Instead of the penis, instead of the genitals, instead of the body and the skin and the senses feeling these wonderful sensations, you know, like feathers moving up the body slowly while the warmth of sun lays on your skin on a cold fall day, like you know, it's like whoa as much as pleasure feels incredible on the senses. Love opens the heart. It opens the heart Like after a conversation, where you go like, oh, I feel like a weight is lifted, like, oh, I just feel so good.

Speaker 1 27:26

Have you ever had that kind of moment where you finally have a conversation or you finally hear those words you need to hear, or someone says to you this or that tension you felt with someone for months, maybe at work or within your family or your friend, like there's just been problems and then you guys finally have that moment of reconnection. I'm sorry, I love you, I apologize. I of, like you know, reconnection. I'm sorry, I love you, I apologize, I didn't mean to. You're right, I was wrong and it can bring you to tears Often it does.

Speaker 1 27:59

That's love, baby, and what I'm finding is that, like Alex A says, don't use an iPhone to crack walnuts. You have an amazing technology. Don't use it for something as stupid as like busting, and that that's actually. I don't know if you actually intended like that, but that's funny. This technology of sex has the ability to like touch your heart, to open your heart. You can receive the same way you receive sexual energy. You know the sensations. You can also receive love in the moment from your partner and there's this reciprocity.

Speaker 1 28:44

Yeah, it feels good to have pleasure, but what I'm learning is that my emotional needs can be met through sex. Thank God I'm still recording on this audio. My emotional needs can be met through sex, and that might sound kind of lame, it might sound kind of frou-frou or like polite and like I don't know. Maybe that's just me, that's what it always sounded like forever, but I mean, love really might be the thing that matters the most. You know this. And it's also this it's a tangible thing. It's not just like this oh, love is an esoteric idea you kind of think of. It's like a tangible feeling of love being hugged like like the hug of a God. It just like it's like light that nourishes your soul. It's like, you know, pleasure is great, but if we could hook up to a love machine, if we could hook up to a love machine and our whole body just begin to like vibrate with this, like frequency of love, I don't know, I don't know if I would actually approve that sentence, but it sure comes to mind right now. Sign me up, sign me up for that. Yeah, love, baby.

Speaker 1 30:12

Last thing Bliss. The last thing, Number five, is bliss. So this is the last way that I've learned to engage with sexual energy, and this is through sex with my partner, this is through pornography, this is through self-pleasure. All of it Bliss. And this is rooted in the idea and try this on for size, maybe it's true, maybe it's not it's like a contemplative exercise of remembering that what I'm chasing down from my environment example my partner, her body, pornography, a screen oh, look at that.

Speaker 1 30:59

What I'm like peering into and wanting more of what I'm trying to get sex, erotic stimuli. Fill in the blank, what I seek from my surroundings is something that I've disconnected with inside. This is a full court shot and I hope it lands. What I'm seeking externally is something I've disconnected with inside. Back to the example of watching a bunch of porn, having a bunch of sex and feeling nothing, feeling disconnected. Flip that on its head. Now to this experience of having such basic sexual stimuli, such normal sexual experience and there being this like flood of juice in the body and just like god, I want to stretch my toes. Man like this is great, very great. Earn your stripes, baby. Earn your stripes. Um, that connection when I'm chasing what I'm chasing from the world I'm disconnected with inside, even in the most loving beautiful sexual experiences inside, even in the most loving, beautiful sexual experiences. This bliss part tips it even further, where I go like okay, think about this art.

Speaker 1 32:28

When you look at art, the real gift is the feeling it connects within you, the feeling it inspires inside, and you can either like hyper-magnify onto the art and try to look at it closer, or try to take it, buy it, add more to your collection, collect art, or you can, when you interact with the art, take in that symbolic reminder. Whatever the art is, it's just a symbol that reminds my brain of a feeling that exists in my body and I can close my eyes and be with that feeling. Be with that feeling and this feeling. Well, that moment is like a reminder that everything that I want is within. I'm reminded what David Data says in this book, the Way of the Superior man You're unhappy.

Speaker 1 33:38

You're unhappy when you're not getting what you want. You're less unhappy when you're getting what you want. You're most happy when you're free of your need to get anything at all, and all of the beauty and all of the juice and all of the pleasure that is presented by sex to me. You know, my partner's body to me, a really hot video, a really hot moment, all that it opens up and shows me and draws me in. What it's showing me is a reminder of a feeling that I already feel inside and I can choose to play the game of trying to get it from the world, trying to get it from the world, trying to get it from my partner, or instead I can allow my partner's body, allow a sexy video, allow an erotic image to instead remind me of this feeling inside and I can close my eyes because I'm not reliant on that thing. It's not the thing. It's a symbolic reminder of the thing. It just reminds me of an experience in my body. That is erotic energy, that is turn on, that is sex, that is sexual energy, and I can be with it.

Speaker 1 35:12

David data takes us a little bit further and says what you want from your partner, what you want from the world, give it to your partner, give it to the world. So what I want, what I sense when I see my partner's body, that beauty, that pleasure, that bliss, that the body, the physical body of the feminine for me, a female, reminds me of bliss and love and nurturing and pleasure. It's just like, wow, that looks so incredible. It's a symbolic reminder of an experience inside of bliss and love and nurturing and pleasure that I have already inside. And when I try to chase it from the world, when I try to chase it from the world, I suffer. When I can allow the world to remind me of it inside, I am in bliss and I can then take that energy, bliss and love and pleasure and give it back. Hey, that sounds like it landed Five ways I've learned to engage with sex. I hope this was helpful. I'm glad everything's recording.