Let That Shift Go
Welcome to "Let That Shift Go," a podcast hosted by siblings Lena and Noel. Join them on their journey of self-awareness as they delve into meaningful conversations about the human experience.
Lena and Noel have decided to break free from the confines of private discussions and bring their heartfelt, and at times, humorous conversations to the public. They believe that we are all going through the trials and tribulations of life, and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
In each episode, Lena and Noel will explore various aspects of being human, sharing personal stories, insights, and lessons they've learned along the way. From navigating relationships to dealing with challenges, they'll offer a refreshing perspective on life's ups and downs.
Through candid and authentic conversations, "Let That Shift Go" aims to create a safe space for listeners to relate, reflect, and find solace in the shared human experience. Lena and Noel invite you to join them as they embrace change, growth, and let go of what no longer serves them.
Tune in and be part of a community that celebrates the beautiful messiness of being human. Get ready to let go, laugh, and discover that you're not alone on this journey. Welcome to "Let That Shift Go" podcast!
Let That Shift Go
When Your Body Knows Before Your Mind: A Journey Through Abuse and Awakening
"You're not crazy." Three words that changed everything for Hilda Reyes after years of doubting her reality in what appeared to be a perfect marriage. What began as a fairytale romance with a handsome fireman who promised to show her what real love felt like gradually unraveled into a nightmare of gaslighting, betrayal, and physical illness as her body tried desperately to alert her to the truth her mind wasn't ready to accept.
In this deeply moving conversation, Hilda takes us through her journey from being completely disconnected from herself to finding profound healing and self-love. She reveals how childhood trauma and lack of self-worth made her vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation, and how even as her intuition screamed that something wasn't right, she was told by both her husband and a therapist that the problem was within her. The physical toll was devastating – chronic pain, stomach issues, and eventually an autoimmune condition that doctors linked directly to emotional abuse.
The path to recovery wasn't linear or easy. Hilda shares the excruciating process of sitting with her pain rather than numbing it, taking radical responsibility for her own patterns, and using various healing modalities including therapy, breathwork, and plant medicine to reconnect with her authentic self. Perhaps most powerfully, she describes how healing herself also healed her relationships with her mother and daughter, breaking generational patterns of trauma.
Whether you're questioning your own relationship, supporting someone through narcissistic abuse, or on your own healing journey, Hilda's story offers profound insight into how our greatest pain can lead to our greatest awakening. Remember: if your body is telling you something is wrong, listen. You're not crazy. You're enough, and you've always been enough.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift. Let's get into it, and on today's episode I have a very special guest, hilda Reyes. She's a dear friend, client, confidant, all the things, and I really wanted to have her on the podcast today because I think that her story of her own awakening, or how she knew it was time to take a shift, is something that will resonate with many of you. Was time to take a shift is something that will resonate with many of you, and if you've ever questioned your reality in a relationship or wondered if this is what love is supposed to feel like, this one's for you. So welcome, hilda.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me, my dear friend Nina.
Speaker 2:We're both a little nervous because you know, but we're just going to pretend nobody's listening.
Speaker 1:Yeah nobody is, and we're just going to have a conversation like we normally do.
Speaker 2:So I want you, you know. The question is how did you know it was time to take a shift Right and maybe letting us know what your relationship looked like before, in which way, well, the relationship that really kind of emanated. Yeah, this is time. So tell me a little bit about who hilda is and what happened. Who am I now? Well, yeah, who were you? Who are you now? But who were you? What started?
Speaker 3:it. Let's start. Who was hilda? She was lost. It's the best way. Yeah, completely disconnected from herself, okay, um, and that typically tends to happen due to trauma, right?
Speaker 3:so we find coping mechanisms, and that brought me to the hands of the person who brought me to my awakening right yeah, my ex-husband, okay, and um, I will start by saying that I am so thankful for the experience because I love the woman that I've become due to it, right, yeah, so I met this handsome man and my whole life I was never the woman that wanted to get married. That wasn't something that I ever saw myself. I didn't see it in my life. I was a mom. I became a mom when I was a teenager.
Speaker 3:I was a young mom, but even I thought I was more of a hustler per se and I had a personal trainer back then and she kept telling me I know the perfect man for you. He'd be a great provider, he would love you and your daughter. And my mindset was like, no, I'm not interested. I was pretty free spirit and was on my own journey, which was I was just lost. And you know, growing up I come from a Hispanic Hispanic parents and I had had the most amazing parents and they did the best they could with what they knew Right, because we don't have a playbook on how to be a parent.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we kind of just go along the way, and I think a lot of the dynamic that I saw was one of the reasons I did not want marriage. I didn't want to obey a man. I was pretty rebellious my whole life, I was pretty dysfunctional, and so then my trainer introduced me to him and he befriended me on Facebook and started complimenting my pictures. And I mean you do that to a woman that has no self-love and needs outside validation. I mean you're going to feed her ego.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And growing up I really never felt safe. Um, you know, I had all different types of abuse that you can possibly imagine as a child essay, physical, um verbal. So I just never felt safe in general my body, just in life. And I started talking to this man and it was so weird because he made me feel safe.
Speaker 2:And he said all the things you needed to hear, oh.
Speaker 3:God, yeah, I mean seriously, he did. And at that time I was just dating a lot of men. If I'm going to be honest, I got my validation from that and that's where I looked for it and I felt loved. Obviously that's not love, right, but but that's how I felt and I'll never forget. I finally was like you know what, maybe I do want commitment. I'm going to see what this is about.
Speaker 3:So he's a fire, he is fireman, and I remember he was on a fire and I was like, hey, guess what, I'm going to take you up on that date and at this point I was living with my sister and at this point I was living with my sister, I was going to school and I I remember the first time I saw him and I was getting ready and you know, he went to pick me up and I opened the door and, not knowingly, but in my heart it was like this is my door. And not knowingly, but in my heart it was like this is my, this is my husband. And I was like oh, hell, no, no. And I saw him and something inside of me was like this is going to be your husband, not knowing that it was going to be the greatest lesson of my life, and he was everything you can possibly imagine. He was tall, handsome, did everything right.
Speaker 3:I could not find one thing that I was like, oh you know, yeah, and I mean he said everything I wanted to hear. He treated me in ways I had never been treated before.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I literally had a Disneyland relationship where it was just like everything was wow. Everything was wow and I'll never forget we had gone to. I started seeing him. I think it was like August was our first date and at this point point it's October and we had gone to like a haunted hayride thing and we went back to his place and, um, he told me I want you to be my wife. And I looked at him like oh no, I, it scared me. And he was like no, no, I know you're my person and I'm like I barely know this guy, but I mean everything was perfect. I mean he lived in Long Beach, I lived here in Temecula and he would drive like even just to see me for an hour and I'm like man, this guy must really love me if he's doing all this for me and you weren't used to that.
Speaker 3:I wasn't used to that and used to that, I wasn't used to that. And I he's like I told him well, michaela's moving together and then we'll go from there and see he's like, no, I want you to be my wife. And he's like, why don't you want to get married? I'm like because people cheat. You know, nothing is forever and I had that in me, right? Like people cheat, I cheat. I, you know my daughter's father cheated on me and that's all I knew was infidelity. And for me to be able to trust, I mean god, I didn't even trust myself, right? How am I going to trust another human being?
Speaker 3:yeah and he, um, he was like, look, we're going to show the world that this is possible, I'm. And one day he's like one day, you and I are going to be old, sitting down on a balcony on our bench and looking like everything we made at work. He's like let me show you, even if it takes the rest of my life to show you, that love does exist. And I mean, what woman doesn't want to hear that? Right, right, Right, right. And so at that point I was like, okay, I'll try this. Right, he hasn't done anything that I saw at that point. That was a red flag, or actually, now that I look back, they were all there. I just missed them. Yeah, yeah and um, so fast forward. I mean, by June we were married. And I mean, what were the? Because you said, and I mean, what were the?
Speaker 2:because you said red flags were there. What were the little subtle red flags? Even looking back now that maybe you ignored.
Speaker 3:Alcohol was one of them. I figured he's a fireman, they drink, right, no big deal. That's like the only thing I saw, not not knowing long term how that would affect everything. Yeah, um, and I you know and it's so funny because in my head I said boundaries, so it's like you know, we're not going to have friends of the opposite sex. We're going to be very open um things that I ignored. That I will say I'll never forget.
Speaker 3:We moved in together in december and I remember the first night we spent together. I woke up and I was my body, was like what did you do? And I was like what? I was like thinking to myself no, he's perfect, this is what you know, this is great. And then at that point, not knowing, my body started reacting, but I was not, not connected, I had no, I didn't know what. I know now, right, that it was my body telling me this is not safe. But because he brought me coffee in bed, but because he brought me flowers, I mean I did not go without flowers my entire marriage till I knew it was the end, cause he stopped bringing them Right. And then so we got married and that's when the alcohol started kicking in and him drinking more, and you know he was still Disneyland and he was gone a lot. He's a fireman. So when we got together it was just perfect, but inside me kept telling me something is not right, something's not right.
Speaker 2:And you're just ignoring those and I was ignoring it.
Speaker 3:And then there was other cues in my marriage. We became more like roommates. There was no intimacy Right and not to get too personal. But then that affected the way I perceived myself, Because I'm like is there something wrong with me? Does he not find me attractive? Because it was, so you're turning it back on yourself.
Speaker 2:There must be something wrong with me.
Speaker 3:There must be something wrong and I just said, okay, well, everything else is perfect, he's a provider. I mean, he was an incredible provider he was. He would wait up for me at night when I would get home, because back then I was bartending and he would just talk like we became really good friends per se.
Speaker 2:And then, I didn't know, years later, it was due because he had a porn addiction and it sounds like in there there was like this slow um erosion of your own identity. Yes, I confidence your intuition, my confidence, my intuition and my body.
Speaker 3:I developed, um, I was always in pain, I always had stomach issues, and I did not understand why my body was feeling this way and I remember that I started, you know, questioning him like is there something wrong? And he's like man, he's like I do everything for's, like I do everything for you. What more can I do, do you not see? And then in my head I was like no, he's right, he does. I just couldn't understand. I was like well, why are you like this? So the rest of my marriage, I was trying to get back the man that I met, not knowing that I couldn't, because he didn't exist, yeah, but he still did nice things, like he'd go on fires and he'd come back and surprise me whether I was at work or back. Then I was, you know, going to school for a statistician and he would just surprise me with flowers, and so it just lead you to further gaslight your intuition or your own feelings.
Speaker 3:There was nothing this man would not do for me. So then in my head I'm like like, why is my body telling me otherwise so fast forward? I started finding things on his phone. I'm that I would question, and he's like what you're seeing is like basically gaslighting me. But I'm like he's like it's all a misunderstanding and he's like, well, you, now you have to go to therapy, because if you don't fix this, I cannot handle you like this. And I was like so something's wrong with you and I was never this woman before.
Speaker 3:I had never been this woman in any real, any dating that I had, and I could not understand what was going on. And then so I go to therapy and I tell the therapist I am having nightmares that he's cheating. I have nightmares and I don't want to go in detail about his personal life, because he's not here to speak for himself, right.
Speaker 3:But I was telling her everything and she's like listen to yourself. Those are catastrophic thoughts. So not only was he gaslighting me, now I have a therapist gaslighting me and telling me that's due to your childhood trauma, right. So she's like he loves you. I see the way he looks at you and you know we would go in there together and he's like the way this man looks at you. I know how he looks at me, but something is not right. So then it was more focused on I. I was the problem.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:Right, yeah, and then fast forward. Um, one day she's like you know, you guys can just got to get a divorce. And we both looked at her and he's like, well, that's not happening, so fast forward, you know. Um, we didn't go to therapy anymore. So then I found another therapist to go on my own and eventually he came in. And that's when everything really went downhill, because I was gaslit so much by the therapist prior and this therapist was more like okay, something's not right your body.
Speaker 2:She was more of a holistic type she was more like, even considering the somatic experience you were having.
Speaker 3:Yes, okay, and I found some stuff on his phone and I kicked him out and I and he left and my God, was I going through it? Because I felt like an abandoned little girl. I felt alone and he was my per se safe space right in my head, and then I so now there is no safe space.
Speaker 3:Yeah there is no safe space. So I'm back to where I started, but in a different way, because I wanted to feel safe again. I wanted to know that a man loved me, that affection that, hey, you're not alone. And I remember calling the therapist and I started having panic attacks, which I did not have those before. So she was there to call me and guide, guide me through them and let me know you know they're gonna pass, you're not gonna die. So then finally, um, you know, the worst thing you can do is stonewall somebody. And I learned I had never been stoned well before.
Speaker 2:Right where what is stonewalled? What does that mean?
Speaker 3:where they ignore you. Yeah, so then there was nothing more painful than to feel like you're not seen by the person that you literally worshipped. Yeah, because I did.
Speaker 2:I did so. It was a complete withdrawal of affection.
Speaker 3:Yes, it was like yeah. So then I had already talked to the therapist. I'm like this is what I found on his phone and even though I saw it and I screenshot it so that he can't say you're crazy Finally he comes back and he's like you and your daughter, or my daughter, she's. He's like you guys are my world. I cannot live without you In my head. To be completely transparent, I was like you know, the bills are going to be due. He's a provider, you know what? Yeah, and I love him. So I allowed him back.
Speaker 2:And you told me about, like what is the fear of leaving?
Speaker 3:versus the cost of staying the fear. So for one, a lot of things he would. You know, I didn't think much of myself. I got all my validation from the world, yeah. So if he that would just confirm you're not lovable, you're not worthy, you're too much, you're crazy. And that's how I felt my whole life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So I did not want to feel that way. I'd rather live in the hell that I was living than face myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or the unknown, or the unknown.
Speaker 3:Yeah, or the unknown or the unknown. So he, um, he came back and he didn't know that I had already talked to the therapist the whole two weeks he was gone, right.
Speaker 3:So, um, I go to, you know, we go to therapy, and the therapist just asks, acts like she had no idea what was going on. I was like oh yeah, so just to let you know. You know, I found this on his phone and I kicked him out. He's been gone for two weeks and she looks and she's like oh, she's like do you care to explain? And he's like this is all. She, this is a misunderstanding. And she's like no, it looks pretty clear. She screenshotted from your phone. Do you want to talk about this? He's like I feel cornered. This is not okay. I am not a bad guy and I'm done with this. And he storms out. And as he storms out and I run after him, she's like Hilda, I need you to know that you are not crazy. He's hiding things from you and I should not tell you that as your therapist because it's so unprofessional. I just need to know you're not crazy. I want you to go look up covert narcissist. I had not. I didn't know this existed prior.
Speaker 2:You didn't know this term. I didn't.
Speaker 3:So I was like, okay, so I run after him. And he's like, I told you that the guys send me this link and I clicked on it and it's all a misunderstanding. I, this is not what I like, like I, you know, and I'm so confused because in my head, you know, my nervous system is complete dysregulated. I'm like having panic attacks after panic attack, anxiety, my body, I was in pain, I developed intracerebral cystitis. How do we immune? And literally I was bed bound from how horrible the pain was, but just a trauma and everything was manifesting in my body because it was too much for my body to handle.
Speaker 3:And at that point is when I know my marriage went down because, guess what, the mask is off. I no longer worship this man, I no longer admired him like I did at one point. I couldn't, I physically couldn't anymore because the mask was off In my head. Now I'm just trying to grasp the concept of everything of like. Can I work through this? Can you know? I loved him, I per se. He was the love of my life at that point. Right, that's all I knew. He was the first man to ever make me feel safe, even though he was my abuser, right it's so weird.
Speaker 2:He validated you, yeah, he validated everything. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so the rest of the time I'm like do I need to lose weight, do I have to be more attractive to feel better so he can love me again? Wow, right. So I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how can I get this man to love me. So then, finally, he tore his Achilles Right. So for the first time in our every time, every time we were married all those years, guess what? Now we have to be together because he can't go to work. Yeah, there's no hiding.
Speaker 2:There's no hiding yeah.
Speaker 3:Then I realized at that point that he really had addictions.
Speaker 3:And then, moving forward, months later he tore his Achilles. In December came March, he um, he stopped by me flowers, so I knew he was done trying, because he's like I remember we were coming down from Oceanside and he was driving and he tore his Achilles and there was like a collision and he I think this is when it really hurt his ego and and he's like I'm done with you With his torn Achilles he went and he saved the guy's life. The car was flipped over, pulled the guy out and here he is in his boot, right. And when we got home he's like did you see what I did? I was like, yeah, you saved the guy, good for you. So do all the other firemen. Right, I mean, that's your career. Right, I mean you did something, you saved this guy's life. He's like you're not gonna tell me, papi, I'm so proud of you. Well, I'm proud of you. Yeah, that's nice, right, but that is part of your job.
Speaker 3:And he was so bothered by the fact that you weren't gonna feed his, that I no longer fed his ego, that he treated me, that he did not talk to me. When I see he didn't talk, I would help him. You know, get up and down the stairs, get his clothes. He would not talk to me and, oh my God, inside it was like I was dying yeah, the worst pain ever. And I would be like I love you, can we just talk? At this point it flipped. He knew how to manipulate me for me to come back in and he was just going to like feed that, yeah, and then fast forward. And one night I caught him on the phone and which was the greatest gift ever, I'm not knowing that, he was actually text messaging my best friend of many years and she ended up later admitting to that that it was that they were texting. What I never found out, which none of my business, not right. But that's when he was. Finally I caught him and I'm like what are you doing? And he's like I'm just on the phone talking to a friend and he wouldn't show me the phone, so I remember going to grab it. And he's like this marriage is over. And I figured out he's drunk, he'll get over it in the morning, you know, he took his band off and he's like we're done. And oh my God, I'll never forget. I felt like my life was over. I literally wanted to die. It's the best way. Like I wanted to die.
Speaker 3:And he ended up telling me, you know, at that point I was like I'm just going to give him a space, and we were cohabiting for a little bit and so he found a place to move to and all of a sudden he was really social. I'm like, well, where are all these friends come from? Right, our whole marriage, even socialized, besides what I thought was. And all of a sudden he was really social. I'm like, well, where are all these friends come from? Right, our whole marriage, even socialized, besides what I thought was. And all of a sudden he has all these friends that he's going out baseball. Good for him, right. But everything just changed. And it was so bad friend that it literally killed, almost killed, me.
Speaker 3:I ended up in the hospital for six weeks with a broken heart syndrome, to the point where they had told my daughter, like go love on your mom, because I was so my body was breaking down from all the emotional pain. Obviously it was just pain that I had carried for a long time. He just triggered it even more. And when I was in the hospital he was like I love you and you're my world and I want to make this work and those were the sweetest things to me, because I'm over here dying, because I'm like I lost this person, right, right. And I told him look, I love you too. I am going to go work on myself and you go work on yourself. I am going to go work on myself and you go work on yourself. Fast forward. I get out of the hospital and my friend told me go through all his stuff, like phone, and part of me didn't want to Like I had glimpsed at his phone but, I, never truly went through his phone.
Speaker 3:You think you didn't really want to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so consciously.
Speaker 3:I'm sure that's what it was.
Speaker 2:Because then there's always this deniability maybe.
Speaker 3:So then I go, I'm sure that's what it was. Yeah, because then there's always this deniability, maybe. So then I go, I get home, I go through his phone and I remember, like even my family's like man, he loves you. I remember, like my sister, you know, saying he loves you, but I'm like, no, man, something's off, right, you don't do this to people you love. So, yeah, I found out everything. I mean I found out everything. I mean I found out. So it's so funny.
Speaker 3:I remember going to a pastor for counseling right On how to handle this. He told me your husband has skeletons in his closet that if you knew what they were they would bring you to your knees and break you. And I was like, hmm, can't get worse than what I know. It got worse. My whole entire marriage was pretty much a lie and I thought how can somebody who sees me and loves on me and provides for me live a double life like this? How can you go be with other people and come home to your family like nothing ever happened? And my body literally rejected me. And it was so funny because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me at that point and my doctor wasn't available and I saw his nurse practitioner and I was like I don't want to see her. I was in so much pain, I want to see my doctor. And I'm going to this just to tell you how the body, semantically, just everything, is connected, right, I was so much pain, I'm like, fine, I'll see the nurse practitioner. I mean, what does she know? But whatever you know, whatever they can give me, and she asked me are you having problems in your marriage? And for me, I was like, what is it to you? And I was like, yeah, I think it's coming to an end. She's like, yeah, she's like I think you developed an autoimmune disease. And from the stress, she's like I actually see this a lot when you're being abused by a narcissist. And this is a PA, a nurse practitioner telling me this. Mind you, at this point my mind could not grasp the concept of all this because I didn't. I was not self-aware, I didn't know how it all works together. And so, yeah, so then, moving forward, we ended up I called him.
Speaker 3:Well, first I called one of the women, I went through his phone and I talked to her and I just wanted to confirm, because he would talk to her like six hours a day while I was at work. I'm like man, you don't even talk to me for like five minutes, but you have time. So obviously it was somewhat romantic. It was his, you know, dopamine hit for him or whatever, feeding his ego for a long time. And I spoke to her and I was like, hey, you know, this is so-and-so's wife and um just wanted to come up who this was. And she just knew right away as soon as she picked up the phone. It's like she knew it was me.
Speaker 3:So I remember I called him and he was on shift and I was like look, move, you're dead to me. I talked to so-and-so, I found all the videos, I found pictures and you were dead to me. I'm like how dare you make me think that I was crazy, how dare you? And I'm like like don't ever call me, don't ever look for me. And he never did. And that was it.
Speaker 3:And then, for the first time in my life, I knew that I can no longer go and feed my sexual desires in the sense of coping mechanism. Right, right, go be with somebody else to just To look for the validation in the same way, Validation and not even that but to feed my ego, to feel like I am enough right.
Speaker 3:I was the type of girl that I always had my just-in-case guy, just in case my car breaks down, just in case I'm sick, just in case I need some type of validation. I always did always, and you know I'm not ashamed of that, because that girl brought me to who I am.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I mean this touches on like the sense of radical honesty, yes, like being radically honest with yourself about the ways that you had abandoned yourself.
Speaker 3:Yes, okay. So I remember again. I felt like I was dying. I had just gotten out of the hospital and here I am having to deal with all this and, man friend, he left me with $500. So in my head, like how am I going to survive? It was one of the first thoughts, because I had my daughter right and I've always been my daughter's provider until I got married. And it was, I remember, like my body would shake from the panic of the withdrawals of just everything. And the first time I was like you know what, like the withdrawal of love.
Speaker 2:Of love Of attention, affection.
Speaker 3:Everything, the best way I can describe it. I felt like a little five-year-old girl that was abandoned in the forest and she was alone, and instead of calling my friends, instead of chasing everything that I typically would, I sat alone in my pain, which is something I had never, ever done. I had no idea how to sit with myself, I couldn't, I had too much in me to be able to sit, and I would say that went on for like two years. I isolated myself.
Speaker 2:Wow, what was that like sitting with that Painful God?
Speaker 3:I can cry right now. It was painful. It's the best way. It was a blessing, right, because I learned to. I sat with every part of myself yeah, all of it, and I mean I felt unworthy of love ugly. I mean I remember going to therapy and one of my things was like look in the mirror and say you're beautiful. Because I couldn't even look at myself because I'm like I am this unlovable. Wow, I mean, I had, I developed, I, I had a mental breakdown, pretty much a mental breakdown, and I found an amazing therapist and she actually was different from all the other ones as well, because I remember going in and I was like, okay, I'm ready to talk to somebody about it.
Speaker 3:I couldn't leave my house. I had so much anxiety, fear, fear of the world, because I was like man, this person can me, how much more can the world hurt me? Yeah, I was a victim, right, but I knew that I can no longer go to men for anything in the sense of my validation. I had to look within. There was something in me that was like this is it. We're not doing this anymore. Yeah, and I remember going to therapy. She's like okay, enough about what he did to you? How did you play a part? I didn't do anything. I was faithful. I never cheated. I cooked, I cleaned, I was there for him. She's like no, no, no, no. She's like we're going to gonna look back.
Speaker 2:How did you abandon yourself?
Speaker 3:I, he, I worshipped him. I didn't take care of myself. I did nothing for myself. My whole world revolved around. What does this man need? How can I keep him?
Speaker 2:happy, and if you could do that, then you could control your environment. Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 3:And not only that, I learned that I was a codependent manipulator, so you were learning about your own patterns, yes, which, then, are having you to look at your yes, yes. And not only that, I learned that I was a codependent manipulator.
Speaker 2:So you were learning about your own patterns? Yes, which then are having you to look at your own wounds?
Speaker 3:Yes, and it goes back to, you know, childhood, to my first relationship my daughter's father and then every other relationship after that. And then I realized, oh, I'm not perfect, right. And then I realized, oh, I'm not perfect, right. So on top of everything I had to sit with that, yeah, that I took apart. I attracted this subconsciously. I attracted this man because now I don't need the validation of a man, I, I validate myself, I love myself, I nurture myself.
Speaker 2:But when you're talking about how you attracted it right, Because whatever we think, we're right. Oh yes, Absolutely. So what were?
Speaker 3:the subconscious thoughts. I am not lovable, I am not a love, and he showed me that, yeah, like you literally attracted the thing that would affirm what subconsciously were the feelings Absolutely and how familiar was that to your childhood?
Speaker 2:You literally attracted the thing that would affirm what subconsciously were the feelings. Absolutely. And how familiar was that to your childhood.
Speaker 3:Yes, I had. I felt like I always had to earn my love, even though I'm sure my parents loved, you know, but my parents weren't affectionate. Their parents weren't affectionate. It's a generational thing, right? So so, yeah, and then we dug deeper because I had a mental breakdown. I mean, when you want to talk about having a mental breakdown, I mean, like you were on your knees, I was on my knees. I mean I would lay in bed for days and not get up, only if I had to go work, right. And then, once I got out of that, I had to go work four jobs, because now I got to take care of everything. I had just opened up my business pretty much. I had just opened up my business pretty much. I had my home, I had to take care of my kid, and I'm so thankful for the therapist, because it was at that point that I had to look within and get my power back, because, guess what, I wasn't a victim, it was part of something I created. I created this reality for myself, so moving forward.
Speaker 2:And you know, what I want to even point out is that it's not about, like you, blaming yourself. No, absolutely not. It's really about you taking back your power taking that. Yeah, it's different, it's so different.
Speaker 3:It's me, it's my fault, it's yeah, no, no, no, because that's also victim yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, no, I decided that I was going to look further within and then boom, then we start with all the people that I came across and how I came across you as well.
Speaker 2:What was that journey like, that journey in? Like, what are the things that you found that helped you just to navigate that path? There were so many things, like these wonderful therapists. Yes, I'm so glad you found this. Yes.
Speaker 3:I mean, well, it all stems in childhood, right, if I can change that narrative and work on that, I can pretty much work on everything else, right, but it starts there. You got to go to the root. I have to go to the root. And it's just so funny how God the doing research? I mean, I have a PhD on narcissism now. I mean, if you, I mean I literally like the six months I laid in bed, that's all I did.
Speaker 2:That was your curriculum.
Speaker 3:I've read hundreds of books. I it's just insane what this will do. Right, I'm just, yeah, the motivation was there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the motivation was there. So then I one day I'm sitting down and I have a client come in and I see that she's a coach. And I didn't know anything about coaches, I just knew therapists because that's who I would go to, and the coach was like, oh, I'm an inner child coach. And I was like, hey, I heard about that and prior to something about me, I wasn't much of a crier. It's really hard for me to really cry, right, and I think it's everything I've been through in my life. It's kind of like suck it up, right it's like a vulnerability.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it was really hard for me. It's not safe to be vulnerable.
Speaker 3:So I remember talking to her and then I was like man, I don't want to mix business with something like that. But I was like hey, you know, I literally just heard about this and I would love it. She was so kind. If you ever need somebody, her name's Kalissa, but I can have that information for you guys if needed. But she just focuses this inner child therapy. So she did. You know, I went to her and I'll never forget. She's like well, let's just talk. And I was so nervous because I'm like oh my gosh, this is my client. How embarrassing.
Speaker 3:You know, she's gonna see my vulnerable side and I remember, two minutes in, she asked me a question. She's like, how do you feel? And I was like, oh, that's how I feel. She's like, okay, well, let's dig deeper, and I'm not lying friend, within two minutes I'm in bawling. I was so embarrassed because I was like, how does this work? Yeah, right, and so I did a few sessions, but there's so much more to just healing and evolving and learning.
Speaker 3:And then I remember, uh, moving forward, I met you and I remember coming to you for breath work yeah right and one of the most beautiful things with you is, as soon as I saw you, you felt like a safe space, like, which was very hard for me. Coming from the relationship I came, I was very best way. My nervous system was so messed up that it was hard for me to trust. I thought everybody was out to get me.
Speaker 2:Like gun shy.
Speaker 3:Yes. Yeah, and trusting yourself, yes, yeah, me like gun shy yes, yeah, and trusting yourself, yes, yeah, more than anything. And I remember um coming to you and having my first breath work session and it was so powerful for me, yeah, and I remember I cried oh yeah yeah, and I mean just to be able to feel, to really feel things that I've been holding on because therapy didn't help me with that part. Therapy is great I'm not bashing it but it's a different world when you just don't really talk and you just go within.
Speaker 3:It's just somatic and just allow your body to feel, to feel things and process without words, really yes, without words, and um, then, um, I just remember telling you how you feel. And you're like, yeah, this is how god intended us to feel before life happened to us. And I'm like, can I be in this like every day forever? Right, yep, and then, and then that's when my other, where I started evolving on a whole different level.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you're building new beliefs about yourself, about myself and your self-worth.
Speaker 3:Yes, not to get corny here, but I always say I will forever be thankful because you helped me with that well you had to be willing to go in.
Speaker 2:It's not easy.
Speaker 3:No, let me tell you, it's not, it's definite.
Speaker 2:It's simple, but not easy.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I just remember like starting coaching with you as well, and that's when I did another coaching and then I did coaching one-on-one with you and it was just beautiful. I learned so much more about myself and breaking patterns.
Speaker 2:Yeah, recognizing patterns, recognizing, becoming aware of patterns yes, is really like the gateway, because if you're aware of something, then you can make a choice.
Speaker 3:Yes, because even with the relationship, I knew I had patterns. But, man, those patterns linger and they branch out to different areas of my life. Yeah, not just romantically. Yes, and it's so linger and they, they're the grandchild of different areas of my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not just romantically.
Speaker 3:Yes, and it's so funny because I always keep this on my mind. I remember coming to you and venting and you would just smile, never judging me, like that's the type of love everybody should have. Yeah, just looking at somebody and being like it's really a journey. It is, and I think it will always continue to be, because you will always be healing parts of yourself and different awakenings, right. So I remember I started coaching. I did more breath work with you. I did more breath work with you and you know, during my breath work sessions I would different visuals would come up, things that I was working through, a lot of like my essay as a child, a lot of limited beliefs. You know I also was in a. You know I'm a survivor of domestic violence and all those things were coming in. But I remember that we talked about ayahuasca and I think that was my next. Yeah, Right.
Speaker 2:The next catalyst on your journey.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, and you know I worked with you till that moment and I think at that point is when everything was like it's like the blindfold came off. It was clear. It was clear and I remember obviously conservative christian background, things I probably would never do, but my soul was like that.
Speaker 2:you need this yeah, and I really felt like at that time you know, once we'd been working together for a while and I remember you asking me about ayahuasca and one I will never like recommend.
Speaker 3:No, yes, right no, because now I know why yes.
Speaker 2:Because no one can lead you to the altar.
Speaker 3:You have to be the one that says this is.
Speaker 2:I need this. You know, I'm afraid even, but this is so important for me. But I think that you had finally been able to hear your own self. There was a reconnection to your spirit, to your truth and trusting your body.
Speaker 3:Yes, absolutely Trusting your intuition. Yes. And as I started working on myself, I started seeing different things about myself in areas of my life Like this is probably the first time. I'm going to say this out loud, right. Due to my sexual abuse as a child by multiple people, I had a thing where it was so hard for me to be affectionate with my own daughter. I love you, baby, and I'm sorry for that, but I never realized that that kept me from truly getting close to my daughter or to my own child, because of the shame, the abuse I endured, the stories I created around that. Right, that's one of the things I did notice. Another thing I didn't want to have resentment toward my parents. Yeah, I didn't. Yeah, and even though I wanted to love on my parents, there were still parts of me like a block a block yes, and I'll never forget.
Speaker 3:I remember, right before I went, I actually told my mom I was gonna go do this and my mom's like I hope they fix you. And I was like, wow, this is where I'm going, ma'am, because of you. No, I'm just kidding and I just remember. Okay, I'm going to go. I didn't know what to expect. Yeah, nothing can prepare you, yeah.
Speaker 2:Nothing.
Speaker 3:Nothing in this world and I am thankful for the journey with you and you leading me, you know, like kind of mentally preparing my body right, my soul for this, for somewhere for it to land. Yes, and even at that you know you still Still, yeah, so I remember going and I just knew that there was still some stuff left.
Speaker 2:Residue.
Speaker 3:Residue as much as I prayed was in my word. It's like it's so deep in your soul, yeah, and sometimes we're just really not that aware. But because I had worked a lot on myself, I knew there were still things that I had to dig deeper. Right, and here I am. I'm with me in Costa Rica, and what to expect? No clue One. And with me in Costa Rica, and what to expect? No clue One.
Speaker 3:I'm not very social. I mean, I'm socially at work. People probably be surprised, but outside of work, introverted, extrovert, extroverted, introvert. So here I am, traveling outside the country by myself, to a place that I have no clue. But my soul is like we're doing this and we're not leaving till you clear all this stuff out of your system, right, generational stuff, generational trauma. So here I am, I go and you know they have, like you do, a wasp for four days. It's like an all night thing, right, all night ceremony. And in my head there's a lot of thoughts. I'm battling, you know. Does God want me to do this? Is this okay with God? And you know? And it's like god created everything and it brings you closer because it clears the sin the shame that blocks you to connect to your higher source.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know so I. I go in medicine and you know they tell you on your first day it's like um, show me who. I've become ouch careful, what you. You say, right, because here I am. I've done a lot of inner work.
Speaker 2:Years, years yes.
Speaker 3:Um, really deep. You know, when I started coaching one-on-one and other coaching I did and, but nothing can prepare you. Oh my God, like. I remember going in and you know I'm with a bunch of people. I'm pretty nervous, I don't know what to expect. I take the first cup of medicine, I lay down and I'm like, oh, nothing's happening. So they did the second call. I go, I lay down and oh, there it goes, and right away it was I and I saw myself be born and it was like beautiful. I saw my dad, my mother, I saw how they loved on me and I was like, oh my God, this feels so beautiful.
Speaker 2:This is love.
Speaker 3:I am so loved. My parents do love me. It was the first time I truly felt loved. Do love me. It was the first time I truly felt loved. And then my whole life started, you know, playing before my eyes from birth till the moment I got to close, you know, to Rhythmia, and everything was so beautiful, even the trauma as a kid, the abuse, my physical abuse due to domestic violence, just everything. I had no ill feeling towards my life and Mother Aya was like this is life, it's beautiful. It's all those stories you attached to all that that caused you pain, but it's not real. It's there, but it's led you to who you have to become or who you've become. It's a beautiful journey.
Speaker 3:And at that moment it hit me oh, my God, I'm dying. The old self is dying. Yes, the old self. And not only that. I missed too that she showed me who I was and I was like oh hell, no, that's not who I am and it's like no, this is who you are. This is things you've made your family feel, your friends feel, and these are your narcissistic traits, because we all have them, right. It's kind of like we all have different traits that we carry to protect ourselves right, and one for me is I drop every, I'll never talk to people again like bye, and that's not healthy. It also depends, right, what it is, but that was my coping mechanism too. And also rejection. I don't want to be rejected, rejected, so let me reject you first. So she showed me and I was like it was so painful to watch all this right.
Speaker 2:It brought great humility it did.
Speaker 3:It humbled me in a way where it's like, ah, I get it, I understand life. Like for the first time, I'm like I get it. Like I get it, like my life was perfect, perfect the way it was supposed to be, to mold me to the woman that I am now, who I love, right not a victim.
Speaker 3:No, I fought so hard to be this woman. I worked so hard to To heal those parts of myself that were created because of the trauma, right, right. And so then I fell into the pit of hell. I experienced hell and that could be my own life, that I lived in things that I experienced, right. But then I also felt God's love and it was after that like. It was just such a beautiful, painful experience because it brought me closer to myself and a better understanding of myself and things that I had done that I was unaware of.
Speaker 3:Second day, which was this is why it's so important for me to talk about this part was merge me back with my soul, merge me back with my soul, merge me back with my soul. So what happens? When we, when we, endure trauma as children or just in general, it separates us, they create shame. We're split. Yeah, we're split, and I'll never forget that. I started seeing things that I was unaware of of my childhood, that I had blocked, and it was so painful because she was magnifying this right, and I was like, oh my god. And next thing, you know, not only am I watching this, but then I hear somebody in the background screaming and I look back and, as jesus cries, being crucified, and mother aya tells me he paid the price, forgive them. Forgive them, friend. For the first time in my, I was able to forgive my abusers. I forgave my ex-husband, I forgave my daughter's father. It's like a weight was lifted that I didn't even know I was carrying around.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:It was so powerful and the other two days were just. You know, I learned, but the first two were the most powerful. The most powerful and the thing in return. When know, I learned, but the first two were the most powerful and the thing in return. When I came back home, my reality changed.
Speaker 2:How did it change? I mean, is it, I mean I I suspect, like for you, was it? I feel like you learned to trust yourself again.
Speaker 3:I did. I learned to trust myself and I learned to love differently. I no longer I mean. I'm still human, but I function more from my heart than I did logically Right right, right. It like opened the parts of me that I didn't know needed to be open and I'll never forget, like talking with my daughter while I was in Costa Rica, and she's like mom. I don't know why I'm crying, but I am. I didn't know I was healing my daughter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as I was healing my daughter.
Speaker 3:Yeah, as I was healing myself, I was healing parts of my daughter that I didn't even know yeah needed healing, and the way that my life when I came back was different is that my, my mom became my best friend, which is something, yeah.
Speaker 3:I know that was a very powerful piece of healing yes, to heal this actual love from your mom yes, and I remember besides you helping me, by the way, thank you, I will always hold gratitude for you helping me when I got back right to growl and but my mom came and took care of me. And for my mom to take care of me after doing something that's so against right, because my mom's very conservative christian to come take care of her daughter through one of the hardest moments that she'll ever experience, to come back to you know ground herself. And I remember just looking at my mom and I couldn't stop crying because I'm like I love this woman. She gave me life, she gave me the most beautiful and for the first time in my life I saw my mother as a woman and not as my mom. I'm like she has her own stuff yeah, right, and that now my mom looks at youtube videos about this. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:yeah, like people might not realize that. Well, I think she sees the change and can feel the change. This isn't just something you're speaking.
Speaker 3:Because she does tell me I mean, I still have little things that I can work on, right?
Speaker 2:I mean we all do, we're still here. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3:But like I remember, like I look at her and I cry. If I FaceTime my mom, I cry. She's like are you depressed? I'm like no, I just love you. I just love you. So it's a love. You know, I'm 42 now. You know I left my house when I was 15 years old so I had so much resentment towards my mother and so much pain because I wanted her love and her protection. And and now I can lay on my mom's arms and she can hold me. And I know it sounds weird, but it's like I love that. Yeah, I love being held by my mom's arms and she can hold me. And I know it sounds weird, but it's like I love that. I love being held by my mom because I feel safe with her. She's my safe space now and I didn't have that. And now I realize, I notice I can hug my daughter without having any inner shame.
Speaker 3:I can love on my daughter, I can show up for my daughter. You know my daughter. I love how she sets boundaries with me, she tells me how she feels and before I get, I get like, oh, yes. And now, even though you see the importance of it, yes, I see how important it is to validate my daughter's feelings, because she is my world.
Speaker 2:But I think that you had to kind of take this journey and also to validate your own feelings, yes, your own ability to set boundaries, your own ability to love yourself. Yes, really, in order to create that space, oh yeah, with your mom with your daughter.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, and I just feel like you know I'm closer to my family. Um, I love in a very different way and it's just, it's just been beautiful friend.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:A beautiful journey.
Speaker 2:If you could talk to your former self in the midst of that relationship where she was doubting herself and gaslighting herself, what would you say to her?
Speaker 3:You're enough for one. You are loved. You've always been enough, and you have no idea, but this is going to be the greatest gift ever for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like our greatest pain leads us to our greatest awakening.
Speaker 3:It is. I will forever be thankful to this man. Could I have gone without experiencing this? Yes, but guess what? I wouldn't be where I'm at now. I mean, every area of my life has changed drastically. Yeah, I love it. I've met great people like you. I mean just everything in general I have I'm, so I also think it's changed your practice.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, for sure, because I've seen how with you when you work with your own clients one you're a breathwork facilitator now, thanks to you, yeah, and you're amazing, thank you. But I can see how, even when you're dealing with your own clients, who often come to you and they're expressing their feelings and you're looking at their skin, what's really kind of cool about how you treat clients is you look at their skin and can see some of the emotional things that are going on.
Speaker 3:So I can look at somebody's skin and call it a dog's barking.
Speaker 2:No, it's okay, they're just sending their love.
Speaker 3:So I can tell if they're being emotionally abused, I can tell they're highly stressed. I can tell if there's a narcissistic person in their life because of the inflammation. Like people, my whole thing is. Now I look at patterns. Yeah, everything's a pattern, everything, everything. And that's when it's either being repeated or interrupted. Yes, and I mean I've had clients that have left narcissistic relationships and they heal from their skin.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:They don't break out, they don't have inflammation, they don't have gut issues. Um, cause, everything is is one, it's connected. It's connected emotionally, mentally, I hate to say it. I mean pretty much any type of abuse. I can look at somebody's skin and I know most physicians be like she's really out there. But let me tell you, when you really dig deep. That's why, when I have consultations with my clients, I ask them what's your level of stress? And then once I hear I can, pretty much and for whatever reason, typically during the consultation they tell me a lot, you know, but it helps me, because it helps me better help their skin. I can, you know, not just their skin, yes, not just their skin, yes, not just their skin. I mean now I started coaching women as well, along with somatic breath work. So just all this has been an amazing gift in my practice. I just every area of my life well, I want to.
Speaker 2:I want to put some reflections for listeners for sure, right? So there's a version of you listening to this yeah, however many years ago, and here's a couple. If you're in it right now, listen to this podcast and remember what you said. You're enough, you're enough, you've always been enough, you've always been enough. And if you're questioning your reality, listen to this podcast.
Speaker 3:Yes, because, let me tell you, your intuition will never lie to you. Yeah, it is. If you're having an autoimmune disease, it can be due to trauma that you have not processed, or you are being currently abused. Your body will let you know yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if you've just left what?
Speaker 3:Reach out to Lina or I we'll guide you through it. No, go in. Yeah, go in, go in, we will help you go in. It's painful as it is, let me tell you it is the greatest gift. Yeah, because when you come out on the other side you're like oh my God, I did it, it's everything. It's everything Like I understand, I am love, I am enough and I always have been yes.
Speaker 2:What are the? What are the common misconceptions about narcissistic abuse? Narcissistic abuse and healing Like I don't know.
Speaker 3:Huh, it's a great question.
Speaker 2:Those are the things like in the reading that you've done A lot of the misconceptions like when you were talking about that. It's my fault If I could just do this then it'll change the behavior.
Speaker 3:No, let me tell you, love is supposed to feel safe. So if you're in a relationship I mean, I am no therapist, no dating coach but if you're in a relationship and you don't feel safe, let me tell you your relationship is supposed to be your safest space. You're in the most intimate relationship you'll ever be. It should always be your safe space.
Speaker 2:And one is to create that within yourself. Create that within yourself and also see where you're looking outside, to constantly create that? Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 3:I think that's a big.
Speaker 2:That is a big red flag. It's like if you're constantly looking outside to create a safe space. There's something there's a disconnect there.
Speaker 3:Yes, you are your safest space. One of there's something. There's a disconnect there. Yes, you are your safest space. Yeah, One of the best things, greatest gift that you can give everybody around you and yourself, is work on yourself. Oh, that is so true, yeah, that is so true, and I feel like when you do that, your whole reality changes by default. Everything changes Everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:That is the greatest gift.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to put in some journal reflections for people. Okay, perfect, think of any that you want to add, but here are a few. So if you're listening to this and it is really hitting home for you, it's striking a chord, something is resonating for you. It's just to sit down and I want you to ask yourself these questions when have I been gaslighting myself? Yeah, what truth have I been afraid to admit? What does radical responsibility look like in my healing? And radical responsibility is about, like, going all in, like, how have you contributed to the state that you're in right now? It's not about blame, it's about empowerment, taking back your power. And the last question is who would I be without this story?
Speaker 3:Yes, and that's the most beautiful thing. Who would I be?
Speaker 2:without this story and Hilda, thank you so much for being here and sharing such a vulnerable experience, a vulnerable story.
Speaker 2:I think it's one that will help a lot of people and I hope that whoever's listening will send this to someone that they know it will resonate with, and I will have some links to Hilda in the show notes. Her place is called Ethereal Day Spa in Temecula. It's going to be more than about your skin, just so you know. Always it always is, and we will be working together very soon in the future on retreats.
Speaker 3:Yes, I am so excited. I feel like I was allowed to go through this. Yeah, you and I allowed to go through things in life. All of us, all of us. Yeah, it's all your we pay it forward.
Speaker 2:We do, yeah, we do.
Speaker 3:That's what we're here for.
Speaker 2:Just don't be afraid to let that shift go All right.
Speaker 1:That's been another episode of let that shift go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.