The Myth of Personal Space: Finding Connection Through Distance

Have you ever noticed how differently we react when we need personal space versus when someone asks it of us? That fascinating paradox sits at the heart of this deeply reflective episode.

Personal space exists in a curious tension—we crave it for ourselves yet often interpret it as rejection when others seek it. Through vulnerable storytelling about a friendship that taught me profound lessons about boundaries, I explore how space functions across different relationship landscapes. Whether it's the best friend who disappeared after having a baby, the romantic partner who needs solitude without withdrawal, or the family dynamics where growth feels like a betrayal, the same pattern emerges: our struggle to understand that space isn't abandonment but an invitation to return as our authentic selves.

For those navigating African family contexts, this tension takes on additional layers where personal boundaries intersect with expectations of loyalty. When stepping back might be seen as disowning and asking questions interpreted as disrespect, how do we honour both our truth and family connections? 

The answer lies partly in reframing how we understand space itself—not as rejection but as a necessary rhythm in the music of healthy relationships.

Throughout this episode, I offer reflective questions to help you examine your own relationship with personal space. 

When do you need it? Can you take it without guilt? 

And perhaps most importantly, can you extend that same grace when others need it from you? 

Because ultimately, the myth isn't that we need personal space—it's how we misinterpret what space means.

What does personal space mean in your life? 

Please share your thoughts with me on social media or through the link in the show description. And while you're there, hit that follow button to help more people discover these mindful conversations.

Recommended episode https://pod.fo/e/2ba335

Recommended book:  Kindle/Diaspora-https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BRC4P8K7,

Soft Copy:  https://selar.co/199797 

Hard Copy: https://rhbooks.com.ng/product/living-mindfully-a-journey-to-being/

Transcript

Speaker 1 1:18

Hello Mindful Partners. How are you all doing? I hope fine, and I hope you are settling to finding yourself and navigating your stories, as I always champion on Mindfully with Tumishe, and I hope you enjoyed the sneak peek into my world last week with Lara. Listening back to that episode, I was reminded of just how far I have come, how sharing and collecting stories has become a path, not just for me but for us, a way to align our thoughts, emotions and responses in how we relate to ourselves and to others. And in case you missed it, check the show notes. The link will be there. But as I listened, a few things stood out, thoughts I wanted to expand on, and that's where today's episode begins.

Best Friend Story: Lessons in Space

Speaker 1 2:20

This week, I want to touch on something I call the myth of personal space. Yes, a myth, that's what I said, because while we often talk about space as a right, the way we seek it and respond to it isn't always that simple. So come with me, let's think about it. What is it about personal space that makes it feel so necessary yet extremely complicated, from friendships to romance, to family dynamics? Why do we feel funny when someone says I need my space? I know I have hurt people while seeking my personal space, and people have hurt me while they sought theirs. At first it feels like betrayal, a push and pull of closeness and distance, like an invisible dance where no one is quite sure of the steps. And yet personal space is not about them, it is about you. That's the paradox, isn't it? When I carve out space, I tell myself it's self-preservation, but when someone else does the same, I call it abandonment. Why do we crave space but fear its consequences? Why does our need for solitude sometimes clash with our longing for connection? I cannot speak for everyone. I cannot speak to everybody's experience, but, as usual, I will use myself as a source of understanding and maybe in the story or stories I tell on this episode you can find some resonance and insight to help you navigate your spaces. Let's dive in.

Speaker 1 4:30

There was a time when I believed in the concept of a best friend, someone you could be, everything with present, available, holding space for them in ways you assumed they needed, holding space for them in ways you assumed they needed. Now, before anybody comes for me, I appreciate the concept of a bestie and yes, I have a couple, a couple. You say yes, I said a couple Because I have come to terms with the reality that, with every single faith, there will be people that the universe, that God will bring my way and they will function perfectly with what I have described there, that is, they will be present, they will be available and they will be willing to hold my hands through any phase. And then, poof, that season is gone and I am left wondering what happened to that sweet connection. I had to do a personal heart autopsy to find my balance and trust me as a person who thrives mostly on and with connection. This surgery, this autopsy, this life autopsy, was a very, very long one, but it was also what birthed my personal favorite aphorism life is lived in the transitions.

Speaker 1 6:00

Now back to my best friend and I. So, when my best friend had a baby, I showed up, physically and emotionally. I checked in, I offered support, I was there, at least I thought I was. Then, about six weeks in, during one of my usual check-ins, she said something that cut deeper. Well, she probably intended To me she it is not always about you. Oh, it's strong, because in my mind I've been nothing but present, the perfect friend and all the things that come with that. So what did I do? I did what any hurt person would do. I gave her space.

Speaker 1 6:51

Three months passed and the silence stretched between us like well, an unfamiliar stranger. Then, out of nowhere, she reached out. I hope I haven't broken this friendship. I was in my head and I didn't know how to communicate it. As you might have guessed, we picked up the pieces. We tried again. If I'm being honest, something had shifted. I had become guarded, and I know somebody will say that's great on you, tsumushi. It is called self-preservation, and you will be right. However, I have said several on many platforms, and definitely unmindfully with me here, that I hated losing friends. It was, it was something I couldn't deal with. The sense and feeling of abandonment is so painful and real and, if I'm being honest, the work I have had to do to build another connection that just about grounded me With this one, though the sense of abandonment was real when it happened. I know now where it came from. You guessed it my story of origin but I think I'm managing that better now, if I say so myself.

Understanding the Paradox of Space

Speaker 1 8:15

Now, moving on, I apparently didn't learn what God wanted me to learn in that season. Why? Because just as we were finding our rhythm again, she disappeared, this time. For a longer time I wrestled. I questioned myself what did I do wrong? Why did she ghost me again? But this time I resolved it. Remember S-B-N-R-R-R. Stop, breathe it to the T. Then, two years ago, she reappeared with a simple message I'm sorry. And you know what, with the space and in the space that I am now, I understood and the dynamic also changed.

Space in Romantic Relationships

Speaker 1 9:19

I allow her to reach out when she is in a safe space, when she is in a safe space, not because I don't care, but because I have learned that personal space isn't about me. And that's the paradox of personal space. We crave connection, but we also crave solitude. We need closeness, but we also need breathing room. In that delicate dance, people would take space in ways that feel like rejection, even when it is not. I said earlier, I've hurt people while seeking my personal space, and people have hurt me while seeking theirs. People have heard me while seeking theirs. It is a circle we rarely talk about, because space is typically mysterious. You can't see it, but you can feel it when it's being evaded. It triggers emotions, deep, painful, sometimes even deadly ones. But here's what I'm learning Personal space is not about rejection, it is not about abandonment and it is not selfish.

Speaker 1 10:56

What it is is. It is a language and, like any language, it can be misunderstood. Now let's expand this a little further, because this isn't just about friendships. Personal space plays out in everything Every kind of relationship, family, work and even love. And when it comes to romantic relationships, the stakes feel even higher. And I get asked about this all the time whenever I facilitate webinars or I have a client seeking clarity during a coaching session seeking clarity during a coaching session.

Speaker 1 11:33

And the question is how do you balance personal space in a romantic relationship without making your partner feel abandoned? It is a valid question, because somewhere along the way, relationships have become more transactional. There's little or no wiggle room. These days, every action is analyzed, every quiet moment is questioned and every slight character misstep labeled a red flag. So what happens? People stop taking space. They stop asking for time to breathe because it might be misread as withdrawal. They stop communicating the need for solitude because what it is taking as rejection.

Family Dynamics and Growing Apart

Speaker 1 12:26

And yet the paradox remains we cannot truly connect if we never allow space for individuality. Love doesn't mean merging into one person. It doesn't mean losing yourself just to keep the other close. A healthy relationship is like music. There's rhythm, there's harmony and, yes, there are pausesuses. The pauses don't ruin the song, they make it richer.

Speaker 1 13:01

Yet there's another layer family, siblings, parents, the people whom we have known the longest, at least who we think we know. But there's something no one tells you about growing up. As you get older, your story of origin shifts. The childhood you remember is not always the childhood your sibling remembers. The home you taught you, all shared equally, it was experienced differently by each person in it. And so, as we grow, we take space, not just physical space, but emotional space. We integrate our past through the lens of our present experiences, and sometimes that means we're defining relationships with people we want to share the bunk with, we want to dance in the rain with, we pulled pranks on our parents with and we stole meat from the boat with. You get where I'm going. Eh, you get where I'm going. Yeah, some siblings grew apart because they do not know how to navigate the shift when their sibling is trying to interpret their stories of origin. Because definitely you will be singing your stories of origin from different lenses, from different lenses. I always try or use this story or this allegory when I'm talking about lenses Two brothers.

Speaker 1 14:43

One was a drunkard, the other didn't touch alcohol at all. And when they asked the one who was a drunkard, why do you drink so much? He said because that's all I saw my father do. And when they asked the other one, who doesn't touch alcohol at all, why do you not drink? He said because that's all I saw my father do.

African Family Context and Loyalty

Speaker 1 15:04

Some parents feel abandoned because their adult children no longer show up in the ways they expect. They expect, and for many of us, that transition between the past we shared and the present we're living feels like an unspoken tension. So what do we do with that? Do we force closeness or evil when it literally feels natural? Do we take space and risk being misunderstood, or do we find a middle ground where we allow each other to evolve without taking it personally? Remember my favorite agreement from the four agreements Do not take anything personally. Now let's bring it on.

Speaker 1 15:52

In African families. This tension takes on another layer because here, personal space isn't just about setting boundaries, it's about navigating wait for it loyalty. We've seen it recently, haven't? Weathers and sons at odds, daughters discovering hidden truths, family stories unraveling in real time for the world to see, and a million and one hot takes online in-laws, online parents and what have you. And whether we admit it or not, these public dramas are just reflections of our private realities Realities many of us have lived in our families here.

Reflective Questions and Conclusion

Speaker 1 16:43

Taking space isn't just a personal choice. It is a statement, or it is seen as a statement. Stepping back can be seen as a statement. Stepping back can be seen as a disowning. Asking questions can be seen as disrespect. And yet what do we do when silence no longer feels safe? Because personal space, at its core, isn't about rejecting family. It's about finding a way to hold your own truth while still making room for theirs.

Speaker 1 17:20

So here are some reflective questions I'll leave with you as a round of the conversation today. They cut across the relationship spectrum I have taught. Here goes when in your life do you need space and have you given yourself permission to take it? And, just as importantly, when someone else takes space, will you allow them to do so without taking it personally? In your romantic relationship, do you give yourself space just to be without guilt? And, as equally important, do you allow your partner the same? Do you offer the same grace? Bear in mind personal space isn't rejection. It is an invitation to return as your full self Within your family of origin? Do you allow yourself the space to grow and shift Again? More importantly, do you allow your other family members to do the same? Do you extend the same grace Again? I repeat personal space isn't rejection. It is an invitation to return as your full self, knowledge pops up. Love covers all. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country. Above all of these, love God. He is the essence of your being.

Speaker 1 19:14

Until next episode, stay mindful. I am Uluwatu Mishie or Ladakbo Kuku. Before I go, let me leave you with this again what does personal space mean to you? Share your thoughts with me on socials, mindful Uluwatu Mishie or Uishe or Utumishe Okuku on Instagram, Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Or just send a text. The link is in the show's description. Oh, one last thing. Hit that follow button. It helps more people find the space. Hey, thanks in advance. Stay mindful. Thank you.