Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
Don't Let The Holidays Go To Shift! : The Art of Staying Calm
Ever found yourself dreading family gatherings during the holidays? You're not alone. Join us as we uncover the hidden dynamics that can turn festive seasons into battlegrounds of past grievances and clashing opinions. In this episode of Let that Shift Go, we sit down with Danny DeMaio, a talented musician and writer who shares his firsthand experiences of navigating the emotional minefield of family interactions. Discover how self-awareness and a dash of curiosity can transform these potentially explosive situations into opportunities for genuine connection.
What if staying calm in the face of challenging family conversations could be your superpower this holiday season? We explore practical strategies to help you do just that, offering techniques to defuse tension without compromising your values. Learn the art of asking insightful questions and validating others' views, creating a safe space for dialogue. By embracing the possibility of being wrong and letting go of the urge to control, we can foster more meaningful interactions and shift the focus from division to understanding.
Tired of the endless need to fix and be heard? We explore the liberating shift from being a fixer to embodying the role of a listener and observer. This transformation not only reduces stress but opens up new perspectives on family dynamics. With Danny's insights, we uncover how investing in self-awareness and emotional energy throughout the year can lighten the emotional load when the holidays roll around. Embrace the journey of personal growth and cultivate authentic connections by simply being present, compassionate, and open to the many ways family members are doing their best.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noelle.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it, and on this week's episode we're going to talk about not letting the holidays go to shift, trying to avoid those hard topics and tough conversations that create distance and drama.
Speaker 2:How do we navigate it? You're not alone. Many of us are having these thoughts and anxieties, you know about going into the holiday season, but today we have a very special guest on, Danny DeMaio.
Speaker 1:Danny DeMaio is here with us.
Speaker 2:He is a musician, he is a writer, he's also an amazing son-in-law to my daughter, tatiana. They happen to be visiting and we convinced him to come on our podcast today and talk about things that are alive for us, and so this was a hot topic and something I think many of us are navigating, and maybe something in here can be of help to you and at least let you know you're not alone. A lot of us are navigating difficult conversations and encounters during the holidays, as we're going into Thanksgiving this week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, holidays are here.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, and the holidays bring joy, but they also bring Uncle Joy's endless political rants. So let's be real Family gatherings can be a minefield of opposing opinions, unspoken resentments or just plain awkwardness. So we want to offer some tools to navigate these moments with curiosity and with self-awareness.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So let's get into this, because I think we all kind of as a whole, I think families tend to gather grains of sand of anger and resentment and save them for these big holiday parties at the end of the year and beat each other up with big, heavy sandbags. I think part of the thing is kind of thinking about those things that come up or any resentments that we have towards each other to lessen the fuel to maybe some of these topics. That may not even be the exact issue that we have with family members, but they tend to add some spice and less levity to these hard conversations or these topics that come up at these family situations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, danny, what do you think?
Speaker 3:I think that's first of all thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:It didn't take much convincing, but yeah, no, I think that's so true.
Speaker 3:It's very interesting the way she actually like explained like little grain, grains of salt, a sand, and then you put them in a bag because they've just like built up and then now it becomes like this weapon that families can use against each other. Yeah, uh, yeah, no, I mean, I have a lot of personal experience with it. Um, and it's interesting, like when you're a kid and you don't have any context for like what's happening in the adults lives of your family.
Speaker 3:Until you get to be like 16, 17, 18, you start to have like more recognition of how the family dynamics work. Yeah, so for that you're just like a kid playing with your cousins or whatever you're doing.
Speaker 3:But yeah, um, there's deep political divisions in my immediate family and family in general, like extended uh, and it's a whole spectrum. It's not just like the, you know, 10 people on this side and 10 people on this side. There's like everything in between. So people that are your allies sometimes on things are not your allies other times and you can't really depend on that.
Speaker 3:But yeah, especially now not being close proximity, us living out of state, and so we're coming here for mainly holidays. There's not like the buffer of the small, like, oh, let's just grab lunch, let's just grab.
Speaker 2:Like little opportunities to vent or opportunities to talk or connect on other things. Now it's like we're just seeing you right now.
Speaker 3:Totally, and the pressure of that is just like immense that I think the expectation is for certain family members. If it's not perfect, it's going to be a failure. And yet somehow, at the same time, in those moments, they find a way to make it more awkward, when they should just enjoy the moment.
Speaker 2:You think, like, because you're having this really need for it to be perfect, that it just makes it to where you're looking for. All the ways it's not.
Speaker 3:So much so.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I think that goes both ways yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like I'm probably doing that because I'm expecting the worst yeah. In those situations and that's.
Speaker 1:Do you think that adds to the dynamic coming in, feeling like something bad is going to happen? Yes, for sure.
Speaker 3:Like and yeah, I have to own like as that person. You have to own what your responsibility is in that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But also you have to remember you didn't do that on your own.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like you learned that.
Speaker 2:And that's a family dynamic. That's a family dynamic and that pressure to maintain harmony. But then you're also dealing with family dynamics.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's. You know the thing too. There was a. I remember seeing a post recently by Andrew Huberman and he did this experiment where he was like, okay, I want you to look around the room, or no, it was not Andrew Huberman, it was Tony Robbins. I want you to look around the room. Okay, now look around the room and I want you to notice anything everything that's blue. So you take a minute, you look around the room. You're like all right, everything that's blue. Okay, now close your eyes and tell me everything you saw that was red.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you, you can't find it. But if your mind is already going in, looking for all the things that are, there's the awkwardness, there's that comment that you made then your brain is like almost trained to just find it and look for it. And on both sides. You know where this is, where it's not perfect oh my gosh, that's where. So it's really looking at I mean maybe bringing some consciousness around how you're showing up, what are the things that you're anticipating negative, positive and how are you going to contribute to that. Then you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, that's I mean. I remember you told me that thought experiment before and it stuck with me. That's such an interesting and such an apt way of like looking at any problem, but especially like a challenge.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but like a challenge like even within your own family, because, yeah, I think when you, when you are able to stick to the more human moments yeah um, that are like removed from politics or social issues, or even just like the way you choose to live your life, and it's just like we, the things that we all do. Everyone has to go to the grocery store, everyone has to do these things and you're like connecting on just being a human being and being you know, like it's. Sometimes it can feel too mundane, but also that could be a way to like open up into things. Like a bridge, a bridge to things that like oh, you do that too, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Like finding the ways you connect rather than the ways that you're divided.
Speaker 3:Yes, yeah, yeah and uh, yeah, I don't know it's, it's, it's a constantly evolving like organism, like just family in general. So what was a cause of friction like the year before is now like it's hidden, or it's gone, or maybe it solved itself. But there's always things that you're having to. I don't know. Like it seems like maybe I'm probably a pretty defensive person, do you think so? I think I'm.
Speaker 3:I don't think like I'm not aggressive, no, and I'm pretty quiet, but like I am constantly thinking about all the scenarios that could happen and how I'm going to be able to navigate navigate them, and that probably does take away from, like some of the immediate joy of being with people that I don't necessarily feel always trustful of.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:So it's tricky, like I know that. That's like on me, you know.
Speaker 2:But like well, it's a learned, it's an adaptation right.
Speaker 1:I feel like my conversations go sideways when I end up trying to defend myself yeah like do you have an example of like something where like I don't know, like in in any of these scenarios where we have conversations with family, I feel like I'm almost on guard, so I'm perceiving things as attacks.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you're already looking for it. I have to defend myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like what you're saying, like look for the blue and look for the red. I'm already looking for the attacks and I'm just feeling on the defensive right away, and so when I'm responding, if I'm defending myself, I'm automatically getting myself deeper into trouble. Yeah, which I don't even think I should be defending most things when it comes to like these types of.
Speaker 2:It's like you're, it's like winning. You know you want to win that conversation, especially if you're trying to defend yourself. There's like I need to win this and instead of just understanding so that's the difference, you know, there's no curiosity Like I wonder well, why do you think that? Or why did you say that? You know, and that's you have, I think. But if you're looking for the ways that you're going to have to defend yourself, you're not in a position to be curious about what's happening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that's something like both, both of what you said, like that seems like something that I know inherently is something to do, like, for instance, like don't defend yourself, just like kind of like roll with whatever it is and also be curious. But I think it's easy.
Speaker 2:It's easy to say.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, totally.
Speaker 3:And I'm sure it's also easy for other people who are going through the same thing. It's like the moment and it happens in movies all the time, but I think it's a reflection of being a human being is you're in a conversation, someone says something that's offensive. You're so caught off guard that then you go home and you're in the shower and you're like I should have said this.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean? Oh man, yeah for sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so then the next, you're almost like looking forward to the next time that you're in that person's presence. Like, you're almost like looking forward to the next time that you're in that person's presence. You're preloaded, yeah, no, and I get into it like when, when someone really gets underneath my skin or someone that I really love especially, and I'm like why do? Why do we do this to each other? I like extra, we'll be on guard and be thinking about, like, if this gets brought up, this will be a good thing to say. When, in reality, to what you, especially what you just said, lena, like someone says something, being curious and saying why do you believe that? That is almost like the ultimate? This is a loaded word, trump card anyway. Yeah, oh, you're right. Yeah, I can see that. Just because you're like no, I'm curious. But I also am asking you now to now.
Speaker 3:You have to defend yourself why you would say something that is hurtful.
Speaker 2:That is loaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I kind of find like, because now they're defending, yes yeah.
Speaker 1:Sometimes some of these topics like getting back into trying to get a question answered sometimes you have to be okay with not knowing.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, getting back at it. But I think one of the things that I've used trying to get to know some of my family members or trying to get a closer relationship with them is just, instead of trying to get answers to the specific topic or why they did or didn't do something, really just getting to know who they are as a person, asking them more depth about, because most times we don't really know our family members in a way that really explains and gives context of maybe why they make the choices that they make. And I find, you know, rather than having a discussion or trying to convince somebody about why they needed to believe, like me, I'm more interested in finding out why they believe that the way they are, why are they the way they are? And usually, if we get some context and some of the tapestry of their life, how they grew up, that may lead us to understand their viewpoint better, as opposed to getting into this big political discussion or something like that?
Speaker 1:Does that make sense? There's more fruit on that tree. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think, listening to both of you, especially when, danny, when you said that's a loaded question, you're absolutely right, and especially if you're, you know, asking somebody about their political views, and it's like I can't wait to tell you why. And then you're like, dang, I was doing so good, I'm going to lose it and there's no opportunity to connect. So that's a hard one to navigate and maybe it's not. I don't need to know why you believe this or that, but it may be finding other. What is the intention for your like? Do you want to connect with them or do you want to find out more about why they believe this, about that, that you don't, and maybe that is going to be a loaded area that doesn't lead to any more positive. So if you're going into a family gathering and maybe you set an intention, like I really want to intend to just connect with people, connect with my family, and that probably won't include a discussion about this, especially right now with political views.
Speaker 1:Yeah, setting boundaries, that's it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:For yourself.
Speaker 2:Like, find the things like you were saying, like we both buy groceries, okay, but what are some other things that you like about them? Like what are they interested in? Ask them about what they're interested in and give them an opportunity to just talk about things that are positive. But it's going to take probably one at least one person in that conversation to be intentionally guiding the conversation into a place that leads to connection rather than division.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Right, yeah, someone has to start being that bigger person first.
Speaker 2:There's somebody that's got to be going conscious about it. Like going like this is what I'm doing. I really want to do that. I really want to ask questions or find ways to connect with them that are something that builds a bridge rather than burns it down.
Speaker 1:Right, we're supposed to be exchanging gifts, not sandbags, totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and not wanting to convince. I think that's a thing too like being, you know, on the offense or the defense. It's like do you feel like there's a need to convince someone of the way you believe versus them and that's never going to lead to somewhere positive, probably?
Speaker 3:yeah, you know and and I should not on thanksgiving no you know, when really the people just wanted to hang out and relax and have some turkey or whatever Whatever is the thing that you're eating. But yeah, it is such an interesting exploration of family. But at the same time I do feel like going with a positive intention obviously is going to be beneficial for everyone. I think the thing that still throws can throw the situation off and maybe y'all can jump in here and offer some context, but like from your own experiences.
Speaker 3:But you go with a positive intention and then someone is almost like on a war path and they ruffle feathers, almost like there always seems to be like an instigator and that can be like a really challenging thing when you're trying to be calm and you're trying to make the most of a situation, but you also can't get up and leave.
Speaker 2:Like you're trapped.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and of course you can get up and leave, but like it's Thanksgiving and there are reasons why we don't do that, but I think that's the most challenging thing for me.
Speaker 1:I look at it as like well, at least I'm not the asshole at this party. That's true. Somebody else stepped up. Someone's filled that role for today I don't have to be that, I can be quiet.
Speaker 3:I think this is about changing my perspective, because that's a really great point.
Speaker 2:I Great point. I'm always thinking I have to like come in and save the day, or something like that. Yeah, yeah, there's some suggestions, okay. So here's some tips for navigating hard conversations, and I think these are pretty good. Ask, don't argue, okay, obviously. But one of the ones I like is validate without agreeing, right, because that's one thing we all want. We all want to be validated Like. That's like a human need in some way, right, whether we're conscious of it or not. So validating without agreeing is just like. That can be as simple as I can see why that's important to you.
Speaker 3:I was actually. I was actually literally going to say what does that look like? I can see why.
Speaker 2:Yeah Right, I like practical tips.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So write these ones down. I can see why that's important to you. Yeah, you know there was. There was a Kyle Cease. He's one of these speakers and he did a whole holiday edition video series about going and visiting your family and he's a comedian and one of the things he suggested saying was I love that for you. But now it sounds kind of sarcastic. So, it's like maybe I don't know you that, but instead of like, yeah, I love that for you. I can see why that's important to you.
Speaker 3:I think for a certain generation it's sarcastic. So for most of the people I'm speaking to, that's perfect, because they won't know what it's with a bit of sarcasm. But I will know that it is.
Speaker 2:I can see why that's important to you. I love that for you. It doesn't mean that you agree, it just means you're kind of stopping that you know any avenue that's going to lead into negativity. The other one is stay regulated, you know. Regulate your nervous system, like. Go back, like we always talk about your breath, start to breathe in through your nose into your belly. Regulate your nervous system, let that little demon calm down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, checking in with yourself.
Speaker 2:Checking with yourself, check your breath.
Speaker 1:Make sure you ain't hangry Eat.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 3:That too.
Speaker 2:And then a simple mantra right Before you go in, when you're in the car, do a little breath regulation and get a mantra I don't need to control this, I can stay calm. Because is there a part of you that wants to control the conversation? You know, and being aware of that and thinking like I don't need to, this will cost me more, you know, to try to guide it and, like, convince you of my way, than to just say, yeah, I don't need to control this, I can just stay calm. That's actually my piece, that's my power right there. So maybe those simple terms like I can see why that's important to you.
Speaker 3:I'm going to take this.
Speaker 2:You're going to take all of them, or I like this one. Not every comment needs a response. Then just share the phrase you might be right, that's it. You know what you might be right. And then they're like what? I'm going to go get some mignog.
Speaker 1:You might be right. Well, if you can admit that you could, possibly you know I could be wrong. That's another thing I've heard people say, because if you can never admit in a relationship where you're trying to validate each other or give some space for that, being able to say I could be wrong, yeah. Gives that little bit of grace, because if you can't say I could be wrong, yeah, gives that little bit of grace, because if you can't say I could be wrong, you will never say I'm wrong yeah.
Speaker 1:And that leaves no room in a conversation. So for somebody to feel safe enough to move forward in the conversation.
Speaker 2:But you're going to have to put your ego down and check. Oh yeah, you know to say I could be wrong because you're like, but I know I'm not you know, but it's like what do you want? You got to go back to your intention. What do you? What is your intention for the connect, for the conversation? Is it connection? Is it peace? Because I could be wrong is leading you more to that than let me tell you why you're wrong, you know, or that's not right.
Speaker 2:I believe, that's, you're not going where you intended to go. So, coming back to an intention, before you go into the situation of like what when I leave here tonight, what do I want to feel? Right, right. And so every time you're going to start a conversation or enter into one, or end one is, is that leading me where I said I wanted to go?
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, that script is almost like if. If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner for five hours, it's almost like a five-hour meditation. It's like long-distance meditation, because you have to be so focused on what your ultimate goal is or what you're focused on.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:What is my role here today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right. What is my role here today?
Speaker 1:It's not the fixer.
Speaker 3:I mean, that's the thing. It should be the listener Right Right, and that thing is that's the thing it should be. The listener Right right, and the thing is that's such a shift, it is. For me is doing that.
Speaker 2:Not being the fixer.
Speaker 3:Not being the fixer and also having that intention like what am I here to do today? And sticking with that and that's such a.
Speaker 1:Maybe the goal for this year's. I can go into this year's Thanksgiving thinking this year I'm just going to be the listener, because I usually come in trying to be the fixer of things. So what if I went in with the total opposite goal of this year? I'm just going to go to listen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like, I'm just going to be the observer. Yeah, I'm just going to watch this crazy movie play out right in front of me and just notice it.
Speaker 1:I've been trying to cultivate the fucks given, but I haven't gotten any. So I'm going to cultivate the observer to maybe harvest some fucks to be given Right.
Speaker 3:No, I mean, and like that levity aside, like, really like I don't know why it is such and I won't speak for either one of you but why it is such a a knee jerk reaction for so many of us to to want to be heard or be the fixer or like or to be right about things instead of just listening. And I feel like I don't know if that's so many other people are talking in the room and you feel like you have to also be heard or something or whatever that is. But that's like there's no rule book that says you have to be so part of that.
Speaker 2:What do you think that is like for you? Do you feel like it brings up something old?
Speaker 3:oh, I'm sure I mean I yeah like I'm, I'm the, I'm the blood only child. But I have two step siblings and so, but I grew up with them for so long and I think like isn't it and there was, I don't? I never felt like not seen as a kid, but I think, getting older it's, it's the idea that I didn't grow up Like I'm still being treated the same as I was as a child. Yeah, and it's kind of like I'm not a kid anymore.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like, and uh, the old adage of like when you're my age, you'll think of the world this this way, and like that's never happened.
Speaker 2:And you're like guess what? I'm your age now and I still don't think of the world this way, exactly, and I need you to know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think that's exactly exactly it and I think that that's that's on me, that's my like, my ego getting me hear me exactly, and I think there is good reason for that. But to both of your points, I think you've made great points of like you don't, that's not your job to do that, like whether you say nothing at all at this or whether you are the asshole at the party.
Speaker 3:You're still going to be who you are when you walk out that door and it's over no one no one there is going to change you, and I think that yeah, just knowing that or or maybe not change you, but like this, you can be wrong, but your identity of whoever you are is not going to be different when you leave that place, uh, except for maybe being the jerk.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, it's like when I think about that and thinking about, okay, this, like younger version of you that was, like you know, told hey, when you're our age, then you'll know. And that's frustrating, especially for that kid you know, who's now not a kid anymore and doesn't think that way. And I need you to know this is like you know to maybe go back to that little kid and be like, hey, you know what, they're just doing the best they can. And you do know a lot and you'll know even more, and it's okay, they can, they can think whatever they want. It doesn't change who you are, You're smart, you're, you know all those things. Like what, what is that version of you need to hear? That you're not going to hear in that room? Yeah, so that when he shows up he's like yeah, I don't, really, it doesn't matter what you, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:What you think, Like I know that I'm smart, I know that I'm my opinion is worthy of being heard.
Speaker 3:Does it get easier?
Speaker 2:You know what it does. It just takes practice, and guess what Holidays are such a great time to practice. It's like going into like finals, you know. Yeah, all the tests are coming. You're like dang it, like, oh, I'm healed, I've been doing so much work. And then you go to the holidays and it's like, oh shit, I'm not. I still have so much work. But if you look at it like this is a classroom and you're going into this like high intensity lesson, how could you show up conscious and aware of what you're going to navigate and be going to do this different? But it also involves healing the parts of you that you know are showing up wounded and that then make us act in a way that, like adult us are not proud of. But it's like seven-year-old us is showing up. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to have that self-conviction of like I know who I am and what people whatever people's thoughts are at this table is not who, really not. Not me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah. It's almost none of my business what their thoughts are about who I am.
Speaker 3:Right, yeah, I mean, yeah, that's. I mean that's such a great quote and we've you know, and also, like I've spoken to Tatiana about this, but there's like also that other quotes. Like I've spoken to Tatiana about this, but there's like also that other quote. It's like why do you care that everyone likes you? You don't even like everyone, and I've told Tat this before. I'm like this is so true. I don't Like. Why do I feel like everyone has to like me?
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know or like I have to be heard or understood, and especially with family, like it becomes a tricky thing where, like because I think culture tells you that you are, you have to be the closest to them because they're your blood, and I think that, obviously, in an ideal situation, that's totally true. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's like the harmony, you have to keep harmony. You got to maintain this at all costs, but it's costing you.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's, I'm sure it's gotten easier without knowing it. It's kind of like you just build up your it's like building by tolerance to anything and you don't notice it because you're just building it up slowly. But yeah, that's why I asked you. I was like, does it get easier? But you guys you both have yeah.
Speaker 1:I think it's a constant Growing up in a house with emotionally unavailable parents kind of puts you on a path to trying to feel out situations and emotionally regulate your parents Like hypervigilance.
Speaker 1:Hypervigilance and you're trying to fix situations and you grow up into adulthood and now you're getting into these situations with these big family parties, big family parties. And if you're still operating in a sense where you're not having connection and vulnerable conversations and able to deal with things day to day without building up this sandbag full of things, if you're not able to kind of deal with the things over the months that lead up to these, by the end of the year you're going to come out with this huge sandbag full of stuff. So the reason why I think it gets easier is because over the time over this last couple of years at least for myself, my experience has been is the more open and upfront I am with myself, the easier things are At the end of the year because I haven't been building those things and not talking about them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not on overload?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not on overload and I haven't been waiting all year to have this conversation with this person, because I've been having them throughout the year.
Speaker 3:With that person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with whoever. Okay that for connection. But I think, because these are all these people that we're forced to be with, we choose those times to show our vulnerabilities, but sometimes that explodes in our face because we want to be heard. At these things and politics and all these things are going to come up and we may use those things as ways to feel heard, but that's not really the thing that needs- it's not going to lead to probably connection.
Speaker 2:It's not even the real issue.
Speaker 1:The issue is that we want to be heard and we're using politics to make that feel heard in some ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, right. Or we're kind of we tend to talk about things that are dramatic and this is one of the most dramatic topics right now, right, I mean, it's kind of we're all kind of wired that way. This we don't go. Hey, what'd you get the grocery store the other day? Or how's your dog? A lot of us are wired to kind of lead into the dramatic conversations because they're more exciting, but oftentimes for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 2:The other thing I would say is something that makes it easier not just holidays, but I would use this technique is thinking about we've probably talked about before like think of your energy. You think of the energy that you're spending and when you get up that morning, you get a wad of cash and that cash is the energy that you get to use for the entire day. That's it. Once you run out, you don't have any more, which literally you'll feel depleted, right? Is? You're going to go into this gathering and think all right, I only got 20 bucks of energy, so how much am I going to spend? On that comment, I think I'm about to give it like 50 cents, you know.
Speaker 2:So you get to decide what are you going to spend that energy on? Are you going to give it like all of it? You're going to just blow all of it in one conversation and then you're just completely out. You know it's to just be mindful. That's your most important currency is your energy. So how do you want to use it? But one of the ways that you're going to be able to do that is like think about if you're going to go and think about how much you're going to spend on something. You got to think about what. What was your intention in the first place? Like what you know, that intention of how you want that the conversations to go. Do you want them to lead to connection? Do you want to come out and feel good about how you reacted or didn't react, or how you, you know, made someone feel important?
Speaker 2:you know, and how you felt about yourself afterward. Those are the things. If you can set those intentions, then you know where you're going to spend your currency of your energy and just let that lead. You know each of those decisions with those conversations. But what do you think, what do you? How, what are the things you're, you're like, I don't know, moving into these the next few weeks of you know, the holidays is the things that you think will be useful to you to use to go into these situations?
Speaker 3:Literally everything you said. I like coming into this conversation like I, I knew like and like, uh, almost like intuitively, I knew the. I know these things are the way you navigate this, but like that's not how I've been wired of late. Yeah, and so hearing you both talk has been helpful, because it's like a reset of how to go into these situations, as opposed to just going in armored up like armored up like you're, just like yeah, how like I'll take your. You know I'll take your punches or whatever, and then I'll give them back and like that's not a way to go in no
Speaker 1:relationship anyway or walking in looking for that blue room or you know what I mean looking for the like for the red you're gonna find what you're looking for that blue room, or you know what I mean. Looking for the red. You're going to find what you're looking for If you're looking for conflict. You're going to find it. But if you're looking for connection, you can also find that.
Speaker 2:Yep, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Choose your battles what is?
Speaker 2:it. Remember that one phrase. I can see why that's important to you. I love that for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that for you. Yeah, I love that for you. I mean, you could literally put that that's like what you say at the end of every fortune cookie or something. You know what I mean? It's like you could put that at the end of any sentence that somebody says to you and they'll be like wow, they really are good listeners.
Speaker 3:Right, you become the empathetic person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're not absorbing anything. No, in fact, you're like look at it, I did so well, I'll definitely be talking to both of you afterwards.
Speaker 3:You don't have to agree with the person.
Speaker 1:You know, I think you know, understanding, but not agreeing is a thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because everybody has their own thoughts, wants and needs and everybody's doing their best with their own life experience and trying to do the best they can. And they're not necessarily against me, but for some reason I take these things personal when I go to these gatherings. But whatever these people do and say tells me nothing about me. It only tells me about them.
Speaker 2:It tells me about them, yes.
Speaker 1:And that's probably the biggest thing to take from it is that whatever these people are doing and saying is telling you more about what's going on with them, and that's an opportunity for you to learn and grow and have a connection and figure out what's going on.
Speaker 2:And maybe find some compassion. You know, for whatever it is they're going through Like, that must feel pretty miserable. Whatever that is going on over there, it has nothing to do with me. You know compassion. So, danny, anything else that you want to add?
Speaker 3:No thanks for having me on. Honestly, I feel like I actually reset and learned a few things that I either forgotten or are brand new to me.
Speaker 2:Maybe we'll recheck with Danny after the holidays and see how it went.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to have to do a follow-up episode part two how?
Speaker 3:this went. I'll tell you how many dollars I spent.
Speaker 2:You're like I'm out of 20s already.
Speaker 1:I got a five-hour gathering. I'm only using $10 per hour. How?
Speaker 2:am I going to make this last. You'll notice how you feel when you get home. You're like I still got energy. It's true, yeah, and if you do, then you know you did. Well, I still have some energy. I don't have to go right to bed.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I can always tell how tightly I'm gripping the steering wheel on the drive home. How quiet it is how quiet it is.
Speaker 2:All right. Well, for this holiday season, try letting go of the need to be right.
Speaker 3:Let that shift go and see what happens when you show up with curiosity instead.
Speaker 1:Perfect.
Speaker 2:All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift go podcast. I'm noelle and I'm lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on insta.