When You’re the One Everyone Relies On…

When you’re the one everyone leans on, it’s easy to slowly disappear from your own priority list.

In Episode 162 of the Feel Light Mind & Body Podcast, I sit down with Registered Nurse, Caregiving Consultant, and Care Navigator Karen Lake for an honest conversation about caregiving, burnout, emotional overload, and the pressure so many women quietly carry.

We talk about:
• caregiver burnout and chronic stress
• decision fatigue and mental overload
• resentment, guilt, and family dynamics
• hypervigilance and nervous system exhaustion
• boundaries and asking for help
• practical ways to nurture yourself without adding more pressure

Karen also shares what she’s learned from years of supporting caregivers and families through dementia, illness, and major life transitions.

Everyone will benefit from this episode because we’ve either been through it, going through it, or know someone who is experiencing the overwhelm (and often isolated feeling). 

And if you’ve been stuck in overthinking, indecision, or procrastination, my Out of the Miserable Maybe Workshop is happening May 30th in Fredericton, NB and online through Zoom.

Register here:
https://www.clarendasempowerment.com/courses/out-of-the-miserable-maybe

You can also book a free consult at:
https://calendly.com/clarendasempowerment/exclusive-20-mins-session

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Connect with Karen Lake:
www.karenlake.ca
Facebook: Karen Lake Cares

#caregiverstress #caregiverburnout #nervoussystemregulation #decisionfatigue #midlifewomen #stressmanagement

You can always find out more at:

 https://www.clarendasempowerment.com/

Transcript

0:00

When you're the one that everyone relies on, how does that feel? Welcome to episode 162 of the Feel Light Mind and Body podcast. I'm Clarenda Price, Certified Life and Weight Loss Coach. If you're caring for a loved one, this is often where your health and energy start to slip. So I've invited my friend, Karen Lake, who is a Caregiving Consultant and a Care Navigator, as well as a Registered Nurse, to join us today. Karen shares what caregiving really looks like from day to day, including the mental overload that happens, the decision fatigue, and just trying to take care of yourself. That can be challenging on a good day, but it's even more important when you're supporting someone else. Karen and I go back to our nursing days. We both graduated from UNB in the nursing program. So I know the care that she has given, because we both were in the hospital setting then, and how she works with her clients now. I've been part of her Facebook community as well, as I've gone through a lot of changes, as some of you know who've been following. And I just knew she was a perfect one to bring on. Today, we're going to talk about what caregiving really looks like. And also what things you can do to maintain what's often overlooked, and that is your own health and well-being. Welcome, Karen. It's so good to have you here, and you are the one to go to for care. When I think of caring, I think of you, for anyone who has a loved one going through some kind of transition. So I wanted to have you on here today, and I've told them a little bit about you, but, um, what is it... I guess, what is the role you play, would be the question that I have first to ask you. Hmm. I am a registered nurse. I know that's, that's sort of in our history, isn't it? Um, I've been a registered nurse. I graduated in 1989. I came to work in the home health space, and that's really where I started to meet a lot of family members, family caregivers, that were supporting their family member. And I just really leaned into supporting that particular set of individuals. There was so many people that we provided care to over the years and continue to, but I just sort of had a soft spot for family caregivers because I really feel that they support our system. They support our health system, and if they're not okay, then we're not okay. So 10 years ago, I started working independently as a registered nurse and offering my services as a care navigator because so much of what people were needing was how to navigate these systems. People just don't know what they don't know, and if you've never dove into that before, it's very overwhelming. Are you meaning, like, where to go for certain things, like the resources? That's a really big part of it, and that is the care... That's the navigation piece for sure. But you know what I found as the years have gone by is that what people really need support with is the emotional aspects of caregiving. Caregiving is very... it will challenge people physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, uh, all the things. But what I really have found where I've really enjoyed supporting my clients is in that aspect of keeping them strong, keeping them healthy so that they can keep on caregiving. Yeah. And the thing is, we know now anyone can Google anything or look in AI for the information, but what you're giving them is more the support and experience along with the information, right? To be able to decipher instead of it taking forever to look through all the places, you can say, "I've had experience here," or, "This client loved this certain resource." Does that-- is that common? Yeah, I, I mean, I say this a lot. I learn from my clients all the time, um,'cause we're lifelong learners, right? So I'm, I'm always open to learning more and what's worked for other individuals, what's worked for other families. And so much of it, Clarenda, is people being heard and people being seen, and I'll go so far as to say being celebrated. Because for too long I think caregivers have kind of perhaps been taken for granted or their role hasn't, uh, always been seen as important as it really is. So I really like to celebrate caregivers. This is no easy go. This is not an easy journey for anybody, and caregivers need someone in their corner, and I just find even sometimes doing, uh, introduction calls with people that, people that call me and they're not really sure what I can offer. A lot of times before we've even worked together, they'll say, "I just feel so much better even after talking to you" because they've had a few minutes to share it with someone who... Not that they know necessarily, but that they feel like they can trust and who's really listening. Exactly. To be seen and heard is, it just settles a nervous system, right? I think it... It's like, "Okay, I can say it to them. It doesn't matter if I sound like I'm complaining. I'm not feeling or, or coming across as ungrateful." Um, I think too, there's an expectation in society, right? And so maybe one family-- Like, I'm thinking of my mom. My mom had the expectation that she should be able to take care of Dad, right, in his dementia right till the end, and it took a lot of intervention on our part to help her because she was going into burnout, like very strong burnout. And so then it was more of the family team effort coming in instead of it being on one person. So are you able to, like, pick up on that and talk to them and help them to even accept that, yes, this is a burnout level, and I do need more resources, whether it means asking for what they need from another family member or saying, " I have the capability, but I don't have the capacity." I think I've seen it all across the board. I've seen family members who, um, don't have anyone. They are the sole provider. There are some families who simply don't want to participate in caregiving. Mm-hmm. That's challenging. But I often say, um, not everyone comes to the caregiving table. Mm-hmm. Um, and we can't waste a lot of our energy trying to make them come, Right. or trying to figure out why is my sister not helping me if... sister, brother, you know, mother, father. Um, we can't waste a lot of our energies on that. We just have to focus on what's required Yeah. and who can fulfill that, respecting that I am one person with limited time and energy, and then being able to try to incorporate who else can support us to help build what I would call a care team. Um, because you can't do this alone, not if you want it to be sustainable. Anyone can do anything for a period of time, uh, but it gets heavy. As the duration goes on, it gets heavy and heavier and more complicated. And having the care team established and sort of revising who those players are as you go along to be sustainable. I use the word sustainable a lot with my clients because that's what we need. It's a long-term game. It could be. It could be. It could be a sprint or it could be a marathon. But if there's one thing we know about caregiving, you know this, it's unpredictable. Yes. We don't know, we don't always know the trajectory of disease or what's going to happen the next month or the next year. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I want to just back up a bit when you were talking about, you know, if a sibling, if another family member's not helping out. I think that's really wise for you to um, help them to focus on what the reality is rather than what they wish could happen. Because we can ask, but then if the answer is no, then it's like,"Okay, what's my next step?" So you're not wasting energy, and also the resentment doesn't build up, you know,'cause resentment then will just decrease the energy more, which... Okay, go ahead. Well, I was just... when you were saying that I, when you were mentioning about resentment, because that, that's big, and that happens, that develops a lot. Those relationships that may be challenged at the time of caregiving, because maybe you're not working collaboratively, maybe your siblings, um, whoever else, maybe it's no one is coming forward. Um, I've had a lot of caregivers say to me, "People have just said no. Right. I've asked for help, and they have said no." So that's really difficult, and especially with our closest relationships like our siblings, and those relationships are deep-rooted, um, they go back, and so a lot of that history comes with it. Any triggers? Mm-hmm. And I often encourage them to just, you know, if they're not coming, I'll call it, I'll keep calling it the caregiving table, as I often do. Just set that aside for now, as they say, put a pin in it. You can revisit that relationship later. And that's what I've often seen when I've had the opportunity to follow up with families that I've worked with and, you know how us nurses are, we always like to know what the outcome is, and we don't always have that benefit. But where they've actually been able to come to terms with their relationship with their sibling, who may not have participated at the time, but they were able to come to terms in their relationship, good or bad, afterwards. Because at the time, you just need to focus on what's at hand, and sometimes that does mean just plowing forward and developing the care team with who else is coming to the caregiving table, and sometimes those people surprise you, and a lot of times they're not family. Right. And it's, every sibling has a different experience. Say, if we're talking about parents, they have a different experience with their parent than maybe if it's you, that you had. And so sometimes things can get triggered because if the patient is... Or the patient, we go back to patient. If the client/patient is, um, nasty suddenly, that could trigger something that from the past or like... So then therefore, it might be good for them not to be present if maybe you had the experience where you didn't have that happen. So I think just being able to understand or try to put yourself in the other person's shoes is, "I wonder why they're finding it hard to step up and help," and just giving them that space, Hmm. as hard as it might be. And then it comes back to taking care of yourself as the caregiver, right? And I, I know- I can just think of various clients that I have that even though they're with me to feel lighter in their mind and body, and the byproduct of that is weight loss, a lot of them, because it's people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, even into the 70s, they're going through... It's either a child, a sibling that needs care, and they could be in different, um... I know I have one that's in the States, in New York, and her brother is in another state, and so she's got that, that role to play, and that's a lot of strain. So yeah, I think it's just being, being really aware and also taking care of yourself because then if not, your energy is so drained, and then your health starts to deplete as well. So I'm sure you notice that as well. Like, I think our clientele kinda overlap in that area, as we were mentioning before we hit record. Yeah, and oftentimes the caregiving role falls to women. Mm-hmm. That's just traditionally how things have been. But I certainly have had lots of individuals that I've worked with where sons, nephews, the male, the husband, um, have taken the lead on caregiving too. So often at this time in life when people's parents are aging, if that's who you're providing care and support to, or perhaps it's a partner, life partner, an illness has developed, um, it presents at the same time with so many other life events, right? We could be talking about, you're in the... maybe, the senior years of your career, so you could have a lot of work responsibilities. Your children could be in university, or maybe they're leaving the home. We may have experienced death with friends or other family members. So there's a lot that comes with this at a time in life that really is quite challenged to begin with. And like you say, that can often deplete people because there is only so much time and energy that we all have. And so it just becomes essential to not only prioritize, but be focused, and I think that's a lot of the... I would say when you were talking about the work that I do, Clarenda, it would be to help people get that clarity and focus so that this is, this is what we're working on today or this week or this year. Because of the unpredictability of disease and health, but just because we only have a limited amount of time and energy, and so boundaries become huge, and sort of rest and resetting our storage of those things so that we can get up and do it all again the next day. Yeah. Just last week or the week before, I was talking with a client, and of course, we talk about the things that you eat over. And one of them was the caretaking thing, and, and she was saying,"It does-- it's not fair. It's just not fair that this is happening right now when I'm freshly retired and I'm wanting to do this and that." And I said, "We cannot..." Of course, there was more empathy in there too, but it was like, "since we cannot change the situation, the best question I asked, I think, for her to think about is, how do you want to show up?" Because can't argue with reality. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you wish it could be different, but it is now, so our perspective and how we show up, and I said,"So how do you want to show up?" And she said, "I want to show up from love. I want to show up from love and not like denial, not resentment." So that's the areas we worked on at that point. And she just, again, left feeling lighter because of it. She's like, "Oh, okay." You know? So it's to acknowledge it. You don't want to just spiritually bypass those feelings. But then, uh, again, it comes down to choice in the end, to have an empowered choice and not feel like you're at effect, you're at the, um, victim, like in that story. And honestly I think that that is how most family caregivers, people that are supporting someone in whatever capacity that is, I think truly that everyone wants to show up with love and good intention. One of the things that came out recently in the... there was a Canada-wide survey as well as a New Brunswick-wide survey that was just done with caregivers, and one of the things, that came out of that survey was caregivers feeling that they have to do everything or, and/or they are not doing enough. Right. And that was really startling to me that that was how caregivers, a large majority were feeling. When is enough, enough? Right? When is enough, enough? They weren't doing enough. Because I know when I, when I talk with clients and doing consultations with different family members and when we talk about what it is they want to achieve, it's always from a good place. Um, even though sometimes it's difficult decisions that our person that we're supporting may not like. Right. But it always comes from a place of love. Usually a place of safety. Usually a place of good intention. And that's what I try to get them to hold onto because even though you're in a position now where you may have to make a tough decision on behalf of your person, you're doing it with love and good intention. Mm-hmm. There's nothing malicious. I always say there's nothing malicious going on here. This is all well-intentioned. We're doing the best that we can. Yeah. Yeah. So some people that are watching or listening might be saying, "I have a friend who's going through this, and I feel kind of helpless." What would be some tips that you would give for how they could support? Because I'm sure there's things they have no idea that that caretaker is going through. They only know what they see, but they don't really maybe know what's going on within, especially if it's a neighbor, that they're not having conversations every day to be able to get into the heart issues so much. But what would you suggest for supporting and helping someone going through this? Hmm. Um, I would say just to listen with no other intention. Hmm. What caregivers have told me is that they need someone to just listen, not necessarily to give them advice. Advice, yes. Not necessarily to tell them the phone number of a great person, that could come and stay with their individual. People want-- we want to fix things, right? Mm-hmm. Nurses. Nurses are like that, but I think people in general are like that, and they want to help in whatever capacity that that might be. But I think sometimes we have to get creative because we know that a lot of caregivers won't ask for help. Mm-hmm. So we have to tread a little cautiously that way when we're offering our support. But honestly, I feel that people... What we were speaking a few minutes when we first started was about feeling like they're being heard, that they're being seen. That they can just take a few minutes to talk with a trusted friend or individual with no judgment, that there's no judgment here. I'm not trying to fix your problem. There, there isn't an easy fix for any of it. It might just be a listening ear over a cup of coffee, or a cup of tea or a walk by the river or just, you know, 10 minutes on a phone call, or just reaching out by text. Or maybe just doing something unsolicited, like dropping off a little basket, or some baking, or just letting them know that you're thinking about them because there isn't always a fix. But it is nice to know that people are thinking of you and that people do want to help. And on the flip side, I often suggest to my clients and caregivers in general, like, keep your people, keep your circle... like your trusted circle up-to-date with what's happening. Because if they don't know what's happening, it's more difficult to know where they could help, um, if you know what I mean. Like just a matter of like keeping your... I keep saying your trusted circle, you know, with what's happening and what's progressing, and what it is that would be helpful. So is that, you know, sitting with the individual for a couple of hours so that you can go out to get groceries? But if people don't know what's happening, then they tend to take a step back, and sometimes they take a step back too many times, and then you've lost that connection. I had a friend who was going through with her parents the palliative care two different times, and a group chat seemed to be a very helpful thing because other people... she didn't have to suggest it even. Others would say, "Do you need a meal dropped off? Would that be helpful?" Instead of her having to say, "Help." You know, it's like, "Yes." So then someone would know, "Okay, I'll just even put a serving for her to have something when she comes home late at night, that she has something there." Uh, and that was a helpful and less pressure on her to have to reach out. And then the other thing I've told people that I found when my dad passed was, uh, tell people if I'm reaching out to someone, I'll say, "No need to reply." Then when someone did that to me, I was like, "Ah," because there'd be so many messages coming in, and then I would just simply either heart it or send back a heart. Yes. And that way they would know I, you know, received it, and then I could circle back later when I had the energy and the bandwidth. But I found when people give that permission, then there's not an, that expectation of... 'cause you're like, you would so appreciate it, but you just don't have it in you. Right. Um, another tip that I give to people is to have what I call like a disposable list, like a list of things that anyone could do. Yes. Not to be creating another job for anybody, but just sort of the standard things that need to get done in the run of a day or week or month, especially this time of year when we change seasons and there's things to do with our homes. But for the people that do come forward and do offer to help, and I hope for every caregiver you have at least one person that would do that or could do that, just look to your list. Because, you know, even just picking up and going to the grocery store to get a carton of milk isn't an easy task for everybody. We kind of take that for granted. So- If you know you have a friend, you know, who has said that, then that kind of is on your disposable list. Like, okay, I need this, this, and this, or the lawn has to be mowed, or the leaves have to be raked, you know. And I think that the more that we incorporate people into our care team, like they, they want to help too, and they don't always know how. That's right. Especially with cases with dementia, people can be frightened a bit when they see that the individual's personality has changed. And they're not really sure how they can help or how they would contribute or, you know, he's not the same or she's not the same. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do, right? But I feel, I do still trust that there are people that want to help. They just don't always know how to help. So something like that on your disposable list could be something for that individual, and it, it goes the same with your core group of people. Let's say it's a group of siblings. I know I went through this. I go through this with my own siblings, where we have to look at our strengths and, and what we can do and what we want to do. And, like, there will be some people... I always admire the caregivers that can clearly define what they're prepared to do. Because it makes it, the clarity is, is there. So then, okay, she, "Mrs.", is firm. That she is never going to assist her husband with a bath, dressing, grooming, shaving. She's set that boundary. She's laid that boundary. So now we know where we need to, we need to fill that role with somebody else. Do you see what I mean? So it kind of gets things focused and clearer about what we need because sh- she set the boundary. And we can't question, kind of going back to the whole siblings and helping and not helping and resentment, and that can build up. We have to just respect what each other are prepared to come to the table with and not question it, but just honor it and accept it and just respect them for what they are willing to do. And sometimes you do have to delegate. Like, if, if you take the lead in your family, and if you are good at that boundary setting, sometimes it does mean, you know, delegating to your sister, to your brother, "Well, Mom needs this," or, "Mom needs to be taken to the doctor on this day," you know." Can you do that?" Sometimes you have to direct the show a little bit. Always with, you know, respect and, with the right approach, I guess. With whoever it is that you're asking the help of. So Karen, when people are in the throes of caretaking, when do you start to notice? Like, how do you notice that things are starting to slip for them? You know, the introduction to caregiving can be all of a sudden, or it can be very progressive, right? Sometimes it just starts with, you know, maybe supporting your parent to get their groceries or making a meal here and there, or picking them things up. The responsibilities kind of become heavier as perhaps as their health has deteriorated. But then sometimes we're just thrust into the caregiving role if someone has a devastating diagnosis or a critical accident or incident, hospitalization. But where I see it show up for caregivers is that they become so focused on the person they're providing care and support to, that they tend to neglect their own health and wellness. And that might be things, just like routine things, like health screenings. Like, having a mammogram or getting their medications refilled, or getting their eyes checked, going to the dentist. All of the things because that time that might have been their free time to do that before, that's been filled in with appointments for mom or dad or their spouse. And so that's where I tend to see that kind of thing showing up is that they tend to neglect their own health because they are sometimes consumed with the health of somebody else. Yeah, and forget about a manicure, right? Like that's, uh, that's something that... like a manicure is nice and, you know... It's low on the list. Right. And realistically, a day at the spa might not be like, that's probably not realistic for a caregiver. Sounds nice, and I wouldn't say no, but it's probably not realistic. So the way... It probably would create more stress. Like more stress 'cause like how do you unwind when you know there's 10 other things that really need to be done today? Mm-hmm. So the way I try... I wish we had another word for self-care, to be honest. I use nurturing. I use nurturing because when you're nurturing and you're thinking of nurturing yourself, you're not giving yourself junk food to nurture. Whereas with self-care, you're like, "I've earned this. I want my cheesecake and wine to unwind." But it's not going to help in the long run. So when I say, "What would really nurture me?" Yeah, nurture. It's not just now but yeah, tomorrow it would help. And so nurturing to me is going to bed, or even for a caregiver having a nap because they've been up all night with their parent. Well, and the way I try to look at it is kind of the way that I've managed nurturing. I'm gonna change my verb. Sometimes we just have to change the word. Yes. The way that I managed that for myself after, as I was recovering, I won't say after, but as I was recovering from burnout, was small but very impactful, intentional things that I could fit in my day anyway. Yes. So that meant different practices, and they were things that I was not used to doing before. Can you give some examples? Sure. So because I have to walk the dog, like that, that's a non-negotiable when you... in my opinion. When you have an 89-year- pound, uh, dog, you need to walk her. That's right. It's good for me, too. So I don't start my day until a certain time after I get some of these practices finished. So because I'm walking the dog, which is time outside, and it's movement. So we've got two nourishing, nurturing things right there. While I'm walking, I actually practice my gratitude. Mm-hmm. And I start it the same way every day. And I say that I'm thankful for the gift of this day. Yes. And then I think of three things, it's not hard, uh, that I'm grateful for. And then I think of three things that, like something positive that could happen that day. Yes. And it can vary, and it's all very personal, very much personal to you. And then I always say three "I am" statements. And you know, one of them lately has been, "I am safe." Mm-hmm. Yes."I am secure. I am supported." Because I feel like our nervous systems, like especially caregivers, we're very hypervigilant. So... And I remember it was Carissa actually who used that kind of, uh, explanation. She said care- we're like this, 'cause we're always, like, looking above the line to see, like, what's gonna happen next. And I talk to a lot of caregivers, and I can... I get this sense of hypervigilance. When's the other shoe gonna drop? Right, like when the phone rings, um, when I get that text from my sister, when I get that report from the doctor. So yeah. And I think what we, we typically, especially maybe in current climate, we are hypervigilant, and so we need ways to calm us down. So that's what I find myself saying to myself, "I am safe. I am supported." And sometimes we need a little morale booster, like, "I am confident," or, "I am, uh, loved. I am lovable." "I'm motivated." Just different things to kind of give us that boost to ourself. But that's just how I work that into something I'm already doing. And then... Habit stacking. It's like a habit stack. You just keep adding to it. Yeah habit stack. Oh, go ahead. I was just gonna say it, we know about habit forming, like how long you have to do it before it just becomes a routine. Right, part of who you are. Yeah. And initially it's weird, and it's different, and you sometimes think, like, you know, "What's this 'I am' stuff about, 'I am' statements?" Or, you know, "What, what good is it to say, you know, what you're grateful for that day?" But it does work. It is all in the part of your mindset that can keep you strong and keep you motivated and keep you going. I have... I've found it amazing, but I also realize that we have to work it into our already full days. So if you're sitting with your mom in a waiting room, you can practice gratitude. You can take deep breaths. You can, you know, move your body or exercise. I mean, I had jaw exercises to do, and I was doing them when I was driving. You can do kegels too. So we just work it into our day, right? Most people, caregivers or not, they don't have the ability to take a half day here or a half day there, or a full day there. That would be wonderful, and that's great, too. Having relief and respite from your duties is a healthy thing to reset your system and to calm your system. But when you can't do that regularly, if that's not realistic, then just do the baby steps. But, like, impactful steps. Like, there's something really impactful about being well-hydrated and your body being nourished. It gives you the energy 'cause you're already depleted of energy. So... Right? You've got to, you've got to restore. You've got to restack it all because like I said earlier, it's very challenging. Caregiving will challenge you in ways that you haven't been challenged before, and I would go so far as to say you won't be the same person when your caregiving journey is over. Yeah. No, you don't. But it's loaded with life lessons. Absolutely. Absolutely. And another thing that I find is, when you're doing the affirmations and that as well, uh, one that worked for me was, "I am courageous," because I didn't always believe that I am something else. But courageous I could go, "Yes, I know I'm courageous right now." So it has to... For me, it has to feel somewhat believable, otherwise it's like this pie in the sky, and the back of my mind's like, "Liar." So I tell people not to go to the extreme because then people said,"It didn't work for me." It's because your body is just like, it's just too big. So if you can do, like, a bridge one just to get you there, that's, that helps. Yeah, so, so much of it is the mindset. It is. It is. And, like, some of the other aspects of caregiving may come easier to others, like learning about supports, services, programs, what's available. Like, those things are doable, but the emotional stuff, the life learning, the lessons, the mindset shift, that's all the challenging stuff. And it doesn't help when society tends to push us to the belief that, you know, more is better, and outdo yourself, and try harder, and "no pain, no gain." And... You should never be sad. You should always be happy. No. It's like think of others before yourself. So there's all these myths that we've... beliefs that we've been taught all of our life that at a really challenging time, we have to try to undo that. But we don't need to be heroes. And it is okay to be focused on yourself and to nurture and nourish yourself, I say, so that you can keep on caregiving,'cause we need you to be okay. Absolutely. Absolutely. One more thing that I'm thinking about is decision fatigue. Like, how many decisions you have to make, and sometimes as you're making that decision, especially, like, if you're power of attorney or whatever, and you know that there may be others in the family who aren't going to agree with you, the stress of that. Um, but also that the mind just never shuts off. So I'm just wondering if there's anything, like, with decision fatigue that you've noticed or you would want to share an example or anything. I, I mean, I see it every day. I see it every day, and I, I see caregivers, to use your word, Clarenda, have to be courageous and have to make really difficult decisions that they probably never thought they would have to make. That they probably wish, yeah, I, I would like to put down the gauntlet. I don't want to make one more decision today, or I don't have the capacity to make one more decision today. And just allowing yourself the grace to, to set that down for the day. If everything is done, dusted, everyone's good, and then to pick it up maybe with a fresh, you know, fresh outlook the next day. But no, it's, it's very real, just like the guilt that comes with caregiving is very real. There's some things that are just very much a part of caregiving, and those are the most challenging things. And they're the most challenging things that impact our health, our mental health included, and our wellness. And that's why we have to be so supported and strong in that area so that we can keep on, 'cause the decisions are definitely heavy, and it's a definitely a real part of caregiving. Absolutely. Well, I have one last question. If someone could do one shift this week, like one simple step... they're in that fatigue... they're in that burnout perhaps, or in overwhelm, what is one thing you would suggest? Well, you know the thing that I like to do at the end of the day, I call it reverse gratitude, and it's recognizing at least one good thing that happened. Mm-hmm. And there's got to be. There's got to be one good thing. Maybe your mom had a good dinner out with a friend. Maybe your dad walked a few steps for the first time in a long time. Maybe your spouse put in a full day at an adult day program. It could be, it could be something small. It could be "I managed to drink two liters of water today." It doesn't have to always be focused on the person you care for. It could be very much be focused on yourself. I managed to get my 10,000 steps in today, or I'm, I got to bed early every night this week, or even one night this week. So just to be able to recognize and honour what it is that you have done. Yes. What you get, what you do every day. And I love that word honour Clarenda, so many of the clients that I talk to, they are looking for support in how they can honour their person. Their sister has said, "I want to die in my own home." That, that is her wish, and how do we honor her? How can we make that happen? And when you look at it from that framework, it just is so much lighter, isn't it? It doesn't feel heavy. It's like this is something we wanna do to honor her, and I just love that. And we have to honor ourselves and give ourselves credit for what we are doing. Because our brain will provide us with all the things we didn't get done or all the things we didn't do right. So I have a very similar thing with my clients at the end of the day. Just they have one sheet, and at the end there's three questions. And one of the questions is,"What am I proud of today?" Instead of looking at, "I did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong." But"What am I proud of?" sets it up. And then the next question is, "If I were to do something different tomorrow, what would that be?" Oh, I love that. And sometimes that is, "I'm going to make sure I take care of myself and not everybody else. I am going to stop or attempt to stop the people-pleasing, because then I feel resentful and I feel out of alignment." So those are the things. And another thing I like to do at the end of my day is, "What am I looking forward to?" It might not be tomorrow, 'cause tomorrow might be a really hard day. But it's, "What am I looking forward to?" It might be a month from now that you have something, you know, you can go to bed with that peace. Another thing is to write down everything that's going on in your head... Yes. And close those loops up, and knowing that it's, it's noted. And I'll revisit that list tomorrow.

So at 3: 40:33

00 in the morning, the brain's not telling you, "Oh, don't forget this, and you've gotta do this." "Got it. Taken care of. Be quiet. I'm going back to sleep." I like having a notepad I keep a little notepad in my bedside table. And because we all have moments where we've woken in the middle of the night and I don't know why it is, but things really seem worse at 3:00 in the morning

than they do at 8: 40:54

00 AM, but they do. And it, sometimes you just have to get it out of your head, right? So I quietly open the bedside drawer and I take out my little notepad and I scribble it down in the dark. Heaven knows what it's gonna look like the next day. Uh, but I'll understand it. But yeah, it's just to do that brain dump we call it, right? Like getting it out and it's like, "Oh, okay. I'll deal with that tomorrow." That's right. But for now, uh, to sleep. My purpose now is to sleep and recharge so we can start again tomorrow. Yes. Well, Karen, it's been awesome having you on. I think it's gonna be very helpful, very encouraging for those who are going through this time. And we both honor them. We've both been through it. We know what it's like, and having that support is crucial. It's so helpful to have someone like you that they can sit down and talk to, and knowing that it's professional, it's safe, it's non-judgmental, and you just have a good listening ear. So thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Now we need to get out for a walk again someday. Yes, we do. To nurture ourselves. It's gotta be water involved somewhere. We'll go back the river. Sounds good. It's a date. All right. Take care. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, don't leave. Two things that I forgot to mention. I forgot to ask Karen where you could reach her if you are interested in knowing more about what she's doing and how she can support you. So I sent her a quick message, and she said www.karenlake.ca or Karen Lake Cares on Facebook. And the second thing is I'm going to run the Out of the Miserable Maybe workshop again, May 30th. It's a Saturday afternoon, in person here in Fredericton, New Brunswick, or online. We bring you into the room through Zoom. And we did this back a while ago, and it was a success. People who had been in indecision, and we know how miserable that can be... Like just circling a question, a problem, something you've been wanting to do but you've been putting off, procrastinating, whatever that might be, and we look at that, and we work through it. I have a formula that you use to see whether the highly likelihood of you finishing it. And then when it is low, you're like, "This is not gonna happen," I help you get to the next step. And you will leave feeling like, "I've got this. I have this plan," understanding why this has been happening in the past and what you can do to make a difference in the future for yourself. So we'd love to have you there. I'll put her information and this information in the show notes, so be sure to check it out. And let me know if you've enjoyed having a podcast guest on, as I have a couple of more I'm thinking about in the near future. All right. Make it a great week, and thanks for listening or watching right to the end.