The Quiet Art of Grieving

Grief reaches far beyond death, weaving through our lives in ways we rarely recognise or honour. 

What do you think about the dream job that never materialised? The friendship that dissolved? 

The promotion you deserved but didn't receive? 

These everyday disappointments create quiet ripples of grief we're not taught to process.

Many of us excel at navigating joy but falter when facing sorrow. Our cultural narratives often discourage preparing for pain, viewing such preparation as inviting suffering. 

We're conditioned to "move on quickly" or "stay positive," denying ourselves the healing that comes from acknowledging our pain.

Drawing from Yoruba wisdom that embraces life's dualities—"tibi tiri la daye" (we were created with both good and bad)—this episode invites you to sit with grief as a teacher rather than an enemy. 

Like the bitter leaf that eventually yields sweetness, discomfort can lead to growth when mindfully embraced. 

Too much grief without processing leads to depression, while avoiding grief altogether creates unresolved pain that silently shapes our relationships and responses.

Through personal stories of professional disappointment and cultural perspectives on embracing life's polarities, this contemplative journey offers three journaling prompts to help you identify and honour those "small losses" you haven't permitted yourself to grieve. 

What might your grief say if you allowed it to speak? What version of yourself are you holding onto out of fear?

Take a breath, find a quiet corner, and allow your grief to guide you—just for today. 

Your healing journey begins with acknowledging what hurts, even when society tells you it shouldn't.

Suggested episode:

 https://pod.fo/e/2b1ac7 (a princess's journey through loss and legacy)

https://pod.fo/e/1f89b0 (Grieving is living )

Transcript

An Invitation to Sit With Grief

Speaker 1 1:09

Hey, mindful partners, I hope you're breathing well today. This isn't one of those episodes you will want to rush through. I think it's one you would love to sit with. What you're about to hear is not just a reflection, but an invitation. An invitation to consider grief, but as a quiet presence that walks with us through unmet dreams, delayed hopes and tender changes. So find your breath, find your stillness and let's journey into what it means to sit with grief fully and mindfully.

Speaker 1 2:18

One of the most uncomfortable things we don't want to talk about, or even talk about heldily aside from death, is how we navigate life's crippling events. You know those ones, the one society doesn't name, the taboo moments that shape how we relate to people and with people, many of them born from abuse and all its relatives. When people hear the word abuse, it's not only triggering, it's also crippling. I believe it's triggering because we only understand abuse in its loudest forms. We're talking rape. We're talking physical and domestic violence or emotional manipulation, which is now quite rife and common in social spaces. But who talks about the plan that was coddled social spaces? But who talks about the plan that was cuddled, the one near execution until life happened? What about when the reality of a dream, a job or a friendship doesn't align with the expected end. You know the one. You carefully put on your vision board, your journal and in the big picture prayers. We only talk about the pain that comes with normal rites of passage, especially when those rites keep, keep skipping over us. You know those ones. I should have gone to the university at the age of 16, 17, 18. Oh, I finished university. I should get a job. Oh, it's time for me to get married, but somehow everyone around me is and it's not happening to me. Oh, let's talk about that promotion that you have been praying in and working towards for about three years and you didn't get it because someone else got it, not because you were bad or you didn't do well at the interviews, but that just happened.

Speaker 1 4:40

Someone is asking me why would anyone want to dwell on negative moments, especially in the world that is obsessed with positive thinking? And, yes, maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot here because it's mindfully with you, after all, because I'm one of those who believe in the power of the mind and how it reflects in the world that we see. But follow me, it's not that I'm against positive thinking. It's a good mechanism, to be honest, one that empowers us to navigate the real hard times. But here's something I say often we all know how to navigate joy, we all know how to ride the highs, but we do not really know how to sit with the bad, the lows, or how to prepare for it. And that might be off by a few margins, but I believe that most cultures discourage preparing for pain. I'm not saying all cultures. To prepare for pain, they say, is to welcome it. Why else do words like will or final testament insurance make people uncomfortable? Let me ask you, why do all these scenarios yes, the ones I've painted, maybe the ones that came up for you even as I spoke and you listened make you uneasy? What exactly is the fear behind our refusal to embrace the unpleasant? Again, I may be off by some margin, but I think the simple word for all of this is grief.

Speaker 1 6:40

Grief is such a complex thing that most of us have no idea how to deal with, to prepare for it, or even whether we should prepare for that and, most painfully, how to go through. A close friend of mine once asked me or once said to me Tumishe, is it because you've experienced so much death and loss that you can navigate grief so easily and, to be honest, I hadn't even realized I did navigate grief easily, at least the kind tied to death, until she pointed it out. We explored this in an old episode with a sad friend and another friend in the episode titled grieving is leaving the one. They talked about loss. So this is not mindfully with to me, she's first rodeo on grief. You could also check out a princess journey through loss and legacy from some other perspective on this particular kind of grief. The grief captured in these episodes was tailored towards the loss of loved ones. But grief, the grief that I speak of today, is broader and as a deeply rooted Yoruba woman or girl who also communes with the divine through Christ, I see life through a blend of the spiritual and the esoteric. Walk with me. Don't worry, I'm gonna, I'm not going to lose you.

The Polarity of Life: Bitter and Sweet

Speaker 1 8:25

So in preparation for this looking through grief, I collected a few definitions on grief or of grief. The basic psychological definition says grief is the natural response to loss, often experienced through emotions like anger, guilt, sadness or numbness. I'm sure we've all felt this and it's not wrong, but to me it felt incomplete. It doesn't speak, or it didn't speak, to the polarity of existence or the way I thought I navigated grief. Again, it's my opinion.

Speaker 1 9:14

On my search journey to understanding what grief is, and from other people's perspective, I come across this reflection from one of my favoritest know what like that Author and apologist, cs Lewis, alongside David Kessler. Listen to what they said Grief is lost shadow. It is the Deep attachment to people, to places, to identities and the seasons of our lives. Now that that captures 90% of how I truly experience grief and how I think grief should be navigated, how we should see grief, because it's not just a death. There are a lot of things happening in our lives A loss of identities, the loss of what should have been and wasn't. It spans the whole spectrum of what can be lost in life. There are good attachments. Yes, of course, we have bad attachments too, and there's a plethora of psychological terms. There's the Stockholm Syndrome, there's the this and that, there's trauma bonding, I hear now, and all of them carry a cost when severed.

Speaker 1 10:47

For example, if you're inclined to do an ancestry audit, which simply means sitting down with the stories that trail your lineage, I guarantee you you'll find parts of your history you're proud of and there will be parts you'd wish your ancestors had handled better. And, depending on how evolved and well spiritual you are, you'll grieve those decisions too, the good and the bad, because they've passed on patterns, pain or silence. That is grief, the prize of attachment. So what is the cultural lens you might be asking, or the spiritual one? In many African traditions, grief is not just an emotion, it is a ritual, it is a communal conversation between the living and the ancestors grieve on us, the circle of life. It doesn't try to escape it. Now again, this is where I am sat, as people say now. Some may cringe when someone says they are comfortable with unpleasant things. Trust me, I've gotten a couple of pushbacks. When I talk about death in social media, people close with me. Well, they think it's crazy, but for me it is sitting with the unpleasant that the beauty of the pleasant becomes more radiant.

Speaker 1 12:32

One of my favorite Yoruba aphorism is tibi tiri la daye, and I'm sure you've heard that all, almost all the time on the show or if you follow me on socials. Or if you follow me on socials, aya here could be referencing humanity or the earth. We were created with both the good and the bad. Ti bitiri la daye, not very far from the eastern concept of yin and yang. The truth is, we know these things deep down, but we resist them until life throws the unpleasant our way and we do not know how to sit with it or let it teach us. And yet the world is full of these polarities. Dark skies are beautiful, but dark days are depressing. The sunrise is breathtaking, but its rays could burn you. You want the honey, but not the beta.

Speaker 1 13:42

And now, speaking of beta, okay, you know, I don't know if you know this. Again, I'm sorry if you know, you're about trying my best to transliterate. You know, we say that adun long bengi e wuro, e wuro. Here is the bitter leaf, and the concept here is after you have chewed on the bitter leaf, it leaves. After the bitter taste is gone, it leaves a bittersweet taste in your mouth. If you've not tried it, tried it because I heard that as a child and I literally went to the family garden and plucked on and plucked a leaf of Iwuru bitter leaf and literally I felt the bitter, sweet aftertaste. And that day I probably was around 11, 12, when I did that. I understood this adejo aphorism that says adun lumbenye Iwuru. Still speaking of beta, I practice all forms of exercises and because of flexibility. I enjoy yoga. My online teacher that is in huge parenthesis because it's on YouTube while guiding me through a very difficult pose, shared a Sanskrit phrase eat bitter. This refers to the power of embracing discomfort for the sake of detoxification, and I looked it up. It made sense Because, as with everything, everything moderation is key.

Speaker 1 15:35

Too much grief with no processing can lead to depression. Avoiding grief altogether could lead to unresolved pain, pain, quietly shaping how we leave, love and respond. Remember, we're not talking about the grief that comes with the loss of a loved one. We're talking about the grief that is silent because we do not know that is grief. A lost job, a lost friendship, a phone that you were attached to, an accident that you had that you had to. You know deep into your savings to fix the car. You know those little little things that happen daily, things that happen daily, but we do not understand that the pain that came from that little event has caused a chip in our heart and needed to be grieved. Yes, I said it. Let's talk about too much joy. Too much joy can spiral into debauchery if we don't ground it. Too much joy can spiral into debauchery if we don't ground it. So may I invite you to do something simple but very sacred today, as you listen, sit with your fear of loss, don't wallow in it, but learn. Let it be your teacher and, through mindfulness, learn to see it with grief rather than suppress it. It would not be a real Mindfully With Timmy Shea episode without a story.

A Personal Story of Disappointment

Speaker 1 19:01

Yeah, so here goes about two years ago, my family and I believed in what we thought we needed at the moment. We did everything. It was a promotion that we thought we needed at the moment, or was we deserved at the moment, probably that's the better word. We did. We did everything that was morally, legally and spiritually needed to birth this promotion and, as people of faith, we fasted, we prayed, we believed that it was settled, we confessed as much positive as we could, and you know we called it forth, and you know we called it forth Another word or another phrase for manifesting whatever that is. The energy was charged and positive. We even got the children to join in prayers.

Speaker 1 19:57

Then the response came, to our request it was negative, not what we expected. My first thought and prayer was I thought you said my expectations would not be conscious. So what exactly is going on here and I entered this rabbit hole of what is. I cried, I questioned and I came. And then came the part where we had to tell the children that what we believed for, the prayer that would made what we believe for, didn't come through. Funny enough, that took it better than I did.

Speaker 1 20:51

I wish I could say I came out of that broken expectation quickly, or that I accepted the comfort I believed was coming to me from God. Oh, I was angry, I was upset. Amid my emotional spiral, both my children, at different points, woke up to me and said Mommy, it is not that we didn't deserve this promotion, it might not just be the time yet. Hmm, what did they say about the mouths of babes? Again, with this came some sort of acceptance, but it did take me a while for my faith to be rejuvenated. I started to pray with caution. All bold prayers flew out of the window, and that time taught me the real understanding or I came to the real understanding of thy will be done.

Speaker 1 21:55

To be honest, I am still healing from that experience. Yet I am now hopeful that when life and God throw a spanner in my life's wheel, it may be just that or something more well, spiritually complex. In the surrender, though, I find a peace to navigate. What was it that Jesus said? In this world you will have troubles, but rejoice I have overcome the world. No, it doesn't sound like comfort, so I know, because, yes, I'm in the world and troubles come every day. But what else can you do when you have done all you know to do?

Journaling Prompts for Honoring Grief

Speaker 1 22:53

You stand the conclusion of this matter, at least for this episode. I'm making a shot for a lot of reasons. The conclusion is we grieve more than just death. We grieve lost dreams, we grieve delayed rites of passage, forgotten parts of ourselves, and what this episode is doing is simply inviting you to sit with that grief that seems, or that is seemingly small, not just the loud kind, but, you know, that quiet ache that lingers in everyday life, because you will act it out Because of this unresolved pain, something you can't not talk about Because it's not the loud kind of grief. So, as I close out today's reflection Like I said, I'm making it very, very short I am inviting you to take this gentle work a step further, with your pen, with your notes up on your phone and, most importantly, your quiet honesty.

Speaker 1 24:28

Here's the first prompt. What is one small loss that you haven't given yourself permission to grieve, and let me explain that. I need you to work towards that. Explore what makes it feel small and when you're writing this, what would it mean to honor that pain fully? Remember, nothing is stupid here. Nothing is too mundane for you to explore here, too mundane for you to explore here.

Speaker 1 25:15

So I repeat, what is that one small loss that you have not given yourself permission to grieve? Got that? Two? Where in my life have I held on to an old version of myself out of fear of grief that comes with letting go? Mm-hmm, you know what I'm saying? Exactly what I'm saying. The old friends, the thought pattern that doesn't serve, the negative thoughts and some positive things that has happened let's be fair, some friends a job that you know you should have moved on from, but you are afraid that the pain that will come from making that decision will cripple you. How could releasing that version create a space for something new? Got that Now?

Speaker 1 26:29

The last one for this episode, that is, if you could sit with your grief as a teacher, what would it say to you today? Right, you would personalize yourself, let me say, to the way you should say it if I was saying it to you, were saying it to yourself. For example, you would be saying if I could sit with my grief as a teacher, what would it say to me today, at At this point, let your grief speak back to you. Write a letter to it and let it speak back to you. Write it as a conversation and listen without judgment. So off you go, find a quiet corner, grab a journal, grab your phone, put it on airplane mode so you're concentrated and focusing on this task. Take a breath. Let your grief be your guide, at least just for today. Thank you for listening and I hope you really take time to let your grief speak to you and heal through whatever comes up for you as you navigate.

Speaker 1 28:07

Remember, you can support Mindful With Tumi Shea by following the show on socials instagram threads, um, twitter, rating the show everywhere and anywhere. You're listening to the podcasts and, most importantly, sharing this show, maybe this episode or any episode that you've listened to, with people in your life who may need a little pick me up or two. Until next time, stay gentle with yourself, love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country. Above all of these, love God. He is the essence of your being. I am Uluwatu Mishi.