Mum's Mini Series: Embracing Community In Motherhood

Welcome to another episode of the Reconnect Sisterhood podcast, where we dive deep into the crucial theme of community within motherhood. In this instalment of the Mum Series, we reflect on the historical backdrop of communal living, drawing parallels with the contemporary reality where many mothers find themselves navigating parenthood in isolation.

Living in the vibrant city of London, we recognise the prevalence of mothers without immediate family support and stress the significance of cultivating a sense of community. Drawing from our experiences and professional background as a therapist, we discuss the importance of connecting with others during the early stages of motherhood.

Let's explore together the unique ability of women to share and normalise their experiences, fostering bonds that provide validation and support. Through anecdotes and insights, we'll delve into the benefits of antenatal groups, baby classes, and the value of reaching out to others during challenging moments.

Our discussion extends beyond the baby years, addressing the potential loneliness some mothers may encounter as their children grow older. We encourage continued communication and the sharing of experiences, rejecting the notion that mothers should have all the answers. We emphasise the potential impact on mental health and self-esteem when mothers keep their struggles to themselves.

In practical terms, we suggest various avenues for building connections, from joining baby clubs and classes to utilising apps designed for connecting mothers. We highlight the importance of simple gestures like saying hello in the playground and initiating conversations with fellow moms.

From navigating the challenges of early motherhood to finding a supportive community as children grow, we provide actionable advice and reassurance that mothers are not alone in their journey.

In our closing remarks, we underscore the significance of perseverance in building meaningful connections. We want to remind you that community support is a reciprocal experience, and by reaching out, mothers can find the understanding and camaraderie they seek.

Tune in to this episode of the Reconnect Sisterhood podcast for an insightful exploration of the power of community in motherhood, and discover practical tips for forging lasting connections with other mums.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Reconnect Sisterhood podcast. I'm your host Natalie McCandless and today we are going to be talking about mums. This is our mum series and we are going to be talking about community within mums. So this is something that I find  is absolutely crucial for most mums is a sense of community. 

Now  Back in the day, we would live in caves, we'd live in groups together, we would share things like the child care, the child rearing, um, and these days obviously we don't live like that and often, in my experience, a lot of people have moved away from the family communities and they're often on their own.

I know pretty much for, in London, This happens very, very frequently, where people are totally on their own, they don't have any family around them.  And so therefore, it's thinking about, well, how do you grow your community? Now this is something that I think women are really, really good at doing. 

Especially when we have things like antenatal groups. We tend to go along to those. We meet some friends there. We meet people who are in the same space as us. And it's so, so important because what it does is it normalizes what you're going through. It validates what you're going through. And also you have Kind of ready made friends that you can then lean on and rely on, especially if it's a first child, actually, if it's at any child, whether it's first, second, third, fourth, having people around you is actually essential to help you with your mental health, your wellbeing.

And like I said, there's just that really, really important validation.  So  in those early years, in those early moments, early months, weeks, days even. Being able to reach out is really important and I would always strongly encourage people to build those connections as much as possible. There's nothing worse than talking to a friend the following day and say, God, I was up from 2am to 4am  and I just felt really lost. I didn't, didn't have anyone to talk to and that friend saying, Oh God, so was I, I just didn't want to text anybody cause I didn't want to disturb the baby or those kinds of things.  It's about communicating those needs with friends and being able to communicate and say. Can I just message you, pop you a message, if you're up message me back, da da da da.

Those kind of things, it's really important. And things like baby classes, they are so so so invaluable to be able to meet people and once again get that sense of community, that sense of sharing. It doesn't mean that those people will necessarily be taking care of your child, but just having people around you to help you to also take care of you, to remind you of things, to Just to have that sense in sharing stories can be really, really important. 

And actually, in my experience as a therapist, for a lot of people, they may find that their births are Somewhat traumatic or difficult and being able to talk through the process being able to talk through what? They have felt and experience is actually one of the ways to help protect them from things like PTSD  Obviously always always always I have to caveat this and say if you are experiencing any mental health problems or any difficulties in terms of postnatal anxiety depression Please, please, please  contact your midwife, your GP, reach out and get some support.

 I've been there and done that.  I have had postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety and it can be extremely isolating. So what I want to do is  share with you that you're not alone,  that people will listen. And if those people don't listen, you need to talk to someone else. And there is no shame.

There's absolutely no shame in terms of managing your mental health and reaching out and getting some support.  So, okay. So that's obviously in terms of dealing with mental health, but dealing with day to day wellbeing, getting that sense of community is.  So in those early days, I mean, I was talking to someone today and actually saying, I remember being at a baby group and sharing some of the really difficult times, um, after birth, actually.

Uh, and I was kind of joking with this mom and, and. She had told me all of the stories about, you know, her level three tear and those kind of things and I remember listening with her and we laughed and we welled up and it was, it was so tricky and talking about, you know, the first, um, first poo afterwards after birth. 

Yeah, that still gives me shivers now and  having those conversations and being able to share that and then going. Oh gosh, I didn't even catch your name. And then after all of this really, really detailed personal information, then we're asking each other's names. It kind of makes me laugh. And I just think I can't imagine men being able to share in the same way.

I think this is something that is quite unique to women, obviously not all women, but most women that we can share in that way.  So.  How do we harness this? How do we make sure that we have that sense of community? Well, things like antenatal classes, they are so important to be able to try and build connections and friendships with people at the same stage as you in your pregnancy.

Obviously existing family, friendship groups are really, really important. But there's also things like meetup groups or there's  an app called Peanut. There's an app called Mush,  where you can go and you can kind of connect. It's kind of like a dating app for mums, which is fantastic. I actually met some really, really great people and people who have still, who are still my friends now from those apps six years ago. 

So those can work, and there are people in your local area as well. I would definitely also say go along to baby groups. Any sort of baby groups, toddler groups, go along to those.  See if you like them. Enjoy them with your baby, but also connect with other mums. It can feel a bit daunting sometimes. You kind of go in and you think, okay, there's loads of ready made friendships,  but often there isn't.

It's just those two people might have met the week before. Don't be afraid to go in and say hi. Also, use your kid a little bit. If your baby's crawling or moving or if you've forgotten a nappy or something like that, just turn to the next mum and Start a conversation, just say hi.  And just see where that goes as well.

And don't be afraid to ask someone if they want a coffee.  Honestly, hand on my heart nine times out of ten. Most people go, oh yes, yes, absolutely. Let's go grab a coffee together. I've been waiting for someone to say that, or I was a bit nervous to say it. Um, and ask people for their phone numbers as well. 

I know it can be daunting, but this support network is  It gives back as much as you give in. So as much as you give it.  You can also get it back as well. Uh, and I've generally found that most women are just really very supportive with each other and that, that we're all kind of feeling a little bit vulnerable, a little bit anxious and in the same boat. 

So I'd definitely go along to these baby groups. So that's one of the things that you can do. Try the apps, try the meetups as well. Also just in the playground.  If you're in the playground and you're pushing your kid on the swing and there is another mum next to you doing the same, say hello.  And I've had the most interesting conversations with people in the playground, just saying hello and just sharing and talking about kids and stuff.

 It can be easy to feel lonely when You are a mother  and it could be easy to get lost in your child's world, um, and just talking to your child. But there are people out there who  generally feel the same and generally need that connection with other mums. So I would definitely say to just say hello and see where it goes.

You'll get a vibe pretty quickly whether they want to talk or not. And if they don't, that's okay. It's not on you. That's probably something that's going on for them.  And I just want to fast forward a little bit because those baby years can often be quite  reasonably easy to make some friends because you're going through so much and there's lots of groups for you.

But what happens when  you go back to work? So you might return to work or your kids have gotten older and they're going to nursery or possibly going to school.  What I have noticed is that there is a whole range of women there who start to feel lonely again,  who start to shut down those conversations, who aren't sharing as much in terms of All the stuff that's going wrong and validating each other in that way.

And I think that that happens because we start to feel like we should know it.  You do not have to know it and actually a lot of the time those toddler years, child years are way more challenging because you've got another, you've got a kid saying no, or you've got a kid who's having tantrums or developmental changes, or  they just want to do their own thing.

There is so much that kind of goes on and we can feel really overwhelmed. They could be screaming the place down. Um, there's so much that could. happen and generally we could end up feeling overwhelmed. And instead of sharing kind of like we used to when we first had babies, we started to shut it all in and keep it all to ourselves. 

And what that does is it brings up lots of shame. It starts to make you doubt your identity, doubt  how, whether you can handle it,  doubt your, and. Chips away at your self esteem.  So it can really, really have a massive impact.  And I would encourage women to start talking about it. To  continue trying to make those friendships.

To talk to the other mums in the playground. To join some classes with their children. And have a chat with those other mums.  There is no shame in it. We don't all know it. And actually this is really tricky and I think sometimes when you connect with someone and say  something along the lines of, God, it's tough having a three year old, isn't it?

I don't know many people who would say, Oh no, it's easy.  But trying to keep that sense of community because often, especially at that age, Um,  And this is very London centric, I'm afraid, I've got to say it, but often people end up leaving London around that time because they move to the countryside or move somewhere else, they're at different stages, kind of preparing themselves ready for school. 

Um, I know this has happened to me as well. A lot of our friends left London,  went all around the world or, you know, to Surrey, um, and those kind of things. So actually meeting people again has felt quite challenging.  But one of the things that I've actually done that I found really good is that she joined a health club that is mainly for families and started talking to lots of other mums there and  it's been great really. 

Uh, so yes, so those are some practical things that you can definitely do. To give you that sense of community that you can join different clubs, you can join baby clubs, you can join lots of things.  But the biggest thing thing for me is thinking about sharing with other moms. It doesn't mean you have to lay it all out there, but just creating a connection. 

And you will nearly always find that someone will reciprocate that unless they can't,  but  that, 

but that could be really helpful.  So, this was meant to be a really short episode. It's turned into a bit longer than what I thought it was going to, but I guess also it's, it's different because you're talking about different ages as well and how we're communicating with each other. But I just want to really highlight the community is so important.

You are not on your own. You will find people out there who Support you who you can communicate with it's just a case of finding them and sometimes persevering  So that's it for today's episode. Take care of yourselves, and I will see you soon. Bye. Bye