How Perfectionism Perpetuates Binge Eating

The topic of perfection for this week’s episode was inspired by my recent guest podcast interview on Side Gig School, where I spoke about how perfectionism showed up for me when I was first certified as a coach and wanted to start my business. Last year, I did a masterclass on how perfectionism perpetuates binge eating, and this topic resonated so much with my attendees, who struggled with their relationship with food. 

In this episode, I talk about perfection and the four steps on how to overcome perfectionism that perpetuates binge eating.

Here are a few takeaways from this episode:

• Perfectionists tend to achieve LESS and stress MORE than regular high achievers.
• Use the power of your BRAIN to notice and shift your default pattern of thinking.
• Perfectionism may be one key component keeping you stuck in the cycle of binging.

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Binge Breakfast. Finally break through the barriers. Keep you stuck. Feeling out of control about it. I'm Master Pite Coach James Holder. And I want you to know that no matter how long you've been struggling, all what you've tried, boost freedom is freaking cycle. And we need all the cycles. Each week I will share the strategies, tools, and mindset that allowed me to overcome my decades-long battle with binge feeding. Your journey to body trust starts now. Let's dive in. Hello, trusted listener. Welcome to Binge Breakthrough. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are listening to this episode of this podcast at this moment for a reason. I trust that you are going to hear something today that is impactful and insightful on your journey to food freedom. So let's dive in. We are going to talk today about the topic of perfectionism. So I did a guest interview on a podcast this week, and this topic came up how perfectionism has showed up for me in so many different areas, and particularly when I first started my business. And the topic of perfectionism, perfectionism, is very familiar to a lot of people who struggle with food. And I taught a masterclass on this topic last year, but I wanted to create this episode so that it could reach more people. I want to let you know how perfection perfectionism impacts binge eating. So I love this quote from Brene Brown about perfectionism. She says, perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. It's a shield. And I love this quote because so many people who do have perfectionistic tendencies, I think sometimes we think it is striving to be our best. We think it's about healthy achievement and growth. But in fact, that is not the case. It is a shield and it can be problematic. And we're going to talk about that a little bit more today. But I like to start with the definition. What is the definition of perfectionism? So this definition comes from the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. And the definition of perfectionism, according to this source, is this the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. And that emphasis that it's in excess of what is required. So powerful. Okay, so what are some traits of perfectionism? I'm going to give you some feelings that people who uh experience perfectionism often encounter and also some actions. So you can kind of identify yourself, maybe in one of these areas. So people who do have perfectionistic tendencies, here are some feelings that they often experience. Fear of disapproval of others. They often feel defensive, anxious. They might have a low self-esteem, a fear of letting others down, fear of failure, feeling of inadequacy, they might be depressed by unmet goals. They may feel worried. Okay, here's some actions. See if you identify this for yourself. Actions. All or nothing thinking, fixating on imperfections, trying to control situations or people, being critical of yourself or of others, a focus on results, procrastination and avoidance, unrealistic expectations or standards, inability to deal with criticism, working hard or tunnel vision. When I read through all of these traits, these feelings and these actions, I in my past, my past self, could have checked every single one of these boxes. So now if you're wondering to yourself, am I a perfectionist? As I listen to this, maybe I'm like, yep, check, check, check. If you are wondering, if you are, chances are it is likely to a degree. Here's a question for you where you can kind of assess this for yourself. Does the idea of something being perfect seem positive? Do you have an investment in the identity of being perfect? Do you feel relief when things appear to be perfect? These are kind of some indicators in addition to looking at kind of the feelings and the actions that we went through before. These are some of the other indicators where you can see where, yeah, maybe I do have some perfectionistic tendencies. Here is a fact that I found that I was, I guess it's not surprising, but at the same time, I really want to emphasize this point. Perfectionists tend to achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers. Let me just say that again. Perfectionists tend to achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers. This is where we can go back to that quote by Brene Brown. It's like, this is different. Perfectionism is different than striving to be our best. It's not about healthy achievement and growth. She says it's a shield. And when it's that shield, we do, we get towards that, we kind of shut down the procrastination, the avoidance. Okay, so now that we've identified perfectionism, we've identified the definition, we've looked at some traits, we can see perfectionists achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers. So, how does this relate to binge eating or feeling out of control around food? So, here, if if you go back to those traits, we can see where it where it does, there is this parallel. So, black and white thinking. See if you can relate to thinking any of these things with food. You might think, well, I already blew it. You maybe you're thinking, I wasn't gonna have any cookies. Now I might as well eat the whole box. Or you think, I either eat no dessert or I can't stop eating. Or you're thinking, I'm either trying not to eat too much, or I'm stuffing my face. It's the black and the white. Also thinking there's a right way to eat and a wrong way to eat. Here's some, these are just some examples of how this kind of perfectionistic thinking shows up around food. We can also look at the self-criticism. So that might sound like, I can't believe I did it again. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm so disgusting. I hate myself. What's wrong with me? One of the other traits was procrastination or fear of failure. So this can show up if you're eating to avoid taking action, if you're eating to avoid feeling an emotion, if you are unwilling to feel discomfort, if you are unwilling willing to be perceived as less than perfect. If you focus on what isn't right, that actually creates more stress and fewer results. One of the other traits of perfectionism are unrealistic expectations and standards. So this can show up if you expect yourself to eat perfectly clean with no mistakes. Or if you expect yourself to eat less than your body physically needs to survive. This also shows up in ignoring your hunger and fullness cues. Or what I call special snowflake syndrome. It's like, yeah, well, other people, it's okay for other people to make a mistake. It's okay for other people to eat some cookies sometimes, or whatever it is. It's okay for other people, but it's not okay for me. Or maybe you compare yourself to unrealistic images, unrealistic bodies that are not attainable or sustainable. One of the other traits was working hard or tunnel vision. So this could show up for you if you are completely focused on the goal and no enjoyment of the process, particularly if that goal is somewhat related to food or to your body, that pure focus. Maybe you don't allow time for rest. And food can become the exhale the only time you slow down. Such a big one for me. Also, just that excessive focus on food and body, it takes away from any other mental capacity or space to focus on other goals. Also, when you're really focused on that goal, you are not aware of progress as it is being made. And even as you do make progress, you keep moving the measuring stick stick up. So you might get closer towards your goal, but you just keep moving your goal up and up. So you never actually get there. But here is the good news. Perfectionism is not something that is just going to be with you forever. Perfectionism, just like anything else, can be shifted. Perfectionism occurs because of the way that we're thinking, the way that we're thinking about ourselves, the standards and expectations that we have for ourselves and for other people. We can use our brain and the power of our brain to shift away from perfectionism. So powerful. Neuroplasticity. We can use the reticular activating system, which is the filter in our brain that we use, we tell our brain what to focus on. When we tell our brain what to focus on, it will go to work to get the answers that we are looking for, to prove whatever it is that we are looking for. The reticular activating system is that filter that decides what's important. And if we don't decide for it, it will do what brains do, which is look for what is wrong. Look for what is not good enough. Look for where we are not measuring up. Now we don't need any more help doing that, but what we need to do is shift our reticular activating system so that we can start focusing in a different area. So what we want to do is shift from perfection to excellence. We can strive for excellence, but that's so different than striving for perfection. And we make this shift through awareness. Okay, so there are four key steps to overcome perfectionism. Step number one, gain awareness. You guys have heard me say this many times before. We cannot change anything until we're aware of it. So, number one, we have to gain awareness. It's noticing and naming it. So write down your tendencies. What are my tendencies? Now that I've got this list, I hear these descriptions of the feelings that are common for um people who are experiencing perfectionistic tendencies. I also have this list of actions. What are my tendencies? And make a list literally pros and cons. How is this helping me? How is this not helping me? How are these tendencies, how is this keeping me safe? How is having unrealistic standards for myself and my body? How is having unrealistic standards of what I'm going to eat? How is this keeping me safe? And how is this keeping me stuck? Do I have different standards for myself than I do for other people? And if so, why? Get really curious. This is how awareness works. We want to be open, we want to be curious, become very aware of it. Now, number two, we want to shift our focus. Whatever we focus on expands. This is that power of the reticular activating system. The brain is so used to looking for what is going wrong, what is not good enough. We want to put the brain to work intentionally on what is going well. Find all of the evidence that it is good enough, that you are good enough, that you are making progress. And every time you notice your brain shifting to the negative, shifting to what's not working, what isn't right, encourage it to find three things that are going well. Find things, look for it. If you put your brain to work on areas where there is progress, where it is good enough, your brain will find it. But we have to be intentional in shifting that focus. All right, number three, be flexible. This is so important for shifting away from perfectionism. You need to expect and anticipate change. I remember for me, whenever things would change, let's say, even my schedule, I might have my whole day planned, everything's great. And as soon as something changed in my schedule, let's say somebody just canceled a meeting, somebody got sick, somebody was running late, whatever the change was would throw me for a loop. It was so often that if I ended up with an extra 30 minutes, if I ended up with an extra hour in my day, I went straight to the convenience store to eat. I could not handle change. I did not expect it. I did not anticipate it. And when it happened, I did not know what to do with it. Change is going to happen. It's part of the human experience. So we want to be flexible, expect and anticipate change. We also want to develop attainable standards. Get curious and consider the standards that you have set for yourself. We want them to be attainable. Ask yourself: are the standards I have set for myself attainable? Would I expect somebody else to have these same standards? Is there some way that I can lower my standards a little bit? Now we don't have to take them, we don't have to take standards away entirely, but there's a concept called aiming for B minus work. Many perfectionists want to do A plus work, only A plus work. Are you willing to aim for B minus work? Here's the thing that's actually really remarkable. You will get way more work done and complete if you are willing to do B minus work. If you insist upon A plus work, chances are you rarely actually complete work. If you are somebody who has starts a lot of things, but has a hard time getting them to the finish line, you might ask yourself why? What is it that prevents me from finishing these projects? What is it? It may be that you think it's not good enough. It needs to be perfect. It needs to be at this very high standard in order for you to put it out there. So being flexible, part of that is aiming for B minus work. Also be willing to experiment. We don't have to be so rigid about all of the things that we do. This is part of that. Being flexible, be willing to experiment. And then just recognize and notice where you are trying to maintain control, whether it's over yourself, your body, other people, just recognize it. Okay, and the fourth thing to overcome perfectionism, to shift from perfection to excellence, excellence, is to reframe the way that you see mistakes. So you want to shift from this idea of a mistake is a as a failure. You want to shift to seeing it as an opportunity. The question I always love to ask is: Is there something here for me to learn? We can always learn from our mistakes. In fact, I would argue it is the best way for us to learn. If everything is going perfectly, there's not a lot for us to learn. Mistakes are actually where we grow. I am sure you have heard the terminology of failing forward. If you can see failures as the opportunity to grow, as a place to learn from, then we can fail forward. If we see mistakes or failure as a moral failing, something wrong with us personally, then we just shut down. And there comes then the shame and the judgment, which we've talked about before. It's that shame and that judgment that often leads us to eat because we're trying to hide. We want to get away from other people. We want to get away from ourselves. You are a human. You will make mistakes. We all will. But can you start to see them in a different way? Another question I love to ask is: can I find the treasure in this? Even in a binge, an out-of-control, eating moment, you can find the treasure in it. You can find the opportunities to grow and to learn if you look for them. Okay, so this is how we shift from perfectionism. You use the power of your brain to notice and to shift your default pattern of thinking. This does not shift overnight. This is a pattern. It's a process. It was a pattern that developed over time. It will take some time to shift. But as you can recognize it and you can go through these four steps, you can shift from perfectionism to excellence. So once again, here are the four steps. Step number one, gain awareness. Step number two, shift your focus. Start looking for what is going well. Where their progress is actually happening. Step number three, be flexible. Step number four, reframe the way you see mistakes. Replace perfection with excellence. When your brain tells you that it's not good enough, find the evidence for why it is. Speak to yourself kindly. Always. Repeat daily and change your life. I hope this was helpful. We'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to Binge Breakthrough. If you want to understand why you feel out of control with food sometimes, I've created just the thing for you. Discover the number one reason why and get three things you can do today. Visit binge breakthrough.com forward slash quiz, and you'll have your answer and your next step. That's binge breakthrough.com forward slash quiz.