Intentional dating sucks (but I know it's worth it)

We unpack how a “full-bodied yes” standard reshaped dating, why chemistry alone can’t carry a relationship, and the courage it takes to walk away from almost-right love. We share the tools that kept us honest, regulated, and ready for a partner who truly fits.

• defining a full-bodied yes and personal checkboxes
• creating time and app boundaries to protect focus
• honoring great chemistry while naming missed needs
• practicing radical honesty as shared reality
• using a week of space to sober emotions
• four post-date questions for clear evaluation
• enlisting trusted friends as accountability mirrors
• asking brutal questions to test alignment
• treating solitude as preparation, not punishment

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Transcript

Defining A Full-Bodied Yes

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, hello. This is a video on intentional dating. I really want to share with you this process of additional dating and how it's been for me. I heard somebody say a few months, not a few months ago, a couple years ago, that they were looking for someone that like they were looking for a relationship that was a full-bodied yes. And that really stuck with me. That really stuck with me. And that concept was actually the thing that um really gave me the inspiration and the the um the reasoning for eventually bowing out of a four-year partnership that was really lovely in a lot of ways. Really lovely in a lot of ways. And also over time was becoming unfulfilling in ways that were more important to me. So now I'm really on a search for a relationship that feels like a hell yeah. You know, a full-bodied yes. And this process has been interesting. You know, this is like the first season I've ever had in my life of in of intentional dating. Being very intentional with dating. So I want to share with you uh what I'm discovering through this experience so far. Some of the tools that I'm using to navigate, um, what is already turning out to be challenging in a much different way than I anticipated. So um I'll start off with uh sharing what's been challenging, uh, like the main thing that's been like, wow, this is hard. Um and then I'll go into the tools that I'm using specifically to help me navigate it. I think there's some pretty pretty useful tools. So uh first thing, first thing first, just to say this uh one geographical and time constraint that I have on the the dating app that I'm on is I only use it at Starbucks. And I only use it for 30 minutes a day. Uh first thing in the morning. Like, get up, get up, get ready for the day, hit Starbucks for 30 minutes. Um just that allows me to um compartmentalize it to one part of my day only, and not uh consume my thoughts checking the messages or seeing for likes or checking for matches and scrolling and all those kind of things. So that is something that I would highly recommend. Just uh I've had personal great success with in terms of just uh keeping my nervous system regulated, not constantly needing to hop on it, not checking it all the time. It also gives me something to that kind of looks forward to every every night when I'm going to bed. I'm uh I look forward to getting up in the morning and like um you know, like seeing if I got any matches, seeing if I got any connections, and if so, exploring those and connecting with those people. So it's really nice in that way. Um okay. Okay. So really uh the tough part about this, you know, I really thought that I really thought that finding the partner, finding my next partnership, finding the person that um, finding the relationship that truly feels like a full-bodied yes for me. Finding the greatest partnership of my life, the love of my life, would be quite as simple as just aiming high and having high standards, and you know, only wanting the best kind of thing. But what's just turned out to be is experiencing what feels like a very real sacrifice of walking away from things that feel really good to get to what I have in my mind. And boy, has that been oh, it's been so shitty. It's been so shitty. Oh, it's been so shitty, man. Um so I met this girl, right? I met this girl, and just to give it some context because I think it's useful. If you listen to this podcast or know me at all and ever talk to me, a large part of my life in the last two years has been healing and the and my sexual energy healing in that way, and so I really crave a certain dynamic and depth in the sexual connection in my partnership that you know people are different. People are different. There's different types of sexual modes, styles, and sometimes it's just not um fulfilling for both people or fulfilling for either person in a partnership, and um in my past partnership, there was so much, so much that we had. And the one thing that both of us routinely felt missed on was the sexual component. And so for years, for years, that has been something that's been really on the forefront of my mind, something I really want to really feel with someone, you know. And uh so I met this girl. Absolutely beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and um the romantic and sexual chemistry that we had together was um remarkable, absolutely remarkable, just um so wonderful, so wonderful, and um having that after wanting it for so long was like a cold glass of ice water in the desert. It was just like, oh my god, yes, this is freaking great. The downside though is the other boxes that I have in my mind weren't checked. And specifically for me, it was like a conversational thing. I'm like a very much a conversationalist. I I'm I'm I connect through deep conversation, through inquisition, through back and forth, through analyzing situations and comparing notes and all those kind of things. And um, oh this woman had so much love to give me and um was so open to sharing it. And the romantic relationship, the chemistry was just so, so good. But there was this theme of being missed, disconnection in the conversational aspect of it. It felt minor, you know, initially. Or it felt like it's something I could look over, but it wasn't, you know. We spent about four weeks, five weeks dating, like going on dates, talking on the phone, really enjoying the connection we had. But ultimately it was something that wasn't gonna work uh long term. And let me tell you this, my friend. Walking away from that was so hard. So hard. Because in the in the chemistry aspect of it, from a romantic, flirtatious, sexual dynamic, it was like it was everything that I ever want. It was the exact the exact dynamic that my soul gets nourished by. But there was this small quiet truth inside that just said it's not here. Now, during the experience of that connection, what I felt was a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm around the connection. Like I was really excited about it in terms of what was going well, but my heart knew that there was there were things here that are were are going to be that are really important to us that are that we're not getting, and also they will not age well. That's what my heart felt. Um, I will be honest, I am extremely proud of myself for walking away from that partnership because of just how good the sex was, and just how good the chemistry was in terms of just the the dynamic, the romantic. It's not just sexual, you know, good sex happens outside the bedroom and just the way you look at each other, the way you banter with each other. It was so wonderful. I'm proud of myself for walking away. I'm sincerely impressed that I did it. Uh, it gave me a lot of confidence in myself, the fact that I am staying aligned with what's important to me, you know. Here's a couple tools that I used to uh stay clear in that experience. Uh the first one is um communicating both sides of my experience to the person in a way that invites them to meet my needs. This feels like bringing honesty to dating. Um, what I'm saying is that throughout the experience, from the jump, I was really honest. I kept it real, uh, was intentional with communicating what I was really feeling energized about in the connection and also what I was not. I'm really loving our uh chemistry. I'm really loving how beautiful you are, I'm really loving the way that you speak to me. I'm really loving the way that you flirt with me. I'm really loving the way that you um use your words to um give me love. I would love to feel a bit more. I'd love to have more questions from you. I'd love to feel more of your interest in the projects that I'm working on or the day that I had. And um I would love to feel that from you, that curiosity. And voicing that, what I really like and what I'm also needing more of to feel really energized in this connection. That was a practice that was um very intentional for me because as I come from more of an avoided attachment style, you know, having those needs and uh deciding to bring them to the partnership in a way that's invitational, sharing them uh was like a big step. So I think that really helped. And uh for me it helped because what eventually uh turned into a disconnection, what was initially nice chemistry, but it ultimately uh became a disconnection, um, it kept it real in the room. It kept us in a sense of in a state of intimacy, uh, specifically the definition of intimacy that Heidi Priebe uses a shared reality. You know, like her and I both had an understanding of what was going on here for for each one of us, because I shared with her exactly how I felt. And um I will say one thing that I really do like cherish is that at the end of the connection when when uh the night that you know um that I bowed out, um she said that I I can't really be surprised because you know you've told me this whole time how you felt. That felt good to hear. I think that was really helpful because it just it kind of kept the elephant in the room instead of just trying to hide it on the rug, you know. So that was the first thing. Um another thing is um separation. Um I'd say about three weeks, three and a half weeks into the connection, I mean, things were just continuing to intensify, you know, like the the relationship was was culminating and there was more intimacy, more closeness, and there was a momentum to it, but my heart still had a foot out, and um I asked for one week of no contact because I could feel myself really moving into this partnership and this connection, but I also want to be really clear with myself of whether or not this is a full yes for me. And honestly, at the time, looking back, it already wasn't because I knew that those boxes weren't checked in my mind, but I was just feeling so excited about the connection. I was just feeling so energized by what was going really well that I was like, you know, I need to see if I'm willing to negotiate here a bit, or what honestly, to be real, um this is kind of another point. One thing that I've allowed, one thing that I've that I've allowed into my life recently is the permission to do things poorly that need to be done, anyways. So, you know, anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. That's the thing that I tell myself. And so I think the the heroic, you know, thing I would have done in that moment is said, there's so much here that I love. There is a theme of disconnection that I that I feel is important enough for me to honor, and because of that, I I need to bow out of this connection. I wasn't ready for that, and honestly, I didn't feel connected to the truth enough to say that. I didn't feel that in my heart. I felt like I know that there was a box or so that wasn't checked in my mind, and because of that, I should walk away from this, but I didn't feel like walking away from this. So that's still why I asked to do a week of separation because I wanted to get sober, you know. I wanted to get sober. I wanted to like walk away from this for a few for a few days and decide if this is what I was gonna do, and I needed that space away from the like oey-gooey, hot, sappy, loving uh dynamic that we had. Because who was gonna walk away from that? Uh, that one week really helped me a lot, and when I returned, I was able to articulate specifically the two things I needed more of to feel a full yes, um, as well as the things that I already feel like totally on board with. So that was really helpful, and um, I think that I'll use that probably again in the next like really momentus or momentum-filled connection that's got a lot of energy to it. I think that I'll probably uh ask for a few days of separation just to kind of allow my energy to return to me and to uh have that time of solitude to reflect and and sober up. I mean, that's the best way to know how to put it, you know. All the dopamine, oxytocin, you know, all those kind of things, just let those regulate and then ask myself does this person uh answer the questions that I have for myself that I'm gonna share? Uh I hope you're excited about hearing this because I think they're great. Um another thing that really helped me is um uh a couple questions, actually. This is I I listed out um a couple post-date questions. Um and I I was gonna share two stories because I met this girl and then had to decide to bow out. Then I met another girl that kind of flipped the script. It was like all the other things, but the the dynamic, the romantic connection was off. Uh, but I'll just keep it to this one story because the points are still the same, uh, and I don't want this to go over 30 minutes. Uh the post-date questions are really helpful. This is something I'm using. Um I've got four questions that I use after a date to evaluate whether someone was uh a good whether someone was a good fit, whether that was like what I'm looking for. Um the first one is uh, did she make me laugh? The second one is did she make me or did she ask me questions that made me think? The third one is um, is she undeniably physically attractive? And that one will turn into once there's like more closeness, uh, is are we sexually compatible? And the fourth one is uh do I sense emotional maturity? Something's interesting is that I have used those questions after each connection, like after each FaceTime with a girl, after each uh date with a girl, and um the thing that I'm noticing is that the answers I put from the first time with that person often remain the same throughout. Like after that four or five weeks with this person specifically, I'm talking with, or talking, I'm talking about, the answers to the questions I said were the same. I felt the same the night that I bowed out as the first night that we talked together. So that's pretty cool. Uh those questions have been really useful for me. Another thing that that was really helpful, it allowed me to navigate moving out of that partnership that was or that connection that was going to eventually be an unfulfilling partnership that I jumped into out of comfort is having people close to me uh that know my personal checkboxes, which there are four. Um, and being honest with them about how I felt instead of just saying it was great and being vague, you know, hey, how are things going with so-and-so? You know, yeah, it's going really good. Yeah, it's awesome. Thanks for asking, you know, like da-da-da-da. Just kind of keeping it lighthearted, instead being really honest with them. And a lot of times it was just being honest with myself in their presence. Uh, hearing myself say, you know, it's like there's a lot that I really like about this connection, and there's a lot that's really energizing for me. At the same time, I wish that I felt more of these things, and I can sense that that's going to be something that I need more of to really feel fulfilled in this partnership long term. That was really helpful. Again, it kept the elephant in the room, it kept the it kept uh reality painted on the walls, you know. Um, okay, a couple questions that I used that uh beware, these questions will uh derail your relationship or derail your your partnership, what you got going on, my friend. Um, so just be aware of that. Uh these questions are brutal. So here is the first question. Oh god. These are the questions I used in that time of solitude to evaluate whether I was like, you know, all in or not. Uh, first question. Like, if if God were to take me to a room and there was a set of closed doors, and God said, I'm going to reveal to you the woman that you're going to uh spend this next chapter of your life with, or your life partner, um, and all her glory. And this is the person that's gonna be your sidekick, they're gonna be your uh companion, they're gonna be your lover, they're gonna be, you know, your like, you know, those things. And the doors opened up in all their glory, and this person that I am with right now was there. Would I feel a bit meh? That's the first question. The second question. Do I think that I'm significantly more likely to become my ideal version of myself because I'm joining forces with this person? Do I want to be more like this person? Would becoming more like this person get me closer to my goals? My ideal version of myself? And for me, this is helpful because yes, I like this person, yes, I feel attracted to this person, yes, I want this person, yes, I enjoy this person, but do I want to be more like this person? Another way that I heard someone say this before is if someone said that you reminded them of that person, would you take it as a compliment? Do I think we are both bringing equal things to the table? This is a really funny question that I asked my friend the other day. Just kind of evaluating like um, you know, relationship satisfaction. I said, I asked my buddy the other day how much he'd be willing to pay per day as a fee to have his uh girlfriend in his life. As a daily cost. Oh my god,$25 in the daily fee. So that's funny. That's a funny answer. I asked I asked him then uh what about like, you know, when you guys first met? And he he's like he he was reluctant to give a dollar amount to it, but he was like a lot more. Ah my god, that's so funny. Um okay, so in conclusion, intentional dating has been interesting because this is the first time I've ever walked into an experience of looking for a relationship that is a full body yes, that is a yes. Absolutely, I'm all in. This is wonderful, and um, it's been really challenging specifically because I have unfortunately detailed out the things that I'm looking for, the four things that I'm looking for. And once I've set that standard, it's like, you know, let the games begin. Because um, when you find people that check three out of those four boxes, what are you gonna do, Bucko? Um, what are you gonna do? And the main thing that's been really challenging has been two things. One, just walking away and being willing to let go of what's now been two different connections that were really, really, really valuable, but just didn't quite didn't quite land right on those four check boxes. Um and that sucks, man. You know that. But well, and the other thing that's been really uh challenging wouldn't necessarily be the word, but just like new has been really being intentional, even with the time in between connections, datings, like you know, the whole Instagram or the whole um 30 minutes Starbucks thing. I use that for social media too. Like within that 30-minute time, that's when I hop on social, do the dating apps, any kind of like media, social media stuff. So at nighttime, like hella reading, hella writing, hella qigong, stretching, quietness. The house is quiet. I got rid of the cat that wouldn't stop me owing. Jeez. Um, so she's been a lot of like grounding, you know, a lot of like returning to my own energy and everything. And not feeling the time, not feeling the space, being willing to be with the discomfort of not having the partnership that I really crave, and just be with it, be with the time of um stillness and using it as a time of deepening myself instead of a time of like kind of you know um anxious waiting or um wallowing in a feeling of wanting to have a partner and oh, I wish I had this person already, or I wish that other person would have worked out, and all those kind of things. Instead, just being intentional with elevating my own self, being the best version of myself, and ensuring that when I do meet that person that checks all those boxes, and it is a total yes for me, that the energy I bring to that partnership that truly is a gift, and uh the life that I bring to the table truly is a gift, and so this time that I have in between that is like an awesome time to spend preparing, you know. So, intentional dating, this has been um an experience, and it is an experience that I'm having. Thanks for listening, and um good luck to you and um uh bringing to your life the connections that feel the most fulfilling to you.