How To Talk To Your Loved Ones About Your Secret Eating

In this episode, we explore my story about why I chose to keep my secret eating habits hidden from my husband until after we were married.

Secret eating is a common struggle, and it's understandable to feel hesitant about sharing this part of yourself with someone else. If you've never discussed your secret eating with anyone before, I want to provide you with valuable insights to consider as you navigate the decision of whether or not to open up.

Throughout this episode, I aim to equip you with practical tools to facilitate the process of talking to your loved ones about your secret eating. Here are a few key takeaways:

1. Evaluate your reasons for sharing: It's crucial to identify whether your motivation to reveal your secret eating is strong and meaningful to you. Take the time to understand your own reasons and ensure that you genuinely resonate with them.
2. Choose your confidant wisely: Decide who you feel comfortable sharing your secret with and why you specifically want to confide in them. Selecting the right person can make a significant difference in your journey toward breaking free from shame and developing a fresh perspective on your eating habits.
3. The power of sharing: Several of my clients have experienced a profound shift in their relationship with food by openly discussing their binging struggles with loved ones. Sharing their experiences helped remove the weight of shame, enabling them to gain new insights and perspectives on their behavior.

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Transcript

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Welcome to Binge Breakfast. Welcome to my help. You finally break through the bigger keeping stuff. Feeling out of control. I'm after Coach Big Help. And I want you to know that no matter how long you've been struggling, what you've driven. Each week I will share the strategies, tools, and mindset that allowed me to overcome my decades-long battle with binge people. Your journey to body trust starts now. Let's dive in. Hello, trusted listener. Welcome to Binge Breakthrough. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are listening to this podcast, this episode, in this moment for a reason. I trust that you are going to hear something today that is going to have an impact for you. I trust you might have an insight, an awareness, or even a breakthrough that might assist you in your journey to food freedom. So what I want to talk today about is how to talk to your loved ones about your secret eating. And this is such an important topic because so many people have never talked to anyone about what they do with food. And I know this for two reasons. Number one is this was me for so long. I refused to talk to anybody about it. I had so much shame. I was convinced I was broken. I was convinced there was something wrong with me. And it was so important for me that people thought that I was, I had things together that my perception that other people had of me, I wanted it to be so strong and put together. And I felt so weak and so out of control and anything but put together when I was binging and eating in secret, eating out of control, that there was no way I was gonna let anybody else know about that. But through that shame, through that secrecy, secrecy, through the silence, I was perpetuating the behavior over and over. I had no idea at the time. All I was trying to do was stop this terrible thing I was doing, but I had no idea that on my own, what I was doing was keeping me in the pattern. Now I didn't end up sharing with my husband about my binging until we were already married. I know I've shared that story on the podcast in a previous episode, but so many people are keeping their activity, what they do with food, a secret. And I want to, in this episode, what I want to do is just have the conversation. If you are considering talking to someone about your secret eating, I want this episode to be an opportunity for you to consider. Is this something that I want to do? Do I want to talk to somebody about it? If so, why? And if you decide after listening to this episode, if you decide that yes, in fact, you do want to talk to somebody, I want to give you some resources in how to go about that conversation. All right. So as I talk about um knowing you want to know your reason and you want to like your reason. So the very first thing that we want to do as we go forward and we evaluate this is number one, decide who you want to share this with. If you are thinking, oh, you know what, I really, I really want to talk to somebody about this, or maybe it's maybe it's a friend, maybe it is a family member, maybe it is a partner. So the very first question, who do you want to share with? It is very likely the some somebody is going to come to your mind. Okay, so question number one, who? Who do you want to share with? Question number two, why? Why do you want to tell them? This is a very important question. We want to know why. Why you want to tell them. The next question is why haven't you told them yet? So go ahead and answer these questions for yourself as you're listening. Why haven't you told them yet? It is likely because of what you think they might think, say, or do. So for example, you may not have told them yet because you think they might think you're out of control. Or maybe that they will say, I can't trust you. Or maybe that they will just leave. They will get really upset. So here's a question for you. When you think about what you're concerned that they might think, say, or do the self-reflection for yourself is do I think, say, and do those things to myself? Do I think I'm out of control? Do I say I can't trust myself? Do I leave myself when I bid? The answer may very well be yes. And that's okay. It's just good to know. It's good to know these things. Okay, next question for you. If I could wave my magic wand, when I tell them, they will think, they will say, and they will do. If I could wave my magic wand, what would they think? What would they say? What would they do? So here's some examples. If I could wave my magic wand, when I tell them, they will think, Wow, this must be really hard for you. Maybe they'll say, How can I help? Maybe they will ask you what you need and support you as well as possible. So here's your self-reflection. Am I willing to think, say, and do those things for myself? So those things in the magic wand moment that you would want this loved one to think, to say, and to do, are you willing to think, say, and do those things for yourself? It's a great question to ask. All right, next question. What results do I want to get from the conversation? Why? Why do I want to tell them what result am I looking for? I find there are some really great reasons, some very beneficial uh reasons that we might want to tell somebody. And there are some not so great reasons or results. So, what I see as kind of a uh detrimental result, if we are looking, if you are looking for someone to fix you, to police you to help make sure you don't eat at certain times or certain foods or whatever. If you are looking for accountability, okay, I just want to tell somebody so they can just hold me accountable to not eating what I say I'm gonna eat. Or if we go out to eat, they can hold me accountable to um whatever it is that I'm trying to do with food. Or even from guilt. I'm looking for, I want, I'm I'm looking for guilt. I'm looking for somebody who will um, I don't even know what this would look like, what what looking for guilt would look like. But it is a possibility. So if you're looking, basically, if you're looking for somebody to fix you, if you're looking for somebody to hold you accountable, to police for you, this is not a great reason to share your secret eating. But here is a very great reason, and what can be very beneficial is if you are looking for understanding for vulnerability, just to be vulnerable, to share your experience with somebody else. If you just want them to know what's true for you, you want to stop hiding, you want to stop keeping this secret. Maybe it's shame resilience. You want to build up the resilience of the emotion of shame. You know there will be some shame in the discussion in sharing this with somebody else. Maybe you want to build up a little bit of that resilience. These are great reasons to talk to somebody. Okay, so as you look at this and you really think about this for yourself, now you can ask yourself, okay, now it's time to decide. Based on what I what I know about why I want to tell them, why I haven't told them, the self-reflection I've done. Am I willing these things I want somebody else to do and to say and to think? Am I willing to think these for myself? And am I choosing, do I want to do this for a reason that feels beneficial? That I just want them to understand. I want them to know what I'm going through. I want them to see, to really understand why sometimes I just have a zero desire to eat dinner, why sometimes I show up as such a different person because I have binged, because I feel so bad. Like my husband, it's like so many times he wouldn't even understand why she is so different. Why isn't she wanting to eat? Why is she acting so differently? So if I want them to understand, I want to share this part with me, such a great reason. But if it's I want them to fix me, I want them to hold me accountable, I want them to do this, probably not the greatest reason. But you get to decide. As with anything, you get to choose. Just know your reason and like your reason. All right. So if the reason, if you have decided, yes, I want to talk to somebody and know my reason why, and I really like it. Now I'm ready. Okay, here's some steps for you. Number one, decide when you will share this information. Here's a few tips. There is no perfect time. Literally, there's no perfect time to have this conversation. It is very likely your brain will want to avoid this conversation. Remember, our brain wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and use as little energy as possible. There is going to be perceived pain with this conversation. So the brain is going to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why this isn't a good time. Maybe I could do it later. Just know it will feel uncomfortable, and that's okay. There will not be a perfect time. But you also can think about other things. You might want to avoid distractions. For example, you might not go sit down next to uh on the couch next to your partner while they're watching their favorite TV show or game or whatever they're doing. You might not sit down at that point and say, hey, I really want to talk to you about something. You want to avoid other potential distractions. The other thing to consider is to consider your environment when you have this conversation. If you think it's a possibility that you might be experiencing some emotion as you have this conversation, you might not choose to have the conversation in a public place. Maybe you do it at home. Do it in a safe space. You also want to consider as far as deciding when you will share. Think about a time when with this person that you want to share with, where there is calm and there is connection. So you're experiencing a moment of connection between the two of you, and it feels like you are both reasonably calm. Now, you may not be entirely calm because of what you're thinking about, this conversation and that type of, you know, what might be happening in your body, but we don't want to have the this conversation from a place of um you being like incredibly uh incredibly activated, where you feel like you may not have as much access to kind of the thinking part of your brain. You also don't want to have this conversation if the person that you are going to be sharing with is not also in a calm and connected place. You want to uh set yourself up for the best opportunity for them to receive what you have to share. All right, step number two, expect any response. We really can't know how somebody else will respond. We also have zero control over how somebody else is going to respond to us. How they respond to us, it's not based on what we tell them. It is not the news, it is not what we tell them. It's it's their interpretation of it, what their mind makes it mean. And so we really don't know. We do not know what their brain is going to concoct as a reason for you sharing the words that you are going to share. So, what we can do, so we can't control how they are going to respond, but what we can do is brainstorm in advance three potential scenarios for what they might say. So if you think ahead of time, okay, here's my magic wand. This would be the most amazing thing they could say ever. We can brainstorm that. Then we can also brainstorm, okay, what's another possibility? What's a possibility that's kind of in the middle? That's not a, you know, very open and compassionate and understanding response, but kind of like is an is an in-between. And then what's a scenario that's like, ooh, that that is kind of that scenario you really maybe wouldn't love to have, where they don't understand, where they don't receive you well, where there is some sort of um negative response or reaction to it. You want to brainstorm all three potential scenarios and how you would respond in any event. It's great to do this ahead of time because the brain really doesn't know the difference between the actual conversation and a visualization. So you can decide, you can kind of plan out, okay, no matter what happens, what you're doing in this case, no matter what happens, I know what I'm gonna do. I know how I will respond. Instead of just thinking it's gonna be amazing. And if it's not amazing, then your brain might shut down because you wouldn't know what to do. But if you've already practiced in advance, if it's not amazing what you will do and how you will respond, you've already given your brain a chance to think through this and to visualize it. So you want to either write this all down or you can just visualize, visualize the conversation and how it might go. And you want to give what's called equal airtime to all possibilities. So you spend an equal amount of time thinking about the most amazing response as well as the not as much uh not as amazing response. Okay, step number three, make a plan for after the conversation. And this is the question that you ask yourself: how will I take care of myself? No matter what the response is. So again, we go through these potential scenarios and we say, okay, here's what I'm gonna do afterwards. Afterwards, here's how I'm gonna take care of myself. Here's how I'm gonna acknowledge my bravery, my vulnerability, my openness to have this conversation. No matter what, here is what I am going to do for myself. So make a plan for that and plan in advance what you will do afterwards. Your options are limitless. You could journal, you could go for a walk, you could plan something. Um, who knows? You this will need to kind of resonate with you. What would feel really supportive to me? And you might give yourself a few options based upon how you might be feeling. But do something that feels very supportive and very comforting to you. Because I cannot guarantee you what the result is going to be. But I can set you up so that the words that you say, what you share, has a potential to be received well. And so that you know the reason why you are doing this, what you are looking for from this conversation. Okay, so what do I say? All right, I've got the plan. I know what I'm gonna do, I know how I'm gonna take care of myself, but what do I say? So here's a little bit of a script for you. So you might say something like, I have something to share with you, but I'm worried about how you might respond. Sometimes when, fill in the blank, I eat a lot of food. So this would be where you kind of describe your pattern. So whether it's sometimes when you go to bed and I'm home, you know, I'm downstairs watching TV, I eat a lot of food. Sometimes when I leave the office in the afternoon to go run errands, I drive around to the grocery store and to the convenience stores and I eat a lot of food. Um, sometimes when I'm really upset or I'm really overwhelmed, I eat a lot of food. Okay. So the next part is when I do, I think fill in the blank, and I feel fill in the blank. So when I do, when I do eat a lot of food, I think I can't stop and I feel really out of control. Whatever it is for you. Then I haven't told you before because I'm afraid to fill in the blank. I haven't told you before because I'm afraid you might think I'm disgusting and that you might leave me. I'm afraid you might not love me anymore. Whatever is true for you. Then I am not looking for you to fix me. I'm telling you because fill in the blank. I'm telling you because I want you to understand what's going on for me. I'm telling you because I know that sometimes I am a I show up in a very different way after I've binged. I'm telling you because sometimes I am so full of food, I just don't even want to eat dinner. And that's why sometimes I act that way. I'm telling you because sometimes I just tell you that I don't feel good and my stomach hurts. But the reality is I've really just eaten a lot of food. I'm telling you because I don't want to keep this a secret from you anymore. Whatever is true for you. What I really need from you is fill in the blank. What I really need from you is just is your support. What I really need from you is um to to be gentle with me. What I really need from you is it it depends on what you really need, right? What I really need from from you is to um maybe try to understand what how hard this is for me. Whatever is true for you. Then you can be silent and just let them respond. Or you can ask the question, what do you think? What are your thoughts about this? Now remember, it is not their job to fix you. And it's important for you to let them know I'm not looking for you to fix me. Often they will want to fix you. If if if you are if you are talking to somebody who loves you, who wants to support you, who wants the best for you, it is very natural for them potentially to go into fix it mode. Sometimes people who don't understand this behavior might say things that are they're trying to help, but are not entirely helpful. You know, things like, well, why don't you just eat less? Why don't you just stop eating? Things like that, right? That we have all heard that are not helpful. So what we but they don't know. They, they, their brain is kind of like trying to, oh, how do I fix this? It makes sense that that would be their response, that they might want to do that. So we need to tell them what you want from them. What you want. Is going to be different based on you and your own needs. So this is a it's just a good thing to kind of know in advance. Now, I want you to know you are not broken. And because you're not broken, there is nothing to fix. It is not their job to fix you. But there are things to understand. There are, if you are in this pattern with food and with binging, with secret eating, with feeling out of control, there are absolutely ways in which you can work on these patterns, these behaviors. You can do that with a professional. But you don't, it's not your loved one's job to fix you. Your loved one's job is to love you and to support you. So you want to ask for what you need, but you can view them as support and connection rather than the solution. Get your solution from a professional, but use your loved ones as support and connection, as a way to talk through the things that you're learning, the things that you're discovering through solutions through professionals. Okay. All right. So here's your summary. Number one, you want to understand why. Why you want to share with your loved one, understand why, and just know your reason, like your reason. Then you want to plan. Plan for when, when you will have the conversation. You want to expect any response. Then you want to choose how you are going to share. And most importantly, you want to take care of yourself afterwards. Have a plan for taking care of yourself afterwards. This is literally some of the most powerful work that you can do. I have had clients share with me that telling their loved ones about their binging, about their eating in secret, was a key piece to removing the shame that really helped them see what they were doing in a new way. Many people actually report significantly decreased binges and episodes of secret eating after sharing. It's like this layer of shame gets lifted. Now, this is not an easy conversation to have, absolutely, but the benefits that can happen after are incredible. I have a worksheet that I put together that will help you go through all of these questions on your own. It will go through the why do I, why do I want to ask somebody? What do I think they'll say? Why haven't I? Um, helping you really decide and go through all of this together. So if you want to get access to that worksheet, you can download it at janepilger.com forward slash secret. All right, so that's what I have for you. I invite you to trust yourself in your decision on whether or not to share. Notice if you are thinking that you should versus you would like to. If it feels like a should, that may not be the best reason. If it feels scary, that's normal. So what do you think? If you're ready, I encourage you to be brave and to have the conversation using these guidelines that I provided if they feel resonant to you. If you aren't ready, that's okay too. You can always come back and revisit this podcast when you are ready. But if you do decide to share, I would love to hear your experience. It was one of the hardest things I did, and also one of the most impactful during my journey. I can still vividly remember lay on our bed, on my back, my hand over my eyes, my whole arm was over my eyes, my eyes were in the crook of my elbow as I was crying. I could not look at my husband as I told him about it. I had so much shame. I was convinced he would not love me. And he met me with such openness and love and support and compassion. And I didn't tell him for so long because I had the story that he wouldn't understand. He didn't struggle with food. There's no way he would understand. Well, he couldn't understand if I didn't let him in. And it took time, but over time I let him in more and more. And over time he got to understand. And now he completely understands. And through that journey together, it was so powerful. I am so beyond grateful for where we are today and for the vulnerability we've learned on this journey through my eating disorder. And I know the same is available for you when you are ready. All right, that's what I have for you this week. I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to Binge Breakthrough. If you want to understand why you feel out of control with food sometimes, I've created just the thing for you. Discover the number one reason why and get three things you can do today. Visit binge breakthrough.com forward slash quid, and you'll have your answer and your next step. That's binge breakthrough.com forward slash quid.