Permission to Pause: Walking Through Pain, Not Around It

Have you ever had life tap you on the shoulder—or shake you by the shoulders? That jarring moment when your body stops cooperating, your mind goes quiet, and suddenly the world demands you pay attention?

After running out of medications and experiencing mix-ups with my treatment plan, my typically stable blood pressure skyrocketed to dangerous heights. For someone living with bipolar affective disorder who advocates mental health awareness through this podcast, the irony wasn't lost on me—I had stopped practising what I preached. My body staged a rebellion, and perhaps more terrifying, my words disappeared. The woman who processes life through language could no longer articulate her thoughts.

This episode is a raw, honest account of what happened during my three-week hiatus. It's about the humbling journey of turning inward, confronting the shame of needing medication again, and reconnecting with my five-year-old self,  the child in the blue dress riding a three-wheel bicycle with a wild smile. Through this unexpected pause, I discovered profound lessons: that knowing your baseline vitals (both physical and mental) can save your life, that following what Paulo Coelho calls "the omens" leads to better choices, and most importantly, that "you will not find your way by escaping the pain. You will find your way only by walking through it mindfully."

I'm returning to you changed—a little softer, a little slower, but infinitely more certain that there is wisdom, not weakness, in stepping back. As we begin Season 6 of Mindfully with Tunmise, I invite you to join me in exploring mental health with renewed curiosity and compassion. Perhaps my story can permit you to pause when your body and soul demand attention. After all, "My body remembers, my soul remembers, and healing begins when I listen."

Transcript

The Noise of Silence Poem

Speaker 1 1:01

Welcome to Mindfully with Tomishe, the podcast that invites you to explore mental health with honesty, compassion and openness. Each week, your host, tomishe Oladapokoku, shares personal stories and stories from people like you. Together, we'll confront mental health myths and build a space where imperfection isn't feared but embraced, from self-esteem struggles to relational conflicts. We're here to discuss it all, with guidance from experts and real, raw stories that inspire healing. It's time to live mindfully. It's time to be compassionate with ourselves and each other. Mindfully with Tumishe. New episodes every week Available wherever you listen to podcasts or at blackimagescom.

Speaker 2 2:02

I have learned that silence isn't always empty. Sometimes there's the loudest noise in the room, a thunderous echo of things are said, uncried tears, unfinished prayers. But I have also learned to sit with it, because sometimes that silence becomes a teacher. What is a home? A home is not just a place. It's laughter around the table, a partner's steady presence, little feet running across the floor. It's the sanctuary I am building. One choice, one child, one moment at a time.

Speaker 2 2:47

And fire, though we fear it, I know fire purifies. It burns away the falls, it leaves behind the gold and I uluwatsumise I know I've walked through my share of flames, came out cleaner, lighter and more me. Let's talk about shame. That's just being turned inward. A bruise, you hide behind a smile, but I refuse to house what isn't healing. So I speak to it, write it, name it, and it loses power every time. Freedom, oh freedom. Not the kind that dances only when the world claps, but the one that shows up barefoot, unfiltered, unashamed, the kind that lives in authenticity, because that's where I meet God and myself and the work I was born to do.

Speaker 1 4:01

This is, mindfully with Tumishe, brought to you by Black Images.

Speaker 2 4:09

Hi Mindful Partners, how are you? It's been a long 3-4 weeks that we've had any new episodes. I hope that, for those who are in the community, you listen to the episodes that I suggested while we were on break to help us just keep in tune and reconnect with ourselves and demystify the things that we the narratives around mental health questions, around mental health questions. Okay, I did promise in one of the broadcasts that I made that I was going to catch you up on all that has been going on in my life and, of course, from the beginning, you heard that poem that came from a fire chat, a fire chat that I had somewhere and they asked me questions and I was able to come up with that poem and the questions. They were fire set questions. They said that I should just reply with whatever comes to my mind and then we've got to write a poem out of that. Don't worry, I will get to the details of why.

Health Crisis and Awakening

Speaker 2 5:35

Mindfully, tumishe took a break and lived, or Tumishe tried to leave what she preached. Okay, so the first question was silence. My answer was loud noise. The second question was home or prompt. I said husband, children. The third prompt was fire and I said purity. And the next one was shame, I said pain turned inward, and, of course, freedom, which to me is authenticity, and the poem you heard that I decided to name, the noise of silence, is what came out of that exercise. Oh, and I love, I do love that poem. I do love that poem. You can get it in the transcript if you do want to listen to it over and over and over again.

Speaker 2 6:42

So have you ever had like tap you on your shoulder or shake you by the shoulders? You know that awakening that comes from darkness. You know that some awakenings, of course, come with light, but this one, you know, comes from a place that is heavy. They come with silence, with discomfort and with stillness. These past three weeks, I experienced something that humbled me my body, my mind, my soul, everything that mindfully, with some shade, leaves and stands for, was questioned right. And I was forced to pause, and I did, not out of strength but out of surrender. And in that stillness I heard things I'd been too busy to notice. Now, this episode is not a diagnosis or a checklist. It is a moment, a turning and well, true to mindfulness, a story to me, a story, okay. So what happened was that I, I had focused I had focused more on psychotherapy, for those who know the story and was followed mindful to me for a bit.

Speaker 2 8:17

You know that I'm a person living with bipolar affective disorder. I'd run out of my medications and I had to get some review and somehow somehow there was some mix-ups and all of that and that just sent me to places I'm prone to have hypertension. My blood pressure never goes up. Never goes up. Even after the surgery last year, my blood pressure was still less than normal For most people. It's about 120 over 70. But I am within the range of 90 over 73, 70, or, at the the worst, 113 over 60. But after this new medication I'm still using my old medication. Then some new medications were introduced and my body just literally shut down. I had my blood pressure go up to 149 over 101. It was quite scary.

Speaker 2 9:30

But you see, like I said, there are some awakenings that come from darkness and this was one of them. I had to sit down and ask myself whether I was pushing too hard, whether I was doing too much, whether I had stopped listening to my body, whether I had stopped listening to people and myself. To be honest, and though it was a medical question for me. I had to turn inward. I had to ask myself was I becoming for lack of a better word bourgeoisie in the way I was speaking, to mental health questions, to mental health narratives, to living mindfully how does the Bible put it? Was I what's the word now? Elevating myself more than I thought in my head? Okay, don't worry, I am very trust me, I'm very confident and very secure in who and what I do. But I had to sit down to ask those questions, whether, and then review and re-strategize on how Mindful to Michelle would go on.

Turning Inward for Answers

Speaker 2 10:52

From then on, I tried to record some episodes, maybe monologues and all that, but it did not come. Words weren't coming, ideas weren't coming, ideas weren't coming. And for me, the moment I lose my words, I know something is definitely, definitely, definitely wrong. My body spoke in ways I couldn't ignore and, instead of pushing through, like I've often done, or I always do, I chose something different. I turned inward. Uh, this episode isn't just a reflection, it's a return, a reminder and maybe, just maybe, an invitation for you too. All right, so let's start off from how the year started. Uh, for those who listened to mindfully with sumo shi to the end of last year, the question in the beginning of this year. Actually, the question was who are you becoming? And I share about how I eventually read the book the Alchemist by Paul Coelho and how that was going to shape the way I saw and navigated this year. So let's start from there.

Speaker 2 12:34

There was a resistance, definitely because I felt like I was on fire at the end of last year. I had old episodes, I had media appearances, I was doing things that I felt and I knew I should be doing, but the truth also is I didn't leave so much mindfully right, I was allowing this seizing to swallow me and then I put a call through to you know who, mu, and she says to me she you know what we need to get you back on mood stabilizers. Again, I resist, um, but I think, with everyone who, um, who has a condition that has to, that you have to use medication for a long time, you will always push back. Sometimes you get so tired, even, and not take them right, and then I start I forgot, or did I forget, or I thought I had gotten to a place. Okay, I was journaling every day, I still was doing my prayers, I was doing my breath and, of course, I was still in therapy. So, yeah, it was okay, but you know what this time brought back to me?

Speaker 2 14:03

It brought back to me August 2020, which was the darkest on this, or, yeah, it's been and I hope it's going to be the last darkest, that is being that that has been for me on this journey as a person living with bipolar. It was the final time I was going to attempt to um take my life and that was how I felt when I started. I got back on medication. There was the shame of I thought to me. I thought you had gotten better, there was no need for you to be back on medication. You were doing well spiritually, you're doing well physically. So there was a lot of questions going on and there was that resistance that was coming from my soul. But I said to myself I was going to name this, I was going to sit down with what I felt was shame and I was going to push through it. And then I got back to journaling.

Reconnecting with My Child Self

Speaker 2 15:15

I got back to my psalms, my prayer, this is like I write my prayers a lot of times, so I call them psalms. I got back to painting because I had not painted since November. I got back to coloring, but this time around I went back to them the way I had done in the beginning, and not as a chore, not as an obligation, not as oh to me. She, the host of mindfully with me. She has to be mindful. No, I went back to these things with curiosity. I went back open-minded, with a blank state to learn new things that the season has come to teach me. And of course, you know, uh, I live by my personal aphorism that says life is lived in the transitions. And that was what I did. I got into many things to try to understand what happened or what was happening. And, as I say, I rarely ask why me questions. I do not, I try to run away from why me questions. There are a couple of times I've asked, but I can't even remember maybe a, maybe one time. But what I do is I have a go, some go-to questions, the being what did this come to teach me? And the second being what am I going to do with those lessons? And, as I said earlier, I got to a point. I had to ask these two questions the last three weeks. I had to ask these two questions the last three weeks and the first two weeks that I took a break. I kid you not, I struggled. I struggled, yes, my health was still on the balance, but I needed to really shut down mentally, socially and even spiritually. And shutting down spiritually does not mean that I stopped praying or anything, but I stopped worrying. I stopped um, oh, I tried to stop worrying. I tried to stop um making everything around me so esoteric, and I had to sit down with myself and be like a child, right, not childish, but childlike. I had to connect again with Oluwadzimise, who was five. I had to connect with my five-year-old. And how happy road and how happy. I took up pictures of me riding a three-wheel bicycle, wearing my blue dress and riding in our living room with a wild smile. I had to connect with that girl to help me find meaning to what was going on in my life. And, trust me, of course she came through, she always comes through, she always comes through. And then I sit down with her and what Jesus said he said let the children come to me, for theirs is like this is the kingdom of god. And that's what I did. I literally just shut myself down and I started to re-evaluate, to um, re-strategize, to rethink, to rewire my brain. And here I am trying to capture it for you.

Lessons Learned and Moving Forward

Speaker 2 20:49

As we get into this new season, season six of mindful utimisia, we will still have conversations. We will still try to demystify the questions in the, the blurriness that surrounds mental health questions. We're going to speak to assisted living. We're going to speak to women's health, not mental health. New men or is not parallel to our physical health? Some of the time, that ethic that you have is from a mental health question, that sleeplessness that you're experiencing is from a mental health question. So this season we're going to be having those conversations, questions. So this season we're going to be having those conversations and I'm also going to be working towards making sure that emotions are properly defined, or maybe not properly defined, but we're going to be seeing them from the eyes of different people, from different lenses, so that we truly, truly hunker down on this question that we all carry about. All right, is mental health mental ill health? Is mental ill health also mental health? All of these questions we're going to try to answer in this season to try to answer in the season.

Speaker 2 22:36

Now, what are the lessons I came up with or that came up for me during the season? The first was to, miche, be grateful that you know your basic vitals. Um, that is my weight, my height. Um, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, my blood pressure range. Um, I know why. I know that if I go 3-4 days without sleep, that is some sort of precursor to a hypomanic episode. If I'm too gloomy and is going on for more than a week, I know that I am swinging to the other side.

Speaker 2 23:28

And these vitals that I had on my fingertips, it was easy, or it made it easy, for me to be able to connect to my doctors, have conversations with my doctors and we could find quick solutions. We could find quick solutions. I'm not going to sit here and say that there are no doctors who just don't work according to patterns, right, and I'm not going to sit here and say there won't be some doctors who won't push back when you say you know, but the truth is, I am grateful that um, I have doctors will listen and um, that has true. That truly helped me and I could sit down and truly take a step back, and I remember Moji saying to me um, your words won't come back until you're down. That was scary, but it's one of the paradoxes. That is so true.

Speaker 2 24:42

I had to shut down to get my words again. I had to shut down to get my voice again. I had to shut down to see how we can do better with conversations around health, relationships and all of that, and I'm grateful that. Now, on the other side of things, I'm grateful that I followed the omens. If you have read the alchemist, you know what that means. I followed the omens, I stood with the omens good and the bad and I followed them and, um, I think I'm in a better place now. For now my voice is a little bit shaky, but compared to three, four weeks ago and, trust me, I'm in a better place.

Speaker 2 25:34

So I ask you again if you've ever had life tap you on the shoulder or shake you on the shoulder, and in the midst of all of this, I still lost a friend. And all of this was coming to me and I was like, okay, what are you saying? And I had to sit down to wrap that around myself. Now I want to invite you. I don't know where you are on your journey this year, how you are becoming and I hope you're sitting down to become all those early or early in the year I don't want to call them um what do they do at the beginning of the year? You see, I don't do them, so I can't even remember new year resolutions, yeah, okay, I don't know which of them you do whatever, however, you thought you were going to navigate 2025. I hope I want to invite you to sit down and begin to truly ask yourself if you are becoming that person, or you're working to becoming that person that you want to see come December 31st 2025.

Permission to Pause and Reflect

Speaker 2 27:08

What is your body telling you, what is your soul trying to say to you and, most importantly, what would happen if you treated rest not as luxury but as a form of listening? I'm not returning as the same Uluwatsumishi. Well, as you see, I think I'm returning a little bit softer, slower and definitely more certain, Certain that turning inwards is in weakness, certain that turning inwards is in shame. There's no guilt with turning inwards and asking yourself the salient questions that you need on your way to becoming. I'm returning more certain that there is wisdom in stepping back and being mindful of everything that happens in my life. I'm returning and embracing the whole essence of the book Living Mindfully A Journey to being. Stop, breathe, notice, reflect, reflect, respond and resolve. S-b-n-r-r-r became what helped me through the season of life in 2025. So I would leave a couple of things with you today. So I've left some. This is another one I'm leaving with you, with you today.

Speaker 2 28:59

If you take nothing away from this conversation or the solo ranting chat, take this away. You will not find your way by escaping the pain. One way that is sure that you will find your way is by walking through it, and mindfully too, like I do. I repeat that you won't find your way by escaping the pain. You will find your way only by walking through it mindfully. As I always say, sometimes maybe facetiously, but it's very real to me.

Speaker 2 29:48

Yin and yang tibi tiri la daye, the good and the bad work together to give us good. You cannot understand the bad without the good. You cannot understand the good without the bad. In the good there is the bad, in the bad there is the good. Everything in life is polar opposites, and that is why we have it all right. That's why we have to take a step back when the not too good happens and enjoy when the good happens, in preparation when life throws a curveball.

Speaker 2 30:30

All right, you're right. How are you? Yes, you, you've gotten to this point and I'm grateful. So I'm asking how are you? What are you going to do with my story that just shared with you and if this touched you, feel free to share it with someone who may be needing permission to pause, or you yourself, take this as a permission to pause. I want you to say to yourself right now my body remembers, my soul remembers and healing begins when I listen. Thank you very much for sticking with, mindfully, with michelle. We'll return next week. We'll start our conversations with guess who you find out. Thank you so very much for keeping faith with us and I hope that you share this. Follow me on socials, dm me, go to the website and just be. Thank you for listening. Stay mindful.

Speaker 1 32:47

Soar, thank you.