Why Can’t I Do What Other People Can?

I've noticed a common theme with a few of my clients recently, and I have also seen this in myself, so I thought it would be a great topic to talk about on the podcast. 

Do you ever look at other people and wonder how they are able to do what they do? 

Do you compare what you are able to do to what someone else is able to do? 

Do you look at how someone reacts to something and wonder how they can have such a different reaction than you do? 

In this episode, I help you think about these questions differently than you might have previously. 

It’s possible that you are a highly sensitive person. Tune in to discover what that means and how to know if you are. 

A few takeaways:

• You aren't meant to be like other people. You are meant to be you. 
• You were uniquely wired; the key isn't figuring out how to be like somebody else. The key is figuring out how to work with the way you were uniquely wired and how to best care for yourself.
• Learn to say no to the things you don't want to do. Set up a healthy perimeter. 

Learn to work with yourself; you will feel more aligned and at ease. 

Comparison is not helpful. Trust your body. What may change if you embrace your sensitivity? 

Define Your Food Freedom Workshop

Have you ever defined what food freedom actually means for YOU? Knowing what you don't want isn't enough. It's important to know what you are working towards and to make sure that your definition is supporting you, not sabotaging you. 

Join me live October 5th - Save your spot.

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Binge Breakfast. Finally break through the barriers. Keep you stuck. Feeling out of control. I'm Master by Coach Jane Poker. And I want you to know that no matter how long you've been struggling, what you've tried, we don't do I'm here. Each week I will share the strategies, tools, and mindset that allowed me to overcome my decades-long battle with binge eating. Your journey to body trust starts now. Let's dive in. Hello, trusted listener. Welcome to Binge Breakthrough. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are listening to this episode of this podcast at this time for a reason. I trust that you are going to hear something today that is going to be impactful. Whether it is an entirely new concept or you hear something in a new way at this point where you are today that is going to provide something for you in your journey with food and with your body. Whether it is a small insight or a large breakthrough, I trust that you are going to hear something today that is going to create change for yourself. So let's move forward. What are we going to talk about today? I've noticed this common theme with a few of my clients. And I've also seen this in myself. And I thought it would be a great topic to talk about on this podcast. Do you ever look at other people and wonder how they are able to do what they do? Do you compare what you are able to do, what someone else is able to do? Do you look at how someone reacts to something and wonder how they can have such a different reaction than you do? This might show up at work where someone else seems to have no problem getting their work done while you feel frazzled and perpetually behind. Or it might show up in a relationship where you watch a movie together and you are in tears during a particular scene and the other person has no reaction. Or maybe it's related to food and you go out to eat with a group of friends and they order dessert for the table. Some of them are able to eat one or two bites and be done, but you can't stop obsessing about the food on the table. You either have none, or you have a couple of bites because that's all everyone else took, or maybe you finish off what's there, but you're constantly thinking about it, obsessing about it. And then you either stop and buy more food on the way home, or you eat more once you get home, even though you've already eaten a full dinner and some dessert. Yes, it's true. This happens a lot. Did you think you were the only one who did this? Who went out to eat either on a date or with friends, and then came home and ate more? You are not the only one. You are not broken. So back to the question: why can't I do what other people can? And I'm here with an answer that is never anyone's favorite. It depends. It depends on several factors that I personally understand and recognize, and I'm going to share with you today. And there are also likely other factors at play that I may not even be aware of or that won't get mentioned here. So this episode is not meant to be a de facto here's why answer for anyone and everyone, but it is designed to help you think about things in a different way than you might have previously. So traditional cognitive-based approaches would say that it's all based on your thoughts, based on what you are thinking about. And here's the cognitive-based approach. Your thoughts create your experience of life. Your thoughts, those sentences that run through your head, they create your emotions. Everything we say or do is the result of a feeling. Our results come from what we say and do, which is driven by how we were feeling at that time. And what creates our feelings? Our thoughts, not other people, not our circumstances, not the existence of cookies in the pantry. It's what we are thinking about all of it. And I wholeheartedly believe in this approach. And I find it so powerful to identify your thinking and to intentionally work to change it so that you can feel and respond differently. However, there are times that trying to think a new thought just doesn't seem to work. Working on our thoughts is what's considered a top-down approach. We start with what is happening in the brain, and then we can see how it impacts what we do or how we show up. So in the example with the dessert and the group of friends, one friend might be thinking, that tastes so good. Two bites is just right. If I eat any more, it won't be as enjoyable. I'm not here for the food, I'm here for the connection. She might be feeling satisfied and connected. So she enjoys the dessert, she connects with her friends, and then goes home and goes to bed. Now, on the other hand, you might be thinking, if I have one bite, I won't be able to stop. I shouldn't eat that. I didn't plan for that. I've been so good all day. I've ruined it. This has so many calories. Those thoughts might lead you to feeling defeated. And then from that place of defeated energy, you then end up focusing on the food, thinking about what else you can eat when you leave. You either stop and buy more food on the way home, or you write the pantry when you get home. So, what about the times though, when changing your thoughts just doesn't seem to work? When it truly feels like something is happening in your body and its response to your surroundings. It is possible that you are a highly sensitive person. So, what is that? A highly sensitive person is a term, and it was coined by psychologist Elaine Aaron. And this refers to people who display increased emotional sensitivity and a stronger reactivity both to external and internal stimuli. So pain, for example, hunger, light, and noise, they highly sensitive people have a stronger reactivity to all of those things. Another factor of highly a highly sensitive person is they have a complex inner life. Now, overall, 15 to 20 percent of the population is thought to be highly sensitive. Okay, so how do I know? How do you know if you are highly sensitive? If you react strongly to criticism, if you become physically and emotionally stimulated more easily than it appears other than others, you might be a highly sensitive person. You may also feel like you have a higher capacity for empathy and that you're you're more sensitive to others' moods. So for you, this might look like avoiding scary movies, uh, maybe feeling overwhelmed, easily overwhelmed by bright lights, strong smells, or even sounds in the background. It might look like feeling really anxious when you have a lot to do in a short period of time. As a child, you might have been told you were too sensitive or that you were shy. Highly sensitive people tend to pick up on the needs and the feelings of others. They often hate letting people down. So learning to say no is a challenge. And it's really a necessity for highly sensitive people because they can feel crushed by what they perceive as the demands of others. And this happens particularly because they can actually feel their friends or coworkers' disappointment if they say no. Highly sensitive people tend to be their own worst critics. They feel responsible for the happiness of others, or at least they're very aware when there are negative emotions floating around. So as I describe all of this, does any of this resonate with you? Do you hear this and think, oh, that's me? I am definitely a highly sensitive person. I would not have identified with this earlier in my journey. I was always trying to push and strive to be who I thought I needed to be in order to get the approval I was looking for on the outside. Now, quick side note: that approval never comes externally. You will never get the approval you are looking for on the outside until you are able to give it to yourself. But back to me and my recognition as being a highly sensitive person, as I started to recognize these traits in myself, I could see there was this large part of me that didn't want to be a highly sensitive person. I didn't want to be so impacted by other things. I wanted to be able to just change my thoughts about the situation and feel better. I might have some periods where I could do that, but I just felt different. When things really started to change for me, I remember hearing an analogy from Gabor Mate. He is a renowned practitioner in the addiction and trauma world. And he was talking about sensitive people and how they experience the world differently from others. And what he shared is that if if I were to go up to somebody and put my hand firmly on their shoulder and say something to them, this and this person, this first person is not a highly sensitive person, they would feel that pressure on the shoulder. They would feel it, they would be aware of it, it would not really, they wouldn't really react to it. They would just know, yes, somebody has put their hand on my shoulder. Now, if I were to go and do the exact same thing, the in the exact same way, the same pressure on the shoulder to somebody who is a highly sensitive person, they might receive it as though they had a sunburn. So the exact same pressure, in the exact same way, they are going to experience it so differently. So imagine the last time you had a really bad sunburn and somebody came up to you and put a firm hand right on that sunburn, what would you do? You might kind of shy away from it. It you might feel intense pain, where the other person who was not highly sensitive would just feel pressure. So this analogy made so much sense to me. Some people just feel things more deeply. So that same circumstance, the same pressure, the same movie is going to be experienced differently based upon really your wiring overall. There some people are just more sensitive to things. And if this is you, this is not a problem. It's actually a beautiful trait. Highly sensitive people often have very deep and very connected relationships. They're creative and they have deep and complex inner lives. The key here is learning to embrace your sensitivity and to work with it. So I like to think of this type of sensitivity in relationship to your nervous system. And if you haven't listened yet to my podcast on the nervous system, check out episode number six. It will give you a lot of additional insight as you think about the nervous system in relation to this concept. So your nervous system, if you are a highly sensitive person, your nervous system is more likely to get activated around certain stimuli. And this is where you can use a bottom-up approach. So the top-down approach starts by looking at your thinking and how changing what you're thinking can impact what you do and how you show up. But the bottom-up approach starts with your body. And as you learn to work with your body and get your nervous system into a more regulated state, you will have more access to your brain and to the thoughts that you may choose to change. But as a sensitive person, you have a more sensitive nervous system. So yes, it's true that you may not be able to do what other people can in some ways. You may not have the experience during a scary movie that other people do. And that's okay. You aren't meant to be like other people. You are meant to be you. And then to decide if you are willing to embrace it and to work with it. And if you don't want to, ask yourself why. Get curious about why you don't want to be a sensitive person. Can you set aside any judgment or limitation you might be wanting to apply to yourself and get curious? If you are a highly sensitive person, would you rather learn how to work with yourself or keep fighting yourself and expecting a different result by wanting you to be someone other than who you are? Now, the next step is to learn how to work with yourself. What do you need to do in order to set yourself up for success? Most highly sensitive people need to be very mindful of their environment. So often a cluttered or disorganized space can feel very overwhelming. You will want to create your home to be a soothing environment. So you can think about this for yourself right now. Does your home feel like a soothing environment? Why or why not? And knowing that you can be more sensitive to external stimuli like light, sounds, even physical and emotional sensations, you can be aware of how certain things feel and adjust accordingly. Highly sensitive people also need to be mindful of their schedule. Allowing plenty of rest and time in between events and activities is important for you to be able to rest and recharge. So you have something to look forward to. If you're the type of person who needs to be alone or in a dark room for a while after being with other people, be sure to schedule that time in for yourself. This makes sense. Now, this doesn't mean you have to eat every time you have the slightest whisper of hunger, but it might mean it's not a great idea for you to push your hunger levels beyond a certain level. It's also important that you learn to say no to the things you don't want to do and to feel okay with it. You need to learn how to establish a healthy perimeter around yourself to protect your physical and emotional well-being. Now, here is the great news. You are not limited by being a highly sensitive person. You are only limited by denying the sensitive nature of yourself and fighting against it. As you learn to work with yourself, you will notice you feel more aligned, you feel more at ease. And when you are in that state, you're able to examine your thinking and to come up with new perspectives and new approaches that wouldn't be available to you if you are in a state of anxiety or overwhelm. You'll be able to use a more top-down approach as you start shifting your thoughts about food and about hunger and about your body. But that approach is only available when your nervous system and your body are in a regulated state. As a highly sensitive person, your needs may be different than others. You will have times when you feel overwhelmed or anxious or fearful. But as you get to know yourself and what you need, you will be able to take care of yourself in those moments instead of thinking there's something wrong with you because you can't do what other people can. Comparing yourself to anyone else won't be helpful. Understand yourself. Understand your needs. Even if they are different from others, your body will let you know what it needs. Chances are your body has been communicating this to you for a long time, but perhaps you haven't been listening. What might change for you if you stopped trying to be someone that you aren't and started embracing your sensitivity? I embrace my sensitivity now. I joke that I'm a delicate flower. And in some ways it's true. I have sensitive skin, a sensitive digestive system. I'm sensitive to external stimuli, to large crowds and loud noises, and I definitely avoid scary movies. But in other ways, I am anything other than delicate. I'm a triathlete. I know how to push my body and my mind when I want. And I also know the importance of the recovery and the time and the space needed afterwards to recharge. Being a highly sensitive person is a gift. It means deeper connections with other people and the potential for deeper connection with yourself and the beauty of the world around you. So what do you think? Do you think you're a highly sensitive person? Or perhaps you know someone who is? Well, you definitely do now, because I am. If you are a highly sensitive person, what might change for you if you honored this part of you? What might you change in your life to work with this part of you rather than against it? Get curious. Let the answers come to you and decide if you want to make any changes. And remember, as with any decisions, know your reasons and like your reasons. That's what I have for you today. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to Binge Breakthrough. If you would like personalized guidance, insight, and support to implement the tools, skills, and concepts you are learning on this podcast, I have just what you need. Cultivate an entirely new relationship with yourself and with food. Alongside other women who know and understand your struggles. Coaching, connection, and change are waiting for you. Spots are limited. Find out more at janepoker.com. Forward slash today.