I Memorised The Script Then Cried

You can be “doing everything right” and still feel hollow inside. That’s the quiet cost of approval addiction: the constant performing, the overthinking, the perfectionism that looks like excellence from the outside but feels like panic on the inside.

We start with a grounded check-in and a short breath and body release, because healing is not a speech, it’s a practice. Then we trace how our relationship with “what if” thinking can turn into negotiating with history, replaying old scenes when what we really want is to matter. From there, we name the pattern clearly: the need to be accepted, liked, and chosen can become an identity, shaping how we speak, how we work, and how we show up in relationships.

I share a story from my first day on radio, when I memorised a script and still hesitated because it didn’t feel perfect, and how a simple compliment made me cry because it felt like being seen. We also sit with Jacob’s story and the question of what we inherit from family systems where love feels divided and comparison becomes normal. At the river Jabbok, the mask drops and the wrestling begins, a picture of healing that doesn’t always look like winning, but does look like honesty.

We close with a gentle, direct question you can carry into your week: Where in my life am I still performing in hope of being accepted? If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to breathe, and please follow, rate, and review the show so more people can find these conversations.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 1:03

Hello, my people. Yes, my people, mindful partners, partners in healing as a journey, not healing as a destination. Because so long, and as long as you're on this side of eternity, you're on this side of this dimension, however, you describe this place that we are. Healing is like peeling an onion. Hello, my partners in understanding that mindful leaving does not erase the stories that brought us here. The beautiful ones, the painful ones, even the ones we still struggle to name. How are you? Like, really, I mean it. How are you? If you're listening with someone, you can turn to each other and exchange your honest answers.

Welcome And Honest Self Check

SPEAKER_01 2:05

And before you roll your eyes, I say, ah, I cannot be vulnerable with this person. I don't know if I can do it, but that's okay. Cause I know that the word is as prevalent and annoying as the protecting my mental health phrase. So I'm not asking you to do a deep dive into your life with one another, but what I'm asking is that you are true to yourself with your answers at the moment. Even if it's as mundane as saying, I'm hungry. How are you? I'm hungry. How are you? Oh, I want to sleep. You know, just be in the moment. And if you're listening in one, I think you can be very honest with yourself and be vulnerable to yourself and to yourself. No performances, no rehearsed response, just honesty. How are you? Let's check in with the buddy as usual. Relax your shoulders, relax the space between your ears, the spaces around your eyes. Yes, you can relax your forehead. Try, relax your tongue, let your shoulder find their space, unclench that jaw. Yes, you know. Now let it go. Take one slow breath in through your nose. Hold it and slowly let it go. Let's do this one more time. Inhale, but this time let it go with a fossil.

Guided Breath And Body Release

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Good. Let's begin. Personally, I have never been a fan of what ifs. To me, what has happened is happened. Whether I started it or someone else did. I believed what if, or you know, having that conversation, what if was simply another way of um let's see, negotiating with history? History has never been interested in negotiating. So why should I ask myself, what if this person did this? Of course, there's the the the consequences or the results will be different, but you've already done it. Why are you asking? What if? Prince that came from my own stories of origin. I wanted things different. I wanted and needed attention. I

Why What If Questions Haunt Us

SPEAKER_01 5:19

wanted to matter, but I didn't fight for it. Somehow I believed being the first child and the only girl should have been enough. Before we continue, it's worth repeating that this series is not about giving answers or romanticizing concepts like triumph, mental health, despair, longing, grief, and all. The series is about speaking to the in-betweens of our lives, those places we do not understand the beautiful beginnings that turned into a messy middle, or a messy beginning that turned to a beautiful middle that you're wondering how this white echo could have come out from this black point. The messy middle that has now truncated the self-actualization vision. The objective is to arm you with tools that will enable you to give grace to yourself and others. Breathing again as I get back into the story. So I thought navigating the stillness that came with lumbar spondolysis and eventual laminectomy was the question I needed to answer. I was wrong. I now know that there are parts of me that needed attention that have lived in suppression for years. Today, though, our conversation isn't really about what if, or maybe it is, it is about something much quieter, much more respectable, approval, addiction, the need to be accepted, the need to be liked, the need to belong, to perform so well that nobody notices how insecure you really feel, or how insecure you really think you are. It was called, but I remember the very first day I met

Approval Addiction And Performing For Love

SPEAKER_01 7:56

this concept. It was my very first time on air on radio. This is about 2001. I had been asked to present a segment about the great Michael Jackson. Simple enough, yeah? Except nothing felt simple. I didn't think I knew how to research properly. Remember, the internet was just and the phones were just coming into Nigeria. I didn't think I knew how to present or whether I had a good voice or not. I still don't like my voice, by the way. Or maybe I simply didn't think I was enough. So I did what many perfectionists do. I wrote the script, read it, read it again, read it until I had memorized almost every word. Then I walked in the studio, the mic came on, and scripting hand, microphone in front of me. I hesitated, not because I didn't know how the material, but because it wasn't perfect, at least in my head. Smiled, complimented me, and I cried. Looking back now, I wasn't crying because of the compliment. I was crying because for a brief moment I felt accepted. I felt seen. I felt appreciated. Approval addition rarely announces itself. It disguises itself as excellence, as perfection, as always getting it right, as always saying yes, as becoming whoever people need you to be. Except yourself. You are literally an Ameeba with different people. This part of my story reminded me of someone I now affectionately call

First Radio Moment And Perfectionism

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Uncle Jake. Jacob. Most of us know him as the deceiver. That's what it told us. The cheat, the one who stole his brother's blessings. Well lately, I found myself wondering what kind of conversations was Jacob having with himself long before he wore Esau's clothes? What happens to a young man who grows in the home where love appears divided, where comparisons become normal, where everyone seems to be helping God fulfill a promise or a prophecy. Rebecca had received a promise, Isaac had his favorite. Jacob inherited

Jacob Story And Inherited Scripts

SPEAKER_01 11:32

the middle of that story. That led me to thinking that sometimes we inherit conversations before we inherit the language that we use the conversations for. I connected deeply with Uncle Jake. Not because I tricked anyone, but because I understood what it feels like to keep searching for approval, to believe that acceptance always leaves somewhere outside yourself. For me, that season belonged to the thirteen to twenty-one year old Timishi. The young woman trying to make sense of faith, of identity that she didn't ask to carry. It reminds me of something Maya Angela said about growing up.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Most people don't grow up. It's so damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That's the truth of it. They uh honor their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children. But they don't grow up. Not really. They get older. But to grow up, because the earth, the earth, it means you take responsibility for the time you take up and the space you occupy.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

And when I heard that and looking at myself, I'm looking at Uncle Jake's story, and I'm wondering who is really at fault. That is where my what ifs started. I do not think that anyone should ask what if questions, but in this instance, I actually did ask what if. Jacob found himself eventually at the river jabok, not pretending anymore, not performing anymore, just wrestling. And maybe, perhaps, that is what healing sometimes looks like. It doesn't look like you're winning. I've said it before that sometimes healing does look like subtraction. Healing is probably not having all the answers, but refusing to leave that conversation unchanged. That was what Uncle Jake decided to do at the Reather Jabok. And he said, I will not let you go unless you bless me. My own jabok looked different. It looked like sitting with a younger version of myself, the one who believed she had to earn love, the one who thought perfection was the entrance fee for acceptance, for belonging and for love. The one who kept asking, will I ever be enough? And maybe I still asked that question. What made seating with this story difficult? Ready for it? Was my faith. What is helping them make sense now? Also, my faith. I know that may sound like a bit of contradiction, but it isn't. At least to me, it is a relationship. The God I have come to know does not ask me to perform

Wrestling At Jabbok As Healing

SPEAKER_01 15:52

before I approach him. He invites me to come honestly. That's a total difference to what I grew up to know. I have questions, I have fear, my insecurities, and all. And that has changed everything for me. One day I was telling a friend about this long long ago, and he said to me, It's good to have an anchor to believe in, even if it doesn't exist, it gives you hope. And I smiled. And

Faith Without Performance And Receiving Acceptance

SPEAKER_01 16:31

though I know what I experience is real, I do understand how some may find that hard to accept. With God, I can talk, I can write. Sorry to disappoint you if that doesn't sound as praise without hindrances, without feeling judged or feeling condemned. Today I am still securing an insecure heart. This moment I am still learning that acceptance is not something I achieve. It is something I have to learn to receive. And perhaps that is why I continue to tell the stories. Because somewhere, someone else is like me, and they are exhausting themselves, trying to earn what was never meant to be earned. Finally, I know all of us have a drop of insecurity in us, even the most secure person, the one who appears to be very secure. And I know that people say imposter syndrome is not real and all that. Our history, our orientation, our own life's experience would inform some form of insecurity in us. Know though, you're not alone, and your insecurity is V-A-L I D. Valid. You can, however, consciously begin to work towards living a whole hearted life.

Living Wholeheartedly And The Closing Question

SPEAKER_01 18:52

So before we leave today, sit quietly with this question. Where in my life am I still performing in hope of being accepted? Where in my life am I still performing in the hope of being accepted? Where in my life am I still performing in the hope of being accepted? Do not rush to the answer. I say that all the time because the first answer that will come to you or that might come to you might not really be the answer your soul needs to heal and move forward. Don't rush the answer, just notice what comes. Be gentle with yourself. Until next time. Good luck. Before my final goodbye for this episode, yes, I know I said goodbye before, but before my final goodbye, I need just a little bit of favor from you. Could you help share this episode? Or not just this episode, the whole mindful to Michelle experience. I would so love it and I would appreciate it. I also would love for you to rate the show wherever you're listening to the podcast, follow it. And that would help us get a little bit more visibility and tell stories and collect stories of people who are willing to join this army of the healed. One conversation at a time, one podcast episode at a time. Thank you. A special thank you goes to Toby who makes production and uh the this whole experience of bringing those episodes to you more fun

Share The Show And Final Goodbye

SPEAKER_01 21:16

and quite easy. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your country above all of this. Love God, He is the essence of your being. Until next time, stay mindful.