Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
Conscious Uncoupling: Transforming Endings into New Beginnings
What if the end of a relationship could be a source of growth rather than pain? This episode invites you to explore the revolutionary concept of conscious uncoupling and its transformative impact on evolving relationships. We reflect on how this mindful approach can lead to more compassionate connections, starting with our own sibling dynamics. By engaging with skin-deep cards, we share personal stories that uncover the distinct perspectives siblings can hold due to changing parental roles. The discussion centers on the importance of empathy and open communication, encouraging listeners to embrace a mindset that lets go of fear and fosters curiosity in the face of life's transitions.
Learn how conscious uncoupling, a term championed by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, shifts our understanding of relationship endings. What was once seen as a highbrow term for breakups is now recognized as a valuable practice for completing relationships with dignity and intention. Listen as we recount personal experiences of navigating these transitions with clear communication and mutual respect, transforming endings into opportunities for new beginnings. This approach helps avoid the pitfalls of unresolved emotions, offering peace and closure instead of lingering pain.
Discover the keys to maintaining healthy dynamics during separations, particularly when children are involved. Through engaging anecdotes, we highlight the significance of self-care, forgiveness, and boundary-setting in fostering growth and stability. Whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even a familial bond, conscious uncoupling encourages us to honor past experiences while supporting all parties in moving forward. We delve into the emotional challenges of parting ways and underscore the importance of leaning on support systems and employing self-soothing tools, all while advocating for honesty and vulnerability in communication. Embrace the unexpected paths your relationships might take, understanding that not all are meant to last forever, and join us in transforming endings into meaningful chapters of growth.
Conscious uncoupling Notes
Here are some intentional communication statements inspired by Dr. John Gottman’s work, focusing on clear, respectful language that fosters understanding and minimizes conflict. These phrases can be used to communicate needs, set boundaries, and express feelings in a constructive way:
1. Start with “I” Statements
Gottman emphasizes using “I” statements rather than “you” statements to take responsibility for your feelings without placing blame. This helps prevent defensiveness.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed when conversations become too intense. Could we take a break and come back to this when we’re both calm?”
•Example: “I need some space to reflect. I’d appreciate it if we could check in again in a few days.”
2. Express Appreciation and Positive Intent
In difficult conversations, Gottman recommends expressing positive intentions to soften the tone and remind the other person of your mutual respect.
•Example: “I really appreciate the time we’ve spent together, and I want to make sure we’re both in a place of respect as we move forward.”
•Example: “I’m grateful for the good times we shared, and it’s important to me that we end things on a positive note.”
3. State Needs Clearly and Directly
Clear communication is essential in setting boundaries. Gottman suggests making requests in a gentle, straightforward way.
•Example: “I need some time to fo
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noelle.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it, and on this week's episode we're going to talk about conscious uncoupling, evolving your relationship with compassion.
Speaker 2:That'll be fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but first let's get into these skin deep cards. Okay, you want to go first, or me?
Speaker 2:You go first.
Speaker 1:Okay, my question is if you could go back in time and give yourself advice about our relationship what would it be and when and give yourself advice about our relationship.
Speaker 2:what would it be, and when? Oh man, it would have been way earlier and it would have been really asking you about, like, what was it like for you in our family? How was it like being my little brother? Or how was it growing up with mom? Or what was it like not living with dad?
Speaker 1:What's your story?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean because that's when the thing I we just took for granted that we knew each other's story and we understood each other's experience, and we absolutely did not.
Speaker 1:It's crazy how wrong we were, oh my gosh the assumptions that we made.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was shocking. You know, when I said the story. I've always told myself is this? Yeah, it was shocking. Yeah, you know, when I said the story I've always told myself is this?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you were like no, that's like I've gone 40 something years and that's been the story and it wasn't. And it was such a painful story to hold, yeah, and to realize like that it was unnecessary in some ways.
Speaker 1:Well, what's a realistic age to do that at? Because when you're a kid you're just not emotionally capable of processing all those things. You may not be aware of the depths of what's going on or why you are. It really takes time to kind of get to that place before you can acknowledge those things. And I think this younger generation now is much more capable. They're way more I don't know what you want to say woke or coherent and aware about these types of topics than we were growing up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this was not something ever brought up for us. It was really through our own pain. That's the only thing that really brought it out was being in our own pain. So I would say how old should you be today? Years old, that's how old you should be.
Speaker 2:So whatever year you are today. That's the day you should start asking your siblings like, hey, like, what was it like for you? You know, and you might be very surprised to find out, it was completely different than what you thought, completely different from your experience. Yeah, because our parents are different. When they have us, you know, they evolve also as human beings, and so when they had me and when they had you, and they were different people.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so we're being raised by different parents. Actually, you know they're in their own evolution. So, yeah, just don't take for granted that you know exactly what your siblings experience has been, and do so with compassion, noticing if you have judgment already, you know like, oh well, you had it so much better because you were the favorite.
Speaker 1:Yeah, see, there's a lot of that kind of thing, yeah.
Speaker 2:And in their mind they're like you think I was the favorite. So just have a conversation, you know, without judgment, with deep curiosity.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah so.
Speaker 1:Okay, I like that one.
Speaker 2:All right. My question is what do you think I should let go of, and why?
Speaker 1:Oh, what do you think? What do I think you should let go of? Hmm, I think your fear of doing things physically. You know, when we talked about a couple of weeks ago how you, you, you, you lack the ability to go first with physical things that are challenging.
Speaker 2:You used to you tell me now at 52 that I should just go. Well, it doesn't have to be the wild stuff. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:But I'm just thinking to some of that secondary trauma that we talked about from your flight nurse experience and seeing all that stuff and that made you afraid to do things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Just maybe working on letting that go, letting go of fear. Letting go of the fear of those things and keeping you from keeping you stay, making you stay small, I think in some ways, Shoot.
Speaker 2:I think it shouldn't just apply to the physical. Yeah, I think it should just be letting go of fear period.
Speaker 1:Well, you're pretty good. At the rest of those, Well, you're pretty good at the rest of those, but you know not always.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like putting myself out there and some I mean, this is, we're putting ourselves out here now. But it was, that was a process. Yeah, you know, I do secretly dream of being a hip hop dancer, and so maybe Still yeah, I still do. So maybe I let go of my fear of not being able to do that.
Speaker 1:Take a dance class.
Speaker 2:I'm looking for a hip hop dance instructor. If anybody would like to apply, please contact me. Private lessons first.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, let's get into this topic here. Okay, it's a topic that's often overlooked, but incredibly powerful. Yeah, conscious uncoupling is the idea that not every relationship is meant to last forever, and when it comes to an end, it doesn't have to be bitter or painful. In fact, in some endings can be positive, creating growth and space for something new.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when we've talked about conscious uncoupling, I have often thought of how Armando and I, how we broke up, how we were heading towards divorce, and how we'd gotten to that point where it's like you know what? You are no longer your best self with me, and I am not either. Who I am as a human being is making you sort of miserable, and vice versa. And so I think we just got to this point of like we weren't even fighting anymore. It was just like. You know, I love this person. I want them to be happy. I just don't think that I'm the person that can do that and I'm going to have to empty myself of me in order to do that for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so, in some ways, a lot of what we did was conscious and coupling, although we did not have like the intentional statements. You know that now we're seeing with John Gottman, you know, with all of their research and the research by. Is her name Catherine? Yeah, Catherine Woodward Thomas, and she authored Conscious and Coupling right research and the research by is her name Catherine? Yeah, Catherine Woodward Thomas, and she authored Conscious, Uncoupling, right? It wasn't something I'd ever heard of. In fact, the first time I heard of Conscious Uncoupling was with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Chris Martin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I was like what the heck is that?
Speaker 1:They were the ones that kind of you know, there were a celebrity couple that kind of bring it and popularity to it and it was like, oh God, what is she doing? Yeah, yeah. And I didn't pay too much attention to it. Back then it was just like this is some new way to be. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Like a bougie way of saying we broke up.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And now it's like it makes perfect sense. It was way ahead of its time, obviously, and there's just so much more to it than you know. A nice breakup, I mean. I think that there's some specific language to use and a way to approach, you know, the ending of a relationship, in whatever form it was. I mean, for Armando and I it was the ending of a relationship as it was.
Speaker 1:Well, in Conscious Uncoupling they talk about, it's something that was a new concept to me that just because a relationship comes to an end doesn't mean that it failed, Right, because it just it's coming to an end, yeah, and there's room for a new beginning. And I always thought, like any, if you're getting a divorce, you failed. Yeah, that's a big misnomer, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's one that stops us from really being able to move on in some ways right, because if you have this thing about like this means I failed, then you're taking it so personal and that is not a good way to kind of go into it. It may stop you from actually taking the steps and being able to step back and say is this the healthiest place for me or not? And how do I approach this?
Speaker 1:And it's important to understand that it doesn't always lead to a divorce. In some cases yours that that portion of your relationship came to an end and something new had to grow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and it reminds me of the statement by Catherine where she said when you know how to consciously encouple, you know how to complete a relationship in a way that leaves you feeling whole rather than broken. Yeah, and I would say that with Armando and I, there was, I think, a big piece of me that I actually felt more authentic to myself in taking that step, even though I was terrified and we both were.
Speaker 2:It was kind of like I was broken in the relationship we both were, we were like two broken people trying to just bump into each other constantly and honestly, that was our best hope at becoming whole is to become, you know, whole in ourselves, you know. So that really led to really the relationship we have now. Whether or not we would have gotten back together or not, at least we were ending it in a way that we were both caring for each other. And so that's when we were looking at this subject, I was like who do I know that has done it? And it was like I feel like we did that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was trying to think of somebody. I was like man. I've seen so much of this. The nasty divorces, bitter. Yeah, we grew up with those yeah.
Speaker 2:That's mostly what you see. Yeah, you know is just pain thrashing around, kind of, you know, throwing shame on each other, throwing shade on each other constantly, and really that's just coming from a place of pain.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I heard somebody say once any relationship that does not end in peace never ends. Say that again.
Speaker 1:Any relationship that does not end in peace never ends.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because there's a constant struggle, there's resentment, there's all these things that you never let go of and you can't move forward because you're holding.
Speaker 2:It's like you're tethered.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and some way you're holding onto that and you haven't let it go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense Like you don't. You don't give yourself a shot, you know, unless you can move away from it, from a place of neutrality somehow. I think that's one thing we talk about often on this podcast is getting to a place of being neutral. Like if you're going to approach any conversation, you've got to get yourself to a place where you feel neutral.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and becoming the observer.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, stepping back a little bit, stepping back from the situation, seeing yourself not exactly in it in a way that makes it feel so personal or, you know, just painful, and being able to look at, you know, in the in the concept of a relationship is both sides being able to see your side but also being able to see the other person's side from a place of non-attachment, where you're not making it mean something about you.
Speaker 1:That's the most difficult part not taking it personal. We say it all the time, but it's so difficult to separate yourself from that.
Speaker 2:Well, especially in close relationships.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know. So what do you think are some of the ways that the steps to a mindful separation Well, I mean what is conscious uncoupling.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Conscious uncoupling is a mindful approach to ending a relationship with respect and intention.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think it's about you know, having clear communication.
Speaker 2:And I think it's not about. It's about not about avoiding the pain, but choosing not to let the pain define the relationship or how it ends. So you're not going to be, it's not going to be, a pain-free thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But you know you can choose for the relationship not to end on that painful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you still need to honor what was shared, even though you're moving in separate directions. Yeah, and that's an important piece, because it's not. I think part of it is understanding that it's not a failure. It's just that this part of our relationship is coming to an end.
Speaker 2:I think that's the only way that you can allow for healing, for closure and for some way for it to benefit everybody who's involved. If you think about it's not just the two of you, like if you have children, what is the benefit of having two parents that are fighting or two parents that are talking badly about one another? That just damages the child.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know. So, if anything, if there was a reason, if you do have kids or you have, you know things like that family involved. This is one of the things that could probably greatly improve the quality of the relationship moving forward. You know whether or not you're together.
Speaker 1:And that's why Catherine Woodward she talked about it in her book, the reason why she came up with this, and she read many different books but she kind of put this together because she was going through a divorce.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And her and her husband really had their child in mind. In terms of that, she, or their daughter, was the most important thing, just to make sure that what they were doing didn't affect her, and so that was their intention, that was their motivation to begin this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good motivation. Think about how, when we were younger, when you're the child in the middle of two parents who are splitting, you often feel like this need to choose one side or the other, and I think the most healthy thing you can do is let that child. They don't need to do that, because neither of you is forcing them to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know that you respect their parent and vice versa. Now, this doesn't always apply. This is an abusive relationship or there's something really going on that it's not always possible to have two people who can come to the table as adults and act as an adult and speak intentionally, like we understand that is not always the case, but if you can get to a place with this person that you at one point loved and respected, like thinking about what brought you together and remembering that part, maybe it can build a bridge to you being able to find your way through to the other side of something you know coming to an end in the way that it is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, conscious uncoupling is a way to release resentment, transform negative energy and create positive closure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, positive closure, yeah. Positive closure, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1:I think if you're not dealing with those things they're just going to linger and you're going to have that resentment still building in that relationship. Of course you're not going to. If you were able to fix all of these things you would probably stay married. But at least having open communication between parents that doesn't affect the sibling I mean the kids, I should say um is the overall goal, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you never know, I mean, you know, with Armando and I, with our story, like we, we totally thought that was, it was the end. It was the end of the relationship as it was. I can tell you that that relationship that we had had to die as it existed in order for anything else to come, so it did leave a bridge that was still attainable because there was friendship and there was mutual respect and we had treated each other with respect.
Speaker 1:And you were supporting each other.
Speaker 2:We were supporting like literally supporting each other. I think I came over and decorated his apartment.
Speaker 1:Sounds like you yeah.
Speaker 2:I did. And then he came and painted my, my townhouse. Yeah, he charged me for it, by the way, but he did paint it.
Speaker 1:Hey, hopefully he gave you cost.
Speaker 2:He gave me cost, but it was still. I thought it was crazy too much. I was like are you kidding me? I would never pay that. And he's like this is what it costs. And so I did pay for it. But you know, you know, it was like a kindness we were doing for each other.
Speaker 1:That was an important step, though, to be honest and charge you because that you know what I mean. I think, that's a clear boundary of setting up things that don't push you backwards and build resentment. Charging for what? The time, the energy exchange.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it was no longer his responsibility, you know, but he was doing me a solid yeah, so I mean If you were adult enough to step away from the relationship, you also have to be adult enough to. Pay for your paint job.
Speaker 1:Pay for your paint job and release his obligation to do it For free. For free, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm no longer your wife.
Speaker 1:And you know this isn't only about I mean. It's directed more towards romantic relationships, but this type of method could be used for friendships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, any relationship, any relationship, yeah, anything. Where you formed a relationship and now you're seeing that it's probably in the best interest of both people or you know a group of people to let that come to an end.
Speaker 1:A respectful end.
Speaker 2:Respectful end, compassionate end, and be able to honor what it has been, but honor that you both, or you know whoever, whomever is involved, needs to move forward and to do that in a way that's supportive of all parties.
Speaker 1:I think I've. I can think of a couple of friendships that I've been able to kind of walk away with, and I still feel good about the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What we built or what we did together. Yeah, but we're not necessarily friends in this moment, but it was an extremely important time in my life, but that kind of we're just no longer friends anymore, but it was able to come to a respectful end.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's-.
Speaker 1:It's mutually kind of like yeah we're just not on the same wavelength or whatever it is.
Speaker 2:It's still hard, I think, uncomfortable. But I think the hard part or the uncomfortable part is if you feel like they're going to take it personal or you are, and at some point it's just being able to have compassion for both sides, like being able to see from the perspective of both sides.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and remembering that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some are for a season, some are for a reason.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, you say that a lot.
Speaker 2:Well, let's talk about some key steps to navigate a mindful, compassionate separation. Okay. So, whether you're ending a romantic relationship, friendship, shifting family dynamics, I mean, these steps can help you do it with grace and with healing. That's the goal, grace and healing. So the first one is open communication, so that is expressing your needs and your desires for the future, but you're not blaming the other person. It's like you make me feel this, therefore, or you are doing this. That's why I can't be in this anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, but just really. Instead, maybe you say I value the time we've shared, but I feel like it's time to move forward and it's gonna be in different ways, and I would love for us to support each other through this transition.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's important to set positive intentions for the separation, focus on mutual respect and personal growth rather than resentment.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you ain't getting anywhere. Focusing on resentment? No, I mean because if you're moving on, those are things that you gotta let go of.
Speaker 1:You gotta pick your battles here, because you're not doing this to solve every little infraction that you hold resentment towards. It's really focusing on the key things, yeah, and appreciating and honoring things that you have had.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I think it goes back to what you were saying about if you don't do this, the relationship never ends. Any relationship that does not end in peace never ends All right.
Speaker 2:So resentment does not equal peace.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that is never the path. You're going to be the one kind of holding onto that poison, drinking it, wishing the other person would get sick, type of thing. So nothing, you don't want to end with resentment and there's a lot of studies that show that these positive intentions and difficult conversations can help reduce the emotional tension you know, and increase the likelihood of having an amicable resolution.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So honoring shared experiences as well, just honoring the memories and experiences you've had in the relationship. I think that's a really important part. There's a reason why you chose to be in the relationship with this friend or with this partner. There's a reason why you chose to be in the relationship with this friend or with this partner, and I think there is space to be able to honor that. I think that leads, it's a way out of resentment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, both parties got to feel closure and respect. That's what you're trying to get Both parties. Both parties. There's no winners and losers.
Speaker 2:Celebrating the good times, like we said, transform the separation from feeling like a failure and instead it's a meaningful chapter in your life. There's always a reason why we go into relationship with people, and if you can harvest the lesson, that is kind of like it's like alchemy.
Speaker 1:Why is this happening for me?
Speaker 2:Why is this happening for me? Why did I meet you? What did I learn from being in this relationship with you, whether or not it was painful or whatever?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and usually you're asking this in the middle of the suck. Why yeah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know what, ending it can lead to a lot of guilt and sadness, anger. I think you have to really let you know, let yourself know, that those emotions are going to come up, leave space for that, because I think that's a natural process of something transitioning too. Yeah.
Speaker 1:This isn't about emotional bypassing.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, you got to acknowledge them as a part of the healing process. Yeah, there's, the only way out is through, oh, the healing process. Yeah, there's, the only way out is through. Oh yeah, and really realizing it doesn't make you a bad person, you know.
Speaker 1:No, it actually makes you a good person because you're being honest and you're helping the other person.
Speaker 2:You're honoring both your both of your yourself and the other person by being honest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's a good time to lean into your support system, you know.
Speaker 2:Friends, family, therapist.
Speaker 1:Therapist Yep and finding your own self-soothing tools.
Speaker 2:Not doom scrolling, though. Yeah, no, no, because just think if you start putting looking up breakups and all, then you're going to get more of that.
Speaker 1:The algorithms speak heavy when you're in a breakup for some reason.
Speaker 2:All you'll get is Billie Eilish on the radio.
Speaker 1:Oh man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the authors, john Gottman, that we talked about, he had a lot of great communication tools for being able to navigate, and one of the things when we were doing this is I, like, you know, I'm thinking, whenever I listen to something, and it's something that's striking a chord with me, like we're talking about ending relationships right now. I like to have real examples of how to do it, because I would say that, you know, speaking in this way to someone and being able to go, you know, let's consciously move through the ending of this relationship is not, it's not easy.
Speaker 2:And we don't always have the language.
Speaker 1:You got to do it in a way that doesn't create defensiveness because, that's what I'm guilty of. I always want to defend myself.
Speaker 2:Oh, boy yeah.
Speaker 1:And when I go into that, oh man, it's guilt and shame come up, you know. So, it's, I think, approaching it in a way that doesn't create that defensiveness.
Speaker 2:Well, he talks about softening your tone.
Speaker 1:I statements.
Speaker 2:I statements as opposed to you statements. I statements I love because you are having to take radical responsibility. Yeah, you know, for whatever your part in is it, part is in it, and as opposed to well, you're half responsible and I'm half responsible. Remember, I think we've talked about before that we each take a hundred percent responsibility. There is a path through right. If you can take responsibility for your involvement or how you have participated in the relationship, that actually leaves space for the other person to go all right, they're not blaming me. I'm not having to defend myself. How have I participated in this? And whether or not they do or not, I mean, you know, I think it's important for you as an individual to just take a hundred percent responsibility for your place in it. It doesn't mean that you are forgiving everything, every wrong that has happened, but you're taking responsibility for your part that actually can can leave space for the other person.
Speaker 1:It's a difficult place because you could have this conversation in your head like I'm afraid to be vulnerable in this space because if I say this, they're going to use it against me. So it's a I get that.
Speaker 2:I get that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well then you're going to go back and forth competing for it yeah.
Speaker 2:They're going to say, well, remember, you said it was your fault. Yeah, well, then you're going to go back and forth competing for it. They're going to say well, remember, you said it was your fault. Yeah, okay, that's not what I meant, totally, but okay, I can see how that was my fault, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say stay with the I statements for sure that making it about them is not the way through. You're not going to get peace with that. You're not coming with compassion and with the positive intention softening the tone. Some of the examples he gives are really good and so for those of you listening, you're like I don't know how am I going to speak like this? I think, in fact, in the show notes I'm going to try and include these statements just to kind of give people a scaffolding if they're having to have a difficult conversation. So one of them is expressing appreciation and positive intent, so an example can be. I really appreciate the time we've spent together and I want to make sure we're both in a place of respect as we move forward, right, so that's, I feel like that's. That's a neutral statement.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Another one is stating your needs clearly and directly. So you know, really concise, I need some time to focus on myself, so I'd like us to limit contact for a while. This doesn't change my respect for you, it's just what I need to feel balanced.
Speaker 1:That's actually. That's really that man. It doesn't put me on the defensiveness, it's just clearly stating what you need Clearly and directly Soften startup.
Speaker 2:I want to talk about how we're moving forward and how we can make this transition easier for both of us. Is this a good time to discuss it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, timing is key. So giving the other person some time to pull in that question and making sure they're prepared and that they don't feel kind of cornered, like you're putting them on the spot. Or making them defensive. It's got to be, you know, sometimes going for a walk or both people are moving, something like that.
Speaker 1:You got to be careful with that because you know having a conversation in passing where you're not focused on each other can be difficult. But I think going for a walk in nature kind of a thing and having a talk, yeah, intentionally going on that walk in order to have this talk yeah not just hey.
Speaker 2:So while we're out here at the park, blah, blah blah, blah, blah. The other one is focusing on solutions and not criticism. So I think that also goes back to the I versus you statements. But the example they give is to make the separation smooth. I think it's best if we each take some time to process independently. How does that feel to you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to really put a focus on moving forward rather than rehashing old problems, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like how, I like the. How does that feel to you, like checking in with them. You know how does that feel to you and that's opening space for feedback.
Speaker 1:And that's a conversation.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:Because there's a big difference between conversation and argument. The second that it moves from a conversation of questioning and being open, like this, like the question you asked. If it moves into an argument, then you just have a power struggle.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And you're rehashing old things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or you're trying to be right about something, instead of just opening up the conversation to hear the other perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:The other one is and we've talked about this before is validating their perspective. So that is, even if you don't, you know, fully agree, it's just acknowledging the other person's feelings and that prevents the escalation and can foster empathy.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we've talked about that often with the circling method.
Speaker 1:Yeah, foster empathy, and we've talked about that often with the circling method.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not acknowledging people's feelings is probably one of the most hurtful things you can do. Yeah, yeah, and you know, one of the main things we want as humans is to feel seen and heard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it goes towards that value system. You know about they. Sometimes I can feel as if, if I'm saying something that's important to me and they're not acknowledging it, it's letting me know that what's important to me is not important to them.
Speaker 2:Or it's conveying the message that it isn't just by not intentionally acknowledging that I just heard you, Because maybe your perception if I didn't say that I understood and I heard and is that what you said, can be you don't even care, this is not important to you. That might not be true, but if there's a way for us to intentionally communicate, and by this example, is to say you know, I understand what you said or is this what you said?
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:I heard is this, is that right? Or is this what you said? What I heard, is this Is that right? And being able to let them know you've received the message and sort of repeat it back and affirm that that's what you heard. I mean, I think in some ways we underestimate how valuable that is to us as individuals.
Speaker 2:In saying something and being like, yeah, that's what I said, Because then there isn't any misconception, like I don't value what you said, I'm telling you is that what you said here? Hey, I may not value what you said, but at least you know I heard you. I may not agree with you, but at least you know that I heard you. And the last one is offering reassurance and reaffirming respect. So, especially where boundaries are being set, you know, just offering reassurance that it can help maintain that sense of dignity and mutual understanding. So the example is please know that my decision to step back doesn't change the respect I have for what we shared. That's hard, but sometimes just having an example statement is like here's my scaffolding for this statement. This is what I want to convey. How can I say it in the way that is coming from me? But I like these examples because these are something that when I was moving through that process, maybe with Armando, some of these would have been really helpful to just be able to have conversation starters or enders.
Speaker 1:Well, because we weren't taught these types of communication skills. So, having this kind of type of scaffolding, like you said, is important to kind of set that structure and maybe even before you have the conversation, do some writing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, journaling.
Speaker 1:Write about what journaling, writing about what your intentions are. Have the conversation on paper first, without any intention of even giving it to them, Because I find myself having the rough draft at first and it's way too. It doesn't have as many.
Speaker 1:I statements as a lot of you and I'm just venting at that point, and then I'm able to whittle down and go what's important to me here. What battle am I trying to fight, what am I fighting for, and how can I do this in a way that maintains respect and grace for both of us, in a way that's fair for both of us?
Speaker 2:You know, what I like about what you just said is you know we've talked about alignment a lot in the past thoughts, words and actions lining up with whatever it is your goal is and let's say that somebody had the goal that this relationship is going to come to an end and what I want to feel is this I want them to feel heard. I want them to feel respected. I want them to feel that I'm doing this with compassion. I want myself to feel that I've been able to express fully and authentically. I want myself to feel that I've been able to express fully and authentically. That's what I want at the top right, or whatever that is for you. I want my child to feel safe in the presence of both of their parents.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, something like that. Whatever the element, finding the motivation to move into this conscious uncoupling space. What is?
Speaker 2:it that you want right to feel and then thoughts, words, actions need to line up with that. If the thoughts that you're having are not lining up with that, that's not the thought road you want to go down.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If the words that you're using are not leading you to that alignment of that goal.
Speaker 1:They're not for you.
Speaker 2:That's not what you're doing. Yeah, if the actions that you're taking are not leading to whatever that goal was that you had for yourself, then those are not it. So it's starting to redefine what are my thoughts, words and actions that are going to line up with this overall goal of how I want this relationship to be honored or to move forward. Be honored or, to you know, move forward. So I think I like that. I think that's. You know, alignment is something you can use pretty much on anything, but especially for something like this, these things all kind of go into, they hold hands with it, you know. Yeah, so, as we wrap up, respect and release, those are going to be the things to remember. It's a way to honor what was shared while allowing both people to grow, and the endings don't have to be painful, they can be transformative. Anything else, what about you? Do you have anything else you want to say?
Speaker 1:No, I just think that just keeping in mind that moving into a conscious uncoupling space doesn't mean that's the end, because you're a key example of that. You're the only example of anybody who's done conscious uncoupling that I know of, and the way that you guys move through it, you know gives should give a lot of people hope that it may be an end to that current relationship, but it without that end there's no room.
Speaker 2:For a beginning.
Speaker 1:For a beginning of a new relationship a new relationship that honors both of you more respectfully. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think one thing I want to mention too is the importance of self-care and forgiveness for yourself especially, you know, in moving through transitions with relationships, is really forgiving yourself, or whatever judgment you're giving yourself on why this happened or didn't happen, and forgiveness for the other person.
Speaker 2:You know, we're just, we're only human. We're souls on a journey and for some reason we've chosen to do this journey together, but it doesn't always end up the way that you expect it to and to be open to that. But self-care is a very important piece of that Remembering to feel all your feelings, to not run from them, because then you're just deferring payment, and to harvest, like I said, harvest all of the lessons, harvest everything that that relationship brought you, the learning it brought you, the love, honoring all of that, but at the same time, don't forget to care for yourself and love yourself. That's a big, big piece, and the call to action on this is just, you know, for those listening is to take a moment and reflect on your relationships, the relationships in your life that might benefit from evolving, and consider what changes or boundaries would bring you closer to peace and to growth.
Speaker 1:All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.