Turning the Tables:When Lara Questions Tunmise

Coach Lara turns the tables on Tunmise in this intimate conversation that reveals the heart and mind behind Mindfully with Tunmise through playful games and profound questions.

• Tunmise shares her six daily thoughts, including contemplations on legacy, parenting, marriage, and breaking generational cycles
• Despite experiencing childhood molestation, Tunmise explains how she developed a healthy view of sexuality through spiritual guidance
• Tunmise discusses her approach to forgiveness, rooted in her faith understanding that holding onto anger creates unnecessary burden
• The conversation reveals Tunmise personal experience with bipolar disorder and how she manages both hereditary and trauma-induced mental health challenges
• Coach Lara thanks Tunmise for "choosing not to hide anymore," acknowledging the transformative power of their conversations
• Tunmise closes with a swimming metaphor, encouraging listeners to "go back home" to their authentic selves and surround themselves with people who facilitate that journey

Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country, and above all, love God. He's the essence of your being.

Transcript

Introducing Part Two: Tables Turn

Speaker 1 1:13

Mindful Partners. So how was it getting to know Coach Lara beyond the headlines? Last week, it was an absolute pleasure to bring that version of Lara Kudaisi Tanmomo to you. This week, though, I bring you the second part of that conversation, where the tables turn and Omolara gets the chance to question me, as she's wanted to do for years. This episode is much as fun as it is a deep dive. You will get a little peek into who Uluwatu Mishie is, and we'll start with some fun games and then dive right into the questions Omolara has for me. Welcome to Mindfully with Tumishe. I am Uluwa Tumishe. Hola tako Kuku Hi Mindful Partners, and we're back. I held Omo Lara back because she had a lot of questions for me, and this second part of the conversation is going to be more about me than it's about Lara, but still she's in my studio, so there's nothing she can do about that. So how?

Speaker 2 2:47

are you after that first, first time I'm getting myself together so let's play some before we.

Speaker 1 2:54

Then I'll just give you to my okay. If your healing journey were a Nollywood movie, what would the title be? Maybe you say you like movies up and down. What would the?

Speaker 2 3:08

title be Maybe you say you like movies.

Speaker 1 3:10

Up and Down, in and Out.

Speaker 2 3:13

Opera Intensity.

Speaker 1 3:17

Pick one Love that teaches you or love that comforts you. What's one Yoruba proverb you'd live by? And why Yoruba? Yeah, yoruba are you. Are you a boon?

Speaker 2 3:31

I'll be outside me um I don't know if it's a proverb, though that's an aphorism, but you're right.

Speaker 1 3:43

Yeah, I don't know how to explain aphorism to you, but you'll be fine if you could have tea, or coffee with one historical figure, dead or alive dead or alive and what would you ask them? Jennifer is spitting in the back like that, but your guy would be fine.

Speaker 2 4:12

I can't remember her name now, but she's a philosopher. You know, she's one of the people I studied in NLP.

Speaker 1 4:20

Toni Morrison.

Speaker 2 4:21

No, she's a woman.

Speaker 1 4:24

Yeah, Toni is. It's a woman. Toni sounded like her and Lamont.

Tumishe's Everyday Thoughts

Speaker 2 4:31

No, so what? I would ask her. That woman is an institution she studied, she's been studied in schools how do you live such life after being in a lot of pain?

Speaker 1 4:53

I'm gonna find out oh, okay, well, I think I know the person you're talking about yeah, yeah, yeah he does not remember.

Speaker 2 5:08

We have to find the person.

Speaker 1 5:09

Yeah, what's a childhood snack that brings you joy, constantly brings you joy. Oh, wowow, what's a wowow.

Speaker 2 5:20

What's a wowow. I feel like getting it right now. Do you know that corn, maize Boiled and coconut With sugar in that glass?

Speaker 1 5:29

No, I feel like eating it now, true.

Speaker 2 5:36

Anywhere I see it, I buy it, they still sell it. The last time I saw it, maybe 5 years ago, I told the you please wait if your personality were a color, what would it be?

Speaker 1 5:59

I know mine, you can see, so I think it has changed.

Speaker 2 6:06

It used to be red but now that the inside has changed, yes, it used to be red, but maybe it's not black, so I would choose between purple, because purple can still be dark and flirty, so I have that combination of the two so I'm handing you this, this, it's just symbolic.

Speaker 1 6:36

I'm handing you a blank canvas right now. What would you paint first?

Speaker 2 6:56

I wish that was captured.

Speaker 1 6:57

A smile, okay, someone who's smiling smiling and then different people smiling around the person show me your reaction when your intuition said don't do this. And then you did it. And then boom, fuck it.

Speaker 2 7:23

You said to show you. You said to show you. You said it's okay complete the sentence.

Speaker 1 7:31

Are you ready? I'm enjoying this part so much. If I could give my past self a post-it note, what would it say? You guys should be looking at the board looking for the post-it. I can give you the post-it if you wanted to do you want me to be honest and raw?

Speaker 2 7:57

it's a question mindfully with Tumishe.

Speaker 1 8:00

That's all I'm going to tell you. Do whatever you want to do with that that's all I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 2 8:08

Do whatever you want to do with that do a lot of cowboy writing. Okay, sing the first song sing the first song that comes to mind when you hear the word transformation you make my life so beautiful and that's you are. You have made me, and there's nothing greater than this. That's why I love you Forevermore. Should I continue? It's okay, I wanted to join you, but I forgot.

Speaker 1 8:56

I forgot now to sing. So we are. I forgot now to you, why did you hand it over? Yeah, listening to this conversation and hearing yourself reflect what has stirred up for you two things.

Speaker 2 9:33

You need to show yourself more the real roar side.

Speaker 2 9:40

That a little bit really to know about mm- two, you need to have more conversations like this in your, because you know I do a lot of these things. By the way, I'm going to invite you to my own next week, tuesday, just so you know. You know. So it just changed. I'm even. You won't believe what has happened. I'm even contemplating. Did I change the name of the podcast, should I? I'm telling you that's what's happening to me because I'm like I haven't touched this part a long time ago in a long time time.

Speaker 2 11:52

Yeah, my name is to michelle, yeah yeah, you have remade me, so or repaired me.

Speaker 1 12:01

Restored. Restored Because I feel like.

Speaker 2 12:05

I feel like it took. It looks as if I am leaning towards a side because of some things. So this is telling me come back home.

Speaker 1 12:22

That was my goal and I'm glad I achieved it, because I wanted people to see you, not the story.

Speaker 2 12:32

And then I need to do a lot of serious talk about the little girl.

Speaker 1 12:42

Lara, and she's beautiful. Whatever happened to her happened for her.

Speaker 2 12:51

Yeah, not this, because people just it's okay, people just feel the I need to have that conversation. So, since you have it's time, yeah, I just feel the.

Speaker 1 12:58

I need to have that conversation. So since you have it's time.

Speaker 2 13:02

Yeah.

Views on Sex and Healing

Speaker 1 13:04

What is the one question that you have been wanting to ask? Can't be one. Why would it be one? Go ahead, I'm ready, I hope. Shoot yeah, go on. What? Shoot yeah, yeah, go on.

Speaker 2 13:24

What thoughts do you have on a regular day?

Speaker 1 13:31

give me like six okay, on a regular day. What? Where am I going to be at the end of life? That's always one. The second I'm raising two giant. Am I doing it? The third I never wanted to marry, but I. Am I doing this right? The fourth I should have started my life a long time ago yeah, I've wanted to do that since.

Speaker 1 14:06

I should have started my life a long time ago. The fifth started my life a long time ago, the fifth. Nothing that happened was about you, nothing. It was never about me. It was about and even in my name. You know when, when I say to people that have a new one name, people are shocked. But I think the whole essence of me is in my name. Some things had to stop generationally and I'm just privileged to carry the pain that will birth the end of the cycle. And the sixth, oh, to play the whole play. I want to play all the time. Alright, what is sex to?

Speaker 2 15:22

you. So let me give context to that, please do. Oh my goodness, you everything.

Speaker 1 15:39

Don't worry, she's fine, she's separate. Let me hear yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 15:43

So you have played a huge role in my sex life. Ladies and gentlemen, it's not what you're thinking. No, it's not what you're thinking, ladies and gentlemen, it's not what you're thinking.

Speaker 1 15:53

No, it's not what you're thinking.

Speaker 2 15:54

So we used to be in a group, a WhatsApp group, when I got married the first time, yeah, and of course there's a lot of conversations happening in that group. It was one of the best groups I've ever been since they born me. Yeah, but you helped me see sex in a different way Right?

Speaker 1 16:13

So your question is even though I was molested, yeah, how come I had a healthy view?

Speaker 2 16:19

of sex yeah.

Speaker 1 16:20

Yeah, that's the question on almost everyone's mind. Did you have a healthy view of sex, though? To be honest, yes, okay. Of sex, though, to be honest, yes, okay, to be very honest. And I remember I used to say a prayer may God no come what's break for my life. I used to say that I'm sorry, baby girl, but here's the thing, for some reason thing, for some reason, all the molestations that happened to me, I saw them as events, I don't know I, and at some point I didn't, I didn't, at some point I messed up with that. I really messed up with that. But Jesus, it's.

Forgiveness Despite Deep Hurt

Speaker 1 17:27

God created sex and I was lucky and blessed and privileged to have read a book. I can't remember who wrote it, the cover is yellow and the lettering is blue and God created sex, and I was about 14 when I read that, and I'm grateful I read it at the age of 14 because and I believe that God brought that book my way to debrief me I had had, I had my first sexual experience at six and it continued till even that age when I read that book. Um, I believe god brought that book my way again to debrief me like see, this is, this, is not what I created sex for um. So, yeah, I think that's where it came from. You know, um, when I was 13, I I was on what I was worried, what we call really. I went to, I was born in the white garment church, but it was it's not celeste, not um terrible, it's not cherubim terrible, yeah, but it was a church that had, um, both the methodist and aladra doctrine, you know, merged, so we had, uh, and in that anyway, and I was sent there a lot, a lot, because I was, again, I've always been dispersing trust me, always dispersing and I would question why you would say we should not wear shoes into church. I would question why you said she covered my hair or why she didn't come out and I did a lot of crazy things as a young girl so they would send me there to deliver me from all the ogman jays and all that.

Speaker 1 19:27

Yeah, and when I was, I was in, I was in on orillano and I was praying. I was like, okay, so again, uh, anyone who's known me know that I talk about my relationship with god and how it has helped me. And this scripture he gave to me when I was 13, I'm looking for it, I wanted to read it out proverbs 24, 14 know that wisdom is such to your soul. If you find it, there will be a future and your hope will not be cut off. And I held on to that scripture. Of course it was an NKJV, this ESV um, at the time it was KJV of course yeah and it was Yoruba and um.

Speaker 1 20:14

I guess that's why most of these things didn't seep into my soul. I seek to take the lessons from every phase. Were they painful? Yeah, but I'll go back to that scripture. What am I supposed to learn from here? What's the wisdom I'm supposed to glean? So that's reading a book. I hope that answered your question.

Speaker 2 20:42

Yeah, good.

Speaker 1 20:46

Are you leaving? Am I leaving?

Speaker 2 20:50

You're authentic, oh yes.

Speaker 1 20:56

I've never had issues, you know, leaving my Every phase, even the dark ones, every phase, even when, even when I didn't take my life in 2020, just last attempt it was going to be on my terms I wrote I can read it out if you want. Yes, if I don't, I remember I couldn't let me get through it and I sent that out. Where is it now? Oh yeah, I really don't know how much time I have left. Sometimes I literally feel like I'm running out of time and won't be able to do anything about it. I wish I could leave all my dreams for a better Africa, for a better Nigeria anything about it. I wish I could leave all my dreams for a better Africa, for a better Nigeria. I wish I could leave my dream of a changed marital institution narrative, which I've enjoyed. I really wish I could preach it, carry my megaphone and help people see that it is not that deep. We can love in peace and harmony if we truly just let ourselves feel. The world will never be totally rid of bad people. The world will constantly leave us with things to reel about in pain, but we can do better. Look past the person causing the pain to the reason. When I've done the bit got and the universe will allow me to do my small world.

Speaker 1 23:27

Kena, I hope you remember me for the love I tried very hard to share and give. I hope you don't colour-code who Tsumishi was or is to you. Help my children understand and take that the kind of mother they had and that I would want for them to be the best they could ever be, loving God and loving for the health of humanity. I hope you remember me for the quirks, the not so conventional jokes on inside. I hope you remember me for constantly fighting for the trimming of love.

Speaker 1 24:00

Don't cry. I'm grateful I met you. I'm grateful for all of you. Yes, you taught me in pain and goodness. Let the light shine At the cremation, sing a song of joy At the scattering of the ash, sing a song of freedom. Live life, live love. And I sent that out to my friends. Of course, everybody was joining. So, yeah, I've never been afraid to leave my truth if, like you said earlier, even in the darkest part of it, a prop I, I will share only inappropriate places, though you know I learned early to know where to bleed and who to bleed to. So, yeah, does that answer your question?

Speaker 2 24:55

yeah, do you know that a lot of us look up to you? You do, yeah, so you know. There are people you call mentors. There are people you call mentors. There are people you call um aunties. You just have labels for different things. But first of all, one of the things that drew me to you and a couple of the people I'm talking about I like the fact that I can call you by name why would you have called me, though?

Speaker 1 25:29

because other people, how many years is between us?

Speaker 2 25:33

it's not, it's just, you're just six or seven yeah when you're over kingdom motor be a lot motivated to talk about them. You know, but that's just what they say. You know now. You know, but that's just what they say. You know now, I understand so, but the point is that I like the fact that I am not extremely close to you. Uh, why? Oh, my goodness, I feel that there's some. Oh god, see again. I'll reference my husband. I have this dark side. Yesterday we watched the movie at night and the guy, a guy was trying to kill the girl one day the girl shot. I was like what? Like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have this. Despite the hurt, I still choose to love. I have this fuck them all, kill them all, cut them into pieces and eat them.

Speaker 1 26:46

I'll answer that quite easily at the risk of sounding religious, at the risk of sounding religious, at the risk of sounding yeah, again, again, like how, how do you your religion?

Speaker 2 27:00

I don't have the words, you're not. You know, when we say Christian, like I don't even like what this is doing to me. What is it doing? Because I have built a persona, but this is doing to me because I have built a persona, but this is like dog barking, kind of thing.

Speaker 1 27:15

Yeah, okay, so for me, um, I'm privileged and I said what I'm going to say next. A lot of people might not sit down with well with people, but it's fine. I'm privileged to have practiced other religion. Oh, I'm not going to name them for the sake, just because I'm being sensitive. So when I say I follow God through Christ, I know what I'm saying. I'm not here to preach, but at the risk, so it's very easy for me to sit with people. I'm not here to preach, but at the risk, so so I, I, I, it's very easy for me to sit with people. Um, and I'm very grateful.

Speaker 1 27:57

Again, I go back to Proverbs 24, 14. I'm very grateful for the gift uh, you know, of discernment. Yeah, I, my husband hated, hated in the sense that I could have no idea about a topic and I'm sitting down and I'm just listening to everybody talk about it and I can pick and just make, and usually it's. I'm grateful that I have you know, so I can answer that easily, because I say to myself this person that hurt me was died for. If, and only if, they give their lives to Christ, the way I understand the kingdom, and they die before me, they will get to Algernon before me and I'm still here. They will get to paradise before me. So of what good is my holding them in my heart? Of what good is my being bitter? I'm not saying that I don't have boundaries because they're like. A lot of people think that I can cut people off. Ask a couple of people I have. I do, but not in a bitter.

Speaker 1 29:29

You know not that I'll see you on the road and I'll not be able to say hello, or you know you know, it's usually very, very if I have a friend who says to me constantly that how come all your past boyfriends are still your friends? I said because we didn't fight. Yeah, it was not. You know, it was not as if a bitter split or anything like that and you know.

Going Back Home: Final Wisdom

Speaker 1 29:47

And so for my female friends too, because because I say to myself, this person was died for. If they give their life to Christ, truly repent, truly repent and God forgave them, and by chance they die before me, they will get to paradise before me. And I'm still here trying to find the meaning of life. So that's my guiding light, that's my albatross. I'm gonna say yeah, no, no, it's not worth it. And I remember saying to my mom, towards the end of her life, she was struggling, and I said, mommy, forgive this person, I'm just like I said, because this thing we don't know. Yes, we don't know what eternity truly looks like. Nobody has your body, is it like? That's mine, you know. But if, julie, there's an eternity, mommy, please forgive, because you don't want this to be the thing that will not make you make eternity.

Speaker 1 30:52

And then that night funny enough, it's exactly eight years today, that night that we had that conversation. Yeah, funny enough. And then she woke up the next morning. That night I saw I was sitting, I was like sleeping beside her. She was struggling over the night. And then she woke up the next morning and she said I said maa lakmaja, lakmaja, lakmaja she. I said mo mo shug malori, moti dariji mo fe wo jobo that?

Speaker 2 31:25

was when I knew my daughter was going to die.

Speaker 1 31:27

Yeah, so, and she left the person here. Yeah, she left the person here. So that's why, despite the hurt and even when people have conversations and I give interviews and you know it sounds as if I'm protecting I'm not giving the names of the people that messed me up and all that I say it's because, um, their children have no business knowing what their parents used to be like, because why would I want to curse their children in pain? The children didn't hurt me.

Speaker 1 32:07

The children didn't hurt me because if I give too much of description, they'll be able to pick who their parents, who I'm speaking with and that's some pain, and then I'm just gathering enemies, so, and all right? So yeah, the simple answer is well, all we are all died for and uh, yeah, you wrote the questions down.

Speaker 2 32:39

I want to ask what does marriage mean to you?

Speaker 1 32:43

Partnership, partnership.

Speaker 2 32:46

What would you never forget?

Speaker 1 32:48

Nothing, oh good, you see, so long I personally press again, even death can be forgiven. I'm not trying to be a martyr, but the weight I don't know how people think about it, but the weight of carrying anger. See, I grew up in a very angry home, very angry and violent home. I saw the things that that did. See my. We are the third of being angry people with pride. Our family name is Binuwai. We wear anger and retribution with pride and I've seen that it works Nothing. I love my family name. I love my family, you know what?

Speaker 1 34:09

But it has caused more pain and damage. I remember my therapist used to say to me I needed to get angry when I'm telling her certain things. And I said to her I used to be a very angry person. My focus right now is to heal. It's not about those who hurt me. It's not my father and my mother, not the people who hurt me. It's about me. It's about me living my full life. It's not about all those people. They are the ones that had questions to answer, not me. They did things to me. So the weight of carrying anger is too heavy. It's too. And even understanding this does not take you away the fact that I'm bipolar.

Speaker 1 34:58

I live with bipolar yeah so imagine that I carried that with and I still you know, because, while mine is was triggered by, you know, by what's called traumatic experiences. It also is very something still brings heritages in my family. So, you know, if I didn't have trauma, I probably would not ever have presented, you know, as a person living with bipolar affects. But there's sometimes that, no matter what I do, no matter how, I still feel sad, and not because anything happened. The cloak is just there and I have to pick myself up. And there's sometimes that everything around is horrible and I'm extremely excited.

Speaker 1 36:01

Everybody's like what's up with you? I know I'm tilting towards the manic episode, so, yeah, there's no need to carry these things. Um, I I'm not saying that I don't feel pain, please. I'm not saying that when people hurt me I don't feel it, but I can easily shrug it off and then deal with it with God. It's see, my journal has me reporting myself and people to God Reporting. And the moment I report to God, I believe that I said okay, this is your child, I'm your child too. You be the judge? Yeah, you'll be the judge, because if I do to me, it's, there are times I do to me, show the times I do to me, yeah, but it's a very, very fun in between, and when I do to me she's usually very catastrophic, so I try not to do her at all. Are we good?

Speaker 2 37:00

yeah, okay, yeah, because I just forgave somebody right now, right now, right now. I offended me this morning. I'm forgiving you that driver, just kidding. Yeah, yeah and uh, thank you.

Speaker 1 37:16

So what? What is the one thing you've always wanted to say to me?

Speaker 2 37:24

Thank you.

Speaker 1 37:27

You're welcome. Whatever that means, though, thank you for choosing not to hide Anymore.

Speaker 2 37:37

Yeah and anymore yeah for choosing not to hide anymore yeah and anymore, yeah when I knew you, I just knew she's just a crazy person yeah, but a beautiful crazy person. I swear you were such a mystery to me like, and the far in between conversations that we have, just like now, always leave me very reflective and transformative oh okay, it's in the name, yeah, so thank you for Not holding those people.

Speaker 1 38:38

Yeah, See, okay, let's just talk about that after we've killed the mic. Yeah, so, final, final, final words from you to everyone who loves their coach Lara. Words from you to everyone who loves their coach Lara.

Speaker 2 39:02

I don't know if I can now be their coach, lara, when you have stripped me naked, finish it's okay. Take everything, use everything, all of it, all of it is. There's something we call utilization, and I think it's NLP or something. Utilization meaning that every part of you, every experience that you had at some point, will come to use. Yeah, always go back home. Today, this conversation has taken me back home.

Speaker 1 39:49

Oh, please.

Speaker 2 39:53

See, now, I'm a very articulate person, and now, but now, articulation is far from me, you know so. But the point is, go back home. There is a, there is a depth, so there is the beach.

Speaker 1 40:13

B-E-A-C-H. Yes, B-E-A-C-H.

Speaker 2 40:17

I even forgot that there is another word. No, not that. So there is this surface water Of the beach. There is something underneath it that powers the water on the beach. Sometimes, when you are learning how to swim, they teach you how to go down before you come up. A lot of times we perform upstairs the day I learn how to swim Saturday all the fears in my life is going to go go ahead, so learn how to go down.

Speaker 2 40:55

a lot of times and when I say down, I still am referring to home Some people take you back home. Be in touch with them. Some events or experiences take you back home, and when I'm talking about it's not good to be a coach or a therapist. You cannot even just say words like that. You just have to explain everything, because I don't want anybody to get the other way around. When I say go back home, I mean home is a place of peace, joy, where you feel at your best. So look for people that take you there, look for experiences that take you there and just be you.

Speaker 1 41:38

This has been such a joy. Thank you so much, amolara. Thank you For honoring me. Appreciate it, you're right.

Speaker 2 41:48

Nobody calls me that, though I love it so much Okay.

Speaker 1 41:54

Thank you, jennifer, thank you, bayo.

Speaker 2 42:00

Don't you guys refuse to take anything? They cannot. We told these things.

Speaker 1 42:03

We are talking how can they love yourself, love your neighbor, love this country? Oh, yesterday, when I was the, when I was in the bathroom yesterday and I was thinking that people hear me say love yourself and and I also remember that I have never said the full, it's mine and it is actually knowledge puffs up, love covers all. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country. Above all of this, love God.

Speaker 2 42:36

He's the essence of your being oh, sorry, because even me, I've been waiting since the person that gave me coffee, very delicious coffee. Thank you, god bless you, our upcoming p.

Speaker 1 42:52

Thank you for being such an amazing daughter. I love you. Yeah, until next week.

Speaker 2 42:59

Yeah, stay mindful this is black images.