Food, Family, and Finding Peace During the Holidays

The holidays are coming, and if you struggle with food, you might already feel the anxiety building. 

In this episode, we explore why holiday gatherings are so challenging for people with complicated relationships with food - and what you can actually do about it. 

We're not talking about willpower strategies or strict rules. We're talking about a grounded, connected approach that helps you navigate food, family dynamics, and all the emotions that come with this season.

What You'll Discover:

• Why the "buckle down" and "screw it" approaches both backfire

• The real reasons holiday gatherings trigger food struggles (hint: it's not just about the cookies)

• Practical strategies for before, during, and after gatherings that help you stay connected to yourself

• How to handle family comments about your body, food, or life choices

If you've ever felt anxious about holiday gatherings, found yourself driving around after parties looking for food, or struggled with feeling out of control during this season, this episode will help you create a different experience this year.

Define Your Food Freedom Workshop

Have you ever defined what food freedom actually means for YOU? Knowing what you don't want isn't enough. It's important to know what you are working towards and to make sure that your definition is supporting you, not sabotaging you. 

Join me live October 5th - Save your spot.

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The holidays are coming, and if you're someone who struggles with food, you might already be feeling the anxiety building. Maybe you'll find yourself trying to white knuckle your way through with strict rules, or maybe you'll end up thinking, screw it. I'll deal with this in January. Today, we're talking about why these patterns happen and what you can do instead to actually find peace this holiday season. Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body. If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone. I've been there too. I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. Your breakthrough starts now. Hello, trusted listener. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're willing to question the all-or-nothing approaches that haven't worked for you in the past. I trust that you're here because you want something different this year. Not perfection, but peace. And I trust that you're ready to create a holiday experience that honors both your enjoyment and your well-being. As we head into the holiday season, I want to talk about something that affects so many people who struggle with food. The complexity of navigating food, family, and all the emotions that come with this time of year. I've noticed that many people tend to fall into one of a few patterns with food during the holidays. So listen to this and see where you might fall into these patterns. So some people find themselves in this serious restrictive mode, trying to buckle down, be really disciplined, avoid sugar and sweets. Maybe they're tracking everything or changing some new eating plan right before the holidays. It's like they end up white knuckling their way through, relying on sheer willpower or determination to avoid all of the bad foods. Now, other people find themselves in the opposite pattern. You know what? Screw it. The holidays are here. There is so much going on. It is just, it's too much. I can't manage it all. So I'm just gonna eat whatever and I'll think about my health in January. And they essentially give themselves permission to abandon any intention or awareness around food until the new year. And then there are some people, and maybe this is you, who don't really think about the holidays in relation to food at all until you're suddenly in the thick of it. You find yourself swept away into the same patterns with holiday food and sweets that happen every single year. And you might not even realize it's happening until you're already deep into it. Now, if you were listening last week, you might recognize these first two patterns are classic examples of black and white thinking. It's either restriction or abandon, control or chaos. All or nothing. And what we know about black and white thinking is that it actually perpetuates the cycle of struggling with food. So today I want to offer you a different way. Not a perfect way, because there is no perfect way, but a more grounded, connected approach that can help you navigate the holidays with more peace and less internal warfare. But first, I want to share a personal story because I think it's important for you to know I deeply understand how complicated the holidays can be when you're struggling with food. For many years, I was what I would call a virtuous eater, especially around the holidays. I had this pattern where I would eat one way in front of other people and completely differently when I was alone. I would never allow myself to eat something that looked delicious at a party, at least not where anyone could see me actually eating it. If there was a dessert or a treat that I really wanted, I would do one of two things. Sometimes I would take it home. I would tell people it was for my husband, and then I would eat it on the way home in the car. Other times I wouldn't eat anything at the party that I considered bad or unhealthy, but then I would stop at a bakery or a grocery store on the way home to buy food and eat it before I even got home. I would often eat before I got to holiday parties because I didn't know what food would be served. And I couldn't stand not being in control of what I ate or what was in my food. I needed to know exactly what I was eating. And if I couldn't control what was in it or what I was eating, I would just eat beforehand so I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty. Now here's what's interesting. I would actually be okay during the parties or the family gatherings themselves. I could hold it together. I could be social and present, and nobody would have known I was struggling. But for me, it was always the moments after the gatherings when I was by myself. I would leave a party or a family dinner. And as soon as I was alone in my car, I would be flooded with images of what to eat and where to get it. I would literally drive around eating all of the things I didn't allow myself to eat at that party or even throughout the rest of the year. The cookies, the candy, the baked goods, all of the things I had been good about avoiding would suddenly feel urgent and necessary. Now, I want to be clear about where I am today with this because I think it's important to show you that change is possible, but also to be honest about what change looks like. I don't consider myself a virtuous eater anymore. If there's a food I want at a gathering or a party, I will eat it and enjoy it and often talk about it with other people at the party. I'll talk about what I like or what I don't like about it. I would now call myself a discerning eater. I won't eat food just because it's there. I won't eat food just because I can. I am still selective about what I eat. And I won't eat food that I don't particularly like or that doesn't seem worth it to me. But here's the key difference: it comes from a very grounded space in my body now, not from fear. I'm not afraid of what other people will think if I eat it. I'm not thinking I can't control myself, or once I start, I won't be able to stop. Or if I eat that food, I will gain weight. There was fear behind my choices before. Now there's a solid knowing in my body about what feels right for me. This isn't to say that I'm perfect or that I never overeat, because that's simply not true either. But the relationship with food that I have now is so different from what it used to be. And that's what I want for you. Not perfection, but a fundamentally different relationship with food, where you feel more grounded, more connected to yourself, and less at war with your own desires. So let's talk about why the holidays can be so particularly challenging when it comes to food. First, there's a sheer abundance of food. And specifically, foods we often label as special or the once-a-year treats. When we tell ourselves we can only have something once a year, it creates this urgency and scarcity around that food. We'll talk more about this next week, but for now, just know that this special occasion mentality can drive a lot of the urgency and overwhelm around holiday food. Second, there's the emotional complexity of being around family. Family gatherings can bring up a lot: old patterns, old roles, old dynamics that we might have worked hard to move beyond in our everyday lives. Maybe you're the good daughter or the responsible one or the successful career person. And being back in that family system can make you feel like you're right back in those roles, whether you want to be or not. And with those roles, often come comments about your body, about your food choices, your life. Maybe it's your aunt asking, are you sure you want seconds? Or your mother commenting on your weight, whether it has gone up or down. Maybe it's well-meaning relatives asking about your relationship status, your career, your life choices in ways that feel invasive or judgmental. These comments and dynamics can activate your nervous system. Even if you logically know that your aunt's comment about your food choices says more about her than it does about you, your body might still respond with stress, tension, or that familiar urge to soothe yourself with food. Now, third, there's often this performance aspect to holiday gatherings. You might feel pressure to show up as the put-together version of yourself. Successful, happy, thriving, even if that's not how you're actually feeling. And maintaining that performance takes energy. It's exhausting to manage other people's perceptions of you while also trying to manage your own internal experience. And finally, there are often multiple events packed into a short period of time. It's not just one Thanksgiving dinner. It's friends giving and your work party and your partner's family gathering and your own family gathering and the neighborhood cookie exchange. Each event can feel like its own test, its own opportunity to either succeed or fail with food. So, given all of this complexity, what can you actually do? How can you approach the holidays in a way that feels more grounded and less overwhelming? Let me offer you some practical strategies for before, during, and after holiday gatherings. All right, let's start with before. First, I want you to decide now, not in the moment, but right now, as you are listening to this, how you want to approach the holidays this year? Set an intention for yourself. What kind of experience do you want to create for yourself? Do you want to feel more present at gatherings instead of obsessing about food? Do you want to actually enjoy the special foods without guilt? Do you want to handle family dynamics with more grace? Do you want to feel less anxious in the days leading up to events? Get it clear on what matters most to you and then choose one or two strategies you want to focus on. Not 10 strategies, one or two. Because when we try to do everything perfectly, we end up doing nothing sustainably. Let me say that again. When we try to do everything perfectly, we end up doing nothing sustainably. Now, one powerful strategy is to remind yourself you have permission to eat any food you want, any time you want. This isn't about whether you should or shouldn't eat certain foods. It's about removing the artificial scarcity that drives urgency. When you know you can have those cookies tomorrow if you want them, they become less urgent today. Another helpful practice is to eat before the gathering, but not to avoid eating at the gathering. This is different than the type of eating I used to do before the gathering. I used to eat before to avoid having to eat at the gathering. What I'm saying here is you can eat something beforehand so you don't arrive physically starving, which can just make it harder to stay connected to your body and to make intentional choices. When you're ravenous, your nervous system is already activated and everything becomes more urgent. So don't show up to an event starving. Have a snack, have something in your body so that you're not so focused on the food from the moment you walk in the door. Now, here's something else you can do that might seem small, but is really powerful. This is use the power of visualization. Visualize yourself at the gathering. See yourself navigating the food table, having conversations, handling comments from family members. Imagine yourself staying connected to your body, breathing, being present in the moment. This mental rehearsal can help your nervous system feel more prepared and less reactive when the actual time comes. All right, now during the gathering. This is where awareness becomes your greatest tool. So the goal isn't to control everything that you eat or to be perfect. The goal is to stay as connected to yourself as possible. Check in with your body periodically. You can ask yourself, how am I feeling right now? Am I physically hungry? Am I responding to stress, emotions, the environment? Is my nervous system activated? Am I feeling calm or am I feeling tense, anxious, or overwhelmed? If you notice your nervous system is activated, maybe your shoulders are tense, your jaw is tight, your breathing is shallow. That's information. It's not bad or wrong. It's just information that your body is perceiving some kind of stress or threat. So when you notice this, you can do small things to help regulate your nervous system in the moment. Take some deep breaths. Step outside for a moment. Go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face. Put your hand on your heart or even on the side of your leg and remind yourself that you're safe. Find a safe person, somebody you are comfortable with at the gathering and go talk to them. You can also practice what I call permission and presence. Give yourself permission to eat what you want and practice being present while you eat it. Taste it. Notice the texture, the flavor, the experience of eating. When we eat with presence instead of on autopilot, we often find that we feel more satisfied with less food. And if someone makes a comment about your body, your food, or your life that feels uncomfortable, you have options. You can respond with a simple, I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually not discussing that right now. You can redirect the conversation. You can excuse yourself from the conversation entirely. You don't owe anyone an explanation or justification for your choices. All right, now let's talk about after the gathering, because this is often where people struggle the most. And it was definitely true for me. You've made it through the event. You're alone now. And suddenly all of the tension, all of the emotions, all of the things you were managing during the gathering come flooding to the surface. Maybe you find yourself driving around, thinking about what you want to eat and where you can get it. Maybe you stop at the store on the way home. Maybe you get home and immediately go to the kitchen. Or maybe you get home and you have your whole family there and you all go to bed and then you get up after everyone has gone to bed. You feel this overwhelming urge to eat, even though you just ate at the gathering. Now, if this happens, I want you to pause even just for a moment and ask yourself what I call the three powerful questions. What do I notice? What do I need? And what's next? What do I notice? Maybe you notice anxiety, overwhelm, loneliness, sadness, frustration, exhaustion. Maybe you notice tension in your body. Maybe you notice your thoughts racing. Just name what you notice without judgment. Question number two, what do I need? This is different from what you want. You might want food, but what do you actually need? Do you need to decompress? Do you need connection? Do you need to move your body? Do you need rest? Do you need to process what just happened at the gathering? Do you need to feel your emotions instead of covering them over with food? That's question number two. Question number three, what's next? Based on what you've noticed and what you've identified that you need, what's one thing you could do right now that might actually address what's going on underneath the surface? Maybe it's calling a friend. Maybe it's journaling. Maybe it's putting yourself to bed. Maybe it's going for a walk. Maybe it's just sitting with the emotion and breathing through it. Maybe it's listening to some music. Here's what's really important. If you do eat, whether that's in addition to those other things or instead of them, that is not failure. You are not broken and you didn't do anything wrong. But here's what I want you to notice. Does eating actually satisfy what you're feeling? Does it address what you actually need? Because often it doesn't. So often we eat and the emotion is still there. The tension is still there. And now we also feel physically uncomfortable and probably ashamed. And when that happens, you can come back to these three questions again. They are called the three powerful questions for a reason. What do I notice? What do I need? What's next? This isn't about getting it perfect. This is about building awareness and experimenting with different ways of responding to yourself. Every single time you practice this, even if you ultimately do binge or overeat, you're learning something valuable about yourself and your patterns. And if you do overeat or binge, please, please be kind to yourself afterward. The shame spiral, the I can't believe I did that again. What's wrong with me? I'm never going to figure this out. That shame spiral is what keeps you stuck. That shame is what activates your nervous system and sets you up for the next binge. Instead, you can respond to yourself with compassion. You can acknowledge that the holidays are genuinely hard, that being around family is complex, that managing all of this takes a lot of energy. And you can remind yourself that you're doing the best you can with the tools you have right now and you are learning. Now, one more thing I want to address. If you are someone who finds yourself thinking, I'm just gonna get through the holidays and I will deal with this in January, I understand this pattern. The holidays feel overwhelming and it's so tempting to just postpone dealing with your food struggles until things calm down in the new year. But here is what I have seen happen over and over again. When you fall into that pattern, you often end up in a really difficult place come January. You've spent weeks disconnected from your body, eating in ways that don't feel good, avoiding the underlying issues. And then January hits and you're starting from a place of feeling out of control, ashamed, and desperate for a solution, which is exactly when diet culture swoops in with its promises of new year, new you. What if instead you use this holiday season as an opportunity to practice? Not to be perfect, but to experiment with staying connected to yourself even when things are complicated. To practice responding to yourself with kindness. To practice asking those three powerful questions. To practice building the skills that will actually serve you long term. You don't have to wait until January to start taking care of yourself. You can start right now, right here, in the middle of the messy, complicated holiday season. So here's what I want you to do. Decide now how you want to approach the holidays. Which strategies do you want to implement and focus on this year? Put your brain to work on the holiday season you want to create for yourself. Maybe you want to focus on eating something before you go to gatherings so you're not arriving starving. Maybe you want to practice those three powerful questions when urges come up. Maybe you want to work on setting boundaries with family members. Maybe you want to give yourself permission to actually enjoy special foods without guilt. Choose one or two things, not everything, just one or two, and commit to practicing those things. Remember, practicing doesn't mean doing them perfectly. It means trying them, noticing what happens, learning from the experience, and trying again. The holidays don't have to be a test you either pass or fail. They don't have to be something you just survive and then recover from. They can be an opportunity to practice being with yourself differently, with more kindness, more awareness, and more compassion. Your relationship with food during the holidays is information about your relationship with yourself, your family, your emotions, and your needs. When you can see it as information rather than evidence of failure or lack of willpower, everything starts to shift. You deserve to enjoy the holidays. You deserve to feel present with the people you love. You deserve to eat foods that bring you pleasure without shame. And you deserve to take care of yourself in ways that actually feel supportive and not punitive. And that's what I want for you this holiday season. Not perfection, peace, not control, connection, not willpower, wisdom about what you actually need. Next week, we're gonna talk about something your body really wants you to understand about holiday eating, something that might completely shift how you approach food during this season. Now, until then, remember, you can do this. You can have a peaceful holiday season. And I'm here to support you every step of the way. I'll see you next week. If you've been trying to stop binge eating and nothing has worked, there's a reason. I created the binge breakthrough mini series to help you finally understand what's driving your binge eating beneath the surface so that you can actually start to change it. Each video is short and they're designed to give you the clarity and direction you've been missing so you can stop feeling stuck and start finding your way out. Start watching now at janepilger.com forward slash mini. That's janepilger.com forward slash mini. M I M I