The Dance of Dual Vulnerability: Loving Through Limitations

What does it look like to love someone through mental health challenges while navigating your own vulnerabilities? 

Dare Dairo, an advocate and polio survivor, opens his heart to share the beautiful complexity of his marriage to a woman thriving with bipolar disorder.

Growing up shielded from stigma, Dare's childhood was marked not by limitation but by inclusion—jumping fences with friends and competing over who read more James Hadley Chase novels. 

This foundation shaped his approach to disability advocacy and ultimately, his understanding of love. When he met his future wife, he boldly declared she looked like someone who would be the mother of his children. Neither knew then how their relationship would become a masterclass in emotional fluency and mutual support.

The conversation travels through their journey of discovery when his wife experienced her first bipolar episode after a neighbourhood dispute. Rather than retreating, he leaned into understanding—learning trigger points, maintaining consistent communication despite living separately, and rejecting the harmful notion that love blessed by God should be free from challenges. "Perfection is not part of the mix in love," he shares, likening their relationship to different combustion rates: "I burn like diesel, she burns like petrol."

This episode offers profound insights for anyone in a relationship touched by mental health challenges: the importance of support networks, balancing spirituality with medical intervention, and finding strength in shared vulnerability. As tunmise beautifully reflects, "What if the most generous thing you could ever do is let someone see your scars and still stay open?"

Whether you're supporting a loved one or seeking understanding for your own journey, this conversation reminds us that thriving isn't about being flawless—it's about choosing each other, imperfections and all, every single day.

Transcript

Introduction to Dari and his journey

Speaker 1 1:05

okay. So you heard the breath there. I'm trying very hard to start this conversation as normally as possible, but somehow I don't know if it's going to be that, um, normal, because if you have followed Mindfully With you Mission long enough, you know that most of the people that I call guests are people that I have collected on my journey to being no point intended. And this conversation I'm having with this guy today, yeah, I'm sure another thing you have noticed is I have a lot of male friends, all right. So imagine a story where both hearts um carry different kinds of ways, where support is mutual and vulnerability isn't one-sided.

Speaker 1 2:04

My guest today is isn't one sided. My guest today is Daryl. He's an advocate, a creative mind, a thought leader and a man leaving weeks of special ability. But today he's not here to just share his story because I'm sure a lot of people know the story. He reached out to me. So I think when I came back from the long break that I took on Mindflow with Jim Shea, he reached out to me and said Jim Shea, I think I want us to collaborate and I'm like huh, how? And he went my life, my wife thrives, leaving with the bipolar disorder. To be honest, I was like huh, and this is me who leaves with bipolar affective disorder, and I'm like okay, and my head begins to spin and of course, there's an inside joke that I can't share here. But it's a conversation about grace, about resonance, about dual vulnerability. As I said, it is about choosing to love even when life presents limitation.

Speaker 2 3:30

Ah, dari thank you to michi. Uh well, where do I really start from? You know, I don't know the this thing about you having a lot of men, I mean male friends, this thing about you having a lot of men, I mean male friends. You forgot that you were almost one yourself. You were a tomboy I don't know, you were a tomboy. You see.

Speaker 1 3:55

This is why I should stop bringing people when I'm in the show.

Speaker 2 3:58

We know, I know, you know way back from me. Fair, you know you're a tomboy, you've been well, maybe childbearing had dealt a little bit with a little bit part of that you know, are you sure?

Speaker 1 4:12

well, you'll have to ask my children and they'll tell you whether it has dealt with me.

Speaker 2 4:16

No, no, no, it's still there I'm human, that's all.

Speaker 1 4:21

Like you're saying, good, it's all good the first time I. The first time I saw you was now. You say Ife, did you ever see? Did I ever know you in Ife?

Speaker 2 4:33

incidentally, knowing you in Ife was like I never knew you, because we never talk because I can't remember.

Speaker 1 4:46

I don't have a memory of Ife it was after we met in.

Speaker 2 4:50

Equifem that you were even the one that pricked my memory now, I was able to remember snippets because of one or two of the people that you mentioned that were your friends then, so that was able why I was able to have some snippets of memory.

Speaker 2 5:08

All right, you know all right and you know, uh, there's no way you could have gone to infer and, um, especially in that department, english, english. You know, um, there's a thing about it there. I don't know if it's still like that. You know there is. You always find one way or the other to coalesce with your. You know there was the department.

Speaker 1 5:33

The Aveless, aveless, there was.

Speaker 2 5:35

Aveless, there was this news agency, oh Sorry.

Speaker 1 5:40

So I was very disconnected in school. Okay, completely disconnected. Aveless is because so I was very disconnected in school. Okay, completely disconnected. Ava lessons, because, well, ava lessons.

Speaker 2 5:46

Ava lessons. You didn't have a choice, yeah.

Speaker 1 5:49

But I know the newspaper you're talking about.

Speaker 2 5:51

Yes, but I was disconnected too, because I was never part of any of those.

Speaker 1 5:55

I was.

Speaker 2 5:56

Completely disconnected. I charted my own path. What year did you finish? I finished 96.

Speaker 1 6:07

I did, you finish, I finished now this I I came into, if in 96 and that was another whole kettle of fish and I spent eight years in ife almost a lot of time, you understand.

Speaker 2 6:12

Yeah so I came in 94, I left 2004. You left with me I left 2004.

Speaker 1 6:19

I left in 2004. I came in 96 2004.

Speaker 2 6:23

2004, that's 8 years.

Speaker 1 6:24

I left. I came in 99. Yes, I came in 99.

Speaker 2 6:31

I finished 2004, so a lot of people were confused was I in philosophy, or was I in theatre arts or English? You know? Because from day one I knew I'm not the type that was going to write application for a job. I knew this certificate was not going to feed me. I actually wanted to learn to expand my mind, so I took a lot of courses in philosophy, logic.

Speaker 1 7:02

So what did you?

Speaker 2 7:03

study English.

Speaker 1 7:05

Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 7:06

So I took a lot of courses in philosophy and theatre arts, you know. So I did a lot of. I did logic, I did African socio-political philosophy. You know, I did. You know a whole lot of things. Then I just wanted to expand my mind and explore. I even did a paid diploma in French, really yeah, when I was in IFE. So I mean I made the best of those eight years of IFE, okay okay, so I didn't.

Speaker 1 7:45

I think I only did logic and philosophy. Um, I did logic all my year. Yeah, it wasn't in part one.

Speaker 1 7:54

I was more comfortable with dramatic arts and you know that it was in dramatic arts that we had radio courses and TV courses yeah, so that yeah so because I, I was already, uh, an intern, okay, um, uh with radio, with my tv, and then um, um, a queer film, at the time it was easier for me to just pitch my tent with dramatic arts and um, um, I know the only the only other language. You know the only other language you know. You had to take another language.

Speaker 1 8:26

You took French, I took Yoruba, I took French, I took Yoruba. And well, I didn't finish taking Yoruba. Anyways, I think I stopped taking Yoruba in part two or part three, so we have given. I was going to reel out this thing about.

Growing up with polio and shielded childhood

Speaker 1 8:46

Diary, but I do not think that we should go into that. Let's just get into the conversation, please. What is please? I know that's time. Welcome to Officially welcome to Mindflow with Sumishe and thank you for reaching out to me that conversation when you reached out to me, I was. I said okay, I wanted this conversation to be about you and not from my own lenses as a person who's also I want, I love to what is thriving with my power, but let's begin with you tell me.

Speaker 1 9:25

And Thriving with bipolar, but let's begin with you Tell me and, by extension, anyone who listened to this something you wish people understood better about you Outside of Dari the person who is preaching inclusivity and is living with a special ability. What is that one thing that you wish people understood about you outside of how you are seen? Thank you very much. That just sounded so ranting, but go ahead, yeah.

Speaker 2 10:07

First, as an inclusion advocate, as a person, as a polio survivor myself, I'm living with I'm a survivor of childhood polio. You know it's something. Living with child uh, I'm a survivor of childhood polio, you know, um, it's something that hardly shipped my awareness of myself. You know it's, it's, it's the, it's the social awakening that you know, as as like, as I grow, like, I got to become aware of it. I was shielded. I was shielded. My childhood was shielded because, you know, I had that love and understanding. I mean, my senior sister, one of my senior siblings, had to shift to afternoon school so that she could take me for therapy at Orthopedic Hospital every morning. Wow, so how lucky can you get? So you didn't even know that something was wrong.

Speaker 2 11:21

You understand? Yeah, you didn't see the something. No, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you was wrong. You understand?

Speaker 1 11:24

yeah, you didn't see the song yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotcha yeah and I've never attended a school, any school for people with disability.

Speaker 2 11:31

I went to the regular schools and in my secondaries, right from my primary secondary school days, I had this wonderful friends that we were competing for everything together. Yeah, you understand, and those were the early days, those were while you were jumping fences, so you didn't see it I practically actually did so you didn't you?

Speaker 1 11:58

so you didn't see the disability until you were today.

Speaker 2 12:03

Today, some of my friends still call me for one night for calling myself a person with disability. Really, yeah. They call me for one night and say you, daryl, you are calling yourself disabled. Do people know the things we used to do together way back then in secondary school? You are not disabled Because we jumped fences together. We did all the things together. I was the one helping them to write the love letters.

Speaker 1 12:26

I was the one helping them to write the love letters. That was where I discovered my writing skill. That I can believe. Oh, why? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Go ahead, yeah Well anyway.

Speaker 2 12:34

So I mean, so I and you know we compete. The competition was stiff. You know, I've read. I read about 46 topics titles of James Hadley Chase, about 26 Harold Robbins. So we compete about these things, you know. I mean, my wife saw the list somewhere some time ago and was like what you know? So those were the kind of environment I grew up in. The only thing we don't compete. I don't rate them you understand beyond that?

Speaker 1 13:04

there were the only thing we don't compete. I don't rate them.

Speaker 2 13:06

You understand Beyond that, we do that there were days who would jump fence my prosthetics, my calipers would fold, I would break it off. So I mean, there was one particular one lad, he's a very, very bad chap like that. He would be the one to come find the stone and beat it to strengthen it, and all of that, so so it was easy there was no question, you understand, so I I that the disability, the reality of disability, only started to dawn on me after I left the university you know a little bit of it when I was in university, but even in university because I did literature, you know, and in my set that set, 96 sets, we were like more than 300, but only 15 were literature, only 50.

Speaker 1 13:52

So we felt like a special you guys still feel so very special but there's nothing special about literature well, I give it a good uh uh, I know guba, I've his he's. He's late now yeah, yeah, you know so what am I saying?

Speaker 2 14:10

all of that shipped my reality away from that. Uh, fatalists uh gotcha. You understand that PT thing about disability. I never saw it. It was after I left the university and my first experience of the reality. So now I can. Now, looking back, I realized that was a privilege. I had the privilege to bring it.

Speaker 1 14:40

Privilege, not by virtue of money, status and all of that Love and care and understanding and inclusion, that inclusion was.

Speaker 2 14:49

I lived it naturally all through my life, you know so. With that background, my thinking and approach to disability advocacy will only just but be different. You know so will only just but be different, you know so. With that in mind, I am more interested in the human in us, you understand, enhancing the humanity in us all. You know that bridges across social, ethnic, environmental and, of course, disability being one of them. You know so. With that in mind, the kind of things empowerment I think of is one that focuses, that enhances the person. You understand, not just the circumstance. You understand. So a lot of people don't understand that person. You understand, not just the circumstance. You understand, um, so a lot of people don't understand that and how that reflects in me.

Finding love and making bold choices

Speaker 1 15:54

I do, I'm trying to remember the name of your programming realms of freedom, realms of freedom, you see that I was hearing the realms. I was not hearing the pilgrims so it's initially realms realms was. That is this, is this thought process how you grew up with the word birthed realms of freedom realms of freedom.

Speaker 2 16:17

Realms was just a program I met on Equal FM when, I came in and it's just about eclectic songs okay it's programmed did I produce that for a bit yeah, you did okay. For some years you did, uh, um, my first producer was uh Mewar Japanese. No, no, no, not, not he's, he's, he's in abroad now we talk papati before papati latex.

Speaker 1 16:48

No, ah, ah ah, it's not latex, it's not papati, it's not me ah god, I'm seeing his face right now.

Speaker 2 16:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah bukola. No, when you remember anyway so, and we, we, we formed a bond, you know, and he's Aki.

Speaker 1 17:06

Aiedu.

Speaker 2 17:09

He has to be Aki Aiedu.

Speaker 1 17:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, Aki Aiedu is not your regular guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's another crazy guy, you know.

Speaker 2 17:16

And you know now look at the personality of someone like Aiedu, for example you know, Aiedu took me on, Ayidun took me on. He didn't take me on like a regular rookie and all of that. He demystified it for me, but he was very disciplined. He was like okay, I mean, do your scripts.

Speaker 1 17:37

Let me not drag Akin in, because I know he's going to listen. Akin used to relieve me later and he would do it on purpose, just to get me to be angry, because he knew I hated him. But he's such a sweet soul he's a sweetheart.

Speaker 2 17:49

And another thing about Akin Ayedu is Akin. Akin is a jack of so many things. You know Akin was a hustler, he was doing business, he was selling cars he was doing. He's still a hustler, oh god. Oh God, man, they should bustle that guy's brain and sell it. So that influence also that brought me into radio and it energized me to see radio like another platform where I can really explore which I did.

Speaker 1 18:18

So you can see the trajectory.

Speaker 2 18:20

I've always been in an environment freely competitive, An enabling environment.

Speaker 1 18:23

You understand Enabling environment freely competitive without being, you know, an environment freely, an enabling, environment.

Speaker 2 18:26

You understand enabling environment freely competitive without being you know. And you know one thing also my mom put in me is say it again even if you're going through the worst Of poverty, it must not Show.

Speaker 1 20:25

On you, okay. So I'm going to try To translate that, because I have a handful Of non-Eurovets and people who are Non-Nigerians or Africans Listening to this Ayubodo Tibi Ishe Tibi.

Speaker 2 20:38

Asho Moshe.

Speaker 1 20:41

Lar loosely translates to no one should see how poor I am, by the way.

Speaker 2 20:48

I look, I look yeah, you understand and you know that is also a cultural, you know you no.

Speaker 1 20:58

so let's explore that for a bit. Let's explore that for a bit. That shaped your perception, didn't it that?

Speaker 2 21:07

shaped a lot as in like. You must not look like. Whatever you're going through, don't wear your sorrow, don't wear your problem. You understand, you know. It helped me to differentiate between my circumstance and where I'm going, what I want, right, look? Just yesterday I sent some pictures to my wife. She said hello, what is all this? I said I went window shopping, you understand. So if you give me 20 billion today, I have a list of things I could do with that. If you give me 10,000 Naira today, you already know what's going to happen you understand.

Speaker 2 21:54

I window shop a lot, even though I don't have one Naira in my account. You understand lot, even though I don't have one error in my account, you understand. So you must always be guided by where you're going, not the where you are.

Speaker 1 22:07

Where you are, oh my goodness yes, the big pictures as well so these are part of the things that shaped me.

Speaker 2 22:13

You know, I mean eight years in ife for a four-year course.

Speaker 1 22:18

How did I live that through? How did I live through those dark days?

Speaker 2 22:23

You understand.

Speaker 1 22:25

And.

Speaker 2 22:28

I've gone through a whole lot after that, even till now, presently, you understand, I mean I'm going through a lot, but I didn't allow it to break me, to get into me, so yeah, so that's just one thing about Dairi Dairu.

Speaker 1 22:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2 22:49

That upbringing. I have an upbringing and my journey has been shaped by things that challenge me to think beyond the immediate of the situation. But you see, for every choice there is a prize Right. It means to some people, when people can easily stick things on you, you know, because when you don't fit into the boxes, you know people that they have tried to put you in, they want to cut you, they want to punish you for that, they want to deal with you for that.

Speaker 2 23:26

You know so. But in spite of all of that, I am one person that I believe in the near infinite nature of the human capacity, of the human mind you understand we are little gods in ourselves. You know, if god created us in our image, there's so much power he has infused in us. So it's because of everybody what you're using that power to achieve. But for me, you know, no matter my limitation, I choose to allow it to expand my capacity to create, even if only in my mind, and then work towards it.

Speaker 1 24:07

All right, so we're going to get to the base, the meat of this conversation.

Speaker 2 24:12

Yeah.

Speaker 1 24:14

Before meeting your wife, what were your thoughts about emotional and mental health?

Speaker 2 24:22

I would say nada Right, I was dealing enough with uh you're dealing with disability enough. So mental health was not even all that I mean doesn't come into the radar, and it's about that time. That was a bit of a that look, you're not getting younger, do something. And well, ironically, you will think that because I'm a person with disability, I had limited options. No, I know, I had plenty. You know, let's not even go there.

Speaker 1 25:01

Let's not go there because we'll just be opening people, you know yeah.

Speaker 2 25:07

So I had to get spiritual about it and about and the way she came, you know I there was no doubt about it that okay, this is what God wants. And the first they were going to talk it was just, I gave her a ride about five minutes, five minutes from Secretary's mosque, you know where, secretary, back to a queer firm. That's less than five minutes. Five minutes from Secretariat mosque you know where it's at back to a queer friend.

Discovering wife's bipolar disorder

Speaker 2 25:32

That's less than five minutes you know, and as she was getting down, I gave her my card and I, like you, know what you look like somebody. I would like to be the mother of my children. Wow, and he look at me like she. Man, you learn when somebody have series yeah and that's how dead sure I was then you know, this is it. And then, so, yeah, less than a year, we were married. You know, uh, I was born on friday, she was born on friday. We met on a friday so we wanted to get married on a Friday but somehow, somehow we had to shift it.

Speaker 2 27:13

We had made between us, we had made all the plans for Friday until pressure came externally. And all this, so we have to only take the. Friday after that. And guess what Uncle Lou, till today he always called me valentine husband so that saturday happened to be a valentine's day so we got married on a valentine's day, oh you know you're such a romantic.

Speaker 1 27:39

Oh well, you're such, you're such, you're such a romantic, but a lot of people don't know. I thought I thought you were going to say when I asked that question you're such a lot of people don't know about. And if you're asking me how I know that he was such a romantic, who was so with such good friends and way beyond, you know me being a producer of realms of freedom. We would have conversations. Who would talk over books? Who would talk over poems? Uh, late nights and in um, my 12th? Okay, don't think my 12th.

Speaker 1 28:10

Don't think my 12th is my 12th market.

Speaker 2 28:12

So my 12th you only take somebody in a quarter to know what my 12th is, and then we'll sit down just, and we had a lot of conversations in those places, uh, in my 12th.

Speaker 1 28:23

So let's talk about your wife now. How did you come to learn that she lived with bipolar?

Speaker 2 28:36

disorder. The first time it happened was she had a crisis.

Speaker 1 28:44

Okay.

Speaker 2 28:45

Something triggered the crisis. She had a crisis. Okay, something triggered the crisis, and um, but before then I had been seeing whims of the likelihood because of heredity, heredity.

Speaker 1 28:59

Heredity.

Speaker 2 29:00

Yeah, you know but then I just was dead sure that this is it. And one thing also for me was the fact that you know, she didn't marry me out of pity. You'll be amazed the kind of conversations we have between ourselves, sometimes in the house, sometimes I'll I'll be asking her to do something. And now she'll be like what, why do you like me? And I was like no, you don't, yeah. And she was like oh, wow, so sweet, okay. So let me help those who don't understand.

Speaker 1 29:48

So he's talking about him and his wife having conversations around his disability and actually making jokes um um about it, and the one that made me laugh was he just said that his wife was he was. He's asking his wife to do something and then his wife is a please free me. And then he goes like ah, but you know I'm lame and like excuse you.

Speaker 2 30:11

I think the the best way to please. You know I'm crippled, I'm crippled so. So I mean, you know you see me as a creep before you marry me and you're like no, no, no, no, don't use that on me. I I didn't marry you out of pity.

Speaker 1 30:27

So that won't work.

Speaker 2 30:29

So we had that flow and for me, when it happened, the first thing was like okay, so this is it. It's part of the deal. A human being is just like an audience. We have layers and layers. I have a friend, you know way. It was my classmates. It was away from I knew him way back from me, fake and his mom. He told me about his mom's case. His mom is bipolar, you know, so the thing never happened until they lost their sister. That was what triggered it. And after the first crisis they treated she was okay, so she relocated abroad, you know. So she was in abroad, she was okay for years.

Speaker 2 31:26

So they thought, oh, I mean it's a forgotten thing and all of that. She wasn't. She was no, even no longer on medication, so I think there was a family event or something so she had to come to nigeria and she got to nigeria from the airport, she relapsed. She relapsed, so they have to take her on the next available flight back. To the abroad that she came from. You understand, so what?

Speaker 1 31:55

was your own emotional response when your wife had knowing that she knew there was family history. So when she had, of course, somehow you would have thought that, well, this is me assuming. Somehow you would have thought that, well, this is me assuming that you'd have thought that, oh, she should know how to manage it. So what was what was your first emotional apart from okay, no, we are in this together you didn't general standard, pity thing. What was your first emotional response when she had that first psychotic break?

Speaker 2 32:32

I think my first emotional reaction was like God, why this? You understand, like no another one.

Speaker 1 32:45

I'm dealing with one.

Speaker 2 32:46

I don't know. No, another one, I'm dealing with one, I don't know. I didn't see it like that, because it's like you gave me this bowl, so why put this mix in it? You understand, you gave me this cocktail or whatever you understand. So why this this, you know? So, um, but I stood my ground because I was like okay, after all, even me myself, let me go by doing me, me yeah and so well.

Speaker 2 33:22

So we'll deal with it, but at the point it was overwhelming. It became overwhelming, you know, when they were practically nobody left and right, and just at that last moment. That's why some people in your life you know you look at them and you see them look at them in a certain way.

Speaker 2 33:45

They don't understand what is going through your mind some people are not just human, they are the hand of god in your life. You understand, so at that. There was a particular day I was like I'm I'm done, I've had enough, I'm calling these quits, you know. And somebody just came in then and said Daddy, go and see your girlfriend. They are aware. So, Okay, what's the problem? This, this, this, this Okay, and we moved on from there.

Speaker 1 34:21

Did she see the psychiatrist?

Speaker 2 34:23

That was, that was that was a little issue and that's Well, that was a little issue and that's all. I'll talk a little about it to also enlighten. You see, in marriage, you know, the first thing that helped me was the fact that I was prayerful about the time I met her, because there were quite a number of people I had in mind then. So you know, so I had no doubt that, okay, this is God's choosing, and I also had the understanding that the fact that it is God's choosing does not mean it will be perfect.

Speaker 2 35:05

Okay so let me, let me, let me. It will be perfect in the sense that it that it won't have your human.

Speaker 1 35:13

You understand, okay, so let me help. Let me help someone listening to this now, because I think that we've gotten to the point or what I see when I read or see social media posts and all of that and the way we protect our mental health. We are saying that because you have faith, because you believe in God or you have some form of religious inkling or leaning where you can manifest or you know the things, that then there is not supposed to be obstacles no, no, you know.

Speaker 2 35:54

The thing is they've been telling us a lot of wrong things about god and that's it's been messing up people's brain. And don't forget that we are africans, we're coming from this, we are, we are a highly spiritual people.

Navigating the relationship through crisis

Speaker 2 36:08

Our spiritual is functional. That's why sometimes we fall into a whole lot of superstition. Right Now they've been telling us a whole lot of motivational nonsense about God. Look, there's volcano. It's violent, it's destructive. It's violent, it's destructive, but even in that violence of that volcano, there's the sweetness and mercy of God. Manifesting Planes crash A whole generation of people and dreams go with it Along which I imagine. God is still God.

Speaker 1 36:46

You understand.

Speaker 2 36:47

So that God is, God does not mean that there won't be challenges.

Speaker 1 36:51

There won't be challenges, you understand those are look. I want to capture this emotion, but look at, look at, look at, look at petroleum do you know the process that formed those things?

Speaker 2 37:10

The archaeologist says that if the age of the world were to compress into a 12-month calendar, we humans came somewhere late in November. So from January to November God was preparing the earth for us. Those process of preparation, a lot of things went into it. The petroleum we are enjoying I mean countries, nations are enjoying today, people, it is human, it is carbon from life existence, that was captured over years that formed that we are now enjoying. You understand. So what happened? What is the fate of all those life, the dinosaurs, the people that were extinct for us to enjoy today.

Speaker 2 38:03

So God is still God. Whatever challenge you're going through does not make God less still God. Whatever challenge you're going through does not remove, doesn't make God less of God.

Speaker 1 38:10

Let me, let me. I want, I, just I wish now, I wish I had told you to bring her, and you know what I want you to. If you can go back to that moment when she was diagnosed and you found out and you know she had a crisis.

Speaker 2 38:28

What happened was that we had a misunderstanding there was, it was a, it was a neighborhood thing. You know we had a committee, community and you know. One other thing I would say is excuse me in managing mental, mental health, you must have a strong support network. Yeah, it starts from the family, immediate, you know. Imagine you have a lifetime of having to take some drugs you know, so also you must have that's a strong support network of people.

Speaker 2 39:09

It could be faith-based network, it could be friends, it could be whatever. So there was an issue, a little misunderstanding, and you know, in my own response deal with it, deal with it. I can't be bothered about that. So in doing that, she felt betrayed that. I should have been a little bit more understanding, know the details and react differently how did you guys now navigate that?

Speaker 1 39:45

so that was what triggered it.

Speaker 2 39:47

That was what triggered it. Oh, oh, that was what triggered it. I just came in and I saw her. She was curled up in a fatal position. You know and I knew okay, Dari, I've done this one. This is different.

Speaker 1 40:07

Okay. So of course we know that thriving is a choice and I'm wondering why you chose? Because we were talking and I said I know, you know, I live with bipolar and you were like I have a wife who's thriving. Why are you using that word?

Speaker 2 40:22

Well, both of us are language students so yeah, I said thriving, because now she's a mental health advocate herself you know, I mean she, she's, she talks about it openly, she's mentoring a number of people and family on mental health, you know.

Speaker 2 40:39

So she's thriving, because at a point she was living in denial. Oh yeah, you know, and that is dangerous. Denial is dangerous, but accepting it the opposite of denial doesn't also make it easier either, because that means you have to embrace the reality of having to take drugs every day and all of that. Well, you see, my wife could well. You must know the trigger points, you must know the red flags, you know when we talk. The first thing I want to know is when did you go to bed last night and when did you wake up? My husband?

Speaker 1 41:20

should be here. Okay, so now, why do you guys ask us that question? No, no, no, because sleep is important yes.

Speaker 2 41:33

My wife can complain about anything.

Speaker 1 41:37

But then when she said I can't sleep, but then when she said I can't sleep, Okay, what can we do? You understand?

Speaker 2 41:48

So the first thing I want to know. Okay, so what is happening there?

Speaker 1 41:52

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 2 41:54

So you must know the trigger point but most importantly, you must be there. I remember one of the one of her rounds. Sometime I followed her to uh. We were using uh neuropsychiatric hospital arrow okay, no, abecuta, abecuta and um, there was a lady. She was just staring at us and you know we're always a cantankerous bunch bit of you bit of us cantankerous in the sense that always making fun pity you understand, you know so the lady was just looking at us at a point.

Speaker 2 42:37

She now came and met me and said sir, I appreciate you. Said, madam, you're lucky he said she just, she got married just two years ago. She had her first crisis shortly after marriage and that was what broke the marriage, you know, and there has never been anybody there for her, and even her parents find it hard to follow her to Aru, you understand.

Speaker 1 43:12

I mean, like Aru is just, he's just a hospital now you know, if we start that conversation we're not going to finish. Yeah, so the?

Speaker 2 43:23

first thing, you know you, you must get enlightened. You know there is a whole lot of superstition and stigma around mental health. You know, and I think that's even a bigger chunk of the problem. You know, because the moment you fall into that um stigma and that superstition, you, you missed it, it's a, it's a wrong tone. And then you, yes, well, we, I mean we're spiritual people pray about it. I would do a lot of that. Hey, I'm a Muslim, if any Muslim out there, if you know what Rukia is all about. I mean, I mean Rukia is Islamic will of exorcism, oh, deliverance, you understand, you know, I mean I subscribe to all of subscribe to all of that too, but but you must know where spiritualism stops and where medication can be medication.

Speaker 2 44:26

Physicality never stops. Medication should be part of it, of it.

Speaker 1 44:32

Okay, you understand so I have a question again. I wish my, I wish maybe, maybe, maybe there'll be another episode where she'll come. You'll be here, my husband will be here and we'll all just have conversation.

Speaker 2 44:47

We'll be asking you to support the questions.

Speaker 1 44:51

I think we should do that sometime soon so what have you discovered about love from being in this kind of emotionally fluent relationship? Because what you've just described is an emotionally fluent relationship.

Speaker 2 45:09

Well, love is a hard nut to crack, you understand. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, like they say.

Speaker 1 45:24

Okay, what do I mean?

Speaker 2 45:25

by that, please. You see, we all those meals and booms and fake spirituality did all those wrong things. They told us about God that if it is of God, they must be perfect?

Speaker 1 45:40

No, we're not angels.

Speaker 2 45:44

When God wanted perfection, he created angels. Those are the ones that are perfect because they don't have will. That's why judgment will not be visited on them. But as humans, we have will. You understand?

Speaker 1 46:03

So we make choices.

Speaker 2 46:06

Now this thing called love. You know, first you must accept you as a human being. Are you complete? Are you perfect? No, you're not. So how come you think the other person is perfect? Are you perfect? No, you're not. So how come you think the other person is perfect? You know, because I love you, you love me does not mean everything should perfectly fit. You understand, there's a, there's a, there's a rhythm, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a frequency that has set into your personality and mine too. So to get those frequency to harmonize is not just going to happen overnight. Something, one or two things would have to give along the way.

Speaker 2 46:54

For example, I am a, I'm a nit freak, my wife is a bit of a clutter because that's the way I bring works she understand she couldn't be bothered about all those details why everywhere must be speak span and all that there's so much already in my head, so let me help you.

Love isn't perfect: Finding connection

Speaker 1 47:24

Let me just help you. There's so many things already in our head, like I was still thinking about the gf today. Um, that, because when I was younger, you know, my space had to be a certain way and, if you remember, in the queer firm too, you don't touch my, don't touch my cds don't touch my pen you know because I've put it there.

Speaker 1 47:43

So there's a lot going on in our heads already that we're trying to, we're trying very hard, um, to make the compulsive part of our disorder to work for us and not against us. So, yeah, I couldn't bother if I. I couldn't bother if the, I really couldn't bother if the place was.

Speaker 2 48:04

I really yeah, yeah. So that One of the way. I mean just last weekend we had that conversation that if we had been living together 24-7, we would probably have broken up. So you guys don't live together 24-7.

Speaker 1 48:20

Now, yeah, oh, okay, from day one.

Speaker 2 48:22

Oh alright. Even before the crisis came. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 48:26

You understand.

Speaker 2 48:27

And another thing was that our frequencies. I burn like diesel, she burns like petrol.

Speaker 1 48:40

It helped my non-chemical diesel burns slow or longer.

Speaker 2 48:47

In terms of energy, okay but she, she can go from zero to one to hundred in a moment, you understand. So one moment. So that's why it's I'm a bit of the more of the rational type and all of that. And one moment she does things. I take time to get worked up, but once I'm worked up I don't get I'm worked, thank you. So the next minute she said she's now joking. And now me? I'm now looking like the Alasheju you understand okay, just this weekend.

Speaker 2 49:33

Okay, we went to Idumata together, right, and okay, she went to do her thing. I have to wait for her to take her back now, together, right and um, okay, she went to do her thing. I have to wait for her to take her back. Now, you know, you do not matter. Now Maru say you can stay, so, okay, let me just go and turn and come back. That took me three hours, wow. And she has an appointment, a class to take. You know, we got to do matter around 10. She has a class by one, and around around 11 we've got to do around one, she has a class by one. So, just for me to go and talk, okay. So why she was shouting? She was angry, madam, she's true, calm down. What do we do now? Okay, you know what, go to come and meet me at Central Mosque, so so so come and meet me there, Okay.

Speaker 2 50:27

Okay, she's not doing that Me. I've moved on. Okay, what's the next option? You understand? Meanwhile, she's still angry, that you know so so me, I'm always like the okay, what's the next thing? But she, when she's stuck in that emotional part, she's stuck. So I had to go and take a detour, meet me at adeniji, okay. So we met at adeniji eventually she was. So I was like okay, map Mabinu, because I know what I went through, how much fuel I burned and all of that to take that little to be there.

Speaker 1 51:06

And she's still she was still upset, she was crying, and guess what?

Speaker 2 51:12

A few minutes later she was all smiling. So come here, mabinu.

Speaker 1 51:16

And Mia was angry. You were still upset that she didn't understand where you were coming from. Again, we're going to have that conversation where bumi will be here.

Speaker 2 51:25

She'll be here and for us, we just I think it's a conversation we should have demystify. You know this whole thing about mental health especially among couples.

Speaker 1 51:38

I think we should have that conversation mental health challenge shouldn't be a reason that couples should break up oh my goodness, this conversation I'm trying very hard for us to keep it within an hour so that we don't lose people so, if your love story because you love books, if your love story and because you love books, if your love story was and I know you love music- Mm-hmm. If we're going to pick a soundtrack to this dual vulnerability of what your family is, what will be the soundtrack? Nice, which nice? The?

Speaker 2 52:33

soundtrack nice, which means I can't deny that I love that she be the woman of my life bros no, be like. And incidentally you know we share that song between us. Oh, that's nice. And why I picked that song is because Rough Are the Edges, sometimes it's down, sometimes it's hard, but hey, you must always find that connecting point.

Speaker 1 53:05

You understand.

Speaker 2 53:06

One God has a purpose while you are there. Two she can deal with. You can both deal with this together, if God has brought you together for a reason that you can both deal with this together. If God has brought you together for a reason that you know, you have the strength to pull together. To pull together and don't do away with your support network.

Speaker 1 53:35

What's the small daily ritual that, since you say you guys don't stay together? What's that daily ritual that, since you say you guys don't stay together? What's that daily thing that fosters bonding between both of you?

Speaker 2 53:48

We talk every morning. No, we talk every day, and I mean every day.

Speaker 1 53:57

Do you think the distance helps the relationship stronger?

Speaker 2 54:02

She's not comfortable with it, but sometimes she appreciates it. So we call and every morning she knows. If you call my wife right now, she knows where I am, she knows what I'm doing. So we always have, okay, that synergy, that synergy, that synergy, you know? Uh, so that's the daily routine, that helps. And, um, we, we, we, how do I put it? We almost didn't have, don't have any secrets that's nice let me share something with you please go ahead.

Speaker 1 54:47

I hope it's, it's not.

Speaker 2 54:49

X-rated. No, it is. It is. That was a day way back. I was in the studio I was receiving some messages. Somebody was a girl, I mean a lady wanted to come and see me and I can't remember who she was. Guess what. I called my wife. I mentioned the lady's name. I said do you know this person? And she told me the lady you told me you met at patutomi's birthday at golden gate restaurant. Okay, she was one of the ushers that day, you understand.

Speaker 1 55:32

So that's how much I'll close you guys are, you know, share she is more. She has more of the photographic memory again, like I said this emotional fluency between the two, so I would hopefully this will be the last question I'm going to ask you complete the sentence for me. I wish more people knew that love is not supposed to be perfect.

Speaker 2 56:10

Perfection is not part of the mix in love, you know, and there are some things you can. Everybody had their own deal breaker, right. But once you have that understanding that he's not supposed to be perfect I am not either so how do you work around it? You know, of course there are some basics, right, loyalty, trust, trust, yeah, yeah yeah, stuff like that yeah, you understand.

Speaker 2 56:47

Loyalty, trust those ones are important mutual respect. So once you have those, there is nothing, you cannot deal with nothing. Another thing there is nothing, you cannot deal with Nothing. Another thing as grievous or as important as those three is that spiritual compromise.

Speaker 1 57:12

When I say spiritual compromise, the Bible says can two work together? We?

Speaker 2 57:16

agree, you can be Christian, she can be Muslim. That's not the issue, you understand. You see, agree, you can be christian, she can be muslim. That's not the issue, you understand. You see, when the way we accept all this.

Speaker 1 57:30

This abrahamic religion is is is. That's not good.

Speaker 2 57:32

You know, you can be christian, she can be muslim, but spiritually you can still be well aligned. There's only God and God.

Speaker 1 57:44

You understand.

Speaker 2 57:45

You don't let in anything. When you talk about evil or devil, you think it's one demon. Do you know as small as envy, as small as greed can open the door to a whole lot of evil. Beyond that, you don't share the same religion. You understand. People don't know this. They put so much emphasis on wherever you are.

Speaker 1 58:14

Whomever you have chosen to connect with God with. Thank you so much Dari my pleasure, Thank you so much Dari my pleasure.

Closing thoughts on vulnerability and healing

Speaker 1 58:22

Thank you. This conversation has done something to my heart. I'm sure that I feel seen, and I hope that those who are also living with some mental health question ill health to be specific know that you have a community with us. Sometimes we think that love is what we do for the other person, but what if it's also about what we allow in ourselves? What if most generous thing you could ever do is to let someone see your scars and still stay open?

Speaker 1 59:06

Um, listening to diary, I wish I could capture every his expressions at some point. Um, when he was talking about his wife, when, um, when they found out, when, when she felt betrayed. I wish I could have captured that, but I felt right now it's just a secret. I'm so honored that you shared those expressions with me. And listening to you and how you navigate the partnership, the emotional fluency, the tendency sorry, the tendernessency, the tendency uh, sorry, the tenderness, not tendency um, from a place of many people, your vulnerability, hers, and how you guys joke and carrying on with it. And, of course, your final word that says you wish everybody knew that love was not meant to be perfect. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 1:00:05

And isn't that all that we want? Yes, I want to love us, to be chosen, to be the one to be with the person that we chose, even when we feel unworthy. But love to feel safe enough to unravel and still be held. Oh, my goodness, you're listening today and you feel very heavy. I told you about this. This season, we're going to be more certain, we're going to be more open. We're going to bleed and heal together. Whether you are the one with the label or the one holding someone's hands who has a label, please know that, as Dari and his wife has through Dari's lenses right now, the dual vulnerability is no weakness. It's some kind of miracle if I got that correctly.

Speaker 1 1:01:05

Yeah, it's some kind of miracle and yes, it takes work, but the beauty it's in the work. I really really like us. So let's do some emotional check-ins before we go. Remember that you can ask yourself or someone close to you, how are you? And you know that that how are you is a code for how are you really and create a space for this person to respond. And don't forget to journal um, write your thoughts, um. Offer support to yourself first, then you'll be able to offer to others. My name is Oluwad Sumise or Ladapokoku. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country. Above all of this, love God. He is the essence of your being. You can follow me on socials. Tumishe has an N in it T-U-N-M-I-S-E. Mindfully, tumishe, go to the website and you can send me a DM, and you can always leave a message. Just look at this link, the description of this episode you just see. Send us a text. Send us a text and we get to it. Thank you, daryl, for coming.

Speaker 2 1:02:22

Thank you. This is beautiful, I mean amazing stuff you're doing here. Thank you, and, uh, thank God for you. Thank God, um, that self discovery and that's consistent. You know, there's this thing about radio If you're really a radio person, it doesn't leave you Never. It doesn't leave you Never, never, really. I've taken a sabbatical, but already I'm restless, I'm looking. I can't imagine. In my house, in my, in my, in my, I have a study, I have everything for the podcast already.

Speaker 1 1:02:57

Yeah, I can imagine everything for the podcast already.

Speaker 2 1:02:59

Yeah, you know I just one or two things and I'm good to go. So this is a this lovely, this is something you're doing, and I thank God for your courage to be able to own that experience and heal Not only heal from it. You own it and you're now using it, because one of the greatest places the devil thrives is in ignorance.

Speaker 2 1:03:28

And secrecy and secrecy and shame, and shame and guilt. You understand, you know All of those things shouldn't have to be around mental health. You know it shouldn't have to be. It can be dealt with you know, and it's only that it's not the same way. You just take antibiotics for syrup for your malaria, and all that because it's oftentimes more or more rooted in things external.

Speaker 1 1:04:02

Stories of origin.

Speaker 2 1:04:05

Heredity trauma, somebody died, somebody said something you know, Even flash of light, you understand. So treating mental health is a holistic thing, you know. So that's just the challenge about it, you know. Thank you for what you're doing. Thank you very much. God bless you.

Speaker 1 1:04:28

Thank you very much and I'm going to set up that meeting for four of us. We're going to have that recording that would be nice. Yeah, thank you very much and remember as always, you're seen, you're loved and you're never working alone. Until next time, stay mindful.