Love Unspoken: Honoring Relationships Before It's Too Late

Have you ever wondered why we often save our deepest expressions of love until after someone is gone? In this tender reflection, I explore the bittersweet human tendency to eulogize in death more than we celebrate in life.

We journey through three relationship patterns that shape our emotional landscape—the unreciprocated friendship where we give more than we receive, the "almost tribe" connections that begin with perfect alignment only to reveal fundamental differences, and those seasonal presences who enter our lives briefly but meaningfully. Each relationship type teaches us something profound about love, loss, and the psychology behind how we process both.

When news of someone's transition reaches us, our brains engage in a fascinating protective mechanism—filtering memories to hold onto curves rather than sharp edges. This isn't denial; it's our mind seeking peace amid grief. As I share, "Grief isn't a receipt, it is not about proof, it's about impact." Your connection to someone doesn't require proximity to validate your mourning.

The phrase "give me my flowers now" resonates throughout this episode as both plea and permission. Sometimes we're waiting for bouquets from people who don't even know we're hungry for one. And if recognition seems eternally forthcoming, perhaps the most radical act is buying your own flowers—seeing, celebrating, and validating yourself without external confirmation.

Life is layered, people are complex, and presence itself is a gift. The flowers we give today may become the memories others hold tomorrow. I invite you to consider: Who are you not giving flowers to, and what's stopping you? Join me in this heart space moment as we explore the power of presence and timely appreciation. Follow Mindfully with Tumishe on social media and share your thoughts on this episode through the link in the description.

Transcript

Welcome to Heart Space Moment

Speaker 1 1:13

Hey, mindful Partners, how are you today? Of course, you know that is code for. Have you checked in on yourself this week or today? Yourself this week or today? Welcome to another Heart Space Moment on Mindfully with Tumishe. I am Ulua Tumishe, and today I want to reflect on something very human, I believe, and it's also tender. It's about how we perceive love, how we receive love, how we give love and sometimes, how we might wait too long to express it. Before I go on, though, I need to put this out there that this is my reflection, and it may resonate with you differently than I have processed it. I hope, however, that it will be a self-conversation starter for you in how you relate to some certain social media lingua, and the one I'm trying to explore today is the one that has become so beautifully prevalent in our day-to-day language. Give me my flowers now.

Story One: The Unreciprocated Friend

Speaker 1 2:42

This particular thought I began to pen down way back in 2021, when I was going through a season of loss. It was a thought about how we tend to eulogize people in death more than we honor them in life, so I'm inviting you to. Let's talk, let's reflect some, let's get a little bit uncomfortable, but also I get to the main gist of this conversation today, or this rant, whatever it is you want to call it. And I believe these stories are very universal. Yet they can be personalized if we allow ourselves to remove the lenses of judgment that we wear. And judgment here means that the lesson, the lenses of how you see things outside of objectivity. So start story one say you have been friends with someone for so long and then life just happened. You believe that you have done everything to keep this person in your life. You have reached out, you've attended all their invitations, whether it was comfortable or not comfortable for you, you have been there for them in the good and, what you believe, the bad times. On your end, the connection feels so strong. But you also perceive that this energy is not matching energy for energy. So you get to the point that you tell yourself I'm not going to stay where, I'm not welcome. There's no beef, there's no bad blood. You just got to that realization that this person's well, let's call it a role in your life is over, maybe the sense that before you did, but now you have. You've gotten there. Now you still do chit-chat in these days, find yourselves on social media streets and salute each other so warmly and familiarly. Then you begin to wonder why can't we keep this energy up in real life, wonder why can't we keep this energy up in real life anyways?

Story Two: The Almost Tribe

Speaker 1 5:32

Fast forward to a well-lived life, kind of death, or maybe it's even a violent one or a just because kind of transition. Let me ask you, will you not mourn what has been, what was, what could have been and what it is? Strange as it might sound and I know I'm sounding like some new age guru right now At the center of the news of eternal transition, all emotions, good, bad, ugly and everything in between vanishes and you will want to keep the good memories. I think it's a kind of coping mechanism, simple, no matter how much you try to fight it, the bad experiences with this person or these persons in your life will matter very little. Now let's move on to people that you just met in life, not there from your beginning, but very instrumental in this phase of life that you are. Everything is going on fine, you have the same energy, love is flowing effortlessly. Wow, you say to yourself, have finally found my tribe. And you're there, cruising in blissful ignorance, not known exactly what or having an idea what kind of tribe this new tribe member had before they came into your life, the kind of tribe they are building or the kind of tribe that they have. Of course I'm sure you know the tribe here does not have any ethnic color or a tribal color.

Speaker 1 7:34

Then you begin to get deeper into this new tribe members life. You have become as Yoruba people will say no see, no sleep. Then you begin to really see and you found they have been masks all along. Your core values don't really align. This person isn't a bad person but for all that they have done in becoming your life and to you, you find that after such a long emotional investment that you do not align, then you are the one who moves on, not because you hate this person or dislike them or aiming negative thing. They have not done you anything wrong. You know they've not done badly. You just want to protect yourself. There's the sense of self-preservation that is so deep and strong and you just want to step away. And after this epiphany, this realization, this revelation, this tribe member remains in the tribe but their role in the order of things in your life is now managed, is now managed.

Speaker 1 8:54

Now let's fast forward again to the needs of a transition to eternity. After the shock, I can almost guarantee you that one of the first memories that will come back rushing is that of the beginning of the formation of the tribe with the tribe member, and how beautiful it was and enabling and invigorating the ugly. Memory will only flash through, and when they do, you might then even begin to question yourself, begin to question yourself what if I had not? Maybe if I had now, before I continue again with the stories, I feel so compelled to repeat that this is not a universal thought process, for I have met some people who, either by design or nurture, won't spare a moment for somber emotions or reflections that come with transitioning desk. Maybe that is also some sort of coping mechanism, or maybe it's just no words.

Speaker 1 10:22

Now there are another sets of people that one will meet in this journey called life. They only pop in when the need arises and you only pop into their life when the need arises, and that's about it. That's what the universe meant for the relationship to be like. Pursue anything deeper and you might just truly get hurt, and a person that was supposed to be there for just a moment or several moments in life becomes what we now call an enemy, a hater, and all the titular social media designations we give to these people that we perceive not to align with our perception, then again, you know what I'm going to say. Right, the news drops and the questions start. I dare say again, before the off-main moments of this fleeting relationship are explored at the scent of that news, the most probable memory that will pop up is the first moment they popped into your life. Alright, I know you're wondering, tumishi, where are you going with all of this? Don't worry, I'll try to round this up very soon. Don't worry, I'll try to round this up very soon.

Speaker 1 12:08

There's actually something psychological about all the stories and how we deal with life, why the brain tend to romanticise after loss. Our brains in grief often protect us, they filter, we forget the sharp edges and hold on to the curves. It's a coping mechanism. It doesn't mean the pain wasn't real, it just means memory wants peace. So when you hear people say, but why are you mourning? You weren't even that close. Remember this Grieve isn't a receipt, it is not about proof, it's about impact.

Speaker 1 12:58

Now let's break this down, or attempt to break it down, because not all relationships are built the same. The first one, of course, is the perceived, unreciprocated friend. You showed up, you stayed, you did spread. Yet you love them and that Sometimes we reach out so much we forget to check if anyone else is reaching out back, and when we stop, the silence is loud, but still you remember them warmly. That's not weakness, that's your strength. The second one, of course, is the almost tribe. You found someone, you vibed, you thought finally my person. But as layers peeled, your values misaligned. The masks slept, not in a villainous way, just differently built. It hurts, yes, because you invested, but working away is in betrayal. It is self-preservation and the seasonal presence.

Plant Your Own Flowers

Speaker 1 14:10

Some people are only here for a moment. The colleague who helped you through a rough patch, the neighbor who dropped off food when you were sick, the prayer partner who vanished, trying to stretch them into forever, can break you. Let them be what they are or what they were meant to be, some kind of divine cameo appearances in your life. So let's get a little mindful, pardon the pun right here. Let's do a quick exercise together. Think of someone who meant something to you, even if it ended strangely.

Speaker 1 15:09

Now ask what flower did they plant in your life? What memory still blooms? And now, who are you not giving flowers to, and what's stopping you? Sometimes we're waiting for bouquets from people who don't even know we're hungry for one. And remembering how I ran, this was thought of back in 2021.

Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Speaker 1 15:51

If no one is giving you flowers, please buy your own. Cut them, smell them, put them in a vase and whisper I am worthy because you are. Love yourself loudly, love others freely, but never forget. Your validation is sacred and it starts with you. I'll wrap this up for today. Remember that life is layered, people are complex, that presence is a gift and sometimes the flower we give today becomes the memory someone holds tomorrow. So if you must give the flowers, give them. Say the words Be mindful, be here, be present, be love.

Speaker 1 17:11

This is Zuluwa Tsuneshe, still giving and receiving flowers, still believing in the power of presence. Until next time, please follow Mindful Tsuneshe on all socials. Leave a note about what you think about this episode. Just look at the description and you'll see a link there that simply says send us a text and a follow, or your rating will go a long way to suggesting this podcast to someone or people who might need it. So thank you in advance, as you're ready to follow. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country. Above all of this, love God. He is the essence of your being. We'll get back to conversations next week and that conversation, I trust you, you do not want to miss is about special needs parenting and special needs kids. You don't want to miss that. I am Uluwatsumishi, stay mindful.