Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
Rediscovering Sibling Bonds with Aging Parents
Ever felt the weight of family expectations as your parents age? Join us, Noel and Lena, as we navigate the emotional labyrinth of family dynamics that come with aging parents and siblings. Our own personal journeys of relinquishing control, discovering grace, and facing the challenge of maintaining neutrality in a sea of alpha personalities offer an honest look into the trials we face and the growth we achieve. With a large, multi-generational family, our story might echo your own struggles, providing insights and reflections that resonate deeply.
We unravel the complex tapestry of sibling relationships, where old tensions often find new life. The dance of compassion and responsibility toward our parents becomes even more intricate as sibling rivalries resurface. These resurfacing conflicts remind us of the importance of open communication and emotional regulation—a fine balance between helping out and maintaining our sense of self. As we share our experiences, we also question how to manage these emotional challenges while striving for family unity and understanding.
In this heartfelt episode, we emphasize the need for setting healthy boundaries to preserve both financial and emotional well-being. We explore how acknowledging personal limits and fostering open communication can lead to fair contributions from family members, ensuring no one is left feeling depleted or overwhelmed. By embracing the power of listening over speaking, particularly with siblings, we aim to cultivate better relationships and collective effort. Join us in this episode, where we hope to inspire healthier, more supportive family dynamics and invite you to share your questions for future discussions.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. And on this week's episode, boundaries with aging parents and siblings. Yeah, it's pretty dicey something that we're currently navigating right now, and we thought you know we can't be the only family that goes through these very complex dynamics of caring for aging parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think you know, when we sat down tonight to talk about, like, what are we going to talk about on our podcast? And this is something we're definitely going through in the midst of going through it, and really one of the times where we don't really have it all figured out, we don't know the answers, but I think it's worth the discussion and just exploring. You know where that takes us emotionally on this journey with our parents and with ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, kind of joining the ride with us. Yeah, Because this is something that's current. You know that we're moving through and, like you said, we don't have all the answers, but we're researching and trying to make the best choices and stay neutral.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's not been easy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's definitely not been easy. Before we jump into the podcast, let's do the Skin Deep cards. Yeah, do you want to go first?
Speaker 2:or you want me to go first.
Speaker 1:Um you go first Okay, this is the family edition.
Speaker 2:So we've got all right.
Speaker 1:If you could change one thing about me, what would it be and why?
Speaker 2:Hmm, If I could change one thing about you, what would it be? And why? Um, this is a hard one? Uh, because I appreciate a lot of things about you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but there's got to be some things, even things that were from back in the past or something more, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I mean there were things I think I would have changed in the past, but I feel like you've changed those things. You know where it was like this hard push to be your way and if it wasn't, then you're sort of demeaned or the person was demeaned if you weren't doing it your way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's something that I work on constantly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that you definitely have changed that.
Speaker 1:I would say I've made some moves towards having more grace, working with people and allowing other people to have um a different a different viewpoint when I'm trying to, like you know, project manage. I think that's where it's most, because that's what I do for a living.
Speaker 2:So oh, you know what it may have felt like we were. I was a project to manage, you know, but not in a big sense, just like in little things. Yeah, you know, like that hike, that we went on and it was too dark and that didn't turn out well. But I think things like that I would have, like I wish I would want. It would have wanted to change that about you, but I think that you have made big changes there.
Speaker 1:You know it's probably one of my most heartfelt and desired changes within myself is to to have more grace and not not be pushed out of center so easily. Um, and being able to detach from conversations like these. You know about our parents and the hard ones, because I'm so emotionally attached to them and I have. There's so much um, there's so much texture to what is going on with my parents and the relationship that I've had with them and it does play into how does how I decide to show up, no matter how I look at it, it, just it it is. It has made me the person that I am and makes me make those choices. So being able to stay neutral in it is what I would like to do.
Speaker 2:It's not always easy when you're thrown off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so. So in a way this, this question, or your wish or something that I could change, kind of ties into this episode.
Speaker 2:So you know, now that you're saying that, I could say like having gone through this over the past couple of weeks few weeks is that I have seen you get thrown off center and so yeah, yeah, you have. Yeah, something to navigate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what's your question?
Speaker 1:My question is what's the most unique thing about our family? The most unique thing, I would say it's. This is just my opinion, of course, but I think that it is unusual for one single family. I know we have multiple moms and dads with multiple divorces and marriages, but I think the fact that we have so many alpha males and females in one sibling group is such. I think that's what makes this whole thing that we're doing now so difficult, because if you think about it and when I look at other of my friend groups their, you know brothers or siblings they have very, they have very few and we have a ton more than 10. You know what I mean. So the fact that there are probably more than half in some way in their lives are either an alpha male or alpha female.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I never thought about that.
Speaker 1:I think that's kind of-.
Speaker 2:I think there's so many waves of us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean the different generations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have different ages of siblings, and so where, if you, we may have been in one family or one sibling family it would be like, oh, there's three of you, and so where, if you, you know, we may have been in one family or one sibling family? It would be like, oh, there's three of you, and so one of you is this, one of you is that, one of you is the free spirit, one of you is the one in charge, you know. But in us we had like, okay, well, this was this group, okay, the next group also has that same, you know, diverse roles in their cohort.
Speaker 1:When you have 12 kids, it's almost. Who is the middle child?
Speaker 2:Everybody but the bookends.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so.
Speaker 1:I think that's something that's unique about our family. Okay, but let's jump into this topic. Like we said, the holidays are upon us and we all tend to reflect on family values and what we've done, and right now we happen to be navigating care for our father. Yeah, and we don't. When I say we, the siblings, don't necessarily all align with the same thoughts in terms of what needs to be done or how we do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that you know, in thinking about this as a podcast, what I realized is that there isn't really a lot of really good information out there about how to navigate this part. It's not just about, well, what do we do with dad that's not really what this podcast is about. Or what do we do with mom. It's all of the nuances that come up when you're in these discussions, and that's what I found in these discussions that we're having. It's not that any of us doesn't care about dad or doesn't want him to be living in the most safe way possible or the best have everything that he needs. None of us are on this page where we don't want that. Yeah, but we're all coming from a different perspective on what that is, and maybe even when you have a parent who's communicating different things to different siblings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's pretty key.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that tends to separate and divide us and give us all completely different perspectives. Yeah, and that tends to separate and divide us and give us all completely different perspectives. And also, what I've noticed too for myself is this kind of traversing the emotional landscape of the relationship with my dad. You know where, I thought a lot of things can lay dormant until you are in a situation where now you're feeling all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 2:You're feeling like, well, what kind of daughter am I, what kind of father is he and what is my responsibility? And actually pulling up a lot of the relationships with the siblings, where maybe things have been very calm and good and suddenly there's fire.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's one thing that really struck a chord with me is because, you know, lately we've been going through a lot of reconnecting with our siblings, that we live all over the country, kind of a thing, and so we don't always get to see each other very often or even communicate, but we have been more so, especially lately, and with this I felt a lot of tension and it was almost like a threat to that this is all going to come to an end. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I was like wait a minute. We're just coming together with love here and trying to help in the best way we can our parent, but we're getting to a place where it's almost like we can't talk to each other anymore because we're taking things personally to each other anymore. Because we're taking things personally and I don't know, I got the feeling as if I was being measured in terms of what kind of son I was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I found for myself I was even measuring myself or imagining that I was being measured, right, Because we don't know that like it's never been said, but I think we start to go into our own feelings, like, for me, I started to have you know. It was like looking at myself, like, well, am I a good daughter, because you know I don't want to do the same things that you know my other siblings do, or am I a good person? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or what. How far am I willing to go, whether it's into debt or into emotional debt. You know of trying to change someone's situation that may or may not follow through.
Speaker 1:Or want it.
Speaker 2:Or want it, and so it was just bringing up a lot of things that I had not really thought of and really being able to. I don't know. There's just like you're constantly traversing so many emotions You're in compassion, you're in guilt, you're in all of these different things and how do you hold all of those emotions all at once and be able to stay neutral?
Speaker 1:Well, I find it difficult for me specifically because growing up, I witnessed my stepdad and his siblings fight or have conflict over once their parents passed away, to the point where they don't even talk to anymore.
Speaker 1:And they passed away not talking to each other and the entire all the siblings blew up because they were who's going to pay for this and who's going to do this? And I was like why are they all fighting? And I didn't really understand it until now Because, like you said, dad tells each one of us different things and even though we experienced dad differently because we all got a different version of dad like dad was much younger when he parented us and a little bit older when he parented the other kids, and so they got a little bit different version but he still communicates to us individually different ways and our relationship with him dictates how we feel about those things or what we feel he needs. And so when we come together on a group forum, like we did on a group call, it was actually on a group forum. Like we did on on a group call, it was actually. It was disturbing to see how different we all thought about the same story.
Speaker 1:It was like passing, you know you tell the story and by the time you get to the in the room, it's totally different. It kind of felt like that Each one of us hadn't really talked to each other yet, but dad had been the only person telling it, each one of us different things. And then it was like what, what did you hear? I heard this and no, I didn't hear that. And we, we started to argue amongst each other At least I did I started to feel a lot of tension about um, that the, the way that I showed up over the, my life, um, helping dad wasn't enough or wasn't good enough or wasn't even recognized.
Speaker 1:And now, at this time, it was almost like I've never helped before and it was like I'm not really understanding this experience. You're talking to me as if I'm not willing to help dad, but this current circumstance it was a totally different scenario that I just didn't know how to approach, because somebody else helped was taking the initiative. It wasn't me this time. And when somebody else takes the initiative we talked about earlier, like I have a hard time letting go of control and project management.
Speaker 1:And so this I came from the guides of. It was almost like if I was at work and I was asked to come into and repair something that somebody had already messed up and I had to come and fix it, and I was like this is what I felt and that's my pet peeve I'd rather don't. If you hired somebody else to do it, just let them finish it, you know. But if I have to come in, I'd rather just hire me first because I want to do it right, and that's kind of the way.
Speaker 1:I know it's not necessarily the right mindset and it's a little bit too focused on that, but for me that is what I was feeling in that moment. So it made it very difficult to navigate because I couldn't pull away from that, I couldn't detach from the conversation in terms of emotionally.
Speaker 2:You know, what that brings up too is like responsibility, and that's what I was looking at was like what's compassion versus responsibility? You know, and I think that we all have compassion for where our parents are at, especially if you know your parents are in the later part of their lives and you're really having to look at these issues. It's something we haven't really dealt with before, you know, and there's a certain amount of like what do you feel you're responsible for and what you know? Does that mean that if you're not taking full responsibility for them or for their decisions, then are you discompassionate? And that's one thing I had to struggle with was like, if me not wanting to step in and take over his life in ways that he had not asked me to do, does that mean that I'm not a good daughter, you know? Does that mean that I don't?
Speaker 2:I don't have compassion for my dad, and I had to really step back and look at how to really step back and look at how you know, how am I contributing to this discord between siblings in a way that is like I was making it about me, you know, and really going whoa, whoa, whoa One. I'm a parent, I'm 52, I have grown children, and I thought to myself I would never want my kids to be in this situation that I'm in right now with my siblings. I would never want them to feel this way towards each other. And so it was like I was stepping into the feeling of my dad, like feeling how he would feel if he knew that this was what was happening, and also as the daughter.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it was like this weird observance of what's happening, and also as the daughter, so it was like this weird observance of what's happening and one looking at like man. I hope I never do this to my kids where you know I, I don't know, make plans for what my, my, you know later years will be, or set up situations so that they are not in a position where they're, you know, squabbling over who's going to do what and who's going to take responsibility for what. I would just never want to do that to my kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it reminds me of the statement that I constantly say, which is whatever battles you don't fight, your kids will, and so, because of choices, we're in a situation where we're having to fight this battle for our father because, you know, circumstances just led to where we're at, and you know. So there's got to be some hard choices made and we have to find a way to be compassionate to him because, what he wants and what is best for him.
Speaker 2:What Jonathan said, which is not always the same thing, yeah, yeah there's a lot of complexity in the feelings and I feel like you know you look at a situation like well then you should do A, b and C. This is what you should do, but there's more to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we tried to find some tools that we could use during this conflict and really the boundaries was kind of the thing that set up, setting boundaries for ourselves entering into the conversations and just having clear communication and compassion with each other first and foremost, I think, is what I find as a goal for myself, at least in the next times that we get together and talk, because I wasn't able to do that in the initial conversations.
Speaker 2:I think it's, you know, having to take real responsibility for whatever it is that you're feeling, Like your siblings, you know whoever it is you're dealing with in these conversations, they cannot make you feel anything. If you're feeling something, then that's 100% your responsibility to deal with. And I know for me it was like taking a step back and going what is it that I'm feeling? I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling resentful, I'm feeling guilty all at once, and instead of saying my siblings are making me feel this way, it's no, why do I feel this way? I have to deal with that. I have to look back and see what is it actually that this is bringing up for me and, I think, something that a lot of us will navigate when we are having to take responsibility for caring for our aging parents.
Speaker 2:You know, not everybody's childhood was, you know, rainbows and unicorns. You know there was a lot of. I know for me, what it brought up was there's a lot of things that I had to take responsibility for at a very young age. I had to be responsible for myself and had to, just like, go figure it out. You know. I mean, we were both, you know, asked to leave the house or were out of the house by 15, 16 years old.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was out at 15.
Speaker 2:And no one was coming to save us, you know. So we had to figure things out and we had to make choices to to better ourselves and to create a safe environment for our own families, and I think that being in this situation has brought up a lot of, you know, feelings of what you didn't get and what you're now asked to give. And there was-.
Speaker 1:It brings up those old wounds. It does A lot of tensions that were from the past.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're looking at, really, sometimes, the choices that your parents have made over their lives whether it was financial, whether it was marital, emotional, physical those choices that they made are now, they now become your issues and that is just a fact of life. But I think it's really, it's okay to have feelings about that and I think it's normal to have feelings about that, and I was really hesitant to do that this podcast, because it's like wow, saying these things could make me look like a very cold person or like you should always just you should find it an honor to take care of your parents in their later years. It's like, yeah, absolutely. Also, you may be having a lot of feelings about the way you were parented, having a lot of feelings about the way you were parented.
Speaker 2:You may be having a lot of feelings about the choices that your parents made that are now your responsibility to pick up for you know, and so that's where I find myself, and I and I, and there was like almost like shame in that you know, in feeling that that resonates with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I didn't know what to do with that, and so I really had to kind of step back from the conversations that we were having as siblings because they felt more destructive to our relationships. And one I know dad wouldn't want that. And two is take responsibility for what I was feeling and just look it in the face.
Speaker 1:I felt like some of the dynamics in our family were popping up in terms of the competitiveness in the family. You know, that competitive streak that everybody has is just like everybody's got to be better than the other and people want to shine and be recognized and all those things.
Speaker 2:But is that something? Is that a story that you're telling yourself? Because I didn I didn't have that I didn't have, like, this is a competition, but I'm, that's what I'm saying you, if you're feeling there was a competitiveness, then and what is that about?
Speaker 1:What is that about for you? Yeah, I think it was well, maybe. So let's get real here. I think that, with with the other siblings, when you talk about our experience as a childhood, I almost feel like you know, I don't think jealousy is the right word, but it's something along those lines in terms of, well, they got a totally different experience than me, so they're reacting different than I am right now. And not only that, but for decades I've been assisting dad. Decades.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, this is just a new thing for one of the siblings.
Speaker 2:Well, we're decades ahead of an experience than some of our other siblings, and when I've tried to help out specifically myself.
Speaker 1:It's come back to bite me time and time again.
Speaker 2:See, so we're bringing in our old stories.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so see, that's where that was. What was coming up for me is that the jealousy part wasn't about like their childhood was better than mine. It was more about like you're not understanding what I contributed already and what I've tried and all the stuff that I've done that dad ultimately went back on because that's not really what he wanted, and you can't help somebody do something they don't really want to do.
Speaker 2:Well, that's the truth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's true with anything.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Because I had a similar feeling. You know, as you described like you don't know how I've helped over the last 40 years or 30 years, whatever it is, but I had to ask myself why do I feel like I need to explain that and be validated about it?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's where it was like I don't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I found myself defending that position.
Speaker 2:I don't you don't you don't If you're experiencing feelings about I don't know, resentment, because it sounds like a little bit of resentment- right.
Speaker 1:Maybe it was just a hesitation to even start something new, because I've already done this a bunch of times and I know how, for me, the story is. I already know how this ends.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep, yep, if we do it this way because the way it's going now is kind of how I've done it in the past and it didn't work and so I'm trying to come from a different place of compassion and caring and love and not that other people aren't, but it just looks a little bit different to me because I would like to be an advocate from a neutral standpoint.
Speaker 2:But it was pulling you from your neutrality.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was.
Speaker 2:And I say that to you because it also pulled me from my neutrality and I was like whoa, if that's happening, there's some work for me to do and it has nothing to do with them. And so, getting to the point where it's like, you know, you don't have to explain why you feel the way you do, you don't need validation to justify why you will or you will not do something, I know. For us it sounds like it's bred from experience, not a lack of compassion. It's bred from we've done some of these things before and we've tried to change someone who doesn't want to change, and ultimately we just hurt the relationship between each other and with our parent. And so really, that feeling comes from experience, not even something that's happening currently.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's almost can be explained as like burnout, because I felt like I've been trying to help for so long Not just dad, but everybody in the family kind of a thing, and so I've almost and I'm also working on my everybody's got their own things in their immediate family, Not to even think about what this part is dealing with siblings and your aging parents. So then you throw that into the mix and it makes it pretty difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but again, that's something that we have to take individual responsibility for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we have to take individual responsibility for, yeah, you. We have to be accountable.
Speaker 2:Accountable for ourselves, yeah, and not needing it to be justified or validated by everyone else so that you can feel like you're a good person. I don't know that was. That was a. A really difficult one for me was to realize that I was having, you know, this internal resentment about being responsible for someone's decisions, that I the decisions I would never have made, you know, or I would hope that I would never have made or decisions that I had, you know, begged them not to make at one point. And now suddenly they become my responsibility and I was having a lot of issue with that, you know. And it's not from a lack of love or compassion, it just is. It's just. I think it was a natural response.
Speaker 1:So we have to find ways to communicate that when we're failing, but in a positive way you know, so how could we reframe something of like you know I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm willing to help with the on weekends, but on a daily task I'm just not available. It's not something that I can commit to right now, but on the weekends I commit. It's like something like that, instead of like completely shutting down, just being honest with what you can contribute, just more open and honest communication Instead of trying to deal with our siblings in terms of what our hurts are, just really, because those things can come later. I really do feel there will be a time when we sit down with each of our siblings because I feel like there's work to be done there, just kind of like the work that me and you have done because we spend so much time together. I think this between you and I has been more in alignment, just because we spend so much time together and we understand where each other's coming from. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But in the moment of making decisions. That's not the time.
Speaker 1:No, no, and so that was all trying to be figured out at the same time is what I realized, is there's things that I wanna say and explain to other siblings that aren't necessarily about this situation, but there's unfinished business between siblings that's still getting in the way of making clear decisions here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I feel like this when you're dealing with a situation with your aging parents and you have unresolved issues with your siblings, this is when it'll come up. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And this is the time also where you go okay, expect that those things are going to come into play when you're having discussions, but maybe be able to, you know, take a little bit of advice and just one for yourself is or this is what I've had to do is just recognize for myself what am I able to do and to contribute. That is not going to one put me into debt. That I cannot handle.
Speaker 1:Or emotionally deplete you.
Speaker 2:Or emotionally deplete me, which is also costing my family.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're not, if you're emotionally depleted. You can't help anybody else. You're not in a position to.
Speaker 2:So it's really doing your work on an individual basis to figure out what it is that you can offer and to be fair, you know. But to say this is what I can do and you know what. It doesn't need a lot of over-explaining, because I feel like when we're trying to over-explain it, we're trying to justify it and that's when you're going to get into muddy waters.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly well, you're the one that's always in charge, so you should do this.
Speaker 2:Or she's the free spirit, so she's not going to be available, or he's not going to be available. It's like not putting people into these character roles that we've had in the family in the past. Avoid doing that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and have clear communication asking each other in which ways they feel comfortable contributing that doesn't deplete their families or their work-life balance and all those things. Just having clear communication with what they're comfortable giving or how they're comfortable showing up. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think for myself. I think the trick for myself as I was listening to you say that part of the reasons why I was hesitant to say things like you know, if I'm depleted I can't provide care for my parents that they truly need. That would be a good thing to say right in that moment. But I think my own guilt is something that I have, that the work that needs to be done is my own guilt behind saying I can't show up in this way because it feels like a codependency kind of a thing that I'm repeating because it's going to deplete me or it's going to be helping at my own detriment.
Speaker 1:I'm willing to help, but not at my own detriment, because if it starts to affect me, I have to really step back a little bit and look at the situation and reassess what steps need to be taken.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I understand that and I think, for me personally, it came down to recognizing what feelings were coming up in these discussions, taking responsibility for what I was feeling, not not putting that on someone else that it's their fault that I feel this way, um, and then just reassessing what I can give and do or how I can participate in a way that feels like it's going to be useful and productive and not necessarily going to just completely pull me out of balance, you know. So those are hard things to navigate, but I think it's going to take a lot of awareness around what you're feeling, cause I even found myself getting pulled into this like whirlpool you know of, like emotions and and really coming off center and really losing like any sense of I don't know having conversations that I felt proud of you
Speaker 2:know, and it's like whoa, whoa, whoa. Like as soon as I recognize that I could have probably recognized it sooner, but as soon as I was able to kind of pull back and go, this is what's happening. This isn't productive. I wouldn't want this for my kids if I were a parent and I don't want this for myself with my siblings. So how do I find that neutral place again and say this is what I can do, this is what I cannot do, you know, and be able to just stay with that. You know, and so it's. This is. This is a hard one, and I think it's one we're all going to face.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not going to be easy, but I think defining and asking for people or siblings to help maybe divide the tasks evenly amongst and asking people to you know, explaining that no one person is going to be able to help on their own and, I think, collectively, if we can all come and share the responsibility, that makes it easier, because I think some of us feel or for myself, sometimes I felt like I was doing it on my own for all, for some of the times and that, and then now it's all coming together and I should be very grateful that now, more than just me or more you know what I mean is doing something right now in this moment we're all collectively coming together.
Speaker 1:I think the disheartening part is that I didn't realize there was such a void between us all in terms of the understanding of where we're at and how we communicate with each other. And really, just, I don't know. I felt like we said some stuff that hurt each other, and it was. I had to step back from that and go hmm, what was that? And when I seen you pull away from the conversation or you stayed in the conversation, set a boundary, I had to step back and go hmm, if she's setting a boundary right now, what does that say? I had to step back and go.
Speaker 1:if she's setting a boundary right now, what does that say? And she's stepping back to protect her emotional well-being, and I really feel like I need that same thing.
Speaker 1:I just didn't have the courage to say it because I was afraid to not show up or feel like I was being judged for not showing up. Right, yeah, and I really do feel like we need to give each other the grace to say I'm not in on this one, if we, if we're not, and not judge if we can't for any of them, because we already are. We already have just within our own selective choices. We've chose who's going to help based on their capabilities or what we think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not even including everybody, because we're just making judgments based on where we think they're at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's the roles. That's where we're going.
Speaker 1:And other people made assumptions about my life and so it made it difficult for me to say well, it's not really that way, I'm sorry, yeah, and so I can't show up in that way, and it was very difficult. That was a very difficult thing for me to deal with by myself in my own conversations. That was a thing that was just sitting in the sauce. I was sitting in that sauce going oh man this is the work man, that's your work.
Speaker 1:How do I do this without feeling angry and resentment about all these things? I was dealing with the complexities of how dad did show up and didn't show up for me and what does that mean, and the choices that he's made now to put him in this place. And now it's all these things and it's like what do I do here with this? I want to help, but this doesn't align with me just right in this moment, but it's because I lack the ability to communicate to my siblings in a way that stays neutral, because I'm, you know, full disclosure. I have been the volatile sibling in terms of emotional dysregulation. Yeah, you know what I mean, especially in these conversations. So you know, trying to be the peacemaker in these is a different role.
Speaker 2:Well, maybe you're just. You're not. You don't need to be the peacemaker for everybody. You just need to be the peacemaker for yourself. Yeah that's what I'm realizing, and it doesn't require a lot of justification. And please understand me, and I want to say all these things so that you can understand me, and as soon as you do that, I'm going to feel better about it. That has nothing to do with them.
Speaker 2:It has to do with you not feeling good about whatever it is that you're doing or you're feeling, and that's your inner work. That's not even for your siblings to validate for you, and it is. It's a complex situation that gives you this opportunity to feel all the places you're not free and to hopefully find yourself. If you go down too far down this road of arguing or of trying to feel justified and realize, I know for me, I had to realize I wanted them to do that for me because I felt bad and it's like, okay, I need to step back and think about what am I okay with? Am I in integrity in what I'm able to offer? If I feel like I'm in integrity with that, that's all I need. I don't need anybody else to justify it for me. I don't need to validate how many times I've shown up before that they didn't know about None of that. It doesn't.
Speaker 1:It's not relevant to the situation as long as I'm and being present yeah, literally being present with what's happening right now and letting go of the stories of the past.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just be with it, you know, and stay in your center and be able to offer in a way that is aligned for you, that honors your parents.
Speaker 1:Yeah, remember the common goal that you're all coming together for. And when you start to feel those feelings of resentment or not being heard, try to pause, try to step into the observer, try to detach emotionally from the conversation so that you can show up in a way that's not emotional, that causes more damage to the situation.
Speaker 2:You know, and the one thing I want to I'll end with is we've talked a lot about alignment, thinking about what it is, what do you want, right? And if you do that with these conversations, with trying to care for your parents or maintain sibling relationships, what do you want at the end of this conversation or the end of this incident or whatever it is you're dealing with? What I want is to feel still close to my siblings, to feel that I'm still taking care of myself and to feel that my father is cared for and to feel that my father has cared for. I want all of those things and first and foremost is to maintain these relationships that are really important. Is what I'm going to say next going to lead me there? And if it's not, then that's not the conversation to have or that's not the statement to make.
Speaker 1:And it's okay to stay quiet, or not speak in there, because sometimes you say something that buries you deeper. I'm very awkward with silent moments. I tend to say things and sometimes you just need to have one mouth and two ears. Listen twice as much as you talk and have some compassion for your siblings, Because they're ultimately remember. You're trying to help the same person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you can be right and alone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can be right and alone. All right. All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode, or check us out on.