The Power of Co-Regulation

In this episode, I explore the transformative power of co-regulation and why it might be the missing piece in your journey to freedom from binge eating. I'll share what happens in your brain and body when you connect with someone safe, why isolation often triggers binge behaviors, and how to find sources of co-regulation even when human connection feels risky. 

I open up about my personal story of finally sharing my binge eating struggles with my husband after years of suffering in silence and explain why gentleness - not harshness - is the path to lasting change.

If you're tired of fighting your food struggles alone, this episode offers both the science and practical strategies to help you heal through connection. 

For personalized support in a safe, judgment-free space, my Swift Support Sessions provide an opportunity to experience the power of co-regulation firsthand. These two focused sessions can help you feel truly seen and understood, perhaps for the first time, as you navigate your relationship with food.

Cultivate Group Coaching Program is open now. Learn more and join. 

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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Last week, we explored how I regulated my nervous system in real time when things went sideways during a workshop. Today, we're diving into something even more powerful: co-regulation, and how this missing piece might be exactly what you need to finally find freedom with food. Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body. If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone. I've been there too. I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. Your breakthrough starts now. Hello, trusted listener. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are genuinely seeking understanding about your relationship with food. And I trust that you're open to discovering new perspectives that could transform your healing journey. I also trust that something in today's episode will resonate deeply with you and potentially shift how you approach your relationship with food and with others. So recently I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Shauna Samuel on her podcast called The Mental Offload. And we had an amazing conversation about the nervous system. And as we talked, we talked about the topic of co-regulation. And I realized afterward that while this is a concept I work on a lot with my clients, I've never actually dedicated an entire episode to discussing it with you. So today on the podcast, we're going to explore what co-regulation is, why it matters so much for those of us who struggle with binge eating, and how you can begin to incorporate it into your healing journey. Now, if you're curious about the mental offload podcast, it's specifically designed for high-achieving women. So if that's you, I highly recommend checking it out. Shauna is amazing. She has great content. And if you are navigating a woman navigating the professional field, there are a lot of amazing resources there for you. But our conversation today is for everyone who struggles with binge eating, regardless of your profession, your achievements, or your gender. We are here to talk about co-regulation and how it relates to binge eating. So what exactly is co-regulation, anyway? Simply put, it's the mutual regulation of emotional states between people. When we co-regulate with someone, our nervous systems are in communication with each other. So you hear people talking about regulating their nervous systems or their nervous systems being in a dysregulated state. Co-regulation is co-regulating, being getting yourself into regulation in your nervous system with someone or something else. So one person's calm state can help bring another person from a state of dysregulation back to regulation. We actually don't have to regulate ourselves. Now, is it nice to be able to self-regulate? Yes, of course. And as regulation, the ability to regulate yourself, the ability to regulate your nervous system, as this is something that you are learning and you are developing the skill of, it makes sense that you might need to borrow someone else's nervous system to help you learn how to regulate while you learn how to regulate yourself. It is literally one of the ways that we learn how to bring in this skill of self-regulation. So think about this. Think about how a mother soothes a crying baby. The baby is not capable of calming themselves down, but through the mother's calm presence, her steady heartbeat, her gentle voice, her warm embrace, the baby's nervous system begins to settle. The mother is co-regulating with the baby. The mother brings that presence, that sense to the baby. Now, as I say this and as you listen to that description, that may not have been your experience with your mother. That may not have been your experience as a baby. And so if that was the case, and if you even just noticed listening to that story, if you notice some activation in your nervous system, if you noticed yourself feeling a little like you could feel some something in your body, that is a little bit of dysregulation coming up. So I want to acknowledge not everyone had a mother or a primary caregiver who was able to provide that co-regulation, that regulation for when we were younger. And if that is the case for you, it makes sense why for some people the ability to self-regulate is much more challenging. Now, even if it's challenging, that does not mean it's impossible. Regulation, the ability to regulate your nervous system, whether it is self-regulating, co-regulating with somebody else, it is a skill. You can increase it with practice. Now, I also want you to know, even with this description with the mother and the baby, it might seem like something we outgrow that need for somebody else to come and be a calming presence and to help us when we're when we're struggling. The truth is we never stop needing co-regulation. I want you to hear that again. We never stop needing co-regulation, which means we always need co-regulation. As adults, we're just expected to handle things on our own more often, but this expectation doesn't match our biological reality. So this brings me to why co-regulation is really relevant for anyone who struggles with binge eating. Many people have been taught that needing help is a weakness. It's a sign of weakness. This was me. I really felt like I should be able to do it all on my own. I can handle it. Uh, being able to be independent and do things for myself, I had a lot of pride in that. I did not want to ask for help. I did not want to ask for somebody to um help me when I was struggling. I did not want to be perceived as weak. So many people, myself included, in the past, internalized this belief that they should be able to handle everything, including their eating behaviors, completely on their own. And I see so much of myself in that. When I look back and I see how I was really trying to solve my binge eating on my own. For years, I can do it. I can just research, I can read, I can figure it out. And I see this so often with my clients, particularly those who are high achievers in various areas of their lives. But you don't have to be a high achiever for this challenge to impact you. It affects people from all walks, all professions, and all backgrounds. And here is what happens: when we lack healthy co-regulation in our lives, many of us turn to food as a substitute. Food becomes the thing that soothes us, comforts us, and regulates our emotional state. At least temporarily. It's no coincidence that binge eating almost always happens when we're alone. In isolation, without the regulating presence of a supportive other, our nervous system seeks regulation however it can get it. And the other thing that happens is that the shame that surrounds binge eating creates a vicious cycle of isolation. The more ashamed we feel, the less likely we are to reach out for connection, which further increases our reliance on food for comfort, which deepens our shame, and round and round it goes. So there we are on the cycle. We're ashamed. But I need regulation, I need comfort. So then we go back to the food and we stay in that cycle. There's often a sense of I should know better, or I should be able to figure this out on my own. And this perfectionism makes it even harder to be vulnerable and to seek the co-regulation that you need. All right, let's talk a little bit about the science behind co-regulation because understanding this can help remove some of the shame around needing other people. Our nervous systems developed in connection with others. Humans are biologically wired for co-regulation. This isn't some nice to have addition to your healing toolkit. It's fundamental to how we function as humans. So Dr. Stephen Porgis's polyvagal theory explains that our nervous systems are constantly evaluating safety through something called neurosception. It is the internal perception of our body. It happens below our conscious awareness. This is literally when our brain, the amygdala, that survival part of our brain, is constantly scanning, seeing, am I safe? And when we perceive safety in connection with another person, what happens is our vagal tone, you may have heard of your vagus nerve, topic for another time, but it improves. And this helps regulate not just our emotions, but also our eating behaviors. So our brains have these specialized cells. They are called mirror neurons. They allow us to attune to others' emotional states. Makes sense, right? A mirror neuron. It's like looking in the mirror. These neurons activate both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing that action. This includes emotional states. So this is why you might find yourself feeling anxious around an anxious person or calm around a calm person. So you might like to think of this as kind of like a form of neural Wi-Fi. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with others around us. And interestingly, studies have shown social isolation activates the same regions in our brain as physical pain. When we say that loneliness hurts, that's not just a metaphor. Our brains process social isolation as a genuine threat to our survival. Now, it's important to understand that co-regulation works in both directions. When you're around someone else who is activated and distressed, one of two things typically happens. Either you co-regulate them and they calm down if you start in a in a set in an in a regulated state, or they influence your state and you end up more activated yourself. Think about the last time you were around somebody else who was activated and distressed. Just bring yourself back to that scenario and think back to, huh, what happened there? Did my nervous system get activated along with theirs? Or were they around me long enough in a calmer nervous system that they actually calm down? Which one happened? When the scenario happens where your nervous system gets activated as you're around somebody else who is in an activated and distressed state, that is actually co-disregulation. So instead of helping each other regulate, you amplify each other's distress. We have all been in this situation. This often happens in families or in close relationships where multiple people are struggling with their own regulation. So for example, imagine that you're feeling anxious about an upcoming event and you talk to a friend who immediately begins catastrophizing and sharing their own anxieties. Instead of feeling better, you leave that conversation feeling even more stressed. That's co-disregulation. But on the flip side, if you talk to someone who listens calmly, who acknowledges your concerns without amplifying them and helps you see the situation more clearly, you'll likely leave feeling more settled. That's effective co-regulation. Now, a couple of quick points here for you. Number one, if you are around somebody who is dysregulated and you want to have a conversation with them, I just want you to understand my viewpoint. I just want you to think through this in a logical, rational way. I want you to remember when somebody is activated, they do not have access to their logical brain. It is not likely you are going to have a nice, rational conversation. So expecting somebody who is activated to be able to kind of be in a calm, rational place is not a recipe for success. So what you want to do is give them space, give them space for their nervous system, for that for them to get into a regulated state. When they are regulated enough, they don't have to be perfect, but when they are regulated enough, they have a little bit more of that thinking brain on board, then you can come back to the conversation. But forcing somebody to try to see your perspective, see your point of view, listen to you, respond rationally when they are activated is always going to be a recipe for disaster. So you might give them some space. Even if you aren't the one who is going to help them regulate, trying to get their thinking brain on board before they've actually kind of regulated themselves or found their own regulation through other means is not likely going to happen. Now, here's another important point. Not everyone you try to talk to or try to co-regulate with will bring you regulation. This isn't just a bring in another person and you will automatically be co-regulated. We have all experienced that. Somebody comes in, they are trying to help you feel better. They're trying to say something to help regulate you, to help bring you some calm or some comfort. And whatever they say, you're like, that is not helpful. So it might take some trial and error to find the right person to co-regulate with. But you will know who feels safe. Your body, that neurosception that we talked about earlier, that neurosception and your body will tell you when somebody is safe, when you have that experience. When you're with someone who feels safe, you will notice your breathing slowing down. You might notice your shoulders relaxing. Maybe even a sense of relief washing over you. Your nervous system is giving you important information here. So pay attention to it. Now, some people in your life might be wonderful in many ways, but not great co-regulators for you. Perhaps they get too activated by your distress. Maybe they jump too quickly into problem-solving mode when what you really need is presence and understanding. Be patient with yourself as you explore who in your life helps your nervous system feel safe. And remember, this isn't about judging the people who don't. It's about recognizing what you need in moments of distress. My husband and I still have moments where we talk about this, where one of us might be struggling with something and the other one might kind of go a little bit quickly into that problem-solving mode. We have done this enough times now where we can just tell the other person, I feel like you're trying to solve this, where right now I just need you to listen. I just need you to be here. I don't, I'm not ready to solve anything. But we've done this long enough, we can have that conversation with each other now. We can feel the difference. And only the person on the receiving end can feel. Is this helping me? Is this co-regulating me? Or is what I'm hearing actually bringing in a little bit more activation? This is a matter of practice tuning in, seeing what's helpful and what's not. Now you might be asking, what if connecting with another person doesn't feel safe right now? Maybe past relationships have been hurtful, or the people in your current life are not able to provide that regulatory support. There are still ways to experience co-regulation. This doesn't have to be only with another human being. Nature. Nature can be a powerful co-regulator. The rhythmic sounds of waves, the gentle movement of trees in the wind. Even the predictable cycle of sunrise and sunset can help regulate our nervous systems. Getting out into the sunshine if you're in a period of time, in a period of the year where sunshine is available. Animals, especially pets, offer non-judgmental regulatory support. There is a reason therapy dogs are so effective. Their calm, accepting presence helps our nervous system settle. Even soft objects like stuffed animals or weighted blankets can mimic aspects of co-regulation through deep pressure and sensory comfort. And yes, even listening to podcasts like this one can create a sense of co-regulation. When you hear a calm, supportive voice speaking directly to your experience, it can help your nervous system feel less alone and more regulated. This isn't a replacement for in-person connection, but it can be a helpful bridge when that's not available. Now, that said, there is something uniquely powerful about being in the presence of someone who you trust deeply. When you're with a safe person, someone who can listen without judgment, who can hold space for your experience without trying to fix or change you, profound healing becomes possible. I've seen this countless times in my work. So many clients have told me, you are the first person I have ever talked to about this. Just being seen, supported, and understood can be healing in itself. When we feel safe with another person, our defenses naturally lower. We don't have to expend so much energy hiding or pretending or keeping it all together. And in that space, Of safety, we become open to looking at our behaviors in a new way. A way that leads to genuine healing rather than temporary fixes. So I want to share a personal story about the power of co-regulation. For years, I struggled with binge eating in silence. I was so ashamed of my behavior that I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, not even my husband. I suffered alone after each binge, consumed by shame and self-judgment. And when I finally gathered the courage to tell my husband about my binge eating for the very first time, I couldn't even look at him. I was laying on our bed with my arm over my eyes, my eyes in the crook of my elbow. I had so much shame. I was certain he would have the same negative thoughts about me that I had about myself. I was prepared for judgment, disappointment, and maybe even a little disgust. But that's not what happened at all. He met me with such gentleness and kindness that it completely disarmed my shame. And his response helped me see myself through different eyes. Now, eventually, after years of suffering in silence, he became a great source of co-regulation for me. And that experience taught me how powerful it can be to have someone respond to your most vulnerable moments with compassion instead of judgment. And this source of co-regulation, this did not just happen with one conversation. It took time for that safety to develop. But now it is there. It is such a strong presence. So Einstein famously said, we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. When we stay in shame and judgment around our binge eating, we're trying to fix ourselves from the same mindset that created the problem in the first place. But with co-regulation, we can shift to understanding ourselves. I remember sharing with one of my eating disorder therapists about a binge that I had. And I was feeling so much intense shame. And as I told her the story about the entire situation, her gentle response was simply, of course you binged. Now, she wasn't condoning it. She wasn't suggesting I couldn't change, but she was seeing the perfectly understandable reasons behind my behavior, which allowed me to see them too. I remember feeling this sense of relief when she said that. Now, I can already hear some of you thinking, but wait a second, if I am soft or gentle with myself and say, oh, of course that happened. I will never change. Or you might be thinking, I don't want anybody else to see this part of me or to know about my struggles. Maybe you're thinking, I really should know all of this. I should know better by now. Now, all of these concerns are completely understandable. Many of us have built our lives on discipline and high standards. But here is the paradox. Harsh self-criticism actually perpetuates binge behaviors rather than resolving them. When we judge ourselves harshly, we activate the threat response in our brain. That same response that drives us to seek comfort in food. So the very criticism we think will help us stop binge eating often actually leads to more of it. Being vulnerable with somebody else about your struggles does not mean that you're weak. Quite the opposite. It takes tremendous courage. And remember, your brain may have been trained to equate harshness with motivation and progress. It may take time to recognize that compassion is actually more effective for creating lasting change. All right, so how can you begin incorporating healthy co-regulation into your life? Here are some concrete strategies. First, consider some scheduled check-ins, whether this be with a trusted friend or even a professional. This is something that I do with my private clients. We have our calls, and in between calls, I love to check in. These brief check-ins provide just enough co-regulation to help navigate challenging moments without spiraling into binge behaviors or extended periods of time of feeling out of control. You can also try body-based practices done with other people. So this could be like a yoga class or even going on a walk with a friend. Moving your body alongside others combines the regulatory benefits of movement and connection. You can use technology intentionally for connection. So this might be a video call where you can see facial expressions and hear voice tones. This is much more regulating than just simply a text. Lastly, look for micro moments of connection throughout your day. Genuine eye contact with the barista. A real conversation with a colleague rather than small talk. Smiling at someone at the grocery store. These brief connections still influence our nervous system in positive ways. All right, I want to distinguish one more thing before we wrap up. It's important to distinguish healthy co-regulation from codependency. In healthy co-regulation, both people maintain their autonomy while supporting each other's emotional regulation. But in codependency, boundaries blur. One person takes excessive responsibility for the other's emotional state. Healthy co-regulation enhances your capacity for eventual self-regulation, while codependency creates unhealthy dependence. In co-regulation, both parties contribute to the relationship. But in codependency, you've got an uneven power dynamic. So if you notice yourself feeling responsible for everybody else's emotions, losing your own sense of self in relationships, or being unable to tolerate others' discomfort, you might be slipping from co-regulation into codependency. All right, I want to offer you a simple practice that you can try this week. This is called the regulation reset. So before you go into a situation that might be triggering for your eating behaviors, maybe it's a stressful meeting, maybe it is going out to eat at a restaurant, or even just the end of a long day if you know that that on your way home from work or after everybody goes to bed is kind of your challenging time. I want you to take 60 seconds to connect with a supportive presence to intentionally create some co-regulation. So what would this look like? This could be a quick call to a friend. It could be looking at a photo of someone who makes you feel safe. It could be repeating words of encouragement or your favorite phrase from a favorite person in your life. Something that makes you feel both supported and connected. Maybe it's you've got this. I believe in you. Or even this too shall pass. Notice how this brief moment of connection impacts your ability to navigate the situation and how it impacts your whether or not you need to turn to food in that moment, or if it changes it at all. Because even tiny doses of co-regulation can make a significant difference. All right, as we wrap up, I want to remind you: seeking co-regulation is not a sign of weakness. It's actually a sign of wisdom. Even as somebody who helps others with these exact issues, I still need and benefit from co-regulation myself on a very regular basis. I can look back and see the difference between how I was trying to do this all on my own and how much I really do use co-regulation now. So get curious about this for yourself. And if you've been trying to heal your relationship with food entirely on your own, I want you to consider that co-regulation just might be the missing piece within that bigger missing piece of the nervous system itself. If you are looking for a safe place to experience this kind of supportive connection, my Swift support sessions are specifically designed to provide co-regulation without long-term commitment. These sessions offer you the chance to be fully seen and understood, maybe even for the first time in your struggle with food. And from that place of safety, we can begin to unravel the patterns that have kept you stuck. So if you want to find out more about that, I'll put a link in the show notes. You can also go to janepilger.com forward slash support. Thank you for being a trusted listener today. I hope this has been helpful as you really understand the power of co-regulation. And I want you to remember connection isn't just nice to have, it is necessary for healing. I'll see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you will want to be sure to follow me on Substack. There you'll find additional articles, discussion, and the library of all of the podcast episodes to help you on your journey with food. You can also access deep dive workshops and get behind the scenes audio and video that will help you understand and overcome your food struggles. Find me under the peaceful eater at janepilger.substack.com. I'll see you there.