#256 Understanding Domestic Abuse And Finding Help

We break down what domestic, family, intimate partner, and gender-based violence mean, how control shows up across different behaviours, and why abuse escalates in a repeating cycle. We also share Alberta resources, practical examples, and a clear message: you deserve safety and support.

• definitions of domestic, family, intimate partner, and gender-based violence
• power and control as the core theme
• physical, verbal, emotional, and immigration abuse
• financial abuse, neglect, and confinement
• sexual abuse and consent as ongoing and explicit
• cultural or spiritual abuse
• stalking, harassment, and tech-enabled abuse
• the four-stage cycle of violence and escalation
• Alberta supports: 310-1818, 911 for immediate danger, 211 for community resources
• encouragement to seek help for yourself or a loved one

Tune in weekly to Wellbeing Wednesday with Gurjeet Gill on The Universal Radio Network, 97.9 FM in Edmonton, or globally at www.theuniversalradio.com

IG: @theuniversalradio

Chapters

• 0:06 Welcome And Content Warning
• 1:18 Wellbeing Wednesday And Community Updates
• 2:38 Thought Exercise: Two Good Moments
• 5:59 Defining Domestic, Family, And Partner Violence
• 12:00 Alberta Supports And Where To Get Help
• 13:00 Forms Of Abuse: Physical And Verbal
• 18:20 Emotional, Psychological, And Immigration Abuse
• 20:56 Financial Abuse And Neglect
• 24:00 Control, Confinement, And Sexual Abuse
• 28:16 Cultural, Stalking, And Tech Abuse
• 34:16 The Cycle Of Violence Explained

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:06

Hello everyone, welcome to the Universal Radio Networks Podcast. My name is Gujit, and in today's episode, we are discussing kind of a rougher topic. So feel free to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to make sure that you feel okay and safe. But we are talking about domestic abuse. This is an important topic because it can happen to anyone at any point in their life. So I'm really glad I have the opportunity to share with you today. And that's because it's sunny out. Alright, it's incredibly warm. Life is good. I'm on air. What really could you need more than a beautiful day like this? I get so stoked. Honestly, I'm a very, I'm a very basic creature. If I get daily sunshine, I'm happy. Having an office with windows where I can yap, yap, yap into the mic and I get a lookout is a great, great time, as always. Now, today is kind of a rougher topic, so I do want to prepare everybody. We are talking about domestic abuse. We're gonna talk about the different kinds of words that are used to describe it, and we're also gonna talk about the different resources that exist to support you with that. There is also a uh lot of initiatives with the police and with community organizations that work to support people experiencing domestic violence. And we're gonna try and curb some myths. We're gonna talk about all the different myths that occur with domestic violence as well. If you're new to the show, my name is Gurji, and this is Wellbeing Wednesday, where we like to talk about mental health-related topics, psychology-related topics, basically topics that could in any way, shape, improve your life just a little bit. And maybe it's not relevant to you, but at least now you have the information. So should it be relevant to anyone in your life, you can support them with that information. Again, connect with us on social media at the Universal Radio and all socials, especially Instagram. Give our Instagram a follow. We've always got some cute giveaways going on there. We're always talking about the different things going on the radio. And recently we had the opportunity to have this really cool photographer in studio named Jay Walker, and he took some fantastic shots of us. So go see how beautiful our crew is and let us know what topics you'd like to see aired on Wellbeing Wednesdays. So, as you know, every Wednesday we start off with a little bit of a thought exercise. I used to call it gratitude exercises, but they're not always about being grateful. But I'm given this caveat, and then you're gonna hear the question, you're gonna be like, Doug Grigit, that still is a gratitude exercise. And I'm gonna tell you, so what if it is? Sue me. Is it a crime? Is it a crime to have a thought experiment that's also a gratitude experiment and not call it a gratitude exercise? Okay, because sometimes you don't feel like I have time to do a gratitude exercise, okay? It sounds a little bit corny sometimes. I personally like them because they're really good at shifting my mindset, but maybe you're not into that, and that's fine. You don't have to like it. That's a-okay with me. But you can call it a thought experiment, you can call it a journaling prompt, whatever you find is best for you. Call it that. Doesn't matter much to me. I'm still enjoying the question, regardless of what the question is. In fact, I actually think that we should give this question that I do at the start of every show a title, like a segment title. So let me know what you think would be best. I'm gonna give you the segment title, and then we're gonna break for a little bit of music, and then we'll come back and I'll let you know what my answer to this question is. The question is, what is something that's happened so far in your week that was good? And what is something coming up in your week that you are looking forward to? Okay, so this is a sneaky two-parter. What is something that happened so far in your week that was really good and you're excited about? And what is something coming up in your week that you're looking forward to? So stay tuned, we got an interesting topic lined up, and let me know what your answer to this question is. So it's a lot to be excited about, especially since we got a really cool jam-packed topic today. I'm super stoked to talk about it. But before we get into it, before we deep dive into domestic abuse, before we talk about domestic violence, family violence, all the nitty-gritty that comes with that stuff, we're gonna talk about that gratitude exercise. That's maybe not quite a gratitude exercise every week, but it is this week. That question was what is something that's happened so far in your week that was good, that was positive, that you're happy about, and what is something coming up in your week that you are looking forward to? So, something that I was really stoked about is I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in a while. It's nice to see them, lots to catch up on. It's always, always, always a good time when you haven't seen a friend in a while, and they just have tons of lore that they're dropping on you. And something that I have to look forward to is I have a physio appointment coming up because I've had consistent pain in my wrists, and I'm so glad that I'm finally getting the help for it. Don't ask me why it took too long for me to get help. I've just been dealing with the pain because it's never been bad. But I've finally gotten to a point where it's like, okay, I'm just so sick of my wrists being sore. I just want to feel healthy again. Please, I need help. And so I'm excited that I finally get to do that, even though it means that I didn't take care of myself for a really long time and I wasn't taking care of my wrists and listening to my body. But hey, now I am. So I'm really happy about that. So we are talking about domestic violence, domestic abuse. There's a lot of different words that go into talking about domestic violence, domestic abuse, and stuff like that. So before we really get into it, I want to kind of clear up some terms. Now, a lot of these terms are interchangeable. All violence is bad, all abuse is bad. Domestic violence, domestic abuse can be used interchangeably, family violence can also be the same thing, intimate partner violence can be the same thing, and gender-based violence can also be the same thing. All of these words kind of cover similar topics, but they all kind of have their own nuances. For example, when we think domestic violence, the stereotype that kind of comes up to mind is battered wife. That's a very old way to put it, and it's also very outdated, and as something that is shuffled out of our regular day use of language because it's not accurate. What we know is that by the research, domestic violence can happen to anyone, anywhere, and it doesn't necessarily need to be a woman, it can be a man, it can be a gender minority, it can happen between siblings, it can happen between parent-child relationships, it can happen to anybody. It doesn't necessarily mean that it can only be your spouse. Domestic violence is specifically talking about a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is with the people you live with. So you could have a domestic violence situation between roommates. So oftentimes it's used to gain or maintain power and control, and it can include spouses, children, family members. And again, I can't stress this enough. Nobody ever thinks about roommates. But if you're sharing the same roof and you don't really have a safe place to go, and you're experiencing the same abusive behaviors where someone's trying to control you and gain power over you, that's nasty violence, unfortunately. More on that in just a short little bit here. Stay tuned to 97.9. Welcome back to Wellbeing Wednesday, everybody. I'm your host, Gurjeek Gill, and we are having a stellar time, even with a kind of a tough topic. We're talking about domestic abuse. We just finished going over what the definition of domestic violence is, and I mentioned a whole bunch of other terms that are related to similar topics. So we have family violence, intimate partner violence, and gender-based violence. So family violence is when someone uses abusive behavior to control andor hurt a family member or someone with whom they have an intimate relationship. So family violence can also extend to a boyfriend or girlfriend because they're kind of like involved in your family unit. They're a partner. Again, common theme between domestic violence and family violence is that pattern of behavior and use of abusive behavior to have power and control over someone. Okay. Clue into that because that is a recurring theme. We also talk about intimate partner violence. So that is abuse or aggression that is caused by a former or current romantic partner. So this can include everyone from exes, current partners, dating partners, common law, or adult interdependent relationships, as they're called in Alberta, and spouses. It's really important to note that intimate partner violence can happen to any gender. It's not isolated, and that there's different risk factors that come with who is a person experiencing abuse. That is pretty clear to a lot of people, and it's pretty clear through research, but that doesn't change the fact that it can happen to anyone. So when you look at a relationship, it's not always the bigger person who's perpetrating the abuse. It can also be the person who's least likely. A lot of the times, abusers are really charming and are really good at manipulating public image to make the person who is being abused to seem like they're the ones who are crazy or that there's something wrong with them. There's also a topic called gender-based violence. So gender-based violence kind of relates to what I just talked about about, you know, the bigger partner isn't always necessarily the dangerous one. Gender-based violence is a general term used to capture any type of violence that is rooted in exploiting unequal power relationships between genders. So a lot of domestic violence, family violence, and intimate partner violence is also considered gender-based violence. It can include things like gender norms and role expectations specific to a certain society. It can include situational power imbalances and inequities, and it can impact anyone. And it can include domestic violence, family violence, and intimate partner violence. It can also include elder abuse. It can involve sexual violence, stalking, and even human trafficking. Gender-based violence is really interesting. And the best example I give is if you're in a heterosexual relationship and the man is the breadwinner in the relationship, but is also abusing the woman. The woman has very little financial freedom to afford to leave that situation. They have very little financial freedom to pay down payment, to pay rent. They may even historically not have had any employment or have not had employment for decades if they have kids and have been taking care of those kids. It can get quite complicated and quite messy to leave a domestic violence situation or a gender-based violence situation. So it's really important to note that there is domestic violence, family violence, intimate partner violence, gender-based violence, and they have a lot of overlap, especially around wanting to have power and control over someone else and using abusive behaviors to do that. So before we get into this, I do want to share that Alberta does have a family violence info line that you can call toll-free at 310-1818. You can call that number, you can also text 310 1818, or you can go to the Alberta government website and just search for family violence and you can do an online chat with them there. You can also talk to the police, they can help you out and get you connected with resources. You can also talk to 211, they can get you connected with resources there too. It's really important to note that when I do talk about the different types of abusive behaviors, it's not uncommon to realize that you have experienced one of these things or that someone you know is experiencing these things. And we're gonna talk a little bit more about what the cycle of violence looks like, and that's where the violence you're experiencing or someone might be experiencing just cyclical. It happens over and over and over again with times of feeling normal. So let's start talking about the different types of abusive behaviors. So overall, there's a vast amount of categories: there's physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, there's uh control, uh confinement, sexual abuse, cultural abuse, or spiritual abuse. There's also stalking and then technological abuse. So physical abuse is the one that a lot of people think of right away, and it's anything to do with throwing or hitting things, threatening you with a weapon, using a weapon, hitting, punching, kicking, scratching, or pulling-like all of these things that you tell a kindergartner not to do. Yeah, okay, well, maybe not the weapon thing. Kindergartners aren't doing that very often. But all of the things that you would tell a kindergarten not to do, an abusive person might be doing. So this is what a lot of people think of right away when it comes to domestic abuse, but there's a lot of different forms. Verbal abuse includes name-calling, putting down, yelling, swearing at you, all those things are not okay. And before I move too far away from it, I do want to note that throwing things at people is also considered domestic abuse, like physical abuse. So if someone throws something near where you're sitting or and it misses you when it hits the wall behind you, even if they say they were not intending it to hit you, it's still considered abusive. And what we know through research and historical evidence around domestic abuse is eventually that pillow or glass or plate that they threw at your head but missed it by a foot will eventually start getting closer and closer and it will turn into throwing things directly at you and hitting you. And then to not just throwing, but physically laying hands on someone. So the behavior does escalate and physical abuse is really, really tough because it means you're at higher risk of harm and of violence. But that doesn't mean that it's any less domestic violence if physical abuse is not happening, because there's so many different forms of violence. So I do not want to minimize that. Again, if any of this resonates with you, call 310-1818 to talk to the family violence info line. If they can't help you out, they'll get you connected with somebody who can. And remember, domestic violence, family violence, it can happen to anyone regardless of your race, religion, your ethnicity, your bank account level. It can happen, all right? There's nothing to be ashamed about. It's gradual. We all make the best decisions that we can for ourselves when we're in those places in our lives. We just finished talking about physical abuse. We also talked about verbal abuse. So now we're talking about emotional or psychological abuse. This is kind of the less seemingly threatening of the bunch, but it's the one that lasts like years and years and years, and it chips away at a person's self-esteem, it makes them feel awful, it makes them feel exhausted, they feel tired, and it's not nice. It comes with a whole host of different health issues that physical violence would come with, but that includes like making fun of you or your family or your friends consistently, it's threatening to hurt you or kill you, or threatening your children, your pets, your family members, your friends, threatening to expose you by sharing intimate pictures. That kind of psychological and emotional abuse is all about intimidation. And as we know, all of abusive behaviors are about intimidation and control. So physical abuse is used to try to sub force someone to submit to your control physically. Verbally abusive is using yelling and name-calling to get the other person to submit and exert control over them. And then emotional and psychological abuse can include gaslighting. There's also immigration abuse with this, where someone can threaten to deport you, can threaten to withdraw your papers. So people who are newer to Canada or don't have bhakka status, as they say, are at even more risk because of the risks that come with the other person and what they're threatening. They can also withdraw affection or refuse to support you in emotional ways. For example, if you're having a really hard day at work and they decide they're upset with you, they can choose to ignore you, and that is an example of emotional or psychological abuse. Now, anything, any of these things that happens in a relationship is not healthy. But if the person is doing it with the express intent to control you, to manipulate you, to make you act a certain way, there's a good chance it might be family violence, and you should talk to someone about it. There's also financial abuse, which is where someone can limit your access to your money, limit access to bank accounts, credit cards, or other family finances. They could force someone from working or spend your money without your consent, or fake your identity to cash out debts or make loans in your name, sell your possessions or destroy your personal property. All of these things are done to control you, to limit your finances, to control your finances. And they're just not nice things to do to someone. There's also neglect, which is failing to make sure the basic needs of a child or other dependents are met. For example, if you have an elderly person who is dependent on an abusive child for food, clothing, shelter, protecting them from harm, getting them to necessary doctor's appointments, and the adult child is not doing those things, that could be a form of family violence. It can be elder abuse based on the age of the adult child or the adult parent. And it's just not okay because that's also very controlling. You're the other person is entirely dependent on you for their basic needs. You control that, and it's your responsibility to take care of them. If you choose not to, and you're doing that to control and manipulate the other person, chances are that's an abusive behavior. Now, don't forget that domestic violence refers to anybody within a household. So it can happen between siblings, it can happen between elderly parents and adult children. It just means whoever you're in a rooming situation with. It could be a roommate who's being abusive. You just never know because can't say this enough. Domestic violence, family violence, intimate partner violence, and gender-based violence can happen to anyone at any point in their life. And it's of no fault of theirs because you can control your own actions, you can't control the actions of another person, and the actions of another person's behaviors that are abusive are their own responsibility. If you're looking for more information about family violence, you can talk to the family violence info line at 310 1818. It's a toll-free number, 310-1818. You can also text that number or you can start an online chat on the Government of Alberta website. You can also talk to 211, you can talk to police, and if you or anyone you know is at immediate risk of harm, I promise you the only helpline you want to call at that point is 911. We're talking about confinement and physical control. So control is a name of the game. Like we've talked about it quite a bit. And anytime that someone's behavior is being done to control or manipulate someone else, it's potentially abusive. So it looks like when someone's controlling what someone else does, where they go, who they talk to, how many friends they have, who are their friends, when do they see their friends. You can also limit or deny someone's access to important things, but of course, that kind of gets in that neglect field as well. You can also force someone to work beyond their capacity. And then it also involves some of that financial abuse where maybe you maybe someone even takes their paycheck. It also includes any sort of denying you being able to leave the house, denying you from being able to leave a room, trapping you in the house, trapping you in a room. And one common thing that I see in a lot of South Asian cultures is forcing you in the car. So oftentimes, and I say oftentimes, I have no evidence for this. It's simply anecdotal based on life experiences and what I've heard from people in the community. But someone will be driving and they'll start driving at really, really dangerous speeds and refuse to let the other person out of the car, even if they ask to. That is unfortunately a really common. Well, I say common, it hasn't happened to everybody, but it's happened enough for me to know that it's a thing, which is more than it should have ever occurred in the first place. Because that's an example of confinement and controlling someone's physical location, refusing to let them get out and exercise autonomy as an individual. That's not okay. And if you've experienced that, it's not your fault that it happened. And what happened was not okay. There's also sexual abuse. So this is pressuring around acts of intimacy, forcing acts of intimacy, making you dress in certain ways, making you feel like you owe the other person. And intimacy and refusing to use uh STI preventative measures or birth control or lying about using those things, those are all considered forms of sexual abuse. One common misconception that happens is that if you're in a relationship, that means you have the permanent green light for consent for intimacy, and that's simply not true. No is a full sentence, and consent is ongoing and it needs to be direct, it needs to be explicit. And just because you're in your relationship doesn't mean that you have to give intimacy whenever the other person asks. It also means you're not entitled to intimacy, depending on how the other person is feeling. It's always important to ask and double check and make sure everyone is consenting and comfortable with what's going on. We're talking about some heavy stuff today at the Universal Radio Network. So take some time off if you need it. All right, you deserve to be taken care of. And if you need some time, take that time. No offense taken. I think everybody deserves to feel happy, healthy, and safe. And if you're feeling okay and good to continue, I say let's go for it. Because it's better to be equipped with this information and not need it than need this information and not be equipped with it, if you get me. So we're talking about spiritual or cultural abuse, and this includes making fun of your beliefs, whether it's religious or cultural, making fun of the clothes you wear, the food you eat, or preventing you from practicing in cultural or spiritual practices. So this is pretty vague, but it would be even within the same like ethnic group, same religious group, if someone within your domicile, so domestic violence or family or intimate partnership is making fun of these things. It's kind of an effort to make you stop doing those things. And it's not okay, it's not cool. Everybody's allowed to practice their own culture and their own spiritual beliefs, and they should be free to do so without being made fun of or controlled or having somebody rein on your parade. There's also shocking or harassment, and this is unfortunately a really, really big one. Given how prolific internet usage has become and how easy it is to create different accounts, block your number, call block numbers, use apps and different like softwares to create fake numbers and call from them. It is really, really easy and also really, really difficult to police cyber stalking and cyber harassment. So if anybody is following someone else, watching where they live or work, sending them unwanted texts or emails, or even stalking their accounts by trying to log into them, trying to log into someone's email, um, installing cameras and trackers on people's vehicles, all of this stuff is not cool. Uh, on making unwanted visits to your workplace or where you live, uh contacting the other person's friends, families, coworkers, contacting their workplace, leaving threatening notes or even just notes on the vehicle or notes in general, implying that the person who's using the abusive behaviors has been somewhere, that the person who is being abused has been. All these kinds of things, stalking the harassment, are not okay. There's actually a really famous case of this guy named Simon Gagnon, who was a super prolific stalker. He stalked this poor lady for 18 years, and it started out actually in McNally High School. So this guy had a conversation with this girl, and I'm telling you the spark notes of it, okay, because he did some wild things. And luckily, after 18 years, he was finally stopped and he was put into a psychiatric hospital. But it doesn't change the fact that this poor woman from high school onwards, and considering the stocking went for 18 years, half of her life was spent being stalked by this guy. Most of her adult life was spent being stalked by this guy. He would imagine that they were in a relationship, he pretended that they had a baby, he would leave things outside of her doorstep, he stalked her parents, and they dealt with that for 18 years. 18 years? That's absolutely wild. So there was 18 years of evidence, 18 years of police reports, and it took 18 years for something to be done to return this lady to her regular life, to return this family to their regular life. Stocking and harassment is really, really dangerous, and it goes on for years and years, and it takes a toll on people. Lastly, we have technological abuse. And the last one kind of pops off of the stalking one a little bit and still has a lot to do with that control aspect. And it's specifically about accessing people's social media without their permission. For example, if your partner or your sibling hands you their phone and you forward all their emails to your email so that you can stalk them and keep an eye on what they're doing, chances are that's probably an abusive behavior, and it's a good idea to not do that. And if someone's done that to you, chances are that what they did to you was an abusive behavior. It digital abuse and technological abuse includes uh stalking people's internet activity, controlling their access to the internet, um, using technology to follow them, harass them, uh, control their access to social media. This one's kind of a newer one. So not a lot of the research is uh caught up to this one just yet, but there still is quite a bit out there, enough to know that it is a problem. Uh, common things include if a partner ever leaves another partner or the person who is experiencing the abuse leaves the abuser, and they had at one point logged into their email on a shared family desktop or a shared computer or iPad. It's a risk that the other person might be able to use that information. So there's a lot of consideration when it comes to text. There's also a lot of things that we don't know. So you can use technology to stalk someone without them knowing, even put tracking location apps on their phone. Eh, it's crazy just what people can get up to in the efforts they go to control another person. Up next, we're gonna talk about the cycle of violence, and there's four stages to the cycle of violence. We'll go through them in detail in just a second here. But the reason why it's called a cycle is that it repeats. So oftentimes we hear from people experiencing domestic abuse is that it was a one-time thing and it won't happen again. It was a one-time thing and it won't happen again. And what we know based on historical evidence, based on research, based on several, several millions of people's experience, if not billions, is that the cycle repeats. The first stage is always the buildup phase, the second stage is acting out, that's the incident of abuse that occurs. The third stage is rationalizing, and the fourth stage is the pretend normal phase. So there's four stages. And what's really important to remember about the cycle of violence is that it repeats forever. It's a cycle. I've also said that like four different times, so I hope that sticks. It's a cycle, it's never isolated incidences, and it's often that they'll try doing an abusive behavior or controlling behavior and see if they can get away with it. And once they see that they can get away with it, they'll cycle back and do that behavior again next time they want to control or manipulate. And another thing we know is that as the cycle repeats over and over again, those times where things are normal shrink and the violence escalates, whatever it may look like. So if it was just in the beginning, stalking who's following you on Instagram, seeing how many of your Instagram followed account number goes up, and then they start talking to you about it and saying, Oh, like who did you follow? Who did you follow? Like, I saw your number went up. And then it might go on to them trying to follow the people that you follow, and then it might escalate to prohibiting you from even using Instagram. I know I've said this number quite a few times, but I really can't say it enough. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, family violence, or intimate partner violence, contact 310-1818. It's a toll-free number, you can call it anywhere in Alberta. You can get information to help support a loved one, you can get information to support yourself. And if you feel that you might be the one doing abusive behaviors, you can get information to get some help as well. You're not alone in this, whatever the situation may be. And for those of you who have experienced domestic violence or feel that they are at the moment experiencing domestic violence, know that you're not alone. And it's also not your fault that this is happening to you. There's really nothing anyone can deserve to be treated this way. And there's also nothing we can do to control the reactions of others. We all go through life experiencing happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment. And we all feel sad and disappointed with our loved ones at times. But what separates okay and not okay is our actions. So I can feel sad and disappointed in a family member. It doesn't mean I'm gonna yell, swear, cuss them out, stalk them on social media. It doesn't mean I'm going to neglect them. It's not doesn't mean I'm going to throw things at them or hit them. That's what separates okay from not okay. So with the cycle of violence, the first stage is that buildup. So we know that violence occurs and abusive behaviors occurs because someone wants to control someone else. They want to manipulate if you're powerful by controlling someone else. So the abuser will feel some sort of stress. Could be a job, it could be social pressure, it could be financial pressures. But this begins the part of the cycle. That stress that the abuser feels makes them feel powerless, and they want to regain that power by choosing to take it out on someone that they feel that they can, that they feel they can control. So as a tension builds, it can kind of feel like you're walking on eggshells and something's wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. The second stage is the acting out stage. So after that buildup of tension where the abuser feels powerless and they try to regain that power somehow, but they don't really know what's going on with themselves, they act out abusively. So the acting out stage is where it leads to verbal abuse, violent physical, or even sexual attacks, and it can happen once or it can happen over and over and over again for a period of time. One thing that's important to note is while we can control our own reactions and we can't control the actions of others, abuse is always intentional and it is never an accident. Someone doesn't accidentally control someone else, someone doesn't accidentally use manipulative behavior. It's intentional with the power to or with the intention to control and exert power over someone else. The motivation for any type of abuse is to hurt, humiliate, or have power and control over someone. So keep that in mind. One is it's not deserved, and two, it's not an accident. The third stage is that rationalizing and justification stage. This is where a lot of emotional abuse happens, a lot of gaslighting, a lot of twisting of narratives. So the abuser will use defense mechanisms like blaming you or minimizing what actually happened. Like, oh, I just yelled, that's normal. I got upset, you made me upset. It was your fault I yelled. It was your fault I hit you. It was your fault I did this. It's always to turn blame away from themselves, it's always to avoid accountability, and it's always to diminish the other person's experience of what happened. And what's crazy is when you hear this over and over and over again, even if you know that it wasn't your fault and you didn't cause it, when you hear it a thousand times, a little bit part of you, no matter how strong we are, does unfortunately start to believe it. And that's okay. Because even the strongest of us, if we heard over and over again that something was our fault, even if we didn't like consciously do it subconsciously, we can start to feel like it was our fault. Lastly, we have that pretend normal phase of the cycloabuse. So now keep in mind that there's that building up phase where someone feels like this rocking extra, something's going on, but you can't quite put a finger on it. Then there's that acting out phase, a big abuse happens, and it can be over and over again over a period of time, or it can be one really big incident. It's hard to tell. Uh, dependent on the situation, you'll know what it is. And then rationalizing and justifying, where you pin all the blame on the person who experienced the abuse and you avoid all accountability if you're the person doing abusive behaviors. Then comes pretend normal phase. This is where both people in the relationship go back to normal, as if nothing happened, and you try to make it work and you try to minimize what happened as well, because you're like, well, he couldn't have like slammed my face into the door. If now we're sitting here having dinner together, there's no way that this person would do that to me. But it's important to recognize that it's a cycle, the cycle will continue, and as the cycle repeats over and over again, the type of abuse will escalate. So, like I mentioned earlier in the program today, if they're throwing things at your head and it's missing you and it's off to your side, eventually it will escalate to be things throw directly out of you and it will escalate to not throw it by fists and it can escalate. So depending on what the type of abuse is, we can't get worse as the cycle continues. Another thing we know is that the cycle doesn't stop without intervention. That intervention looks like a lot of things. It can look like someone leaving a relationship, it can look like couples counseling, it can look like wanting to stop doing abusive behaviors and going to co skills classes or going to therapy to learn anger management. There's a variety of different things that could be done to end that cycle, but it doesn't go away on its own. It's really important, keep in mind. If you're looking for support around domestic violence or family violence, you can call 310-8018. If you're within Alberta, that is the family violence info line. If you're looking for immediate support because someone you know is in danger or you're in danger, call 911 because staying alive is probably the most important thing. And then everything else that comes after is something that can be worked on. Also, if you're looking for just resources on domestic violence in the community, you can talk to 211. So you can call them, text them, you can online chat with them on their website. Two-on-one. They're Canada-wide and they provide awesome resources for everybody out there based on whatever situation you could possibly be in. They'll be there to support you. If you're looking for information on how to support someone going through domestic abuse, let me know if that's something you'd be interested in hearing about. Because it's pretty prolific in the South Daniel community, maybe more so than any other community. But when you grow up with the experiences that a lot of our parents have had, with the gender expectations, with the family expectations, a lot of abusive behaviors go uncontested and they go on for life. So it's not something that is unique to our community, but it is something that is worthy of the dressing. If you're looking for more information again, contact us. Let us know. Let us know what other topics you'd like to see on air. We're about wrapped up for this well-being Wednesday. It's a heavier topic, so let your shoulders loose. Enjoy the fact that you have all this information, and what you do with it is entirely your choice. If you want to forget about it, that's a-okay. That information is still there for you whenever you need. You can also check out our podcast on Spotify at the Universal Radio Network, turn it up over there to listen to any of the well-being of Wednesday episodes, rebroadcast it in podcast format. So take care, everyone, stay safe, and take care of each other. Thank you for everyone who tuned in. Stay up to date with our podcasts on our socials at the Universal Radio. And don't forget to stream us wherever you get your podcasts. This is Gurjee, and keep turning it up with us.