#282 How To Set Boundaries & Deal With"Log Kya Kahenge"

We revisit boundaries through a South Asian diaspora lens and get specific about what happens when limits are too rigid, too porous, or missing altogether. I connect healthy boundaries to the circle of control so you can stop burning energy on other people’s reactions and start choosing what you can realistically carry

• Boundaries as capacity and sustainability in relationships 
• Why collectivist and family-oriented cultures need clear limits 
• Rigid boundaries as an impenetrable wall and how they show up at home 
• Porous boundaries as overgiving and the line between care and self-erasure 
• Healthy boundaries as a screen door that stays flexible 
• Circle of control, circle of influence, and circle of concern explained simply 
• How “log kya kahenge” pulls us into the outer ring 
• Myths that shame people for limits and how to spot manipulation 
• Setting consequences without trying to control anyone 
• Real-life example of car access and following through 

Tune in weekly to Wellbeing Wednesday with Gurjeet Gill on The Universal Radio Network, 97.9 FM in Edmonton, or globally at www.theuniversalradio.com

IG: @theuniversalradio

Transcript

Why Boundaries Matter Today

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hey everyone, welcome to the Universal Radio Networks podcast. My name is Garjeet, the host of Well Being Wednesday, and in today's episode, we're revisiting a really popular topic. We are revisiting boundaries because we're gonna talk about closed boundaries, porous boundaries, and also the circle of control. So we're building off of kind of what we've talked about with boundaries before, where we discuss what different boundaries can look like, how to kind of set them, also where they're important and what they can do for us. But we're gonna do so much more this time around. We're starting off this well-being Wednesday by diving straight into things. We're already visiting a really popular topic, and that is boundaries. Okay, this is something that can change from person to person. Everybody's relationship with boundaries is different. And I want to kind of visit some interesting concepts that I didn't get to cover last time we talked about boundaries. I want to talk about closed boundaries, porous boundaries, and I want to talk about the circle of control. And this time, because we've got the basics down, all right, we've already learned the different forms of boundaries, how to kind of set them. We're gonna go more into detail on how this really impacts the South Asian population. I'm speaking specifically to diaspora, where you may have different expectations for your life than maybe your family does. You might have clashes because of that. The expectation of boundaries can be different. So I'm just glad you're joining me for today. It's gonna be something that like it's an episode I'm excited about because it's one where you can really take a lot out of it and apply it into your own life right away. Some of these segments, these well-being Wednesdays, can be more about just general information, but I find the boundary discussion is like directly applicable into your life, like right now, tonight, you can implement it. And what's really important to talk about with boundaries is that it's not necessarily just a Western, like individualistic concept. There is a way to do it in our collectivist family-oriented cultures that doesn't hurt people's feelings, that doesn't force us to sacrifice our familial connections. Before we get too deep into it, I just want to ask you what's something that you're looking forward to this summer. I was really bummed out last summer. I did get to travel like all over the world, like I visited every continent except for Antarctica, and the whole time I just thought about how bummed I am that I was missing Edmonton summer. Like I missed this, I miss seeing Jazzy Beach, and in Nutton, like it was such a bummer. Edmonton summers are really truly magical. And every year I tell myself this is gonna be the summer. So I have made myself a commitment. My goal is to climb outdoors more, and that's my goal. I hope to go at least four times this summer. So June, July, August, and then an extra freebie in there somewhere. That is my goal. It is a lofty goal, but I'm hoping to reach it, and that's something that's gonna make my summer feel good. So take this opportunity, think about what's something that you're looking forward to this summer. Because today, oh, it's just got me thinking about summer. What's something that you're looking forward to? What's something that if you achieved or you happened, you'd be like, Yep, summer 2026, unforgettable. Could it be going to festival? Could it be uh a significant event like your wedding or your brother's wedding or your sister's wedding? Could it be graduating from university? Could it be graduating from high school? What's something that once you've achieved or you've finished it, you're gonna be like, ah, yes, wonderful. Summer 2026. This was it. This is kind of a big ask, so no worries if this isn't something that you're interested in doing. I just think it's great to set goals and then know when you can look back, be like, oh, I wasted my summer. It's like, no, no, no, no, you didn't. Like you survived your cousin's wedding. That was a big achievement. You graduated, that was a big achievement. You got you asked for that raise at work. That's a big achievement. What's really important to consider with boundaries is that it's not about setting up walls. It's not about dividing people and cutting out parts of your life where they can't enter. That's not the case at all, right? Boundaries is about capacity. So it's really not just about, you know, like keeping your family away from your friends, right? It's not about telling your family they can't bug you within certain hours, and it could be, but it's really more about knowing how much weight you can hold before you break. It's not about rejection, it's about how much can you handle? And telling people this is what I can handle is essentially maintaining a relationship. It's not about overloading or that you love them less or that you're not willing to do more for them. It's just about maintaining a sustainable relationship. So, why do boundaries even matter? And let's be honest, we've all felt it, right? In a lot of our families and in maybe our greater communities, the ideal is being selfless. You give, you sacrifice, you work hard, you don't make things about yourself, you never cause problems, you're strong, you don't complain, you don't get angry, you don't get sad. Your needs come last and you take care of others because that's what love looks like, right? That's what respect looks like, right? That's what's honorable, that's what's desirable, that's how you're supposed to act because that's how everyone before you acted. And honestly, there is something really beautiful in that selflessness and that togetherness and that absolute love and care that is almost self-sacrificing, but it comes with a lot of negatives, and we can be honest when we talk about it because we've seen it, right? Like collectivist cultures, we carry a lot of strength in that way. We have strong backgrounds, sense of belonging. We don't do life alone, we do life together, and that that's really really protective factor. But we can end up feeling exhausted, hollow, resentful. We can fall into angry patterns where if someone is taking too much of us, we fight back in ways that are unhealthy. We yell, we shut down, we don't recognize that if I had set a boundary up, if I could have explained that this is where my limit is, it wouldn't have been crossed and we wouldn't have had that screaming match. And screaming matches are not part of a healthy relationship at all, but they can happen if we feel overwhelmed and we don't necessarily have the words to describe what we're feeling or stand up for ourselves. In the middle of taking care of everyone else, we can lose ourselves, and that's very real. Recognizing that not everybody's problems are ours, even if they're our loved ones' problems. If your friend is having a really crummy time at work, you can't go in there and yell at their manager. You have to support them while they go through it. And the same kind of goes for your family. If you see that your mom or dad is taking on too much and it's starting to hurt them, maybe they're getting older and they don't know how to slow down or not get involved in their own family's problems. It's not on us to tell them when and where they should step back. It's on us to support them, but not support them to the point it hurts ourselves. Research consistently shows that people who set healthy limits, who know what they need and can communicate it, experience less burnout. They experience healthier relationships and they have stronger mental health. And that isn't a Western idea, okay? That's just human physiology. You can only give from what you have, and what you have is not an infinite resource. So without setting your own limits, you're kind of running on someone else's schedule, someone else's expectations, someone else's definition of who you should be. And slowly you kind of lose yourself in it. So a common trap that people kind of get into when they're talking about different types of boundaries is that you go too extreme one way or the other. And those extremes are closed boundaries or rigid boundaries or porous boundaries, and they kind of sound like what they're named. So we're gonna go into the different types of boundaries, not in the same way that we went into them last time. This is more generic for all boundaries. And once you kind of understand that range between closed and porous boundaries, you'll start you'll start recognizing patterns in yourself and the people around you. So there's two main extremes and then a healthy middle. And obviously, we aim for the middle, but we can't really aim for the middle without knowing when we've shot too far off to the right or left. So let's start talking about closed boundaries, or sometimes known as rigid boundaries, and go from there. Rigid boundaries are basically like an impenetrable wall. It keeps almost everything out. And people with closed boundaries tend to keep others at arm's lengths. They share very little of themselves, they might struggle to ask for help or to receive help. And it can sometimes come across as cold or unapproachable, even if that's not the intention at all. So now when we look at a South Asian context, you might see that show up in interesting ways. Sometimes it could be like a dad who never uh receives help. It could be like a mom who never asks for help. The boundary is too strict, it's too firm that it's not gonna change. And it's not because that they don't want help or would love to have help, it's because it's just never been something that's been modeled or permitted, even. And it's connected to who they are. Sometimes it feels like asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that's a really common misconception about asking for help. And that's really not true. It takes a lot of strength to recognize when you need help, and it takes a lot of strength to recognize how to ask for it. Think about it like in a work context or a school context. If you know ahead of time that you're not gonna have time to finish something, you communicate it to your manager, you communicate it to your professor, you let them know not the day before, not right before it's due, but you ask them maybe a couple days before or weeks before, depending on the context. That ability to recognize when something is and isn't possible, whether it's gonna run you ragged, whether you might need more help, whether you might need more time, that is a strength and it's a skill people learn over the years. And it's something that I highly encourage you all to develop. It can also happen when it comes to talking about feelings. So it could be like a parent who never talks about what they feel, not because they don't have feelings, but because that emotional expression was just never allowed, right? You're allowed to feel angry, but you're not allowed to feel sad or jealous. And for women, you're not allowed to feel angry. There could be times where talking about it has backfired. They've been burned by, you know, judgment from others or by family gossip, and that could be really detrimental and really off-putting in wanting to share your feelings again. So it really is a collective effort in order to model these behaviors and make them normal. So if you're the one doing it in your family and you're doing it alone, don't let that stop you. It's still worth pursuing. So we've talked about closed boundaries and how they're kind of just these like really impenetrable walls that people put up. Now it's time to talk about the other extreme. We're talking about porous boundaries. And I want to be honest with you, this is where a lot of us in the South Asian community kind of end up because our upbringing trains us to be here. It's really looked upon in high regard to be able to forget everything you have going on, be super flexible, be super accommodating, be able to get everything that you need to get done, as well as be there for others. But what I think is really interesting is if all of us have this conditioning where it's frowned upon to ask for help and we're supposed to do everything ourselves, who's asking for help? Who are we helping? If no one's really doing the asking, but all of us are doing the helping. I don't know, it's just the thought I had, and I think it's really interesting. I haven't thought about it too far. So if the answer is super immediate to you, then like please, by all means, like text us, email us, like let us know what is that connection there. So a porous boundary is one that lets too much through. So people with porous boundaries have a really hard time saying no. You might overshare, take on other people's problems and emotions as your own, feel responsible for how everyone around you feels. And it's really easy for you to be pulled in different directions that you may not believe in, value, or feel satisfied by. Like me, like exhausting myself helping my cousins plan baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, like all of that stuff, isn't because I'm a pushover, right? It's because I care. This is my family, this is important to me. And there's things that I can do. For example, not take on more than I'm asked to. And even then, when I'm asked to do things that I'm not comfortable with, push back. I mean, like, I don't know if I'll have time for that. I have so much going on with work and this and this thing. I don't think I'll be able to commit enough time. You should do it without me. And sometimes it does suck to be excluded from your family from stuff like this, but it also means that I'm not gonna go to be resentful of them. I'm not gonna attend all these planning meetings and go shopping at Dollarama and make these like crafts by myself at like 11 p.m. when I have work the next day for the wedding because I don't want to resent them. They're my family and I love them. And by saying no to some things means that I can continue to love them without feelings of resentment, without being exhausted and tired and suffering in other areas of my life. There's a line between genuine care and self-abandonment, and that's where your own needs, your own identity, your own limits are permanently invisible. That's not selflessness, okay? That's not selflessness at all. That's just straight up erasure. The goal isn't to swing from porous to close one end to the other. It's about landing somewhere in the middle, and that's why we call it healthy boundaries. So if closed boundaries are walls and porous boundaries are just everybody can come on in and walk all over you, it's really important to establish what healthy looks like. And it's cool to know what the extremes are, because then you can look in the center and see what healthy really looks like. And healthy is a lot more like a screen door. Like if uh porous boundaries an open door, closed boundaries a wall, healthy boundaries are a screen door. You know, some things can pass, but it does a pretty effective job of blocking things, you know, connection, love, family, community, all these beautiful things can come on through. And when we have the energy and the time and it won't harm us, we can do some of these extra things to support our loved ones and show them that we care through our actions. But at the end of the day, you're still in control of what enters and what doesn't enter. You can open it super wide if you want to, and you can also close it when you need to. Your family isn't locked out, they can still peer through, they can still ask to be invited in, but you're less at a whim of people just pushing their way through and not really knowing what's on the other end. Healthy boundaries are meant to be flexible, they're not meant to be fully rigid, and they're not meant to be flexible all the time, right? Boundaries adapt to the situation, to the relationship. What's appropriate with your spouse is probably different from what's appropriate with your in-laws. And the boundaries at work when life is super calm and happy and chill might not be the same ones that are in place when life is really crummy and stressful. They're responsive, they're not forever rules stuck that way. And in practice, healthy boundaries look like knowing what you need and being able to communicate it. It's not always easy, that's for sure, but being able to communicate it and being able to communicate it clearly gives people kind of an outline of behavior. We're not controlling what they're doing, but we are telling them that if A, then B. If I have time after work, then I can help you with those paper those papers. If I finish all my school work, I can come help you make dinner. It's kind of sharing this idea and this expectation of behaviors, and it's honestly more important to have these in place in family-centered cultures. Because if you weren't family-centered, there'd really be no need for boundaries. You could just do whatever you wanted. You don't have to worry about how my family function? How do my parents go to work the next day if I have to take the car to school? How do my grandparents get to their doctor's appointments if I'm not living at home and I don't always know what's going on with their health? Healthy boundaries don't mean you love your family less or you want to be less connected to them. They offer a way for you to show up and be connected to them in a more sustainable and equal way. People who never rest can't show up at all. And so people who never say no, eventually it takes a toll on your mental and physical health. You know, that resentment really builds up. Maybe you shut down and you stop showing up altogether and suddenly your boundaries get really rigid because you've been walked over so many times because you didn't know how to set boundaries. Healthy limits are what make real presence and real connection possible. One concept that I haven't had a chance to talk about when we discuss boundaries is the circle of control, circle of influence, and circle of concern. Now, if you can kind of imagine three circles, they're all stacked inside of each other. So there's a larger circle, within that larger circle is a medium-sized circle, and within the medium circle, within the larger circle, is a smaller circle. And now these are all the circles of control, influence, and concern. And this is a concept that I think is really, really valuable when we look at South Asian contexts and developing boundaries, and it's something that I'm working on all the time. It's something I'm trying to work on with my family all the time, and it's something my family is working on all the time for their own reasons. So this framework is something that we see in a lot of different religions and a lot of different philosophies, but essentially it comes down to what's yours to carry is yours, and what isn't, isn't. We're responsible for our choices, not our outcomes. But there's no consequences or benefits, they're just outcomes. And we're responsible for making choices and dealing with those outcomes. So think about back to those circles, kind of like uh like a dartboard where you have like an outermost circle, middle circle, and a bullseye in the center. So the center circle, the smallest of them all, is your circle of control. That's what you have direct power over. Your thoughts, your actions, your words, your choices, your effort, your attitude in any given moment. That's it. Smaller than you expected, right? Because really truly, we don't have a lot of control. And understanding that we don't have a lot of control in our life is important. I can only control what I think and what I do. I can't always control how I feel, but I can control how I act on those feelings. Outside of that teeny tiny circle is the medium sized circle, and that's our circle of interest. Influence, things that you can't control directly, but your actions have some rippling effect on them. Like, for example, how your relationships develop over time, whether a project at school or work succeeds. You can't control that it succeeds, but you can control your effort into it and you can influence whether or not it succeeds. How other people see you, how you move through things, through consistency, how you show up. You can't guarantee outcomes because other people, other environments, systems, and circumstances are involved. Then the largest ring that encompasses all of these rings is the circle of concern. Now, just because something isn't in your control and you can't necessarily influence it directly, that doesn't mean that we're not concerned about it. These are things like what your relatives might say, the environment, whether you're going to be able to afford gas or if it's going to keep increasing like it has, whether your parents approve of your future partner, community expectations, what could happen years from now, whether you end up in the career that you want to or not. You can't directly control, or even actually, I guess screw you can't influence, but you know what I mean. This is a circle of concern. And what most of us are doing is spending a lot of our mental and emotional energy living in the rings that we can't control, our influence and concern rings, worrying about things that we can't genuinely change, and neglecting the one ring where we do have power, and that's our circle of control. So in communities where reputation, family opinion, and low kia kenge carry a lot of weight, that outer ring feels super important, but really you can totally live a healthy life from inside your circle of control and a little bit of your circle of influence. So it's really important to draw a clear connection between the circle of control and boundaries. Because at first glance, it might not seem like they're super connected, but they are. Okay, stay with me now. When we set a boundary, we're making a choice about our circle of control, right? We're saying I can't control whether my mother-in-law makes comments about my cooking, I can't control whether or not my dad speaks to me kindly, I can't control whether my cousins include me or don't include me in on their hangouts, but I can control how I respond to it. I can't control whether my family approves of my career choices, but I can control what choices I make and where I go to school, what I do for school, and how hard I try in that subject matter and how hard I try in my career. So much of that stress from our communities, that anxiety, the resentment, the exhaustion comes from trying to control things that aren't ours to control. They're not within our circle of control. Hell, they might even barely be in our circle of influence. My parents have influence on my life, but they can't control me. They can try and steer me towards different decisions because we're very close. I'm in their circle of influence, and I hope, I hope I'm in theirs, but I don't know. So, with that, it comes down to my parents advising me on what to do with my finances, telling me what I should and shouldn't spend my money on, maybe, in order to save up for large financial perk purchases or emergencies. However, my parents can't control what I spend my money on. They can't control what job I get or how much that job pays me, but they can try and influence my financial decisions. They can't control it, but they can influence it. And they can only influence it as much as I'm willing to let them. If they ever overstepped or went too far, I could take them out of my circle of influence. And now suddenly they're my circle of concern. It is my concern whether or not I'm gonna go home and get a lecture about my finances today, but it's not gonna influence me. I'm choosing to move it to a different circle. I'm not gonna let them control me. I'm not gonna let them influence me. It is my concern because I would like to live in a peaceful house. So the circle of control goes back and asks you a different question. It doesn't ask you how do I make them understand? How do I get them to stop? How do I how do I get them to do something? The question twists around and becomes what can I do? What can I do realistically? What can I choose? What can I control about my behaviors and my responses? Right? We can't manage other people's emotions, we can't manage their reactions, we can't even fix situations that aren't ours to fix. Just like if you ever got in trouble at work, your parents can't step in and fix it for you. They're not gonna speak to your manager and tell you, hey, it's totally fine that Gajit was late to work today. She just didn't sleep really well and she slept it. That's not realistic. It's so outside of their circle of control. It's not even in their circle of influence, but they can be concerned about whether or not I lose my job. But it is within my control of whether or not I'm on time to work. That's mine to do there. They can't control that. And it's really important to notice that this shift isn't passive, it's not about giving up, it's about acknowledging where the energy stops, where you're pouring it. And you can use that within your circle of control. You can make real choices and take real action. And boundary setting at its heart is a practice of coming home to your circle of control. And you could practice it and you can build that skill over time, just like any other skill in life. So, after having talked about rigid boundaries, porous boundaries, and the circle of control, influence, and concern, we're gonna kind of link these topics together. Because what do they have to do with each other? And let me tell you everything. When we set a boundary, we're making a decision about our circle of control. We're saying, I can't control whether my mother-in-law makes comments about my appearance, but I can control how I respond to it. I can't control whether my family approves of my career choices, but I can control what choices I make and how I carry myself about them and what I say in response to my family. So much of the stress in our communities, our lives, that anxiety, the resentment, the exhaustion, the anger comes from trying to control things that live in that outside ring, that circle of concern. We try to manage other people's emotions, other people's behaviors, other people's lives. We try to fix situations that aren't ours to fix. We bend ourselves backwards to meet expectations that keep moving and changing. Your parents will tell you that all you have to do is graduate high school. I don't care what you do after. All you have to do is graduate university, I don't care what you do after. All you have to do is get married, and then you're someone else's responsibility. All you have to do is give me grandkids, and then I'll be happy and you can do whatever you want. Well, who's gonna take care of the grandkids? You're supposed to take care of me when I'm older. You can't just go off to Japan. Like this constant need to control other people and keep shifting the expectations, it's draining, it's frustrating, and it is an imperfect system. This isn't to bash like the the way things have been done, but it's to highlight that there are things that we can learn and adapt. And if it makes us happier, why don't we do it? Thinking about the circle of control, it forces you to ask different questions instead of oh, how can I make them understand or how do I get them to stop? The question becomes, what can I choose? What can I control about my own behavior and response? I can control whether my family is happy with who I marry or my career or what I choose to do in school, but I can control how well I do it. I can control how I treat my partner, I can control my study habits. And all of that ties together to help with boundary setting. At its heart, the practice is about coming home to your circle of control, and it's a skill you could build. It's about linking back to what is really mine to do here, and also what is theirs to do here. They can make comments about, you know, for example, if your parents don't approve of your career and your aunts, uncles, grandparents, they all have the same opinion. That's outside of their circle of control. They can't control what you do with your career or your schooling. What they can control is whether or not you live in their home. They can control whether or not they contribute to your finances, they can control whether or not you're included in on family events. And that can be a really hard thing to swallow. It can be really damaging. But you can also control whether or not you live at home, you can control whether or not you get angry or try to see their side, you can control whether or not to take out student loans. Even in hopeless situations, there's still ways for you to take control because you're never really lost without it. It's always going to be your life to live, and that's entirely on you. Before we head off kind of into the end of today's Wellbeing Wednesday, I want to cover kind of two big things. I want to cover some common myths about boundaries and also wrap up some ideas of just like what's been going on today. So if you tuned in part way through, or if you're listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and you're like, huh? I just tuned out for the last 20 minutes. Have no fear. We are gonna kind of cover some big myths and wrap up this section because it is gorgeous, and I want to go get some ice cream before I go home and before everything closes, because it is a weekday after all. So, one of the common myths, and this one drives me nuts, is that boundaries are selfish or they're against the values of our community. And this comes up a lot because it's used as a really easy way to dunk on someone for having boundaries. Like, what do you mean you have a boundary about how much you help with the school, like with the housework? I don't care. That's your job. You're a kid, you help with the housework. And now necessarily it is important to contribute to your household, but also it's important to have expectations and an understanding of when you're doing this housework and what housework you're doing. It can't just be that every time you come home from school, you're assigned a random list of tasks. Because how are you meant to prioritize homework? How are you meant to have extra school activities if you don't know how much work is waiting for you at home? So it's really, really common, especially in communities that really put an emphasis on sacrifice and family first and make it seem like setting a boundary is a personal insult. And here's the distinction, all right? Selfish means taking more than what you're owed without regard for others, or with yeah, without regard for others. So selfishness is taking more than what you're owed, and a boundary means knowing what you're owed and protecting it so you can keep showing up. This is a theme that shows up a lot in South Asian holy books like the Quran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Grian Sab. All of them talk about caring for the self as caring for the community because an empty cup can't fill others. Another really big myth is if you really loved your family, you wouldn't need limits. And this one is super backwards, super manipulative. It's used as a way to weaponize your love for your family against you. And it's true. If someone says this to you, they're saying it intentionally, they know that you have love for your family, they know it will make you feel bad, and they know it could possibly change your mind. They are weaponizing your love for your family against you. It is a really cruel thing to recognize, and it really hurt me when I spoke about this with the therapist, and they worded it this way to me because it felt really awful that the people that I care the most about would intentionally say something or do something, knowing it would make me feel bad to try and shame me into doing something. And the most loving relationships that last are built on honesty and respect, and respect for what people can and can't give. And if a family's love is dependent on whether or not you set limits, whether or not you do something for them, whether or not you behave a certain way, then it's not really unconditional love. And that is also a really hard realization. Now, another really popular myth with boundaries is that boundaries are about controlling what other people can do. And if we look back to what we talked about within the circle of control, influence, and concern, we can't control what other people do. Just like other people can't control what we do. You can take a horse to water, it can't make it drink. You can put a book in front of a kid, you can't make it read. I say it, it's a kid, it's a person, you can't make them read, right? And a boundary is about your own behavior, it's not about trying to control other people. For example, if you show up at family functions and all they talk about is your weight, you can let people know, hey, I'm not gonna keep coming to these family functions if the first thing you say to me every time is about my weight gain. You're not allowed to speak to that way to me. Or sorry. Saying you're not allowed to speak that way to me is controlling someone else. Letting people know the outcome of their actions is totally different. For example, I used this like a while back on the radio, but my family borrows cars a lot. I live next door to my cousins, everyone swaps cars. We have a lot of cars in the driveway because everyone is over 18 and has a license, and we need a lot of cars to make sure we can do what we all need to do. So my cousins will borrow my car because my car is parked on the driveway. My family will borrow my car because it blocks in someone else's car in the garage, or it's just convenient for an easy go grab something and come back. However, with everyone using my car, my car got really messy. So I told everyone that if I got into my car and I noticed that there was a lot of empty takeout, a lot of old napkins or garbage that wasn't cleared out, then I was gonna take everyone's keys and not give access to my car until that mess was cleaned up. And that was me not controlling their behavior. I'm not telling them what to do or not do, I'm explaining to them what the consequence of their behavior will be. So ultimately, just like every brown family, they didn't take me seriously. So they continued to use my car and leave their garbage, and I followed through on my boundary. I took the keys, my family told me I was mean, they told me I was incredibly selfish, they told me that they do so much for me and that I'm betraying them. And ultimately, it came to a pass. They cleaned up the mess in the car. Okay, and to be fair, it was really gross. It was like old strawberry smoothie, like all the way down the side of the center console and on the cure shift. Come on, how does that even happen? But regardless, they cleaned it up and they got their key access back, and now they know that I hold true to my promise that if the car is messy, I'm gonna remove access to the car. And that's just an example of a boundary being about what I will do and what I will accept and what I will respond to and what I'm gonna walk away from. It's not me telling other people what they should or shouldn't do, it's very much within my circle of control. Another popular myth is that setting a boundary means cutting people off or abandoning family, and that's a really big fear. And it could mean disowning people, and that's not what a boundary is. A boundary is not a wall, it's a guideline for how connection is sustained. Most boundaries are about staying in the relationship and making sure it's equal and trusting and respectful. And unfortunately, it looks like we are running out of time here, guys. I had so much fun talking about boundaries and circle of control, influence, and concern. It's a really powerful concept, and I hope that you all take this and bring it on to your lives. Tell your friends about it. This has been Kajit with Well Being Wednesday. I'll see you all another Wednesday. Thank you so much for tuning in. You can stay up to date with our podcasts on our socials at the Universal and stream us wherever you get your podcasts, whether it's Apple or Spotify or wherever else you'll enjoy listening to podcasts. My name is Gruji, and keep turning it up with us.