Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
Shift the Gaps In Communication With One Question
Unlock the secret to more fulfilling communication by mastering the art of knowing when to listen and when to offer advice. On this episode of the Let That Shift Go podcast, we tackle the transformative power of a simple question that can prevent up to 90% of communication breakdowns. Begin with us on a light-hearted journey using "skin deep" cards, and ponder over how these reflections reveal deeper insights into our interaction styles. We'll guide you through understanding the intricate dance between masculine problem-solving and feminine emotional expression, helping to bridge gaps that often leave us feeling misunderstood.
Communication isn't just about talking—it's about being seen and heard. We dive into the emotional dynamics that can either create divides or foster connections, exploring the necessity of expressing our needs clearly. It's not always about the solutions; sometimes, it's about the space to just be. We'll share practical strategies, like asking open-ended questions and practicing self-awareness, to help manage your emotional responses. Embrace the techniques of circling and creating the right environment for meaningful exchanges, ensuring that both the speaker and the listener feel valued and understood.
Picture this: clear roles in conversations, akin to offense and defense on a football field. We'll discuss how setting intentions can enhance your personal and professional interactions. By simply asking, "Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice?" you pave the way for better understanding and stronger connections. As we wrap up this enlightening episode, we invite you to apply these insights to your own conversations and share your experiences and questions. Join us for an engaging discussion that redefines the way we communicate, fostering more meaningful relationships.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it, and on this week's episode, did you know there's one question that can prevent about 90% of communication breakdowns?
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Just one question.
Speaker 2:I know it's not. What do you want to eat?
Speaker 1:Or where do you want to eat? Where do you want to eat? Where do you?
Speaker 2:want to eat. That brings about 90% of argument.
Speaker 1:But first let's get into these skin deep cards before we get into this topic. You want to go first?
Speaker 2:Sure, okay, my question is from the family edition when do we get along best and why?
Speaker 1:Hmm, when do we get along best? Hmm, I think, when we're um working together at like retreats and stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1:When we're traveling together, when we're doing those kinds of things and breath work and Creating, creating and stuff like that. I think you know.
Speaker 2:Helping.
Speaker 1:Podcasting. I think, yeah, I think when we're creative together, yeah, and trying to-.
Speaker 2:I think you know when we get along, we're really pretty good.
Speaker 1:Most of the time All the time, so there's not.
Speaker 2:yeah, it would be harder to be like when do we not get along? That would be the thing.
Speaker 1:Well, I would say, when we were kids, 90% of the time there was a communication breakdown, so we didn't get along.
Speaker 2:We didn't know that question. If you haven't been chased by your brother with a butcher knife, you have not. Do you even have a sibling?
Speaker 1:You weren't trying. There's no growth in that family, all right, do you?
Speaker 2:guys really even care about the relationship if you haven't chased each other with a knife Just kidding, you were a mistake, okay. My question is if you could choose three people to share an intimate meal with. Who would it be and why? Alive or dead, or whatever? I want, whatever you want, jesus.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, I would just want to ask him like, what did you really?
Speaker 1:mean, how bad did we screw up this message. How far?
Speaker 2:off. Did we get from what your original message was? Um man, I I mean, I'd be good with just jesus there any family members that you would probably oh yeah, family members, uh, my grandma okay, our grandma, my mom's mom's mom um, actually, okay, I'm gonna have four so both my dad's, our dad's parents, lolo and our Lola, just to ask them more about our you know heritage and their work together. You know, because I know that our grandfather was a medicine man in the Philippines, yeah, so I'd want to know more from him.
Speaker 1:And they passed away before I was even born, so I never even got a chance to meet them, but you did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I met him. Grandma had passed just before that, but it was kind of cool. So, yeah, I would have my grandparents and Jesus.
Speaker 1:I like that. Yeah, all right. So let's get into this topic here, and the question that we're thinking about you know that you need to ask to prevent is do you want me to listen or do you want advice?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that would have saved me from so much trouble in communication. Oh yeah, trouble in communication, and particularly with my wife, because I think I don't know if it's a masculine thing or a feminine thing, or if it's just a Noel thing or a fixer versus a listener.
Speaker 2:I think masculine and feminine. It's not really gender-based, it's more of just the type of energy, because masculine energy sometimes is the fixer, it's like. I need to get in and do something about it, whereas more of a feminine energy is listener or receiving. That's just the nature of energy. It doesn't really have anything to necessarily to do with gender, but just the way that I think approaches particularly for me, because I'm tasked daily with just fixing and repairing things.
Speaker 1:So my general disposition is to to automatically fix or, you know, solve a problem. And so where I found myself getting into trouble is whenever we would have a discussion or, if you know, ellen would come home and maybe just be venting about something and I would be giving unsolicited advice Like you should just do this or you should do that, and really she just wanted me to listen, but I never took the time to A ask hey, is this? Do you want me to just to listen here, or would you like some advice? If I would have had the foresight to ask that, I wish I would have known this.
Speaker 2:Let's just start with this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what is my?
Speaker 2:role here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. How can?
Speaker 2:I best serve you in this conversation.
Speaker 1:What, what, yeah, what role would you like me to? You know, what hat do you want me to put on right now? Yeah, because I think what it gets into trouble is because the fixer part of me can come across as like condescending, or it can even be emotionally bypassing whatever they're feeling.
Speaker 2:Even if I have the greatest intention, it doesn't always come across as helpful. You could have the perfect solution, the most logical, perfect solution. But if that's not what I'm looking for, it's not going to feel helpful, right, because it's it's. Sometimes you just want to talk about what happened and just get it out, just move that energy from your body and like you know, just just like have it be something that you're able to be heard.
Speaker 2:Like maybe you just want to be heard and be seen and heard, and sometimes in those cases, especially if you're wanting to be seen and heard and somebody just well, why don't you just do this? It's like okay, Captain, Obvious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Like somebody comes home and talking about work and you're like well, why don't you just quit?
Speaker 2:Why don't you just quit? It's like, okay, you know, but it's, you just want to be seen and heard, but that's not always communicated ahead of time. Like hey, I just need you to listen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it doesn't that question. I will say only because I'm on the other side of it that I also have hopes that the person that's divulging or sharing could also go. Hey, cause I think I we had this discussion about Logan was like dad, you know, I know you want to be in dad mode right now, but I want you know I can't vent to my team or to my coaches, so right now I just really need you to listen and that put me. It was okay. I. I job is set.
Speaker 2:Put that hat on and it was much, was much easier.
Speaker 1:first of all, it shocked me that he was at the emotional intelligence to say that, um, and it really taught me something yeah, and and really brings this conversation to the forefront, it was you know if, if either side is able to communicate that up front, like, hey, this is what I need here, um, it may be helpful. Or if the person if they don't because sometimes that the person who's sharing may be, you know, dysregulated or emotionally distraught and not have the foresight, or just like to say, hey, I just need you to listen right now they just might be sharing and so, as an active listener, it is important to just be hey, what role would you like me to play? What do you need from me right now?
Speaker 2:Do just be. Hey, what role would you like me to play? What do you need from me right now? Do you need me to be a listener? Or do you?
Speaker 2:need me to be. Yeah, but so many of us are not really consciously going into conversation. We're many times just stepping into a familiar role. So if you're a dad, or if you're a husband or a partner that you think okay, well, whatever my partner's coming to me with, I'm supposed to probably fix it, Cause that's how we help each other. Like you may have that story just kind of, you know, built into the relationship or maybe the roles that you watch with your parents, and so it's not always coming up as a question.
Speaker 2:So the whole reason of doing this is just to give this whole podcast, is just to give the listener hey, what if you just stopped and asked this question when you're going to begin a conversation? How could it change the conversation and your role in it? Because even if Armando was going to come to me or a friend was going to come to me and I'd be like, do you want me to listen or do you want advice, If I know that it sort of lets me just relax into listening as opposed to all, right, I need to listen and also be coming up with a solution that would be helpful. So if I know ahead of time, I can relax into whatever it is that's needed instead of trying to scramble around with the right solution. And also the person is able to just say what they need to say and feel seen and heard. It's like if what I need is to feel seen and heard right now, then can we just do that.
Speaker 1:Now I've been having conversations with friends and it's been brought to my attention that I I'm more likely to be able to hold space in such a way that we're I'm not trying to fix and I'm just listening. When it's not with a person that I have any kind of emotional entanglement with, like my partner or my kids or my family members, it just feels as if I think the word is like I have a vested interest or I have a responsibility to keep them safe, or something.
Speaker 2:You're going into a role.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So that role, it's hard for me. It's a lot easier for a client or for a friend that I don't have any kind of an emotional attachment to, because I was having a conversation with a friend and it was kind of about the same thing and I was thinking, wow, you know, why can I do this so easily with you? But it's much more difficult for me to do that with my wife, with Ellen. Difficult for me to do that with my wife, with Ellen, and that's what I basically come up with, was I don't.
Speaker 1:I feel like there's almost like this possessiveness, like you know, that I need to do this and and also kind of had a thought that for years, you know, growing up, I was in survival mode, so I was always in the protection mode and I felt like I was really, you know, in that hero complex, trying to stand in front of whoever you know, in that hero complex, trying to stand in front of whoever you know, stand in front of people and be the protector.
Speaker 1:And in recent years I've kind of gone through an evolution of kind of awakening and finding ways to be more within myself and not let everything out, you know, in a sense, and I felt like I took a step back and was standing now behind those people and there was some sort of a vacuum that was just I don't know. It didn't feel comfortable and I didn't know how to navigate that space. And recently, I think I was listening to a book and there was something to the effect of this person was showing admiration for their partner, because their partner finally realized that she didn't want him to stand in front of her or behind her.
Speaker 1:What she desired was for her to stand next to her for him to stand next to her and that really is that position of listener and not a fixer, and meeting somebody exactly where they're at and really active, listening and trying to just be there, be a soundboard for that person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's something that that's who I am. My kids, my, you know, my I'm going to do that, but that may be just you satisfying whatever the role is in your head that you think that you are but that may not be what they wanted or what they needed in the moment and instead just kind of pulling back to see what is actually needed, rather than just stepping into a familiar role, you know, because it's not always. I know there was many times with the conversations that I would have with Armando where I was like I just want to talk about this. I don't want you to tell me what I should do or what I should have done, Because oftentimes that just makes me feel like I did it wrong.
Speaker 1:Were you verbalizing that ahead of time? No, or just as an internal thought.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was an internal thought. It was actually, it was not even. I don't even know if it was an internal thought or just an internal dissatisfaction with the conversation. Yeah, I think that's what-. And not even knowing why you know, until, like you do a little bit of you know work on self-awareness and you're like you know. That's probably why I just those conversations didn't go well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was just miscommunication.
Speaker 2:It was just gaps in communication.
Speaker 1:The communication gap. You didn't know you had.
Speaker 2:It wasn't like you know. I just I just needed to be seen and heard right now. No, it's just you know what, after having this conversation with you, I don't really feel better. I actually feel worse.
Speaker 2:So in some way, I didn't get what I needed, and I didn't even know how to ask for it. So what we're doing is trying to give you give you know, the listener kind of some more information about how to go into conversation so that you can get what you need and you can, you know, provide what is needed by just asking that simple, you know question or saying, hey, I just need you to listen right now. It's good for both parties, it's not, I don't know, for me. If somebody came to me and said I just need you to listen, I wouldn't take it personal and think, well, does that mean that you don't want my advice? You know, and if I had, if I felt that way, that's work. I need to do it myself.
Speaker 1:Well see, I think sometimes I feel that way with my family relationships, like if Ellen was like, well, I just I don't need your help right now, I just need you to listen. I can honestly say I would take that almost like you don't respect my opinion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, then that's a. That's a conversation you got to go have with yourself, exactly, it has nothing to do with her.
Speaker 1:And that's the part that I'm really learning and diving into is being able to have some emotional hygiene and not try to absorb everybody's energy or feelings around me to make them my own, because I think that's what I've done for most of my life to be hyper empathetic and feel into what they're feeling. But it really puts me into a state where I get into this you know like I'm, yeah, I get dysregulated, and then you know I'm unable to kind of help or facilitate in a way that's helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and I and, because I'm probably getting into a panic stage myself. It probably just spreads the panic or the fear even more and doesn't create a co -regulation of any sort.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's just, you know, asking for what you want and also, I think, defining too. You know, we talked a little bit about masculine, feminine, and that masculine energy again, not necessarily gender is more of like a fixer energy. It's just very linear and that can be very solution-oriented, direct, it's logical, it seeks efficiency. Well, if you just do it like this, it'll be quicker and it's always thinking about how do we fix this?
Speaker 1:Not really thinking about the problem or the source or anything, it's just how do we fix.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's thinking about the problem, but it's like how do we fix it? And then just sometimes that can come off as really dismissive, though, even if it's well-intended, even if you're like, let me come over and do this for you, that's not the point, right. So it's not that it's not well-intended, it's just that that energy of the person in that conversation is more fixer or more of that masculine, and I myself have held a lot of masculine energy. I worked in an ER as a supervisor for a long time. I had a lot of masculine energy. It was like what's wrong, let's fix it.
Speaker 1:What's this? Let's do that.
Speaker 2:And so I sort of became out of balance with my own feminine energy. Which feminine energy is more of the listener? Right. Again, not necessarily gender specific, but it's just. It's more receiving. Feminine is very receiving. Listener is very receiving. Emotion oriented, expressive, intuitive, seeks validation and connection right and being heard, and focus is more on instead of how do we fix this is how do we feel about this?
Speaker 2:Right, and that is that thing about just if someone's like like we were talking about earlier. So I had the worst day at work and the person you know, instead of saying why don't you just quit, the other response could be you know, that sounds really frustrating. What happened. Yeah. It's like I'm opening you up to learn more about it, instead of just like you should. You should just quit, or you know like just shutting it down and getting very logical.
Speaker 1:And also, too, it could you know, it's really jumping to conclusions when I'm thinking about myself. In those situations, I'm assuming a lot of things without asking questions first. It's like, well, how dare they or why would they do that? And I and I are automatically go into that judgment mode and get blinded to like what's really needed in that moment, because I don't. I feel like I allow the other person, the other person who's communicating to me, to rev my emotions, and it almost blinds me to finding a solution or to being calm enough to not find a solution and just listen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the common issue is like the fixer assumes that their job is to solve the problem, while a listener just wants to be seen and heard, or allow the you know the person who's talking to just be seen and heard and knows that that is actually your job.
Speaker 2:That is actually. That is actually technically fixing whatever the problem is. The problem isn't necessarily the problem they're talking about. The problem is they just want to be seen and heard. So maybe just asking that question do you want me to listen or do you want me to give advice?
Speaker 1:I mean, is there a possibility of the other side of that? And there's, like, are you going to say anything? I just divulged all of this and you're just sitting there listening.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean listening, is you know, asking, asking, asking those, those opening questions.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, like when we've talked in the past about just that, like the circling technique of of seen and heard, and like this is what you're saying, Does this? Is that right?
Speaker 2:What I want to know is this yes, you know it's like, did I hear you right and what I want to know a little bit more, so they can open up and they can, you know, continue that conversation and allow, like just allowing the emotion that's there or allowing the problem that's there, sometimes them allowing themselves to talk about it, they get their own solution.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a deepening understanding on both sides, like I get to understand kind of more thoroughly what you're going through.
Speaker 1:And in some ways it's kind of the soundboard part. For me it's almost like journaling when I'm talking to another person, because I may not have been even I don't have all the thoughts kind of worked out in my head before I have them. But as I'm kind of talking and the person you know has the ability to hold space in a good way, I find myself working the problems out as I'm talking and finding my own solutions and they really they didn't even say much other than just kind of like really Okay, how did you, like you said they act like a mirror.
Speaker 1:They act like a mirror and just say you know very minimal things. It's almost, I would just think it's like the most stereotypical thing of what we think. Going to a therapist is like oh and how did that make you? Feel it really is as simple as that, and that's one of the things it's an opening question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's one of the things that in therapy I would actually I used to get mad about because I would feel like they would ask me questions like that but they would never give me any homework or any ways to solve. You were more looking for a solution, I was looking for a solution in there, and I didn't find it until I reached a certain type of therapist, I think.
Speaker 2:See, I wonder if, even in therapy, if you could say, listen, I'm looking for more of a solution.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know that could. I mean that's what I was looking for. I appreciate your listening, but I'm actually looking for a solution. What if you just ask for that, even in therapy I mean making this a habit in your relationships really could, like we said, cut back on 90% of the community, the gap in communication, and it's also an exercise in communicating what you need you know, because if you have to leave it up to the person you're expecting, you know, to hold space for you, a you don't know what type of emotional state that person is currently in.
Speaker 1:They may not even have the room or capacity to handle whatever you're about to throw at them. So you may say, hey, I really got some things on my heart. Do you think you have some space to hold for me so that I want to have a conversation Like that would be totally helpful, as opposed to damn it. I just got this thing at work today and then just start venting and almost like a passing conversation.
Speaker 2:I think that's another really important part of this conversation and when we could probably do a whole podcast on just that is when you're going to feel like you need to vent or you just need to get something off your chest is also to ask the person that you're going to do that with do you have the time for this right now? And letting them know like-.
Speaker 1:Do you have eight minutes? Do you have eight minutes?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like hey, I'm going through a spot.
Speaker 2:Do you think you can call me when you have a few minutes to talk I just need to talk this out, but also respecting the time of that person that you are needing. That should be there for you, right? Because most of it is we just need to be. Most people just want to be seen and heard. It's not necessarily that they're looking for a solution, they just want to be seen and heard. But also asking the person that you're asking to see and hear you do they have the mental capacity to hold that space for you? Because if they don't and you didn't ask you may you may take that the wrong way you know like oh, it just shut me down.
Speaker 2:But I think also when we're talking about, like you know, asking what you need in communication you want to be, do you need a solution or you just need to vent but also respecting the person that you're asking to do that, Making sure they're in the right frame of mind.
Speaker 1:That that you're asking to do, that Making sure they're in the right frame of mind. That's not always an easy thing, particularly for somebody who's very empathetic or takes on people's emotions. That could be a difficult thing, and if you're in a pinch and you need that person there, you can put them in a pinch and then they might not respond or be able to hold space in a way that you needed.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so finding ways to do that and you know we talked about this before like one of the things that made me feel the most safe is going for a walk. While, oh yeah, with the intention of like, hey, let's have a conversation, do you mind if we just go for a walk Because there's something about?
Speaker 1:that moving and and it's much different I want to be clear than, like this, having conversations in passing or while you're driving in the car, where you're distracted and you can't be focused. Or you know you're in the kitchen doing dishes and then you decide that you're just going to throw some venting on. That's not a situation where that person can give you their undivided attention. So you almost have to create that space and for me, going on walks was allowing me or us to kind of move energy and not be sitting. You know I have a hard time sitting still sometimes. So there's something about the act of going for a walk and letting you know the person know that I need to have, I'd like to have some conversation. Do you mind if we go on a walk and have a talk while we walk? Yeah.
Speaker 1:That right in its own. And then you know, in addition to that, this new, you know, gap in our communication that we didn't know, I didn't know was there, is to ask that question. Yeah. Do you want me to be a listener or would you like some advice?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that can be a very big game changer. So there are a few real-life communication pitfalls.
Speaker 1:What's that?
Speaker 2:First one would be the complaining partner we talked about. Comes home frustrated about their job Immediately, their partner immediately starts listing the solutions. So what happens what happens? The frustrated person feels dismissed and the partner thinks they were being helpful and they're like what did I do? I just tried to tell you how to fix it, I mean you said this was wrong.
Speaker 2:I told you how to fix it. Why are you mad, right. And then you know that's all they. All they wanted to do was just kind of move that that energy and just be able to be seen and heard. And instead, what could they do? They could say something like wow, that sounds really tough. Do you want to vent, or do you want?
Speaker 1:my take on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's even it sounds less clinical yeah.
Speaker 1:That's less clinical. I almost like that version way better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I sometimes you know what I've noticed too or Wanda sometimes will say I'm saying something and I'll look at him and he'll go. Do you want to know what I think do? You want to know what I think. And I'd be like yes, and that, even just that. Do you want to know what I think Is like yes, isn't it obvious? No, I'm asking you because I want permission to give you my perspective on what's happening. It may not be a solution.
Speaker 1:But see, you think it's obvious yeah, you think it's obvious that you want him to give that.
Speaker 2:I think it's good communication hygiene to just say do you want to know what I think? Even if it's not, do you want a solution? Maybe you don't have a solution, but you have an opinion. But how do you know they want your opinion? You know, and also when you, when you say that it just gives the other person, I don't know, some level of autonomy, and some you know, like also, asking permission is allowing someone to be seen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it also opens up a pathway for them to hear.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:You know like a therapy is like. Are you open to hearing my thoughts?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, would you consider hearing my thoughts on that, that part, it's the same way, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's true. The other one is the friend who feels unheard. So it's a friend who's like pouring out, pouring their heart out, and the other one interrupts with I went through the same thing and it's unintentionally, then making it about them, and the person the original speaker just feels like they really weren't heard. They just got kind of like bypassed.
Speaker 1:I've done that a ton of times. You know where I hear something and it relates to something I feel, and I have a way of taking over a conversation and then by the end of it I'm like oh, I don't even think they tell me what they told me. They didn't ever even told me what they wanted to talk about and they're like oh, I got to go now and I afterwards.
Speaker 2:I'm like, oh, I think I really just stepped all over that.
Speaker 1:I think I just yeah, I mean, at least now I have the afterwards I'm going, ah, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Instead of like wow, I'm really glad that you know I was able to share that with them and I bet they really appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, they were calling me to vent, you know, and I was like I'm glad you called. We have the same feeling. We share so much in common. Here's what I think, or what happened to me.
Speaker 2:You know, and often that's unintentional, and I think that it just comes from this need to want to connect. It's like you know what Same we're the same we have a connection.
Speaker 1:And I think it's really meant to connect, as opposed to, you know, one up. Yes, it's supposed to be. For me, I feel like it's a bridge.
Speaker 2:Like, we share something in common. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we like similar, we have a similar thing and it brings us closer. At least that's the bridge in my head that's established.
Speaker 2:Only they're like I don't want to cross your bridge, no more.
Speaker 1:They were like damn, that's like quite the toll I had to pay to get across that bridge.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Instead you could say you know, wow, that sounds overwhelming. What do you need right now? Do you need someone to listen? Do you want my perspective? Right? And at the end you could be like you know. I'm glad you shared that with me. I had something similar happen. But allow them to like complete. Allow them to come to like some sort of completion with whatever it is that they needed to get out, instead of like ah, let me tell you this, and you're kind of hijacking the conversation I mean you certainly could and this is the way I've kind of moved into and tried to is is allow them to have their their conversation and and get out and ask those deepening questions.
Speaker 1:But if and then if we say would do you want to hear what I think? Would you consider hearing what I think? Yeah then it would be I have a story and I want to tell you this because it'll it'll help, maybe relate to what we're talking about, and then I'll go into how I experience something similar, yeah, and then use that as kind of more of a teaching tool right rather than comparing, because it feels like a measurement, in that, you know, if I just go, you know what and know what, and it was like my thing was bigger than yours, and then they're like gosh, that sounds worse.
Speaker 1:I don't even want to bring mine up anymore.
Speaker 2:I mean, I shouldn't even feel so bad, but I do Now I don't even. I feel shameful even saying it.
Speaker 1:Yours was so much worse than mine, never mind. I don't even want to say it, I'm just going to so, yeah, practicing be being a better listener and um asking that question yeah, I think just remember.
Speaker 2:The question is do you need some? Do you want me to listen or do you want advice and just sit back, know that what, what is this person asking of you? And be able to do that in a way where you can relax into one of those two roles as needed. But also, if you're the person asking for someone to talk to, like, make sure that they have the space to listen. You know that's an important piece to giving and receiving.
Speaker 1:Appropriate time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Because I think sometimes Mental space, that they're in the mental space where they can do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Sometimes we do things and there's not a lot of time. It's like we're getting ready to go somewhere, but I just need to get this off my chest. That's a recipe for disaster, you know, because if you don't have time, you have to make time. Finding time is not a thing. Making time is a thing. So if you can't make time in that moment, then it's not time to have that conversation, I think time in that moment, then it's not time to to have that conversation.
Speaker 2:I think, yeah, I agree. Well, I think this has been a good one and hopefully people will be able to use this practice in their conversation. The challenge, too, for you all is in your conversations is try using the question in your next conversation. Just try it. Do you want me to listen or do you want advice? Just and see how it opens up the communication and how they may look at you like whoa, what I didn't even know. I needed that.
Speaker 1:You know, but at what point do you ask that question? Before they start, or after you let them go through the active and then be an active listener and then you go? Okay, and that sounds pretty tough. Are you open to hearing my advice? Would you do it like that?
Speaker 2:Or do you say before they even start, I would say do you want this or that? Because if you say, are you open to my advice, okay.
Speaker 1:That's interesting.
Speaker 2:They're like no, then you're. You know, it just kind of creates this, but what?
Speaker 1:I'm getting at is do you want me to? Should I say it before you divulge what's happening? Is it more appropriate to do it before you know, like, hey, I want to share something, is it? Do I go? Hey, what's my role here? Would you like me to be a listener, or would you?
Speaker 2:You know, I think you're just going to let it flow naturally. I think if somebody came up to me and they're like I need to tell you this thing, and they went ahead and told me, whatever it is, that first initial like all right, the introduction of the subject At that point I would listen and then ask what is my role here? Do you want advice?
Speaker 1:Because you could judge there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And they may, without even making it awkward. They might say what do you think?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wouldn't say hey before you start, do you? I don't even know what you're gonna talk about.
Speaker 1:Let's set some ground rules here. I'm gonna set some ground rules here. Here's my control coming up T-shirt that says do you?
Speaker 2:want me to listen, but just to like hear what's going on, and then you know, ask the question what is my role here. Do you want this or do you want that and you know? And if you're the one who is listening to this and you need to have a conversation, just say I need to tell you something, but I just need you to listen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, or I I really looking for your advice? Can I get your advice? We do that often and then it's clear yeah, but you know if you're going to be giving or receiving one of you should just have a little clarity on what's going on.
Speaker 1:I know on my side because I fail so often. On the other side of it, I would prefer that I create the routine in myself that when I want to, when I'm reaching out for advice or have art, I'm going to say I listen, I want you to listen here, but I really need your advice.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And here we go, ready, go, and instead or I just need you to listen I'm working something through. I haven't really got it all out yet. Are you open to just holding space for me while I soundboard this to you? That I mean, I would hope, because that cuts out a lot, because I know it's almost like offense and defense right On a football field. Offense knows exactly where they're going, they know what the play is and the defense is just reacting to whatever the hell happens. And they got to stop whatever's going to happen. I feel like I'm on the defensive and always trying to, whereas if the offense already knows the play, it feels more appropriate for that person to divulge in such a way that sets clear intentions for what their expectations are for the person they're speaking with. Yep, but I know that doesn't always happen. I'm just saying because I'm on the other side of it.
Speaker 2:It's so hard. I think it's something new to try if you've never had before. And it is as simple as that, do you? It's something new to try if you've never, had before, and it is as simple as that Do you want advice or do you want me to listen? And it has changed the way that I communicate in my own marriage and with clients as well, so I think it's totally worth giving it a try in your next conversation. Yeah. All right.
Speaker 1:All right, that's been another episode of let that shift go podcast. I'm noelle and I'm lena.
Speaker 2:Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode.