Ep 161: When Family Stress (or celebrations) Triggers the Urge to Drink

In this episode, I’m sharing something that came up in a recent coaching call inside the Sacred Sobriety Lab—because I know it’s not just one woman’s struggle.

When family dynamics and stress collide, alcohol can start to feel like the fastest “off switch.” Not because we love alcohol for alcohol’s sake, but because it offers relief. It works in the moment. And that’s why our brains keep going back to it.

We talk about:

• Why urges get louder when your nervous system is already activated
• What “wine chatter” is and how it takes up so much mental real estate
• Why white-knuckling makes it harder (not easier)
• Two grounding questions that change everything: What am I feeling? What do I need?
• How to prepare for family gatherings and stressful situations ahead of time
• Gentle ways to calm your nervous system without using alcohol as the off switch

This episode is especially for you if you’ve ever thought:
 “I don’t even want to drink this much anymore… but it’s taking up too much space in my head.”

 I just rebuilt my Sacred Sobriety Kickstart — new content, new structure, all built on the four pillars I actually coach from. Five free days to get real clarity on your "why," your triggers, and the tools to stop white-knuckling it. Click the link to sign up!

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Transcript

 Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christie Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

 hello everybody and welcome back to the podcast. Today we are going to talk about what happens. When you are in family situations and you have decided to reduce or eliminate alcohol, and the reason that I'm bringing this up is because , it comes up with my clients all the time, and the women that I work with in my lab and my programs.

And because honestly, family stuff has a way of just hitting us differently than any other type of stress that we could encounter.

And then when you add that stress on top of something else, like incredibly stressful, that can come up in these family situations like health issues and other things. Suddenly maybe you've been going along and doing things fine, but you find yourself tempted and. You think, how do I get through this? How am I possibly going to cope in this situation?

And the first thing that so many of us think about is alcohol. Not because we're like, oh my gosh, I just love alcohol so much. But because of , what we think it gives to us. So it's not even about wanting alcohol for alcohol's sake. It's about that feeling that you think that you're going to get when you have it.

That relief, that off switch, it's that thing that, you know, it just blurs the edges a little bit and it helps you feel better for a time. It, it does help. Now, it doesn't help in the long run, but it definitely helps for time and that's why we keep going back to it over and over again because it works.

And if it didn't work, it'd be like a no brainer, right? If it was neutral, if alcohol was this neutral thing or it didn't work at all, you'd be like, oh, nevermind. It's not working. I'm gonna find something else. But again, it does work. It works in the short term,

and then in the long term, it causes other problems, right? But in the moment it's relief and your brain knows it. So if you've ever felt that tug during a stressful family situation. Toward alcohol. Then I want you to know that it's not just you. You're not crazy. You're not the only one.

Many, many women encounter this. Your brain is just doing what it's learned to do. It's that cue craving reward cycle. The key is stress. The craving is for, you know, alcohol because. It's going to give you that reward of relief.

So the reason why I'm talking about this now is because it came up in my sacred sobriety lab a few weeks ago, and I remember thinking Christy like. Earmark this because this is something you hear over and over again and you haven't talked about on the podcast before, and it's definitely important enough to do that because it's not just one person.

Those family dynamics plus stress, plus pressure, plus being emotionally activated or triggered.

And then you are trying to make a decision about alcohol when your nervous system is already going haywire. And then what happens is we beat ourselves up. We're like, why can't I get this? Why can't I stick to my goals? And then you start white knuckling it. You just start to will yourself not to want it.

Honestly, it just makes things so much harder, or digging your nails and your palms, just willing yourself not to, and I don't want you to have to do that anymore. So today we are gonna talk about first, what's actually happening when you get triggered, why your brain goes to alcohol first, and then I'm gonna talk to you about how to respond in a gentle way, not forceful, not shammy, but in a gentle way.

And then also what you can do before the big stressful moment hits.

Okay, so here's what happens. You're stressed. Your nervous system is activated. Your brain is not like, Hmm, I wonder what would be the best long-term solution for me right now. You don't have time for that. I ain't nobody got time for that.

You don't have time to sit down and think, what should I do next? You are just trying to get through it. And when your nervous system is activated, your brain goes to what? It goes to what's familiar. It goes to what's quick. It goes to what's worked before it's been wired that way. So if alcohol has become the thing that gives you relief.

It makes sense that your brain is going to offer it because it just wants you comfortable. It doesn't mean that you're weak, it just means that it's a learned thing. And the great news is you can learn a different way. But the problem is when we're already stressed and then we add this layer of like.

Bullying ourselves, essentially like, why can't you do this? Why can't you get it together? Then it just turns into like this pressure cooker, and that's when you just start white knuckling it. And like I said before, that is not gonna work for you. I mean, I guess it could work for a little bit, but it's hard.

It's exhausting. So the first thing I just wanna tell you. Give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself because trying to go in attack mode in this moment while you're dealing with the family dynamics and the stress can feel impossible. So it's kind of like this. If you've ever had a pinched nerve in your neck, oh my gosh, doesn't that hurt so bad?

And it doesn't get better because every time you turn, you feel that pain and then you tense up even more. And then you're trying to force yourself to relax. But that's just not really how it works. So you need to actually relax. And to do that, you might put some heat on it, you might take some ibuprofen, you might lay down.

What you're doing is you're trying to calm that inflammation, and that's what we're trying to do here. So the best way to do this is not just to rip the bandaid off and be all heroic in your very hardest moment. The best way is a gentle way and over time and making little changes. So when big things happen and they do.

It could be life threatening health situations, a family crisis, major stressors.

When those things happen, then you'll have already been building up the muscles so that you can deal with that without alcohol, and you'll already have other ways to cope. You're not gonna be having to figure it out in the moment because it's just like that pinched nerve in the moment. It's so painful and the more you just try to like.

Make it feel better or pretend it's not there. The worse it gets. So you have to actually take the time or have the time to take the time to settle that nervous system without alcohol. That's the goal.

So let's talk about wine chatter, because this is huge. This is what's going in the background noise in your head. This is going on, especially when we encounter these really difficult situations when we encounter, those things where we have used alcohol for any reason. Right? Whether it's to celebrate, that's a lot of things too, right?

With our families, we have the holidays and maybe have alcohol during the holidays or you know, maybe our family just likes to drink, you know, play games and drink and, and all of those types of things. So when you're trying to reduce or eliminate alcohol and. Those times come up when you would normally turn to alcohol, whether again, it's because of stress.

I've talked a lot about stress, but could be for other reasons too. Avoidance, um, just to kind of numb the edges because maybe some people like say things or do things that are a little grading, but you can take. Take them a little bit easier or, um, that's not really the word. You can, , you can tolerate them a little bit more when the edges are blurred a bit, right?

So then what that, what happens in those moments is wine chat. And wine chatter is that background noise in your head that takes up space. Now, if you don't like wine, it's alcohol chatter. It's beer, spirits, whatever your drink of choice. I just find that for whatever reason, wine is the thing that just kinda gets most of us.

So you're gonna have that wine chatter and it's gonna be, you're gonna hear things like, when can I have it? How much can I have? How can I have it? Should I have it? Did I have too much last night? Why can't I stick to my goals? Hmm. Am I gonna drink tonight? What will people think if I don't? And honestly, that takes up so much space.

It takes so much mental energy, and you don't even realize it until you realize it, until it's not there anymore, and then you're like, oh my gosh, this has been running in the background of my brain. And , that mental load is going to take its toll on you. It's like you have other things to think about, pray about and handle, and meanwhile, your brain is doing this, negotiating in the background about alcohol every single day.

So if you're noticing wine chatter, that's a really big moment of awareness and here's something that might surprise you. Even the fact that you are negotiating with yourself can be a win because if you are not at all negotiating, if you're not all at all pushing back, it usually means that it's.

Not a problem, or you don't really wanna address it, or you're not in that stage of willingness and you're not moving forward. You're just doing the thing without thinking about it.

So if you're noticing it and you're like, why am I thinking about this? So much. I want you to know that that awareness matters, but I also want you to respond to that awareness in gentleness and not shame, because shame is going to make that wine chatter louder.

Okay, so here's one of the most practical things that I recommend, and I said this on the call that I'm referencing, and I want you to use it too, and that is, in those situations, take a deep breath. In and out and . Invite the Lord in. And then I want you to ask yourself these two questions. What am I feeling and what do I need?

I, because you don't need alcohol, but you do need something. You are definitely needing something. So what is it? Is it quiet? Is it rest? Is it comfort? Is it reassurance? Is it support? Is it food? Like, are you hungry? Do you need to move? Do you need to get outside? Do you need to set a boundary with someone?

Do you need space? Do you need an alternative thing that helps you feel like you're celebrating without alcohol?

Most of the time you're not craving wine, you're craving relief. You're craving what it will give you. You're craving that emotion. You're craving, you know that thought. Of who you think you are when you have a glass of wine in your hand.

And the problem is that alcohol has become the shortcut to relief. So when you ask, what do I need? That's where you start rewiring things. That's where you start building up those muscles that start, that's where you start creating new plans and training your brain by saying, we are going to meet the need directly.

We're not gonna go to alcohol to do that.

Something else I recommend highly is breathing. So many of us walk around during the day. Taking these shallow breaths and breathing techniques are so good for helping us pause, reset our nervous system. And you know, this isn't just a woo woo idea, okay? This is actually helpful and can be done in a prayerful way because when your nervous system is activated.

Your body needs a signal that it's safe, so you pause and you pray. I like to put one hand on my chest and one hand on my stomach and breathe in as I ground my feet on the floor

and I inhale, and a lot of times I say, Jesus, I trusted you. And on the exhale I'll say, Jesus, I surrender this to you, or Jesus, I trust you On the inhale. Jesus, I praise you on the exhale. You can say whatever prayer that you want. Whatever it is that you, you feel in that moment, inhale with the Lord and exhale, whatever's not serving you anymore.

And as you're doing that, I also want you to pay attention to your jaw and make sure it's unclenched. Make sure to relax it and drop your shoulders and do this like 10 times or until you feel your body calmed,

and you don't have to do it perfectly. You're just taking a moment to try to interrupt the spiral. Sometimes the first win isn't like, I don't feel tempted at all. It's noticing that you are tempted and then pausing long enough to choose something else. That's really where the rewiring starts to happen.

That's really where you're starting to build up, momentum and a plan. I like to call 'em sober muscles. You know, you're building that up. Okay.

Now let's talk about the family dynamics part.

And it can be hard because.

Because it's one thing to deal with your own cravings, but like I alluded to before, it's a whole nother thing when people are pouring you a glass before you even have a chance to say, no thank you, because they don't even think to ask you in their mind they're saying, of course you're having one. It could be part of your, your family culture, your big gatherings, your celebrations, grief, surgery, whatever.

And it can be so hard because people are used to you drinking in a certain way. So we have to give them a little bit grace in that respect. Of course, they're gonna think she wants a glass, they're being hospitable, they're not really thinking. But when you say, wait, no, no, no. I've decided not to drink that much, or I don't really want a glass right now.

This is where planning is really the most powerful because if you plan before the event, and I know some things you can't plan for, but you can start to plan along the way, and then that can prepare you for when. Something comes up that you haven't encountered before. So try to plan before the event, especially if it is like a big gathering or celebrations or you know you're going to travel to help your mom because she's having surgery and you're gonna be caring for her.

Try to plan before you go that way you're not trying to figure it out when you're already in the situation. 'cause that's just really difficult. As I said before. So I want you to start thinking about these types of things, like what's my plan walking in? What am I going to drink instead? What am I gonna say if someone offers it?

And here's a hint. This is the easiest, the easiest thing you can say. No thank you. When we start trying to overexplain, sometimes that can leave us open to debate, but if you just say, no, thank you, and if they come back and, you know, say, what? You should have one, blah, blah, blah. Just, oh, no, no, thank you.

They, I mean, they can't really, there's not a lot they can say to that, so that's the easiest. But you can, you can have, you know, any comebacks that you want. Prepared. Also want you to ask, where can I take a break? If I'm feeling overwhelmed? What time am I leaving? And here's a really, really powerful one.

Who can I text if I'm struggling?

And I want you to know this too, because this is gonna come up. And we can sometimes feel defensive, but your decision not to drink will make some people uncomfortable. It just will. And you don't need to make yourself smaller or decide

not to, you know, go with your plan. Because you're worried about making someone else uncomfortable.

And I'll tell you, even if you say it in the kindest way, some people are just still gonna feel judged, and that many times oftentimes comes from a place of them questioning their own relationship with alcohol. So there's no perfect wording. I can't give you a perfect line that's going to make everybody feel comfortable with your decision.

It's just not possible. But what you can be is steady. You can be confident, and you can just say it simply. Like I said, no thank you. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm taking a break. Alcohol is not working for me right now. I am focused on my sleep and stress. You, I want you to hear this. You do not owe anyone a big explanation, especially in public, and if someone is asking for that in front of a bunch of people.

Then you can say, I would love to have that conversation with you later because it's really, really rude for them to put you on the spot in front of a bunch of people. So I'll just, I'll just add that there because that has come up as well.

Now another question that came up during, during that call is, um, that one woman noticed that as she was removing alcohol, she picked something else up. She was going more to food and sugar and. That's normal. Like sometimes when we take out one thing, something else is gonna show up. So maybe you were able to kinda set down alcohol, but you picked up more chocolate or scrolling or snacks or binge watching television.

And I just want to say that's not necessarily a problem right now. Sometimes it's your brain just trying to regulate while you're making. A big change in your patterns and your dopamine, right? So alcohol gives you a lot of dopamine and your brain is gonna be looking for that in other things, and so it will look for it in sugar or scrolling or snacks or you know, binge watching things as long as you are aware of it.

Then that's great because then you can look at what you're noticing and use the tools that you learn from detaching, from alcohol to detach from those things. Honestly. The things that I teach in my programs and that I talk about here, you can use for, you know, any type of disordered, detach disordered attachment that might come your way.

So that is a long-term win for you.

So zooming out a bit. This really does show how alcohol soaked our world is. It's used for everything, right? Sadness, happiness, stress, celebration, grief, vacations, holidays, dinners. The thoughts of, I deserve it. I can't do this. I need to relax. I need to feel something. I need to feel nothing. I need to turn my brain off.

And you don't fully see it until you start to step back. It's. Really like a veil starts to lift. And when it does, all of a sudden you'll have this thought like, oh, I see it now. And then you start to notice how much energy you've been expending around alcohol. You'll notice how much it's normalized, not just on TV and movies and.

In, you know, on Instagram and, and all of those places, but in your own family as well, you'll also notice how quickly people get weird when they notice you don't drink. Most people, I will say, most people don't care. They don't notice, they don't say anything but. There may be a few people that get a little weird when you're not drinking, and that's okay.

That's on them. That is on them, that is not on you.

You'll also start to see how many people are struggling quietly, and here's the most beautiful thing too, is when you are confident in your decision, not in a preachy way. Not in a judgy way, not trying to make people feel bad about their choices, but when you are authentically confident and sure in your decisions, people who are struggling will feel safe coming to you and asking in a whisper, how did you do it?

Please teach me. They will want to know, and this is the big blessing of it all. You can help them. We are not here to villainize alcohol or people. Everyone is responsible for themselves. We all make our own choices, and you're allowed to make your choices too without feeling like you have to explain everything.

You are allowed to ask yourself, is this taking more than it's giving? Then you're allowed to ask, what, what do I wanna do about it? And do those things. And if someone doesn't understand that, then that is on them and that, and that goes for spouses too. That's a whole nother podcast episode that I'm planning because this has been coming up a ton in the lab and in my programs so much lately.

So it doesn't matter if anyone else understands your decisions or support your decisions, what matters is that you do. And just know that God is with you in this journey, and he's going to give you the graces you need to keep going until you are free at whatever level that looks like for you.

So let's wrap this all up. I don't want you only trying to figure this out when something ginormous. Earth shattering happens. I want you to start with daily things that come up. This is where the real work happens. When you have a stressful day and the thought shows up, I need wine to turn my brain off.

I need something to calm down. I want to numb out. I want you to notice it and then respond with a pause, with a breath, with a prayer. And asking yourself those questions. What am I feeling and what do I need? And do it so gently with love over time and with the little things, because when the big things happen, then you're not starting from scratch.

You've already built this foundation that you can use. To cope, to calm your nervous system and to get through without alcohol.

So one more time before the next drink. I want you to pause. I want you to breathe. I want you to pray. And ask, what am I feeling and what do I need? You don't need alcohol, but you do need something,

and you can learn how to meet that need gently without alcohol. If you want extra help with it, you can grab my free five day Sacred Sobriety kickstart in the show notes below.

I will talk to you again next time.

 Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well, and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about.

The coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic sobriety coach.com. Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic Sobriety Coach. I look forward to speaking to you next. Time and remember, I am here for you. I am praying for you.