Let That Shift Go

Your Worth Isn't Measured by What You Do for Others

• Lena Servin and Noel Factor • Season 3 • Episode 12

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Ever noticed how we're quick to call self-care "indulgent" but consider self-sacrifice "noble"? Something's deeply wrong with that equation, and it's exactly what we're tackling in this raw, honest conversation about why self-love isn't just nice—it's necessary for survival.

Most of us were raised with messages that our worth is tied to what we do for others. We were praised for being the helpers, the fixers, the ones who would "give the shirt off our backs." This conditioning runs deep, often starting in childhood when we learn that love is something to be earned through performance and people-pleasing. As Noel shares his experience of buying throw pillows just because they brought him joy, we explore how even small acts of self-nurturing can feel revolutionary when you've spent your life believing your value comes from serving others.

The truth is that loving yourself isn't selfish—it's one of the most selfless things you can do. When you're not overextended, resentful, and depleted, you become more emotionally available to others. You show up more authentically in relationships because you're not constantly performing. We dig into the psychology behind self-abandonment, offering practical questions to help you identify where you might be outsourcing your worth and how to reclaim it.

What would change if you truly believed you were lovable without having to earn it? In a culture that profits from self-doubt, choosing to love yourself is truly an act of rebellion. Join us as we lovingly get uncomfortable and challenge the notion that we must heal before we're worthy of our own love. Perhaps self-love isn't the reward for healing—it's the fuel that makes healing possible in the first place.

https://www.serenitycovetemecula.com

Welcome and Introduction

Speaker 1

hello and welcome to the let that shift go podcast. I'm noelle and I'm lena and this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between we just talk mad shift let's get into it. And on this week's episode, self-love isn't selfish, it's survival. Yeah, new concept. Yeah, but first let's get into these skin deep cards. You want to go first?

Speaker 2

You want me to go first? Sure, okay. What is one thing you never want me to forget about you? Hmm.

Speaker 1

What is one thing I don't want you to forget about? Me. Gosh, that's hard. It's almost like a legacy thing. I think I guess it would just be my presence and how I showed up for you. I think that's yeah, I think that's what's most important to me is just how you felt I was present in your life. I like that how I showed up.

Speaker 2

It makes me think about this whole concept of self-love.

Speaker 1

Why is?

Speaker 2

that Because the first thing that you wanted me to not forget about you is how you did something for me.

Speaker 1

Oh yeah, the opposite of self-love.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I mean it still, you know, doesn't mean that you don't love yourself, but it's like the first thing you thought about was I don't want you to forget how it felt to have me in your life. You know, and I think it goes perfectly well with the topic we're going to talk about, Okay. Cause I would love to hear you say at one point is I want you, I don't want you to forget how present I was in my own life.

Speaker 1

Ah, okay, I could see that. You know, in retrospect I could see that?

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think it. Just you know how it relates to what we're talking about.

Speaker 1

All right. Well, my question is oh boy. What do?

Speaker 2

you hope your love feels like Did we have this one before? I hope it feels safe. I hope it feels like there's room for you. I hope that it feels like a space for. I hope it feels like a space that you can be completely yourself and know that you're still loved, you're still supported, to feel unconditional Okay.

Speaker 1

I could see that. Yeah. And I'll remember that part. That's what I want you to know. Okay, I could see that. Yeah, and I'll remember that part. That's what I want you to know, okay. So let's get into this topic of self-love. Yes, you know, self-love isn't selfish, it's survival.

Self-Love Isn't Selfish

Speaker 2

Yeah, and what if self-love isn't something you earn after you're healed, but maybe the fuel that makes healing possible? And I think I love that we're going to be talking about this real. It's kind of gritty, awkward, deliberating truth of what it means to love yourself when you're used to outsourcing your worth and so you know whether you're deep in your healing area, you're questioning your relationship or you just cried in a parking lot and called it a breakthrough Not that I know anyone that that's happened to this episode is for you, so let's just let it. Let that shift go, and and we're about to lovingly get uncomfortable- I like that Lovingly, get uncomfortable.

Speaker 1

So let's talk about what is self-love or what isn't self-love, what isn't it?

Speaker 2

I think it's like because I think when people think of self love, they think of things like you know, I got, I went and got a massage, I did that for myself. Or I write post-it notes with like things that say you're amazing, right, All things that are great, but it's not actually. I feel like it goes much deeper. It's not like this. You know toxic positivity.

Speaker 1

So it's not bubble baths and spas, no, I mean that can be part of it.

Speaker 2

I I don't mind those things, but it's really about like just doing something for yourself that, you know, no one else really benefited from, it didn't feel maybe it didn't feel productive. And it's funny because, know, I just did a transformation event and it happened to be all women and the theme that I had decided on to do was self-love, because I think it's something that I think right now it feels like it's coming up a lot for people and really trying to figure out, like, what does that even mean? Because I think many of us have been sort of programmed, you know, from an early age to think that our worth is based on how, on what, we do for other people.

Speaker 1

And that love is earned.

Speaker 2

Love is earned, and so it was a. It was a beautiful topic to cover and I was really moved by how many of the women there were like I don't even know. I don't know what that would mean. Like you know, we're so used to like taking care of everyone else. We get so wrapped up in what our roles are, men and women. Right, I'm a father, I'm a mother, I'm. My job is this.

Speaker 1

Whatever we define for ourselves, as a man, as a woman, a mantle of being who we are.

Speaker 2

Yeah, is a lot of times based on how productive we are, how we showed up for other people, and so we get a sense of value and worth around that and we'll go into later why. Psychologically, that is something very deeply subconscious that happens very early on in childhood, based on how you were parented and all of that Mm-hmm in childhood, based on how you were parented and all of that. But one of the things that I suggested to you know, a recent client at this retreat was like what if self-love was doing something for yourself that no one else benefited from? You know that you just did for you and that might just be rest. Yeah, it might just be to be able to give yourself a break.

Speaker 1

It might be just putting your feet in the ocean.

Speaker 2

Just take yourself out. You know somewhere, and I mean I know, for me it's like for years. You know we've talked before about how rest feels kind of risky, you know. So if I would, if I wanted to watch a show, I would be like, well, I can fold the laundry at the same time, cause then I feel like I'm not lazy, you know, to just sit down and not actually be doing something, um, but it's, it's kind of like a hard turn, like to be able to not feel bad about just doing something for yourself that no one else benefits from. So you know, whether it's reading or just something really simple, it doesn't have to be some grand gesture.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I mean, recently I realized something that I did out of self-love, just by chance, and I had been wanting to put a bunch of pillows and make my bedroom look like a hotel room, like when I come home. I want it to look just like what a hotel room would look like, because it feels inviting and it doesn't feel like chaos. And so I decided you know what? I'm going to go on Amazon. I'm going to buy a bunch of pillows and stuff like you, like your bedroom or Andy's house.

Breaking the People-Pleasing Pattern

Speaker 1

I just felt like my sisters have rooms that look like model homes and I've always wanted that but for some reason I just never did it for myself. And one day I decided to go on Amazon and I ordered pillows and throw pillows and fluffy, just textured pillows and a new comforter and all these things. And when they all came in I couldn't wait to put my bed together, put it all together, and I realized the next day, when I was making my bed in the morning, I was like this is just for me. Yeah, nobody cares, nobody's telling me make your room, make your bed. Like when I was a kid, things I interpreted self-love as like a chore, like brush your teeth, that's self-love, like that's taking care of myself, that's giving myself. You know love generally, but you know just this act of buying and making my room. And then I realized I go wow, it makes me so happy, just to see this.

Speaker 2

The ultimate self-love is throw pillows.

Speaker 1

Yeah, and I didn't realize it was just something so simple, it's just for me, and every day I make my bed just for me and I go, wow, that's self-love. And now I'm starting to build on those and look for those things. So there may be little things that you do that don't have to be I don't know something special, but if you can notice something that you can do that makes you feel joy, or yeah, it makes you feel joy, there's the clue.

Speaker 2

Because so many of us are like doing things all day long, constantly to tick the box, that there are responsibilities, there's roles, and you sort of can get into this deep routine of like that's what life is. So one is just to be able to think, like what am I going to do? That is just for me, like for you it's throw pillows, right.

Speaker 1

Of course.

Speaker 2

But it's something like here's the thing. I like it because those pillows are non-functional. You're not going to lay on it and support your neck or whatever I mean. And they they look nice, they're soft. It really is not something that you have to have in there in order to survive, like you know the throw pillows are something that just makes you feel comfortable and for you it brought you joy to be able to look at that and know this is a welcoming, safe, comfy space.

Speaker 1

I wonder if, like, there's cause. My question is, as you were saying, that I was thinking about things that bring me joy and things that I do to distract, and I feel like this is something that brings me joy, that it's not for a distraction, or does that make sense, Cause when you were talking about, like, watching a show or doing that, I feel like sometimes that's I don't know if that's self-love for me.

Speaker 1

When you were saying that, I was like I don't know that's self-love for me. When you were saying that, I was like I don't know, Maybe that's because I have you know, my worth is tied up in what I'm doing and I feel bad about sitting and doing nothing, you know?

Speaker 2

Yeah, that could be part of the story, but you know, it's not necessarily that like watching the show, or it's like you know, whatever it is, I think that it's when you recognize that you want to do something, but then you talk yourself out of it because you should be doing something else. You know what I mean. Maybe there's just an act of like, something that's self-indulgent, that's just nurturing for you, but I think that we forget that we can put ourselves on the top of our priority list. It seems like many of our priority lists include everyone else and responsibilities and roles, and doing something for yourself seems so, I don't know, unimportant sometimes. Or you think, well, I can do without it. You know I don't need that, I don't need the extra time, and but it also can be, you know, saying no to something that you don't want to do.

Speaker 1

Yeah, that's, you're right, that's. That's a good point. Like saying no to something is is an act of self-love. Yeah. Cause that's something that you know. When it ties into codependency, I started to realize, you know if, if the self-love is like a bank that I'm building for myself. I find I found that, you know, because of the codependency in my everyday relationships, even with work it doesn't matter really where it's at that I'm constantly over-functioning and over-giving to prove my worth.

Speaker 2

Ah see, yeah, that's a good one. And I think, when we're able to, many times we'll say yes to something we don't want to do out of fear of being misunderstood, right? Or think, or somebody saying, oh you, you're just, you don't care, you're not a nice person, you don't care about it. And that's not the case. Maybe it's just something you really don't want to do, and that that ultimate act of self-love is to say no, I'm not going to go. You know, for example, like when you start on your healing journey and like, maybe drinking alcohol or you know whatever, partying, I don't know, whatever it is, it's like it just really doesn't align, it doesn't nurture me.

Speaker 2

I'm going to say no to that and maybe you invite them out to do something else. But it's that is an act of self-love, and you could either abandon yourself and say, yeah, I'm just going to go do it Cause I don't want them to think badly, or you can say no, to say yes to yourself, you know, and risk that being misunderstood.

Speaker 1

Yeah, Because I find, like you know it, with the, if I don't give myself those self-love moments, I build up animosity to the people around me.

Speaker 1

Because I feel like I'm giving and giving and the resentment's building or maybe it's not even a resentment I just feel overwhelmed, like I'm doing too much. I've got so much on my plate and I've got this next job or my kid's got the next question and I don't have this emotional capacity for it. But I'm I've never taken the time. I've never taken the time to realize that the reason for pot, the one of the reasons that I don't have the capacity, is because I'm not giving myself yeah the love I'm not creating you're not filling up your own cup.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I'm pouring my cup into other people and then wanting the reciprocity and having that come back. And if it doesn't, or if I feel like it's not in any way, then I feel like some of this resentment. So the codependency part nobody's asking for me to pour the love into them. I'm doing that to prove worth and that's what I realized is asking for me to pour the love into them. I'm doing that to prove worth and that's what I realized. So the switch for me has been to all of this over-functioning and over-loving, Over-giving, Over-giving, you know switching some of that and focusing it more on me. But I don't even it's a new process for me because even like this Does that feel selfish?

Speaker 2

Does it feel selfish to you?

Speaker 1

It did. Yeah, at first it was like, ah, you know, should I spend this money first? It was a monetary thing and it's like I don't really need to, it's not? You know, I go into a whole frugal thing of if is it necessary, is it necessary?

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And so, yeah, there's a lot of things that were maybe stopping me for doing that but, those things that are self-love. It's a difficult task.

Speaker 2

It's like a new territory.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's a new exploration into like kind of like, my expansion and growth in myself. Right now, I feel, is mostly or not mostly, it's. You know. I think I've told you, we've talked. I felt like right now I'm in a place where I've been a student for so long in this, you know, health and wellness and trying to better myself.

Speaker 2

The world of healing, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1

But it's time to take action, kind of a thing, you know.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1

It's time to take the test. I've been studying for the SATs, trying to make sure I know everything possible before I make the step to better myself, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2

Or take the steps I know I need to take yeah, I've been putting off taking the test you know what I mean.

Speaker 1

Yeah and these little things um the switch to realizing the self-love has kind of been a pivotal point, or you know, a real hard stickler point for me, and I feel it's been making the most difference though well, the other thing is to really understand, like why, you know, why is this self-abandonment like the default Right?

Small Acts of Self-Love

Speaker 2

Why is it? Our first instinct is to, maybe, you know, say yes to the thing we want, to say no to, or to overgive or overdo.

Speaker 1

Well, I think for me it's, you know, growing up in a household where I was where I felt like I had to be the emotional fixer. I had to be this smooth over. I had to kind of see what the room was and do what I could to kind of smooth things over. So I would-.

Speaker 2

And that becomes like a role.

Speaker 1

That became my role, yeah.

Speaker 2

And then you get praised for like, oh man, he's so strong, he just he's always there. If you give the shirt off his back, you know, and it's like, okay, that's a good thing, right, that's who I am. It comes. Badge of honor.

Speaker 1

And then our parents even will use this like, oh you need to talk to your brother, you know?

Speaker 2

or, conversely, I ended up feeling like I didn't get the help or the presence from my parents but it was because they felt that I had everything together, because I was being the fixer and I was pretending like I was fine.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and that's a role we get stuck in. So I think that's where it started. There's this. I think it's like the conditioning that happens, you know, when we're young. So many of us were taught like be nice, be small, be needed, and that will equal that you will be lovable, right? So if you'm nicer, if I'm needed, then I get love.

Speaker 2

But the moment that I am perceived as not being nice, by saying no, that I'm not small, I'm maybe making myself bigger, you know, by standing up for myself or taking a new route or whatever, going against the grain myself or taking a new route or whatever going against the grain. Or if I have to say, no, I can't fix that for you, am I suddenly not lovable? I mean, I think subconsciously we can draw that conclusion. And so when this whole topic about self-love comes up, it's like how do you even do that? I wouldn't even know where to start.

Speaker 2

If that's my programming Right, because it's it's part of like it can become, you know, part of our childhood survival, because we will trade. We will trade authenticity meaning authenticity, authenticity being like I'm acting in the way that is most aligned for me, for who I am to express who I am to express who I am. If I do that, I risk attachment. If I say the thing, if I'm too big, if I am perceived as not being nice, I risk attachment from my parents, from my peers, whatever that is. And so there's this like nervous system, you know, becomes familiar with that and anything other than that does not feel safe. So here we are trying to sort of reprogram really deeply. You know, childhood experiences.

Speaker 1

We're almost like not reprogramming. I feel like I recreated it.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you have to create a new neural pathway in your own brain and one of the things that you know Gabramate says he talks a lot about attachment versus authenticity, and he talks about how, when we're forced to choose, children will always choose attachment because survival depends on it. So, as very young children, we learn this trait of being able to self-abandon in order to, one, regulate the people around us or to make sure that we're going to receive love, acceptance, inclusivity in the family or in our society. So I think it's learning about new ways to you know, come home to yourself, and one of the things was really powerful that one of these lovely women said was I. It's like I want to just come back to myself. Like you know, I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm an employee. I do all of these things, but I forgotten who I actually am. Like, what do I want? Yeah.

Speaker 2

Nobody really asks that anymore, and even you know, sometimes when I meet people or I'm working with someone, I say what do you want? You should see the looks on their faces. It's like, what do you mean? What do I want? Like, what do you want? Well, I want everyone to be happy around. No, no, no, what do you want? What would you? How would you like to spend your time? You know, I'm not saying you abandon your family, nothing like that, but it's that you have to start asking yourself what do you want? And even as a mom like that's a beautiful thing to teach your child is to let them know that what they want is important, what they feel is important, who they are is important as an individual, not just what you are able to do.

Speaker 1

I believe that's the most important lesson you can pass on to your kid is how to love themselves.

Speaker 2

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1

Because there's going to be plenty of times when we're loving on them, but there's going to be a moment when they don't feel loved.

Speaker 2

Oh yeah, you know, it was really beautiful.

Speaker 2

I had a mother and a daughter there and the daughter was 14 and the mom brought her and I just thought, man, this is so beautiful that you're here at such a young age with your mom who's, you know, like close to my age, with your mom who's you know, like close to my age.

Speaker 2

And we've as women you know older women we've had to go through relationships and extreme highs and lows and figure out, oh my gosh, I've been trying to people please my whole life and that has cost me emotionally and now, and trying to repair that right. But to have to be at that point and bringing your daughter in at such a young age to say, yeah, that you don't have to do that, like it's okay to actually love yourself not at the expense of yourself, you know, for everyone else. And I think if that's something we can teach our kids, I mean, how much better would that be, you know, and not not creating like a selfish society, but being able to have people who feel whole, you know, to be able to show up fully as they are, because, honestly, it's all the world wants, it's all the world needs is our, our authenticity.

Speaker 1

Well, I think that's the scary part, because you know, you just touched on it. It's like we this shift into loving ourselves. The battle is feeling selfish, like what I'm going to do is going to be perceived as selfish, but this is what I need.

Speaker 2

And it's really one of the most selfless things you can do, because when you're not so just full of stress and overgiving and resentment which can build with all of that, you actually can become a more present person, you're more emotionally available because you've made yourself emotionally available to yourself. And you know, we've talked about many times and you hear everybody say you can only meet someone as at the depth that you've met yourself. And so I think it's, I think it's a a worthy endeavor to just start start asking yourself like what do I want? What do I want? That doesn't have to do with how other people perceive me, right, that, what is, what is, what is the thing that I want when I'm able to just feel joy, or and it's not so that it's productive for someone else.

Speaker 2

Um, and maybe there's a point now where we just start to get curious because I know if someone's listening to this, like you know, we've all been there but just instead to just get curious about why you do the things you do. Why do you people? Please, right, instead of criticizing yourself, this is not a time for you to be like, yeah, I do that and let's beat you up about it.

Speaker 1

Yeah, cause that's a that's a crucial component too, because when we get into this self-healing and that's what I feel like I've done a lot this last three years is really self-criticism. And you almost have to be angry and feel the shame and the guilt to move through some of those things.

Speaker 2

Yeah, really get to the root of why shame and guilt are there.

Speaker 1

But I haven't yet started to love those parts of myself. Does that make sense? I mean, it's not about loving the parts that were you know, that were bad or that I didn't, I wasn't happy with, but just loving, being compassionate and giving myself grace through for the things that I've done, or I could have done better all those things.

Speaker 2

Yeah, that's so true. It's like meeting those wounded parts of yourself, your inner child, your teenage self, the version who first felt you know not enough.

Speaker 1

Do you think that you know a lot of us try to reach that inner child and heal that inner child. But a thought just came across my head that maybe I'm angry at that inner child because that inner child somehow represents the past me who did all those things in a way. Does that make sense? I don't know?

Speaker 2

No, I don't know. What do you mean? I'm trying to figure that one out. Why do you want to be mad at your inner child?

The Psychology of Self-Abandonment

Speaker 1

It's not like that I'm mad. It's almost that I have animosity, in a sense, like it's the reason. What's? Maybe I'm just thinking of reasons why maybe I hesitate for the self-love. Why am I so unwilling?

Speaker 2

If it's, it seems like an obvious maybe asking why is it hard to receive it? Yeah.

Speaker 2

You know, like for any child, your inner child, any child why is it hard for that inner child to receive it? I mean, that's where you start to trace back to the root, like don't stop it, being mad at the inner child or mad at yourself. It's like, okay, but don't stop there. Why are you mad at that part? Why? And instead get curious again with compassion why was that hard for you to receive that? Why was it hard for you to do something different?

Speaker 1

Yeah, so less than the inner child, but the past self, I think. I think, that's why it seems so off. I think like where you couldn't understand what I was trying to say. But when you're speaking it's more about just my past self.

Speaker 2

So it's grace having grace and compassion for your past self, understanding why your past self acted the way they did. Because, remember, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what happened to you. And when you start to ask what happened to you, why were you that way, why were you angry, why were you lashing out, why were you putting your walls up, why did that happen? And instead of anger there's like, yeah, curiosity, and from curiosity can come compassion. And sometimes we get to the point where that curiosity leads to your parents or society or culture. It's like, well, why were they like that? What happened to them? Not even for them, what's wrong with them? It's still what happened to them.

Speaker 2

So curiosity and compassion, I think, are the keys to figuring out why we are the way we are. Why do we people please, why do we self-abandon? Because when we start looking at that from the psychological perspective of patterns of attachment, early attachment issues, then there's compassion that can be built and there's rewiring that can happen. And so maybe when you are about to do that act of self-love, like buying the pillows or just saying no and not worrying about having to over-explain it, maybe there's just a little bit more calmness in your nervous system, that you understand the importance of it. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think this is a hard one, you know. I think for a lot of people it sounds like something that would be really easy. But when you really get down to it and think about why do I, you know, overgive, say yes when I mean no, why is it hard for me to rest and feel okay about it? I think that if you look, start looking back at early childhood and how you were told that you were valuable, sometimes that can link to self-abandonment. We were praised for abandoning ourselves many times. Yeah, For overgiving.

Speaker 1

Well, I was praised. He'd give the shirt off his back. That was like I was always praised for that. Well, I was praised. He'd give the shirt off his back. He's you know that. That was like um I was. I was always praised for that.

Speaker 2

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, you're not alone. This is something that I think a lot of us you know. If you know, if love was something that we had to earn, perform for or fight for, then loving ourselves without condition feels unnatural.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

But that's not because we're broken. It's because we were programmed that way yeah you know, that's the thing. I'm a doctor, dan siegel. He talks about how we learn to relate to ourselves the way our caregiver, caregivers related to us. So, if you know, we had parents that were unemotionally available, volatile, um, all of that, we learn. You know how to survive in conditions like that. So I don't know. I think this is one that like what is, what is the next act?

Speaker 1

of self-love that you can take. Well, I think first maybe we create a list and try to, you know, write down three things that we think are self-love that don't have any benefits to anybody else but us. You can find three things for yourself and do them for yourself more often.

Speaker 2

Yeah, like what, what's going to be yours.

Speaker 1

Well, I did one, which was getting me my pillows, I think, and you know, dressing up, I think, my room, I think and you know dressing up I think the my room but I think the next self-love thing is I need to really get back into like my mountain biking and doing that stuff, cause being out and riding on my trails and that's that used to be my kind of meditation and bring me joy, so, and I and I did that just for me, so something that that's another thing that I got to start working back and it's healthy and gets me out into nature and all those things.

Speaker 1

So that's something that I'm going to try to commit to and do at least once a month is my first goal. I used to do it three times a week. You know 12, 15 miles a day. Now I'm down to nothing, so it's it's time to pick it back up and take steps towards self-love.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and saying no to situations where you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel seen, and having to do the hard things of being able to say no. I love myself too much to put myself in a situation that I'm not seen as wholly worthy and lovable.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I respect my peace. Yep, yeah, I love my peace. So, yeah.

Speaker 2

If the answer has to be no, Then it has to be no, Then it has to be no, Then the answer if the answer has to be no, it's really you're saying yes to yourself.

Speaker 1

Yeah, Because everything circles back to the. You know this plot twist of you're not the victim, You're not.

Speaker 2

The only one you're fighting behind the curtain is yourself.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I had, I had somebody asked me once, you know. I said I want you to list, you know, five things that you absolutely love and couldn't do without. And, and I was like oh, wow, okay, and you know, I thought that was kind of about this list, and then I was like no. So I thought about the five things and they said expand it to 10. I was like, okay, I'm going to think about 10 things I really love and expand to 20.

Speaker 1

So I did that and then they said they asked me, were you even in the top 20 things of you that you love and can't do without? Because if you didn't even put yourself in the top 20, that's a pure indication that you lack self-love. Wow, wow. So go out there and practice some self-love everybody.

Questions for Self-Reflection

Speaker 2

Yeah, I mean we live in a culture that profits from self-doubt, so loving yourself is an act of rebellion. That was by Sonia Renee Taylor. I mean there's a whole machine built on you not feeling enough. So every time you choose to love yourself, anyway, it's really. It's a revolution. And there are, I think. Before we go, I really like to give people three questions, three or four questions. They can be journaling questions, but I feel like people get really weird about when they say journal. Okay, so just ask yourself these questions if you're driving in the car or something.

Speaker 1

We don't want to give you homework. We don't want to give you homework. I don't like it either.

Speaker 2

I think you should journal about it. But anyway, here are the questions. Or just to pause to feel into it what part of me have I been trying to fix instead of love? What part of me have I been trying to fix instead of love? Where do I still outsource my worth, like wait for people to tell you that you're good enough, or just show you, or any of that? What would I, what would change, if I truly believed I was lovable? Ooh, I really feel how the answer's coming in my head for that one.

Speaker 1

Truly lovable, without earning it.

Speaker 2

Yeah, if I'm truly lovable, what would change if I actually believed that? I know for me that comes down to if somebody treated me any other way. I'm out. They'll just look around and be like where'd she go. And what does my body feel when I say I love you to myself out loud? Uncomfortable.

Speaker 2

Oof. You know there was a practice that someone suggested and it was really powerful and I hope that if you're listening, you'll try this when you get home, and I hope that if you're listening, you'll try this when you get home is to look in the mirror and just let yourself be in your own gaze, just to look at yourself. Sometimes it's really hard to eye gaze even with yourself. Don't look away, don't start picking it apart, just look at yourself.

Speaker 2

In your pupils or just overall In your pupils overall and say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you four times and see what happens. It's probably going to feel uncomfortable at first, but you should get used to it. It's a good habit to have.

Speaker 1

It is a good habit.

Speaker 2

Yeah, love yourself. Let that shift go.

Speaker 1

All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast.

Speaker 2

I'm Noel and I'm Lena, Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at Let that Shift Go, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.