How to Respond to "I Can't Handle This"

Do you know the words that float through your mind right before a binge? It's likely that they are some version of "I can't...".

I can't count how many times I binged, truly believing that I couldn't handle the feeling in my body. (Notice what I did there starting that sentence with I can't...!)

Today, we are diving into this topic. How do you figure out what is going through your mind before a binge? For many people, there is nothing there - just a compulsion to get the food. Tune in to discover how to gain awareness of the words that send you to the food and how to create a new response for yourself.

Discover four key steps to going from someone who thinks they can't handle it to someone who is willing to get curious, shift their perspective, and get clear on what is really holding them back. This episode has the potential to transform the way you think about yourself.

Podcast episode referenced:

What Comes After Awareness?

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Binge Breakthrough, the podcast designed to help you finally break through the barriers that keep you stuck, feeling out of control about food. I'm Master Certified Coach James Hoker, and I want you to know that no matter how long you've been struggling or what you've tried, food freedom is possible. And I'm here to show you how. After years of therapy, eating sports treatments, restrictive diet, and reading all the books, I will still stop in the on the optic cycle of restricting thinking until I was able to see it all from a new perspective that changed everything. Each week I will share the strategies, tools, and mindset that allowed me to overcome my decades-long battle with binge eating. Your journey to body trust starts now. Let's dive in. Hello, trusted listener. Welcome to Binge Breakthrough. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are listening to this podcast for a reason. I trust that you are going to hear something today that is insightful and impactful on your journey with food. Do you ever think to yourself, I can't handle this? Or maybe it's like, I just can't. Those words, I can't. This sentence, the start of this sentence, whether it ends at I can't, or whether it goes on, I can't handle this, I can't do it, I can't fill in the blank. This sentence is so often precedes, comes before any bench. So think to yourself, is this a sentence that you have thought to yourself? I mean, let's be real. You're a human. I'm gonna guess you have likely thought this before. I know I have. But when I really reflect back on the times before my binges, and I really start to think about what is like what is going through my mind at that point? So often it's those words. I can't. I can't do it. I can't take this, I can't handle this, I can't, I can't, I can't. So think for yourself. When you think you can't do something, how do you feel when you think that? I'm gonna guess weak, powerless, hopeless, helpless, out of control. And when we think those things, when we think I can't do it, and we feel weak, we feel powerless, we feel hopeless, what do we do? We give up. Like, oh yeah, that's true. I can't, I can't handle it. And then we go to the pantry, or we go get the keys, and we go to the drive-thru or we go to the bakery or the grocery store, wherever we happen to get our food of choice, when we think, I can't do it, I can't take it, I can't handle this. We end up feeling weak and powerless and hopeless and helpless and out of control. And so we end up doing the very thing that proves to ourselves, see, knew I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't handle it. And then we're on the roller coaster. We're in this cycle where we are proving to ourselves that we can't do it. So, this podcast episode is gonna be all about, okay, what do we do with this? Chances are, yes, you think this because you're listening to this episode. I want you to know you are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. Many of us think we can't do it. So, we're gonna talk a little bit about what to do about this, but I just want to help you understand why. This is one of the things I love to do. I love to help people understand why things happen, why you do what you do, so that you can start to see it a little bit differently. It's not because you are weak and powerless and hopeless and helpless. No, that's not why. Remember the brain. The brain has one job to keep you alive. So it's always scanning for danger. Now, if it doesn't sense any potential threats, then it's gonna go on to the motivational triad, the three things the brain loves to do: seek pleasure, avoid discomfort, use as little energy as possible. When we think I can't do it, this is the brain doing what the brain is designed to do. Number one, when we get to the situation where we think I can't do it, I can't handle it, often what has preceded that has been some sort of perceived threat. So, for example, uh, if I think about an urge, an urge to binge, where I would describe it's like, I feel like I want to come out of my skin. I might feel a tightness in my stomach, kind of right where I'm not really sure. Is that physical hunger? Is that an urge? I don't know, but I'm feeling a lot of discomfort right there. I also maybe feel like a lot of kind of tingling in my arms, and I really feel like I can't handle this. Well, let's think about the brain. The brain is seeing a potential threat here. This brain whose job is to keep me alive, scanning for danger, this sensation, this is a threat. So of course it's gonna throw up. We can't do this, we can't handle this. Because then, if I am like, oh yeah, that's true, I can't, then guess what? I don't have to go through any discomfort. I can avoid the pain of whatever I think might be coming. We remember that motivational triad. Seek pleasure, avoid pain, use as little energy as possible. Guess what? Eating does all three of those. I'm gonna get temporary pleasure. I'm gonna get that temporary relief. I'm going to get that temporary. Oh, I don't have to do this. I can stop. So I am avoiding a lot of things. The brain is doing what the brain is designed to do. But here's what's amazing. We don't have to just be like, oh yeah, it's true. I can't, and then eat and kind of get into that pattern because we know we I don't have to tell you what happens with that pattern. I don't have to tell you that it repeats itself. Part of the the brain's job of using as little energy as possible is it wants to put things that we do frequently and often, it wants to put them on repeat and into the subconscious so it doesn't have to use as much energy. It makes sense, but we don't have to stop there. So, what are we gonna do about it? This is where we're gonna dive in. All right, number one. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, it will not surprise you to hear. Number one is awareness. The first step is always awareness. So we want to get to know what is happening in your brain. In those moments before you eat, in those moments before you go to the food, are you even aware of what's happening up there? Now, you might not always know. You might be listening to this and thinking, there is nothing happening up there. I have there, there is, there are no thoughts, there are no sentences. I literally just the next thing I know, I'm in the pantry, or I'm at the drive-thru, or I'm just getting the keys to my car and I'm going. There's nothing happening in my brain. This is not true. Now, you may have kind of been on autopilot so much that you're not aware of what's happening in your brain, but that doesn't mean that there isn't something happening in your brain. This is great to know. We can, we can put our brain to work on what is going on up there. Especially if I'm not going to judge myself or think I'm crazy or think I'm like broken or weird for having all whatever thoughts and sentences are going through my mind, which I will tell you, whatever is going through your mind is not unique. It is not different. It may be different. Some people do have different things going through their brains, but I will tell you it's not unique. There are a lot of people who have the same sentences going through their brains. The challenge is none of us talk about it. And so we think we're all alone. We think we're weird, we're crazy, there's something wrong with us. It's not true. I can tell you one thing that's so powerful. When I start working with people, particularly when I'm working in a group and people start sharing the sentences that go on in their minds before they eat, it's like, oh, I thought I was the only one who thought that. No, you're not. You are not alone. I promise you, you are not alone in the struggles and the things that happen in your mind. I just want you to know you are not alone. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. If I can set aside the judgment and I can get really curious, what is going on up there? What are the sentences? What am I thinking? Now, you might not always know, but you can start to ask the question. Here's another thing that you can do. You may not always know in the moment, particularly if you are a person who's kind of just been used to like turning it all off, turning the brain off, not wanting to go up there and kind of look around. It may take a little while to kind of create some awareness, and that's okay. One of the things you can do is you can look backwards. You can reflect back afterwards. So let's say, for example, if you binged yesterday, reflect backwards. What was I thinking? Take yourself back to that moment where you decided, I can't handle this, I can't take it. What was going on in your mind? Maybe it was exactly that. I can't, I can't handle it, I can't do it. Maybe it was something else. Forget it. Screw it. I'll do better tomorrow. Whatever. Just get to know what is happening in my mind. So you can look backwards. Then you can start to, even in those moments, you can start to kind of catch yourself while you're going to the pantry, while you're getting in your car, while you're driving to the drive-thru, the bakery, the grocery store. What am I thinking right now? If you are willing to set aside the judgment and not beat yourself up or think you're crazy or weird or wrong or broken, you might create some awareness that can be super helpful for you. Because even if you aren't aware, there always was a thought that preceded that trip to the pantry or the drive-thru or the grocery store or the bakery. Always there was a sentence there. So can we just figure out what it was? Step number one. Okay, so now we're aware, we're aware, we're thinking, I can't handle this, I can't do it. I have thought this so many times, especially during nurse. I can't. I can't handle this feeling. The only thing I know how to do, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go eat. I can't handle this, therefore, I'm gonna go eat. So, what I'm gonna invite you to do in step number two is to shift your perspective. Instead of thinking, I can't handle this, it's actually not true. You can handle it. You actually are handling it with food. Think about the difference. I'm gonna say two sentences to you, and I want you to just think for yourself, how does each sentence feel differently? When if I were to think sentence number one to myself, what would that feel like? And if I were to sentence feel say sentence number two to myself, what would that feel like? Okay, so sentence number one, I can't handle this. We've kind of already talked about some of the feelings that this might create. But what if you said this is how I'm handling this right now? This may be the best thing I can do right now. There's some acceptance there. I'm not necessarily feeling weak or powerless or hopeless or helpless. I'm actually acknowledging I am handling this. I'm handling it with food. Now, do I want to maybe come up with some solutions and some strategies so that I can handle this in a different way? Yes. You wouldn't think that if you weren't, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't think that. So of course you want to come up with some different strategies. But right now, you are handling it. This is how you're doing it right now. So we can create some space. Another way that we can create space is we can say to ourselves, instead of saying, I can't handle this, we add a little sentence, a couple words in there. I'm thinking I can't handle this. How does that so say both of those to yourself? I can't handle this. I'm thinking I can't handle this right now. I'm thinking I can't handle this. In this moment, I'm thinking I can't handle this. There's just a little bit of space. What we're doing here is we're shifting out of the identity as someone who can't. I can't handle it. I just can't. I am not a person who can handle this feeling. It's like, no, actually, I am a person who is thinking this thing. I'm thinking I can't handle it right now. Right now, in this moment, I'm thinking I can't handle it. That is very different from I am a person who just can't do this. You see the difference? It's that, like, I this is who I am, this is my identity versus this is just a sentence that's floating through my mind right now that feels really sticky. There is a difference because if this is not who you are, then you have the possibility to change it. Okay, so that's number two. Number one is awareness. We get to know what's happening in my brain, what am I thinking? Number two, I'm gonna shift my perspective. Number three, get curious. So here's some questions to ask yourself. If I think I can't handle this, what do I think will happen? If I really can't handle this, what would that look like? Like during an urge, if I'm thinking I can't handle this, I can't handle this feeling, do I think I would just explode? Do I think I'm gonna die? Now, often this actually is what the brain perceives. That brain that is scanning for threats literally thinks sometimes, yeah, I think you might die. We want to know what the brain thinks will happen. A lot of times it's really big, it's much bigger than might actually be the case. But here's what happens: we don't actually give those fears a voice. We want to really allow some space. What am I afraid of? What am I afraid would happen? We can also ask, what has happened in the past? In the past during an urge, what has happened? Now, spoiler alert, if you're listening to this podcast, you haven't died yet. Maybe you have eaten a lot of food, but guess what? You're doing that anyway. So let's get really curious. What is the fear? Sometimes we ask ourselves, what am I afraid of? And the brain doesn't really want to tell you. It's like, well, I don't know. This is a great thing to journal about. If you are a journaler, get out your journal, write, right, right, right, and make your brain tell you an answer. It will tell you if you open up some space to not judge it. What are you really afraid would happen? Then we can ask, okay, is that really true? Like, is it really true that I'm just gonna like my stomach is gonna absolutely explode? Is it really true? Okay, what if it did happen? We can go to the next step. What if it did happen, then what? Then what would I do? So then the question becomes for you, are you willing to experiment to see what would happen? Would it really be as bad as you think? I think I might just die. But what if you didn't? Here's some other common fears. If it's an emotion, like uh, I feel like I might like start crying and I don't want to cry, so I'm just gonna eat. Like I can't handle, like, I can't handle emotion. I can't, I can't handle it. I can't handle crying or letting myself feel out of control or emotional or too sensitive or whatever beliefs or things that you've been told to kind of want you to kind of prevent yourself from feeling emotion. So you might think, I will never stop. If I allow myself to like really be sad or cry or get angry or whatever it is, if I really allow myself, I'm afraid I will never stop. So then let me ask you this. Have you ever met someone who cried 100% of the time? Like you just couldn't even have a conversation with them because they were just crying? No, not likely. So we want to just kind of like, huh, what is it that I'm really afraid of? And is it really true? What if that did happen, then what? Now we want to be very careful not to judge your fears, even if they seem irrational. It's like, no, of course, I'm not gonna die. But those fears are there for a reason. So the fear itself may not be real. Like you're not, it's not likely that you're really gonna die if you don't eat during an urge, but the feeling as though you might, that perception of threat is real. So you can keep being afraid of it and avoiding it and saying you can't handle it, or you can find out if that danger really is there. Is it really true that you can't handle it? It just may not be. I'm gonna guess it's not actually true. What happens more often than not is that you thinking that you can't handle it is making it worse than if you could just get curious about the discomfort and be with it anyway? Okay, number four, we look for evidence. So here's a question: Are there times you have handled it in the past? Maybe we're talking about urges, maybe this urge to just eat a bunch of food. Are there times where you've had that urge, you've really wanted to eat a bunch of food, but you've handled it in the past without eating a bunch of food? Chances are it has happened. We want to look for this evidence. Think about times where you have thought that you can't do something, you can't handle something. And we want to look for it. We want to collect this evidence and build up the proof for your brain. So I remember, this was years ago. I remember having a really bad day. And I used to have this story for myself. I believed that I could not handle a bad day. Like when things did not go according to plan, when things did not go according to my expectations, whether it was my plan, my schedule, whatever I thought was supposed to happen that day, if things did not go according to plan, I was just for sure confident that I could not handle that. And I would end up binging. And I remember this is when I was in this process of starting to really change my belief system and change my story and my evidence. And I was, I remember thinking, I remember going to the gym, it was one afternoon, and I remember thinking to myself, wow, I knew at that point, by the time I had gotten there, I knew I was past my own personal window where if I was going to binge it, I would have. And I remember thinking, if I could get through this day, I could get through today and all the things that happened today without binging, I can get through any day. This is when I started collecting evidence for myself and my abilities. I remember I used to think I can't if I start eating a box of cookies, a box of cereal, a box of anything that I was not, you know, was a forbidden food. I can't stop until it's gone. There was another I can't that I had. Well, then I started creating some evidence. Maybe that's not really true. Maybe I actually can. We create your evidence, new evidence that you can build up this proof for yourself. Now, don't expect your brain to stop telling you that you can't do something. If something seems like it might be hard, it might take a lot of energy. Remember the motivational triad. Your brain is always going to be motivated to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and use as little energy as possible. Just this morning, I went to the gym, I was swimming, I had a workout. My brain was like, oh, you can't do it. And as I was believing that I couldn't, I was noticing how I started feeling in my body weaker. And then I was thinking about this podcast and the podcast I was going to be talking about, all of the things. And I'm like, is this really true? How? And I really got curious and I got looked for all the evidence and all the times in the past. I've thought I can't do something. And I'm like, oh, right. This is just that time where my brain tries to tell me it can't. But of course I can. I may need to make some shifts and some adjustments and meet myself where I am today. But there's so much that I can do. All right. So how do we put this into action? We have our four steps. Number one, awareness. Understand what you are telling yourself. Understand, hear it when you say I can't. Number two, shift your perspective. Create a little bit of space. I'm just thinking right now that I can't handle it. I'm always handling my life. Some ways of handling it may be more helpful or supportive than others, but it's always coming from a really good reason. I've been choosing to handle it with food, and there may be other choices that I could make as well. I'm willing to become someone who doesn't believe they can't handle it anymore. Number three, we get curious. When you notice that you're thinking, I can't, I can't do this, I can't handle it, I can't take it. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? Can I name my fear? What do I think will happen if I don't eat? And then number four, create evidence. Find evidence of the times you have thought that you couldn't do something and you proved yourself wrong. Collect this evidence and keep it somewhere you can reference often and keep adding to it. So I have another podcast episode called What Comes After Awareness? If you haven't listened already, or if it's been a while since you've listened to it, go back and listen to that episode. In this podcast today, we're starting with awareness. We want to become aware. What are you saying to yourself in the moments before you eat? What if none of that is true? What if you really can handle it? And what if it won't be nearly as bad as the moments and hours after a binge are? This could change everything for you. All right. I hope this was helpful. If you know other people in your life who think they can't do something, share this episode with them and let them know you believe in them. When I notice myself thinking that I can't do something, I love to remind myself, whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you will be right. The mind is such a powerful thing. Use yours to create belief and confidence in yourself. You are capable of so much more than you know. All right, that's what I have for you today. I'll see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you will want to be sure to follow me on Substack. There you'll find additional articles, discussion, and the library of all of the podcast episodes to help you on your journey with food. You can also access deep dive workshops and get behind the scenes audio and video that will help you understand and overcome your food struggles. Find me under the peaceful eater at janepilker.substack.com. I'll see you there.