Let That Shift Go

What Happens When You Stop Lying to Yourself?

• Lena Servin and Noel Factor

Share episode

Send us a text

Chad Aranzonzo, veteran and cousin of host Noel, shares his powerful journey from rock bottom to recovery after waking up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning and seeing the pain on his mother's face.

• Serving in the military taught Chad to accept death, creating a mindset he couldn't turn off in civilian life
• After returning home, Chad drank heavily to numb PTSD symptoms, eventually reaching two bottles a day
• January 19th, 2023 became his turning point when he woke up in the hospital after vomiting blood
• Recovery forced him to face his trauma without alcohol, describing it as "looking in a broken mirror"
• Learning to identify self-deception and the "armor" he created as protection mechanisms
• Discovering that authentic connections require first being honest with yourself
• The profound weight lifted when truly forgiving others and himself for the first time
• Finding glimpses of happiness and working toward peace as his ultimate goal
• Valuing genuine presence over empty words: "Just sit there, man, I know who you are"
• Shuffling forward every day: "It's going to get worse, but the better is way worth it"


https://www.serenitycovetemecula.com

Noel:

Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.

Lena:

And I'm Lina.

Noel:

And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.

Lena:

We just talk mad shift.

Noel:

Let's get into it, and on this week's episode we got a special guest. You know, I think, that growing up, your first best friends are really your cousins. And today I've got the man, the myth, the legend, chad Aranzonzo, my cousin, childhood friend, and he's here today to talk about Real talk, real talk.

Lena:

We'll talk about life healing and being human.

Noel:

So let's get into this. Yeah, so welcome Chad. Real talk, we'll talk about life, healing and being human.

Lena:

So let's get into this, yeah, so welcome, chad. Thank you. Chad has walked through something very intense and really wanting to ask him. You know, the question that we like to ask ourselves, and why we even started this podcast, was how did you know it was time to take a shift?

Speaker 4:

The exact date it was time to take a shift, the exact day. It was actually January 19th 2023. When I woke up in the hospital saw my mom's face. You know, it's just. That's horrible man.

Lena:

What was going on? Why were you in the hospital?

Speaker 4:

Oh man, I had been drinking so heavily for a good three years. The last year I was drinking maybe two bottles a day. I didn't have a hangover for like a year and I mean, a lot of it was to do with like the PTSD stuff, because I never really had to deal with it if I was drunk. You know I'm saying yeah, but then you know it stopped working, I guess. And then when I came back home, when I came back from Hawaii to San Diego, I was uh, yeah, it just got worse.

Speaker 4:

I guess I felt more alone yeah but I decided, I think in November, that I was going to kill myself drinking. Like you know, just have a good time, might as well go out. And then so, when I started throwing up blood and stuff, my mom brought me to the hospital. Oh, my mom, my sister Actually, I don't really remember actually, but my mom and my sister were. Oh yeah, my mom and my sister brought me to the hospital and then I was passing out in the. They had me wait, are you crazy? And then so I was passing out and I knew I was like man, this is it. But I was surprisingly okay with it. I was like man, whatever. And then I woke up and then I saw my mom's face and I was like, oh fuck. And then I woke up and then I saw my mom's face and I was like, oh fuck, you know. And then that was the time. You know, when you see somebody you love and all that pain that you caused them, that's your fault. You know, what.

Speaker 4:

I'm saying Mm-hmm, and then yeah, so I decided that was the day I should change, or make a change or strive toward change.

Lena:

Yeah, no longer wanting to leave, but maybe looking at something else.

Speaker 4:

It's not really about wanting to leave. For me it was more about caring. I didn't care. It's one of those things you just can't turn off after you go to war and stuff. You accept it. I accepted dying out there. You know Otherwise it couldn. And stuff, yeah, you accept it, I accepted dying out there. You know Otherwise it couldn't function.

Noel:

Yeah, so you were in the Army, right?

Speaker 4:

Yes. And so, instead of being scared you know going and doing what you're doing you just accept that you're going to die. There's nothing, that you're like Superman, you can just do whatever, and you know you're going to die. So you're like ah, whatever, let's do this hardcore. And then, when you make it out, you can't turn that off. Yeah, so it's not about the reintegration, it's not about the support system. It's really just about finding it in yourself to turn it. How are you going to find it? How can I turn this off? And then I started drinking more to forget about it.

Lena:

Yeah, so it was more of the way to escape that pain without having to deal with it, absolutely.

Speaker 4:

I mean, it was fun, but if I didn't drink then you know I wouldn't pass out and then I'd have to think about stuff before I would sleep. Yeah, that's how it went for me.

Lena:

Yeah, so it was really seeing your mom's face.

Speaker 4:

That was a catalyst, absolutely, um, but the real. You know, nobody can change yourself, but yourself.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

And I hate it when people tell me you know. Oh you know it gets better, things will get better. Nobody knows that. If I had to tell anybody anything, I'd be like you. You could expect it to get worse. But if you don't do something now, it will get worse, and you're not, it's just just going to stay there. What?

Noel:

was one of the first steps you took to create some kind of change in your life.

Speaker 4:

I stopped hanging out with certain people, I really isolated, which obviously I mean after that day, you know, after that day I stopped drinking, which was a double whammy because I couldn't drink. So I had to deal with the PTSD shit for the first time ever and then that got me really bad off. So I really had to isolate myself and kind of look inward, yeah, identify who I really was, what I wanted. And that's hard, man, you know, it's hard to look in a broken mirror. You know what I mean. And so when you try to change yourself or identify what you're doing, like the first thing I identified was I'm a selfish piece of shit, you know, putting my mom through whatever I put her through, going out, doing whatever I did, not thinking about nobody but myself, my own happiness, you know. I would say, you know, oh yeah, I mean I kept my house open for a lot of the homies before and I'd be like, ah, you know, I wanted you guys off the streets. It was because I didn't want to be alone.

Speaker 4:

That was a fucking lie. You know what I mean? I mean it did keep people off the streets, but I was lonely. You know what I'm saying? I need drinking people. You really have to not lie to yourself to get better. It sucks, because when you man, when you don't like that person in the mirror, man, and you don't have anything to drink, after you've been drinking since you were 12, shit, I mean I didn't even know who I was anymore.

Speaker 3:

I didn't even know what happiness felt like anymore.

Noel:

You were forced to face it. Yeah, because you no longer had the numbing. Yeah, the ability to escape it.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and you know, I've always been a fighter my whole life. But, man, I was not prepared for that fight. I mean, it's an everyday struggle. You know what I'm saying? I have to find myself every day just to make sure that I can be myself every day.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Because if I don't, I'll start believing my own lies. That's what a lot of people do, and if you believe your own lies, then you're lying to everybody else anyway. So why are you talking to everybody else? Why are you giving advice?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you know what I mean man.

Speaker 4:

I'm a great advice giver. For some reason. Usually the guys who go through stuff are yeah, but I didn't really care about myself. I do care a lot about other people, though. That's a big thing.

Lena:

Is it easier for you to care about other people than to care for yourself?

Speaker 4:

Absolutely. Yeah, that's an escape as well. It's kind of like I don't have to concentrate on myself. Let me concentrate on you so that I can make you better and live through that.

Lena:

Yeah, kind of avoid my own pain.

Noel:

Yeah, do you notice that showing up in relationships now?

Speaker 4:

I don't really make a lot of friends anymore. I got my people and I mean you can tell the people who want to make a change and who just talk about it. You know what I mean.

Lena:

What does that look like? Like when you said you can tell the people that want to change and the ones that just talk about it. What is that I mean?

Noel:

Were you there at one point.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I wanted everybody to think I was getting better. You know what I'm saying. But I was lying to myself myself. Obviously I wanted to portray myself as a person who was getting better so that everybody's like, oh, he's doing the work, but for me it's not. It's the people who talk about it a lot, you know, I'm saying like they're, I don't know how to say it. I used to be extroverted and stuff like that, but now I find myself just keeping quiet, you know, because people say a lot more when you're quiet.

Speaker 3:

More of an observer? You think yeah absolutely.

Speaker 4:

They'll tell the truth through their words. They don't even have to be talking about themselves, but you'll see who they are, and so it's easier for me to stay quiet, and so, if you are really working on yourself, you don't have all the answers.

Lena:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

And then, if you don't have the answers, why you talk so much? You know what I mean, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but you know and you know I've always had real recognizes, real. You know what I mean. So it's more of a feeling than it is anything else.

Noel:

So you were able to shift the dynamics with the people that you're surrounding yourself with and just making better choices, or and seeing the people are more real around you because you're being, you're surrounding yourself with and just making better choices, and seeing the people who are more real around you because you're showing up different.

Speaker 4:

I wasn't really showing up to anything at first. The real thing was I got this friend named Mike. It was weird man Because I met him when he got out of prison, but man he's a good dude.

Speaker 4:

I used to live next to him and we'd hang out every once in a while. We weren't that close. But then one, uh, one day he calls and he's like hey, man, I'm being sound, you want to come? I was like yeah, different. And uh, so you know he was, he talks a lot, but he's oh, man, I don't know how to see this.

Speaker 4:

He talks a lot, but there's real words there. You know, I'm saying there's realness in that. Yeah, context for him, yeah, but nobody calls him out on a shit. You know, I'm saying sometimes, and so was giving him little jabs here and there, like you know he'd be like oh well, that's, you know what I mean. But nobody really does that with him and I wasn't really talking, I would just say little things. And then he noticed that and he talked to me about it and then that conversation turned into like a 10-hour conversation and then he like left the next morning, go back to LA, and then after that it was like these conversations, man, it's about growing and identifying in yourself what you like the base of your problem, like why you get so angry when people disrespect you.

Speaker 4:

And then you really have to ask yourself yeah, you know what I mean, like where, where does it come from, where does it stem from, so that you could first identify it. Then maybe you could heal from it or, you know, stop your reaction. However, you do it so bringing like a level of awareness yes, not just staying on the surface. Yes.

Lena:

But actually having someone sort of call you forward on something like hey, why do you get so angry when this happens?

Speaker 4:

Oh, no, I'm talking about asking yourself these questions.

Lena:

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

And, like you know, the first time I started doing that I found I was lying to myself and I wasn't getting out of it. What I wanted, what were you lying?

Noel:

about? Give us an example.

Speaker 4:

I thought I was an asshole because you know, that's just my horoscope, or whatever that's just how I am. But you know, I got more of a response from being an asshole than I did being nice. I didn't want to tell people that though, so you know, I just go around being an asshole and then like, make it a joke, so it was funny, funny asshole, and then I'd go off of that. But you know, a lot of the shit we say is a lot of cover-up. You know what I mean.

Lena:

Do you feel like being the asshole was kind of like the armor.

Speaker 4:

Oh, absolutely. I mean, everything was armor for me. Yeah, I didn't even know who I was at the end of it. I mean, I'm still working on it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

You know, and it's hard to even admit to myself that I was like who are you? You know like it's so lonely.

Lena:

So it was like trying to protect yourself from your own, like truth almost yeah, because I didn't know who I was anymore.

Speaker 4:

You know what I mean. Was I doing this for them? What do I really want? When you know what you really want, when you know what you're really scared of, nobody can tell you shit after that. You know what I mean. They can try to scare you, but you already know, so I don't know. It really is an everyday thing, but it's challenging and it hurts sometimes, but the growth factor is just amazing, you know.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

And yeah, man, I've grown so much and I was supposed to be on this podcast a while back, a year, yeah, about a year ago, yeah, but I wasn't ready, man, and I'm glad I didn't, because I would have lied my ass off you know it's always right when it actually happens, when it, when it actually happens, that's the right time.

Lena:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4:

No, I'm all. Oh yeah, I'll be, I'm okay, I'm good. No, I did appreciate you reaching out, though. Man, that was cool Always.

Noel:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 4:

Some people. So yeah, man, every day I'm working on that. What do you think was helpful in that time?

Lena:

When you're saying somebody reaching out, that was actually helpful. If there's family members or friends who see a family member going through something like this going through PTSD, depression, addiction what is actually the helpful thing to do?

Speaker 4:

Well, I mean, there's really nothing For me. It was. I would get pissed off if people asked me how I was doing. You know what I mean, Because they always get the same answer. But when I grew a little more I started to appreciate it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, otherwise, because I was already lonely. But having that, I didn't know that it helped me until later.

Lena:

Yeah, so so did you have to get to a point where you could actually receive that question?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, so like, and everybody, oh, they always ask their own boys hey, how you doing, man, I'm cool, how you doing? You know they don't really mean that shit. Yeah, next, yeah. So when I ask somebody hey, what's up, man, how you doing, I'm all right. Man, no, I mean like, how you doing, you know what I'm saying. Like they understand that I'm being real. It's not a stupid-ass question. Fake man, I don't like that shit anymore yeah, there's no point in it yeah, but you know I catch myself slipping every once in a while.

Speaker 4:

It's just hard to get over old habits and you know you got to catch that.

Lena:

You know what I mean how do you catch it now?

Speaker 4:

I find myself enjoying stories about. These guys tell stories all the time you know about like enjoying stories and kind of indulging in the stories that people tell about me. But those times didn't bring me peace, you know. I mean, it's just the person that I put out there would be happy about that, but that's not me. I think I just liked it because somebody was actually talking about me and I didn't feel lonely or something.

Lena:

Like you felt seen, yeah, yeah.

Noel:

Yeah, and you had control over how people seen you.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I mean, it's already over and done with they heard all the stories, but you know that's not who I. I don't want to be that guy anymore.

Lena:

Who do you want to be I anymore? Who do you want?

Speaker 4:

to be. I don't know who I want to be. I know what I want to be.

Speaker 3:

Okay.

Speaker 4:

I want to be peaceful man. I want to move in peace. I want every thought to be peaceful. That's the dream. You know what I mean.

Lena:

How's that dream going right now?

Speaker 4:

Shit man, it was so hard, it was so hard. You know, it's like going through a dark tunnel. You know where the hell are you going, you know. But I knew if I was shuffling my feet. At least I'm moving somewhere.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

You know, and then this girl came along and it was like an ember at least, you know. Yeah, little spark, little spark, yeah. And I was like, oh shit, there is, like you know, little purpose. I was like I'm gonna go towards that and so it's been helping me a lot. But I always have to remind myself that my happiness has to come from me first.

Lena:

Yeah, it's like maybe she reminded you that there is an ember in you still burning.

Speaker 4:

She reminded me how it felt like to be happy A little bit. Yeah, I'm not, I'm never going to be back a hundred, I don't think A lot of that shit died out there, but I think you'll be more Knowledgeable.

Noel:

You'll be free, yeah, and you'll be living at peace. That's more than 100. That's more than 100. Because when I was rolling around faking it to everybody back in the day, just like you're saying, I wasn't at peace and people were talking about me and I was doing all the crazy stuff, but I wasn't at peace and I had all the things, but I wasn't at peace. And people were talking about me and I was doing all the crazy stuff, but I wasn't at peace and I had all the things, but I wasn't at peace. But now that I'm at peace, it's better.

Speaker 4:

I promise you. You know I feel like I have a lot of work to do yet, but I know I'm getting there. I'm.

Noel:

Bruce Lee said perfection is not a destination, it's just a direction.

Speaker 4:

Oh, no, no, no, yeah for sure. But that's what I'm saying. It's like a lifelong thing that I think I have to work toward, and when I do actually feel peaceful. Once I actually feel peaceful, then you know, I still am not quite sure what happiness is, but I know that when I keep it, with my girl.

Lena:

That's as close as it's going to get, so far that you know, so far that I know, I don't remember. You know Well, you're getting glimpses of it. I am, you know.

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Lena:

Do you think you're letting yourself receive it?

Speaker 4:

No I think that I'm fighting the hell out of it. I'm punishing her because she gives me good love, man, but I don't think I deserve it. I think.

Lena:

Yeah, so right now, it's the worthiness.

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Lena:

Being able to receive love.

Speaker 4:

All my scars are bleeding from all over her from before, but she's kind enough to stay around and I have a bad issue, so that's nice.

Lena:

Thank you. Childhood trauma. But yeah, she helps me with that. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4:

She's repatterning. Yeah, yeah, but it's hard. You know what I'm saying? Because if you don't, if you really don't, people accept the love they feel they deserve.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

And so, in order for me to accept it the way she's giving it to me, I really have to do some digging.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Noel:

You got to give yourself that love First.

Speaker 3:

Yep that love first.

Speaker 4:

Yep Because loving yourself shows you what love feels like. I'm working towards it, but you know, like I said, it's hard to look in a broken mirror.

Noel:

Don't be an asshole to yourself.

Speaker 4:

Don't be an asshole to yourself Just today. Speak nicer to yourself yourself yeah, that's true, you know me and my homeboy, mike. He was like you know, stop being so fucking hard on yourself, dude. Like once, if you do something that disappoints you, I also want you to say something that you think is good about you. I was like okay, balance, you know everything requires balance. Right, so I want you to say something that you think is good about you. I was like okay, balance, you know everything requires balance.

Speaker 3:

Right.

Speaker 4:

And I just recently found out that I never forgave anybody ever until like I don't know a year ago. I never forgave anybody for anything. I said I did.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Lena:

But I'd hold it, I wouldn't talk to them for years or whatever yeah, which is kind of like drinking poison and thinking the other person will get sick at some point.

Speaker 4:

You know yeah, basically yeah, but I didn't know how much weight it carried. Oh yeah, I was so used to, so, so used to it, you know. Yeah, I was like, well, that guy's on my list, fuck you yeah but you and he brought it. He's like man, you gotta learn how to forgive yourself, bro. I was like what do you mean? Do I forgive everybody? He's like no, you haven't even forgiven yourself, yep. So how the hell do you know how to forgive? Ooh, that one hurt.

Lena:

Oh, it's truth. I mean, forgiveness is something really you do for yourself.

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Lena:

Really, you know, like forgiving someone else doesn't condone whatever the action is.

Speaker 4:

They don't even need to be there.

Lena:

honestly, no, they don't. But you realize like this is something I no longer want to carry. It's not mine, and I am releasing myself, releasing you from this and I'm no longer going to live my life like feeding myself this poison. Yeah, you know.

Speaker 4:

Man, and when I did forgive for the first time, man, that's like what did it feel? Like you know, I never understood the whole weight off your shoulders, shit. I was like I never felt that, but man, it was like I, I felt what that meant at that moment gravity yeah, dude like someone said, give me that ton of bricks and let's put it down.

Lena:

Yeah, you know, it could feel so good there's just so much more available to you when you're not carrying.

Noel:

You know that and that's how you get back to that 100. You know, letting that shift go.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I'm gonna start working on the the other parts first before I think about 100 small steps, man, small steps, baby steps, baby. Yeah but just as long as I'm moving forward, I'm growing. So even if you're shuffling, even if I'm shuffling, I'm moving forward, I'm going somewhere. But now there's a light there, so I'm good it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't. Everybody gets their destination different. I don't judge nobody. I try not to at least.

Lena:

What about yourself?

Speaker 4:

That I'm Everybody. I'm my own worst critic.

Lena:

We all are.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, that critic lives rent- oh yeah, absolutely you know, I'm just trying not to believe it you know what I mean.

Noel:

And it's hard when you don't, when you tell yourself yeah, maybe try not to judge but discern, because there's a difference between those two words. You know, judging yourself tends to be very hard, and you know. But if you're discerning, you're trying to break things down and pull them apart and see what's going right, Getting to the root of everything.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah, Ah. Man, there's a lot of work yet, but you know it's. I'm actually looking forward to it. Oh that's a completely different way.

Lena:

I mean to it. Oh, that's a completely different way. I mean honestly that's like a 180 yeah, from where you were of just constantly trying to avoid it at all costs, right even at your own health yeah and now being able to say there is a like a shit ton of work to do and I'm kind of excited by it. Yep, the pain I mean obviously the pain is gonna.

Speaker 4:

The pain is always going to be there and I'm kind of excited by it. Yep, the pain. I mean obviously the pain's going to the pain's always going to be there, but it's like that gravity moment, man, I'll rather feel that forever. Yeah, you know that feeling all day, every day. I'm ready for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but like I said, there's a lot to do yet and I'm ready.

Lena:

I didn't even know if you'd be here, like a year later. You know, like when we heard what was happening last year, we didn't even know if we'd still have you here. Wait, last year yeah, last year, when you were supposed to come on the podcast last year. Oh, didn't even know if we'd still have you here. Wait, last year, yeah, last year, when you're supposed to come on the podcast last year.

Speaker 4:

Oh yeah, man, you know like it's.

Lena:

I was still spinning out it's like a miracle that you're still here right now. And when we saw you last week, we're like come on the podcast, yes, I'll be there. And it was like wow, you know. And for you to be sitting here now, from where you were with PTSD coming back, really just spiraling out, waiting to just leave, end it and be able to make a U-turn and be able to say maybe there is something here for me.

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Lena:

That's a miracle. I hope you realize that that is a miracle.

Noel:

So proud of what you've done. Yeah, how much you've grown.

Lena:

Imagine, yeah, you right now, speaking to the version of you 18 months ago, 24 months ago, like what would you say to him from where you are right now, the perspective you have right now? What would you say to Chad when he's like he's on the floor, you know he's there's no hope. What would you say to him?

Speaker 4:

Let me just sit with you for a bit. Yeah yeah, loneliness is a hard thing.

Noel:

Yeah, you got to be present with yourself and a lot of times we try to drink or find some some kind of substance to numb that. You know what I mean. But that was taken away from you and you had to go through it, but it's forced you to grow exponentially.

Lena:

Put down some new roots.

Speaker 4:

Hopefully.

Lena:

It's all available to you.

Speaker 4:

I know that now At least. I mean, I was so tired of fighting, you know.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

But I was fighting to live. Now I'm fighting to grow, so it's all right. Yeah, I think that's a. I'll fight for that every day every day I'm shuffling.

Noel:

Oh, that's what she said every day I'm shuffling. That's his new theme song, that's gonna be your ringtone, that's tight yeah, oh, we're super proud of you I appreciate that you know I hate taking compliments too.

Speaker 4:

You know I was never one of those dudes, but you know you really got to take it in, receive it, because people really mean that shit sometimes, you know.

Speaker 3:

Mm-hmm.

Noel:

Deep down, you really want people to see you. Yeah, for sure, dude, and we're talking to you because we see you, but you haven't always received it. You knew it though.

Speaker 4:

I did.

Speaker 3:

Real recognize real man.

Speaker 4:

What do you want your family to know? I don't know yet. I just want my mom to know. I'm trying.

Lena:

You're showing up.

Speaker 4:

it's all beautiful damn, this is better than therapy. I hate therapy.

Lena:

I like breath work I gotta try that you know you. I gotta try that you know you do.

Speaker 4:

I gotta try that.

Lena:

Yeah, there's so much. There's so much more life, love, experience available to you. On the other side of this, you know growing through this pain and you're willing to show up for it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Man Took a long time to get there.

Lena:

Time's not real.

Speaker 4:

Day, two days, whatever.

Speaker 3:

Two years.

Lena:

What do you want people to know that are either going through what you went through, what you're going through, what you're growing through.

Noel:

What doesn't help when you're going through that.

Speaker 4:

Uh not being genuine. I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if you love me. Just tell me. Masters, I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if you love me, just tell me. I don't like LA. I hate LA, but I was riding up there just to see my homeboy, but it was like I was walking into a play or something. You know what I mean? I just man. I can't expect everybody to be. You know people live their lives. You know some have a hard, some people have it worse than me, but I just don't feel like masks are necessary.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

It's more of an acceptance thing. I guess I just don't put too much effort into that anymore.

Lena:

Just to be yourself. What else is there to do here, you?

Speaker 4:

know, if you're not being accepted as yourself, what the hell are you being accepted for?

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

An account, a role we're playing. You did that dance really well. Here's 2,000 likes oh, I must be loved, fuck that. I mean no hate. Be loved, fuck that. I mean no hate on whoever fucking does that, but I don't, I just, I just don't, don't bring that. What is it? Ingen, disgenuine, ingenuine, disingenuous. I'm for the Southeast, alright, yeah, but you know, people can see, I mean, people understand when you're genuine or not.

Lena:

When you're authentic.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, absolutely. And so some people will just brush it off and not say nothing. Some people are like okay, and then they'll talk shit behind your back. Just say it to my face, man.

Lena:

Say what you're saying, Say what you feel, real talk yeah now some people.

Speaker 4:

You know maybe they don't want to do that because you know they're not used to that kind of thing. But I don't want to waste time.

Lena:

I've wasted enough yeah, show up real, let me sit with you. Yeah, wasted enough. Yeah, show up real. Show up real, let me sit with you.

Noel:

Yeah, let me just sit with you Probably would have been helpful. Just to sit, kick it, not even talk.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah, because when you're that alone, you just want somebody.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

I don't want to talk to you, but I just need somebody there, you know.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Because when you're alone, man, shit goes fucking haywire.

Speaker 4:

For me especially, so it's really just someone's like genuine presence yes, because most of the time people disappoint me with their words because it's either you know a lie or it's a. You'll be up here tomorrow, or for sure I'll give you a call, or some stupid shit like that. Just sit there, sure I'll give you a call, or some stupid shit like that. Just sit there, man, I know who you are, otherwise I wouldn't let you sit next to me. Just sit there, and we could just be together at the same time.

Lena:

Yeah, so that's what's helpful. Yeah, being genuine, giving time presence space.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, being genuine, giving time, presence, space.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah, I don't need people to ask me how I'm doing, because I know how I'm doing. Do you really want to know when was the last time you called me? When was the last time you talked? You know what I'm saying. It's those things that run through my mind, and I don't want to give fake answers either. It's hard for me. You know what I'm saying, so I kind of just stay quiet nowadays.

Lena:

You know what I mean. What are you learning in your silence?

Speaker 4:

people will tell you everything about themselves without telling you anything about themselves like not with words, but with no.

Lena:

With words they with words.

Speaker 4:

Just listen to them tell stories to other people and different people, and how they tell the story. Do they change it with this guy? Do they change their voice? Do they change how they speak? You know what I'm saying? Change their vernacular, whatever. And then so if I want to ask them something, I know the time, the place, who to do it with, around the real truth or how fake they are or how real they are.

Speaker 3:

You know what I mean.

Lena:

Yeah. So it sounds like the thing that you value most, like we're talking about, is just being genuine, even if it's broken, even if it's, you know, doesn't? They don't have the right words to say, they don't know the answers, they don't have a solution, but they're just there, like that's something that you value, something you feel like you can trust.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I mean the fact that you already came over. Cool, I don't need the small talk. I don't need the small talk, man, Because you know you go through stuff and other people might go through the same stuff, but it's all different the way you take it, the way you see it, the way things happen. So you might have been through the same kind of situation, but you don't know exactly how I'm feeling. Don't tell me. You know how I'm feeling. You know what I mean.

Lena:

I think sometimes people just don't know what to say.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, then don't say anything, Just don't say anything, just sit, just sit there, man.

Lena:

Just be there.

Speaker 4:

But I also understand that. You know people, they're comfortable with it.

Lena:

They live their life that way.

Speaker 4:

Okay, that's cool you know I'll stick with my circle. I'd rather have. You're looking for something deeper. I'd rather have four quarters than 100 pennies.

Lena:

You know I mean, yeah, what does this um next year look like for you? What are you looking forward to?

Speaker 4:

oh boy um my disability. Oh boy, my disability. I finally put in for it because I felt like I was disrespecting complaining about being alive For the PTSD, yeah. Yeah, so that and.

Speaker 4:

That's taking care of yourself. I didn't see it that way. And they only throw medicine at me all the time. They don't even know what they're doing. They're like, oh, here, try this. And I'm like, oh, it makes me groggy, I don't even feel like myself. Oh well, let's try this one. Like you know what I mean, yeah, and then I had the psychiatrist or whatever. She was just handing me like like pills and stuff, and the therapist was like it was all like the army again, you know. And then I missed like I was late five minutes to this thing. She's like well, if you want another thing, you have to pay me a hundred bucks. I was like what?

Lena:

Quit. That's like a broken system, yeah.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know, I find talking to people that I consider not saying that they are. You know that I'm the judge of that, but that I consider for myself to be helpful and real. I could be real with you, you be real with me. That's cool, you know, and if you slip up or I slip up, then call each other out. No, we're good, but I'd rather have no conversation than a thousand minute conversation with somebody who's saying anything. Yeah.

Lena:

So deepening connections with people that you value, I want to talk to somebody, soul man. Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, Like with that one. I don't know what happened there that was a soul connection or something but I feel like I I deserve this one though.

Lena:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

I just got to treat her better, yeah.

Lena:

And treat yourself better.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, that too.

Lena:

You know, you can only meet people at the depth you've met yourself.

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Lena:

So, in order to show up in those relationships that you want to have, it's like having that relationship with yourself, that truth with yourself, that forgiveness with yourself, that truth with yourself, that forgiveness for yourself, that love for yourself.

Speaker 4:

The forgiveness part. That part I think I got, but the loving part Still working on that, still working on it, still working on it. We're still getting to know each other. You know what I mean. Yeah, might be a dick or something Courting him. We're still getting to know each other. You know what I mean. Yeah, might be a dick or something Courting him.

Lena:

You're still getting to know yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, you're still getting to know who you are. Yeah, I am Without the distractions, without the distortions and rediscovering that relationship with you is what can make those other relationships that you have so much stronger and deeper.

Noel:

You got to want to date you.

Lena:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

I mean I am sexy dude, no, but I mean the communication thing.

Lena:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

For what I? I'm a pretty good communicator, I believe. So I'm working with her on communicating to each other so that she can hear me the way, or I can speak to her the way she needs to hear it, instead of the way I want to say it. You know what I mean, and vice versa. Yeah, and then you know, try not to jump off the handle, like you know, right, Right, when something pisses me off or something like you know what, what me off or something like you know what? What do you mean?

Lena:

by that I don't, I don't understand. You know what I mean. Yeah, to really communicate, not just uh, you know not surface level.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah I want to do all that now and have the problems now and then, so that we could sit and not say anything later on a porch like over here. Yeah, that's what we were talking about. We went out there those are the best times, yeah yeah, I do know that I want peace with her, though, for sure I love that.

Lena:

So, in closing, what let's see Chad. What are the words for anyone that is still struggling or is early in recovery? What words would you want to offer them?

Speaker 4:

It's going to get worse, but the if you lay down, it's going to get worse for everybody else too. Yeah, but once it does get worse, you stand up. The better is way worth it, dude stand up shuffle every day. Dang man, that was a good one well.

Lena:

Thank you so much for coming on today with us absolutely it's just such a pleasure to have you here and such an honor, and you know we're going to do another one. We're going to do another follow-up podcast with you and just see where the learning's been.

Speaker 4:

What do you say about three years no?

Lena:

No.

Speaker 4:

Not that long. That's funny. Yeah, absolutely, I look forward to it.

Lena:

Me too, me too.

Noel:

All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel and I'm Lena.

Lena:

Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.