Building Confidence in Midlife: How to Stop Shrinking and Start Owning the Room

At some point, you stopped trusting yourself.

Not dramatically. Not all at once. Just slowly, quietly, under the weight of everything you've been carrying for everyone else.

That is not an age problem. That is a depletion problem. And in this episode, Kimberly gets real about what actually happened to your confidence in midlife and how to start taking it back.

No "believe in yourself" nonsense. Just the truth and a few moves you can make this week.

Because confidence isn't gone.

It just got buried.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• Why hormonal shifts quietly wreck your self-trust before you even notice
• The real definition of confidence (it's quieter than you think)
• How physical strength translates to how you show up everywhere else
• Why saying no is one of the fastest confidence-builders there is

Action Step:

This week, identify one place where you've been playing small and take one step.

It doesn't have to be big.

It just has to be yours.

Craving more? Get the full episode notes here: https://kimberlyriggins.com/building-confidence-in-midlife-how-to-stop-shrinking-and-start-owning-the-room/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Let me ask you something. When did you stop trusting yourself? Because I know it didn't happen dramatically, but it certainly didn't happen all at once. It usually happens slowly. When the second guessing starts to creep in. Or maybe it's when you started apologizing for opinions you used to hold without even flinching. Or was it when you started shrinking in rooms where you used to take up space? Or maybe it was when you asked, is this okay? When you used to just know. Somewhere along the way you started telling yourself this story that confidence is only for younger women, that your best years are behind you. That this quieter, more uncertain version of you is just who you are now. Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's a bull shit lie. Here's what actually happened. You literally got so busy being everything for everyone else, you forgot to stay in the room for yourself. Yeah, I hear you. You got dismissed by a doctor, an institution, and certainly a culture that does not have a good track record of taking midlife women seriously. You gave and you gave until there was nothing left in the tank. Not because you broke, but because nobody told you to stop pouring. And a woman running on empty, she doesn't walk tall. Not because she's not capable, because she's been giving away everything she needs to function. Confidence isn't something you lose with age. It's something that just gets buried under years of not sleeping, not eating enough, not lifting, and not saying no. And today, we're digging it back out.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Welcome to the Love Your Naked Ass podcast, the Midlife Rebellion Edition. I'm your host, Kimberly Riggins, health and life coach, holistic nutritionist, and your go-to bullshit detector for all things midlife. If you've ever rolled your eyes at the phrase aging gracefully, you're my kind of rebel. Because midlife isn't about swelling down, it's about showing up, speaking up, and maybe flipping a few tables along the way. So grab your coffee or your cocktail. I'm not here to judge. It's time we raise some hell, laugh a little, and love our naked asses again. Let's do this.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Hey, hey! Welcome back, Rebels. Let's get right into it. So, why does confidence get wrecked in midlife? Because nobody talks about this part, that confidence piece. Everyone's talking about the hot flashes and the belly fat and the brain fog, and yes, listen, all of that is real. But what about the hit to your self-trust? That one sneaks up on you. Here's what's actually happening. When estrogen and progesterone start shifting, your nervous system gets more reactive. That just means your stress tolerance drops, your sleep gets wrecked, and when you're not sleeping, you're not thinking clearly. Which makes you not as sharp and you're not as steady. So you second guess yourself more. You feel less capable, even when nothing about your actual capacity has changed. Add in that cultural noise, well, here you have it, right? The world that celebrates youth and treats midlife women like they've aged out of relevance. Or the doctors who tell you, your blood work looks fine when you feel like a shell of yourself. Or what about the invisible labor that never stops? Or the mental load you've been carrying for so long you forget it wasn't everyone's job. Of course your confidence took a hit. It didn't go anywhere. It just got buried under a pile of shit. And that's a very different problem with a very different solution. Let me tell you something I don't talk about much. In the summer of 2016, I found out I had cancer. Breast cancer. And I had to make decisions fast. By October, I had a double mastectomy. I was still in recovery when my dad lost his battle with cancer that December, ten days before Christmas. Ten fucking days. And you know what I did? I functioned. I made the calls, I handled the arrangements. We cremated my father and I held it together like I always did. I showed up for everyone else because that was what I thought was my role. That was my identity, if I'm being completely honest. I was the fixer, the one who handled it, the one who didn't fall apart. But here's the thing that I learned. I was always confident, that was never the issue. The issue was that my confidence had quietly become tied to one thing. Being needed. If I was fixing something, I was valuable. If I was holding everyone else together, I had a purpose. If I stopped moving, I might actually have to feel something. So I never stopped. Not really, not for years. When I look back, I realize I never grieved my dad the way he deserved. I didn't really grieve him the way I deserved either. And then my mom got sick. And she fought for years. It was a long road, and I was there for all of it. She passed in 2024. But this time it was different. Because by then I had started doing the work. I had started untangling my worth from my usefulness. I had learned, slowly and quite painfully, I might add, that I didn't have to earn my place in a room by being the person who fixed everything in it. Now don't get me wrong, when I lost my mom, I was still devastated. But I was present for it in a way I hadn't been before. I actually let myself feel it. That's the difference. I didn't rebuild my confidence. I had to rebuild my identity. I had to figure out who I was when nobody needed me to fix anything. That is the work nobody talks about. It's not a glow-up. It's a reclamation. So let's talk about the real definition of confidence for a second. Can we just throw out the standard definition right now? Confidence is not loud. It is not fearless. It is not the woman in a power suit who never doubts herself. That's performance. And performances are exhausting. Real confidence is quieter than that. It looks like telling your doctor, hmm, yeah, I hear you, and I need to look deeper. It looks like leaving the room and the conversation stops serving you. It looks like eating the meal that actually nourishes you instead of the one that performs wellness. You know exactly what I'm talking about here. It looks like starting the thing without waiting for permission. It looks like saying, I don't know, without it meaning something is wrong with you. Real confidence is not the absence of doubt, it's acting in spite of it. It's trusting that your instincts are worth listening to, even when the world hasn't been great about confirming that. Here's the reframe. Confidence is not something you build by feeling better about yourself. It's something you build by doing things that prove to yourself you can be trusted. One rep at a time, one no at a time, one hard conversation at a time, one thing at a time. You don't think your way into confidence, you move your way into it. So, how do we actually build it? What are some practical steps we can take? Let's get really specific here. Because believe in yourself? Well, that's useless advice, and I will not insult you with it. Here is what actually works. Lift something heavy. I know that sounds strange, especially for what we're talking about, but I'm serious. This is not a metaphor. When you walk into a gym and you pick up something you couldn't pick up six months ago, your body gets proof you are capable. That proof lives inside of you. It doesn't evaporate when someone ignores you in a meeting. Physical strength translates every single time. How about keeping the promises you make to yourself? This one is big. Because I know if you ask yourself honestly, you will not be able to raise your hand and say that you keep your promises to yourself. Every time you say you're going to do something and then you don't, you chip away at self-trust. So let's start small. Make promises you can actually keep. Then keep them. Watch what happens to how you feel about yourself over time when you actually keep those promises. The next one, and possibly my favorite, is kill your inner bitch. Yes, kill your inner bitch because you know why? She's an asshole. She lies to you. She is the voice that says you're too old, too far behind, too much, not enough, and the list goes on and on and on. She is not wisdom, she's recycled fear. And you don't have to believe every thought you think. Argue back. Out loud if you need to. I know you might look crazy, but I promise you it works. Next, get your basics right. I know that sounds boring, but you have to build a foundation first. What does that mean? It means protein, sleep, lifting, boundaries. I know I say this constantly, but I say it because it's true. A woman who is sleeping, eating enough, moving her body does not have the same relationship with self-doubt as a woman who is running on empty. It's a proven fact. You cannot think your way out of running on fumes. You have to fuel your way out. And last but not least, we just talked about this last episode. Say no to something this week. One thing: no explanation needed, no essay about why, just no. Notice that the world does not end. Notice how you feel afterward. That feeling is confidence. Alright. As I always do, here's your one action step for the week. The one brave thing. I want you to identify one place where you've been playing small. Just one one room where you've been quiet when you had something to say. Maybe one decision you've been waiting on permission to make. One thing you've been putting off because you're not sure you're ready. You're not gonna wait anymore. This week you need to take that one step. Speak up. Send an email, book the appointment, start the damn thing. Confidence is built on evidence. Let me say that again. Confidence is built on evidence. So give yourself some. Here's what I want you to walk away with today. You are not behind. You are not too late. You are not a dimmer version of who you used to be. You are a woman who has been running herself into the ground for other people and you forgot to stay on your own damn list. That ends when you decide it ends. That ends today. Not when your hormones cooperate, not when your life gets less busy, not when someone finally gives you permission. Now it starts now. You are imperfectly perfect, so own your shit, enjoy your life, and never apologize for who you are. Alright. Next week, we're talking about something I think every woman in midlife needs to hear: redefining success. Society has been feeding us this one size fits all idea of what success is supposed to look like. And honestly, in my opinion, it's complete bullshit. We're gonna talk about how to stop measuring yourself against someone else's yardstick and start rewriting the rules on your own terms. So if you've ever looked around and thought, is this all there is? You don't want to miss that one. Make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss it. I'll talk to you soon.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

And that's a wrap for this week's episode of the Love Your Naked Ass podcast, the Midlife Rebellion Edition. If you're loving the show, be sure to smash that subscribe button, drop a rating, or leave a review. Because we're not here to tweak gold narrative. We're here to torch it, rewrite it, and make damn sure every woman knows midlife is her time. Don't forget to join me on Substack at Rebel Midlife, where we get raw, real, and a little rebellious about what it means to thrive in this chapter. I'm Kimberly Riggins, signing off with this reminder Midlife isn't a crisis, it's your comeback story. Catch you next time, Rebel.