Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
Balancing Boundaries: Prioritizing Self-Care in Family Dynamics
Can setting boundaries with family actually transform your mental health? Tune into this heartfelt episode of the Let that Shift Go podcast, where Lina and I unpack the emotional layers of establishing boundaries with those closest to us. Through a candid conversation sparked by the Skin Deep cards, we reflect on the pivotal moments that led us to prioritize self-care over familial expectations. Lina shares the courage it took to leave her nursing career, and we both reminisce about the carefree essence of childhood that sometimes gets lost under the weight of adult responsibilities.
Family gatherings and holidays often amplify the pressures of perfectionism, leaving us struggling to balance personal needs with external obligations. We explore practical strategies for maintaining authentic relationships without sacrificing well-being, such as identifying stressors and using journaling as a tool for clarity. Our discussion is rich with personal anecdotes and insights, offering guidance on how to communicate boundaries effectively and lovingly with family members, even when it feels challenging.
Navigating the digital age adds another layer, with the constant demand to be instantly available. This episode sheds light on why setting digital communication boundaries is essential for personal sanity and relationship health. We delve into the guilt associated with not responding immediately and provide tips on how to manage expectations, ensuring that personal space is respected. Join us as we challenge the norms and encourage a healthier, more balanced approach to family dynamics, empowering you to create the life you truly desire.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noelle.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. Do you want a first-class ticket to a guilt trip? Set a family boundary.
Speaker 2:You get yourself a ticket.
Speaker 1:Yeah to guilt, but first let's get into the Skin Deep cards. You want to go first? Sure, Okay. Ask away here we go.
Speaker 2:When were you most worried for me?
Speaker 1:Wow, actually, when you left nursing.
Speaker 2:Really, yeah. Oh, okay, tell me about that. You thought I'd gone crazy.
Speaker 1:I think you know you probably would have thought it was when you split with Armando.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But somehow I knew you were just a tough ass chick, so you were just kind of on your way, yeah. But when you decided to step away from nursing, I was nervous for you because I was also one of those people, because I hadn't, you know, really found my awareness officially kind of thing, and so when you were talking about that, I didn't know what it was all about and how much of a thing it is and really how much you were helping people. I didn't really see that part of it. And so I had already seen you you know what a jerk you are for being a flight nurse, saving literally saving people and you were going to step away from you know what, quite frankly, was like the top of your field, and so for you to step away I was really worried because I saw you have doubt and I wasn't used to seeing you have self-doubt. That was the first time.
Speaker 2:Wow, I didn't realize that. I mean, I was worried for me too. But yeah, I didn't realize that you were worried for me. But now, looking back at that time you didn't know really a lot about the path I was on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't know about the path you were on and the fact I'm used to leaning on you for that strength, that pillar, and to see you kind of shook a little bit Like I've seen you shook before, but in a way that you just weren't sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was taking a big leap of faith.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was total like a leap, and I was like, wow, that's so scary. So I was worried, maybe in ways because I want to make a similar, just step out of something that I'm in and into something different and what that's like.
Speaker 2:That makes sense, thank you. So my question is what's the one thing you used to love to do as a kid that you no longer do, and why I used well, let's see, I used to climb trees, like to the very tippy, tippy top of the tree and be that weird kid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I remember you at like Potomac Park, yeah.
Speaker 2:How'd she get up there? Yeah, so that's one thing I used to absolutely love to do and just like climb on like a ladder, you know, like pine trees were the best ones and I'd come down and I had sap all over me, all over your shirt In my hair and everything and I was like I don't care, yeah, but I would get to the very top of the tree and just look around and just sit up there.
Speaker 1:So that's something I and you don't do it anymore. Why?
Speaker 2:Well, because I can't Physical, we'll just leave it at Just physically. I don't see myself climbing up a tree like up to the very top of a tree. I'll sit in trees, sit next to trees.
Speaker 1:You like swings in trees.
Speaker 2:I love to swing in trees, all of that, but yeah, I'm probably not climbing up a tree, because now I'm like if I fall, it's not, you're not nine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're more grounded.
Speaker 2:I'm way more grounded now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, we'll accept that answer. I stay close to the ground. All right. Well, let's get into this topic here Setting boundaries with family. This is a really tricky topic out there because we have deep connections in family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you bring things up, you can bring up complex feelings when you need to set these boundaries Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but you're going to feel guilt fear shame, and that's just over trying to prioritize your own needs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so how do we balance the family ties with our mental health in a way that feels authentic?
Speaker 2:It's not easy, but I feel like more and more people are realizing that their mental health is pretty important.
Speaker 2:care for yourself in that way is sometimes to say no to things that are upsetting or kind of push you into a place of feeling overwhelmed or resentful, and so now we're getting to a place I think a lot of us are getting to a place where we're like we're not really doing that anymore.
Speaker 2:If I don't want to do something, or if I don't want to participate in something, it's going to actually cost me more to say yes than to just say I'm not comfortable with that. But I don't think we've all been taught ways to do that without feeling guilty or full of shame. So I think this is something where an important topic, because I think many of us are moving into the space of wanting to do that more, wanting to be more authentic about what we feel and what we want, but we're not sure how to navigate it because we didn't really see it modeled. So one of the quotes I love by Brene Brown is daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others, and that sums it pretty. That sums it up.
Speaker 1:It talks about self-love, yeah, and choosing happiness, choosing your happiness, and you know, making those choices.
Speaker 2:When, for the most part, we're praised for sacrificing our own happiness.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:For everyone else and that becomes like an award. Yeah, and my family dynamic.
Speaker 1:You know it was our kids really just had to go along with whatever we were doing, yeah, and they didn't really have a lot of say of like, oh, I want to go play this or that, or we were just busy doing our thing. So I think they just got caught up into what we wanted to do and our values, yeah, but it wasn't until they started speaking up and saying, oh, I want to spend time with my friends or I want to try football. Then it was like oh, we got to make time for these things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that's why, you know, it's really challenging to set boundaries with family, because the family is often where we first learned about our relationships, acceptance and Cultural expectations Love yeah. It's deeply rooted in our psychology, so it's making boundaries often feels like you're betraying oh yeah, You're betraying your family or you're betraying your loved ones. Whoever it is, is that you feel like it's a form of betrayal?
Speaker 1:Because you're not what like.
Speaker 2:Doing what they want to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and to make them happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not just going with this collectivism, you're kind of like going on an individual.
Speaker 1:But there's always that I feel like in a family, there's always the one kid that doesn't want to go. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that kid was just speaking up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know the black sheep usually is the one that sets change right. Yeah, cultural change right.
Speaker 2:But then the black sheep is the one who gets talked about. It's like or you, you know you didn't want to do something, so you just didn't do it, but that was always looked down upon and so you kind of saw that in someone and they did it yeah, we would look at.
Speaker 1:You know other siblings? Like oh, I wouldn't be that yeah now they're talking crap about them.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be them, yeah, you know. So you just kind of learn like that's not the way to do it. Only now we're realizing we are sacrificing our own mental health you know, in order to stay in that family dynamic. So you know, in many cultures family is considered the highest priority right and the concepts of loyalty and respect, they can discourage you from setting personal boundaries, can discourage you from setting personal boundaries. So maybe not so much, maybe less, in Western culture, but think about other.
Speaker 2:you know cultures where you would it would never even be heard of to say no to something that your mom or your grandmother or whoever wanted to do, and you know there's something to be said for it. Yeah, you want the people around you to be happy, but if it's at your own expense, your own mental health, then maybe it's time for a change. And you know, sometimes you got to go first.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, but that's it's not saying that it's easy, because we often feel an obligation to our family members and many of them have sacrificed for us and supported us. So you know, there may be just kind of this sense of guilt if you're wanting to say no to something. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then you add to that that you've probably taken on different roles in the family, like caretakers, the peacekeepers yeah. That, then it's like well, now I'm stepping out of a role, then who am I? So it's all you're just. It's a lot of being tangled up in things If you're the one that says well, I'm always the one here to help, or I'm always I always host. Right, that was that's something too. I always host everything. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you're kind of known for that and I remember you know way back I felt like that was me. Let me tell you that's when I learned about. My need for perfectionism was pretty deep, so you'd come over and the table would be set Like it would look like Martha Stewart.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness, I'd taken a dump in there you know. Well, you kind of set the tone for the rest of us. Well, I'm sorry To follow we all had to really like step up to that.
Speaker 2:Like do these? Are these the napkins we used last year? Because?
Speaker 1:no, it wasn't at that level.
Speaker 2:But I mean, you really did Color coordinated.
Speaker 1:Do you think that you put those expectations on yourself, though?
Speaker 2:I totally put those expectations on myself because I wanted things to look perfect. That's a whole nother set of issues that I had. But let me tell you, behind the scenes there was so much stress and I was probably pretty mean to my family, like before the party started.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your immediate family.
Speaker 2:Yes, the people that were my children and my husband. Like it was, there was just like.
Speaker 1:Is that why there was tears when we showed up? Probably I thought they were happy to see me.
Speaker 2:No, probably. It was probably like, oh my gosh, mom's doing that thing again and you know it, just so it would look a certain way, or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean and I'm laughing at you only because I was the same way with going on trips and like if we're going, I was always expected to kind of get the trailer ready, get the toys or whatever, the boat, the buggies, all that stuff. It felt like a lot of pressure and I was doing it all myself but at the expense of others. I think, yeah, and you know those things. I think you have to find a place where you find the balance to your loyalty or to your mental health, to your own things that you need to get done.
Speaker 2:But we make it an either or. So it's not like I can host a nice family gathering and take care of myself in that and still provide a place for family to come and have a good time and it'd be fine. Like we think we have to do one or the other. I have to completely sacrifice, make it look this way, make it perfect, because I'm living up to some weird standard in my head at the expense of myself.
Speaker 1:Now I'm exhausted or maybe I feel resentful, whatever that is so how do we start setting boundaries that actually stick and don't leave us feeling like we've done something wrong? How do you break that down?
Speaker 2:I think the first part. You have to identify what your needs are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to recognize.
Speaker 2:What do you need to feel safe To?
Speaker 1:feel safe, yeah, respected and comfortable within your family relationships. Yeah, you got to voice, that you got to have. You know, find your voice.
Speaker 2:Well, and hopefully you don't get to a breaking point. You know where you're just like. I just can't, I don't want to, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 2:Or I can't be in a conversation with this person anymore or whatever that is. It's like really recognizing what is it that I need. In order to not make this an either or so one of the things I would say is to journal about it, right, because sometimes just journaling about it or talking about it with someone you trust, you can start to kind of move that energy and really pick out what is there and what's important to you.
Speaker 1:What do you want? What's consistently there? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's just make a list of situations that consistently cause you stress or make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it just starts with that. Maybe, doing that, you can recognize what are the situations that make you feel stressed out.
Speaker 1:Choose your battles, in a way kind of recognizing those things and seeing where you speak up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think there's going to be a period of choosing your battles, because I think you have to look at like, especially if you're first doing this, first moving into that space of being able to be authentic to yourself is sometimes just starting small, you know, with something until you get a little bit more comfortable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we say that a lot. You start with something small and work into the bigger things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, start with something small, but first realize what is it that's stressing you out. You know so, for example, with the holidays coming, does it stress you out? I know for Armando and I when we were younger and we had, you know, small kids and we each have families younger and we had small kids and we each have families and actually I remember every holiday.
Speaker 2:We would probably argue on the way to the family gathering right If we weren't hosting it, because we both have parents and our parents were divorced, so sometimes we'd see one here and one there and then we'd have to go see his family.
Speaker 2:Splitting time Splitting time and you're just it's stressful getting from one place to another, and Christmas didn't always feel that merry when you're doing that, or Thanksgiving, and so really we had to come to a place where we recognize like, actually this is a big point of stress, and if the main thing that we wanted to accomplish was for our kids to feel happy and for us to feel happy together and enjoy each other's company, this can't continue. Like something's got to give yeah. Or they're rushing around.
Speaker 1:You know being on the road and the kids are tired Just being able to say no, like we can only make it to this place or that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then here comes guilt and shame, you know, and not wanting to disappoint anyone.
Speaker 1:It goes back to your quote.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So how do you? How do you do that? And you know I'm not going to be the one to tell you this is how you do that, but I think recognizing that it's a stress point if it is is maybe coming up with some other solutions. The hard part is then communicating that in a way that feels still loving, and I think that if you're clear about why it is you're doing what you're doing and you can get to a neutral place in yourself, meaning it's not charged. You're not in the moment of trying to rush from that one place to the other, but maybe before all that happens is just to say this is what I need. It's really stressful for us to go from one place to another in such a rush.
Speaker 1:And doing that writing may ease the way that you have that conversation. It's almost like having a first, second and third draft of what conversations you need to have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think in the beginning, when you're first practicing setting healthy boundaries, that maybe writing them out and practicing them with your significant other or friend or, like I said, somebody you trust, is probably a good way.
Speaker 2:But in the moment, hopefully, you're just in a neutral place where you can just say this is what I need and why and be okay with whatever the response is. That's part of it, because you don't get to choose the response of the person that you're communicating that with. But if you know why you're doing it, then it'll help you to kind of stay true to so identifying them is the critical part. Yeah.
Speaker 1:The big start.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then when you talk about communicating it, it's calmly and kindly, you know so. Clear language, direct language. The more you're trying to give too many details about it, it's like you're trying to convince yourself. It's just clear, concise, it's just focus on what your needs are, rather than blaming anyone else.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's like this is what I need. I need, you know like, for example, with the rushing around from house to house is just, you know, we really need the kids to feel rested and that we feel happy to be together. We're not all kind of yelling at each other, rushing each other everywhere because that doesn't really feel good to us or to them. Instead of, as opposed to blaming Like you know, you want us to be here and they want us to be there it's like no, no, no, it's not about blaming the other people because that's going to put them on the defense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we only have so much time and we're just trying to make the best of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And those plans to make it yours.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, we just we don't think we're not going to be able to make it. Yeah, we'd love to, we'd love to us and I hope you understand yeah. And that's a super healthy way to communicate something like that. Yeah, you could. You know? I know this is important to you, but I need to take some time for myself right now. Or I appreciate how much you care, you know, about this, but this is what I need to do to I have to make my own decision on this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's important to me yeah.
Speaker 2:So just assertive communication, and that actually has been shown to improve relationships and reduce resentment, right? Because if you're going and you're resenting what you're doing, or if you're, you know, having a conversation and you don't want to be in it, that's going to get communicated in, you know, energetically, or just being able to be with someone like you don't really want to be here, do you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Family members are going to react you know, react negatively or protective of their own values, and it's important to know that's normal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 1:This is just part of the working through that dynamic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what could be your response to pushback? What would you think you could say?
Speaker 1:I understand this may feel different, but this is important to me. I hope you can respect that, yeah.
Speaker 2:Just saying it might be different, but it's important to me, so I hope that's okay with you.
Speaker 1:I think understanding we were talking a little bit about values and understanding people's, how people value things differently, is crucial in conflict. If you can take a moment to have compassion and look on the other side of what maybe they're valuing because I think a lot of it is they don't see they. Well, they don't. I want to spend time with me and then maybe this person's value is quality time you know, but you're you're trying to mind your own mental health and wellbeing and balance that.
Speaker 1:you know your own personal life and you can let them know because you can understand where their value is. So I think it's it's a helpful thing to just understand the other person's values and why, what may be triggering them about the resistance, the resistance to you, and just try to see it from their perspective.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that when we talk about moving into the observer of what's happening so if you're going into this conversation that's probably going to be kind of triggering for the person receiving it and maybe for yourself in their reaction is to try and just step back into a place of compassion or a place of just observing the conversation and being able to respond to that in a way that feels healthy or like that you're proud of your ability to respond to that, to the pushback you know and, like you said, like recognizing what their value is.
Speaker 2:Maybe their value is, you know, it's really important that we have you here. We miss you. Yeah. That is, and being able to acknowledge. I know that that's important to you, but this is something that it just feels like I can't give on this because it's important to me too. It's important to my family.
Speaker 1:Setting boundaries can create all kinds of emotions, especially guilt, right? Oh yeah, Especially guilt. So let's talk about how we stand firm without feeling like we're betraying our own family and ourselves. How do we do that without betraying ourselves or our family? Because I mean, sometimes when I set these boundaries, I feel selfish in some ways.
Speaker 1:And that's part of that cultural dynamics and some of the things that's just been handed down. You know that I think the obligations of you got to be there for family. We have to show up and all that. But you know, like you said, once families start to grow, like your daughters have grown, and have their they're married and have in-laws of their own.
Speaker 1:like they have that same choice, not to, you know, to try to choose between here you and Armando or somewhere else, and you know you being on the other side of that helps because you've been there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that was one thing Armando and I really decided, once our kids had significant others Was like you know what we don't want to do to them, what we did to ourselves when they were younger, and so we tried to make it where we understand you're going to go be with family. You just tell us you know where you're going to be, and we can work around that.
Speaker 2:Or then we would, or we would plan like a trip, you know, during, like the day after Thanksgiving. We'd all go away together and be able to just have that time and be like no obligation to see us on Christmas, no obligation actually to see us on Thanksgiving. We'll just have this time that's set together, because the goal of the holiday sometimes is just to be together right, because that's the only time, but some of it comes from guilt.
Speaker 1:I mean, all that I hear, right, there is like a guilt from what you did. See what I mean. So trying to do it without putting the guilt on them because you felt it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we tried to remove the guilt that they would feel not coming to see us. But what happened is, and we planned these trips and then it became harder and harder for them to organize themselves to come, and we realized, whoa, now we just kind of transferred it onto that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something different.
Speaker 2:So it's like now, we, right now, we've kind of put that on hold because it's hard for everybody to travel with children and it's like you know what. We don't want to just transfer it to that. So why do? How do we figure out how to navigate this? Um, and I think, just being aware that it's that there is a possibility of them having to be rushed around and and for us to not, you know, we don't have to have it on that day, I think if the point is to just be together, it doesn't matter. Thanksgiving doesn't have to be on Thanksgiving. Just be together, it doesn't matter. Thanksgiving doesn't have to be on Thanksgiving, it can be on a different day. Christmas can be celebrated on a different day that coordinates with their other family obligations.
Speaker 1:When everybody's there yeah.
Speaker 2:But the key is for us not to take it personal, that they want to go do something else and not rush around and tire themselves out or any of that. And right now we're just focusing on holiday plans, but this applies to many different things, because we talked about like there are with boundaries, it's not just the holidays right.
Speaker 2:Because that kind of goes with like time boundaries, but there are different kinds of boundaries that are identified. So one of them we got time boundaries. There's privacy boundaries, so the example would be I'm not ready to talk about that right now, but I'll share it with you when I'm comfortable. Ooh, that's a good one, and that's probably a hard one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think these should be printed out and left on the refrigerator so everybody's like, ooh, I got something to say back to that one.
Speaker 2:Yep, write these down.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's like if somebody is asking for a lot of personal information you know, or they expect you to share everything. So that would be, you know, just setting a privacy boundary to protect your own comfort level on discussing something, or maybe you're just not ready, but have you ever seen anybody model that for you growing up?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:No, it would just feel like you know what I'm just going to avoid. I'm not going at all, or I'm going to avoid that person who's always asking me for more information than I'm ready to give, but just being able to say I'm just not ready to talk about it right now. But I appreciate your concern. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk about it. Right now, but I appreciate your concern. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk about it, when I'm comfortable, and then like emotional boundaries.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I appreciate your advice, but I'd like to handle this my own way. Yeah, Ooh sting.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, sometimes it's just letting them figure it out because you know if it's a family dynamic, and say you're the parent you know yeah allowing them to have that space, but just you know, getting away from that positive, was it uh?
Speaker 2:uh, positive toxicity yeah, toxic, toxic positivity yeah, I'm guilty of that for sure. So that's just when you're getting. You're getting a lot of unsolicited advice you know it's like, I appreciate that, but I'm gonna I going to have to figure it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know it's not saying, you're not being defiant, you're not being argumentative, it's just thank you for that Financial boundaries. Okay. Right, I'm not ready to lend some money right now, but I can support you in other ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how else can I help? Yeah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, how about some time? Do you need me to help you with?
Speaker 1:something else? Do you need me to volunteer, or can I help you organize?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but money can be a really sensitive topic. It is Especially in families, yeah. So I think, though I think it's important to set clear boundaries when it comes to money and families. Yeah, because that prevents a lot of misunderstandings later and it just can complete a start like a fractured dynamic, you know. So, when at all possible, Avoid it.
Speaker 1:Avoid it yeah.
Speaker 2:Physical boundaries. With touch and, yeah, touch. You know. That's the thing I think now. What I think is really healthy now is I see a lot of parents that are teaching their children that you don't have to give everyone a hug.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, and that's not that was forced when I was a kid.
Speaker 2:Oh, go give uncle so-and-so and you're like-.
Speaker 1:Uncle and auntie a kiss and hug and I was like no, I don't want to. No.
Speaker 2:And it's like it's taking away their own sovereignty over their bodies. You know and I can see where a lot of like us old school people are like what a little doesn't want to you know, and they will like. It's like a critique, yeah, but actually it's such a healthy thing to be able to encourage your children.
Speaker 1:To have a choice.
Speaker 2:To have a choice and to say no, it's not okay. Yeah, you know, I think that's one of the healthiest things that we can teach kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I actually you know, our daughter did that with our grandkids and I was like, wow, she sang this song. I need my space, not right now, please. And I was like, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:She said it to me several times and I was like, oh yeah, and you know, it's up to this grown adult to realize it's not personal, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means they're exercising their own autonomy. Yeah, and isn't that a wonderful thing to do, to bring into adulthood?
Speaker 1:Well, if you're not, from the old school of, like you know, I am King.
Speaker 2:Well, if you're not, from the old school of. Like you know, I am king.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that I like that one. I don't know. I think, yeah, teach that one. Yeah, you young parents out there go with that, find that song, teach them the song Conversational boundaries. So this probably is an important one. Coming up around politics, you know, during family gatherings, and okay, so the example is, I'd rather not discuss politics during family gatherings, let's keep it light. Yeah, so you know that's. Or you can just shift, you know you don't need to participate in like just going down a rabbit hole and just being able to shift the conversation.
Speaker 1:Well, at a family gathering, it could you know, while two people can have a healthy discussion, it can definitely pull the vibe away from it can lead to conflict.
Speaker 2:It's just probably the last thing you want.
Speaker 1:It's election day soon and there's a lot of stuff going on and family. Recently I was at a party and my son and his uncle were having a discussion about politics and it just got deep and we were like-.
Speaker 2:It can get pretty heated. We got to go, we got to leave.
Speaker 1:We gave them an extra hour because they were having a discussion, but it was like, okay, now we gotta go, and that's some of the reason why and this was at a birthday party, a kid's birthday party. It's like, yeah, let's not do it Happy birthday. Yeah, let's save that for another time. Which they then switched to a different platform and they were able to have a healthier conversation that didn't pull everybody else in.
Speaker 2:I think at a family gathering, probably not the best idea. Yeah, Unless both people are willing to say I could be wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I could be wrong. Let me hear what you have to say. I'll consider that, because I could be wrong. Yeah, but you have to have both people willing to say that, because otherwise you're going to have a conflict.
Speaker 1:Well, I heard with that post we had or you posted on Serenity Cove about I could be wrong. If you can't say I could be wrong, then you'll never say I was wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you have to start somewhere. Yeah, absolutely. Another one is emotional support boundaries.
Speaker 1:Tell me about this one.
Speaker 2:Like you have people who just want to get together or call you and dump, you know, and I get that. I think that we should be there for people, but there's, you know, you're not always in a place to receive it. I remember hearing something about this group of friends. I think it was a group of men who would say do you have eight minutes? Oh yeah, we talked about that, talked about that and I just men who would say do you?
Speaker 1:have eight minutes, oh yeah. We talked about that.
Speaker 2:Talked about that, and I just love that because, like, do you have eight minutes? That told the friend hey, I know you really actually need some support, can you give me eight minutes? And it's like, yes, so now they're ready to receive. Whatever it is that's going on, but one of the examples is to respond is I care about you, but I'm not able to talk about this right now. Maybe we can revisit it later. And it's okay to have things that you need to do or things that you're attending to or that you're not always available.
Speaker 1:And you got to remind yourself of where you're at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, are you in a place In your?
Speaker 1:nervous system. Are you in a safe place to respond?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Are you able to respond healthy?
Speaker 2:And are you? Also? You talk about the roles. We talked about the roles that people take on. Have you taken on the role as I am the support person, I am the person that's always available? Okay, that's great if you feel good about that and it's not like kind of robbing you of your own ability to show up, you know. So I think that's really important to be able to recognize. And then the last one, before we move on, is digital communication boundaries. That's when people expect that you always have your phone on you. You know it's like why didn't you answer me? Why didn't you text me back? That's one that's like mm-mm. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I don't check my messages constantly, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can See. But some family members are like mom, auntie, whatever is calling, all the time. It's like how come you didn't pick up? Well, sometimes you can't, and so maybe it's just communicating the expectation or what can be expected, so that one that person doesn't feel like you are sliding them or you don't care but you're just being. But you've got to be honest, right, or else you're just going to go into it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because without that conversation of letting them know in that way, You're going to go into avoidance. You're going into avoidance and they're going to feel kind of like blocked out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And then you're going to feel guilty, you're going to get that one-way ticket on the guilt trip.
Speaker 1:And that's what we're trying to avoid here with setting boundaries, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, I think the thing we want to remind people of is it's okay if some families don't fully understand and agree with your boundaries, because that self-approval and respecting personal needs can come first.
Speaker 1:It's okay, start small.
Speaker 2:First recognize what your needs are and then just find ways to communicate that in a way that's kind and compassionate but direct. Yeah. I like it.
Speaker 1:All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel and I'm Lena.
Speaker 2:Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on insta at let that shift go, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.