Why You’re Hesitant to Set Goals | Fear of Failure, Overwhelm, and Fear of Success

Do you find yourself avoiding goal setting because you’re afraid of failing, overwhelmed by the process, or even worried about what success might cost you?

You’re not alone. 

Many high achievers hold back from setting big goals because of hidden fears  or they set the goals then self-sabotage.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• The real reasons you hesitate to set goals
• How overwhelm and perfectionism keep you stuck
• Why even fear of success can stop you before you start
• What happens when you combine clear goals, coaching, and belief

✨ If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and want to see what’s possible beyond the fear, this episode will help you step forward with clarity and confidence."

👉 Ready to stop holding yourself back? Start here: https://www.megandevito.com/q4mindset

Thanks for listening!

You can help others find the help and encouragement they need when you leave a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review wherever you listen.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Goal Anxiety
• 2:09 Why We Hesitate to Set Goals
• 6:05 Problems with Avoiding Goals
• 12:28 How Coaching Helps Goal Achievement
• 16:29 Transformational Possibilities of Belief
• 20:54 Call to Action and Closing

Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome back to this week's episode of the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm super excited to be here today and I wanna start by asking you a question. Have you ever had this thing that you really wanted, like this goal that's out there and you can feel your entire being resisting it and you're like, yeah, I don't really love goals. Don't sign me up for setting goals. If that sounds like you, if that's something that you've experienced, me too. And. I've experienced this and walked a lot of my clients through this in the process of coaching them. So if you've avoided setting a goal, not because you don't want it, but because you're afraid of what happens maybe if you fail or in a weirder way, if you actually were successful in achieving your goal, if that sounds like you, you are definitely in the right spot. 

If we've not met before, my name is Megan. I am a coach. I help ambitious women find the success, the confidence, and the calm inside of their body so that they can be everything that they want to be at work and still enjoy time and be present with their family. So what we're going to talk about today is really that fear behind goal setting. What happens when you avoid goals and how coaching helps and the transformation that's possible with the belief and all of the things that come together when you change your mindset and start focusing on what you want and allowing those things to happen without freaking out and pushing more and responding to all of the anxious and overwhelmed thinking that happens when you feel stressed out or when you might think that your goals are too big or impossible or silly or holy smokes, what will my grandma think if I actually did this thing? So let's start by talking about why you might hesitate to set goals. I will start by saying that this is something more than one of these things are things that I have experienced in the past. 

And I'm also currently working with clients who are experiencing these same thoughts and these same feelings. So if you notice that these are coming up for you, you are in great company. So let's talk about this. The first thing, why you hesitate to set goals is that you're afraid of failure. So this might be a sneaky one. Setting goals can feel like setting yourself up for disappointment. 

And maybe disappointment and failure don't seem like the same thing to you, but they really can be. So if you think about setting a goal and not achieving it, that would be failure. And the thought that I failed will make you feel disappointed, guilty, shameful, embarrassed, and all of those things. What we know is that your brain does not like you to feel anything uncomfortable. It determines that feeling of uncomfortability inside your body as danger. So it will say, yeah, that's too big. 

Not likely, don't do that and you'll notice that resistance and you won't set the goal. Another reason is overwhelm, maybe you're setting a goal that feels pretty big, pretty exciting, but also pretty impossible. If you're afraid that your goals are just gonna put more pressure on you, that you've already got so much going on in your life that there's just no way that you could actually ever do this, everything that's required to achieve that goal, you won't set it. 

And a third way, which I always think is kind of a silly way, but it's real, the fear of success. What would happen if I actually made that amount of money? I don't have any idea what to do with that. What would people think about me if I charged those rates? What if I actually went out there and was super successful and everybody thought that I was out of touch and a jerk now? Your brain will come up with all sorts of things to keep you from changing. That's kind of its job. 

We think that our job of our brain or we think the job of our brain is to solve problems and so many times it just creates more problems than what we really need. So when we talk about this hesitation, this really creates a cycle of self-sabotage where we start to play small, we procrastinate, we try to be perfect and we redo the thing a million times to have it be the way we think it should look. 

And I just want to, I always ask this question to my clients, but I want to ask it to you too. When you're thinking about perfect, I think it's such an an interesting concept. I know what my perfect is. I know what my mom's perfect is. I might know what my kid's perfect is, but what is your perfect? Because what I know from myself, my mom, my kids, my friends, is that all of our perfects are different. So when you're trying to be perfect, who are you trying to be perfect for? 

It's a really important question to ask yourself because we trip up over this idea of perfect so often and it keeps us from moving forward at all. And we also have this thing, and this is so, so common, life is busy. I get it. I am a mom. My kids are grown now, but I raised four kids with a husband who worked about 80 hours a week. I'm not exaggerating. He is a workaholic. That's his issue, not mine, but. 

In that process, I know what it's like to feel like you have too much going on. So if part of the problem is that you're waiting for things to settle down before you actually go after what you want, they're not going to settle down until you do that on purpose. This is something else that I'm always working on clients with is how do we create space for yourself so you have the time, the energy, the confidence to be able to take time to enjoy your life and still be successful. 

So let's talk about the problem with avoiding goals because it feels good to say, I have these things that I want, but it's not really a goal. I mean, it would just be really cool. We're automatically disappointing ourselves in advance, aren't we? If there's something that's really important to you and you keep saying, it's not that important. I'm not gonna make it a goal because that feels like too much pressure. All you do is spin in disappointment that you've created before you even know if you would be disappointed you're just going ahead and sabotaging yourself in advance, and that's super common. So some of the things you might do when you avoid goals is that you just stay unfocused. You just kind of flit around, chase shiny objects, go after that low-hanging fruit, which is always a good thing, but also it creates these short-term wins that don't give you any direction towards what you really want. Like, yeah, I did this thing, it was so great for today. It didn't get me any closer to my big goal, but it was nice and shiny for today. 

That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. But if what you really want is this thing over here, we have to be intentional about taking the steps to get you there. So you end up saying yes to everything because, this could be it, this could be it. this thing could be fun. I would love to try that. And we end up kind of diluting what we want, right? Like it's like, you know, I didn't do that, but I did all these other really cool things. Yes. And when you shrink your energy. When you shrink your focus, you're still leading yourself down to that place of wanting and feeling disappointed or frustrated because you're not where you want to go. If your success feels random or temporary or it's not intentional or sustainable, if there's no way to measure the growth and you start noticing that you're constantly working and not getting anywhere, that's going to lead you to burnout. So we have disappointment, which doesn't feel good. We have frustration. 

That doesn't feel good, but burnout, that's next level because that goes from something that's a temporary feeling or an emotion to something that settles into your body where you're exhausted. You start to not enjoy anything, right? You don't want to hang out with your friends because you feel bad that you're not working. You don't want to work because you feel bad that you're not with your friends. You're not creative. You're not finding success. You're exhausted. And that's not what we want at all. 

There ways out of that. And what we have to do is start setting those goals even when they feel a little scary, even when we're not exactly sure how they're all going to play out. So here are some other things that people would do instead of setting goals that feel really productive, but aren't getting you there. I mentioned a few of these just a minute ago, but I think it's important to be able to provide some context on what this could look like for you in case that felt a little abstract or you're like, yes, but I do this thing and not that. 

Here are some other things you might do. I've done these things. I still have a tendency to do some of these things when I don't slow down and check myself. One of those things is creating an endless to-do list with zero priorities. Like, you know what I needed to do today? I needed to run to the bank. I need to change over the laundry. I'm gonna write that one email. I'm gonna try and get these a few things posted. And then I have to go and I have to go pick up some groceries real quick, but then I'm gonna come back. 

And I am going to record an Instagram reel, or I'm going to put this up on YouTube, but then I'm going to go over here and do this thing. We have a long laundry list of things, literally with laundry, right, that we need to do, but we're not prioritizing what makes it to the list. When you create a list, you want to have a big rocks first approach, where we say, this is the priority, this is what I'm working on. And when you're making your list, you could start with one. 

One big task or one big priority and then anything that falls under that priority would be what you want to work on. But everything else is just stuff. It's just busy work. And yes, it's life. We're going to have busy work. But when you're trying to move forward, we want to be very intentional about what makes it on that to do list. A second thing you might do is start looking for everybody else to see if you're getting there. Did you get the promotion? 

Did you get the title? Did somebody tell you you were doing a good job today? Or do you just feel it inside? Like, you know what? I might not have gotten the promotion, but I know that I did an incredible job on this project. I know that even if nobody noticed, that was some really freaking good work. I am so proud of myself. Because when you start feeling proud of yourself, you start internalizing the like, you know what? I'm actually really good at this. This isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I think I know what I'm doing that moves you forward. But if you're waiting for everyone else to notice, especially if you are doing things on LinkedIn, on YouTube, or anywhere else where everybody else is trying to accomplish a similar mission or goal as you, and it's so noisy, and there's so many people doing the same things, that's a hard thing to work through sometimes. You have to be willing to give yourself a high five first. And if you're just staying in maintenance mode, where you're just doing enough to get by, 

Like, yeah, I mean, I didn't get everything done, but I did this one thing. Or, I mean, it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was okay, it was fine. I did something today. That's good, I'm glad you did something today. And was it intentional, was it focused? Did it make you feel like you were on the right path? Or was it rushed, pushed, frantic, and you felt like, I've gotta produce something, so I might as well put something out there today. I have to be able to cross something off my list, I have to be able to do that. 

What we want to do is we want to be very intentional about what you're doing so that you're not just doing things to do things. That takes a lot of time and it doesn't get us anywhere. And man, let me tell you what, when I moved from classroom teaching to starting a coaching business, I rolled around in this for years before I slowed down. It has literally been in the last 18 months that I have slowed down enough to be intentional about what I'm doing and to choose to not do anything as productive time so that I can get more focused and more clear on what it is that I want to say and what it is that I am helping people do. If you are relying on willpower, on discipline or hustling, you are eventually going to run out of energy, run out of ideas, out of energy and all of those things, you are going to be exhausted. You will just burn out. So let's talk about what you need to do and how coaching can help. 

Again, I am a coach, this is what I do. These are the things that whether I'm your coach or someone else is your coach, a coach can help you do this. So what we wanna do is we wanna find why, right? That's such, I know that can be cliche and that can feel kind of icky maybe, but you have to get to the bottom of why you're sabotaging yourself or why you're avoiding, know, what are you afraid of something? Is it because your brain is just time traveling back to the past and remembering what's already happened? That's a big one. 

We assume that we're just protecting ourselves or that we're being rational about things. But really what we're doing is remembering when the future is totally different. We don't know what's gonna happen in the future. But those limiting beliefs, our fears and what's happened in the past will keep us sabotaging ourselves and starting over. Sometimes every single day, sometimes every single month, sometimes every single quarter. What we need to do is we need to challenge the thought patterns. Coaches are, This is the name of the game, right? 

What are you thinking that's causing you to react? Are you finding like anxious or fearful thoughts that feel really true that keep you spinning to protect yourself? You know, are we believing everything that we think? Are we just doing the same habit and not getting any traction? Let's find those thought patterns and those behavior patterns that are keeping you stuck and say, hit pause. What are you doing? 

Why are you doing it? What would you rather do instead? How can we make that happen? Coaches also create the safe space for you to be clear, for you to separate what you want and what you think you should want. I think I should want a successful business where I'm serving 50 clients and I'm doing all of these things and I've got the course and I've got all these things. But you know what, if I'm being really honest, what I want is freedom of time. What I really want is a nice schedule that feels good so that I can have time to work in my garden, whatever it is for you. Finding the things that you think you should want and the things that you actually want is going to get you where you need to be so that you feel fulfilled, so that you feel calm, so that you've got that creative spark that you need to be successful. 

And another thing that coaches can do is we can help you reframe all of the failures or the mistakes or the setbacks that you've had as lessons and to say, okay, what did you learn? I like to do this with what worked in this situation. In every situation, something worked. I actually do this as a practice every single evening. What worked today? One thing. If you've got two or three, that's great. Write them down. I just need one thing that worked. It may not necessarily have to do with your career or your family. It could just be something that you're proud of. After that, I want to say, okay, well, what didn't work? 

What didn't work today? well, today I totally avoided this thing that was uncomfortable and sabotaged myself. Okay, good. We learned something. What will we do differently tomorrow? So what worked? What didn't work? What you do differently tomorrow is a great way to be able to assess your day and to be able to say, what am I going to do to move me forward toward my goal or toward that thing that should be my goal that I'm scared to set. We want to make success sustainable and that comes with accountability and perspective so that you don't keep sliding back into those old habits. Your brain was going to default to what it already knows. So if you notice that you're constantly having to go back and to say, wait a second, I thought I already changed this thought. Your brain's going to hang onto it really tight. Gently keep nudging it in the direction that you want it to go. And over time, it will get there. And those new thoughts and those new ways of being will become a habit. Give it a little time. 

Give yourself lots of grace and love to be able to do it in a way that doesn't make you trash talk yourself because that is not gonna move you anywhere. It's just gonna make you feel worse. And when you feel worse, you let go of your goals. So what's possible when you combine goals with coaching and belief? All kinds of things, things you wouldn't even believe. I've seen this happen in my own life. I know how far I've come since I started coaching and since I hired a coach. You guys wanna hear something crazy? 

When I started coaching people, I had never had a coach. I had never been coached outside of a swimming pool until I started getting my coaching certifications. And since then, I've gone periods of time without a coach. And I always realized, I'm like, I'm not getting where I wanna go right now. And I go back and I hire a coach. I have worked with several different coaches. You have to find one that works for you. So when you find a coach that helps you look at your goals, find the beliefs and take action, everything changes. Those goals are going to start giving you direction and clarity instead of feeling like something that feel too big, too overwhelming and keep you sabotaging yourself. Coaching is gonna help you find and change the stories that keep you stuck, that keep you repeating the habits. This is what you keep saying to yourself. Is that actually true? Are you afraid it's true? Do you feel like it'll never be true? 

We're going to help you see what it is that you're thinking that's keeping you repeating the habits. We're also going to help you make beliefs or change beliefs or create beliefs that make you completely unstoppable because you stop questioning whether you're actually capable of something and you start finding evidence to prove that you definitely are capable. It's like a giant Easter egg hunt. If you are a Swiftie and you are out there, you're finding all the Easter eggs that Taylor releases and I'm right there with you sometimes. 

You're already doing it. You're just doing it to prove that there's a new album or a new release or some kind of really exciting thing coming out. Do that for yourself too. Start creating Easter egg hunts in your own life. Start proving it to yourself. This is one of the most fun things about coaching. It's like, sounds to me like you just did something that got you where you wanted to go. Is that true? How do you already have evidence that what you want is happening? 

What happens when this happens, when you start finding those Easter eggs is suddenly your confidence starts to grow. Because you're like, wait, I really did do that. You have freedom to make choices that are aligned with what you want. You start making decisions differently. And it doesn't mean that you don't feel the anxiety, you don't feel the butterflies in your stomach. It just means that you recognize them and you're like, yeah, that might mean I'm on the right track so you start to find success and that success becomes sustainable instead of being a fluke or a one-time thing that you have no idea how it happened. You're like, no, no, no, I know what I did. I remember that happened once before. And your life starts to feel intentional instead of accidental. You start noticing that what you're doing and what you are thinking and how you are feeling is determining what you do next so that you can keep doing it. So. 

The real problem in all of this isn't the goals, even though they might feel too big or too scary or impossible, especially if you are listening to this going into the last quarter of the year where you're like, what was I thinking in January when I set that goal? I must've been out of my mind. No, you wanted it back then. Do you still want it now? Because if you do, you just have to create the beliefs and the intentional action to move you forward. 

I wanna know what goals are you avoiding because you're afraid, you feel overwhelmed, or you're afraid of success, and I want you to leave a comment and tell me, because my guess is that if you leave that goal in that comment and you start to think about it, it might seem a little more feasible. And you might notice that other people have similar goals and similar thoughts about why they can't do it. We can create a community about this, and when we create a community, we can support each other and we can all move forward. 

Make sure that you are believing in yourself, that you are asking for help, whether it's from me or from anybody else. You can talk to me using the links in this podcast episode description or on YouTube, wherever you're watching or listening to this episode. Connect with me. Let's talk about what you want and how you can get there. I do a Boundaries and Balance audit with people to help them see what's going really well and what's not and what needs their attention and their intention. 

From there, you're gonna have a step forward, you're gonna know exactly where to start. And if you decide that you wanna talk more about coaching, we can talk about that too. So check out the audit, leave a comment, be sure to subscribe, leave a review wherever it is that you are listening. I appreciate you being here. I appreciate you in all of the work that you do in your life to be the best person that you can be. I 100 % believe that we all need to show up as our best selves and we change the world. Thanks for listening, thanks for watching, and I will talk to you again soon.