EP 139: How to Talk to Teens About Drinking and Peer Pressure (What I Told My Sons Before College)

Sending your teen off to college? The first weeks of freshman year are full of pressure—parties, alcohol, drugs, and the deep desire to belong. As a Catholic sobriety coach (and mom of three), I just walked my own son through this transition and had “the talk” every parent needs to have.

In this episode, I’ll share:

• How to talk to teens about drinking before college (without sounding like a hypocrite)
• What neuroscience tells us about alcohol, confidence, and the developing brain
• Practical ways to prepare your teen for peer pressure, dating, and parties
• How faith and identity give students true belonging that alcohol never can
• What to say if your teen has already been drinking—and how to give them hope and help

If you’ve ever wondered how to start the conversation, what to say, or how to prepare your teen for the realities of college life, this episode is for you.

Because here’s the truth: belonging doesn’t require a bottle. And one honest conversation could change everything.

For more info check out: What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain & Health | Dr. Andrew Huberman https://youtu.be/DkS1pkKpILY?si=UrnTJsCSilvhWEi5

If you have ever...

• Struggled with the social pressures associated with alcohol use.
• Felt isolated, alone, and unsure of how to break the cycle.
• Experienced shame and frustration after drinking.
• Told yourself, “I’ll never get this. It’s no use.”

Then this 5-Day Sacred Sobriety Kick Start is for you! 

Each day, you’ll receive a short video with simple tasks to help you analyze your drinking habits with clarity.

I'm here for you. I'm praying for you. You are NOT alone!

Please subscribe to this podcast so you won't miss a thing!

👉🏻 JOIN THE FREE 5-DAY KICK START
https://the-catholic-sobriety-coach.myflodesk.com/5-day-sobriety-kick-start

Visit my Website: https://thecatholicsobrietycoach.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Catholic Sobriety Podcast
• 2:20 Life Updates and Summer Challenge
• 5:57 College Preparations and Parental Concerns
• 9:42 The Neuroscience Behind Alcohol
• 15:39 Belonging vs. Blending In
• 20:52 Supporting Kids Who Already Drink
• 24:42 Final Encouragement for Parents

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives, women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, christi Walker. I'm a wife, mom and a joy-filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic Sobriety Coach, and I am so glad you're here. Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. It has been a while since I've released a new episode, and I just gotta tell you life has been really full around here in a good way, though. Life has been really full around here in a good way, though, and one of those reasons is that I just wrapped up our 62 day soberish summer challenge. If you've been following me for a while or you're on my newsletter, you probably saw mention of this or have heard about it, but it was just this beautiful journey with a group of women who wanted to take an honest look at their relationship with alcohol. So, for 62 days, I guided them through with daily audios, coaching prompts, journaling, exercises, resources, non-alcoholic fun drinks and all kinds of things, helping them discern how much alcohol is too much for me, do I want to reduce or eliminate it, and what would going alcohol-free look like in my own life, and I gotta tell you it was amazing, because I ended up creating tools on the fly that I had never created before, and I did it because the community needed them, and that is one of my favorite things about group work is how the Holy Spirit shows up and new things come to life. So we did the challenge inside of Slack. I had never done that before and I absolutely loved the community aspect of it. The feedback has been wonderful and, I'll be honest, it filled me up to walk alongside these women in that way over the summer. So if you are in that challenge, thank you, thank you, thank you. It was such a joy and a gift to be with you through it all.

Speaker 1: 2:32

But that's not the only reason that I've been a little quiet on the podcast. Life at home has been big too. Our twins graduated from high school this spring I think I mentioned that before and while one of them is staying close to home, working and planning on starting college here in a few weeks, while the other just moved out of state to start college in the city where I grew up my hometown. So, as you might imagine, the past few months have been so bittersweet. They've been full of packing lists, target runs, dorm shopping, super long to-do lists which, thankfully, my husband loves to create and I love to check things off and, yes, lots and lots of emotions. And last but certainly not least, there's our middle schooler who just started tackle football and has practices like every single night. But I will say that this football loving household has been so excited to have him doing that and, yeah, it's just been a joy to watch him step into that new challenge and just love every minute of it. So, a full summer, a full heart and a lot, a lot of change.

Speaker 1: 3:59

As we were doing all the prepping and planning and purchasing items to send one of our sons out of state, I found myself in that place that so many moms go to that. Have I taught him enough? Have I told him the right things? Will he remember what really matters when I'm not right beside him, telling him, reminding him, guiding him? I hope I'm not the only one. I don't think I'm the only one who has gone through that.

Speaker 1: 4:29

But one of the things that rose to the top for me was alcohol and drugs. Now, if you know my story, you know that I've been alcohol-free for 28 years. My kids have never seen me drink. They know I'm a sobriety coach. They know that this is my life's work. So, yes, we've had many, many conversations about alcohol over the years.

Speaker 1: 4:52

But this time my husband and I wanted to sit both of our older boys down the one heading to college and his twin staying home along with their younger brother and we wanted to have a deeper talk. Because the truth is, these conversations aren't just one and done. They need to be revisited, expanded and adjusted as kids grow. And through that process I realized that so many parents also want to have this conversation, but they don't always know how Like. I've just had these conversations, but I do know that some parents avoid it altogether because they just don't feel equipped or, especially if they are prone to over-drinking themselves, they may feel like having that conversation is hypocritical. Others think, oh, this is just a part of the college experience. Better they do it with me than with strangers. But I want to challenge that. You don't have to be the cool parent who sends your underage kid to school with a case of beer or shrugs it off because marijuana is legal in your state, like it is mine. Those are not badges of belonging. They are setups for danger yes, danger. You think I'm being dramatic, I'm not. It really can be very dangerous. So today I want to share what I told my own sons, not because I have all of it figured out, but because what I know can help you as you prepare to send your child into a new season.

Speaker 1: 6:36

So let's talk about the modeling piece. Let's start here, because this is the roadblock for so many parents. Maybe you haven't been the perfect role model when it comes to alcohol. Maybe your kids have seen you drink too much at a party, or they've watched you pour a glass of wine when you're stressed out, and so you think who am I to talk about this with them? But here's the truth your kids don't need you to be perfect, they just need you to be honest. And modeling isn't just about showing the ideal. It's about owning the real Like saying things like I didn't always get this right, but I want better for you. Or I know that you have seen me drink when I'm stressed, but I want you to also know that I'm learning healthier ways to cope. And I can tell you that humility is modeling too. It gives your child permission to be honest about their own struggles instead of hiding them.

Speaker 1: 7:44

The other thing that I talked in depth with them about is the neuroscience behind alcohol and why control, being in control and staying in control matters. So I told my boys your brains are still wiring until you're about 25 years old and alcohol and drugs literally interfere with that process. Alcohol rewires your brain. Alcohol and drugs rewire your brain, and here's what I mean. So the prefrontal cortex, that part of your brain that manages judgment, self-control and decision making that is still developing and alcohol shuts that down temporarily and that's why drinking makes people feel much bolder or sillier or more outgoing.

Speaker 1: 8:34

But that is not true confidence. It's just a lowered inhibition, and when your judgment is impaired, you are actually very vulnerable. And this is so important because being in control of your mind and body matters. And I want to tell you that I know this not just from things I've read or people I've talked to. I know this from personal experience and I know that the first few weeks of college are statistically the most dangerous. And please know I do not say that lightly, I am not here to fearmonger. I can tell you that on my son's campus alone, parents and students have already received several sexual assault alerts this semester and, honestly, it's only been in session for the past couple of weeks and, as far as I can tell from the information that has been provided to us, alcohol was involved every single time.

Speaker 1: 9:44

So when you are not fully in control of your mind or body, you cannot fully protect yourself. You are not fully aware of what is going around going on around you, who is around you. Many of these kids don't even know the other people that they are around. They are have just put trust in basically strangers. And, again, you cannot make wise choices when the part of your brain that tells you to stop that manages. You know, being able to kind of judge and navigate a situation has been impaired and, sadly, others may take advantage of that.

Speaker 1: 10:32

And then there's also the fact that alcohol can cause blackouts and can cause people to do things or say things and not remember them at all because they have blacked out. This is dangerous. So it's something that just cannot be. It just needs to stop. And honestly, I really, really wish that colleges, if they were serious about protecting their students, protecting their students, they would come down much harder on alcohol on campus, in on-campus living situations, in fraternities and sororities and things like that. That's my humble opinion, but I think I'm right.

Speaker 1: 12:57

The other thing I want to note that kind of goes with this, which really isn't yet a thing for my sons because they're not of legal age to drink. But as far as dating and drinking, you know, our culture glamorizes like let's grab a drink and it's supposed to sound sophisticated or something, or like it's a way to ease the awkwardness of a first date. But the truth is, dating while drunk is also extremely dangerous, because you can't fully consent when you're impaired. You don't really know the other person's intentions or who they are, even if you think that you do, and you can't honestly show up as your real self if you are drinking while dating. So if you want a relationship that's rooted in honesty and respect, it cannot be built on blurred conversations and half-remembered nights. That's just a little tidbit of information that I think is helpful and something that can be communicated to young adults as well.

Speaker 1: 14:05

The other thing we talked about is belonging versus blending in. So I always try to remind my boys that not everyone is drinking, and they know this to be a fact because they went through their entire high school without drinking. None of their friends drink. Actually, gen Z, I believe, is the generation that I think is really going to rise up, and soon we will look at excessive alcohol use like we do other things that are dangerous like cigarette smoking and things like that. There's so many new non-alcoholic options and things that people can have and, quite honestly, a good big portion of college students either don't drink at all or they actually drink far less than people assume. But then there are some young people who just assume everybody is drinking, especially if they're drinking, and they think everybody is drinking the same amount as they did. So if they actually stopped and just kind of observed people and didn't drink, they would probably realize that there are people that they think are drinking that aren't, or that they that don't drink. You know as much as they think.

Speaker 1: 15:20

So I asked them would you rather be liked for who you are or for who you are pretending to be? Because, like for me, I started drinking to be part of something. You, if you've heard my story, you've heard me say it was this magic elixir that got me into parties, that got me a friend group, that got me a boyfriend, all of those things that my teenage mind thought that I needed Alcohol, I believed at that time, was the key to all of it, but I wasn't me. That wasn't who I am. It was like just this alcohol-soaked version of me. It was a persona. It wasn't authentically me. It wasn't authentically me. So then I would ask them if your friends only want to be around you when they're drinking, are they really your friends? Because when I stopped drinking in my early 20s, I let go of a lot of those people, and they didn't really care because I wasn't drinking and that's what they like to do. Don't really care because I wasn't drinking and that's what they like to do.

Speaker 1: 16:43

So I feel that it was so important to communicate to my sons that community isn't about being the same as everybody else. It's about being authentic, because people are drawn to authenticity. Now, one of the things that I also warn them about, though, is that there are those who drink and party, and then they might hone in on somebody who's not drinking, who doesn't like to party. You know they're this person that holds this virtue, and you know it could be with a lot of different things, but the people who party not everyone, but sometimes people who party and drink and everything they will be relentless on these people that don't, because it's almost like they're trying to drag them down with them and they're not really. That's not really their plan. They're just thinking I have so much fun, so you would have so much fun if you just did this thing, when in reality, they just don't want to feel like what they're doing is wrong. And so the more people that they can get to do that same thing, the more it makes them feel like, oh, this is okay, the more people they surround themselves who are doing the same thing or doing it even more than they are. That makes them feel better about themselves.

Speaker 1: 18:09

So that was one of the warnings that I gave them is just to be steadfast in their decisions, because that is where their power comes from. They lose that power once they give in. And then, of course, I tied all of this back to faith, because identity in Christ is the anchor, not the identity of the person that you think you are. When you drink, I forgot my identity and I became the person that I thought I was when I was drinking, like I became that person, and then, when I wasn't drinking, it felt very uncomfortable, because then I was just me and it was just I don't know, it was just really confusing and I thought, well, this is just who I am now.

Speaker 1: 19:07

But 2 Timothy 1, 17 tells us, for God gave us not a spirit of timidity, but of power of love and of self-control. And that means that in being able to say no and make good choices, they already have that power to make those strong choices. They already have love. That doesn't depend on fitting in and they already have self-control. And the best part is, the more you practice it, the easier it becomes and it makes them leaders. I told them, like they never know who they will inspire just by being them, just by being authentically them, because God can use that to help other people, so that they can see wow, I don't have to do that, he doesn't do that, and look how happy he is, or look how fulfilled he is, or you know whatever. It is not to be them but to realize, like I don't have to stay stuck. So I felt like that was such a critical piece to share with them too.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Now I want to pause here and speak into something really, really important, because maybe you're having this conversation with your child and suddenly you realize they've already been drinking, or maybe you strongly suspect that they have. Maybe you've heard the stories or noticing things, just don't add up. First of all, I just want you to take a breath. This doesn't mean it's too late. Just because they've done it before does not mean they have to keep doing it Now.

Speaker 1: 20:54

When I think back to my own story, I wonder what could someone have said to me that might have helped me to rethink the track that I was on? And here's what's come to mind Look, I know you've already tried drinking, but you don't have to keep going down that road just because you started. Every day is a new choice. What you did last weekend does not define who you are today. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and you are equipped to resist these temptations. And if you want help stopping, there is help available, available, and you do not have to do this alone. That's the message that I wish I'd heard Not shame, not anger, but hope. The reminder that I wasn't locked into my mistakes, that someone would walk me toward a better path, that the reason that I had trouble stopping alcohol had nothing to do with me being a bad person or not having willpower, but it had everything to do with how alcohol affected my brain and my body, and that's what your child needs from you too. They need to know that your love for them doesn't change, that their past choices don't have to define their future, and that help is real and available, whether that's professional support, pastoral guidance or communities like sobriety groups that offer encouragement and tools.

Speaker 1: 22:43

Parents, I don't want you to not have this conversation because you are afraid of what you might find out or afraid of this moment, because sometimes the most powerful conversations happen after a wrong turn, because that's when a young person is most open to hearing. You can start again, you can choose differently, and I absolutely believe in you. So, parents, here's my encouragement to you Don't let fear of hypocrisy silence you. Don't think that you have to be the cool parent. Don't believe the lie that drinking is just a part of the college experience. It absolutely, 100%, does not have to be. Now. I have no control over whether my kids end up choosing to drink or not drink, but I have given it all. I have told them and explained to them, and you know, sometimes they just have to learn from making their own choices. That's what you know. God gives us free will as well, but I don't want you to not say something just because you feel like it's pointless.

Speaker 1: 23:59

Your words matter, your honesty it matters. Your kids need to hear the truth about alcohol, even if you haven't modeled it perfectly. And when you have these conversations, just tailor them to your children's age, to their temperament. My middle schooler heard the same conversation. My older boys did, but he's the youngest of much older brothers and he is at a maturity level that he could understand what we were talking about and it was fine. That's just how we speak about this, but you know your child best, so speak in a way that fits them, because here's the bottom line being included doesn't mean being intoxicated. That's what we need to communicate to them.

Speaker 1: 24:55

Real belonging comes from being authentic. It comes from making choices that you can be proud of now and in the future, and then surrounding yourself with people who respect those choices. That goes for college students and, hey, that goes for us too. That goes for adults as well. So if this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who is sending their child to college. And again, if you have any, feel free to reach out to me. Maybe I'll do another episode where I answer a parent question.

Speaker 1: 25:32

Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend, who might also get value from it as well, and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer, visit my website, thecatholicsobrietycoachcom. Follow me on Instagram at thecatholicsobrietycoach. I look forward to speaking to you next time, and remember I am here for you, I am praying for you. You are not alone, thank you.